Who dat gonna beat dem Comcast execs?
Congrats to the Saints, and a “suck it” to the Colts. In celebration, here’s Senator Al Franken giving a bit of a beatdown on one of the devils who are the people who run our cable companies.
(Hat tip: Gizmodo)
Only a Special Moment of Governmental, Bureaucratic Idiocy Could Bring Me Out of the Deep, Dark Cave Where I’ve Been Plotting*
Pop quiz, hotshot. There’s a fax in the machine. But the fax is upside down. If you don’t flip it right side up, the words and pictures will be upside down. If you do flip it around, well, then you’ll have to deal with it. What do you do? What … do … you … do?
…Well, if you’re the Patent and Trademark Office, you write a stupid letter to the sender of said upside fax, a letter labeled “Notice of Document Filed Upside Down.” You then explain that the document must be resubmitted:
The faxed submission was received upside down. We are unable to continue processing these images.
As the fine folks over at Gizmodo say:
So we have a few assumptions we can make about the setup over at the USPTO. They either still take manual faxes, as in stuff prints out in reams of paper over in the bowels of some bleak office structure, or they take faxes digitally and don’t have the expertise to use an image rotation program to rotate the damn image so it’s right-side-up. Either way, it’s hard to think of a situation that reflects worse on the people who are supposed to be judging our society’s technological advancements based on merit.
‘Bout sums it up, don’t it?
Because there is still one little piece of my black soul that hasn’t been eaten away by cynicism, I am going to hope that when the PTO says “upside down,” they mean the sender flipped the paper over, so they wound up getting the tails side rather than the heads side. Because if it means the way you first assume, Obama has already failed, because hope is truly, utterly and completely dead.
*(Yes, by “plotting,” I mean “slowly suffocating as a result of BigLaw’s ever-tightening grip around my throat.)
The whole freaking system is out of order!
Back in February, we told you about a major whoopsie that had been discovered in the Wilkes-Barry, PA juvy courts. Specifically, two judges were sending minors off to JV prison after taking millions of dollars in kickbacks from the detention centers taking in these rapscallions.
Well now the PA Supreme Court has thrown out five years’ worth of convictions made by one of these judges. Thousands of convictions, in fact, up to 6,500. Well now the PA Supreme Court has thrown out all of this judge’s convictions. Thousands of convictions, in fact, up to 6,500. Most of the kids who now have a mark smudged off of their record aren’t likely to face retrial, either, even if their crimes were actually serious.
Let the civil suits roll.
(Hattip to Elizabeth N).
Fox News: An Ouroboros of Opinion and News
After making a little fun of the Obama Administration’s “war on Fox News,” Jon Stewart unloaded on Fox News over its righteous indignation over the whole thing and showed us how things work at Fox. Awesome.
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| For Fox Sake! | ||||
| ||||
Hello Old-School Southern Racism, Good to See You Again!
Wow, just wow. Keith Bardwell is a justice of the peace down in Louisiana who’s been getting lots of press over the last few days because he’s a bigot. Of course, he doesn’t think he’s a bigot — he’s just helping the kids.
See, Bardwell refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple last week, because it’s bad for the children. In his experience, Bardwell says, interracial marriages don’t last very long. And on top of that, from talking with some folks, he’s decided that neither black nor white society tends to accept the children of interracial relationship: “I don’t do interracial marriages because I don’t want to put children in a situation they didn’t bring on themselves. In my heart, I feel the children will later suffer.” (At least he didn’t call them dirty mulattos!)
And then there’s this:
I’m not a racist. I just don’t believe in mixing the races that way…. I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else.
Piles and piles of the blacks use your bathroom? Is it too late to take back Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize and give it to Bardwell? Jesus Christ.
Reason Number 264 I Won’t Be Moving to Alabama
Because the Alabama Supreme Court recently ruled against Love Stuff, a sex toy store, in holding the state’s anti-obscenity law constitutional. Said the Court:
Public morality can still serve as a legitimate rational basis for regulating commercial activity, which is not a private activity…. As the Eleventh Circuit in Williams IV pithily and somewhat coarsely stated: ‘There is nothing ‘private’ or ‘consensual’ about the advertising and sale of a dildo.’
Yup. Alabama hates dildoes.
Bono? Is it Bono? B.J.? Kong? Come on, what the hell’s your name?!?
Earlier this month, a monkey was arrested in Perth, Australia, because he refused to identify himself to the police:
The monkey had declined to give his name when questioned by police, so they took him away. At the police station, the monkey was identified as a young man, Brenton Green, dressed in a realistic monkey suit.Police had earlier received complaints that the monkey had been harassing passersby and knocked a hamburger out of a man’s hand.
