Monthly Archives: April 2008
If You Can Watch This Clip Without Falling In Love with Obama, You’re a Goddamn Communist
What? I Just Won the Lottery. And the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes …
…and got a really big tax refund. And it’s Friday night. And I just got paid … come on! It’s totally legit. I swear:
An aspiring record label owner is singing the blues after he was arrested last week for allegedly trying to pass a $360 billion check at a Fort Worth bank.
Employees at the Chase Bank at 8601 S. Hulen St. grew suspicious after seeing all those zeroes (10 to be exact) and called the check’s owner. The woman said the suspect, Charles Ray Fuller, 21, of Crowley, is her daughter’s boyfriend and that he did not have permission to take the check or cash it.
Just cash it. Pleeeease! I swear I’m good for it. No no … it won’t bounce. I swear. Oh, OK: Just give me $1 billion to tide me over a few days, k? I’ll get the rest later.
I’m All Lost in the Supermarket / I Can No Longer Shop Happily
A West Palm Beach man pulled out a gun in an argument with two supermarket managers, who then whipped out their own guns, police said Tuesday.
Police said the problem started when store manager Marino Hernandez shouted at Grant that he was walking into the store through the wrong doors. The men got into an argument, and when Hernandez told Grant he should take his business elsewhere, Grant pulled out a revolver, police said. An assistant manager, Roberto Espinal pulled out his gun and pointed it at Grant, police said.As Grant backed out of the store, Hernandez also pulled a gun, police said.
Grant fired three shots into the store, which had several customers inside, according to authorities. Hernandez yelled at Grant to drop the gun. Instead, Grant got behind a car and pointed his gun. He shot again, this time at Hernandez, police said. Hernandez did not return fire, police said.
The two managers got on either side of Grant and told him to drop the gun because police were on their way. He did.
Well, look at that! Florida’s Bring Your Gun to Work Law effectively prevented a murder! And it only took a shootout in a grocery store to prevent it!
The Daily Memo - 4/30/08
Spitzer’s whore is suing Joe Francis, the “Girls Gone Wild” assbag. (WSJ Law Blog)
LA’s metro (yes, we’ve actually got a metro here, shitty though it is) is being sued by some South LA folk. (Curbed LA)
The record labels are going after another online music provider, this time taking on Project Playlist. (Reuters)
Is the hottest new trend law professors suing law students? (Above the Law)
Obama has cut off the Reverend Jeremiah Wright and his rantings and ravings. (Slate)
…And at least one guy respects the shit out of Obama’s decision. (Andrew Sullivan)
The Scalia is working the media to pimp his new book. (Law.com)
…And it sounds like it might be pretty decent. (WSJ Law Blog)
Man, that’s way better than the entertainment my friends offer at their weddings
From Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania comes the story of a newlywed couple who spent the night they renewed their vows in jail, with the bride still in her gown, after fighting with each other and then guests from another wedding:
The fight started Saturday night after a reception when he knocked her to the floor with a karate kick in the seventh-floor hallway of a Holiday Inn, according to police. It escalated when she attacked two guests from another wedding party who came to her aid, police said.
The melee moved to an elevator and then to the lobby, where the couple threw metal planters at the two guests of the other party, causing minor injuries, police charged.
“It was pretty wild,” Ross police Sgt. Dave Syska said.
Dentist David W. Wielechowski, 32, of Shaler, and Christa Vattimo, 25, had married a month earlier in the Bahamas but repeated their vows Saturday at a reception for 150 guests. They were checking into their room when the argument began, police said.
Police arrived to find the dentist lying on the lobby floor and his bride screaming, they said.
(Hat tip to reader Charles F., whose favorite part was the description of the groom leaving jail the next morning: “Wielechowski left alone, sporting a swollen eye, tuxedo pants, a bloody T-shirt and one shoe.” Yeah, that is pretty great.)
I need a dude like this in my neighborhood
A Miami man was recently arrested for grand theft. Dextan Thomas Hodge drives a fuel tanker, and he decided to take advantage of the ever-increasing gas prices by selling off some of the gas on his truck, for as low as $2 a gallon. He did this eight times before being busted, filling 5-gallon tanks as well as vehicles themselves. One guy says he’s been getting $2 gas from Hodge for months, and the cops suspect that he stole about 300 gallons in total.
Seriously, it cost me $60 to fill my tank the last time I was at the pump. I would gladly give this modern day Robin Hood $2 — even $3 — per gallon, to keep the money out of the gas companies’ evil little mitts.
Agree or disagree with the Scalia…
…how can you not love the tough little guy with the “street fighter personality?” From Sunday’s “60 Minutes” comes the following two-part piece:
Hmmm … maybe I need to give this religion thing another try
A 30-year-old gal in Florida recently had an encounter with the police, who showed up because she was hanging around in the middle of an intersection. Trying to direct traffic. Topless.
The cops say that when they found her, she was “foaming at the mouth and talking to herself.” When they asked her what was going on, she said God had told her to go direct traffic (and, one must assume, to do so topless). She was, unsurprisingly, taken in for a mental examination.
But any God who is ordering women around to do things topless, well, that’s my kinda God.
Everybody Must Get Drunk
Vaune Dillmann is just trying to sell some beer, man. And the Northern California man is proud of the fact that he brews the beer in the little town of Weed, California. So he thought he’d have a little fun, and printed up his beer bottle caps to say “try legal weed.” Joke’s on him, however, says the state Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau. As far as they’re concerned, this might mislead folks about the beer.
So, what, they think the consuming public is one giant idiot? (Probably true, but that’s for another day.)
Meanwhile, the town of Weed still has a sign on the road out which says “Temporarily Out of Weed,” and another sign that reads “100 Percent Pure Weed.” While the Bureau is considering Dillmann’s appeal, I don’t imagine they’ll find this persuasive evidence that they should change their no-fun-loving ways.
Who Knew Waterboarding Was So Cool?
… oh wait. Nevermind. It looked so refreshing at first! All that pretty water! And then it got all suffocatey, and well … it just stopped looking like very much fun, I guess. I think I’ll pass. Thanks, Amnesty International!
Newly Discovered Fetish: Chair Sniffing
Now, this is just strange: An Australian politician, during a press conference, broke down into tears as he admitted that he’d sniffed the chair of a female colleague.
With tears in his eyes, Mr Buswell had to compose himself before telling the media in Mandurah this morning that his behaviour had been unacceptable. Mr Buswell said he had repeatedly refused to deny the allegations because he wanted to protect the woman involved. But he broke down after he was asked about the effect of the reports on his wife and children.
With tears in his eyes, Mr Buswell said he needed a short break, turned his back and then asked his press secretary to bring him a glass of water. Mr Buswell said his wife was aware of the allegations before they were exclusively revealed in The Sunday Times at the weekend. He said it had been a difficult time for him “on a personal level”.
“These are difficult issues for me to deal with and they are very difficult issues for my family to deal with,” he said.
I will grant that smelling a woman’s chair is … odd. But, really: Is all of this drama necessary? Weeping? Hiding it from your family? You gotta do a lot worse in America before all those histrionics are necessary. I wonder if he’ll go to chair-sniffing rehab?
What the hell is happening?
According to the latest Associated Press survey, apparently Hillary Clinton has a nine point lead over John McCain in a head to head matchup, while Barack and McCain run about even.
Helped by independents, young people and seniors, Clinton gained ground this month in a hypothetical match with Sen. McCain, the GOP nominee-in-waiting. She now leads McCain, 50 percent to 41 percent, while Obama remains virtually tied with McCain, 46 percent to 44 percent.
What’s going on? Can someone tell me where this inexplicable Hillary surge came from? Didn’t she just lie about getting shot at in Bosnia? Isn’t Bill alienating African-Americans?
Has Hillary started saying something new — or is this all Jeremiah Wright and bittergate? Or is Hillary’s anti-elitism rhetoric starting to work? God. Damnit! That Rovian bullshit that Bush pulled on Kerry? It’s working again?
Well, that’s frustrating. I thought, by now, we’d got over the notion that we wanted a president we could have a beer with, because it’s that president who fumbles drunkenly through eight years of service. Motherfuckery.
The Daily Memo - 4/29/08
Seems that the British don’t like it when their cops go to investigate a brothel and take things a step further by banging the hookers. (Yahoo News!)
Uma … stalker. Stalker … Uma. (Defamer)
The Supremes upheld the requirement of showing photo IDs to vote. (LawInfo)
Judge Marilyn Rosenbaum doesn’t need any sexual experts, thank you very kindly. (Above the Law)
Judge to White House, regarding e-mails: “Seriously, stop fucking around.” (Computer World)
Congress is considering new legislation to address the copyright problem of orphaned works. (ars technica)
Irony, thy name is Idaho state senator John Goedde. (the unequivocal notion)
A former city commissioner from Daytona Beach say that when he was busted in a sex sting, he wasn’t hanging out in the bathroom looking for male nookie — he was just playing a video game. (WFTV)
Til death do us part, notwithstanding the occurance of following five conditions…
(From Saturday’s Non Sequitur.)
Those Japanese monsters are getting mighty sophisticated
Godzilla is apparently bored with all the building smashing and people stomping, so he’s found a new way to wreak havoc and destruction — in the courtroom. Seems that Subway is being sued for trademark and copyright infringement by Toho Co. (who owns Godzilla, Mothra, etc.) over its use of the mega-monster’s image in commercials for its “Five Dollar Footlong” campaign.
When asked for comment, Godzilla had this to say:
Well look, I don’t mind that they’re using my likeness without permission. I’m a monster — it happens. But what I do mind is the negative implication of this whole “footlong” business. I’ve got way more than a one-footer, if you know what I’m saying. Ask Megalon, he’ll tell you — he couldn’t shit right for a week. I’m talking half the length of a football field, son.
(Hat tip to reader Stephanie.)
I survived a trip to Florida and all you got was this lousy post
Yesterday afternoon I got back from a weekend vacation in Miami. It was actually quite relaxing and refreshing, even though I couldn’t help but sleep with one eye open, knowing the level of unfathomable crazy which that state rises too on a shockingly consistent basis. Anyway, here are two quick examples from this weekend as to why we, much like Fark and Keith Olbermann before us, love Florida so much.
First, my buddy was checking the local news on Saturday when he announced, “well here’s typical Florida for you.” Top story at the moment was about a seven-year-old boy being charged with grand theft auto for taking his grandmother’s SUV for a an eight minute ride through a Palm Bean neighborhood:
Police say he literally drove until a wheel fell off. The right front wheel, to be exact, which broke off after the boy hit a sign.
The kid probably won’t be charged with anything, which I’m ok with. But maybe the granny should be charged for, you know, taking such wonderful care of the kid that he was able to skate off with her SUV? …Nah, that’s crazy talk.
My second story is non-law related, but just too wonderful to pass sharing. This story was told to me by my friends about a friend of theirs who, for the sake of this story, we shall call Heifer. So Heifer is a big girl. Some might say fat. And she decided to do something about it. Not exercise or diet, of course, but the ol’ gastric bypass surgery. So she goes to her doctor who tells Heifer that although she is indeed a large gal, she’s not quite heavy enough to fall into the category of being a gastric bypass candidate. Great news — you’re not morbidly obese! But of course, that’s not the way Heifer sees it and, I shit you not, she is now working to gain 30-odd pounds so that she can be eligible for the gastric bypass surgery. And this story, right here, succinctly sums up, in my mind, why Florida rules.
(And then there’s this amazing story, sent in by reader Amy M.)
Your Love Keeps Lifting Me Higher
McNulty and Bunk Live On … In Spirit
Even if you can no longer get your “The Wire” fix, police officers in Mississippi pull a stunt that would make Jimmy McNulty proud:
A mentally disabled man who was given a fake lie detector test is still waiting for a settlement after six years. Pearl police admitted that officers put a lampshade on Huey Granger’s head in June 2002. Granger had filed a police report claiming that his daughter was attacked by her boyfriend in their Pearl home. While at the police station, officers Keith Peterson and Jeff Thames gave him a “fake lie detector test.”
Granger is adamant that two former Pearl police officers should pay for his pain and humiliation. He is asking for $2 million in a civil lawsuit against the two men.
“He hit me in the back of my head and messed my neck up pretty bad and put a lampshade on my head with electric wires hooked to it and was trying to shoot electricity to me and get me to change my story to what happened to my daughter,” Granger said.
A Tunisian family alleges their daughter was raped during a telephone conversation with a man, a lawyer for the family said.
The 30-year-old man said he never touched the young woman. But he acknowledged he heard her scream while they were “totally into” an erotic telephone conversation — and that she reported bleeding, Al Arabiya reported.
Maha al-Metebaa, a lawyer representing the family, told the Kuwaiti newspaper Al-Qabs the case needs careful investigation because of its unprecedented allegations. He said a medical examination had determined that the woman, 20, was no longer a virgin.
“The intercourse did take place with all its details but verbally only,” he said. “The sexual act did not really happen because the physical proximity factor is not there, yet it happened because there is a direct physical impact – the loss of virginity.”
Big Mouth, Little Tongue
And this week’s Gene Simmons’ Award goes to …
When the deputy turned his lights on the car, he saw a man urinating. The deputy approached the man, who said he had to go to the bathroom because he’d just drank a bunch of beers, according to the report.
The man told the deputy the reason he was slurring his speech was because “his dentist advised him his mouth was too big for his tongue,” according to the report. The man registered a. 089 on a portable alcohol breath test and was arrested on suspicion of drinking under age.
The Daily Memo - 4/28/08
Of Neil Gaiman, Harry Potter and transformative works. (Wise Old Sage)
A soldier is suing the Army, claiming that he was threatened and berated for being an atheist. (NY Times)
“Will the FDA recall LASIK?” (LawInfo)
The parents of two boys may end up in court against each other, as their fight over a Beckham jersey escalates. (The Honolulu Advertiser)
The Cos has got a judge teaming up with him in his criticisms on young American blacks. (Law.com)
The Little League is finding some pushback in a case where it’s trying to quash the use of its “LITTLE LEAGUE” trademark. (The Trademark Blog)
Lessons in getting out of jury duty
Here in the U.S., we have few civic obligations. Try not to break the law. Pay your taxes. Help throw your peers in jail. But that last one, man, people just don’t like to do it. I’ve heard of all sorts of ways people try to get out of jury duty, but it usually backfires. But John Peter Shevetz, he figured the trick out.
Show up to court blitzed out of your head!
The irony, of course, is that Shevetz was so drunk he wasn’t even in the courtroom when it was announced that the defendant had pleaded out his case. Instead, Shevetz was found drunkenly hanging out in the judge’s chambers. Which got him promptly arrested and charged with public intoxication. So now he gets a jury all his own!
For a good time, don’t call the Louisiana Senate
Earlier this month, the Louisiana Senate voted against a proposal to name Sazerac the official state cocktail. The Sazerac is a New Orleans drink made from whiskey, sugar, bitters and absinthe. State senator Ed Murray thought it would be a fine honor. But others in the senate thought it was entirely improper to give a state honor to any drink, let alone the Sazerac. Asked senator Buddy Shaw: “Is there a possibility that we could be encouraging folks, who were not intending to drink, that it would be acceptable and they could become an alcoholic?”
But you gotta love Ed Murray’s detailed and in-depth retort: “No.”
Insert Chicken and Waffles Pun Here
I don’t know about you Yankees, but down South, Chick-Fil-A is considered hallowed ground, which is why they take the Sabbath off. Waffle House, on the other hand, well … not so much.
