« March 2008 | Main | May 2008 »
Monthly Archives: April 2008
If You Can Watch This Clip Without Falling In Love with Obama, You’re a Goddamn Communist
(H/T Andrew Sullivan via ASWOBA)
What? I Just Won the Lottery. And the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes …
…and got a really big tax refund. And it’s Friday night. And I just got paid … come on! It’s totally legit. I swear:
An aspiring record label owner is singing the blues after he was arrested last week for allegedly trying to pass a $360 billion check at a Fort Worth bank.
Employees at the Chase Bank at 8601 S. Hulen St. grew suspicious after seeing all those zeroes (10 to be exact) and called the check’s owner. The woman said the suspect, Charles Ray Fuller, 21, of Crowley, is her daughter’s boyfriend and that he did not have permission to take the check or cash it.
Just cash it. Pleeeease! I swear I’m good for it. No no … it won’t bounce. I swear. Oh, OK: Just give me $1 billion to tide me over a few days, k? I’ll get the rest later.
I’m All Lost in the Supermarket / I Can No Longer Shop Happily
Remember a couple of weeks ago when we reported that Florida had passed a law making it legal to take guns to work? Well, now we can see that law in action:
A West Palm Beach man pulled out a gun in an argument with two supermarket managers, who then whipped out their own guns, police said Tuesday.
Police said the problem started when store manager Marino Hernandez shouted at Grant that he was walking into the store through the wrong doors. The men got into an argument, and when Hernandez told Grant he should take his business elsewhere, Grant pulled out a revolver, police said. An assistant manager, Roberto Espinal pulled out his gun and pointed it at Grant, police said.As Grant backed out of the store, Hernandez also pulled a gun, police said.
Grant fired three shots into the store, which had several customers inside, according to authorities. Hernandez yelled at Grant to drop the gun. Instead, Grant got behind a car and pointed his gun. He shot again, this time at Hernandez, police said. Hernandez did not return fire, police said.
The two managers got on either side of Grant and told him to drop the gun because police were on their way. He did.
Well, look at that! Florida’s Bring Your Gun to Work Law effectively prevented a murder! And it only took a shootout in a grocery store to prevent it!
The Daily Memo - 4/30/08
Spitzer’s whore is suing Joe Francis, the “Girls Gone Wild” assbag. (WSJ Law Blog)
LA’s metro (yes, we’ve actually got a metro here, shitty though it is) is being sued by some South LA folk. (Curbed LA)
The record labels are going after another online music provider, this time taking on Project Playlist. (Reuters)
Is the hottest new trend law professors suing law students? (Above the Law)
Obama has cut off the Reverend Jeremiah Wright and his rantings and ravings. (Slate)
…And at least one guy respects the shit out of Obama’s decision. (Andrew Sullivan)
The Scalia is working the media to pimp his new book. (Law.com)
…And it sounds like it might be pretty decent. (WSJ Law Blog)
Man, that’s way better than the entertainment my friends offer at their weddings
From Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania comes the story of a newlywed couple who spent the night they renewed their vows in jail, with the bride still in her gown, after fighting with each other and then guests from another wedding:
The fight started Saturday night after a reception when he knocked her to the floor with a karate kick in the seventh-floor hallway of a Holiday Inn, according to police. It escalated when she attacked two guests from another wedding party who came to her aid, police said.
The melee moved to an elevator and then to the lobby, where the couple threw metal planters at the two guests of the other party, causing minor injuries, police charged.
“It was pretty wild,” Ross police Sgt. Dave Syska said.
Dentist David W. Wielechowski, 32, of Shaler, and Christa Vattimo, 25, had married a month earlier in the Bahamas but repeated their vows Saturday at a reception for 150 guests. They were checking into their room when the argument began, police said.
Police arrived to find the dentist lying on the lobby floor and his bride screaming, they said.
(Hat tip to reader Charles F., whose favorite part was the description of the groom leaving jail the next morning: “Wielechowski left alone, sporting a swollen eye, tuxedo pants, a bloody T-shirt and one shoe.” Yeah, that is pretty great.)
I need a dude like this in my neighborhood
A Miami man was recently arrested for grand theft. Dextan Thomas Hodge drives a fuel tanker, and he decided to take advantage of the ever-increasing gas prices by selling off some of the gas on his truck, for as low as $2 a gallon. He did this eight times before being busted, filling 5-gallon tanks as well as vehicles themselves. One guy says he’s been getting $2 gas from Hodge for months, and the cops suspect that he stole about 300 gallons in total.
Seriously, it cost me $60 to fill my tank the last time I was at the pump. I would gladly give this modern day Robin Hood $2 — even $3 — per gallon, to keep the money out of the gas companies’ evil little mitts.
Agree or disagree with the Scalia…
…how can you not love the tough little guy with the “street fighter personality?” From Sunday’s “60 Minutes” comes the following two-part piece:
Hmmm … maybe I need to give this religion thing another try
A 30-year-old gal in Florida recently had an encounter with the police, who showed up because she was hanging around in the middle of an intersection. Trying to direct traffic. Topless.
The cops say that when they found her, she was “foaming at the mouth and talking to herself.” When they asked her what was going on, she said God had told her to go direct traffic (and, one must assume, to do so topless). She was, unsurprisingly, taken in for a mental examination.
But any God who is ordering women around to do things topless, well, that’s my kinda God.
Everybody Must Get Drunk
Vaune Dillmann is just trying to sell some beer, man. And the Northern California man is proud of the fact that he brews the beer in the little town of Weed, California. So he thought he’d have a little fun, and printed up his beer bottle caps to say “try legal weed.” Joke’s on him, however, says the state Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau. As far as they’re concerned, this might mislead folks about the beer.
So, what, they think the consuming public is one giant idiot? (Probably true, but that’s for another day.)
Meanwhile, the town of Weed still has a sign on the road out which says “Temporarily Out of Weed,” and another sign that reads “100 Percent Pure Weed.” While the Bureau is considering Dillmann’s appeal, I don’t imagine they’ll find this persuasive evidence that they should change their no-fun-loving ways.
