Monthly Archives: March 2008
Kick Me in the Nuts, Please!
A Canadian man was recently sentenced to 60 days of jail time, though it’s hard to detect a crime in his actions, other than the crime of being a complete and total wackjob.
All he did, on seven occasions over a couple of months, was to ask random women in a park if they wouldn’t mind kicking him repeatedly in the testicles.
Because he was curious, of course!
One of the women, afraid of what the man might do if she refused, kicked him repeatedly.
Jarrett Loft, an Oshawa native who moved to Guelph several years ago, thanked her and left on his bike.
Coady said Loft told her he developed a “curiosity” after looking at various pornographic websites. She said she had spoken to a counsellor who assessed the man and believed his conduct was a result of curiosity rather than a mental health issue.
You’re supposed to get curious about astronomy or genealogy — who the hell suddenly becomes curious about how a kick in the junk feels? Man, there’s something wrong with people.
Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?
A reporter recently asked John McCain a fairly straightforward question, one that most 9-year-olds know the answer to, and McCain gave a response that pretty much confirms people’s fears that a McCain presidency would be a four-year-continuation of the Bush Administration:
Q: Do you think contraceptives help stop the spread of HIV?
Mr. McCain: (Long pause) You’ve stumped me.
Q: I mean, I think you’d probably agree it probably does help stop it?
Mr. McCain: (Laughs) Are we on the Straight Talk express? I’m not informed enough on it. Let me find out. You know, I’m sure I’ve taken a position on it on the past. I have to find out what my position was. Brian, would you find out what my position is on contraception – I’m sure I’m opposed to government spending on it, I’m sure I support the president’s policies on it.
I don’t know which is worse: 1) That he apparently doesn’t know that the use of condoms reduces the risk of AIDs; 2) That he doesn’t remember if he’s ever taken a position on the issue; or 3) That his fallback position is apparently whatever George Bush says.
The Daily Memo - 3/31/08
“Get Elected or Lie Trying.” (The Huffington Post)
The Daily Kos is digging through old Clinton tax returns, since Hillary has yet to release her most recent returns. (Daily Kos)
Jack Klugman is suing NBC Universal over profits from “Quincy, M.E.” because … that show still makes mad money? (TV Squad)
MA Congressman Barney Frank is planning to introduce legislation limiting the Fed’s ability to arrest pot users. Good luck with that one, Barney. (LAist)
California has softened its auto emissions requirements. (FindLaw)
The GeekLawyer has had it “with the bing drinking bollocks.” (GeekLawyer
Sleep tight and don’t let the bed bugs bite. But if they do, you’re not getting any punitive damages. (Law.com)
That should be “may it please the court to kiss my ass one more time”
Last week, Above the Law anointed Julio Mora its Pro Se Litigant of the Day, and Mr. Mora has fully earned that award. He was recently sanctioned by the Florida Supreme Court over a pleading he filed with the court, a pleading he called: “Petition to Inhibit Jurisdiction from this Very Supreme Court of Injustice.” In this petition, Mora claimed that the Court was “a pack of incompetent cowards, without balls, testicles, courage or valor.” Then he went on this wonderful tirade, urging the Court to:
“[T]ake this case and the ultimate decision, if ever, and please shovel it to the chief justice and every other justice’s asshole, in order to have a common place to store the justices’ crap, together with the justice crap from their’s mind, properly disposed through the sewer system, in order to prevent the contaminants to reach the citizen of Florida, and also kiss Julio Mora’s the idiot seeking justice, kiss his asshole every time the justice will retire going to their den…. Please kiss my ass one more time.”
At least he said “please.” But those sticklers in the Florida Supreme Court weren’t amused, and said the court would no longer accept Mora’s pro se filings, and that anything he wanted to file would have to be signed by a Florida attorney. Too bad Jack Thompson has also been so sanctioned, cause I bet he’d sign Mora’s filings in a heartbeat.
They’re Not Saying “Boooo!” They’re Saying “Buuuuush”
Starbucks to the court: would like a grande “fuck you” or a venti “fuck you”
Last week, a Cali court said that Starbucks had to pay a hefty $100 million because shift supervisors were taking a cut of employee tips, violating a California law prohibiting managers and supervisors from taking money from tip jars. The court also issued an injunction prohibiting shift supervisors from continuing to take tips.
Starbucks has now issued a statement telling the court to fuck off. It says that its shift supervisors have no managerial authority and therefore don’t fall under the California law, even though the court found otherwise. So not only will it not pay the judgment, but it won’t tell its shift supervisors to stop taking tips.
Yeah, that’s not just a venti “fuck you,” but a triple venti soy “fuck you” with room for cream.
Uhm … ouch
Mandi Hamlin is a bit pissed off with the Transportation Security Administration. Last month, while trying to catch a flight from Lubbock, Texas to Dallas-Forth Worth, Hamlin was selected for additional screening. When the TSA officer waved his magic wand over across her chest, Hamlin’s nipple rings sent the wand a-buzzing. The officer called another officer over, and then they called some more, and eventually everyone decided that Hamlin would have to remove the rings. Hamlin tried to explain that this wasn’t a great option for her since it can be painful to remove nipple rings and the piercing can close up shortly after the rings are out, making it even more painful to get them back in.
Hamlin offered to show them her nipple rings to show that she wasn’t smuggling anything elicit. The officers declined this request, and insisted that she take them out. So Hamlin went behind a curtain to take them out, but had to request pliers (!) to get them out, because of the difficulty she was having in removing them.
Another scan, after she had finally removed the nipple rings, buzzed again because of her naval ring, but the officers said she didn’t need to remove that since they could see it. Which makes it especially ridiculous that they weren’t willing to simply do a visual inspection of her nipple rings. Plus, the TSA guidelines allow for officers to do pat-downs, and Hamlin says she would’ve let someone give her a grope if it could’ve avoided having to remove the rings. All of which is why Hamlin and her lawyer, Gloria Allred, now want a public apology from the TSA. If no apology is given, Allred says that Hamlin will consider her other legal options (and the safe bet is certainly on an ensuing lawsuit).
The TSA has published a statement on its website noting that its procedures have caused some trouble and that the agency will now make it clear that a visual inspection can avoid the need to remove piercings. The statement also notes that the TSA “appreciates” Hamlin bringing this issue to the forefront, but there’s nary an apology to be seen.
You know, there are just so many breast jokes to be had here, but I’m going to take the high road. Don’t expect this to become a regular tradition, however. I just hate the damn TSA and their stupid administration of “security” and don’t want to belittle the whole thing with titty jokes.
He also forgot to ask the kid why he’s such a pussy
In Fayetteville, Arkansas, the story of little Billy Wolfe has caught some national attention. Billy and his mom have filed a lawsuit over the years of bullying Billy has suffered. But they’re not suing the school or the city — instead, they’re suing the other kids, the bullies themselves.
Now first of all, come on. I can understand suing the school district if it’s not doing the things it’s supposed to do to protect the kids. But suing another kid for being an asshole bully? I mean, I could’ve filed three or four of those lawsuits when I was in school, but what good would’ve come of that? In fact, I just would’ve gotten my ass kicked more.
Second of all, I saw an interview on CNN with the 16-year-old Billy Wolfe last week, and was shocked that the interviewer didn’t ask the most pertinent question: “Billy, why don’t you just Daniel LaRusso it, and find a Mr. Miyagi-type to teach you the wax-on, wax-off?”
Hands Down, the Best Video of the Campaign
Just as political video fatigue had begun to set in, QL pal Beckyloo found this gem. It starts out amusing and slowly unfolds like a flower in the springtime, then it sprays its guffaw spittle all over your fucking face. It is haunting comedy, comedy that haunts.
It’s genius, folks. Pure fucking genius.
But Bigfoot Made Me Do It!
A 57-year-old New Hampshire man, Gene Morrill, pleaded guilty this week to 20 charges stemming from his efforts to solicit sex from a 13-year-old over the Internet. He was ordered by a judge to serve 20 years in prison, even though he had a perfectly legitimate excuse for his actions:
Because he was molested by Bigfoot when he was a child. And look at the guy’s photo — makes sense to me!
Morrill reportedly told an investigator preparing his pre-sentence report that he had been sexually assaulted by the legendary Bigfoot. Patton said Morrill really believes the assaulted happened.
I dunno about you, but I think that’s a pretty goddamn good excuse: Molestation by a mythical creature might drive anyone to pedophilia.
The Daily Memo - 3/28/08
A lawsuit says that if the Large Hadron Collider goes live the end could be nigh. (Slashdot)
Disney World + Mad Tea Cup Ride + long line = charge of battery with a deadly weapon. (Above the Law)
The dude who let his girlfriend sit on the toilet for two years has been arrested for exposing himself to a neighbor’s teenage daughter and her friends. This guy’s all class. (FindLaw)
Well, I can’t take pity on men of his kind, even though he now takes it in the behind. Date rape! (LawInfo)
Rector? I hardly knew her! (WT&E Prof Blog)
A dude who threatened to kill a judge was sentenced to 10 days in jail per word he uttered, racking up a nice 700 days in the clink. (WSJ Law Blog)
A Pennsylvania judge has ordered three men to learn English lest they get tossed in the clink. (FindLaw)
Santa Clause … the Tooth Fairy … Ankles?
This is the stupidest legal fight I’ve heard in some time — down in Texas, doctors and podiatrists are battling over whether ankles exist. Seems that the state licensing board had been defining ankles as part of the foot, meaning podiatrists could work on people’s ankles. An appellate court has now ruled that the licensing board was overstepping its authority. Podiatrists are pissed, saying there’s no such thing as an ankle:
You don’t have an ankle…. The foot actually includes the ankle. If you took the foot off the leg, there is nothing lying there that’s the the ankle.
Which is fucking ridiculous, as one orthopedic surgeon points out:
If they say the ankle doesn’t exist, why do they want to operate on it? Everyone knows what an ankle is.