Which is why this story jumped out at me. Seth Cathy, the founder’s grandson and heir to the Empire that Dwarf Houses and Eerily Intelligent Cows built, was arrested and underwent a medical evaluation after barricading himself inside a WH bathroom.
Atlanta police say Seth Cathy, 20, entered the restroom at the Waffle House on Northside Drive on Monday, barricaded himself inside, then proceeded to wreck the bathroom.
When police arrived, Cathy could be heard inside the bathroom, causing damage to the walls and fixtures. He also flooded the room.
After getting the door open, police found Cathy inside, nude, and holding a metal toilet paper dispenser.
Of course he was naked. Because barricading yourself in a bathroom is one thing. But to do it inside a Waffle House bathroom? That takes crazy of a whole other caliber.
When a dude’s hungry for some tacos, he’s hungry for some tacos
Shane Roe went into a Taco Johns in the local mall with a replica Glock, and tried to rob the joint. He pointed the gun at the clerk and asked for free food. The clerk said no. So Roe asked for money from the register. The clerk said no.
But damn it, Roe wanted some tacos! So he placed an order and paid for it, got his food, and sat down to eat. When he left Taco Johns, the cops were naturally called, and Roe was found hanging out outside of the mall, where he was promptly arrested. But it wasn’t his fault he hadn’t left — those tacos just made him so sleeeepy.
That’s what I said
If Thriller didn’t get you where you need to be on a Friday afternoon, maybe this’ll get the job done:
It’s close to midnight…
Apropos of nothing, Ben Gibbard (Death Cab for Cutie) goes retro.
Athiests: 1; Christians: 0
Faith in the Lord doesn’t always pay off:
An 82-year-old Alzheimer’s patient died after her caretaker went on a liquor run, according to police. Vicky Simpson, 52, has been charged with elderly abuse following the death of Vivian Howell over the weekend. Simpson left the elderly woman alone while she went to a liquor store, according to the arrest warrant. Investigators said Simpson brought the alcohol back to Howell’s house and started drinking.
The warrant states “As a result of the accused negligent actions the victim was later discovered in bed with injuries that required hospitalization and ultimately resulted in her death.” Simpson has a lengthy criminal record, and served time in jail in 2003 for beating her mother, but Howell’s family failed to run a background check on Simpson.
“She came across as a very loving and caring person,” said Howell’s daughter Charlotte Gilham. “Us being Christians we had no reason to question that.”
On the bright side, Vivian Howell ascends straight to Heaven; Vicky Simpson spends 15 in the clink before being unceremoniously dumped into the eternal fires of damnation, which doesn’t have a liquor store.
Potty Mouthed and Honest? He’s Got My Vote.
A San Diego mayoral candidate, Jerry Sanders, corrected the record yesterday, telling a reporter that he had not, in fact, said “Fuck you, Francis,” after a mayoral forum. Actually, he’d called his opponent by his first name, refusing to shake hands and saying, “Fuck you, Steve.”
“I am really tired of people thinking we should be buddies,” Sanders said. “People expect us to just shake hands and be buddies. I’m not going to do that. That’s the height of hypocrisy.”
In an interview immediately following the conclusion of Sunday’s forum, Francis repeatedly told this reporter that he couldn’t believe the mayor wouldn’t shake his hand. He made no mention of swear words, saying only, “I’m still shocked that he wouldn’t shake my hand.”
Soon after, Sanders would not address the handshake issue, saying only, “I’m not going to talk about that.”
Wednesday, Sanders did talk about it.
“If that offends him, then his skin is pretty thin, especially when that’s in the privacy of two individuals with nobody else standing around,” Sanders said. “We’re talking big boy stuff. We’re not talking about elementary school.”
Sanders then continued, “Oh, and that bastard is a cocksucker, too.”
E-Bay Fertile Ground for Dumbasses
Steve Shellhorn, who purchased some coins on E-Bay that were not packed particularly well was sued by the seller for $10,000 after Shellhorn left neutral feedback.
“This is neutral feedback, not even negative feedback, but neutral. He sued me for $10,000,” he said.
We took the lawsuit to University of Washington law professor Jane Winn. “I thought that seller was a few cards short of a deck,” she said.
The judge in Buncome County, North Carolina might not agree with that assessment, but he recently tossed out the suit.
It cost Shellhorn $500 to hire an attorney.
But you know who comes out a winner in all this, don’t you. The lawyers, of course!
The Daily Memo - 4/25/08
The 7th Circuit says a Chicago student can wear his anti-gay T-shirt at school, because assholes still have free speech rights too. (Chicago Tribune)
Jesus — a science teacher has been accused of burning crosses into his students’ arms. (Columbus Dispatch)
Wesley Snipes got 3 years in the clink for his tax shenanigans. (Law.com)
Oh, W, we’re going to miss you when you’re gone. (Legal Antics)
The Scalia, he’s a law and order kinda guy. (WSJ Law Blog)
“Bottom of the nation” indeed
Seems this was a submission to Florida’s state song contest. I don’t understand why he didn’t win.
(Hat tip to reader Annelise.)
Lessons in what not to do
Lesson #1 — Don’t make illegal left turns. If you do, you may get pulled over.
Lesson #2 — Don’t make illegal left turns when you have a suspended driver’s license. If you do, you may get pulled over and then arrested.
Lesson #3 — Don’t make illegal left turns when you have a suspended driver’s license and then decide to pay your bail with a counterfeit $50 bill. If you do, you can add a felony charge of possessing a forged instrument to your rap sheet.
Note to self…
Yes, it’s ok to send an e-mail to the Governator complaining about the state’s lack of enforcement of the Compassionate Use Act (the state’s voter initiative which made medical marijuana ok). But it’s not ok to call him a Nazi and threaten to harm him. Because that’s going to get the CHiPs on you. And if the CHiPs get a search warrant, they’ll check out your computer. And then they might find all the child porn on your computer. And then you’ll get five years in the clink, where you won’t be able to get the medical weed.
You don’t need grow lights and fancy hydroponics to get some cush stupidity
Hi officer. Yes sir, I sure did call you guys. That cat next door won’t shut the fuck up. It’s an annoying mongrel and I’d like you to do something.
Whassat? Nah, I don’t smell nothing. …Coming from inside my house? Nah, you’re imaging things.
…Uhm, no sir, those 84 marijuana plants aren’t mine. That’s craziness. Just go get rid of that cat, would you? It’s harshing my mellow.
Thursday’s in C*nt Punditry
This handy-dandy guide was assembled by the
estimable excremental Michelle Malkin:
If You’re Visiting Congo, Wear a Belt. With a Padlock.
File under Weird-Ass News stories:
Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men’s penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.
Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur.
Rumors of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo’s sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.
Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure.
Note to self: Stay out of West Africa.
Slow News Day
Sultry beauty! Ha! God, I love The Globe. Also, “Anna Nicole killed her son.” Well, of course she did!
The Enquirer’s headline isn’t nearly so intriguing, but I do love that the tabloids are getting into politics.
The Daily Memo - 4/24/08
The FBI would like ISPs to be legally required to keep data about what we all do online. (News.com)
eBay is suing Craigslist … because it wants to be the exclusive home of BBWs looking for NSA degradation? (BBC)
Can you really blame students for spending their time in the law classroom by watching porn? (Above the Law)
Congrats W — you’ve got the lowest presidential approval rating in the 70 years the Gallup Poll has been playing this game! (USA Today)
Behind every lawyer is a bucket-load of fear. (Law.com)
The Supremes love when the cops conduct searches. (SCOTUSblog)
Start with what you know
In many facets of life, that’s a great motto — start with what you know. When you want to rob a place though, not so much. That’s what Alvin Gist learned when he decided to rob a check cashing story in Louisville, Kentucky. A check cashing store where he often did business. And because he did business there, unsurprisingly, the clerk recognized him when he came in to rob the joint. So when he left, she looked up his account info and called the cops, who were easily able to track him down.
Hee-hee … snatch
LAist gives us this puntastic headline: Robber Snatches Rubber Snatch. Seems that last week, someone broke into a store called Fullerton’s Erogenous Zone, and the video surveillance shows that he tried to get the store’s cash but was unable to open the register.
So he looked around, and decided that he was going to take a rubber Jenna Jameson doll (complete with erogenous zones!) so as not to be leaving empty handed. I hope that at least she looked like the old Jenna, and not the new plastic surgery mess Jenna.
By the way, don’t forget that Zombie Strippers is out in theaters now. They’re strippers and they’re zombies, you see.
With hair like that, can you afford not to vote for him?
Good news Idahoians! (Idaho-ites? Idahoo-has?). If you’re a Democrat, and you’re not liking your limited options for the May 27 primary, we’ll I’ve got just the thing for you. Whatever with all this Barack and Hillary business — you can go another way. You can put your one-(wo)man-one-vote behind Keith Russell Judd, who would like your support in his run for President.
That’s right folks, this proud resident of Beumont, Texas would like to be your President. And he’s got experience — he ran on the ballot in 2004 too! As for the fact that Judd is a prisoner serving a 14-year sentence for making threats, well, whatever what that. Who in D.C. isn’t a criminal, know what I mean?
…So, uhm, yeah. Seems that Judd totally scammed Idaho and got his name on the ballot (he tried to get on several other state ballots, but this was his only success). Definite egg on Idaho’s face, although officials are quick to point out that votes won’t get him delegates, because the state doles them out at at caucuses. But still, way to go Idaho!
It’s Because Scranton is Biased. And Racist!
What a load of horseshit:
Colin Saltry and Joey Daniel say they skipped gym class on Monday to rush over to a diner where Sen. Barack Obama’s motorcade had just pulled in for an impromptu breakfast stop.
The two met Obama, and they say he even signed excuse slips for them to show their teachers. That didn’t work. Saltry and Daniel got one-day suspensions for leaving school grounds, and Saltry has been ordered to resign as senior class president.
Saltry says it was worth being suspended to meet Obama, but he didn’t expect to be bounced from his class presidency.
You know the real reason why they were suspended, don’t you? Because Scranton is pro-Clinton. Remember this video, from The Scranton High School Choir. It will make your ears bleed purple:
Deluded Patriots Deny Super Bowl Loss
From the Smoking Gun:
Three months after their bid for an undefeated season ended with a Super Bowl loss to the New York Giants, the New England Patriots are continuing to pursue trademarks on the phrases “19-0” and “19-0 The Perfect Season,” records show. While the team may have been expected to withdraw its applications after finishing at 18-1, a Patriots lawyer recently amended the original filings to correct a typographical error, a clear indication that the organization remains committed to securing the marks (perhaps Bill Belichick & Co. are anticipating perfection in the 2008 season).
Awwww, that’s sad. And kind of pathetic. Poor Pats fans. I’m sure, in your hearts, you’ll always be 19-0. And beyond that, you can take comfort in the fact that your quarterback sure does have a pretty mouth.
Headline Writer Overcome with Burst of Creativity
The Daily Memo - 4/23/08
Mmmmm … boobies. (Above the Law)
A dude was arrested for drug trafficking after — get this — pumping gas into an imaginary car. (MSNBC)
The Supremes are apparently ok with Exxon having to pay up $112 million. (Law.com)
Worst headline imagery of the day? “Don’t touch me there: NY jury rejects rectal exam lawsuit.” (LawInfo)
The Ninth Circuit says that, on the borders, laptop searches don’t violate the Fourth Amendment. (WSJ Law Blog)
DNA and the law. (Above the Law)
Deal or no deal? The Georgia Supremes say “not so much with the deal.” (Law.com)
It’s not “with,” it’s “wit”
Here’s a Philly-related Comedy Central two-fer from last night. First, you want an Obama-wit or a Hillary-wit? (While I’m an Obama guy, myself, Geno’s can stick it — it’s Pat’s or death. …And actually, Pat’s could lead to death.)
Of course, the Hillary/Barack divide is about more than cheesesteaks (barely):
Maybe you are all homosexuals
Whatever with this Hillary and Obama shit. I’m voting McBain ‘08!
Spitball fights are getting out of control these days!
I remember several times in high school when some of us might have started fucking with a substitute teacher by turning to the aged-old spitball. And I recall several stupid nights at Denny’s where we entertained ourselves with spitballs before advancing to the Creamer Game (which wound up getting us banned from a Denny’s for a period of some months when we got a teensy out of hand). But our spitball fights (or the Creamer Game, for that matter) never lead to anyone getting arrested.
In Florida (naturally), 18-year-old Caroline Ralph has been arrested and charged with battery, culpable negligence and disorderly conduct. Seems there was a spitball fight going on at a Chili’s and, Ralph got fed up with it after a stray spitball landed on her table. So she went over to the table of spitballing girls and a heated argument ensued.
Witnesses say that Ralph went back to her table, paid her bill, and started to leave. But then she took a glass of water and it poured it over the spitballing girls, before hucking the glass aside. That hucked glass wound up hitting a baby girl in the forehead, and Ralph allegedly said she didn’t care that she hit the baby, and took off. Classy. Ralph now claims that the the glass was knocked out of her hand by one of the spitballing girls.
Oh yeah, and while it has no relevance to the story, since the article pointed this out, I might as well too — Ralph is a Hooter’s waitress.
The British are clearly loosing their compassion
James Campbell is a 61-year-old retired schoolteacher over in England. He recently took his old high school to an employment tribunal, claiming he was a victim of disability discrimination. More specifically, he claims that he was harassed by students because of his disability, and that he wasn’t able to effectively do his job. “How can I stand in front of a class with confidence to get on with my job when I am getting teased and bullied … when I think they are laughing at me all the time.”
The tribunal has now thrown Campbell’s claim out, finding that he doesn’t fall under the country’s Disability Discrimination Act. Why not, you ask?
Because judge Robert Gall had the gall — the audacity — to find that Campbell’s baldness doesn’t qualify as an impairment.
Yup, Campbell claimed that the fact that he was bald meant that being teased about his baldness was disability discrimination.
The intro to this article speaks for itself:
One of the cardinal rules of computer programming is to never trust your input. This holds especially true when your input comes from users, and even more so when it comes from the anonymous, general public. Apparently, the developers at Oklahoma’s Department of Corrections slept through that day in computer science class, and even managed to skip all of Common Sense 101. You see, not only did they trust anonymous user input on their public-facing website, but they blindly executed it and displayed whatever came back.
The result of this negligently bad coding has some rather serious consequences: the names, addresses, and social security numbers of tens of thousands of Oklahoma residents were made available to the general public for a period of at least three years. Up until yesterday, April 13 2008, anyone with a web browser and the knowledge from Chapter One of SQL For Dummies could have easily accessed – and possibly, changed – any data within the DOC’s databases. It took me all of a minute to figure out how to download 10,597 records – SSNs and all – from their website.
South Carolina, Ladies and Gentlemen!
Small town America isn’t bitter, it’s backwards and racist!
Pastor Roger Byrd said he just wanted to make people think when he put up a sign reading “Obama, Osama — humm, are they brothers” in front of the Jonesville Church of God on Thursday.
And what was it he wanted his flock to think?
“It’s simply to cause people to realize and to see what possibly could happen if we were to get someone in there that does not believe in Jesus Christ,” he said.
Well, surely his congregation was offended and asked him to take down the sign, right?
Despite some criticism, Byrd says that the message will stay on the sign. He took the issue before his congregation Sunday night, and they decided unanimously to keep it.