Who Knew Waterboarding Was So Cool?
… oh wait. Nevermind. It looked so refreshing at first! All that pretty water! And then it got all suffocatey, and well … it just stopped looking like very much fun, I guess. I think I’ll pass. Thanks, Amnesty International!
Newly Discovered Fetish: Chair Sniffing
Now, this is just strange: An Australian politician, during a press conference, broke down into tears as he admitted that he’d sniffed the chair of a female colleague.
With tears in his eyes, Mr Buswell had to compose himself before telling the media in Mandurah this morning that his behaviour had been unacceptable. Mr Buswell said he had repeatedly refused to deny the allegations because he wanted to protect the woman involved. But he broke down after he was asked about the effect of the reports on his wife and children.
With tears in his eyes, Mr Buswell said he needed a short break, turned his back and then asked his press secretary to bring him a glass of water. Mr Buswell said his wife was aware of the allegations before they were exclusively revealed in The Sunday Times at the weekend. He said it had been a difficult time for him “on a personal level”.
“These are difficult issues for me to deal with and they are very difficult issues for my family to deal with,” he said.
I will grant that smelling a woman’s chair is … odd. But, really: Is all of this drama necessary? Weeping? Hiding it from your family? You gotta do a lot worse in America before all those histrionics are necessary. I wonder if he’ll go to chair-sniffing rehab?
What the hell is happening?
According to the latest Associated Press survey, apparently Hillary Clinton has a nine point lead over John McCain in a head to head matchup, while Barack and McCain run about even.
Helped by independents, young people and seniors, Clinton gained ground this month in a hypothetical match with Sen. McCain, the GOP nominee-in-waiting. She now leads McCain, 50 percent to 41 percent, while Obama remains virtually tied with McCain, 46 percent to 44 percent.
What’s going on? Can someone tell me where this inexplicable Hillary surge came from? Didn’t she just lie about getting shot at in Bosnia? Isn’t Bill alienating African-Americans?
Has Hillary started saying something new — or is this all Jeremiah Wright and bittergate? Or is Hillary’s anti-elitism rhetoric starting to work? God. Damnit! That Rovian bullshit that Bush pulled on Kerry? It’s working again?
Well, that’s frustrating. I thought, by now, we’d got over the notion that we wanted a president we could have a beer with, because it’s that president who fumbles drunkenly through eight years of service. Motherfuckery.
The Daily Memo - 4/29/08
Seems that the British don’t like it when their cops go to investigate a brothel and take things a step further by banging the hookers. (Yahoo News!)
Uma … stalker. Stalker … Uma. (Defamer)
The Supremes upheld the requirement of showing photo IDs to vote. (LawInfo)
Judge Marilyn Rosenbaum doesn’t need any sexual experts, thank you very kindly. (Above the Law)
This lady, fighting back against the RIAA and its anti-piracy lawsuits, is awesome. (Businessweek via Gizmodo)
Judge to White House, regarding e-mails: “Seriously, stop fucking around.” (Computer World)
Congress is considering new legislation to address the copyright problem of orphaned works. (ars technica)
Irony, thy name is Idaho state senator John Goedde. (the unequivocal notion)
A former city commissioner from Daytona Beach say that when he was busted in a sex sting, he wasn’t hanging out in the bathroom looking for male nookie — he was just playing a video game. (WFTV)
Til death do us part, notwithstanding the occurance of following five conditions…
(From Saturday’s Non Sequitur.)
Those Japanese monsters are getting mighty sophisticated
Godzilla is apparently bored with all the building smashing and people stomping, so he’s found a new way to wreak havoc and destruction — in the courtroom. Seems that Subway is being sued for trademark and copyright infringement by Toho Co. (who owns Godzilla, Mothra, etc.) over its use of the mega-monster’s image in commercials for its “Five Dollar Footlong” campaign.
When asked for comment, Godzilla had this to say:
Well look, I don’t mind that they’re using my likeness without permission. I’m a monster — it happens. But what I do mind is the negative implication of this whole “footlong” business. I’ve got way more than a one-footer, if you know what I’m saying. Ask Megalon, he’ll tell you — he couldn’t shit right for a week. I’m talking half the length of a football field, son.
(Hat tip to reader Stephanie.)
I survived a trip to Florida and all you got was this lousy post
Yesterday afternoon I got back from a weekend vacation in Miami. It was actually quite relaxing and refreshing, even though I couldn’t help but sleep with one eye open, knowing the level of unfathomable crazy which that state rises too on a shockingly consistent basis. Anyway, here are two quick examples from this weekend as to why we, much like Fark and Keith Olbermann before us, love Florida so much.
First, my buddy was checking the local news on Saturday when he announced, “well here’s typical Florida for you.” Top story at the moment was about a seven-year-old boy being charged with grand theft auto for taking his grandmother’s SUV for a an eight minute ride through a Palm Bean neighborhood:
Police say he literally drove until a wheel fell off. The right front wheel, to be exact, which broke off after the boy hit a sign.
The kid probably won’t be charged with anything, which I’m ok with. But maybe the granny should be charged for, you know, taking such wonderful care of the kid that he was able to skate off with her SUV? …Nah, that’s crazy talk.
My second story is non-law related, but just too wonderful to pass sharing. This story was told to me by my friends about a friend of theirs who, for the sake of this story, we shall call Heifer. So Heifer is a big girl. Some might say fat. And she decided to do something about it. Not exercise or diet, of course, but the ol’ gastric bypass surgery. So she goes to her doctor who tells Heifer that although she is indeed a large gal, she’s not quite heavy enough to fall into the category of being a gastric bypass candidate. Great news — you’re not morbidly obese! But of course, that’s not the way Heifer sees it and, I shit you not, she is now working to gain 30-odd pounds so that she can be eligible for the gastric bypass surgery. And this story, right here, succinctly sums up, in my mind, why Florida rules.
(And then there’s this amazing story, sent in by reader Amy M.)
