He was just trying to be like Dr. Sam Beckett by putting right what once went wrong … where the hell’s Al when you need him?
Those wacky British cops, or “bobbies,” if you will, just hate them some do-gooders:
A graffiti vandal was arrested in South-West England after he returned to the scene of his crime to repair the damage.
Aaron Miller, 18, drunkenly spray-painted his name and ‘crack head’ on a garage door.
But he later bought paint from B&Q and began to right his wrong - which is when the police caught him.
Miller, of Weymouth, Dorset, was given a conditional discharge.
I know just the guy to ask!
In Ohio, state employee Marc Dann has gotten into a little hot water. He’s admitted to cheating on his wife with an employee and says that this little affair caused the atmosphere in his office to get all sexual-like, to the point that sexual harassment claims were levied against one of his aides. On both sides of the aisle in the state house, folks are now calling for Dann to resign and, if he won’t, the state House is thinking about trying to impeach him.
Trouble is, the state House doesn’t really have what it takes to properly investigate the issue to determine if any of Dann’s shenanigans amount to impeachable offenses. So they’d like the state attorney general to appoint an independent investigator to look into the issue.
Which makes sense. Until you realize that the attorney general is … Marc Dann.
Mike Gravel Panders to Obama Girl Enthusiasts, Crazy People
What? I Was Just Sampling the Evidence
Pop Quiz: You’re a prospective juror for a marijuana possession case. What’s the best way to avoid jury duty?
A prospective juror in a marijuana possession trial was hauled off to jail Tuesday after police said they caught her smoking a joint outside the courthouse. Attornies in the case had narrowed the jury pool down to 20 people when they took a 45 minute break. When the break was over, 49-year-old Cornelia Turner Mayo didn’t return to Judge Sherman Ross’ courtroom.
Turns out she was on a smoking break — but what she was allegedly smoking was illegal. “I’ve had prospective jurors get lost before, but it never occurred to me that they might be getting ready for a marijuana trial by, allegedly, smoking marijuana,” Judge Ross told the Houston Chronicle.
Works every time!
[Seth: What I don’t get is that folks are supposed to have a jury of their peers. This girl is absolutely the defendant’s peer, right?]
A “Hiccup” Is an Involuntary Spasm of the Diaphragm; This Was a Giant “Fuckup”
So, you’re telling me that TSA can now download files off your computer as part of its screening of foreigners, but they can’t stop a homeless man from sleeping on a plane?
A homeless man managed to sneak onto a plane on Wednesday morning. The man slipped past security guards at a perimeter check point while guards were inspecting a vehicle. He was found sleeping on a regional jet that was being worked on.
The Lambert police chief is calling this incident a “hiccup” in the system.
Don’t you feel safe now?
Mysogynistic, Funny, or Both?
A post over on MadAtoms, a blog I’ve never heard of until today, is suddenly making the rounds, thanks in part to a link from Wil Wheaton. It’s a parody of Hillary Clinton as “The Psycho Ex-Girlfriend of the Democratic Party.” And while it’s pretty goddamn amusing, I feel a little squeamish about laughing at it, since a male candidate, for obvious reasons, would never be the subject of such a parody. Whatever: Laugh or cringe, here it is, in part:
Despite all the math counting her out, Hillary Clinton fervently remains in the race to become the Democratic nominee for president in 2008. She has become the Democratic Party’s psycho ex-girlfriend, and she’s not going away without a restraining order.
It’s 2:31 AM. The Democratic Party is sleeping peacefully when it hears its phone buzz on the night stand. It rolls over and sees “Hillary” on the caller ID. It pauses briefly, considering pushing “END” and not dealing with this shit tonight. The thought is appealing but the Democratic Party knows that if it doesn’t take this call, another one is only minutes away.
DEMS: …Hello?
Hillary: Hey baby.
DEMS: C’mon Hillary. Enough with this.
Hillary: Don’t you get it? You NEED me.