Well look, maybe I don’t know what an ankle is. But I’ll tell you this — I know what a cankle is. It’s fucking gross, that’s what.
Carmel, Indiana is a filthy and heathenous city!
Carmel, Indiana’s City Council recently considered a non-binding resolution that would’ve made the place a “family friendly city.” The resolution was defeated 5-2, much to the disappointment of co-sponsor Eric Seidensticker, who said: “This was all about ‘let’s make Carmel a G-rated city.’” Supporters of the proposal include folks who went against Victoria’s Secret last year to get them to stop showing off lingerie in their local store window because, why in the world why they use such naughty sexual imagery to sell lingerie?
Mmmmmm … sausage
Well, uhm, yuck. Last week, Jack McClanahan was smacked with a $10,000 fine and three years probation. Seems that the good Mr. McClanahan was getting poached animals and using them to make “black market sausage.” This sausage was made in his dirty garage and, as a result, much of it was tainted (for example, bullets had been caught in the grinder, meaning McClanahan was shaving lead into his sausage every time he ground up new meat). McClanahan got busted by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Services after an 18-month sting operation in Iowa and Nebraska (which also roped up 30 poachers).
Happily, however, the court has allowed the former butcher to continue making sausage for his own family. So all is still right with the world.
I Stand Corrected
… my bad.
In: Things Not to Do with a Microwave
Among the things you shouldn’t do with your microwave: Don’t put metal or tin foil in the microwave, don’t leave utensils in microwave, don’t microwave eggs (explode), CDs (even though it’s really pretty), kitchen sponges (they will ignite), grapes (burst), or lightbulbs (releases dangerous chemicals into the air).
But most importantly, don’t microwave your baby. It’ll get you 25 years in the clink. Joshua Mauldin learned the hard way, after microwaving his baby for 20 seconds, resulting in second and third degree burns, which necessitated two skin grafts and the partial amputation of the baby’s left ear.
Joshua Mauldin should get far more than 25 years. He should be thrown into nuclear waste.
If ever a homicide was justified… Part II
Earlier today, Seth gave us a story about a man who shot his wife for turning off the TV, definitely a case where the punishment fits the crime. Likewise, Hughstan Schlicker, a 15-year-old teenager, shot his father in the head with a shotgun, killing him. But he had an even better reason for murdering his father: His Dad took away his access to MySpace! Scoundrel!
Schlicker said he often spent entire days on MySpace and couldn’t cope when his father cut off his access to the site.
“It felt like I was stabbed with a knife and it went straight through and … no matter how hard I pulled, I couldn’t pull out the knife,” Schlicker said, according to an interview transcript in the police report.
To be fair, however, Schlicker did express remorse during a police interview, telling detectives “I wish I didn’t do this,” and “I miss Dad.”
Welcome to the MySpace Generation, America!
The Daily Memo - 3/27/08
Obama is related to Brad Pitt and Hillary is related to Angelina? Does that mean Hillary and Obama are going to start adopting dozens of African babies? (USA Today)
Oooooooooo, living on a prayer. Ooooo-OOOOOOH, I’m swerving there. (Defamer)
The U.S. News & World Report law school rankings have leaked! Now you don’t have to wait all the way until tomorrow! (Above the Law)
Obama/Pitt has posted his tax returns so where, pray tell, are Hillary/Jolie’s? (Time)
“Why people fake their death.” Well, Homer Simpson did it to get out of some cleaning, which makes sense to me. (WT&E Prof Blog)
Mmmmmmm … tacos. (Above the Law)
If ever a homicide was justified…
In Rostraver, Pennsylvania, Thomas Gay Wickerham is facing up to 40 years in the clink for killing his wife. He pleaded guilty to third-degree murder, saying that he just “went berserk” and that his wife “made me shoot her” back in February 2005.
Now, I don’t support shooting your wife. And I really don’t support doing it in front of your poor children.
But here’s the thing. Wickerham says that his wife turned off the TV, which is what triggered his rage. I mean, if he was right in the middle of watching a game or “Lost” or “Top Chef,” well, as I say, you might make a case that this shit was justified. Of course, if he was watching something like “Two and a Half Men” or something with Larry the Cable Guy, he deserves the chair.
What a coinky-dink
“Well sure, I totally killed my brother,” admits Jeffrey Gilham about his brother’s 1993 murder. But what about the fact that their parents were also found dead, all three having been stabbed with the same knife, in the same way, on the same night? “Sheer coincidence,” said Gilham.
And a bonus nod to a software programmer accused of killing his estranged wife. He doesn’t claim any coincidences like the good Mr. Gilham, but he does admit that he’s an asshole. Asshole, yes. Murderer, no.
Next time, you’re better off just suffering through your angina attack on your own
In England, I gather that 999 is the equivalent of our 911 here in the states. So when an 83-year-old heart patient called 999 and asked for help, an ambulance was sent to the scene. When the ambulance arrived, paramedic Stephen Canning wound up twisted his ankle when a light outside the house went out. And so, naturally, he’s now suing the 83-year-old and his younger 82-year-old wife, who say the whole thing “has left a very sour taste in the mouth.”
I think that’s just the angina backwash.
IRS Joins YouTube Generation
I think I preferred the IRS before it got all hip on us.
Retail Giant Kicks Handicapped Woman in Teeth
Here’s a heartwarming story for you: Debbie Shank, a former employee for Wal-Mart, was involved in a work-related accident eight years ago that left her brain damaged, in a wheel chair, and with a loss of a short term memory. Last year, her son died in the war in Iraq; however, because of Shank’s short-term memory problems, every time she’s told her son is dead, she hears it for the first time.
But, wait for the good news: Thanks to Wal-Mart’s stupendous healthcare plan, they paid $470,000 in her medical bills. In addition, Shank sued the trucking company responsible for her accident and won an additional $1 million, which came to just around $417,000 after attorneys fees.
But guess what? Wal-Mart has a fine print clause that says if an employee sues and recovers damages, Wal-Mart can recoup money received. So, what did Wal-Mart do? You betcha! They sued a brain-damaged, handicapped woman with a dead son for $400,000!
And they won!
Good for Wal-Mart! You gotta stick to your principles — no exceptions! Not even for a woman whose husband (who just underwent treatment for prostate cancer himself) had to divorce her just so she could get on Medicare!
Wal-Mart spokesman John Simley, who called Debbie Shank’s case “unbelievably sad,” replied in a statement: “Wal-Mart’s plan is bound by very specific rules. … We wish it could be more flexible in Mrs. Shank’s case since her circumstances are clearly extraordinary, but this is done out of fairness to all associates who contribute to, and benefit from, the plan.”
He then went on: “What the hell does a cripple retard need with $400,000 anyway? More straws?”
If you would’ve taught my kids better-like, they wouldn’t be so stupid
An Australian father has sued a private school for $400,000 in fees he paid the school for his twin sons after they flunked their final exams. Steven Weybury says that all the money he spent for twelve years of schooling was a waste:
Mr Weybury - a partner in a city law firm - claims he warned the school that his boys were headed for academic disaster in their final year and attempted to remove them at the end of year 11.
But school bosses persuaded him to let the boys stay on and assured him that they could cope emotionally and academically, he claims.
“The boys did not successfully complete year 12 in any respect,” court documents allege.
Essentially, Weybury is giving his sons the most important lesson at all — if you can’t achieve, sue. And, actually, it’s a lesson that a British Columbia man is trying to give his second grader, too, suing his son’s teacher because she didn’t encourage his spelling efforts or send him a daily homework list which, the father says, amounted to her “purposely and maliciously worked to damage the self-esteem” of his son. Ridiculous.
The Daily Memo - 3/26/08
Seriously, Dahlia Lithwick always has the best headlines: “Jail of Two Cities — The Supreme Court Gives the Right to Habeas Corpus a Swirly.” (Slate)
The Second Circuit told airline passengers that they can’t have a state-granted Bill of Rights. (LAist)
Fox does a solid and tells the FCC to go fuck itself. (Defamer)
Jonathan Lee Riches isn’t just the pro se litigant of the day, damn it — he’s the pro se litigant of every day! (Above the Law)
If your cash smells like weed, you might just get arrested. (FindLaw)
The Iraq vet who sued Michael Moore of Fahrenheit 9/11 just had his lawsuit dinged. (WSJ Law Blog)
Are you kidding me?
You know, we get some ridiculous e-mails in the QuizLaw mailbag now and again from folks looking for legal advice; despite disclaimers that we can’t dole out the legal advice, they ask anyway. And trust me, some of these e-mails are amazing. Yet, we’ve never published one, because even with name changes and what not, I don’t want to mock these people. …I’m a gentle soul like that.
But this one is different. This is the first time we’ve gotten an e-mail question which is so obviously a homework assignment. I mean, I didn’t even have to change the names thanks to the typical law exam names already in place (and all the typos come from the original):
I have a question…. what do you think would be the outcome and why for the following case:
Dr green treats a patient for a broken ancle but fails to notice a bone protruting from the upper leg. He treated the patient, but because of his failure to notice the protruding bone, the mans leg became infected and had to be amputated. Green then Informed Dr. Blade, the hospitals surgeon of what needed to be done. During the surgery, Blade got mixed up and amputated the wrong leg, and when he found out, he then amputated the correct leg. Ned, the patient is sueing both Dr Green and Dr. Blade.
Please explain the tort that has been committed and the aruguments that can be used for Ned (the plaintiff) and the likely liability which can be imposed on each of the parties.
I mean, come on.
But I’ll open the floor to our readers — pray tell, what is the answer to our illustrious e-mailer’s quandary?
I Can’t Control the Hillary Rage …
In response to criticism leveled at Barack Obama for not leaving the church where the racially divisive Jeremiah Wright was a pastor, Hillary — clearly grasping at straws in light of her “misspakement” — had this to say: “He would not have been my pastor. You don’t choose your family, but you choose what church you want to attend.”