Your Love Keeps Lifting Me Higher
McNulty and Bunk Live On … In Spirit
Even if you can no longer get your “The Wire” fix, police officers in Mississippi pull a stunt that would make Jimmy McNulty proud:
A mentally disabled man who was given a fake lie detector test is still waiting for a settlement after six years. Pearl police admitted that officers put a lampshade on Huey Granger’s head in June 2002. Granger had filed a police report claiming that his daughter was attacked by her boyfriend in their Pearl home. While at the police station, officers Keith Peterson and Jeff Thames gave him a “fake lie detector test.”
Granger is adamant that two former Pearl police officers should pay for his pain and humiliation. He is asking for $2 million in a civil lawsuit against the two men.
“He hit me in the back of my head and messed my neck up pretty bad and put a lampshade on my head with electric wires hooked to it and was trying to shoot electricity to me and get me to change my story to what happened to my daughter,” Granger said.
Phone Rape?
A Tunisian family alleges their daughter was raped during a telephone conversation with a man, a lawyer for the family said.
The 30-year-old man said he never touched the young woman. But he acknowledged he heard her scream while they were “totally into” an erotic telephone conversation — and that she reported bleeding, Al Arabiya reported.
Maha al-Metebaa, a lawyer representing the family, told the Kuwaiti newspaper Al-Qabs the case needs careful investigation because of its unprecedented allegations. He said a medical examination had determined that the woman, 20, was no longer a virgin.
“The intercourse did take place with all its details but verbally only,” he said. “The sexual act did not really happen because the physical proximity factor is not there, yet it happened because there is a direct physical impact – the loss of virginity.”
Big Mouth, Little Tongue
And this week’s Gene Simmons’ Award goes to …
When the deputy turned his lights on the car, he saw a man urinating. The deputy approached the man, who said he had to go to the bathroom because he’d just drank a bunch of beers, according to the report.
The man told the deputy the reason he was slurring his speech was because “his dentist advised him his mouth was too big for his tongue,” according to the report. The man registered a. 089 on a portable alcohol breath test and was arrested on suspicion of drinking under age.
The Daily Memo - 4/28/08
Of Neil Gaiman, Harry Potter and transformative works. (Wise Old Sage)
A soldier is suing the Army, claiming that he was threatened and berated for being an atheist. (NY Times)
“Will the FDA recall LASIK?” (LawInfo)
The parents of two boys may end up in court against each other, as their fight over a Beckham jersey escalates. (The Honolulu Advertiser)
The Cos has got a judge teaming up with him in his criticisms on young American blacks. (Law.com)
The Little League is finding some pushback in a case where it’s trying to quash the use of its “LITTLE LEAGUE” trademark. (The Trademark Blog)
Lessons in getting out of jury duty
Here in the U.S., we have few civic obligations. Try not to break the law. Pay your taxes. Help throw your peers in jail. But that last one, man, people just don’t like to do it. I’ve heard of all sorts of ways people try to get out of jury duty, but it usually backfires. But John Peter Shevetz, he figured the trick out.
Show up to court blitzed out of your head!
The irony, of course, is that Shevetz was so drunk he wasn’t even in the courtroom when it was announced that the defendant had pleaded out his case. Instead, Shevetz was found drunkenly hanging out in the judge’s chambers. Which got him promptly arrested and charged with public intoxication. So now he gets a jury all his own!
For a good time, don’t call the Louisiana Senate
Earlier this month, the Louisiana Senate voted against a proposal to name Sazerac the official state cocktail. The Sazerac is a New Orleans drink made from whiskey, sugar, bitters and absinthe. State senator Ed Murray thought it would be a fine honor. But others in the senate thought it was entirely improper to give a state honor to any drink, let alone the Sazerac. Asked senator Buddy Shaw: “Is there a possibility that we could be encouraging folks, who were not intending to drink, that it would be acceptable and they could become an alcoholic?”
Come on!
But you gotta love Ed Murray’s detailed and in-depth retort: “No.”
Insert Chicken and Waffles Pun Here
I don’t know about you Yankees, but down South, Chick-Fil-A is considered hallowed ground, which is why they take the Sabbath off. Waffle House, on the other hand, well … not so much.
Which is why this story jumped out at me. Seth Cathy, the founder’s grandson and heir to the Empire that Dwarf Houses and Eerily Intelligent Cows built, was arrested and underwent a medical evaluation after barricading himself inside a WH bathroom.
Atlanta police say Seth Cathy, 20, entered the restroom at the Waffle House on Northside Drive on Monday, barricaded himself inside, then proceeded to wreck the bathroom.
When police arrived, Cathy could be heard inside the bathroom, causing damage to the walls and fixtures. He also flooded the room.
After getting the door open, police found Cathy inside, nude, and holding a metal toilet paper dispenser.
Of course he was naked. Because barricading yourself in a bathroom is one thing. But to do it inside a Waffle House bathroom? That takes crazy of a whole other caliber.
When a dude’s hungry for some tacos, he’s hungry for some tacos
Shane Roe went into a Taco Johns in the local mall with a replica Glock, and tried to rob the joint. He pointed the gun at the clerk and asked for free food. The clerk said no. So Roe asked for money from the register. The clerk said no.
But damn it, Roe wanted some tacos! So he placed an order and paid for it, got his food, and sat down to eat. When he left Taco Johns, the cops were naturally called, and Roe was found hanging out outside of the mall, where he was promptly arrested. But it wasn’t his fault he hadn’t left — those tacos just made him so sleeeepy.
That’s what I said
If Thriller didn’t get you where you need to be on a Friday afternoon, maybe this’ll get the job done:
It’s close to midnight…
Apropos of nothing, Ben Gibbard (Death Cab for Cutie) goes retro.
Athiests: 1; Christians: 0
Faith in the Lord doesn’t always pay off:
An 82-year-old Alzheimer’s patient died after her caretaker went on a liquor run, according to police. Vicky Simpson, 52, has been charged with elderly abuse following the death of Vivian Howell over the weekend. Simpson left the elderly woman alone while she went to a liquor store, according to the arrest warrant. Investigators said Simpson brought the alcohol back to Howell’s house and started drinking.