God bless South Carolina.
Colorado: You Must Be So Proud!
A couple of months ago, Colorado State Representative Douglas Bruce made his presence immediately known when, during a prayer, Bruce kicked a photographer who was snapping a photo, which warranted a house censure. A little while later, he refused to co-sponsor a bill honoring military veterans and was booted from the State Veterans and Military Affairs Committee.
I suppose, having gone a few weeks without attracting attention to himself, Rep. Doug Bruce made amends for it yesterday when, during debate over an immigration bill, he boldly declared, “I would like to have the opportunity to state at the microphone why I don’t think we need 5,000 more illiterate peasants in Colorado.” He was then cut off by the audibly shocked House chairwoman.
Well, he just misspoke, right? Of course, no one would refer to Mexicans as “illiterate peasants” on purpose, right?
“I got to the third sentence of my prepared statement and I was interrupted by the Democratic chair,” said Bruce. “I said, ’ I do not want,’ so I was expressing my view, which was a true statement, ‘that I don’t want up to 5,000 more illiterate peasants coming to Colorado and I certainly don’t want a government program to bring them here.’”
Oh. He meant it? Or maybe he was still high after Boulder’s Bowl-a-Thon!
Some headlines say it all
Sure, you can click on through to find out more about this story (although there are only two one-sentence paragraphs). But really, doesn’t this headline just about tell you all you need to know?
Nervous thief left DNA in vomit.
Yeah, I’m all set.
The Daily Memo - 4/22/08
Florida. Truck nutz. What more do you need? (Above the Law)
Kenton Keith, a backup running back on Dustin’s beloved Colts, was arrested over the weekend for refusing to leave a club parking lot in the wee a.m. hours. (SI)
Of side-switching delegates. (Slate)
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! … will be Northestern Law School’s commencement speaker. (Above the Law)
The TTAB has affirmed the refusal to register trademarks of jean ass-pocket stitches. (The TTABlog)
Some of Ray Charles’ greedier kids are fighting over his estate. (WT&E Prog Blog)
Lawyers belong in a suit? Fuck that. (WSJ Law Blog)
Sorry buddy, the law’s the law
Jordan Gonnering is a student at the University of Wisconsin. Earlier this month, he came home to find the corpse of his murdered fiancee. Not a good time. Unsurprisingly, Gonnering kinda doesn’t want to live in that apartment anymore. Trouble his, he’s still got a 16 month lease.
The Dean of Students at UW-Madison says that she hasn’t been able to convince the company that owns the building to change its position after speaking to them on behalf of Gonnering. In fact, Gonnering even offered to move into another property owned by the management company but, so far, the owner of that property company isn’t budging, simply saying he wants to talk to Gonnering about things. He notes that the law is the law, and he’s gotta treat everyone fair and equally.
Ok, fine. I take no issue with that. But the law allows you to be compassionate, assfuck. If both sides agree to allow the lease to be broken, or agree that move it over to another unit, there’s nothing unfair or unequal about that. Jesus.
Worst President in History of America Does Something Slightly Cool
Asshole or Awesome? You be be the judge. (Hint: the answer is definitely “awesome.”)
Up in Portland, Oregon, Eric Bryant was hanging out in a Chinese restaurant when he saw a police car illegally park. Officer Chad Stensgaard then walked into the Chinese restaurant and began watching a basketball game on TV. Bryant asked the cop about his car, and Officer Stensgaard agreed that he was in a no-parking zone, but retorted: “If someone broke into your house, would you rather have the police be able to park in front of your house or have to park three blocks away and walk there?” Stensgaard eventually took the order of food he was waiting for and drove off.
And it turns out that he’s now got a bit more than some leftover Chinese food to deal with. Because Bryan is a freshly-minted attorney, and he happens to be familiar with a certain little Oregon statute that’s particularly relevant in this situation. And so Officer Stensgaard has received a summons to show up in traffic court next month, as Bryan filed charges under a law allowing the private initiation of of traffic violation proceedings, violations which could cost Officer Stensgaard over $500.
Barack Obama is a Mack Daddy; Born Trash
Watch! as Sean Hannity blows a gasket defending Obama. No. Really. (After the 30 second introduction, the action starts at 4:30).
You Say Tomato, I Say *Clank*
Some chef’s take their food very personally.
A row over the correct way to make shepherd’s pie ended up in court after a disagreement between two brothers turned violent.
After a day spent drinking, Michael Garvin cooked his brother John the traditional English dish for dinner, expecting a grateful response.
John, however, voiced his disquiet that the pie was not topped with a layer of sliced tomatoes.
His brother, a chef, claimed a layer of tomatoes was not the appropriate way to finish off a shepherd’s pie, and responded by hitting him over the head with a shovel.
As the argument got out of control, John threatened to petrol bomb his brother’s flat and was arrested.
Who the hell puts a layer of tomatoes on top of Shepherd’s pie? I’ve never heard of such a thing. And the judge in the case agrees: “District Judge Peter Ward told the defendant that, in his view, there was no need for a layer of tomatoes on a shepherd’s pie.” Case closed.
I Bet Tony Orlando Never Envisioned These Lyrics
By now you’ve probably heard that CNN personality Richard Quest was interrupted from a leisurely stroll about Central Park early Friday morning when it came to the attention of law enforcement that he was, well, there — since the park was closed at the time. And, you may have also heard that he had meth and a sex toy on his person as well as a rope tied from around his neck to his wiener. Says the New York Post:
It wasn’t immediately clear what the rope was for.
It wasn’t immediately clear?! I would think that a beacon of journalism like the New York Post would be just a little more capable of using their imagination. Hell. Around here at Webster’s, we call a little “dick on a rope” a fun “Tuesday night.”
10,000 Bowl Smokers!
The annual CU Bowlathon (I just made a word up) took place again yesterday, but this year was even more spliffy than in year’s past: At 4:20, on 4/20, 10,000 University of Colorado students toked up, and unlike in year’s past, police made absolutely no attempt to stop them.
Officers in the past have gone to great lengths to catch people in the illegal act of smoking pot on 4/20.
In 2006, CU police dispatched undercover photographers to snap pictures of smokers. Photos of 150 alleged offenders then were posted on the department’s Web site, and witnesses were offered $50 to positively identify the suspects — who then were ticketed. Another year, smokers on Farrand were doused with sprinklers.
“We can’t do the same thing year after year,” Wiesley said hours before Sunday’s smoking began. “So I doubt we’ll do anything like the pictures. … There’s no way our 12 to 15 officers are going to be able to deal with a crowd of 10,000. We just can’t do strong enforcement when we’re outnumbered 700 or 800 to one.”
Also, let’s just be honest here: How effective would you expect 12 to 15 police officers to be in a sea of pot smoke generated by 10,000 students smoking up at one time.
I bet the pot dealers love 4/20 in Boulder, too.
The Daily Memo - 4/21/08
The FBI allowed its own desire to expand the USA Patriot Act to interfere with a case investigation. (Wired)
The firm of Howrey Simon has been sued, following the collapse of a patent deal, for breach of fiduciary duty. (Law.com)
There’s still hope that I can flip this worthless J.D. into a movie biz career! (WSJ Law Blog)
Many of the Cannuck readers of our sister site are surely behind the latest move to deregulate Canadian TV, possibly opening things up for U.S. networks to head up north. (CBC.ca)
I’d wager Clinton, Obama and McCain would all rather talk about Kevin Bacon than being two or three degrees from Hitler. Just a hunch. (Slate)
At least as far as Dems go, there might be a smidge of truthiness to the Colbert Bump. (Fox News)
Our boy Jonathan Lee Riches is suing Grand Theft Auto, blaming the game and its developers for putting him in prison. (ComputerAndVideoGames)
Don’t count her out yet boys and girls
Hey, University of Chicago law students — shut up!
Last month, following Spring Break, the University of Chicago Law School enacted a new policy, banning internet access from all classrooms. According to this report, it’s the first “institution-wide directive of its kind.” Unsurprisingly, many students are up in arms. And to them I say here as I said in this entry’s title, “shut up.” Seriously, shut the fuck up.
I’m going to go old man on you here — back in my day, when we wanted to surf the net instead of pay attention to lectures, you know what we did? We didn’t go to fucking class. It didn’t waste our time, didn’t waste the professor’s time — win fucking win.
And further, if we did want to waste time in class, there were plenty of ways to do it without the internet. Those of us who had laptops would play lots of Freecell or Hearts or Minesweeper. But we didn’t even need the laptops to distract us. In fact, during second year (especially during mother fucking Antitrust), our favorite in-class distraction tended to be crossword puzzles. Sometimes, one of my gang would even think ahead and make copies of the puzzle from the local paper so the whole gaggle of us could whittle our time away filling in words. Crossword puzzles — just as time-wastey as surfing the net, only kinda smarter. And if you want to go the low-brow route, hell, I still remember a buddy who managed to build the most impressive highlighter tower man has ever laid eyes on.
Point being — fuck the net, kids. Expand your minds and think creatively. That’s what law school’s all about in the first place!
The least shocking news you’ll hear all day
Turns out that another of President Bush’s Attorney Generals is an obstinate pain in the ass. At least, so says Senator Arlen Specter, the minority leader of the Judiciary Committee. He say that AG Michael Mukasey is unwilling to compromise on anything, from FISA and telecom retroactive immunity to media shield laws to state secrets laws, etc. Spector says he’s entirely unwilling to make any concession on anything.
Of course, we all know the answer to the million dollar question, which is whether a pig-headed stalwart is still better than our old buddy Alberto Gonzales. Spector of course confirms this, noting that “he’s a big improvement” and that “it would be impossible not to be” better than Alberto. True dat. They could’ve confirmed a rock and it would’ve been a better Attorney General than Alberto.
Actually, a rock might be a better Attorney General than Mukasey.
Actually, fuck that — I think The Rock should be our Attorney General. Duane “The Rock” Johnson, bringing you justice whether you want it or not! Word.
The important question is, did Picasso lay some serious pipe?
Probably because I have a gutter mouth and tend to often say some offensive shit (you should’ve heard the conversation about the Pope and Nazis I started in the office last week), I’ve always been a big proponent of free speech. And having been a big comics fan as a younger lad, the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund has been my charity of choice for a while now. For a couple of years, one of the big cases the CBLDF has been helping defend was down in Rome, Georgia. Gordon Lee, a comic store owner, had been giving away free comics as part of Free Comic Book Day, and among the thousands of comics he was handing out, he accidentally included a copy of Alternative Comics #2. In that comic, there was a story about Picasso meeting Beorges Braque, and Picasso is shown as nude in the scene. (You can see some images at the end of this post, after the jump. Since some folks were pissed off at seeing Ann Coulter’s “tits” last week — and really, who wants to even think of that, let alone see it — I figured you might think Picasso’s little brush is NSFW. If nothing else, QuizLaw is accommodating!)
That comic wound up being given out to a kid, and the kid’s parents complained to the cops. Lee was arrested, despite admitting it was a mistake and offering a public apology, and he was charged with some felonies and several misdemeanors. The trial has been a three-year mess, but it finally came to an end as the court has dismissed all of the charges against Lee.
Mayor of Ottawa, Canada’s Capital, is Lex Luther
(This post comes compliments of Ranylt Richildis, a writer over on our sister site, Pajiba, and a citizen of Ottawa).
In 2006, the citizens of Ottawa elected a former businessman to the mayoral chair. Larry O’Brien had no municipal experience, but with big bucks, a slick pate, and plenty of greasy pals at the provincial and federal levels of government, who needs know-how?
Allegations of corruption started hounding O’Brien before the ballot boxes were shelved. Terry Kilrea, a right-winger who dropped out of the mayoral race (giving O’Brien the lion’s share of conservative votes) has alleged that O’Brien offered him cash to make room for his opponent. These allegations have snaked all the way up to the federal Conservative Party, which currently holds power.
Things came to a head last December when O’Brien was charged with
“pretending to have influence with the government or a minister, contrary to Section 121(1)(d)(ii), and negotiating an appointment contrary to Section 125(b).” But the terrier-like O’Brien wouldn’t give up his seat and continues to make epic fiscal and PR blunders (here’s a summary —Number 3 is my favorite).
Arrogance, corruption and a thirst for power as bald as his head have earned O’Brien the moniker of “Lex Luther”. His supervillain mania went on full display last week when, after making an ass of himself in an interview about his son’s posting douche comments on a local blog, Luther tried to grab the tape recorder from the CBC reporter. “How do you erase everything I’ve said so far?” he snapped. When the reporter replied “I can’t do that, Mr. Mayor,” Luther took a tantrum and hollered “Oh yeah? Watch me!” and can be heard evicting the reporter from his office. CBC aired the tape. Mockery has ensued.
JFK Was Kind of Awesome, Huh?
Seth usually reserves Friday afternoon for weird or nonsensical videos, but he left the slot open this week, and going into the weekend (and, eventually, Tuesday’s presidential primary), you oughta take a look at this video, a series of questions posed to JFK. It’s enlightening for two reasons: 1) It came from a time when the press still did it’s fucking job; and 2) JFK was one cool motherfucker.
It’s a Bird!
Check out this video, and pay special attention to what Barack is saying and the hand gesture that goes along with it right at the :20 second mark.
Intentional? Subconscious? Freudian?
Or maybe he just had an itch.
The L.A. Times sure is making a stink of it. But, you know: What else have they got to do? They’ve probably laid off everyone but the bloggers by now, anyway.
WTF is Oral Sodomy?
Is that what I think it is? Is that what the kids are doing these days? Licking butt? Man alive.
Anyway: An Oklahoma sheriff has been charged with 35 felonies this week, including 14 counts of rape and the seven counts of oral sodomy. Mike Burgess had apparently been running a sex slave operation out of the female prison he was running. He is accused of raping inmates, forcing a drug court participant to have sex with him or face jail; and having inmates participate in a wet T-shirt contest and giving cigarettes to women who flashed their breasts.
He was also charged of one count of “rape by instrumentation.”
Rape by instrumentation? Oral sodomy? Dude, this guy was a sick fuck.
The Daily Memo - 4/18/08
Well who needs to read Supreme Court decisions when you show up court in a suit? I mean, let’s be reasonable here! (Legal Profession Blog)
The NFL Network is planning to file an FCC complaint against Comcast over their ongoing battle. (ESPN)
A new website is planning to make it easy for you to sue — “it’s like Match.com for lawyers and litigants.” (Above the Law)
Barney Frank has introduced legislation into the House which would decriminalize holding small amounts of weed, but don’t hold your THC-laced breath. (Convio.net)
A Georgia judge is planning to step down thanks to all sorts of ethics problems on the horizon. (Law.com)
A petition to cancel the FACEBOOK trademark registration has been filed. (The Trademark Blog)
The Washington Post used copyright law to nix the Flyers’ plan to rub egg in the paper’s face (but the Broadstreet Bullies won last night anyway!). (The 700 Level)
But how do you really feel?
I received the following e-mail joke from a partner at work earlier this week. Don’t know where it came from, so I can’t give proper attribution, but it’s mildly amusing enough (as far as lawyer humor goes) to share on a dull Friday:
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”
“Will things ever be the same again?”