Ha! She would’ve left a church with a controversial preacher, but she wouldn’t leave her husband when he fucked half of Little Rock and D.C.? What happened to stand by your man, Hillary? That’s all Barack was doing. And at least Jeremiah Wright didn’t run the risk of giving Obama an STD.
Goddamnit, Hillary: You’re making me lash out at Bill, and I don’t want to lash out at Bill, but I’m starting to understand why the right detests you so much — it’s infectious.
Update: Hillary’s former minister comes out in support of Jeremiah Wright — does that mean Hillary would leave her old church, too?
Oh, and FYI:
Pick-up Lines 101
In Singapore, the situation is pretty dire. With a low birth rate and an increasingly aging population that is becoming more passionless by the moment, the government felt it was time to step in.
It was time….for flirting classes.
Wanna know what love is? Ask a Singaporean lecturer.
In an effort to boost the city-state’s low birth rate, Singapore’s Ngee Ann Polytechnic has launched a government-backed course teaching students about flirting and relationships. Subjects include love song analysis, speed-dating and online chatting.
“My teacher said if a guy looks into my eyes for more than five seconds, it could mean that he is attracted to me and I stand a chance,” 18-year-old student Isabel Seet was quoted as saying by the local Straits Times newspaper.
The course, “Understanding Relationships: Love and Sexuality”, is taught by an official from the Social Development Unit, the government’s match-making agency.
It has become so popular since its inception in October last year that the school has had to recruit another trainer, the polytechnic’s spokeswoman told Reuters.
The course is intended to provide an “understanding of the fundamentals of human relationships” and is one of two offered by Singapore’s polytechnics to encourage young Singaporeans to get married, the newspaper said.
I am soooo moving to Singapore. My chances would improve, like, 200 percent!
I’ve stapled my business card right to the legislation, so it’ll be easy to call me when you get arrested
A Massachusetts state representative, James Fagan, has introduced legislation that would essentially make it illegal to drive after having any booze at all. His bill would lower the state’s blood-alcohol limit from .08 to .02. Fagan says that he’s all for drinking, he just doesn’t want folks getting behind the wheel with any booze in their system.
Which is all well and good. But a cynic might focus on the portion of the article noting that Fagan has represented thousands of DUI defendants in court and think that this is just an attempt to drum up more business. But I’m no cynic. No sir, not I.
Ding Ding Ding! We Have a Winner!
…For the most blatant, punditry motherfuckering of the day, and it comes from Patrick Buchanan, racist dipshit and ass stain on America:
America has been the best country on earth for black folks. It was here that 600,000 black people, brought from Africa in slave ships, grew into a community of 40 million, were introduced to Christian salvation, and reached the greatest levels of freedom and prosperity blacks have ever known.
[Jeremiah] Wright ought to go down on his knees and thank God he is an American.
Second, no people anywhere has done more to lift up blacks than white Americans. Untold trillions have been spent since the ’60s on welfare, food stamps, rent supplements, Section 8 housing, Pell grants, student loans, legal services, Medicaid, Earned Income Tax Credits and poverty programs designed to bring the African-American community into the mainstream.
Appalling! I didn’t realize, Pat, that welfare, food stamps, rent supplements, Pell grants, student loans and legal services, et. al., were exclusively for black people. Actually, I received Pell grants and student loans and half my deadbeat family survives on food stamps. Oh, wait: I see. What you’re saying is that all African-Americans are impoverished welfare recipients who buy crack with food stamps! Sorry for the confusion.
Name that Constitutional Right!
Erie, Pennsylvania’s first ever female firefighter was recently fired from her job after it was revealed that she burned down her father’s house in an apparent suicide attempt. No charges were filed, however:
Fire Chief Tony Pol wrote in Wolski’s April 2007 termination letter that setting the December 2006 fire made her unsuited to be a firefighter because she posed a danger to others and herself. She was hired in 1997.
Her lawyer, Paul Susko, said officials violated her constitutional rights and lacked evidence to uphold the firing.
Can anyone name the constitutional right being violated? Cause I sure as hell can’t. Due process, perhaps?
See people, I told you!
A little over a year ago, I included Oprah on Pajiba’s First Annual (Sh)It List. Well now her Harpo Studios production company has been sued by a woman who claims that she was injured during a taping of Oprah’s show when audience members dashed for the best seats in the house. Orit Greenberg is seeking about fifty grand from the December 2006 incident, claiming that she was pushed down a flight of stairs by the mad crowd.
Do you see people? Now do you understand? This Oprah madness leads to mass hysteria!
The Daily Memo - 3/25/08
Note to Philly cops — you’re supposed to drive the suspect away in the cop car. You’re not supposed to let them take off on their own. (6abc)
Folks in Colorado are pushing for a Human Life Amendment to the state constitution, defining life as beginning at fertilization. (The Denver Channel)
Oakley has filed a patent infringement lawsuit against Fox and Marvel over knock-off promotional shades. (PatentlyO)
Lawyers making masturbatory gestures at a judge? You better believe that’s a jailing.(Statesman)
The Justice Department’s Antitrust Division has approved the proposed XM/Sirius merger. (Engadget)
Gibson Guitar hates it when people have fun with fake guitars, so it’s suing over Guitar Hero. (Above the Law)
Overlawyered’s got a new design and I, for one, am disappointed — the pink was distinctive, and this is rather generic. (Overlawyered)
So are you suggesting that a defense lawyer might lie to the press? Inconceivable! (WSJ Law Blog)
Can you hear me now?
A cab driver in Hamm, Germany, was in court for using his cell phone while driving. Like many states in the U.S., Germany has banned the use of cell phones while driving unless the driver is using a hands-free set. Walter Klein got busted driving with his cellphone being held against his ear, and you know how the rest of the story plays out.
Except, you don’t. Because while in court, Klein claimed that he wasn’t actually talking on the phone. Rather, he was using the warm and just-recharged phone to keep his ears warm. “I had an earache and it was being made worse because the cab had not heated up yet…. So I grabbed the phone that had been on charge and put it to my ear, and that was when I was stopped by police.” And the court bought his story because Klein also had his telephone bill with him, showing that the phone had not, in fact, been used at the time he was busted.
It’s only a matter of time, now, until someone makes earmuffs out of some old cell phones, right? That would be awesome.
He’s back, ladies and gentlemen!
This isn’t as grand as some of his previous complaints, but Jonathan Lee Riches (still without the former copyright claim to his name) has filed a lawsuit against Eliot Spitzer and his wife Silda. The March 17 complaint, while short, is a peach:
This is a sexual harassment suit. Gov. Spitzer is try to sell me for prison prostitution labor to Albany Legislators. Spitzer threatened to take my money like he did with Grasso. All corporate convictions Spitzer used the fines to pay for prostitutes for himself and implants for Silva. I’m personally offended, I seek a restraining order against him.
Riches may be crazy, but at least he’s up on his current events! And if it’s any comfort, Jonathan, I don’t think you’re the only one who’s personally offended.
(A PDF of the complaint can be found here.)
Mispoke, Lied. Tomatoes. Tahmatoes. Let’s Call the Whole Thing …
For those of you not keeping tabs on the latest campaign gaffe by His Girl Jackass, it goes something like this: In a speech last week, Hillary Clinton suggested that in a 1996 goodwill tour to Bosnia, her plane landed in the midst of sniper fire and the welcoming ceremony was canceled; instead, she had to run with her head down to get to the vehicles to get to base.
I don’t know why she felt the need to tell everyone she was in grave danger. But whatever the reason, Sinbad (yeah, that Sinbad) called her on it. See, Sinbad was also on that tour, and he said of the experience: “The ‘scariest’ part of the trip was wondering where he’d eat next. ‘I think the only ‘red-phone’ moment was: ‘Do we eat here or at the next place.’” He continued:
“I never felt that I was in a dangerous position. I never felt being in a sense of peril, or ‘Oh, God, I hope I’m going to be OK when I get out of this helicopter or when I get out of his tank.’”
In her Iowa stump speech, Clinton also said, “We used to say in the White House that if a place is too dangerous, too small or too poor, send the First Lady.”
Say what? As Sinbad put it: “What kind of president would say, ‘Hey, man, I can’t go ‘cause I might get shot so I’m going to send my wife…oh, and take a guitar player and a comedian with you.’”
Well, after Sinbad’s statement picked up steam and several videos showed that she was in no danger during the goodwill tour, Hillary’s campaign came out to say that she’d “misspoke.”
Knowing a little about dictionaries, I took the liberty of looking up the word misspoke, and according to dictionary.com, it means: “To speak inaccurately, inappropriately, or too hastily.” That’s not actually what Hillary did here; she may have “misspoke” when she said that she “misspoke,” but she didn’t misspeak when she said she landed in Bosnia in the midst of sniper fire: She fucking lied.
Second Time’s the Charm
Israel G. Grossman is a helluva guy. Seems that the attorney thought it would be a good idea to pass confidential financial information to his friends and family, information that got them about $1.5 million in profits. And well, yeah, turns out the government frowns on that sorta shit. So back in 1987, Grossman was convicted for charges related to insider trading, and was told he owed the SEC a cool $2.5 million. He also got himself disbarred, since lawyers kinda aren’t supposed to do this kind of thing.
But then he got himself reinstated to the bar in 2003.
And now he’s been disbarred again. Turns out the Bar frowns on folks lying on applications. For example, when an application asks if you’ve been convicted for violating investment-related statutes, insider trading usually counts. And when you apply for reinstatement to the bar and conveniently forget to mention those applications you lied on? That’s a tasty double-fraud sandwich right there.
Hillary Clinton Has the Freshest Ringtones
Fatty Fatty Boom Ba Latty!
I don’t know if they still do this or not, but a few years ago, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee pushed through legislation that required schools to grade a child’s weight on their report cards, thinking it might decrease the state’s problem with obesity (in fact, though it was very controversial, I think it worked in shaming some parents to lay off the Burger King).