The warrant states “As a result of the accused negligent actions the victim was later discovered in bed with injuries that required hospitalization and ultimately resulted in her death.” Simpson has a lengthy criminal record, and served time in jail in 2003 for beating her mother, but Howell’s family failed to run a background check on Simpson.
“She came across as a very loving and caring person,” said Howell’s daughter Charlotte Gilham. “Us being Christians we had no reason to question that.”
On the bright side, Vivian Howell ascends straight to Heaven; Vicky Simpson spends 15 in the clink before being unceremoniously dumped into the eternal fires of damnation, which doesn’t have a liquor store.
Potty Mouthed and Honest? He’s Got My Vote.
A San Diego mayoral candidate, Jerry Sanders, corrected the record yesterday, telling a reporter that he had not, in fact, said “Fuck you, Francis,” after a mayoral forum. Actually, he’d called his opponent by his first name, refusing to shake hands and saying, “Fuck you, Steve.”
“I am really tired of people thinking we should be buddies,” Sanders said. “People expect us to just shake hands and be buddies. I’m not going to do that. That’s the height of hypocrisy.”
In an interview immediately following the conclusion of Sunday’s forum, Francis repeatedly told this reporter that he couldn’t believe the mayor wouldn’t shake his hand. He made no mention of swear words, saying only, “I’m still shocked that he wouldn’t shake my hand.”
Soon after, Sanders would not address the handshake issue, saying only, “I’m not going to talk about that.”
Wednesday, Sanders did talk about it.
“If that offends him, then his skin is pretty thin, especially when that’s in the privacy of two individuals with nobody else standing around,” Sanders said. “We’re talking big boy stuff. We’re not talking about elementary school.”
Sanders then continued, “Oh, and that bastard is a cocksucker, too.”
E-Bay Fertile Ground for Dumbasses
Steve Shellhorn, who purchased some coins on E-Bay that were not packed particularly well was sued by the seller for $10,000 after Shellhorn left neutral feedback.
“This is neutral feedback, not even negative feedback, but neutral. He sued me for $10,000,” he said.
We took the lawsuit to University of Washington law professor Jane Winn. “I thought that seller was a few cards short of a deck,” she said.
The judge in Buncome County, North Carolina might not agree with that assessment, but he recently tossed out the suit.
It cost Shellhorn $500 to hire an attorney.
But you know who comes out a winner in all this, don’t you. The lawyers, of course!
The Daily Memo - 4/25/08
The 7th Circuit says a Chicago student can wear his anti-gay T-shirt at school, because assholes still have free speech rights too. (Chicago Tribune)
Jesus — a science teacher has been accused of burning crosses into his students’ arms. (Columbus Dispatch)
Wesley Snipes got 3 years in the clink for his tax shenanigans. (Law.com)
Oh, W, we’re going to miss you when you’re gone. (Legal Antics)
The Scalia, he’s a law and order kinda guy. (WSJ Law Blog)
“Bottom of the nation” indeed
Seems this was a submission to Florida’s state song contest. I don’t understand why he didn’t win.
(Hat tip to reader Annelise.)
Lessons in what not to do
Lesson #1 — Don’t make illegal left turns. If you do, you may get pulled over.
Lesson #2 — Don’t make illegal left turns when you have a suspended driver’s license. If you do, you may get pulled over and then arrested.
Lesson #3 — Don’t make illegal left turns when you have a suspended driver’s license and then decide to pay your bail with a counterfeit $50 bill. If you do, you can add a felony charge of possessing a forged instrument to your rap sheet.
Note to self…
Yes, it’s ok to send an e-mail to the Governator complaining about the state’s lack of enforcement of the Compassionate Use Act (the state’s voter initiative which made medical marijuana ok). But it’s not ok to call him a Nazi and threaten to harm him. Because that’s going to get the CHiPs on you. And if the CHiPs get a search warrant, they’ll check out your computer. And then they might find all the child porn on your computer. And then you’ll get five years in the clink, where you won’t be able to get the medical weed.
You don’t need grow lights and fancy hydroponics to get some cush stupidity
Hi officer. Yes sir, I sure did call you guys. That cat next door won’t shut the fuck up. It’s an annoying mongrel and I’d like you to do something.
Whassat? Nah, I don’t smell nothing. …Coming from inside my house? Nah, you’re imaging things.
…Uhm, no sir, those 84 marijuana plants aren’t mine. That’s craziness. Just go get rid of that cat, would you? It’s harshing my mellow.
Thursday’s in C*nt Punditry
This handy-dandy guide was assembled by the estimable excremental Michelle Malkin:
If You’re Visiting Congo, Wear a Belt. With a Padlock.
File under Weird-Ass News stories:
Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men’s penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.
Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur.
Rumors of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo’s sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.
Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure.
Note to self: Stay out of West Africa.
Slow News Day
Sultry beauty! Ha! God, I love The Globe. Also, “Anna Nicole killed her son.” Well, of course she did!
The Enquirer’s headline isn’t nearly so intriguing, but I do love that the tabloids are getting into politics.
The Daily Memo - 4/24/08
The FBI would like ISPs to be legally required to keep data about what we all do online. (News.com)
eBay is suing Craigslist … because it wants to be the exclusive home of BBWs looking for NSA degradation? (BBC)
Can you really blame students for spending their time in the law classroom by watching porn? (Above the Law)
Congrats W — you’ve got the lowest presidential approval rating in the 70 years the Gallup Poll has been playing this game! (USA Today)
Behind every lawyer is a bucket-load of fear. (Law.com)
The Supremes love when the cops conduct searches. (SCOTUSblog)
Start with what you know
In many facets of life, that’s a great motto — start with what you know. When you want to rob a place though, not so much. That’s what Alvin Gist learned when he decided to rob a check cashing story in Louisville, Kentucky. A check cashing store where he often did business. And because he did business there, unsurprisingly, the clerk recognized him when he came in to rob the joint. So when he left, she looked up his account info and called the cops, who were easily able to track him down.