This mughshot appears next to the definition of “classy” in my dictionary
So I’m thinking that she got this because, this way, the sun actually does shine down on the place where the sun don’t shine and, so she hopes, perhaps people won’t shove things up in there. That’s the theory, anyways.
(From The Smoking Gun, as always.)
Just Because I’m an Ignorant Black Man Doesn’t Give You the Right To Be a Worthless Tool
Apparently, Alec Baldwin recently told Playboy that he’s thinking about moving to Connecticut because he would like to run for Senate against Joe Lieberman. He’s thinking about it, he says, because he’s got “no use” for Lieberman. Amen, brother. Lieberman is about as big a tool as the Senate has to offer.
Lieberman, for his part, is up for the challenge. But he might want to think twice about that. I mean, can you imagine Lieberman debating a tour de force like this? It would be epic … and Lieberman would lose in a fucking landslide.
Baldwin ‘12!
Scalia done been called out!
Last week, Alan Dershowitz called the Scalia to the mat. In a recent dissent in a death penalty case, Dershowitz says that Scalia says the Constitution doesn’t forbid the execution of a death penalty convict who later is able to convince a court he’s actually innocent (I say that this is what Dershowitz says the Scalia says because I haven’t actually read the dissent, and only have the excerpts Dershowitz gives us to go on — but it sure comes out that way). Dershowitz then cites to a piece written by Scalia back in ‘02 where he said if his religion ever conflicted with his ability to judge, he’d step down from the bench.
So Dershowitz is calling the Scalia out:
I invite him to participate in the debate at Harvard Law School, at Georgetown Law School, or anywhere else of his choosing. The stakes are high, because if he loses—if it is clear that his constitutional views permitting the execution of factually innocent defendants are inconsistent with the teachings of the Catholic Church—then, pursuant to his own published writings, he would have no choice but to conform his constitutional views to the teachings of the Catholic Church or to resign from the Supreme Court.
Whaddaya say, Scalia?
Things Not to Do
That’s right boys and girls, we’re back with another exciting installment of everyone’s favorite list of common sense items, Things Not to Do!
1) Don’t drive drunk.
2) Don’t drive drunk at 1:13 in the morning.
3) Don’t drive drunk at 1:13 in the morning on a snowmobile.
4) Don’t drive drunk at 1:13 in the morning on a snowmobile in July, on one of the hottest days of the year.
It will come as no surprise that Mr. Joseph Quigley, a 31-year-old Vermont man, was found to have a BAC of .183%. Nor should it come as any surprise that this was Mr. Quiglye’s fifth DUI.
Reason Number 325 Why I’ll Never Move to Texas
Because this fall, a 2007 Texas law goes into effect, having all public schools, under mandate, teaching the Bible.
Obviously, many folks are on board with this. Some aren’t:
Tyler resident Havis Tatum disagress with Tucker. He said, “I don’t want anybody teaching their religious beliefs to my child unless they want to send their child to my house and let me teach them my religious views. There is no difference.”
Sorry Havis, but you have too much common sense for Texas. I’d take your family and move the fuck away while you still can.
Half of Me Says They Should Be Heavily Punished, The Other Half Is Jealous That I Didn’t Do This as a Dumb Kid
A pair of Missouri teen broke into a local go-cart joint and took their stolen goods to the local interstate.
Witnesses reported seeing the go-carts driving down the highway.“Some people driving by thought it was odd there were go-carts on the highway, so they called in and reported it,” Cool Crest’s Kyle Breon told KMBC’s Peggy Breit.
Only some people who saw the go-carts on the interstate thought it was odd? Really? I want to meet the guy who ws all “ah, just another day on I-70, with some go-carting kids passing me on the right.”
The two 14-year-olds were arrested after a brief police chase.
Wanna get some pizza?
Yes, things have been quiet around the QuizLaw front. Can’t be helped, children. Dustin’s days are busy running the best little entertainment review site in this corner of the interwebs, and I’ve been busy being a law talking guy. Times are tough, yo, and we got bills to pay. And the QuizLaw don’t pay our bills.
But that’s all beside the point, because there are more important things to talk about. Like the Florida man responsible for this headline: “Man arrested for hitting girl with pizza.” But lest you think he assualted just any girl, let me clarify — it would be his teenage daughter who was assaulted by a slice of pizza being flung at her neck.
