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I survived a trip to Florida and all you got was this lousy post

miami-beach.jpgYesterday afternoon I got back from a weekend vacation in Miami. It was actually quite relaxing and refreshing, even though I couldn’t help but sleep with one eye open, knowing the level of unfathomable crazy which that state rises too on a shockingly consistent basis. Anyway, here are two quick examples from this weekend as to why we, much like Fark and Keith Olbermann before us, love Florida so much.

First, my buddy was checking the local news on Saturday when he announced, “well here’s typical Florida for you.” Top story at the moment was about a seven-year-old boy being charged with grand theft auto for taking his grandmother’s SUV for a an eight minute ride through a Palm Bean neighborhood:

Police say he literally drove until a wheel fell off. The right front wheel, to be exact, which broke off after the boy hit a sign.

The kid probably won’t be charged with anything, which I’m ok with. But maybe the granny should be charged for, you know, taking such wonderful care of the kid that he was able to skate off with her SUV? …Nah, that’s crazy talk.

My second story is non-law related, but just too wonderful to pass sharing. This story was told to me by my friends about a friend of theirs who, for the sake of this story, we shall call Heifer. So Heifer is a big girl. Some might say fat. And she decided to do something about it. Not exercise or diet, of course, but the ol’ gastric bypass surgery. So she goes to her doctor who tells Heifer that although she is indeed a large gal, she’s not quite heavy enough to fall into the category of being a gastric bypass candidate. Great news — you’re not morbidly obese! But of course, that’s not the way Heifer sees it and, I shit you not, she is now working to gain 30-odd pounds so that she can be eligible for the gastric bypass surgery. And this story, right here, succinctly sums up, in my mind, why Florida rules.

(And then there’s this amazing story, sent in by reader Amy M.)

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Comments

She's lucky. Now there are many options available for dangerously underweighted individuals like herself. I recommend a slow steady gorging process combined with assal horizontology. She'll want to focus on the neglected food groups such as the whipped group, the congealed group, and the chocotastic! To speed the whole thing up, be creative. Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use poptarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon. She could brush her teeth with milkshakes! And remember, if she's not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper. If the paper turns clear, it's her window to weight gain. Bye bye, everybody!