Hee-hee … snatch
LAist gives us this puntastic headline: Robber Snatches Rubber Snatch. Seems that last week, someone broke into a store called Fullerton’s Erogenous Zone, and the video surveillance shows that he tried to get the store’s cash but was unable to open the register.
So he looked around, and decided that he was going to take a rubber Jenna Jameson doll (complete with erogenous zones!) so as not to be leaving empty handed. I hope that at least she looked like the old Jenna, and not the new plastic surgery mess Jenna.
By the way, don’t forget that Zombie Strippers is out in theaters now. They’re strippers and they’re zombies, you see.
With hair like that, can you afford not to vote for him?
Good news Idahoians! (Idaho-ites? Idahoo-has?). If you’re a Democrat, and you’re not liking your limited options for the May 27 primary, we’ll I’ve got just the thing for you. Whatever with all this Barack and Hillary business — you can go another way. You can put your one-(wo)man-one-vote behind Keith Russell Judd, who would like your support in his run for President.
That’s right folks, this proud resident of Beumont, Texas would like to be your President. And he’s got experience — he ran on the ballot in 2004 too! As for the fact that Judd is a prisoner serving a 14-year sentence for making threats, well, whatever what that. Who in D.C. isn’t a criminal, know what I mean?
…So, uhm, yeah. Seems that Judd totally scammed Idaho and got his name on the ballot (he tried to get on several other state ballots, but this was his only success). Definite egg on Idaho’s face, although officials are quick to point out that votes won’t get him delegates, because the state doles them out at at caucuses. But still, way to go Idaho!
It’s Because Scranton is Biased. And Racist!
What a load of horseshit:
Colin Saltry and Joey Daniel say they skipped gym class on Monday to rush over to a diner where Sen. Barack Obama’s motorcade had just pulled in for an impromptu breakfast stop.
The two met Obama, and they say he even signed excuse slips for them to show their teachers. That didn’t work. Saltry and Daniel got one-day suspensions for leaving school grounds, and Saltry has been ordered to resign as senior class president.
Saltry says it was worth being suspended to meet Obama, but he didn’t expect to be bounced from his class presidency.
You know the real reason why they were suspended, don’t you? Because Scranton is pro-Clinton. Remember this video, from The Scranton High School Choir. It will make your ears bleed purple:
Deluded Patriots Deny Super Bowl Loss
From the Smoking Gun:
Three months after their bid for an undefeated season ended with a Super Bowl loss to the New York Giants, the New England Patriots are continuing to pursue trademarks on the phrases “19-0” and “19-0 The Perfect Season,” records show. While the team may have been expected to withdraw its applications after finishing at 18-1, a Patriots lawyer recently amended the original filings to correct a typographical error, a clear indication that the organization remains committed to securing the marks (perhaps Bill Belichick & Co. are anticipating perfection in the 2008 season).
Awwww, that’s sad. And kind of pathetic. Poor Pats fans. I’m sure, in your hearts, you’ll always be 19-0. And beyond that, you can take comfort in the fact that your quarterback sure does have a pretty mouth.
Headline Writer Overcome with Burst of Creativity
The Daily Memo - 4/23/08
Mmmmm … boobies. (Above the Law)
A dude was arrested for drug trafficking after — get this — pumping gas into an imaginary car. (MSNBC)
The Supremes are apparently ok with Exxon having to pay up $112 million. (Law.com)
Worst headline imagery of the day? “Don’t touch me there: NY jury rejects rectal exam lawsuit.” (LawInfo)
The Ninth Circuit says that, on the borders, laptop searches don’t violate the Fourth Amendment. (WSJ Law Blog)
DNA and the law. (Above the Law)
Deal or no deal? The Georgia Supremes say “not so much with the deal.” (Law.com)
It’s not “with,” it’s “wit”
Here’s a Philly-related Comedy Central two-fer from last night. First, you want an Obama-wit or a Hillary-wit? (While I’m an Obama guy, myself, Geno’s can stick it — it’s Pat’s or death. …And actually, Pat’s could lead to death.)
Of course, the Hillary/Barack divide is about more than cheesesteaks (barely):
Maybe you are all homosexuals
Whatever with this Hillary and Obama shit. I’m voting McBain ‘08!
Spitball fights are getting out of control these days!
I remember several times in high school when some of us might have started fucking with a substitute teacher by turning to the aged-old spitball. And I recall several stupid nights at Denny’s where we entertained ourselves with spitballs before advancing to the Creamer Game (which wound up getting us banned from a Denny’s for a period of some months when we got a teensy out of hand). But our spitball fights (or the Creamer Game, for that matter) never lead to anyone getting arrested.
In Florida (naturally), 18-year-old Caroline Ralph has been arrested and charged with battery, culpable negligence and disorderly conduct. Seems there was a spitball fight going on at a Chili’s and, Ralph got fed up with it after a stray spitball landed on her table. So she went over to the table of spitballing girls and a heated argument ensued.
Witnesses say that Ralph went back to her table, paid her bill, and started to leave. But then she took a glass of water and it poured it over the spitballing girls, before hucking the glass aside. That hucked glass wound up hitting a baby girl in the forehead, and Ralph allegedly said she didn’t care that she hit the baby, and took off. Classy. Ralph now claims that the the glass was knocked out of her hand by one of the spitballing girls.
Oh yeah, and while it has no relevance to the story, since the article pointed this out, I might as well too — Ralph is a Hooter’s waitress.
The British are clearly loosing their compassion
James Campbell is a 61-year-old retired schoolteacher over in England. He recently took his old high school to an employment tribunal, claiming he was a victim of disability discrimination. More specifically, he claims that he was harassed by students because of his disability, and that he wasn’t able to effectively do his job. “How can I stand in front of a class with confidence to get on with my job when I am getting teased and bullied … when I think they are laughing at me all the time.”
The tribunal has now thrown Campbell’s claim out, finding that he doesn’t fall under the country’s Disability Discrimination Act. Why not, you ask?
Because judge Robert Gall had the gall — the audacity — to find that Campbell’s baldness doesn’t qualify as an impairment.