But if you think that’s bad, over in the United Kingdom, one set of parents is being threatened by social services, who told the parents that their six children would be taken away if they didn’t get their weight under control.
Their parents have been told to send the children, the oldest of whom is 12, to dance and football lessons to shed pounds—or risk losing them.
The family claim the slimming deadline was set at a meeting with child protection officers last Thursday.
They say they were warned that all six children could be taken into care unless significant improvements are seen by June.
For the record, there’s a 12 year old in the family who weighs 16 stone (which converts, roughly, into 220 pounds), a three-year old who weighs 56 pounds, and a 21-month old who weighs 26 pounds. In other words: Average weight for an American child.
Note: This sort of thing is not unheard of in the United States, either — social services recently attempted to take a 250 pound nine-year-old away from her parents for neglect. (Hat Tip: Overlawyered.)
Those Pro-Lifers are Serious …
So get this: An Idaho Strawberry farmer was so adamant about his pro-life beliefs that he changed his middle name to “Pro-Life” and ran as a Senate candidate back in 2006. However, because Idaho laws prohibit the use of slogans in the voting booth, Marvin Pro-Life Richardson was denied the use of his middle name on the ballot.
Easy peasy: He just changed his full legal name to Pro-Life. Now, the Secretary of State apparently has no choice but to allow his name on the ballot. And Pro-Life claims that he has every intention of running for office every two years, “advocating murder charges for doctors who perform abortions and for women who obtain the procedure.”
He’ll be running against Senator Larry Craig this year, who may officially change his name to: Disgraced Gay Senator.
The Daily Memo - 3/24/08
A proposed Maryland bill says “stop pinching your neighbors wifi for free, you fucking leech.” (The Herald-Mail)
Starbucks has to put $100 million back into California tip jars. (LAist)
Boston’s Mintz Levin is being sued by a labor associate for gender discrimination. (Above the Law)
Yikes. “At least 15 military service members or their relatives are believed to have been infected with hepatitis by a nurse suspected of stealing their painkillers during surgery.” (FindLaw)
Well, sadly, it was only a matter of time before the fight over Heath Ledger’s estate fired up. (WT&E Prof Blog)
Judge to lawyer: “Uhm, yeah, sorry about the whole putting-you-in-shackles business.” (WSJ Law Blog)
A battle is brewing over the arrest of a drug dealer who took photos of undercover cop cars and refused to delete them. (TBO.com)
Dude, I got like so drunk last night….
Well, at least it doesn’t say “penis” on his forehead:
(From the bastion of all great mugshots, The Smoking Gun.)
Great Moments in the World of Irony
Now, it takes a truly rare individual to pull some thing like this off. It seems one Krystal Evans of Crescent City, California, had submitted a urine sample for drug testing. It was only afterwards that she realized that the test might come out positive, leading to her arrest. So she did what any rational being would do: she got her friend and fellow testee, Denise McClure, to help her steal the sample from the delivery truck carrying it.
After the two flagged down the southbound van, Evans told the driver she’d forgotten to put something in a package and asked that the back of the van be opened, Riese said. McClure then grabbed a bag of urine samples and started to look for Evans’ test, Riese said.
The driver heard one of the women say, “I gotta get the stuff or I’ll go to prison,” and after he threatened to call law enforcement, they fled, leaving the samples behind, Riese said.
But here is where it becomes a Great Moment in the World of Irony:
It turned out that Evans’ urine tested clean, but an oral swab test conducted after the attempted theft came back positive for methamphetamine, Riese said.
Over at Slate, Akhil Reed Amar has an interesting piece where he lays out his theory for Obama and Hillary not just sharing a ticket, but sharing the presidency. Thanks to the 25th Amendment, Amar breaks down how they could cycle the presidency back and forth, re-appointing the other as VP when the power shifts hands (yes, they’d need Congressional approval, but Amar thinks that they’d get it if it was clear from the get go that this is the reason they were being elected). Amar also notes that they could milk this relationship for a full 16-year reign, each ultimately winning two elections as the “above the fold” candidate, and each serving eight years as the nominal President.
Is it an interesting proposition? Sure. Legal? Yup. Likely? Of course not. But it’s a fun Monday morning read.
Talk about holiday spirit
I know, this is a bit late, but I just found out about it. It seems some savvy fellows in Marietta, Ohio figured copious amounts of alcohol wasn’t enough to get properly f—ked up for St. Patrick’s Day.
Undercover agents from a multicounty task force say they watched a drug deal go down at a Marietta home Monday, and the crack cocaine stood out. Food coloring had been used to turn it green.
“I don’t know if they’re Irish or not,” Washington County Sheriff Larry R. Mincks said of the five suspects. “They could be, I suppose. Or maybe they just wanted to celebrate the holiday.”
The sheriff has seen colorful cocaine before. One spring, a deputy arrested someone carrying purple crack rocks, and a few years back, deputies confiscated some that had been dyed red. It was Christmastime.
I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait for the Independence Day red, white, and blue hash bricks!
I am your deeentiiiiist…..
A dentist was found passed out in his office with a gas mask pumping nitrous oxide over his face.
A Long Island dentist was arrested yesterday after he was found by a patient unconscious and inhaling nitrous oxide, commonly known as laughing gas, in his office, police said.
The patient had an appointment at Dr. Norman Rubin’s Smithtown office, but when he got there, saw no sign of activity.
Rubin, 45, was found in a treatment room “unresponsive and drooling, and he had the gas mask on his face,” said Lt. Kevin Burke.
Medics rushed to the scene and revived the dentist. Rubin was charged with inhalation of hazardous inhalants.
When asked if any giant, singing Venus flytraps from outer space or masochistic Bill Murrays were involved, there was no comment.
War is a Bitch…
…but at least it’s got a beat you can dance to!
Happy Friday, y’all. Leave work now and go play some Call of Duty 4!
Attorneys in Colorado had an interesting case on their hands this week. The matter involved Ralph Ridenour, a 91-year-old man (!) who had been accused of sexual assault “after a nurse at the Palisade nursing home where he lived said he threatened to rape her, pulled her pants down and held onto her sleeve while she tried to escape.”
The attorneys spent all morning arguing over whether the man was fit to stand trial.
Turns out: Not so much — he died a month ago. If it wasn’t for the fact he has already been cremated, I suspect the attorneys would have Bernied him into the courtroom and made his corpse suffer through a trial. After all, there’s no sense in wasting a good legal argument.
You gotta love the compassion of the district attorney, though. When he was told that Ridenour was dead, the D.A. responded, “That’s a relief for public safety.” He was 91, suffered from dementia, and lived in a fucking nursing home: Just how dangerous a menace was he to society?
Bill O’ Asshat sent a camera crew out yesterday to attack Arianna Huffington for something painfully absurd: Comments left by deranged hate mongers (represent!) on The Huffington Post, including something about how one guy hopes that Tony Snow’s cancer comes back. This is part and parcel of Bill O’Reillys latest attacks on legitimate political blogs (like The Daily Kos) who aren’t particularly vigilant in the way the delete comments. Man, if we were asked to delete all the mean-spirited comments on QuizLaw, well: We’d just have to ban our buddy Bill Weldon, wouldn’t we?
It’s dumb. Plain fucking dumb — bloggers have enough problems trying to weed out spam, and now Bill O’ expects them to wade through every goddamn comment and delete all the offensive ones. Worse: He accuses Huffington of exploiting those commenters for financial gain.
Well, the only reason that Bill O’Reilly doesn’t get a ton of comments (most of which would be equally or more offensive — those right wing nutjobs know how to spew the hate) is because that dillhole actually charges $50 a year for the right to leave comments on his poorly trafficked blog.
Jealous much, Bill? Because you’re not reaping financial rewards and otherwise capitalizing on that huge puss-filled bag of douche you call your audience?
Check the video:
The Daily Memo - 3/21/08
Great court transcript, or greatest court transcript? (Above the Law)
Hahahahaha … suck it Scooter Libby. (FindLaw
And yeah, Jack Thompson, you can suck it too. (Above the Law)
But not you, New Hampshirites — you can’t suck it. But you can smoke it, in small amounts. Maybe (but not likely). (The Chronic Corner)
And you Germans, you can keep on anonymously sucking down the illegal files. (TorrentFreak)
The 26 associates at Thelan Reid? Yeah, they can suck it long and hard. (WSJ Law Blog)
But most of all, this Daily Memo can take this tired exercise in sucking it and … suck it.
I have so many questions…
(Hat tip to the anonymous editor over at Blawg Review.)
The best court opinion I’ve read since the last great one
I love judges that have fun writing their opinions. Judge Samuel B. Kent, of the United States District Court for the Southern District of Texas, is clearly one such judge:
Before proceeding further, the Court notes that this case involves two extremely likable lawyers, who have together delivered some of the most amateurish pleadings ever to cross the hallowed causeway into Galveston, an effort which leads the Court to surmise but one plausible explanation. Both attorneys have obviously entered into a secret pact — complete with hats, handshakes and cryptic words — to draft their pleadings entirely in crayon on the back sides of gravy-stained paper place mats, in the hope that the Court would be so charmed by their child-like efforts that their utter dearth of legal authorities in their briefing would go unnoticed. Whatever actually occurred, the Court is now faced with the daunting task of deciphering their submissions.
With Big Chief tablet readied, thick black pencil in hand, and a devil-may-care laugh in the face of death, life on the razor’s edge sense of exhilaration, the Court begins.
Other nuggets from the summary judgment opinion:
A more bumbling approach is difficult to conceive — but wait folks. There’s More! ….
The Court cannot even begin to comprehend why this case was selected for reference. It is almost as if Plaintiff’s counsel chose the opinion by throwing long range darts at the Federal Reporter….
Despite the continued shortcoming of Plaintiff’s supplemental submission, the Court commends Plaintiff for his vastly improved choice of crayon — Brick Red is much easier on the eyes than Goldenrod, and stands out much better amidst the mustard splotched about Plaintiff’s briefing. But at the end of the day, even if you put a calico dress on it and call it Florence, a pig is still a pig….