Over at Pitzer College, some guys have been working to create the Masculinist Coalition and to get official school sponsorship (which they just got, earlier this week). As their charter puts it, they’re “a group created to celebrate man as members see fit, discuss issues men face and (most importantly) have a good time with other people of a similar mindset.” Unsurprisingly, the group met with some controversy and opposition on campus, particularly from some of the feminist and GLBT groups. Sort of understandable, kinda, although I’d tell all of them to chill out a little.
But I’m talking about this here because their Bylaws have the best set of provisions I’ve ever seen, and I would like to propose that all contracts from here-on-out contain a similar provision. From their charter:
a. If, for any reason, a member of the group feels that a meeting is being invaded by people who are there to cause trouble, intentionally sabotage a group vote or just not have a good time any member can yell “Shenanigans!” to initiate shenanigans.
b. The president must approve the declaration of shenanigans before shenanigans can start.
c. Once approved, all attending members must sing Europe’s “The Final Countdown” for 124 minutes, the exact runtime of “Die Hard 2”
c1. Anyone who is not familiar with the song can request a 1 minute demonstration.
d. Anyone not singing “The Final Countdown” must leave immediately and can’t vote that day.
e. At any time, the person who decreed shenanigans or the president can make a motion to end shenanigans.
f. Only the president can officially end shenanigans before the 124 minute mark.
Anything which provides for an official declaration of Shenanigans is already awesome in my book. But to then add “The Final Countdown” into the mix and come up with 124 minutes because that’s the running time of Die Hard 2? Mother fucking genius.
Stupid and deranged is a wonderful combination
Joesph Anthony Deiss is some kind of scumbag. Apparently, the 19-year-old likes to get his kicks by fucking around with animals. Like hucking a cute little pug and some rabbits up into the air and watching them come crashing to the ground. And fucking videotaping it.
That’s the deranged part.
The stupid part comes from Deiss posting a 14 minute video of his deranged cruelty to his MySpace page. He has now been charged with six counts of animal abuse, and is being held on $10,000 bail.
Deiss tried to defend himself on the basis that he purchased the rabbits to feed to boa constrictor (the feeding is on the tape too). Said the asshat: “It wasn’t meant to be intentionally cruel. I can see that it was somewhat bad, but nothing got hurt… People feed their snakes all the time.”
It wasn’t meant to be intentionally cruel? Torturing poor little bunnies before leading them to the slaughter — if that ain’t cruel, what is? Oh, that’s right — also torturing a poor, cute little pug. Fuck you Deiss.
(Hat tip to reader Howard H.)
When your boss tells you to take some “personal time,” this probably isn’t what they mean
From the Northwest Florida Daily News:
A Bay County Sheriff’s deputy spotted a suspicious vehicle on Penny Road near U.S. 231 and went to investigate.
He found a 26-year-old man “stimulating his genital organs.” The man put his clothes back on and told the deputy that, “he had just left work and explained that he needed some personal time with himself that he could not have at home.”
The Panama City resident was charged with indecent exposure in public.
Asshole neighbors are the best
Across the pond, Alan Corner spent about £50 to purchase two gargoyles to put on his roof after he finished restoring it. His neighbor, Mark Goodman, was worried that the gargoyles would fall off, and so he sued Corner. After a long court battle, Goodman won, proving that the gargoyles were safe. But thanks to a British requirement, because Goodman didn’t go to mediation before going to court, he not only has to pay his £20,000 in legal fees, but he has to pay half of Goodman’s £37,000.
So two £25 pound gargoyles and an asshole neighbor wound up costing Corner almost forty thousand quid. Fucking bummer. No wonder this gargoyle, which is one of the two Corner put up, looks so perturbed:
Bill Clinton: You’re Breaking My Heart, Man
I’ve mentioned it before, but it bears repeating: I grew up on Bill Clinton. He was my governor and then my president for 20 of the first 26 years of my life. In an era when idols have all but died, he was nevertheless mine. I worked his first presidential campaign when I was only 17, and again four years later, when I could actually cast a vote. I had a fucking life-size cardboard stand-up of the man in my college dorm, which scared the bejesus out of me every morning when I woke up thinking there was a stranger with a saxophone standing over me.
In short: The man meant a great deal to me. Sad as it may seem to some of you, he was a huge influence in my life, and the fact that a small-town kid from a single parent home could come out of backwoods Arkansas and be the President of the United States was a huge inspiration for me; in a lot of ways, Bill Clinton was the reason I wound up in law school in the first place.
And despite the man’s many faults, his personal setbacks, and his political blunders, I’ve nevertheless maintained a huge affection for him. But for the first time, really, he’s starting to lose a lot of luster for me. It’s heartbreaking, in a way, to see how he’s orchestrating his wife’s campaign. He’s not only damaging his wife’s campaign, he’s hurting his own image. Maybe irrevocably. And a statement he made earlier this week has put it over the top:
“I think there is a big reason there’s an age difference in a lot of these polls,” he said. “Because once you’ve reached a certain age, you won’t sit there and listen to somebody tell you there’s really no difference between what happened in the Bush years and the Clinton years; that there’s not much difference in how small-town Pennsylvania fared when I was president, and in this decade.”
Essentially, what Bill is saying here is that young people are supporting Barack Obama because they’re not smart enough to know better. And in saying so, he’s completely alienating the younger demographic. And the irony here is that Obama has done more than anyone since Bill Clinton to galvanize the American youth. College students are people in their 20s, for the first time in decades, really, feel honestly excited about a presidential candidate, and what does Bill do? He discredits them. The very same demographic that put him over the top in 1992 is now too dumb to know any better.
Well, you know what, Bill? Fuck you. Kids are excited about politics again, and how dare you try to take that away from them. Don’t be that guy, Bill. Don’t be the crusty old fogey who tells kids to get off his political lawn. Instead of discrediting younger votes, try to embrace them like you did in 1992 and 1996.
And stop being a douchebag.
Today in Semi-Erotic Legislation
Here is part of a proposed bill (now withdrawn) attempting to define the term “Beer Caberet,” a
term I’ve actually never heard of. Neverthless, methinks the bill’s sponsor, Jerry Maynard, has read a few too many romance novels:
“Beer Cabaret” means a theater, concert hall, auditorium, night club, bar, restaurant, or similar commercial establishment, located within the adult entertainment overlay district established in accordance with chapter 17.36 of the metropolitan code, which regularly features live topless performances and dancers, not to include or permit specified prohibited anatomical areas or activities as defined in this section.
“Specified prohibited anatomical areas” means:
1. Less than completely and opaquely covered: Human genitals, pubic region,
2. Human male genitals in a discernibly turgid state, even if completely opaquely covered.
“Specified prohibited sexual activities” means:
1. Human genitals in a state of sexual stimulation or arousal;
2. Acts of human masturbation, sexual intercourse or sodomy.
Well, I’m hot and bothered! Talk dirty to me, you filthy filthy legislator!
After 126 Years of Operation, The Wall Street Journal Discovers Sense of Humor
[Image moved to after the jump, to appease the masses (it’s kinda-sorta-possibly NSFW).]
The Daily Memo - 4/17/08
Yesterday, the Supremes upheld Kentucky’s use of lethal injection with a 7-2 decision in favor of tapping the veins, although “two of the seven justices who voted to uphold lethal injection … did so unhappily.” (Slate)
And the Supremes also had death on the mind as they heard argument about whether child rapists should get the death penalty. (LawInfo)
The Third Circuit thinks enhanced drug labels are for pussies. (FindLaw)
Did Elton John violate federal law by throwing a fundraising concert for Hillary? (Judicial Watch)
Speaking of music and the candidates, the Boss has endorsed Obama as being “head and shoulders above the rest.” (BruceSpringsteen.net)
The Third Circuit has also ruled that a NJ football coach didn’t have his First Amendment rights violated when his high school told him to stop letting his players have a moment of silence before the games. (Law.com)
“Retarded state legislation: California edition.” (Supreme Dicta)
For you across-the-pond entrepreneurs. (YourSmallBusiness)
The decline of Western Civilization continues
Zee cabbage does not run away from zee corn beef!
A dude in Illinois has gone to the state legislature in an effort to make it legal to own skunks as pets. Apparently, it’s legal in Indiana, so Dominique Durbin didn’t know it was illegal for him and his wife to have some pet skunks after finding an abandoned litter until they took a skunk named Penelope to get spayed and were told that pet skunks are a big no-no.
The fight seems to be primarily over rabies rather than, as I would’ve guessed, the stinky-stinky issue. In fact, Durbin talks about how good and easy it is to de-stinkify the skunks:
Once you have the animal descented, which is a nonevasive procedure done early in the animal’s life, having one is a complete joy. It’s like a cross between a house cat and a calm monkey.
Whatever you say, Durbin. But when your wonderful little pet falls in love with a cat that accidentally got a white paint stripe down its back, don’t come crying to me.
Lessons from behind the Blue Wall
Hi. My name is Clinton Wyatt, and I’m a police officer here in Fort Worth, Texas. I have learned that it’s not a good idea to drunk drive. Especially when you’re a cop. I have also learned that, if you are going to drink and drive (which, remember, is a bad idea), it’s an even worse idea to be doing it in a marked patrol car. But most of all, I have learned that even if you are going to drunk drive (bad idea), and especially if you’re going to do it in your marked patrol car (double-dog bad idea), it’s a way bad idea to pass out behind the wheel.
This has been another lesson … from behind the blue wall.
…By the way … Clinton Wyatt? Thanks mom and dad.
It’s so hard, to say goodbye…
This dude broke up with his girlfriend and, as one might expect, had to move out of her house. On moving day, she asked him where some of her son’s coins were. The dude said that he had no idea where the 50 cents was (he later told cops that he had the 50 cents at some point, but someone must have taken it). And then, because how dare she question him about money after throwing him out of the house, he put her in a headlock and threw her to the ground.
Because that’s how guys say goodbye in Florida?
He’ll be in court next week to face a misdemeanor domestic violence battery charge. I suspect he’ll at least get a fine and it’ll probably be for more than some laundry money. Asshat.
It’s a Great Country (At Least, that’s what Elizabeth Hasselback Says)
How’s this for patriotism: A soldier in the Iraq War was called home early under the military’s sole survivor policy, which means that his two brothers died in the war and he was the only one who remained.
Unfortunately, after this man, Jason Hubbard, lost his two brothers and was called home, the Army — in their infinite wisdom and compassion — thought it a swell idea to 1) stop his G.I. educational subsidies, 2) make him repay his signing bonus, and 3) cut off his family health care benefits.
Oh yeah: His wife is pregnant.
Ah yes: Be All You Can Be! Forty-two percent of our taxes are currently being paid to defense spending, and you can’t spare a few goddamn pennies for this guy? What the hell?
But Where’s the Video?
After a diligent search on YouTube, I was unfortunately unable to find a video that doctors and nurses taped and uploaded of a surgery performed on a man to remove a perfume canister from his ass.
In the video, the doctors and nurses were seen laughing boisterously while removing the perfume. And now the man is threatening to sue the hospital because of the embarrassment he suffered.
Dude: What’s more embarrassing: Have a few doctors snicker at you during a surgery, or being admitted for having a canister of perfume in your ass. What? Was he trying to make his anus smell better? Good luck with that, brother.
He’s Kind of Pretty, Right?
I have no idea, really, why this is news, but when a man dressed as a woman loses his shit, he gives cross-dressers everywhere a bad name.
Police say a man dressed as a woman repeatedly crashed his car into a suburban Detroit lingerie store that had refused to hire him earlier this year.
Oakland County Undersheriff Michael McCabe said Jeremy McIntosh, 27, was wearing “facial makeup, lipstick, blue Capri pants, red ‘flip-flops,’ a flowery blouse and a matching flowery women’s bra.” McIntosh told deputies he is homeless and wanted to go to jail because he had nowhere else to go.
For a homeless guy, he must be doing all right if he can afford a car and a matching flowery bra. And if jail is where he wants to be, he’s certainly dressed for the occasion.
This’ll Teach You to Stop Smoking
This is a crazy goddamn story: Nicholas White, a former production manager at Business Week, stepped out on a Friday night at 11:00 for a cigarette break. On his way back up to his office, he popped into an elevator, and that elevator didn’t open again for 41 Hours! They just forgot about him. After he was finally released from the elevator, an angry Nicholas refused to return to work and, eventually, filed a lawsuit against the building owners for $25 million. The suit dragged on for years, until he eventually settled for something less than six figures. He lost his job. His colleagues. His apartment. And is still unemployed.
You can watch the entire 41 hours in a time lapse video here, and it’s the sort of thing — in the 90 seconds or so it takes to watch it — that will make you feel incredibly claustrophobic, and ready to kill. $25 million may sound excessive, but man: That sort of pain and suffering deserves at least 7 figures.
The Daily Memo - 4/16/08
The Third Circuit has lowered the MOVE fire verdict again (which stems from when my wonderful city of Philly bombed itself back in ‘85). (Law.com)
Obama says if he becomes President he’ll immediately ask his AG to look into whether the Bush Administration committed any crimes. …Then he’ll ask his Chief Science Adviser if the sky is blue. (The Huffington Post)
France is considering a law that would make it illegal to promote or incite “extreme thinness.” Asshole-ish snobbery still ok, though.(FindLaw)
The owner of Starbucks is planning to sue the Sonics to keep them in Seattle. (WSJ Law Blog)
Jack Shafer says that “we don’t need no stinkin’ shield law.” (Slate)
Jesus — foreclosures went up 57% in the last year. (Reuters)
On Tax Day, the Supremes issued two tax rulings. (SOTUSblog)
Fatherly love knows no limit
An Ohio man was recently in court over charges that he had been going around town cutting the catalytic converters off of cars. Thirty-year-old Brent Leisgang was apparently trying to teach his 12-year-old son a craft, so he let the boy tag along for his criminal endeavors. But when the the cops showed up mid-cutting, Leisgang apparently decided that his apprentice was not yet ready to learn the fine art of making a getaway, so he left his son behind as he took off into the night.
With parents like these…
Holy hell. In Colorado, a 19-year-old man has been sentenced with 12 months of probation after pleading guilty to a charge stemming from his threat to kill his ex-girlfriend. Apparently, he showed up at the video store where she works and, in his best imitation of the Hulk, started knocking over displays and threatening the gal.
And what sparked this rage?
Well they were fighting over gangs, because he’s a member of one gang, while she’s a member of another. However, this wasn’t a typical gang fight. No sir. Rather, as a police spokesman put it: “They have different ideas on how [their 4-year-old son] should be raised. Basically, she said they cannot agree on which gang the baby would ‘claim.’”
When asked for comment, little boy Manuel said:
“Man, fuck them both. This Bloods and Crips shit is yesterday. I’m with the Bronco Bullies now, mother fucker. I’m slanging pacifiers in the morning, beating 2-years-old up in the afternoon, and spending my nights in the alley throwing back 40’s of breast milk. Thug Life!”
(Hat tip to reader Sharon F.)
Maryland hates the tan people
The Maryland General Assembly is getting close to passing a bill which would prohibit minors from hitting the tanning salon without the consent of their parents. Those in favor of the bill say its to protect the youth from skin cancer. Those opposed to the bill say “so what?” Senator James Brochin noted that you can also get skin cancer from “going outside without sun block.”
What this really boils down to is the fact that the kids won’t be able to get their bronze on during the ever important prom season. Having lived in Maryland for a small period of time, I can say this with a little authority — them some pasty folks down there. So whatever with the skin cancer. Let the kids pretty up for prom, damn it!
Well, How Many Troops Would You Like There to Be?