Yup, Campbell claimed that the fact that he was bald meant that being teased about his baldness was disability discrimination.
Criminally Stupid
The intro to this article speaks for itself:
One of the cardinal rules of computer programming is to never trust your input. This holds especially true when your input comes from users, and even more so when it comes from the anonymous, general public. Apparently, the developers at Oklahoma’s Department of Corrections slept through that day in computer science class, and even managed to skip all of Common Sense 101. You see, not only did they trust anonymous user input on their public-facing website, but they blindly executed it and displayed whatever came back.
The result of this negligently bad coding has some rather serious consequences: the names, addresses, and social security numbers of tens of thousands of Oklahoma residents were made available to the general public for a period of at least three years. Up until yesterday, April 13 2008, anyone with a web browser and the knowledge from Chapter One of SQL For Dummies could have easily accessed – and possibly, changed – any data within the DOC’s databases. It took me all of a minute to figure out how to download 10,597 records – SSNs and all – from their website.
Brilliant.
Oooooooh! Snap!
South Carolina, Ladies and Gentlemen!
Small town America isn’t bitter, it’s backwards and racist!
Pastor Roger Byrd said he just wanted to make people think when he put up a sign reading “Obama, Osama — humm, are they brothers” in front of the Jonesville Church of God on Thursday.
And what was it he wanted his flock to think?
“It’s simply to cause people to realize and to see what possibly could happen if we were to get someone in there that does not believe in Jesus Christ,” he said.
Well, surely his congregation was offended and asked him to take down the sign, right?
Despite some criticism, Byrd says that the message will stay on the sign. He took the issue before his congregation Sunday night, and they decided unanimously to keep it.
God bless South Carolina.
Colorado: You Must Be So Proud!
A couple of months ago, Colorado State Representative Douglas Bruce made his presence immediately known when, during a prayer, Bruce kicked a photographer who was snapping a photo, which warranted a house censure. A little while later, he refused to co-sponsor a bill honoring military veterans and was booted from the State Veterans and Military Affairs Committee.
I suppose, having gone a few weeks without attracting attention to himself, Rep. Doug Bruce made amends for it yesterday when, during debate over an immigration bill, he boldly declared, “I would like to have the opportunity to state at the microphone why I don’t think we need 5,000 more illiterate peasants in Colorado.” He was then cut off by the audibly shocked House chairwoman.
Well, he just misspoke, right? Of course, no one would refer to Mexicans as “illiterate peasants” on purpose, right?
“I got to the third sentence of my prepared statement and I was interrupted by the Democratic chair,” said Bruce. “I said, ’ I do not want,’ so I was expressing my view, which was a true statement, ‘that I don’t want up to 5,000 more illiterate peasants coming to Colorado and I certainly don’t want a government program to bring them here.’”
Oh. He meant it? Or maybe he was still high after Boulder’s Bowl-a-Thon!
Some headlines say it all
Sure, you can click on through to find out more about this story (although there are only two one-sentence paragraphs). But really, doesn’t this headline just about tell you all you need to know?
Nervous thief left DNA in vomit.
Yeah, I’m all set.
The Daily Memo - 4/22/08
Florida. Truck nutz. What more do you need? (Above the Law)
Kenton Keith, a backup running back on Dustin’s beloved Colts, was arrested over the weekend for refusing to leave a club parking lot in the wee a.m. hours. (SI)
Of side-switching delegates. (Slate)
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! … will be Northestern Law School’s commencement speaker. (Above the Law)
The TTAB has affirmed the refusal to register trademarks of jean ass-pocket stitches. (The TTABlog)
Some of Ray Charles’ greedier kids are fighting over his estate. (WT&E Prog Blog)
Lawyers belong in a suit? Fuck that. (WSJ Law Blog)
Sorry buddy, the law’s the law
Jordan Gonnering is a student at the University of Wisconsin. Earlier this month, he came home to find the corpse of his murdered fiancee. Not a good time. Unsurprisingly, Gonnering kinda doesn’t want to live in that apartment anymore. Trouble his, he’s still got a 16 month lease.
The Dean of Students at UW-Madison says that she hasn’t been able to convince the company that owns the building to change its position after speaking to them on behalf of Gonnering. In fact, Gonnering even offered to move into another property owned by the management company but, so far, the owner of that property company isn’t budging, simply saying he wants to talk to Gonnering about things. He notes that the law is the law, and he’s gotta treat everyone fair and equally.
Ok, fine. I take no issue with that. But the law allows you to be compassionate, assfuck. If both sides agree to allow the lease to be broken, or agree that move it over to another unit, there’s nothing unfair or unequal about that. Jesus.
Worst President in History of America Does Something Slightly Cool
Asshole or Awesome? You be be the judge. (Hint: the answer is definitely “awesome.”)
Up in Portland, Oregon, Eric Bryant was hanging out in a Chinese restaurant when he saw a police car illegally park. Officer Chad Stensgaard then walked into the Chinese restaurant and began watching a basketball game on TV. Bryant asked the cop about his car, and Officer Stensgaard agreed that he was in a no-parking zone, but retorted: “If someone broke into your house, would you rather have the police be able to park in front of your house or have to park three blocks away and walk there?” Stensgaard eventually took the order of food he was waiting for and drove off.
And it turns out that he’s now got a bit more than some leftover Chinese food to deal with. Because Bryan is a freshly-minted attorney, and he happens to be familiar with a certain little Oregon statute that’s particularly relevant in this situation. And so Officer Stensgaard has received a summons to show up in traffic court next month, as Bryan filed charges under a law allowing the private initiation of of traffic violation proceedings, violations which could cost Officer Stensgaard over $500.
Barack Obama is a Mack Daddy; Born Trash
Watch! as Sean Hannity blows a gasket defending Obama. No. Really. (After the 30 second introduction, the action starts at 4:30).
You Say Tomato, I Say *Clank*
Some chef’s take their food very personally.
A row over the correct way to make shepherd’s pie ended up in court after a disagreement between two brothers turned violent.
After a day spent drinking, Michael Garvin cooked his brother John the traditional English dish for dinner, expecting a grateful response.