In either case, the Court cautions Plaintiff’s counsel not to run with a sharpened writing utensil in hand — he could put his eye out.
Attorney-client privilege ain’t all it’s cracked up to be
Well this is a really depressing story. Alton Long has been sitting in jail since 1982 for killing a McDonald’s security guard. He’s claimed innocence the whole time and now two lawyers have come forth to say that their former client admitted way back in ‘82 that he was, in fact, the murderer. But thanks to the attorney-client privilege, they couldn’t speak out about it without his consent. They did get him to agree that they could speak about it after his death and so, now that he’s died, they’re out telling their story.
It’s a real catch-22 these two lawyers were in — ethically, they were bound to keep silent. But what about morally? Hell of a pickle, and while non-lawyers might say these guys are scumbags for not speaking up, it’s really not that simple (as they say, if they had spoken up without their client’s permission, they almost surely wouldn’t have been able to testify in court anyway). The attorney-client privilege is an important and necessary thing, but it ain’t always easy.
A video two-fer
With a hat tip to Above the Law comes GW’s “Real Men of Law School:”
Public interest is totally for gays and hippies! (Note to the wife of a certain other QuizLaw contributor — reread that last line five time a night for the next two weeks!)
And with a hat tip to Legal Antics comes this video of … uhm … yeah:
Self Explaining Mugshots ….
On the right, Justin Beebe, arrested for crimes against humanity. On the left, Justin’s father, Floyd, arrested for crimes against the English language.
I’m F*cking a Mousetrap!
Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Corolla successfully challenged a lawsuit filed by Perry Caravello against the comedians after they argued that they were not property served. Kimmel was served when Caravello had a court summons delivered to his receptionist at the theater where “Jimmy Kimmel Live” is taped. The judge declared that it amounted to insufficient service.
Oh yeah: And Caravello is suing for over $10 million, alleging that he was injured after being tricked into putting his penis in a mousetrap.
Caravello also sued Johnny Knoxville, who has so far not contested service. He alleges the comic told him he would receive $10 million just for complying with the mousetrap directive, but that the device unexpectedly went off.
“Much to his emotional tranquility and to his physical harm, (Caravello) was severely injured when the trap literally went on his manhood,” the lawsuit states.
The incident was videotaped without Caravello’s permission and circulated over the Internet, the lawsuit states.
It was circulated on the Internet? And I missed it?
A man was injured when he was dumbass enough to stick his wanger in a mouse trap? And he’s suing Jimmy Kimmel? Man, he ought to be suing his Mom for raising a child dumb enough to put his dick in that position.
The Daily Memo - 3/20/08
Of course, in South Philly, even those who speak English don’t necessarily speak “English.” (Yahoo!)
It’s raining weed … hallelujah … it’s raining weed! (Wicked Local)
I once worked with a guy who stabbed another dude with a pool cue and spent some time in the clink as a result, but at least he didn’t kill the dude. Yikes. (LAist)
Drunken NJ former-judge is now facing seven wonderful ethic counts. (Law.com)
“Court call Shia LeBeouf’s puff bluff.” (LawInfo)
Of course someone has filed a trademark application for “Client 9.” (Likelihood of Confusion)
I think he likes President Bush
Over at The Huffington Post, Steve Young (who I’ve never heard of before and, a little sadly, isn’t the Hall of Fame quarterback) has some kind words to send Bush’s way in an article called: “Is This President F*cking Crazy?! Or Is He Finally Being Truthful?”
Young takes Bush to task for saying, yesterday, that “war critics can no longer credibly argue that we are losing in Iraq, so now they argue the war costs too much.”
War critics can no longer credibly argue that we are losing in Iraq? Uhm, to borrow a phrase from a man who wants your job, yes. we. can.
Young looks at some of the numbers wrought from our winning ways in Iraq:
Five years and nearly 40,000 wounded (Pentagon #s) Americans.
Five years and nearly 90,000 Iraqi civilian deaths (Pentagon #s).
Five years and nearly 5,000,000 (35%) Iraqi children are orphans.
Five years and nearly 4,000,000 Iraq refugees.
The most difficult number to grasp is that on March 19th at a cost of $3,000,000,000,000 (the Bush Administration said it would run about $50,000,000….Hey, what’s six zeros?) to find 0 weapons of mass destruction (Pentagon #s) and 0 Iraq and Al Quaeda connections (Pentagon #s), we have suffered nearly 4,000 American soldiers’ deaths. Not numbers. Men and women.
All very bad things, but if that number for how many Iraqi kids are orphans is right, well fuck me man.
(Kudos to Steve Young, separate from his distaste for Bush’s comments, for being a Philly boy who went to the Sixers game yesterday and presumably was one of the many who gave Allen Iverson the warm “welcome home” return that few former Philly athletes get, but which A.I. absolutely deserved.)
I think he wants Fox News to answer the question
Earlier this month, Officer Daniel Snyder got a call about a car accident. He responded and, after studying the scene, determined that the accident was an old lady’s fault. He concluded that 80-year-old Thalia Logas had changed lanes improperly and, as a result, smacked into another car. So he wrote up a citation for Old Lady Logas, but she refused to sign. He asked again. She refused. On and on, seven times, did this dance go.
So then Officer Snyder decided that he needed to arrest Old Lady Logas. But she refused to let him put cuffs on her and, instead, repeatedly punched him in the chest and stomach! Snyder eventually managed to restrain her and get her cuffed although, once she was in the cop car, Old Lady Logas managed to wriggle out of her cuffs and huck them out the window.
She posted bail later that day but, sadly, had missed the Bob’s Big Boy early bird special. And man alive, you don’t want to see how she reacted to that.
Fellate a donkey?
Earlier this week, Jon Stewart took an amusing look at Barack’s speech from Philly on race:
Man, talking to Americans like they’re adults is so going to come back and bite Barack in the ass.
Back in January, seven teenagers from a teen advisory board for the local Planned Parenthood had a meeting with Representative John Ahern in his Olympia, Washington office. Ahern is a pro-lifer, and he took this opportunity to harass the kids a little, repeatedly asking them “how many unborn babies were killed by Planned Parenthood” and wanting to know why unborn children shouldn’t have control over their bodies. According to an adult there with the teenagers, Ahern wouldn’t listen to the kids and wasn’t interested in any real dialogue.
Ok, fine. So maybe Representative Ahern is a bit of a douche. I have no problem with a letter being sent complaining about Ahern’s douchiness, or publicly razzing him. But one of the students’ parents also filed a complaint with the state ethics board, which seems a bit excessive. The board dismissed the complaint, finding it had no jurisdiction over the conversation just because some folks found the content to be offensive. Which sounds about right. He may be an offensive douche, but he’s entitled to spout his offensive douchiness.
You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
From the New York Post:
A female federal prosecutor was viciously attacked by a hulking, razor-wielding drug dealer in a Brooklyn courtroom yesterday - and was saved when the thug’s 72-year-old lawyer and others tackled him.
First of all … yikes. Second of all … yikes. It took four people to take this Victor Wright down — the 72-year-old lawyer (72 … man!), a court reporter and two marshals. The best part is that, before jumping at Wright, court stenographer Ron Tolkin called a battle cry: “Why don’t you try me instead of her?”
Dave Grohl for President
Great news to those of you who are already tired of the dwindling number of candidates running for President this year. Dave Grohl — the Foo Fighter’s frontman and former drummer for Nirvana — is jumping into the race as an “Independent dark horse candidate because, as he says, ‘I’ve made all of my own rules up until this point and I don’t want to live up to anyone’s party expectations.’” And rather than run on the same old themes of change, Grohl wants to change change.
I want to present a different kind of change, though. I want to change change. If you continue to change change then it truly becomes change whether it’s technology, society, the economy, or the spreading of democracy. I want to be the president that takes change and changes it over and over again. Together, we can decide what direction we wanna take that change.
Grohl also plans on uncovering the mystery behind Dennis Kucinich’s wife:
That’s the David Copperfield factor at work. It’s like when Lemmy [from Motorhead] first met my wife he said “Ms. Grohl, it’s very nice to meet you” and he turned to me and said [in gravelly, British accent] , “She’s far too good-looking to be with you mate!” But in this day and age it’s important for people to move away from that superficial image of love. In my America—the America that I can help create—somebody who looks like Angie Everhart can date or marry a politician who looks like Tattoo without a second thought.
I don’t know about voting for Grohl — he’s a little too fresh-minty for my tastes — but I’ll certainly keep buying the albums.
Have you ever driven under an overpass and seen spray-painted graffiti beneath a bridge and wondered how the hell it got there? The gravity-defying feats that it must have taken to write Jenny (Hearts) Tommy underneath a overpass have always boggled me.
Well, the picture to the right sheds some light on the subject. It was taken by a police officer who discovered this guy hanging from a rope held by another guy up on an interstate bridge. They didn’t even get a chance to express their undying love to one another with aerosol paints before Sheriff’s Deputy Melissa Myers drove up and caught them in the act.
“I don’t know what they were thinking,” said Myers, a deputy in McMinn County between Knoxville and Chattanooga.
Myers said she drove up behind 18-year-olds Michael Clark and Matthew Musnicki after someone reported a suspicious person leaning on the rail of a bridge on Interstate 75.
“Matthew was going to write his name, ‘loves’ and then the girl’s name” and Clark was going to do the same with a girl’s name on the other side, Myers said.
The deputy arrested them both on Sunday. She said she took photos and a short video with her cell phone because the incident sounded too strange to be true.
Myers said when she arrived, Clark was standing at the railing holding the rope with his friend dangling below. She told Clark to put his hands up, but he said he couldn’t let go of the rope.
She said Musnicki tossed the can of red spray paint and tried to escape, but got tangled in the rope. She put Clark in her car and drove around to the road below, arresting Musnicki after he was helped down by a passer-by with a ladder.