How to Spoil a Perfectly Good Bank Robbery?
Ask the robber for ID, of course:
The Honolulu Police Department asked for the public’s help in Monday in tracking down a man who tried to rob a bank.
A man walked up to a teller with a note demanding money, then past a second note for a withdrawal.
“The note says ‘This is a robbery.’ She takes a little while. What he does is he gets another note, and this time it’s a withdrawal slip for a certain amount of money. She asks for him for ID. He gets flustered, and he flees,” Sgt. Kim Buffett said.
That is when he took off.
It could be worse, as in another bank robbery, where the robber actually did give the teller her identification:
A woman accused of robbing two banks this month gave investigators a vital clue to her identity Monday, when she passed a threatening note to a teller with her name and address on the back.
Investigators believe Maria Garcia, 33, scrawled the hold-up message on the back of a completed food stamp application moments before entering the Capital One Bank branch in downtown McAllen and making off with an undisclosed amount of cash.
The Daily Memo - 4/15/08
Harry Potter and the Author on the Stand. (WSJ Law Blog)
Verizon (the Devil) is suing Time Warner Cable (the mother fucking Antichrist) over a stupid TV ad talking about fiber optics. (Engadget)
Is a tree with broken skateboards on it an illegal form of advertising, or artwork and a memorial? (FayObserver)
A British Royal blackmailed for allegedly being gay won’t take the stand. (GeekLawyer)
Punch a cop’s horse in the ass at three in the morning and, yeah, you’re going to jail. (TBO)
Al Jolson would be so proud
William Bianchi is apparently some sort of British tycoon. And he was recently in court over a a DUI charge, with sentencing due to happen tomorrow. See, back in September, Bianchi was at a birthday/costume party for his goddaughter, where he apparently got a bit sloshed. So when he left the party, he smashed his Mercedes into a tree. Bianchi got stuck in the car and after strangers helped him get out of the now-flaming car, he was taken to a hospital.
It was easy for the cops to track him down, because his hair was all singed, reminding one of the cops of Wile E. Coyote. And because “he was dressed as a full Roman gladiator with a breastplate, body armour and skirt.” And because he was in blackface.
Must’ve been one helluva party.
…Go together like a horse and carriage
We’ve done our fair amount of Hillary bashing around these parts, no bones about it. Dustin and I have never tried to argue that this site is fair and balanced, and I like to think that the fact that we do wear our opinions on our iSleeves is one of the reasons we’ve managed to hold onto the small handful of fans we’ve got.
Anyway, my point is this — I’m not actually posting this link as yet another Hillary bash. In fact, Slate’s article about her marriage with Bill could easily go either way. If I wanted to spin it into a pro-Hillary post, I could. And I could just easily use it to write a scathing “Hillary sucks” post. But it’s far too interesting an article and a take on the Clinton love to be pigeon-holed one way or the other. Here’s a taste:
While their union is unconventional, it also remains intense in ways a lot of more traditional marriages just aren’t after 30-plus years. Sally Bedell Smith, who spent three years researching her book on the couple, For Love of Politics, says their relationship still boils down to what Bill Clinton told his mom about why he was marrying Hillary: “I need someone I can talk to.” Barging in on the two of them in the heat of a political discussion is, by some accounts, almost like walking in on another couple having sex. “The one scene that sums it up for me,” Smith says, “is one day in September of 2000, when they had both just given speeches, and she was in the campaign van and he was leaning in and they were staring into each others eyes” in a way that made aides who witnessed the scene wish they were anywhere else. “They were staring into each other’s eyes, and it was described to me as a moment of rapture. It’s always been a different kind of marriage, but if you define your passion in those terms, yeah, it’s there.”
…There’s one for you, nineteen for me
Happy Tax Day, my American brethren! You may be grumbling as you hurry to finish those last Form Whatever-and-Whatnots, but not everyone hates Mr. I.R.S. In fact, Slate’s Mark Gimein loves him some Taxman.
But if you’re not of a similar mindset, and prefer to bust out with a “get bent Taxman,” well, I figure you might just need some cheering up. So take this headline for a spin:
Baaaaaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. This tickles my shit pink. And to all those who say that law firms are soulless succubi … well, you’re right. But at least they know where to draw a line in the sand.
A man leaves his first wife driving north at 64 mph. How long does it take him to get to his second wife?
Mohammed Anwar was recently busted in Scotland for driving more than double over the Glasgow speeding limit. That qualified him to instantly have his driver’s license revoked. But in court, he presented an interesting argument for needing to keep his license:
Mohammed Anwar said a ban would make it difficult to commute between his two wives and fulfill his matrimonial duties.
His lawyer told a Scottish court the Muslim restaurant owner has one wife in Motherwell and another in Glasgow - he is allowed up to four under his religion - and sleeps with them on alternate nights.
And the court bought it, giving him a heavy fine and some points but letting him keep his license.
Dude, Mohammed, haven’t you seen “Big Love?” Just build yourself a multi-home complex man. Seriously.
Where’s Doug Llewelyn when you need him?
In India, The People’s Court works a little different than over here. Take the case of a middle-aged woman in Dhanbad. She used to regularly attend a Kali temple with her husband, despite the fact that other local women weren’t so keen on it. However, since the temple is supposed to have open access to any Dhanbad villagers, there was never a problem. But it would seem that the open access no longer applies when your man passes away.
When the woman entered the temple as a widow, it enraged the locals. So much so that the villagers had a “people’s court” to determine her punishment, which was to parade her naked through the streets of a nearby village. The next time she tried to enter the temple, justice was enacted:
[A]bout 200 people prevented her from entering the temple, stripped her, put shoes around her neck and paraded her on village streets. They were shouting slogans alleging she practised witchcraft and was responsible for the outbreak of chicken pox in the village.
The witchcraft business is because the locals blame her for the recent death of another woman.
During this street justice scene, the locals also allegedly tried to feed her shit, though she says they were unsuccessful.
…See what I mean. I never one saw Judge Wapner order someone to eat shit. Although I saw a few cases where it would’ve been warranted.
The US Electoral System Is Simple, Really
Further Evidence That Most Lawyers are Douchebags
A Brooklyn civil-court judge — who probably deals with silly lawsuits all day and watches as juries give away millions to undeserving plaintiffs — has decided to join in on the fun. After he slipped and fell in his own courtroom, the Honorable Dickbag, Jack Battaglia, is suing the city of New York and the courtroom’s cleaning lady for $1 million, accusing the city of “negligently using a mop bucket and wringer” and “negligently using a mop and soapy water” to create a “dangerous and hazardous traplike condition.”
Are We Living in a Post-Feminist World? Hardly.
I guess the sudden onset of blind, all-encompassing disdain I’ve developed for Hillary Clinton over the last few months has obscured something that I didn’t realize existed to the extent it still does. I’m used to seeing ugly misogyny in the gossip world, but aside from the usual right-wing nutjobs, I’m not as accustomed to seeing it as much in politics. However, New York Magazine ran a fascinating piece over the weekend on Hillary Clinton and the way her candidacy has brought the sexist douchebags out of the woodwork, including the punditry world (which I mostly avoid these days, outside of Anderson Cooper). Moreover, it shows that — as much as many of us would like to believe it — we’re not living in a post-feminist world. Here’s a taste:
It was hardly a revelation to learn that sexism lived in the minds and hearts of right-wing crackpots and Internet nut-jobs, but it was something of a surprise to discover it flourished among members of the news media. The frat boys at MSNBC portrayed Clinton as a castrating scold, with Tucker Carlson commenting, “Every time I hear Hillary Clinton speak, I involuntarily cross my legs,” and Chris Matthews calling her male endorsers “castratos in the eunuch chorus.” Matthews also dubbed Clinton “the grieving widow of absurdity,” saying, of her presidential candidacy and senatorial seat, “She didn’t win there on her merit. She won because everybody felt, ‘My God, this woman stood up under humiliation.’ ” While that may be partly true—Hillary’s approval ratings soared in the wake of l’affaire Lewinsky—Matthews’s take reduced her universally recognized political successes to rewards for public sympathy, as though Clinton’s intelligence and long record of public service count for nothing. Would a male candidate be viewed so reductively?
Check out the entire article.
The Daily Memo - 4/14/08
Bret Michaels and the producers of “Rock of Love 2” have been sued for the damage done to the Encino, California house used for the show. (Reality Blurred)
The Federal Circuit declined a rehearing of TiVo’s victory over the Dish Network, but Dish plans to appeal to the Supremes. (Engadget)
New York has approved the “Amazon tax,” which will require online retailers to collect NY state taxes — it’s safe to bet other states will follow suit, so start kissing the free ride goodbye. (Internet News)
Miss Los Angeles has filed a lawsuit over being Miss California and then not being Miss California. (LAist)
Dahlia Lithwick gives some thoughts to how the press corps for the Supremes might be modernized. (Slate)
You a lawyer? You looking for a job? Wanna be part of the surge of civilian lawyers going to Iraq? If so, the Department of State would love to chat with you. (WSJ Law Blog)
The FCC has hit Best Buy, Target and Circuit City, among others, with over $6.6 million in fines for failing to put up notices near analog TVs, letting folks know that over-the-air broadcasts go all digital next February. (The Industry Standard)
A Brazilian judge has said the video game “Bully” can no longer be sold in the country because it’s too violent. Think of the children! (FindLaw)
Can’t touch this
Barack has a little something to say about Clinton and McCain’s recent dig on him:
Fucking Donkeyballs Bullshit!
With a hat tip to the Blawg Review anonymous editor, I learned about the Blog Cuss-O-Meter. Now, we didn’t score a big donut like The Legal Satyricon but, as you see, we got a paltry 6.3%. Only 6% of our pages contain cussing? Mother fuck — Dustin, we gotta step this shit up.
(Our sister site, Pajiba scored a much more impressive 80%, so we’re good on that one.)
Well, yeah, at least she’s being honest
I’m going to try this tactic the next time I’m in court and the Judge asks me a question I don’t like.
Visual sexual aggression?
Ok, lookit. Even if you don’t believe in hell, you know there’s a special place in hell for kiddy piddlers. I’m right there with you. And yeah, I can’t say I’m a fan of nasty kiddy piddlers (or even just plain old creeps) leering at kids, even if it doesn’t go beyond that. And if I were a parent and saw some creepo hanging out outside my kid’s school or the park or something, getting all glinty-eyed and leery, he might find a size 10-and-a-half foot up his ass.
But a law allowing people to be thrown in jail for looking at kids? Come on, Maine, that’s fucking ridiculous.
And yes, the state’s House has already passed a bill that would make it a crime to leer at kids in public (apparently this is just “closing a loophole” on the visual sexual aggression law which, from the vague article, I gather already bans leering in private places).
Pale Blue Dot
This has absolutely nothing to do with the law. But as a nerd and former science guy, I find it cool as shit. As someone who’s just interested in things, I find it interesting as hell. And as a human, I find it kind of awe-inspiring.
WTF? Quote of the Day…
…Comes from President Bill Clinton, on Hillary’s BosniaGate:
And, you know. I got tickled the other day. A lot of the way this whole campaign has been covered has amused me. But there was a lot of fulminating because Hillary, one time late at night when she was exhausted, misstated and immediately apologized for it, what happened to her in Bosnia in 1995. Did y’all see all that? Oh, they blew it up.
Huh? What are you saying, Bubba? Is that Popple-speak?
The Greatest Bachelor Party. Ever.
Authorities are investigating a bachelor party held for a sheriff’s deputy in Camden County, Maine in which the bachelor was: “Shot with an electroshock weapon, handcuffed, hog-tied with duct tape, oiled and feathered, and paraded through downtown Camden strapped to a lawn chair on the back of a flatbed truck” with a sign that read, “Last Chance, Ladies.”
Down South, where I’m from, we call that Tuesday night.
You can find the full video evidence here.
The Daily Memo - 4/11/08
Uhm, wow. A British official put this on his blog: “To suggest that rape, when conducted without violence, is a serious crime is like suggesting force-feeding a woman chocolate cake is a heinous offense.” I mean. Jesus. (Londonist)
Sorry, Lat, the new site design still sucks. Long and hard. (Above the Law)
The Scalia played Macbeth when he was a lad. I find that strangely awesome. (WSJ Law Blog)
Oh man, the Venice Beach hippies might just up and start a riot. (Curbed LA)
Hey Congress — if you can get that passengers’ bill of rights together before my flight to Miami gets canceled later this month, well, I’d appreciate it. (FindLaw)
Gabrielle Union is suing some folks over a fake Craigslist ad. (Law.com)
For those who say patent attorneys are nerds, this very special marriage proposal proves you 100% correct. (Above the Law)
A NY judge has filed suit over judicial pay. (WSJ Law Blog)
You’re god damned right!
A Chicago judge has told the Windy City’s Rosscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles that it has to change its name. That’s because anyone who knows about good things knows that the one true Roscoe’s House of Chicken ‘n Waffles is right here in LA. If you’re not someone who knows about good things, you might be saying, “waffles and chicken — what the fuck?” Well all I can say to you, good sir or madam, is that you don’t know nothing. Because Roscoe’s is fucking tits. And the food coma you get after a meal there, oh my god the greasy food coma….
(Hat tip to Curbed LA.)
To the Extreme …
You hear that bass line, y’all. The one that sounds suspiciously like David Bowie’s “Under Pressure.” It’s getting louder. Louder. LOUDER! Dum dum dum da da dum dum!
That’s Robert Van Winkle on the comeback trail. He’s huffing. He’s puffing. He’s rumbling and bumbling. He’s …
What? He assaulted his wife?
The 40-year-old, whose real name is Robert Van Winkle, was arrested for domestic battery after his wife Laura Van Winkle made an emergency call to police claiming that he was hitting and kicking her. (Source)
He wasn’t “hitting and kicking”! Those were Vanilla Ice’s new dance moves. He’s back — and those are his brand new inventions — he’s flowing like a harpoon daily and nightly! Rocking the mic like a vandal! Come on, Laura — you should’ve known when you married him that he was deadly when he plays a dope melody. Love it or leave it, you better gain weight. He’s goes crazy when he hears a cymbal! Did you play a cymbal?
Oh, hell: Damnit Vanilla Ice. You’re just another wife-beating “thug.” Your brain is dead, like a poisonous mushroom. Douchebag.
That’s the biggest bunch of crap I’ve ever … sorry, the article’s picture distracted me.
Across the pond, a law firm has decided to ban women from wearing fishnet stockings at work because it’s distracting the male lawyers:
A law firm’s decision to ban women wearing fishnets to work has left lawyers as neatly divided as a divorcing millionaire’s fortune.
The unidentified firm has decreed that female lawyers in fishnets distract male colleagues and look unprofessional.
An employee of the firm - thought to be based in London - blew the whistle on the ban by writing on the law website legalweek.com.
The article is worth a full read, as it includes some amusing comments about the whole situation.
Brilliant burglar or billiantest burglar?
Cash Burch … how awesome is that name? … was recently busted for breaking into a truck in an attempt to steal it. He got caught because the Ford Explorer has a nifty little anti-theft device. Burch was having trouble starting the truck and wound up draining the battery. That’s when the anti-theft device kicked in, locking the truck! The owner later came out to find Burch stuck in the truck — although he had busted up the dahsboard trying to get out, no such luck.
Craziest State in the Union Just Got Bloodshedier!