DEMS: No, I don’t. It was fun while it lasted but I’m with Barack now. I made my choice, it’s done.
Hillary: You can’t really mean that. How can you say that after all the good times we had?
DEMS: To be honest, I started hanging out with you because Bill’s pretty awesome.
Hillary: But I’m just like Bill!
DEMS: No, you’re not. Bill is charismatic, inspiring, and gets me really good weed.
Hillary: Fuck you. You’re elitist!
DEMS: I’m going back to sleep.
The Daily Memo - 5/8/08
Kansas lawmakers have passed a bill requiring slower-burning cigarettes. (KAKE)
Dan Rather loves CBS so much, he’s going to keep on suing ‘em. (TV Squad)
“L.A. courts literally go to shit.” (Defamer)
Ooofta. The RIAA just got a hefty $110 million judgment against the company that used to run TorrentSpy. (Slyck News)
Hillary’s pandering proposal to bust up OPEC may not be so nutty. (Slate)
Ham on, ham on, ham on whole wheat — all right!
So there’s this dude in Long Island who runs a little music shop. And he’s been accused of selling fake Gibson guitars for $1,500 to poor, unsuspecting folks who thought these were the real deal. Last week, he was due to be arraigned, but State Supreme Court Justice Robert Doyle had to get a little creative because the accused was too fat to get into the courtroom.
How fat was he, you ask?
A svelt 500 pounds!
His lawyer brought in a doctor’s note to explain that his “severe weight problem” was due to osteoarthritis. So the judge took pitty on Fatty and held the arraignment hearing in the courthouse parking lot.
Third time’s the charm!
Nancy Warren is a democrat who represents the fine state of New Hampshire in the House. And her constituents must be a might proud of the fact that she was recently arrested for the third time in two months.
Back in March she was arrested for busting into the home of a neighbor. A month later, she was arrested for assault after tossing a drink in the man’s face. And then late last month she went to the guy’s house, in violation of a court order, which got her some nice trespassing and stalking charges. And she’s also awaiting trial on an assault charge stemming from an incident she had with her husband last year.
Live free or die!
Is a purple nurple a misdemeanor then?
Well this headline is just a peach:
Police respond to call of felony wedgification
Last month, cops in Nebraska rolled out after a 911 caller complained about a wedgie being given to his son by a boy from the neighborhood. And if you’re unsure what a wedgie is, the North Platte Bulletin is happy to explain:
A wedgie is the condition of having one’s underwear or other garmets “wedged” between the buttocks. This can occur, due to tight garments or physical activity, or performed as a prank by another person by yanking the undergarments upward, thus “giving a wedgie.”
The cop managed to calm shit down when he showed up and, thankfully, no one was Tased or arrested. But a pair of undies was taken in for questioning.
Things not to do
Don’t grow marijuana in your house.
But if you are going to grow weed, try to keep it reasonable — don’t grow 65 plants.
But if you must grow 65 plants, at least keep your house secure.
But if you don’t keep your house secure, and shit gets stolen, don’t call the cops.
But if you must call the cops, don’t report the theft of the 65 plants, plus six pounds of weed, plus a shotgun, plus some other shit.
And definitely don’t call the cops when you have three outstanding felony warrants.
Well, Yeah: That’s About Right
Only in America can you run over someone else’s dog and sue them for damage to your car:
The driver of a car that struck and killed a dog in Minnesota is suing the dog’s owners for damage done to his vehicle. Jeffery Ely was driving near Duluth, Minnesota, on January 4th when Fester, a miniature pinscher, ran into the road. Ely’s 1997 Honda Civic struck Fester, killing the 5.8-kilogram dog instantly.
Next up: Muggers suing little old ladies when they strain their shoulders yanking said old ladies’ purses away.
The brilliance of our government knows no bounds
From The Washington Times:
False identifications based on a terrorist no-fly list have for years prevented some federal air marshals from boarding flights they are assigned to protect, according to officials with the agency, which is finally taking steps to address the problem.