What happened to good old-fashioned tattoos and shrines?
The Daily Memo - 3/19/08
In the case of U.S. v. Approximately 64,695 Pounds of Shark Fins…. (Supreme Dicta)
Harvard Law is stepping up the push to get folks into public interest by waiving tuition for third year law students who commit to doing five years of nonprofit or government work after school. (WSJ Law Blog)
“Staff Attorney Ghetto?” Is that where lawyers hang out on the corner slanging briefs? Five bucks for a reply, twenty for an opposition. (Above the Law)
Obama gave a good, albeit long, speech on race yesterday. (The Huggington Post)
“A federal appeals court on Monday upheld an injunction against a Minnesota law that targeted at children under 17 who rent or buy violent video games.” (New York Times)
The Supremes are planning to put the fuck in “America … fuck yeah!” (Yahoo!)
President Bush hasn’t done anything to fix the FOIA backlog? But he’s all about an open administration. This just doesn’t make any sense. (FindLaw)
Poor Decision Making 101
Taurice Maurice Hart allegedly robbed a place back in November 2006, and his trial was supposed to start last Monday. The Judge was there, the jury was there, the prosecutor was there … but no Mr. Hart.
Seems that he thought it would be a good idea to use that very day to go rob The Money Store, a check-cashing business. He tried to make his getaway in a taxi (makes sense, since he had new money to burn), but his escape was less than flawless, and now he’s got a second batch of robbery charges to face.
The least shocking survey result ever
A recent survey of 1,000 pre-med and pre-law students found that a great many law students are hoping for a big pay day, more so than their med school colleagues.
“We asked a question about earning power,” Fidler said. “To what degree does earning power factor into your deciding to pursue medicine? We found that just under half of those going into medicine said it factors in very much or somewhat.”
For pre-law students, the numbers are a bit higher, Glen Stohr, director of pre-law programs for Kaplan said, with around 71 percent indicating the same response.
Other questions on the survey included “is the sky blue” and “does grass grow.”
They talk so funny over there
GeekLawyer’s got an amusing story about a criminal defendant’s attempt to make it for Andy Dufrane’s Zihuatanejo, but what makes the story really great is the silly British stuff going on in the story’s periphery:
The Sun reports that a trial in Reading descended into anarchy when the defendant, a pikey accused of a shooting, leapt from the dock and made a successful dash for freedom. In the process he bit a cop’s nose. He seems to have been helped by a friends who were waiting.
The funny bit that caught Geeklawyer’s eye was that the prosecuting barrister Ian Hope tried to be a hero. He threw off his wig and gown and gave chase. It could have ended so well but one of McInerney’s accomplices tripped him up as he ran.
Mr Hope will now be rueing the fact that he didn’t prepare well enough for his case.
Police are stopping all pony and traps in the area.
Pikey, the dock, thrown off wigs … I love the Brits.
From my cold, dead hands!
Yesterday, the Supremes heard oral argument in District of Columbia v. Heller, a pretty big-deal case dealing with the Second Amendment and a D.C. law that tried to ban the hell out of handguns. If you’re looking for a straight transcript of the oral argument, SCOTUSblog has your back. But you’d be much better off heading over to Slate, because Dahlia Lithwick’s argument recaps are always top notch (nowhere else will you learn that “there is little romance to be found in parsing Ye Olde Constitution”).
Trying to figure out how the Supremes will rule based on oral argument is a sometimes risky proposition, but Lithwick thinks that there are already “five votes to create a fundamental right to bear arms, only eight minutes into the argument.” Over at Concurring Opinions, Mike O’Shea takes his shot at prognostication and also predicts an affirmation of everyone’s right to spread some lead.
A nice finishing touch on your quick and dirty Heller education can be gotten over at the WSJ Law Blog, where the Wall Street Journal’s regular SCOTUS correspondent spins the oral argument, also saying that we can expect a formalized individual right to bear arms when the decision comes down.
Lock ‘em and load ‘em, y’all!
The Most Exciting Exchange of the Campaign
DMX, the 6th highest-selling rap artist of all time, apparently didn’t know there was a black man running for President, according to the transcript from this interview.
You know there’s a Black guy running, Barack Obama and then there’s Hillary Clinton.
His name is Barack?!
Barack Obama, yeah.
What the fuck is a Barack?! Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa?
Yeah, his dad is from Kenya.
What the fuck?! That ain’t no fuckin’ name, yo. That ain’t that nigga’s name. You can’t be serious. Barack Obama. Get the fuck outta here.
You’re telling me you haven’t heard about him before.
I ain’t really paying much attention.
I mean, it’s pretty big if a Black…
Wow, Barack! The nigga’s name is Barack. Barack? Nigga named Barack Obama. What the fuck, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his fuckin’ name. Ima tell this nigga when I see him, “Stop that bullshit. Stop that bullshit” [laughs] “That ain’t your fuckin’ name.” Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.
Oh, and just for the record, DMX’s real name is Earl Simmons — now, that ain’t a rapper’s name.
The Headline Says It All
I mean, with the headline: Man files suit, claims lap dance injury, what else do you need to say? Here’s the deets, all the same:
A businessman claims in a lawsuit that he was injured when a stripper giving him a lap dance swiveled and smacked him in the face with the heel of her shoe.
Stephen Chang, a securities trader, said in court papers filed Friday that he was at the Hot Lap Dance Club near Madison Square Garden and was getting a paid lap dance when the accident occurred early Nov. 2, 2007.
According to the lawsuit, as the dancer swung around, the heel of her shoe hit him in the eye, causing him “serious injuries.”
I’m telling you — lap dances are a good way to poke an eye out. My momma always told me that.
I hope it wasn’t a stiletto.
The Daily Memo - 3/18/08
Snow rage? (CTV)
Yummy! “Investigators are searching for whoever poured deer urine into an air conditioning unit at a school in easter Tennessee. About a dozen students became ill after the prank.” (MSNBC)
A Colorado Senate committee has approved a bill to put kiddy rapists to death. (Denver Post)
“Nah, I didn’t kill her. I only poked her five times with a knife. And I don’t know how she got stabbed another eight times. No idea….” (Canada.com)
Public urinating when you’ve got weed in your pocket and an outstanding arrest warrant for owing child support? You better believe that’s an arrestin. (Seacostonline News)
Utah tries to make its liquor laws more tourist friendly but doesn’t really succeed. (MSNBC)
Asshat Kentucky legislator wants to make it illegally to post anything online anonymously. (WTVQ)
Maybe some children should be left behind
This is just fucking ridiculous. Last December, in Danbury, Connecticut, 15-year-old Vincios Robacher fell asleep in one of his high school classes. Teachers aren’t generally so keen on that sort of business and Melissa Nadeau is such a teacher. So when she spotted him snoozing, she walked over to his desk and slammed her palm down to wake him up. Did the trick.
But now, of course, he’s filed papers with the town clerk as a prelude to suing to suing the school for the “very severe injuries” to his eardum.
I mean, come on. When I was in high school, I watched a teacher huck an eraser at a kid who was sleeping — I’d hate to see what damage dear Vincios would claim had an eraser been careened his way. Chump.
I’m so confused
Everyone’s favorite pro se litigant, inmate Jonathan Lee Riches, has filed another suit. This one is a class action. But … I don’t get it. First of all, he’s got co-plaintiffs this time, a Clark Proctor Jr. and John Mark Johnson. (John Mark Johnson? Really?) But more confusing are the facts that: (i) he’s no longer using a copyright symbol with his name; and (ii) the complaint isn’t a rambling mess of deliriously wonderful allegations. It’s still a handwritten mess, but it’s a trite few sentences. No aliens. No allegations against Skittles or hamburgers or the Liberty Bell.
It’s just so … blase.
Mr. Riches, come back to us!!
Awwww, poor guys
Last week, the “Church” of Scientology was denied a restraining order against the group Anonymous. The “Church” was hoping to get an order preventing Anonymous from protesting within 500 feet of Scientology buildings, but the court told the “Church” to get bent, largely because the group has been so hard to track down.
Now I don’t support illegal actions like bomb threats and death threats, and the official spokesmen I’ve heard for Anonymous say they don’t either. But I’m all for these protests against the “Church” and its silly shenanigans. Particularly because they’re usually so good at quickly stifling any criticism. It’s nice to see them sweat a little.
…And yes, I fully expect that our server will crash within hours for having the nerve to say anything negative about the “Church.” I don’t know what got in me to be so negative today. Must be all those thetans I sprinkled on my cereal this morning.
Depends on what the Definition of Wrong Is
This may seem far-fetched, but in my mind at least, there’s a certain train of thought that’s slowly picking up steam, and it is this: Bill Clinton, either purposely or subconsciously, is trying to derail Hillary’s bid for President?
I mean, look at the evidence: The man, for eight years, nearly never had a public temper tantrum — more than almost anyone, he knows how politics works. He made a ton of mistakes in his personal life, but he did the improbable in 1992 and came out of nowhere to win the Presidential election. The man knows how to campaign.
So, why is it, then, that in the last three or four months, he has botched his wife’s campaign so many times? If he were running, there’s no way he makes this many mistakes. And then, yesterday, asked about the election, Bill said this:
“They got two candidates, they basically like them both, and they have different strengths,” he said. “And they have to decide which skilll set is more important, number one, for the country’s welfare in the long run, and which one is more likely to be elected. And you know I have my strong convictions, but I might be wrong.”
I don’t know about you, but for the thousands of Bill Clinton hanger-ons like I myself was until just a couple of months ago, this right here is tacit permission — he’s damn near giving us his blessing to vote for Barack. Hell, that’s an endorsement, folks!
Just one more reason, among the millions, to vote for Barack Obama:
Barack Obama might be courting the ever-important geek vote by reaching out to Comic-Con in the hopes of making an appearance there, according to reports. No, we are not kidding. Now, we’ve got no idea what Senator Obama might be wanting to do there, aside from the fact that he could very well be a comic book fan, but we think it’s pretty damn cool, nonetheless.