Deputy Nick Vickers says the man used racist and sexist terms when he asked his daughter to turn off her computer, and she fired back with some crude language of her own.Vickers says the father “intentionally threw a slice of pizza at the victim, striking her in the back of the neck, against her will.”
So the daughter called 911, Daddy Dearest was arrested, and I was compelled to post on QuizLaw. Thank you Florida, you neeeeever disappoint.
And cops wonder why they’re so often hated?
Check this shit out — in an area south of Milwaukee, a cop was patrolling the parking lot outside a music arena. It was late at night, and he found a teenager sleeping in his car. The cop knocked on the window and 19-year-old Travis Peterson explained that he had gotten a bit drunk at a Dave Matthews Band concert and so he was sleeping it off. Putting aside the fact that he was underage, that’s very responsible of Mr. Peterson. The cop, however, was unmoved, and said that because the lot was being cleared he was ordering Peterson to drive off.
So Peterson did as he was told, and as soon as he was out of the parking lot, he was promptly arrested for drunk driving. At his trial, he was found guilty and hit with 60 days in the clink after the state argues that Peterson couldn’t claim entrapment because he chose to drink too much in the first place.
The Wisconsin Court of Appeals has now told the state to take that argument and shove it:
“Drinking alcohol to excess, while inadvisable and unhealthy, is not unlawful by itself,” the appeals court said.
Drunks of the world, hoist one in celebration of our win!
See, this is why nobody in Jersey has any manners!
Craig Fletcher tried to do the right thing. Late last month, he was robbing a house, and had stuffed three laptops and an Xbox into his backback. That’s not the right thing.
So the homeowner wound up interrupting him, and chased Fletcher on foot. Fletcher tossed the bag and made a prompt getaway. That’s not the right thing either.
Sometime later, guilt apparently eating away at him, Fletcher showed back up to the house to apologize. That’s the right thing.
Only, the victim had him arrested. Fucking ingrate.
This guy needs to take a lesson from Meatloaf
All Frank Paul Reyos wanted to do was get married. So he took his girlfriend and off the pair hopped to the local courthouse for a quick and simple marriage.
Turns out Reyos was a fugitive, wanted by the local gang unit for aggravated robbery charges. In fact, the cops described Reyos as “Salt Lake County’s Public Enemy No. 1.”
Some of you are thinking, “that’s so romantic — despite being wanted, he decided to take a chance in going to the courthouse to marry his true love.” Others are thinking, “he’s a dumb ass.”
The second group is right — Reyos was recognized and promptly arrested. And if he thought he wouldn’t be recognized, he might’ve tried to cover up his face tattoos especially the spiderweb on his forehead.
Moral of the story? It’s ok to do anything for love, but maybe don’t go to the courthouse when you’re a fucking wanted felon. That was one of the lines in that Meatloaf song, right?
How not to get busted for driving around with pot and coke in your car…
…don’t drive around with your two-year-old grandson hanging out of your car window.
Congrats to the New Junior Senator from Minnesota
(Hat tip: TPMDC)
On a more serious note…
This morning, I was being rather juvenile. Turning to the less-cock-more-important realm of things, the Lawinfo Blog has a nice little roundup of the more significant cases from the just-concluded 2008-09 Supreme Court term. From discriminating against white firefighters to strip searching students for ibuprofen, from immunity for the Iraqi government and former AG Ashcroft to indecency on the public airwaves, this term covered a lot of interesting topics.
Give it a read so you stay up-to-date with what’s going on in the Highest Court in the Land, won’t ya?
Juvenile Mondays, Coming at Ya!
Over at The TTABlog we learn that the Federal Circuit has affirmed a decision to refuse trademark protection for a cigarettes which were found to falsely suggest a connection to the Shinnecock Indian Nation. Understandable decision, since the smokes used the mark “Shinnecock” and had an overall appearance suggesting Indian-type association.
Seems like the court’s actually doing the company a favor, saving it from some lost profits. I dunno about you, but I can’t imagine a lot of smokers jumping to run up to a cashier and ask: “pack of shiney cock smokes, please.”
I have nothing to add…
(Hat tip: Legal Antics)
Shot through the heart, and you’ve been sued…
Good on ya, District Judge Michael M. Baylson. He was writing up a 29-page opinion in a case called AFL Philadelphia v. Krause. AFL Philadelphia would be one of the owners of the Philadelphia Soul, an AFL football team. Jon Bon Jovi is also a team owner. So Judge Baylson did what any good man would do in this situation and included not just football allusions in his opinion, but Bon Jovi song references. To wit:
…the local arena football team the Philadelphia soul … rose in a “Blaze of Glory” to win the 2008 national championship Arena Bowl and then was “Shot Through the Heart” when its 2009 season was cancelled by the League due to financial problems. The team and League remain “Living on a Prayer” that they will return in the 2010 season and beyond. In the meantime, the Philadelphia Soul and a former employee are trading accusations concerning the fall-out of the season’s cancellation, in which they each experienced a taste of “Bad Medicine.”