Federal Air Marshals (FAMs) familiar with the situation say the mix-ups, in which marshals are mistaken for terrorism suspects who share the same names, have gone on for years — just as they have for thousands of members of the traveling public.
One air marshal said it has been “a major problem, where guys are denied boarding by the airline.”
“In some cases, planes have departed without any coverage because the airline employees were adamant they would not fly,” said the air marshal, who asked not to be named because the job requires anonymity. “I’ve seen guys actually being denied boarding.”
*slaps head into desk repeatedly*
Somebody Try to Make Sense of This
The Bush Administration doesn’t even try to disguise illegalities anymore, does it?
The Dubya White House has admitted that it has no backup tapes for administration emails sent and received between March 1, 2003 and May 22, 2003.
But it says that’s not a problem.
Last October, two separate government watchdogs sued the George W. Bush administration in an effort to recover millions of messages that seem to have disappeared from White House servers.
Previously, the White House hemmed and hawed when asked if the emails were available on backup tape. But late Monday, in response to a suit from the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW), it finally acknowledged that some of its backups do not exist.
This is hardly surprising. The administration isn’t exactly organized when it comes to email. According to court filings, Duyba IT workers liked to recycle backup tapes prior to October 2003.
With its Monday declaration, the White House also says that it prefers to ignore a court order ordering the preservation of its backups. You see, the administration is now claiming that those millions of emails did not go missing - even though it has previously said that they did.
… and what is the Democratic Congress doing about it? Probably playing footsie and giggling with each other, same as always. Accountability: Catch the Fever!
The Daily Memo - 5/7/08
Stupid law students and their stupid marathon-running weekends. (Deadspin)
If ladies just billed from their hospital bed after spitting kids out (as one partner at my old firm notoriously did), this wouldn’t be a problem. (Above the Law)
“Answers to the questions associates should be afraid to ask” (and some stupid answers you shouldn’t bother reading). (Law.com)
Uma’s stalker? Two years in the clink. Two years in the clink? Uma’s stalker. (LawInfo)
Said the cow to the reporter: “It tastes like pork”
What. The. Christ? So this asshat cop in Jersey was arrested last month along with his ex-girlfriend for allegedly sexually assaulting three young girls. And now former officer Robert Melia has some new charges to add to the four pending sexual assault charges. Additional investigation has led to four counts of animal cruelty because, you guessed it, Melia had himself some cow loving back in 2006.
The part you may not have guessed is that he had the cow perform fellatio on him.
I’m just … I’m just so confused. I don’t get sexually assaulting young girls. And I really don’t get trying to get your sexual moooooooves on with a cow (see what I did there?). But I so totally do not get sticking your yum-yum in a cow’s mouth. I mean … I just died a little inside.
“Don’t have a cow man” just took a totally new meaning.
Blue-Collar Millionaire Feels Your Pain / Is It Over?
The Associated Press reports that Hillary Clinton dug into her $108 million personal worth last month and pulled out another $6.4 million, thus enabling her to more readily identify with poor, blue-collar workers who have to live from paycheck to paycheck. Because when a mill worker runs out of cash and can’t pay his mortgage, you know what he does? He just dips into his millions, of course!
Meanwhile, did anyone see Hillary’s “victory” speech last night? Her sad little, deluded victory speech? The one where she basically begged people to send her money? …
Oh, wait: This just in — Hillary has canceled all public appearances today.
Is she finally dropping out? Is it over?
That’s some action movie shit
The best stories always come from Florida:
A homeless man from Fort Pierce was arrested after authorities said he hid several weapons, including knives, in the hollow of his prosthetic leg.
Fire rescue officials picked up 64-year-old Jerry Moody from a truck stop and brought him to the emergency room. He told the staff he was armed with a loaded revolver and 23 rounds of ammunition.
He also pulled out four knives from his prosthetic leg.
Moody told police he has been robbed before and carries the weapons to protect himself.