John, however, voiced his disquiet that the pie was not topped with a layer of sliced tomatoes.
His brother, a chef, claimed a layer of tomatoes was not the appropriate way to finish off a shepherd’s pie, and responded by hitting him over the head with a shovel.
As the argument got out of control, John threatened to petrol bomb his brother’s flat and was arrested.
Who the hell puts a layer of tomatoes on top of Shepherd’s pie? I’ve never heard of such a thing. And the judge in the case agrees: “District Judge Peter Ward told the defendant that, in his view, there was no need for a layer of tomatoes on a shepherd’s pie.” Case closed.
I Bet Tony Orlando Never Envisioned These Lyrics
By now you’ve probably heard that CNN personality Richard Quest was interrupted from a leisurely stroll about Central Park early Friday morning when it came to the attention of law enforcement that he was, well, there — since the park was closed at the time. And, you may have also heard that he had meth and a sex toy on his person as well as a rope tied from around his neck to his wiener. Says the New York Post:
It wasn’t immediately clear what the rope was for.
It wasn’t immediately clear?! I would think that a beacon of journalism like the New York Post would be just a little more capable of using their imagination. Hell. Around here at Webster’s, we call a little “dick on a rope” a fun “Tuesday night.”
Cross-posted from Webster’s is my Bitch, courtesy of Stacey
10,000 Bowl Smokers!
The annual CU Bowlathon (I just made a word up) took place again yesterday, but this year was even more spliffy than in year’s past: At 4:20, on 4/20, 10,000 University of Colorado students toked up, and unlike in year’s past, police made absolutely no attempt to stop them.
Officers in the past have gone to great lengths to catch people in the illegal act of smoking pot on 4/20.
In 2006, CU police dispatched undercover photographers to snap pictures of smokers. Photos of 150 alleged offenders then were posted on the department’s Web site, and witnesses were offered $50 to positively identify the suspects — who then were ticketed. Another year, smokers on Farrand were doused with sprinklers.
“We can’t do the same thing year after year,” Wiesley said hours before Sunday’s smoking began. “So I doubt we’ll do anything like the pictures. … There’s no way our 12 to 15 officers are going to be able to deal with a crowd of 10,000. We just can’t do strong enforcement when we’re outnumbered 700 or 800 to one.”
Also, let’s just be honest here: How effective would you expect 12 to 15 police officers to be in a sea of pot smoke generated by 10,000 students smoking up at one time.
I bet the pot dealers love 4/20 in Boulder, too.
The Daily Memo - 4/21/08
The FBI allowed its own desire to expand the USA Patriot Act to interfere with a case investigation. (Wired)
The firm of Howrey Simon has been sued, following the collapse of a patent deal, for breach of fiduciary duty. (Law.com)
There’s still hope that I can flip this worthless J.D. into a movie biz career! (WSJ Law Blog)
Many of the Cannuck readers of our sister site are surely behind the latest move to deregulate Canadian TV, possibly opening things up for U.S. networks to head up north. (CBC.ca)
I’d wager Clinton, Obama and McCain would all rather talk about Kevin Bacon than being two or three degrees from Hitler. Just a hunch. (Slate)
At least as far as Dems go, there might be a smidge of truthiness to the Colbert Bump. (Fox News)
Our boy Jonathan Lee Riches is suing Grand Theft Auto, blaming the game and its developers for putting him in prison. (ComputerAndVideoGames)
Don’t count her out yet boys and girls
Hey, University of Chicago law students — shut up!
Last month, following Spring Break, the University of Chicago Law School enacted a new policy, banning internet access from all classrooms. According to this report, it’s the first “institution-wide directive of its kind.” Unsurprisingly, many students are up in arms. And to them I say here as I said in this entry’s title, “shut up.” Seriously, shut the fuck up.
I’m going to go old man on you here — back in my day, when we wanted to surf the net instead of pay attention to lectures, you know what we did? We didn’t go to fucking class. It didn’t waste our time, didn’t waste the professor’s time — win fucking win.
And further, if we did want to waste time in class, there were plenty of ways to do it without the internet. Those of us who had laptops would play lots of Freecell or Hearts or Minesweeper. But we didn’t even need the laptops to distract us. In fact, during second year (especially during mother fucking Antitrust), our favorite in-class distraction tended to be crossword puzzles. Sometimes, one of my gang would even think ahead and make copies of the puzzle from the local paper so the whole gaggle of us could whittle our time away filling in words. Crossword puzzles — just as time-wastey as surfing the net, only kinda smarter. And if you want to go the low-brow route, hell, I still remember a buddy who managed to build the most impressive highlighter tower man has ever laid eyes on.
Point being — fuck the net, kids. Expand your minds and think creatively. That’s what law school’s all about in the first place!
The least shocking news you’ll hear all day
Turns out that another of President Bush’s Attorney Generals is an obstinate pain in the ass. At least, so says Senator Arlen Specter, the minority leader of the Judiciary Committee. He say that AG Michael Mukasey is unwilling to compromise on anything, from FISA and telecom retroactive immunity to media shield laws to state secrets laws, etc. Spector says he’s entirely unwilling to make any concession on anything.
Of course, we all know the answer to the million dollar question, which is whether a pig-headed stalwart is still better than our old buddy Alberto Gonzales. Spector of course confirms this, noting that “he’s a big improvement” and that “it would be impossible not to be” better than Alberto. True dat. They could’ve confirmed a rock and it would’ve been a better Attorney General than Alberto.
Actually, a rock might be a better Attorney General than Mukasey.
Actually, fuck that — I think The Rock should be our Attorney General. Duane “The Rock” Johnson, bringing you justice whether you want it or not! Word.
The important question is, did Picasso lay some serious pipe?