How awesome would it be to see Barack Obama at a comic-book convention? I wonder which character he’d come dressed as? My money is on Frozone!
My new favorite Congressman
Last Saturday, there was a special election in the 14th Congressional District of Illinois, fat bastard Dennis Hastert’s old stomping ground. Democrat Bill Foster won the election, which came as a bit of surprise in the Republican stronghold. I’m always happy to see a Dem take a Republican’s seat, not that the Dems are necessarily that much better.
But in this case, I’m particularly happy, because Representative Foster is also a nerd. He’s a physicist with a Ph.D. from Harvard, and he knows how to write software code. In assembly (for the non-nerds out there, that’s some true nerd shit, trust me). He spent 22 years working at Fermi, studying high energy particles, and he’s even done circuit design.
To most of our readers, none of this likely means shit. But it warms the cockles of my nerdy little heart, it truly does.
The Daily Memo - 3/17/08
Comcast is suing the FCC because the agency lets the big phone companies gobble things up, but isn’t so gobble-friendly with the cable companies. (Engadget)
Porn … legal. Prostitution … illegal. Why? (Slate)
An asshole Philadelphian (I know, I know … all us Philadelphian are assholes) has been given over 20 years in the clink for killing his 17-month-old daughter when he flipped out over a broken Xbox. (FindLaw)
Client #9’s high price hooker has her lawyer claiming that the media’s use of her photos is a horrible violation. Because we all know she only likes being violated at $4,000 a pop. (WSJ Law Blog)
Aw man … the Minneapolis bar that was putting on fake theater shows to get around the state’s smoking ban got its creativity stomped on by the city attorney. (FindLaw)
A very long, but interesting, discussion about originalism, the Constitution and ritual. (Concurring Opinions)
Friday Night Specials
My bullshit detector is on high alert for this one:
A former aide to James E. McGreevey said today that he had three-way sexual trysts with the former governor and his wife before he took office, challenging Dina Matos McGreevey’s assertion that she was naive about her husband’s sexual exploits.
The aide, Theodore Pedersen, said he and the couple even had a nickname for the weekly romps, from 1999 to 2001, that typically began with dinner at T.G.I. Friday’s and ended with a threesome at McGreevey’s condo in Woodbridge.
They called them “Friday Night Specials,” according to Pedersen.
You know why I’m almost certain this story isn’t true? Because no gay man with any sense of self respect would go to fucking T.G.I.Fridays. Who the hell would want to have a threesome when all three participants just got finished eating green bean fries and fried macaroni and cheese? Give me a fucking break — that dragonfire chicken is simply not suitable for digestion during the same 24 hours as a menage a trois, not unless it’s one of those kinky flatulent threesomes where they fart in three-part harmony.
A President who thinks things through? Preposterous!
Sure, the rhetoric and speechifying is great. But it’s because of stuff like this that Obama got my vote last month (This story comes from a long-time colleague/friend of Obama’s from the University of Chicago Law School):
Not so long ago, the phone rang in my office. It was Barack Obama.
On this occasion, he had an important topic to discuss: the controversy over President Bush’s warrantless surveillance of international telephone calls between Americans and suspected terrorists. I had written a short essay suggesting that the surveillance might be lawful. Before taking a public position, Obama wanted to talk the problem through.
In about 20 minutes, he and I investigated the legal details. He asked me to explore all sorts of issues: the president’s power as commander in chief, the Constitution’s protection against unreasonable searches and seizures, the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, the Authorization for Use of Military Force and more.
Obama wanted to consider the best possible defense of what Bush had done. To every argument I made, he listened and offered a counterargument. After the issue had been exhausted, Obama said he thought the program was illegal, but now had a better understanding of both sides. He thanked me for my time.
This was a pretty amazing conversation, not only because of Obama’s mastery of the legal details, but also because many prominent Democratic leaders had already blasted the Bush initiative as blatantly illegal. He did not want to take a public position until he had listened to, and explored, what might be said on the other side.
This is the Barack Obama I have known for nearly 15 years — a careful and evenhanded analyst of law and policy, unusually attentive to multiple points of view.
The whole article over at the Chicago Tribune is worth a read.
What’s in a number?
Virgin Mobile Canada officially kicks ass. They’ve apparently got a new print ad coming out this week which is going to get cease-and-desisted into silence quicker than a sumbitch, but that doesn’t make it any less awesome:
“At Virgin Mobile, you’re more than just a number. When you call us we’ll treat you like a person, not a client. Whether you’re #9 or #900, you’ll get hooked up with someone who’ll finally treat you just how you want to be treated….”
(Hat tip to Engadget.)
The Filipino prisoners are back, and they’ve got a mess of fans. Souljah Boy? Yeah, that’s how we livin and you know….
Today in C*nt Punditry!
Asked on “The Today Show” if Silda Wall, Elliot Spitzer’s wife, had any role in her husband’s philandering, the brilliant Dr. Laura Schlessinger, best known as host of the popular Dr. Laura radio advice call-in show, had this to say:
It’s interesting. what you said about what men need — men do need validation. When they come into the world they’re born of a woman. Getting the validation from mommy is the beginning of needing it from a woman. When the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings sexually, personally, to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like our hero, he’s very susceptible to the charm of some other woman making him feel what he needs. These days, women don’t spend a lot of time thinking about how they can give their men what they need.
MEREDITH VIEIRA: Are you saying women should feel guilty, like they somehow drove the man to cheat?
SCHLESSINGER: You know what, the cheating was his decision to repair what’s damaged, and to feed himself where he’s starving. But, yes, I hold women accountable for tossing out perfectly good men by not treating them with the love and kindness and respect and attention they need.
So there you go: Spitzer was just trying to feed himself where he was starving — and Silda clearly was not putting food on the table. As always, it’s the woman’s fault.
Why Is This News?
Sometimes I think the Associated Press just gets bored:
Police say a man placing an order in a suburban New York doughnut shop’s drive-through lane didn’t have any pants on.
They say a Dunkin’ Donuts worker saw John Greco’s exposed genitals in the Feb. 27 stunt and then noted the make of his car and his license plate number.
Police say the 46-year-old Croton-on-Hudson resident was arrested last week and has been charged with misdemeanor public lewdness. He’s due in court March 27.
Police released a statement Thursday saying it was “unknown how Mr. Greco took his coffee that day.”
So fucking what? First of all, if a guy wants to go through a drive-thru nekkid, that’s his God-given right — he ain’t hurting nobody. That’s what drive-thrus are for — I don’t know how many times I got drive-thru coffee wearing a bathrobe, and I probably wouldn’t have bothered with that if it weren’t so damn cold. Why do the police gotta be called in on this? And second of all, who the hell over at Yahoo News (where I picked this story up) decided to elevate this piece to the “Top Stories.” Was it that slow a news day that a man who neglected to wear his skivvies in the privacy of his own car warrants national coverage? Jesus Christ — go do some real reporting, AP. Aren’t there politicians sleeping with whores somewhere?
The Daily Memo - 3/14/08
Obama’s response to Hillary’s e-mail — get bent. (NPR)
Keith Olbermann to Hillary — get bent. (YouTube)
The Supremes to court room cameras — get bent. (FindLaw)
Michael Jackson’s lawyers to Neverland Ranch naysayers — get bent. (LawInfo)
Pillsbury Winthrop to fans of shitty lawyer videos — get bent. (Above the Law)
Germany to sister-fuckers — get bent. (FindLaw)
Some Atlanta company to Apple iTunes — get bent. (LawInfo)
Fool me twice … won’t get fooled again
Note to the still uncaught New Hampshire bank robber — change your schtick up, sir.
Police said the same man tried to rob the same bank, wearing the same clothes and telling employees the same thing on Tuesday as he did two weeks ago. The outcome was not the same.
Two weeks ago, the robber got away with cash from the Sovereign Bank branch. On his second attempt, tellers refused to give him money and he took off empty-handed.
Police and bank employees said it was the same guy. The robber said he had a gun and demanded money both times.
Pwning n00bs on the county’s dime: priceless
Forget about Spitzer’s high priced hooker, this is a “waste of taxpayer money” I can understand!
A computer that Rockwall County District Attorney Ray Sumrow says he built as a backup server for his office contained documents related to eBay sales, personal e-mails and a cheat sheet for a computer game, an FBI computer expert testified Monday morning.
Rod Gregg, an FBI senior forensic examiner, said 80 percent of the content he found on the computer appeared to be personal rather than work-related.
Mr. Sumrow is being tried in Dallas on charges of forgery, theft and records tampering. As part of the case, prosecutors allege that he used office funds to buy the computer for personal use.
“I would not configure a backup computer in that way,” Mr. Gregg said.
“When I saw that, I did not think of anything related to a government agency,” he said.
The computer – equipped with two hard drives, seven fans, high-end video and audio cards, a wireless Internet connection and cables that glow under ultraviolet light – is designed for playing video games, prosecutors say.
Alan Timberlake, assistant director of information technology for Rockwall County, called the computer “gimmicky” and more suited to a college dorm room than an office.
Defense attorney James Wheeler said Mr. Sumrow built the computer from parts he purchased on sale.
And as usual, Penny Arcade articulates my feelings about this better than I could.
Me and that sidewalk, we were in love, mate
A British teenager shows his love in the strangest of ways:
Motorists looked on in shock as Steven Marshall, 18, hauled down his trousers and started to simulate sex on the floor.
Marshall — drinking while taking pills for arthritis — also carried out a vile sex act in front of a horrified female taxi driver in Galashiels, Selkirkshire.
He admitted a charge of public indecency at Selkirk Sheriff Court and got 12 months probation.
Sheriff Drummond commented: “This was bizarre. Anyone who lies on the road in the daylight, is significantly intoxicated and is partially undressed has a problem.”