Florida, the state where mutants and pedophiles grow on trees, where evolution still hasn’t quite caught up, and where something close to 93 percent of the nation’s dumbass crimes occurs, is now batshit crazier! And 47 times more dangerous.
Most Florida residents would be allowed to take guns to work under a measure passed by Florida lawmakers on Wednesday.
You hear that, America? In Florida, every day is Take Your Gun to Work Day. And every other day, from now on, will be “Hostage Situation” or “Shooting Spree at Florida Workplace” Day!
Seriously: Stay the hell out of Florida.
Art triumphs over the law
Last October, a car remade by artist Michel de Broin went on it maiden voyage in Toronto, only to be pulled over by the cops. Turns out, they don’t like the idea of pedal-powered cars. Even though the artist wasn’t in the car at the time, he was the one facing a ticket since it was registered in his name. But last week, his lawyers defeated that ticket in court, arguing that there was no evidence that the car was unsafe. The Justice of the Peace agreed, saying it was pretty similar to a bike and didn’t look to be a “dangerous vehicle.”
Video of that maiden voyage and subsequent arrest:
That’s One Brazen Little Punk
Out in Jersey, a high-school junior/twerp is facing expulsion after a teacher discovered that he had a “hit list” that included three students and a school administrator. He was arrested and charged with making terrorist threats.
Also on his hit list: Chuck Norris.
Clearly the kid doesn’t know who he’s fucking with — Chuck Norris will rain the pain down, motherfucker. Ain’t no arsenal in the world that can hold down Chuck Norris. Have you seen Delta Force? The man will rip your face off with his teeth and then kick your dog for the helluva it. True story.
The Daily Memo - 4/10/08
My biggest problem with the “Supreme Court of Comedy” is that there’s no way you can really call Sinbad, Tom Arnold and Paul Rodriguez “comedians.” (CNN)
Looks like there’s some trouble at my local legal newspaper, Los Angeles’ Daily Journal. (LA Observed)
What courts should plaintiffs try to get their cases into? (Above the Law)
A Nevada man has filed a lawsuit claiming that the Constitution bans women from becoming President. (Law.com)
Nice! John McCain may have once physically attacked another Congressman. (The Huffington Post)
Louisiana may start chopping off sex offenders’ balls. (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,348171,00.htmlFox News)
A French court has barred a Swiss company from saying its cookies are “from Champagne.” (FindLaw)
Pretty people never go to jail
Last December, former “Playboy” model Rebecca Reyes was pulled over because of broken taillights. The feisty model got out of her truck and ignored the cops when they told her to get back in, and began cussing at them. When one of the cops grabbed her arm and pushed her against the patrol car so he could cuff her, she kept spewing the cusses and began to twist and turn, causing the cop to toss her to the ground. She was then arrested and charged with non-violently resisting arrest.
Last week, Reyes (whose name in her “Playboy,” “GQ” and “Esquire” spreads is Reby Sky), had herself a little jury trial. And while she got 12 months probation, a $500 fine and 48 hours of community service, the Judge spared the 21-year-old from having to spend any time in the clink. If she were fugly, though, Judge Thomas Barber said he would’ve locked her up and thrown away the key.
Perez Hilton Suffers Loss of Reputation, Putting It Firmly in the Negative
A few weeks ago, we reported over on our sister site about Perez Hilton’s involvement in a bit of a sex scandal. Basically, Perez cajoled a young blogger to send him a sex tape in exchange for a little free publicity. When Perez didn’t cough up the free publicity, the blogger released IM transcripts implicating Perez and basically revealing him to be the slobbish, pathetic weasel that he is.
I was surprised, frankly, that — given Perez’s popularity — the sex scandal didn’t get much play. In fact, after a day, it all but disappeared, and it was never mentioned on Perez’s site.
Well, Perez, a man with a brain the size of Rhode Island, on a map, decided to sue the blogger, thus airing out the entire scandal for public consumption once again. Idiot. According to The Smoking Gun:
Perez Hilton claims that a Florida blogger slandered him by claiming the online gossip columnist solicited sexual favors in exchange for help promoting the man’s nascent web site. In an April 8 Los Angeles Superior Court complaint, Hilton (real name: Mario Lavandeira) alleges that Jonathan Lewandowski recently told reporters that he was manipulated into sending sexually explicit videos to Lavandeira, and that the pair had sex and dated. Lavandeira, 30, charges that these claims are false, adding that Lewandowski (who uses the handle Jonathan Jaxson when blogging) has also invaded his privacy by posting his cell phone number online. In his complaint, an excerpt of which you’ll find below, Lavandeira contends that, as a result of the 24-year-old Lewandowski’s actions, he has “suffered loss of his reputation, shame and mortification” and “mental anguish.”
Perez suffered mental anguish and shame? Fuck that noise. How can you suffer shame when you have no shame to speak of?
Well it’s always good to have a backup plan
In South Carolina, this dude walked into a bank to cash a $173 personal check. He gave it to the teller, as folks cashing checks are wont to do, but she had to inform him that there wasn’t enough money in the account to cover the check. He pleaded with the teller, saying he needed the money or someone was going to kill him.
When the teller still kindly refused, he went to Plan B, and wrote a note declaring that he was robbing the bank. At this point, she gave him some cash and he took off.
The best part of the article is the end, which states: “Investigators say they have a suspect, but have not made an arrest.” They have a suspect? You think? Could it be, oh I dunno, the guy who’s name was on the personal check?
Ari Fleischer — Olympic Savior!
Ari Fleischer, former Press Secretary and Bush lackey, has finally figured out a way to solve all the problems with the obnoxious folks who keep protesting the running of the Olympic torch — it’s kind of beautiful in its simplicity, too:
Olympic organizers “don’t have a lot of options,” Fleischer says. “China is in a terrible spot of its own making. No one should be sympathetic to the Chinese and this is only going to get worse heading towards the Games.”
“Right now, it’s pretty manageable,” Fleischer says. “It’s not like there’s 250 protestors grabbing for the torch. Maybe the best thing they could do is to get faster runners [emphasis added].”
Brilliant plan, Ari. Or maybe we can go as far back as the source — human rights violations in China. If we could just figure out how to make all the victims of torture run faster, we could wash our hands of this whole mess once and for all.
Ari for Prez!
What the Fuck is Wrong with People?
A Pennsylvania man is facing homicide charges today after he beat a two-year-old girl to death with a video game controller! What the hell, man? A video game controller? Seriously — who does that?
The mother is also facing child endangerment charges because she apparently overheard the man, who was her boyfriend, beating her daughter, but did nothing until the toddler was unconscious.
It wasn’t the first time the little girl had been beaten, either. The country coroner, in fact, said it was the worst case of abuse he’d ever seen.
Jesus: This is why you should have to pass a mental and psychological fitness test before you’re allowed to give birth — I mean, you have to at least take a driver’s test before you get a license. Why do we let any old jackass with a uterus procreate?
The Case of the Flying Kebab
Note for future reference: A Munich, Germany court set a precedent today that, I suspect, will also prevail in future American court cases. The breadth of the decision is stunning, by any measure, and I doubt very much that the future of litigation will ever be the same. The court ruled firmly, and harshly, that a woman is not (I repeat, not) entitled to damages because being targeted with a kebab does not constitute a “serious violation … of human dignity and honor.”
A German court on Monday rejected a fast-food stall worker’s demand that an irate customer pay her damages for throwing a half-eaten kebab at her.
The claim stemmed from an altercation in June at the woman’s kebab outlet. The Munich administrative court said the customer unsuccessfully demanded his money back, then threw away the kebab.
The court said in a statement that the woman, who had claimed damages of at least €250 (£197), failed to prove her claim the customer had called her a ‘stupid cow.’
Somebody let the Supreme Court know.
The Daily Memo - 4/9/08
God damn it! A local Assemblyman from here in LA wants to start taxing music downloads. Fooey! (Mercury News)
Should judges cite literary fiction more than they currently do? (Concurring Opinions)
So if Billy Clinton has deep ties with Colombia, does he have to resign now too? (The Huffington Post)
“Senator Straight Talk won’t go on the record with Project Vote Smart.” (Mother Jones)
Hee. “Twatty.” (Geeklawyer)
More Real Men of Law School. (Legal Antics)
The Scalia says he ain’t no nut. (WSJ Law Blog)
Fucking Gargamel is at it again!
In Dodge County, Wisconsin, there was an election for a supervisory district seat. The ballots had no candidates listed, so this was entirely a write-in campaign. There were 15 write-in votes, which went to four candidates. And one of those write-in candidates was the one and only Papa Smurf.
Sadly, Papa Smurf won’t get the seat, as the Country Clerk has decided to strike those votes. Because, clearly, she hates little people. That’s some prejudiced shit right there, I’ll tell you what.
Never Gonna Give You Up
God bless you, Law.com. The site just posted an article about the fact that Shae Stadium, in NY, is named after a lawyer, William A. Shea. Shae Stadium is, of course, where the NL East
champion choking NY Mets have played since 1964. This is their last season in the stadium, and yesterday was the home opener.
Anyway, I say “god bless Law.com” because, thanks to its story, there is an albeit-thin legal connection for what I really want to talk about. Which is that, firstly, the Mets lost their last Shae home opener to the Phighting Phils. Hot diggity!
But better yet, yesterday’s game provided more evidence that the internets are awesome. Because, yes sir, the Diggers and Farkers pulled it off — the Mets got Rick Roll’d!
True love can’t cannot be denied
Forrest Lynn Foreman was recently sentenced to 10 years in the clink after pleading no to contest to charges that he was cooking up meth. But after getting that sentence, and before being hauled away in chains, Foreman took a little detour to another room in the courthouse so that a police chief, who also happens to be an ordained minister, could wed Foreman and his 19-years younger bride-to-be.
“After the service, Foreman was taken to jail.”
Ain’t love grand?
Which one of these things is not like the other?
In Jersey, local and state police have been on major gang raids recently. Codenamed “Operation Five Spot,” their focus has been on rounding up members of the Libside Boys and the Clinton Avenue Posse. Between January and March, they’ve arrested 91 alleged gang members and along along with those arrests, they’ve also confiscated quite a few things:
Weapons, a stun gun, a bulletproof vest, heroin, cocaine, an alligator, crack, ecstasy, Oxycontin and marijuana.
…Yup, an alligator! Sucker was three feet long.
Another Valuable Lesson the Nursing Homes Didn’t Teach: Interrogations are Videotaped
It’s been a year and a half since we originally wrote about the black widow case, a case involving two elderly L.A. women who befriended homeless men, got them drunk, took 26 life insurance policies out on three of them, then had them killed so they could collect the proceeds. A pretty clever scheme for a couple of broads in their 70s. Unfortunately, it didn’t work, and now the blue-hairs are facing the death penalty.
Well, the trial is currently ongoing, and prosecutors released a video on Monday in which the FBI leaves the two women alone in the interrogation room. What they don’t realize, however, is that they are being videotaped. Unfortunately, we can’t embed the interrogation, but you can check it out here, and it features this wonderful gem:
“It’s your fault,” Rutterschmidt told Golay in the tape. “You can’t have that many insurers. … You were greedy. That’s the problem.”
Oooh, Oooh. Clinton Lies Again!
I’m an ass, but whatever: I’m starting to find a little joy in Hillary Clinton’s campaign debacles. In fact, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed demonizing her the last few months (I dunno what I’m going to do if she somehow pulls out the nomination, besides eat my goddamn words). Anyway: Today’s campaign mispeakment comes courtesy of a story she’s been telling in her stump speeches about a pregnant woman with no medical insurance who was turned away from a hospital twice because she couldn’t pony up $100 to get admitted. The third time she arrived, she came in an ambulance — her baby was born stillborn, and she later died of complications.
It’s actually an immensely sad story — and both the stillbirth and the woman’s unfortunate death are true. However, what’s not true is that she was never turned away for care — in fact, she had medical insurance. Hillary, who has decided to remove the story from her speech, says that she was merely telling the story the way she heard it, second-hand from an Ohio police officer. Hillary says she didn’t know all the details.
Now, wouldn’t you think that, if you’re going to use a story in your stump speech — something you repeat 10 times a day — that you’d go the extra mile and get the actual facts? Or, perhaps, the facts just didn’t fit the point she was trying to make.
These shoes are Italian. They’re worth more than your life.
Boo! on Rob Lowe. The guy — who was, like, the original sex-tape celebrity (remember back in ‘88, the Democratic National Convention, the underage girl, the menage a trois? Good times!) — has sued his nanny for $1 million, charging Laura Boyce with violating a confidentiality agreement, defamation and infliction of emotional distress. Lowe (Fun Fact: Rob is deaf in one ear) and his wife claim in court papers that Boyce “betrayed their trust and engaged in a scheme to hurt the Lowes by spreading malicious lies” both during and after she served as nanny.
Now, here’s where the “Boo!” comes in: He says nothingabout what she did! If you’re going to sue someone for spreading malicious lies, you gotta tell us what the malicious lies are, so we can gossip about them as if they’re true! Cause, if it’s in court papers, it’s gotta be true!
On a side note: $1 million, huh? How many nannies do you know that can afford a $1 million lawsuit?
The Daily Memo - 4/8/08
If it ain’t broke, it is now — sorry Lat, but the Royal We think that ATL’s new design is boring as all get-out. (Above the Law)
NBC is suing the Weinstein Company for trying to take “Project Runway” from Bravo to Lifetime. (The NY Times)
NJ is considering a law requiring companies to let workers take paid leave to care for new kids or sick relatives. (FindLaw)
Wondering who might write the rest of this year’s Supreme decisions? (SCOTUSblog)
Well I don’t know about Rayburn House Office Building Room 2113, but that Room 2107 is an untrustworthy piece of shit. (Supreme Dicta).
A New York man pissed off over his local water bill tried to pay with a check written on TP but the city officials aren’t so amused. (CBS6)
Even if he’s 84-years-old, it’s probably not a good idea to try to rob an ex-Marine. (Mercury News)
Headhunter to Akin Gump: “Where’s my money?” Court to headhunter: “Up your ass, buddy.” (Law.com)
A Malaysian woman is suing her husband over the loss of her virginity. (The Earth Times)
Well sure, that’s commensurate with the crime
In Cincinnati, 41-year-old Gary Weaver was arrested for disorderly conduct. He was sentenced with one night in jail, which sounds about right. But turns out that Mr. Weaver has had a warrant out for his arrest since 1990. Back in the day, Weaver purchased $21 worth of goods using fake dime rolls (they were filled with pennies, with dimes on the end). He was charged with a felony because of a prior theft conviction, and the charge has been pending ever since.
So Weaver is stuck in jail because there’s a $1 million bond tied to that warrant, and the court refuses to lower that amount. One million is a lot of squadush, but it’s even more ridiculous when you think about the fact that this was set in 1990 money. In present day money, that’s somewhere between $1.5 and 2 million. For a twenty dollar scam.
Pay close attention, honey, daddy’s gonna show you true love
Good father, this one:
Brandon Hughes was pulled over Thursday morning by a deputy [because of a broken tail light]. When the deputy approached, investigators said, Hughes got out and punched him in the face and then he ran off.
Deputies caught Hughes about a block away and tasered him.
An eyewitness found a 3-year-old girl in the back seat of his car.
Maybe he just figured his kid would be better off with the cops than with him. If so, sounds like he figured right.