Probably because I have a gutter mouth and tend to often say some offensive shit (you should’ve heard the conversation about the Pope and Nazis I started in the office last week), I’ve always been a big proponent of free speech. And having been a big comics fan as a younger lad, the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund has been my charity of choice for a while now. For a couple of years, one of the big cases the CBLDF has been helping defend was down in Rome, Georgia. Gordon Lee, a comic store owner, had been giving away free comics as part of Free Comic Book Day, and among the thousands of comics he was handing out, he accidentally included a copy of Alternative Comics #2. In that comic, there was a story about Picasso meeting Beorges Braque, and Picasso is shown as nude in the scene. (You can see some images at the end of this post, after the jump. Since some folks were pissed off at seeing Ann Coulter’s “tits” last week — and really, who wants to even think of that, let alone see it — I figured you might think Picasso’s little brush is NSFW. If nothing else, QuizLaw is accommodating!)
That comic wound up being given out to a kid, and the kid’s parents complained to the cops. Lee was arrested, despite admitting it was a mistake and offering a public apology, and he was charged with some felonies and several misdemeanors. The trial has been a three-year mess, but it finally came to an end as the court has dismissed all of the charges against Lee.
Mayor of Ottawa, Canada’s Capital, is Lex Luther
(This post comes compliments of Ranylt Richildis, a writer over on our sister site, Pajiba, and a citizen of Ottawa).
In 2006, the citizens of Ottawa elected a former businessman to the mayoral chair. Larry O’Brien had no municipal experience, but with big bucks, a slick pate, and plenty of greasy pals at the provincial and federal levels of government, who needs know-how?
Allegations of corruption started hounding O’Brien before the ballot boxes were shelved. Terry Kilrea, a right-winger who dropped out of the mayoral race (giving O’Brien the lion’s share of conservative votes) has alleged that O’Brien offered him cash to make room for his opponent. These allegations have snaked all the way up to the federal Conservative Party, which currently holds power.
Things came to a head last December when O’Brien was charged with
“pretending to have influence with the government or a minister, contrary to Section 121(1)(d)(ii), and negotiating an appointment contrary to Section 125(b).” But the terrier-like O’Brien wouldn’t give up his seat and continues to make epic fiscal and PR blunders (here’s a summary —Number 3 is my favorite).
Arrogance, corruption and a thirst for power as bald as his head have earned O’Brien the moniker of “Lex Luther”. His supervillain mania went on full display last week when, after making an ass of himself in an interview about his son’s posting douche comments on a local blog, Luther tried to grab the tape recorder from the CBC reporter. “How do you erase everything I’ve said so far?” he snapped. When the reporter replied “I can’t do that, Mr. Mayor,” Luther took a tantrum and hollered “Oh yeah? Watch me!” and can be heard evicting the reporter from his office. CBC aired the tape. Mockery has ensued.
JFK Was Kind of Awesome, Huh?
Seth usually reserves Friday afternoon for weird or nonsensical videos, but he left the slot open this week, and going into the weekend (and, eventually, Tuesday’s presidential primary), you oughta take a look at this video, a series of questions posed to JFK. It’s enlightening for two reasons: 1) It came from a time when the press still did it’s fucking job; and 2) JFK was one cool motherfucker.
It’s a Bird!
Check out this video, and pay special attention to what Barack is saying and the hand gesture that goes along with it right at the :20 second mark.
Intentional? Subconscious? Freudian?
Or maybe he just had an itch.
The L.A. Times sure is making a stink of it. But, you know: What else have they got to do? They’ve probably laid off everyone but the bloggers by now, anyway.
WTF is Oral Sodomy?
Is that what I think it is? Is that what the kids are doing these days? Licking butt? Man alive.
Anyway: An Oklahoma sheriff has been charged with 35 felonies this week, including 14 counts of rape and the seven counts of oral sodomy. Mike Burgess had apparently been running a sex slave operation out of the female prison he was running. He is accused of raping inmates, forcing a drug court participant to have sex with him or face jail; and having inmates participate in a wet T-shirt contest and giving cigarettes to women who flashed their breasts.
He was also charged of one count of “rape by instrumentation.”
Rape by instrumentation? Oral sodomy? Dude, this guy was a sick fuck.
The Daily Memo - 4/18/08
Well who needs to read Supreme Court decisions when you show up court in a suit? I mean, let’s be reasonable here! (Legal Profession Blog)
The NFL Network is planning to file an FCC complaint against Comcast over their ongoing battle. (ESPN)
A new website is planning to make it easy for you to sue — “it’s like Match.com for lawyers and litigants.” (Above the Law)
Barney Frank has introduced legislation into the House which would decriminalize holding small amounts of weed, but don’t hold your THC-laced breath. (Convio.net)
A Georgia judge is planning to step down thanks to all sorts of ethics problems on the horizon. (Law.com)
A petition to cancel the FACEBOOK trademark registration has been filed. (The Trademark Blog)
The Washington Post used copyright law to nix the Flyers’ plan to rub egg in the paper’s face (but the Broadstreet Bullies won last night anyway!). (The 700 Level)
But how do you really feel?
I received the following e-mail joke from a partner at work earlier this week. Don’t know where it came from, so I can’t give proper attribution, but it’s mildly amusing enough (as far as lawyer humor goes) to share on a dull Friday:
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”
“Will things ever be the same again?”
Over at Pitzer College, some guys have been working to create the Masculinist Coalition and to get official school sponsorship (which they just got, earlier this week). As their charter puts it, they’re “a group created to celebrate man as members see fit, discuss issues men face and (most importantly) have a good time with other people of a similar mindset.” Unsurprisingly, the group met with some controversy and opposition on campus, particularly from some of the feminist and GLBT groups. Sort of understandable, kinda, although I’d tell all of them to chill out a little.
But I’m talking about this here because their Bylaws have the best set of provisions I’ve ever seen, and I would like to propose that all contracts from here-on-out contain a similar provision. From their charter:
3. Shenanigans
a. If, for any reason, a member of the group feels that a meeting is being invaded by people who are there to cause trouble, intentionally sabotage a group vote or just not have a good time any member can yell “Shenanigans!” to initiate shenanigans.
b. The president must approve the declaration of shenanigans before shenanigans can start.
c. Once approved, all attending members must sing Europe’s “The Final Countdown” for 124 minutes, the exact runtime of “Die Hard 2”