He was arrested because he did not have a permit to carry concealed weapons.
Waffles and Sheboygan? Be still me heart.
I’ve talked before about how I love Sheboygan, Wisconsin for no other reason than it’s fun as shit to say “Sheboygan.” And if I haven’t said it before, I also love waffles. So this story is just a wonderful marriage:
A pregnant teen from Sheboygan has been charged with disorderly conduct for allegedly throwing a waffle iron at the father of her unborn child, hitting him in the head.
…
The girl was at her apartment with a 19-year-old Milwaukee man and her two sisters when one of the sisters cracked a joke. The man told police the 17-year-old girl became upset, thinking everyone was laughing at her. She stormed into a bathroom and broke a shelf.
The girl — who is five months pregnant with her third child — then returned and confronted the man, slapping him in the face. He slapped her back, and she grew more angry and began pulling on his clothes.
The girl then grabbed a waffle iron and threw it at the man, striking him in the back of the head.
The only bummer about this story is that they had to go harsh my buzz with the whole thing about the 17-year-old being pregnant with her third kid. I mean, Jesus.
Yankees Suck 60 Percent More Today
Don’t fuck with Yankees’ fans, folks. Or they will run your ass down.
A woman accused of running down a man in her car after a Red Sox-Yankees argument in a bar never hit her brakes as she accelerated toward the small group he was in, a prosecutor said Monday.
“She never braked, and she accelerated at a high speed for about 200 feet. She went directly at this group of people,” prosecutor Susan Morrell said of Ivonne Hernandez, who is charged with reckless second-degree murder in the death early Friday of Matthew Beaudoin, 29.
Authorities won’t describe the argument beforehand in Slade’s Food & Spirits, but witnesses said it heated up when Hernandez identified herself as a New York Yankees fan. Like the rest of New Hampshire, Nashua, 45 miles northwest of Boston, is Red Sox country.
Bartender Tanya Moran said the argument spilled outside, and at least one person in a group that included Beaudoin began chanting “Yankees suck!” when they saw a Yankees sticker on Hernandez’s car.
Hernandez, 43, allegedly gunned her car and struck Beaudoin and his friend Maria Hughes, 21. Hughes had only minor injuries, which Beaudoin’s sister Faith said was because her brother shielded his friend.
Hernandez, of Nashua, was arrested at the scene. She acknowledged she had been drinking and refused to take a breath-alcohol test, said Morrell, a senior assistant attorney general. Hernandez said she had been in an argument with the group.
Typical Yankees behavior, really. If they can’t beat you fairly, they resort to bitchery. Rest in peace, Sox fan. In Heaven, I hear the Sox win all the time, Ted Williams fluffs your pillows, and Curt Schilling is fitted with a permanent sock gag.
Worse than a 3 a.m. Phone Call …
Jesus: How awful would it be to receive this phone call:
An Oregon couple received a frightening phone call from their son in Afghanistan when he inadvertently called home during battle. Stephen Phillips and other soldiers in his Army MP company were battling insurgents when his phone was pressed against his Humvee. It redialed and called his parents in the small Oregon town of Otis.
Sandie Petee, Phillips’ mother, and her husband, Jeff Petee, weren’t home at the time of the call. They returned home to find a three-minute voice mail on their answering machine.
“His friend died a year ago in Iraq and I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, this may be the last time I hear my son’s voice on the phone,’” Petee said.
They heard shooting, swearing and shouted pleas for more ammunition on the phone call from their son. “They were pinned down and apparently his barrel was overheating,” said Jeff Petee. “It’s something a parent really doesn’t want to hear. It’s a heck of a message to get from your son in Afghanistan.”
The three-minute call ended abruptly.
“You could hear him saying stuff like, he needs more ammo, or he needs another barrel,” said John Petee, Phillips’ brother. “At the end, you could hear a guy saying ‘Incoming! RPG!’ And then it cut off.”
Here’s the actual phone call, for the morbidly curious. You might also want to know that Stephen Phillips is OK.