Apple tries to take a bite out of the Big Apple
New York City has this new initiative called GreeNYC, the goal of which is reduce carbon emissions by 30% in the next 22 years. And they’ve got this nifty little logo you see right over there, with a cute little apple-thinger because of, you know, the whole “Big Apple” thing.
Anyway, greeNYC filed for a federal trademark registration for that image, and now Apple, the computer/iPod company, has stepped in to oppose the registration. Apple says the nonprofit’s little apple is too damn close to Apple’s own silver apple. Which is fucking preposterous. First of all, they’re not all that similar, beyond the fact the fact that both are apples. Second of all, the standard is likelihood of confusion, and I don’t how Apple is going to credibly argue that a good number of people are likely to see the greeNYC logo and think that Apple must be associated with the carbon reduction initiative.
Luckily, greeNYC has a backup logo, involving the slogan “iPlan for Carbon Reduction.” Apple surely won’t have any problems with that.
“Democrats, your task is not just to choose between this pair, it’s to grow a pair.”
From Friday’s “Real Time with Bill Maher:”
Oh Sweet Mercy Mother of God
You see that cute couple there to the left? Those poor people had a child in 2001, which died of a congenital heart defect a few hours after it was born. However, last May, they finally successfully had a child together.
Good for them, right?
Oh, and I know what you’re thinking — he’s kind of old for her, huh? Well, you’re right about that — he’s 61 and she’s 39. But, as the man (John Earnest Deaves) said: “Emotions take over, as people no doubt realize. There are times during your life where emotions do rule the heart, it rules the head.”
I think we can all understand that, right?
Oh, wait: He’s also her fucking father!
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. This lovely couple are daughter and father — and not in the adopted, step, or spiritual way: They’re blood relatives, bitches. Granted, they didn’t see each other for 30 years after he left his daughter’s mother, but when the reunited, they reunited in style.
Mrs Deaves said soon after reuniting with her father she began to see him as a man first and her father second.
“I was looking at him, sort of going, oh, he’s not too bad. Like you might look at a man across the bar at a nightclub.”
She said the physical relationship with her father was like “a sexual relationship with any other man”.
For Mr Deaves the sexual relationship was “absolutely fantastic”.
You hear that ladies — a sexual relationship with your father can be “fantastic!” All of you women with bad sexual lives, well, you’ve just been looking in the wrong places. Try the family dinner table, next time.
Instant Karma’s Gonna Get You
Karma is getting quicker, folks:
State police say 39-year-old Thomas Wright Jr.’s dog ran from his house onto the property of Herschel Hupp, of Amwell Township, and began chasing Hupp’s cattle. Police say Hupp got a .22 caliber rifle and tried to shoot the dog.
Police say Wright stepped in and was shot in the thumb, and the same bullet killed the dog.
Wright wrestled the rifle from Hupp and went to check on his dog, but Hupp then collapsed and stopped breathing. Police say Wright performed CPR on Hupp and both men were taken to Washington Hospital, where Hupp had a heart attack and died.
And the moral of the story: Don’t be a dick.
(Note: Pictured dog not harmed in incident)
My Kind of Deposition
A Philly judge has fined the CEO of a mortgage company and his lawyer nearly $30,000 for basically saying “fuck” 73 times over a 12-hour deposition.
“The nature of Wider’s misconduct was so severe and pervasive, and his violations of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure so frequent and blatant, that any reasonable attorney representing Wider would have intervened in an effort to curb Wider’s misconduct,”
For a couple of primo video excerpts, check out Philly.com.
The Daily Memo - 4/7/08
The Ninth Circuit has ruled that the federal fair housing laws apply to website roommates.com, in some difference of opinion with the recent Seventh Circuit craigslist decision. (LAist)
Google’s being sued over privacy rights by a couple whose house shows up on Google Street Views. (The WSJ Law Blog)
Jury to Microsoft: “You pay $367 million in patent damages and you pay them now.” (Engadget)
A Florida judge has resigned following a flap over his spat with a fellow judge, who happens to be, as ATL puts it, a “robe muncher.” (Above the Law)
Superdelegate, schmuperdelegate. It’s all about the superdelegates. (FindLaw)
I don’t know what you’re talking about — billable hours rule. (The WSJ Law Blog)
Avvo is going to start rating lawyers in MA and FL. (Law.com)
Democrats can be crazy religious nuts too
Rob Sherman is an atheist who fights to keep Church and State separate. Last week he was appearing before the Illinois General Assembly, the state’s version of Congress, to discuss a $1 million grant the governor had given to a Church via a secular school. I don’t know enough about this grant business to have an opinion on it one way or the other. But I most certainly have an opinion on the crazy shit Democrat state Representative Monique Davis said:
This is the Land of Lincoln where people believe in God, where people believe in protecting their children…. What you have to spew and spread is extremely dangerous, it’s dangerous…. And it’s dangerous for our children to even know that your philosophy exists…. You believe in destroying what this state was built upon
That’s right. Representative Davis apparently thinks that the children will have their little religious minds blown just to even know that there are other folks who don’t believe in God. Is your own belief system so shaky, Ms. Davis, that you can’t accept any alternative beliefs (or lack thereof)? I mean — atheism is going to destroy Illinois? Really? Well, shit — I guess I better get over to Chicago for one last good deep dish before it all goes to pot.
The Drugs in Pennsylvania are Awesome!
How else can you explain this:
Witnesses driving on the West Shore Bypass, or Route 422, saw the driver of the minivan climb out the driver’s side window and onto the roof. The vehicle swerved and crashed into a concrete median.
The impact sent the vehicle back across the westbound lanes, and the man was thrown down a wooded embankment. Witnesses told police they thought the victim had been killed.
“They were shocked when he got back onto the road,” Brown said, adding that the man had a foot-long gash in one side and his internal organs were exposed.
But that’s not all!
After the man with exposed organs was thrown from his van, he stripped naked, then ran around in the freeway. Police who responded to the scene Tased him three times and used pepper-spray to subdue him. Not even that worked. Police had to gang tackle the poor bastard, who is now in critical condition at an area hospital in Reading, PA.
Grab that cash with both hand and make a stash
To the happy relief of reader Bill W., Hillary has finally released her tax returns. Between 2000 through 2006, along with their 2007 estimates, she and Bubba had a meager income of $109 million. The returns show that they’ve paid more in taxes than most of the super wealthy, which is good on them, I suppose (in 2005, folks making over ten million paid about 21% in tax, while the Clintons paid an average of 31%, plus they made almost 10% in charitable donations). The bulk of their income, unsurprisingly, came from Billy C, who pulled in thirty million in book income and a whopping fifty mil in speaking fees (he made 352 speeches in 2005, including two speeches in one day which got him almost half-a-million).
Unsurprisingly, folks are now pouring over the data with a fine-tooth comb, seeing what head lice falls out. So far, the focus seems to be on the $15 million Bill got from a Los Angeles investment firm, with folks wondering what Bill has done for the firm’s investors (which include the rule of Dubai) to get such a nice chunk of change. Hillary’s spokesman says Bill’s simply offered investment and funds advice. And some ABC News blogger is trying to make a stink over the fact that they’ve made loans to family members, although that seems like a whole lot of nothing to me. In any event, we can certainly expect more questions over the coming days, but so far, aside from the big size of the numbers, there doesn’t seem to be much of a story here, to my non-accounting trained mind.
La Pequeña Hillary Clinton
She’s got my vote.
Another Mother of the Year
Forty-two year old Ann Mendoza called the cops to her home at 10:30 in the morning because she couldn’t find her wallet. Which is, of course, totally a reason to call the cops. When they showed up, they found that Ms. Mendoza was pregnant. And drunk. About 8 beers drunk.
Worse yet, she has twin 2-year-old daughters who the cops said were only partially clothed and laying around amidst broken glass and feces. Needless to say, Mendoza was arrested for child endangerment.
Man Seeks Superfast Weight Gain
A California man who apparently didn’t get enough calories from a Whopper and fries at Burger King decided that he wanted a little something to wash down his food with: Cooking oil. Used. 300 gallons of it.
David Richardson, 49, was arrested Wednesday on suspicion of stealing grease after police said he siphoned it from a storage tank at a Morgan Hill Burger King.
A Burger King manager called police because he didn’t recognize the truck belonging to a man he saw siphoning the oil. When police stopped Richardson, his 5,000-gallon oil tank was half-full.
Police suspect the Illinois man, who worked for Restaurant Oils of America in Las Vegas, intended to recycle the oil at an Atascadero refinery for $1.35 a gallon. A full tank would have been worth $6,750.
“Our guess is it’s a biodiesel fuel thing. It’s like someone stealing copper wire,” said Morgan Hill police Cmdr. David Swing. “This might turn into something that starts to occur more frequently.”
Well, at least he’s an environmentally-friendly kook.
The Daily Memo - 4/4/08
A judge has thrown out one of the Borat lawsuits, rubbing the plaintiff’s face in it like a fat man sticking his naked fat junk all over some guy. (Above the Law)
Billy Clinton done be getting mad. (The Raw Story)
Hey, is that a guitar in your pants or are you just happy to steal from us? (FindLaw)
A judge has ordered a couple to paint their house a different color, racial discrimination be damned. (Law.com)
What would Jesus do? Not publicly reveal financial information about The Passion of the Christ. (LawInfo)
What, me arrogant? Yes, your honor, you arrogant. (Legal Antics)
Sorry kiddies - Arkansas fixed it statutory snafu, and babies can no longer get married. (FindLaw)
What’s Up with All the Public Masturbation
A University of Massachusetts football player is now facing charges of open and gross lewdness following an incident reported near Smith College last Tuesday.
Northampton police arrested Belchertown resident and UMass junior sociology major Spencer Sinclair Ridenhour, 22, after a female jogger reported seeing a man staring at her and masturbating from a parked car on Elm Street.
According to police, the woman claimed she approached the man because she thought he needed assistance, and that he exposed himself before driving away.
I gotta say, though, that the man is barking up the wrong sexual orientation if he’s hanging out at Smith College. Those women are fierce, too — he’s lucky she didn’t walk by and yank the motherfucker off.
All Hillary Hate All the Time
Wow! How many days did it take her to come up with that zinger? Don’t you love it when presidential candidates poke fun of themselves for not getting shot at.
(And no, Bill W., still no tax returns.)
Shave and a haircut … no beers!
Well that’s too bad. In Grand Rapids, Michigan, Jude’s Barbershops had been offering a free beer to folks who come in for a cut. But the state Attorney General has issued a ruling that the owner needs a liquor license if he wants to dole out the beer. Owner Thomas Martin says he was just using “an old-fashioned service that was done years ago.” But Martin seems to have taken this ruling in good spirit, saying that he’s glad the state finally gave him some “clarity on the issue” and that he’ll now try to work with the state to find a way to legalize the practice.
See, that’s why you always go with the double-stuff
Last fall, Justin Vonkummer was pulled over for speeding in the little Connecticut town of Salisbury (but the story only recently came to light after some court filing last week). Rather than trying to argue that he wasn’t speeding, Vonkummer busted out with an interesting excuse:
Police say Vonkummer told the trooper that an Oreo had just slipped from his fingers as he dunked it in a cup of milk, and that he was trying to fish it out when he lost control of his car.
The Secret Service Hates Obama
Check this out: Some loony Ebay nut hounds the hell out of Barack Obama, to the point that Obama finally relents. Dude: You best watch yourself. You don’t want to mess with a Muslim carrying around a bag of goat cheese.
The thing is, though: That guy couldn’t been a real nutcase carrying something other than a camera. What’s up with the security?
Meanwhile, Hillary’s lead over Obama in Pennsylvania is drying up faster than a Dunkin Donut at midnight.
What a Jerk (Off)!
I worked my way through college and the year between graduation and law school in two universities libraries, for a grand total of nearly five years — shelving, stamping, fining, and abusing private carrels for romantic purposes. You work in a university library, you run across a lot of nutcases, though they are mostly harmless, extremely pale Ph.D. students in 10-year programs researching something hideously obscure and uninteresting.
But you’d also be amazingly surprised at how often we encountered a major problem: Masturbating patrons. I kid you not. There must be something about college libraries that attracts skeevies, or else regular academics cooped up for so long in the library that they’ve lost all sense of real-world perspective. In Boston, it was just about a once-a-month problem — some guy would wonder in off the streets, pick up a newspaper, and pick a seat across the way from come co-eds and take care of his business while leering away.
Earlier this week, it happened at the Penn State library, only instead of some homeless guy in off the street or an academic type going stir crazy, it was a star basketball player of the Nittany Lions. Stanley Pringle “sat behind the victim in the stacks section of the library, attempted to start a conversation with the woman and began masturbating.” And it wasn’t even the first time: Last month, a man with a similar description entered a school building “behind the woman and followed her to the stairwell landing where he began to masturbate.”
Have people no shame? What possess a guy to follow a woman around while masturbating? How weird is that?
Well, at east he’s not fornicating with a picnic table.
And then there are days …
When I’d like to vote for Hillary Clinton just to spite all that ultraconservative assbag juice (the nectar of choice for the religious right). And today, after Rush Limbaugh made this statement, I’m ready to not only vote for Hillary, but split Rush Limbaugh’s head open with the ballot:
“You have to understand the mindset of a lot of these feminists and women…These women have paid their dues. They’ve been married two or three times; they’ve had two or three abortions; they’ve done everything that feminism asked them to do. They have cut men out of their lives; they have devoted themselves to causes and careers. And this — the candidacy of Hillary Clinton — is the culmination of all of these women’s efforts.”
Oh, really? Hasn’t Limbaugh been married three times? Why yes! Yes he has. And he’s a former drug addict. Hmmm … I guess, by his own logic, the eventual candidacy of Pete Doherty will be the culmination of all his efforts.
What a fucktard.
The Daily Memo - 4/3/08
Hee. Pole tax. (Above the Law)
Billy Richardson speaks out on his Barack endorsement and says his endorsement is out of loyalty to his country, so shut up Hillary people. (Washington Post)
Senator Debbie Stabenow’s (D-MI) husband has admitted to paying $150 for some hooker sex in a hotel and, considering what Spitzer paid for his lady friend, I’m guessing this gal wasn’t a looker. (FindLaw)
Some IP lawyers are pretty happy right now as a federal court has told the PTO to take its new patent rules and shove ‘em. (Law.com)
Ugh. A Western PA woman is being charged with endangering her kids because they got the lice. (LawInfo)
He’s nuts. Literally.
In Charleston, South Carolina, James Lynn Lacy was arrested for being publicly intoxicated. The man was stumbling around with slurred speech and admitted to the cops that he had been drinking beer and that he was “fucked up.” And then when the cops searched him, they found two bags of crack on him.
Only it wasn’t crack. It was “imitation crack” made up of cut-up peanuts.
I don’t even know what that means.
But I’m more confused by the fact that Lacy wasn’t only charged with public intoxication, but with the creation and possession of an imitation controlled substance. What?
We’re knights of the Round Table, we dance whene’er we’re able…
Police in Salem, Oregon were perplexed when they found a suit of armor at a bus shelter. (No doubt — I think most folks would be perplexed finding a suit of armor just about anywhere outside of a stodgy mansion or museum.) The local media picked up on the story because, well, it’s not everyday cops find full knight-wear laying around.
Turns out, the owner was a local lady who kept the armor on her front porch. It had been stolen and, apparently, wound up at the bus shelter.
First, who the hell keeps armor on their porch? Don’t you know that shit can rust?