And:
Although continuing to pursue his counterclaims will be no “Bed of Roses,” Defendant has adequately pled both Lanham Act and misappropriation of name claims such that this Court will deny Plaintiffs’ Motion to Dismiss Defendant’s Counterclaims.
And double good on ya, Judge Baylson, for including a footnote giving your law clerk props for being the one to hook you up with the actual song titles.
Smooth Criminal
Oh Florida, I feel so guilty. You just give and give and give, and we just take and take and take.
A fight broke out on a Florida bus when news of Michael Jackson’s death sparked debate over whether he should be remembered as a great musical talent, and one passenger was charged with assault, police said on Friday.
When a passenger got a text about the King of Pop dying, he read it to the bus. The bus driver said MJ should’ve been in jail a long time ago (true), and another passenger noted that “the world just lost a great musical talent” (also true). Well that’s when Henry Wideman sprung into action, getting into a swearing match with the sixty-year-old who had the audacity to call Jackson a talent. And then he pulled a knife and started chasing the dude.
He’s in jail pending aggravated assault with a deadly weapon charges.
(Hat tip Cathleen)
What? You think I hung out in the sun too long? I thought I was just getting some nice color…
(This melanoma brought to you by The Smoking Gun.)
Uhm, honey, you got a little something there on your face … yeah, there … and there … and a bit there, too
(From The Sun. She claims she only wanted three stars, not 56, but the story’s a bit suspect, you ask me.)
Uhm, dude, you got a little something there on your face … yeah, there … and there … and a bit there, too
(Another friendly booked-criminal from The Smoking Gun, of course,)
Is that a shiv in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
Dawud Yaduallah, that happy-go-lucky dude right over there who used to go by the name David Hanley, is an ex-convict and a career criminal. But now he’s also a plaintiff because, free from the confines of prison, he’s he’s filed a federal lawsuit against one of his former prison nurses. He says the nurse gave him a 25% extra dose of one of his meds, which led to him sitting in his cell for 55 hours with a raging hard-on before he was finally taken to the hospital for some treatment.
Yaduallah, 43, claims nurse Judith Lovelace’s diagnostic foul-up left him “irreparably injured” with “severe damage to his penis, including erectile dysfunction, inability to ejaculate and pain during sexual intercourse.”He now needs a prosthesis “to possibly restore some sexual function” and says “his medical problems have caused difficulty in his marriage,” court papers say.
And yes, I agree — the best of this story is totally the fact that the nurse’s last name is Lovelace.
(H/T: Gawker)
This is like a literal “get out of jail free” card
This is unbelievable. Five years ago, Dwayne Keith Fitzen was serving a 24 year prison sentence in Minnesota, and prison officials decided to transfer him to California. So you know how they had the inmate known as “Shadow” transferred? They gave him a bus ticket and told him to hop on the Greyhound. With no supervision. On a two-day bus trip. And lo-and-behold, he hopped off the bus in Vegas and vanished like a fart in the wind.
The truly amazing thing is that this is a common practice:
Since April 2006, the Bureau of Prisons has allowed 89,794 federal inmates to be transferred without escorts, traveling mainly by bus.
The inmates are pre-screened and considered to be low-risk. And the stat that only about 0.2% of these inmates have fled while the transfer is low, sure. But that still means that 180 felons got a chance to bolt for freedom. How many, for certain, have fled? How many who have fled have been re-snagged? The government doesn’t even know because, in another show of their genius, they don’t even have firm numbers here (although they do know that 77 inmates fled from this program from October 2003 through September 2005, with 17 of them having never been caught). And ok, the vast majority of those being escorted are on their way to halfway houses, where they get to be out in public and what-not anyway. But still, in “the past three years 5,347 federal inmates have been transferred unescorted to minimum-security facilities, more commonly called prison camps.”
Government at work! Sleep safe, citizens.
BREAKING, BREAKING — Dapper Don Pinched by the Coppers for Hawking His Homehade Hooch Without a License
…Actually, this fine fella’ was busted for driving with a suspended license (his license had been suspended thanks to a little DUI). But that just didn’t have the same Newsie ring, you know?