The Sunglasses Do No Good When You’re Head is Pointed Right at Them, Kerry
The Daily Memo - 5/6/08
Thurgood Marshall’s on Broadway, courtesy of Laurence Fishburne. (WSJ Law Blog)
A judge is suing a lawyer for defamation. (Law.com)
I’m not sure I was against the plan to make two streets in LA go one-way during rush hour, but a local court sure didn’t dig it. (Curbed LA)
If this obviously one-sided story is to be believed, Paul Hastings needs a trip to Oz, cause it ain’t got no heart. (Above the Law)
Sorry Canadians — the age of consent has gone up two years, so no more nookie with 14-year-olds. …Ick. (cbc.ca)
Hee. A speed camera goes all astronomy-like, catching a picture of a full moon. (BBC News)
You question will soon be answered, good sir
(From The Smoking Gun, as always.)
So what — if it’s there, you’re not supposed to hit it?
Across the pond, police sergeant Mark Downing is facing three counts of sexual assault for allegedly getting a little inappropriate with two lady officers. Last year during a barbecue, he allegedly tossed a female officer over his knee, spanked her and told her she was a “naughty girl.” He also gave her a smack on the ass once, allegedly saying “if it’s there, it’s only fair that I hit it.”
Which is just common sense, really.
Damn it people!
I’m getting fucking tired of telling you this — stop showing up to court three sheets to the wind!
A $72 traffic ticket wound up being the least of Richard Erickson’s worries when he showed up to court to fight the ticket, only to be found three times over the legal intoxication limit. Erickson was shocked at his blood results — shocked, I say — saying: “I would never intentionally come to court that way. I had nothing today.”
And he only stunk of booze because of his new Jack and Coke flavored deodorant, I’m sure.
The Empire Strikes Barack
Awesome. Really kind of awesome.
What? Why Is this the First I’m Hearing About It …
And why is the source a UK paper?
Tourists visiting the US face even tougher security checks now airport officials can search through mobile phones and laptops. Guards can download any details contained in the items and keep them indefinitely, following a new court ruling.
The latest legislation could mean lengthier queues as security copy photos, emails and phone records. Visitors already face hour-long waits while armed officers take fingerprints and photos.
Travel agents’ group Abta stormed: “It’s another ratcheting up of Fortress America. It’s certainly not a good thing for passengers - it is rather Big Brother.”
Welcome to the Land of the Free, foreigners! I wouldn’t worry too much, though: Most TSA Agents probably have no idea how to download the files on your computer.
Hillary’s Stubborn Ignorance Smacks of W’s Willful Stupidity
What does Hillary do when confronted with reason?
In the face of criticism from a slate of economists who say her gas tax holiday plan would be ineffective or even harmful, Hillary Clinton said she wasn’t taking stock of their opinions and emphasized that this was a short-term fix that would primarily benefit long-distance drivers.
“I’m not going to put my lot in with economists,” Clinton told George Stephanopolous on ABC’s ‘This Week’ after he asked her to name a single economist supporting her plan. “If we actually did it right, if we had a president who used all the tools of the presidency, we would design it in such a way that it would be implemented effectively.”
God forbid you listen to people who know what they’re talking about. Really, the last people you want to be taking advice from about the economy are economists, right? It’s almost like rejecting the advice of military experts when designing a plan to invade Iraq. I mean: What could possibly go wrong?
Stupid economists are all elitists, anyway.
The Daily Memo - 5/5/08
Sigh … the FCC think that TMZ’s TV show is a “bona fide news program.” (ALOTT5MA)
A California Superior Court’s web site makes it nice and easy-like to get Social Security numbers and other private personal info. (Computer World)
Lenny Dysktra’s got some legal hurdles holding up the second issue of his “The Players Club” magazine. (The 700 Level)
Did the Supreme’s recent ruling about photo IDs at the voting booth ignore the 24th Amendment? (Slate)