And second, why would you go to the major effort of stealing armor just to leave it at a bus shelter? I’m so confused.
“When you want something, you gotta take it.”
I ran into some stories last night that I felt deserved more than a quick one-liner in The Daily Memo, but which I didn’t have the energy to do full write-ups on. So we’re going to do some quick hits.
First up, reader Louis R. asked if we were going to cover the Yoo Memo. Well here you go. For those folks unaware, John Yoo was the Deputy Assistant Attorney General in 2003, and he wrote a memo — that’s now been declassified — which argued that the pesky law don’t apply to military interrogators, so torture, torture away. As the MotherJones Blog puts it, this isn’t really a surprise, because it ain’t nothing we didn’t already know, right? The most interesting thing about may just be that we can now read the memo in full, and re-raise our righteous indignation. Slate, takes a look at what some of the bloggers are saying about the memo and, as Alex Joseph puts it, they’re “having a field day.”
Turning away from the torture — err, maybe not. Jesus Christ. From Above the Law I learned of the story about a gaggle of third-graders who — get this — decided to kidnap their teacher. They brought duct tape, handcuffs and a broken knife, among other things, to school. They and even gave other kids chores related to the plan, like clean-up duties. All because she scolded a kid for standing on a chair. What the hell? …John Yoo would love these kids!
Meanwhile, Obama has taken to doing some pandering in the hunt for Pennsylvania votes, but he certainly knows how to pull on my fucking heart strings. In an interview with a Philly sports radio station (WIP, naturally), he talked about hoops and said that he’d love to be a pro ball player of the Dr. J ilk. First of all, Dr. J’s the bomb, so good on you Obama. Second of all, a partner at my firm played college hoops with Barack/Barry for a few years, and while I understand that he had some game, he weren’t no Dr. J. And thirdly, here’s Deadspin’s amusing wrap-up on the story: “Hopefully, he doesn’t plan on emulating the Doc’s off-court behavior, which entailed stealthily impregnating female sports reports.” Hee. (And speaking of Obama, The Raw Story is reporting that Barack said he’d consider giving Gore a cabinet position if he wins, and if the global warmer is interested.)
And lastly, in another attempt to pull on the Philly heartstrings, Hillary has apparently been trying to compare herself to Rocky (and Barack called her on it). Hillary. Honey. I don’t love you, but I like you well enough. You’re not a bad person. But I know South Philly. I love me some Rocky. And Hillary, you’re no Rocky. So cut it out. If you gotta be a Sly Stallone movie character, go with Over the Top’s Lincoln Hawk. I bet you could do some mean arm wrestling! Plus, that quote at the top could just as easily come outta your mouth as it came out of Hawk’s.
Great way to get out of a speeding ticket
South Australian Kathryn Fluin is a genius. When her car was busted for speeding last December, she told the cops it wasn’t her driving the car. She then gave a declaration saying it was David Smart, a British chap living half-a-world away. Apparently, she just picked his name out of the phone book, because he’s never heard of her, and never even been to Australia:
Mr Smart was fined $196 for driving 8km/hr over the speed limit in the Adelaide Hills, despite the fact he has never been to Australia.
Adding to the mystery are claims by the police that the woman who owned the car allegedly involved signed a statutory declaration claiming Mr Smart had been behind the wheel.
“I’ve never been to Australia, which is a wonderful country I’m sure, and I would love to go there one day,” Mr Smart said from his home in Scunthorpe.
“And I’ve never had a ticket in my life, I’m pleased to say.
“The woman is obviously mistaken and where she got my name and address from I have no idea.”
After consulting with local police in his home town of Scunthorpe, Mr Smart was advised not to pay the fine, which originally arrived in his letterbox last December.
However since then he has received a stern reminder from South Australian police, ordering him to pay up or risk being issued an even heftier fine.
And Mr. Smart has learned a valuable lesson from all this: “I think if I get caught for speeding I’ll have to give them Kathryn Fluin’s name.”
This Man is Running for President?
Libertarian Mike Gravel: I think I love you. You’ve just turned the YouTube generation on its head, socked them in the nose, and kicked them in the teeth. You are my *hero*, you crazy goddamn bastard.
Now, go sell some baskets to elderly people, ya fucking kook.
(The video won’t make much sense until the :30 second mark, then your eyeballs are gonna bleed!)
Lou Dobbs Nearly Flushes Career
If there’s one news anchor that I absolutely cannot abide by, it’s fucking Lou Dobbs. the gas-baggiest windbag on cable news this side of Bill O’Reilly (who is at least a little more open about his political leanings). Dobbs has disgracefully created a second career for himself out of the immigration issue, basically advocating the rounding-up and torching of immigrants.
Anyway, the video above features Lou Dobbs halting mid-statement before he fully utters “cotton pickin’”. Now, if he were discussing anything else — say Wall Street — using the term would probably go unnoticed. It’s a fairly innocuous expression, and until I saw this video, the obvious never occurred to me, namely that it’s a expression with slavery origins. Which is why, in the context of a discussion about race, Dobbs catches himself here (at the 1:25 mark) after “cotton …” and then a light flicks on in his head, and you can almost see what’s churning through his mind: “Nappy-headed hos, Don Imus, the end of his career” and he miraculously saves himself.
Either that, or he just highlighted his near-gaffe, where it otherwise may not have been noticed. Or would it have? I dunno. I have to say: It’s kind of tough being a assbag news anchor who goes off the teleprompter … and I actually commend the guy for catching himself because, in that half second, he realizes it could be construed as a racist statement in this context and he not-so-smoothly pulls out of the tailspin.
Keep Tasin’ Me, Bro!
A guy goes crazy, right? He loses his marbles and starts violently shaking his roommates. His roommates call the police. The police show up, and find the man sitting on a couch smoking a cigarette.
Then things started to get weird.
First, the police asked him to get up. The man refused. So, the police pepper sprayed him. But, he continued to sit on the couch and smoke a cigarette.
Finally, the police threatened to Taser him. No dice. So, after the police shocked him three times, they were finally able to strap him to a backboard and carry him out of the house — he struggled all the way to the police station, where he was charged with resisting arrest.
As one officer said, “It’s almost amazing that the man was able to continue smoking a cigarette after being doused with pepper spray and Tazed numerous times.”
That’s the power of nicotine, folks. And I love a man who is completely committed to an addiction.
The Daily Memo - 4/2/08
T-Mobile to Engadget Mobile: “Leave our magenta alone!” (Engadget)
The Northern District of Georgia, which has banned the wonderful Jonathan Lee Riches from filing any more lawsuits down there, is dead to me. Dead! (Above the Law)
Obama has his own cheese? Barick Obama. What the fuck man — where’s the Hilla-brie? (Concurring Opinions)
If a man escapes from jail and nobody notices for a day, does he make a sound? (FindLaw)
I understand why Woody Allen is suing American Apparel over billboards using his image from Annie Hall. What I don’t understand is why anyone would put Woody on their billboard in the first place. (Law.com)
Wanna learn what the subprime shit is all about? “The Subprime Primer” has some stick figures coming to the rescue. (Google Docs)
The Blawg Review is getting all fancy now, with a special April Fool’s edition Appendix. (a fool in the forest)
Why can’t people get politely and peacefully divorced anymore?
A long-running messy divorce has led to a woman hanging out in the clink because she’s stashed her money in an offshore account and the trustee of that account won’t pay the court any money (although he gives the lady cash to take fancy trips and buy new cars):
The convoluted case began before the couple divorced in 2001. Fearing his wife would flee with their son and daughter, Leland Morris asked Fisher to craft a fail-safe for him. In exchange for allowing him to be primary custodian for the children, he agreed to give her a $1.5 million bonus on top of the divorce settlement.
But there was a catch: If she contested any part of the postnuptial agreement, she would have to repay the bonus.
Two years later, she accused Leland of violating the agreement and asked that it be modified to accommodate her lifestyle.
Circuit Judge Jeffrey Colbath ruled that her complaints constituted a challenge of the agreement. He ordered her to repay the $1.5 million and cover the $300,000 her ex-husband had accumulated in attorney fees.
When she refused to pay, Colbath held her in contempt.
Meanwhile, in an attempt to collect the money, Fisher filed a lawsuit to force her to sell her home to pay part of the money. After the suit was filed, Fisher said she borrowed about $450,000 against the house.
Circuit Judge Jonathan Gerber ordered her to return the money. When she didn’t, he held her in criminal contempt. When she refused to appear in court to explain why she was disobeying his order, he slapped her with two additional criminal contempt charges and issued warrants for her arrest.
She avoided arrest by going underground, refusing to divulge where she was living. Then, in a surprise move in January, she appeared at the county jail, saying she wanted to turn herself in.
“She didn’t want her kids to feel she had abandoned them,” Wasserman said.
Gerber sentenced her to 120 days in jail for not obeying his order to return the money she borrowed against the house. In April, he is to consider what punishment, if any, she will receive for not appearing in court.
Circuit Judge Amy Smith, who inherited the divorce case from Colbath, is to decide what punishment Morris will receive for not repaying the $1.8 million.
Until she pays, it is likely she will remain in jail.
You’re Going to See It On Every Site in America Today
… you may as well see it on ours, too.
Yeah, Hillary is f*cking Obama. What’s it to you?
Nothing says classy vintage like “plastic bladder in a box”
So I’m not all that interested in this story, about some 42-year-old drunk who the cops were called to deal with after he got so sauced on a 3-liter box of wine that he passed out in a hallway. Nothing particularly interesting about it.
Rather, I’m intrigued by the Kitsap Sun headline:
Warning: Consuming Entire Box of Wine Not Recommended
Shouldn’t it be more like:
Consuming Even a Drop from Box of Wine Not Recommended
Jeez — go any faster and the flux capacitor’s going to kick in
David F. Vanhousin, a 33-year-old Tennessee man, wrecked himself on some crack and decided it would be a good idea to start cruising around in his Chevy Suburban. Vanhousin wound up getting into an accident in the middle of an intersection and sped off. A driver spotted the Suburban and called in a possible drunk driver, which resulted in a high speed chase.
The cops put up spike strips, but that didn’t stop Vanhousin and his blazing fast Suburban.
No sir. What stopped Vanhousin is when a cop walked up to the car and pulled the keys from the ignition.
So yeah, Vanhousin was so van-housed that he didn’t know he was even being chased, and it wasn’t so much a “high speed chase” as it was Vanhousing going only about 5 miles per hour. When he randomly stopped his car for a second time during this chase, Sgt. David Prather lept into action, and got Vanhousin’s keys. Brilliant.
What Could This Possibly Mean?
Art Price, Jr., 40, was arrested March 20 after officials at a school near his home complained that he was engaging in lewd behavior with a picnic table on the deck - and submitted video evidence.
Why would you fornicate with a picnic table? What about the splinters? Or, maybe, the splinters are the point? Hmmm.
When Nora Met Hillary
In a weird turn in the campaign, Hillary Clinton has reached a new low, as she’s now inappropriately pulled out the gender card, saying in comments leaked to The New York Times that she “told aides that she would not be ‘bullied out’ of the White House race and in a conversation with two allies compared her plight to ‘big boys’ trying to bully a woman.”
Well, Hillary, how about this: Nora Ephron — noted female and the screenwriter for the classically dumb, When Harry Met Sally, You’ve Got Mail and Bewitched — has also asked that Hillary get out of the race. Why? Because Nora can’t stop thinking about her:
But the point is that it doesn’t matter why Hillary lied; what matters is that I’m hooked on Hillary and on the Rorschach process that defines my relationship with her: she does something, I spend far too much time thinking about it, I superimpose my life and my choices onto hers, I decide how I feel about what she’s done, I bore friends witless with my theories, and then, instead of moving on, I’m confronted with yet another episode of her behavior and am forced to devote more hours to developing new theories about her behavior. I don’t have time for this.
And that folks is why Hillary Clinton should drop out of the race, because Nora Ephron appears to have a monster crush on her.
Leave The Girl Alone
Am I the only one that gets frightfully squeamish when Chelsea is asked about the Lewinsky scandal? She handles herself extremely well (and the woman is 47 times more likable than her mother), but I still can’t bring myself to watch straight on — I click play and walk away from my desk, thinking it’ll be less painful from across the room.
I know the girl is nearly 30 and can handle herself, but man: What kind of douchebags ask these questions?
The Daily Memo - 4/1/08
Happy April Fool’s Day. We ain’t got nothing prankical for you here at QuizLaw because — well, because the real news mostly feels like a big prank these days anyways….
Poison drummer Rikki Rockett apparently takes the phrase “don’t need nuthin but a good time” far too seriously. (E! News)
“The case against Delaware.” Uhm … you ever been to Delaware? Trust me, the case against it is open and shut. (Concurring Opinions)
Those parents who let their 15-month-old daughter die because God hates medicine have been charged with manslaughter and criminal mistreatment. (FindLaw)
More real men of law school … “today we salute you, guy who takes intramural sports too seriously.” (Legal Antics)
Tone Loc is planning free shows for two bars that were scammed by a man posing as Tone’s manager. …So wait, why is he punishing them more? (FindLaw)
“What’s up with the Bar/Bri litigation?” (Above the Law)
The Scalia would like the media to read the laws the Supremes rule on before taking the Supremes to task. Now why the hell should we have to read stuff? (WSJ Law Blog)
So yeah, it turns out the courts don’t really like it when jurors get high in the courthouse. (High Times)
But God is above the law!
In Australia, a court has issued an arrest warrant for God. Well actually, for Richard James Howarth, who claims that he’s God. Howarth is facing some drunk driving charges, but claims that he’s God and doesn’t need to show up to court because God is above those pesky man-made laws.
The court doesn’t quite buy it, so when Howarth skipped a hearing, the arrest warrant was issued.
The article doesn’t explain how it’s even possible to test God’s blood-alcohol level, but I guess the advancements of science can work hand-in-hand with faith.
Are pregnant women disabled?
According to a piece of proposed California legislation, kinda. The bill would give women in their last three months of pregnancy (plus the first two post-birth months) the ability to park in disabled parking spaces and to park at meters without paying. Assemblyman Chuck DeVore says that folks just need to be reasonable: “There are challenges, physical challenges, that arise as a natural part of life.”
Makes sense to me. But not to folks who opposed similar legislation four years ago, not just because it would make it harder for other disabled folks to find parking, but because pregnant women should be exercising as much as possible. A spokeswoman for the California chapter of the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists says: “We really want pregnant women to be active, to be moving, to be walking.” Plus, she says, if pregnant women truly need a disable parking placard, they can already get it.
That also makes sense to me. So does the worry of the executive director of the local chapter of the National Organization for Women, who thinks labeling pregnant women as disabled could send the wrong message.
All of which is why, I gather, the last bill died four years ago. And I suspect this one will share a similar fate.
“I’ll be off eating some deep dish while I wait”
Ruben Zarete is a Florida-level criminal mastermind. The Chicago man tried to rob a muffler shop recently, brandishing a gun and demanding money. The employees didn’t give him any money and, instead, told him they’d have to wait for the manager who knew how to open the safe. Rather than wait in the shop, however, Zarete told the store employees to call him on his cell when the manager got there.
Zarete left and, wouldn’t you know, the muffler shop folks called the cops. Once some plain clothes officers were in place, Zarete was called and told the manager was there. And Zarete came back to the muffler shop, gun still in-hand.
He was promptly shot in the leg and, following surgery, was charged with some attempted armed robbery and aggravated assault.