But Marshall will not be put on the sex offenders’ register after Sheriff Drummond accepted the June offence “was not primarily sexually motivated”.
Taste the Rainbow, bitches
The way some Connecticut school administrators were acting, you’d think it was Skittles that was ruining the nation, instead of the homosexual agenda. Thankfully, they’ve recently come to their senses:
School officials have decided to go light on an eighth-grader caught with contraband candy in New Haven, Connecticut. Michael Sheridan, an eighth-grade honors student who was suspended for a day, barred from attending an honors dinner and stripped of his title as class vice president after he was caught with a bag of Skittles candy in school will get his student council post back, school officials said.
Superintendent Reginald Mayo said in a statement late Wednesday that he and principal Eleanor Turner met with student Michael’s parents and that Turner decided to clear the boy’s record and restore him to his student council post.
Pansies! If there’s one thing I’ve learned from politicians, stubborn pride is really the only way to go here. You have to stand by your decisions, even if they’re ridiculous, destructive, dumb, and cost the country $3 trillion. In fact, you should up Sheridan’s suspension to a week, just for creating a national scene. Skittles are toxic! You know their slogan? “Taste the Rainbow?” Yeah — it’s gay candy.
Crazy Oklahoma Rep Gets Death Threats, Bad Hair Advice
A few weeks ago, Oklahoma state representative Sally Kern wanted everyone to know that the “homosexual agenda is destroying this nation, that’s just a fact.” Matter of fact, she said, “No society that has totally embraced homosexuality has embraced more than a few decades … it’s the death knell.” She went on to say that homosexuality was “spreading” and that it’s “destroying our young people — it’s destroying our nation!”
Well, after delivering such kind words about the gays (don’t worry — she prefaced her comments by saying “I’m not gay bashing”), she’s getting death threats. Actually, not so much death threats, but death wishes: “There are a lot of e-mails to the representative that say, ‘You ought to die,’ rather than, ‘I am going to kill you.’”
See, there’s a big difference, and one that I can embrace: I hope that Sally Kern gets cancer of the face and that it slowly rots until it drips down her chin. Oh, sure: I’d slap the whorish lipstick off her face if she ever came near me, but I’d never actually kill her — just wish harm on her. In fact, that’s what I’m going to go do now: Pray for her eternal misery.
Baby “Born to Run,” Should’ve Run Faster
What happens when your “de facto husband” (whatever that means) stops playing your favorite Springsteen tune? That’s a stabbin’!
A woman stabbed her de facto husband to death after he stopped her playing her favourite Bruce Springsteen CD.
Karen Lee Cooper told arresting police: “I couldn’t even play Bruce Springsteen on my stereo - can you believe that? Can you believe that?”
She later again told police: “I mean, who doesn’t like Bruce Springsteen?”
“I’m 49 years old and I want to play my own music.”
That’s totally fair, Karen. In fact, the judge in the case lowered the charge to manslaughter (instead of murder), and I think we all know why: Springsteen fan in the courthouse (w00t w00t).
The Daily Memo - 3/13/08
Is it ironic or lazy if I copy this headline verbatim: “The New Originalism: Answering the Questions Nobody Asks?” See what I did there, playing on “originalism.” Damn straight! (Concurring Opinions)
“High-Prices Call Girls’ Lips are Sealed.” Well four grand, I think we all know which lips definitely aren’t sealed. (Washington Post)
Fuck yeah! The Senate has extended the farm law! WOOOOOO! (FindLaw)
Yikes — an Arkansas bailiff left an illegal immigrant in her jail cell for 4 days, forgetting to give her food or water or bathroom breaks. (LawInfo)
Jack Kevorkian would kill for a seat in Congress. (FindLaw)
Ha — suck it Jonny Fairplay. (FindLaw)
Well hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go
Uhm … yuck.
Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for two years — so long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time the boyfriend finally called police.
Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said it appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman’s skin had grown around the seat. She initially refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital.
“We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital,” Whipple said. “The hospital removed it.”
Whipple said investigators planned to present their report Wednesday to the county attorney, who will determine whether any charges should be filed against the woman’s 36-year-old boyfriend.
“She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body,” Whipple said. “It is hard to imagine. … I still have a hard time imagining it myself.”
He told investigators he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.
“And her reply would be, ‘Maybe tomorrow,’” Whipple said. “According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom.”
The boyfriend called police on Feb. 27 to report that “there was something wrong with his girlfriend,” Whipple said, adding that he never explained why it took him two years to call.
Seriously … yuck.
(Hat tip to reader Jessica.)
That’s not a knife … this is a
What the hell am I supposed to do with this story other than laugh?
Anchorage police have arrested a suspect in an armed robbery. Now they’re trying to determine if the weapon involved was a spork — a hybrid of a spoon and fork found at fast-food restaurants.
Police said a suspect tried to grab a man’s watch on Monday night.
The victim said the assailant swung a pocketknife at him but four parallel scratches on the victim’s side make police suspect the wound was administered with a spork.
Peter Albert, 52, was arrested a few blocks from the scene and charged with robbery. Police said Albert was intoxicated and carrying a small pocketknife as well as a backpack containing a fast food bag and sporks.
How you doin?
As always, The Smoking Gun is there, this time with pictures of the pricey Lady of the Night what brought down Eliot Spitzer. I dunno … she’s an attractive gal and all, but I’m not sure I’d risk my Governorship on her. Marriage, sure. But Govenor?
Note to self — when folks in charge of your taxes ask if they can buy something from you, you say “yes”
In Morgantown, West Virginia, homeowner Jim Jones is a bit pissed off over the increase in his property taxes. So he filed a complaint with the County Commission, which now says there is nothing wrong with the tax increase, as it was just part of a routine audit that reclassified Jones’ property.
Jones says otherwise. Seems that the Chief Deputy Assessor wanted to buy Jones’ property. When Jones said no, his property taxes suddenly went up by 1,531%, from $285.90 to $4,663.44.
Yup, sounds like a routine audit reclassification to me. Totally.
Ain’t No Party Like a Clinton Party!
That’s true, at least when you’re referring to a Bill party. But Hillary? These poor Scranton kids (home of Dunder Mifflin!) have apparently been brainwashed by whitebread school administrators to throw their hands in the air like they just don’t care for Hillary Clinton.
Can you spot the black guy? Poor fella — he never had a chance.
Maybe we should paint math and science classrooms pink, too?
Ok, I’m looking for my friend Tammy to speak up in the comments on this one, because as a chick who’s gotten a PhD in a scientific field where there ain’t many gals, she’s much more qualified to comment on this story than I am. Of course, that won’t stop me from saying that I think the idea of applying Title IX to science is fucking ridiculous.
Title IX, as you may know, was passed in 1972 and has been used to increase the number of women participating in collegiate sports. It’s worked, and I’d say it’s worked pretty well. Even though it has also killed men’s sports teams at many schools because, where the schools were unable to find enough girls interested in playing on their sports teams, they could only meet Title IX quotas by axing some boys teams.
Well Title IX’s wording does not limit itself to university sports, and there’s apparently a movement to have it applied in some form to university science and math programs, halls where women are few and far between. Now I’m all for anything that increases the number of people interested in math in science, don’t get me wrong. And when I was in college, I would’ve loved — loved — for there to have been more female physics majors to hang out with. And anything that improves math and science education gets my support too. But look at what this MIT biologist, Nancy Hopkins, says:
“It is a system,” Hopkins says, “where winning is everything, and women find it repulsive.” This viewpoint explains the constant emphasis, by equity activists such as Shalala, Rolison, and Olsen, on the need to transform the “entire culture” of academic science and engineering. Indeed, the charter for the October 17 congressional hearing placed primary emphasis on academic culture: “The list of cultural norms that appear to disadvantage women…includes the favoring of disciplinary over interdisciplinary research and publications, and the only token attention given to teaching and other service during the tenure review process. Thus it seems that it is not necessarily conscious bias against women but an ingrained idea of how the academic enterprise ‘should be’ that presents the greatest challenge to women seeking academic S&E [science and engineering] careers.”
Ok, facing sexism head-on is one thing. I know there is sexism in the math and science fields, particularly from the older generation. But to use this sexism movement as a basis for changing the entire culture just reeks of the worst kind of liberal crap (and this is coming from a staunch liberal). I mean, I actually agree that the lack of emphasis of teaching and the overarching push to publish are bad things about the academic side of the system. And if you think there’s a way to change these things in a way that’s better for both the educational system and the scientific community, great. Do it. I got your back. But don’t fucking couch it in this gender equality argument which, to my money, just doesn’t support it. I mean, she says that women find it “repulsive” that the system is one of “winning is everything?” Really? So what, women are above that type of culture and atmosphere? Sounds a bit fucking sexist to me.
Anyway, this article over at the American is a long, but very interesting read. To be fair, author Christina Hoff Sommers is certainly on my side of the argument, but her overall discussion is pretty compelling, to my culturally sexist mind, anyway.
This may come as a complete surprise to most of you, but it’s apparently true: Lawyers are in it for the money.
A recent survey by Kaplan Test Prep and Admissions found money held different levels of influence among pre-law and pre-med students who took the LSAT and MCAT entrance exams.
The survey, which polled about 1,000 pre-med and pre-law students, found that more pre-law students were concerned about the potential of future earnings in their chosen profession than pre-med students, director of MCAT programs for Kaplan Matt Fidler said.
I know! I know! I’m just as flabbergasted as you are! And here I thought that most lawyers worked 2400 hours a year to allow wealthy people to maintain and/or increase their wealth out of the goodness of their hearts.
The Daily Memo - 3/12/08
“Italian high court rules that women wearing jeans cannot be victims of rape.” Yup — a chick in tight jeans must have given her consent because how else did the jeans come off? (Nota Bene)
Of magnum condoms, little dicks, sexual battery and Florida. (Above the Law)
“Could Spitzer lose his law license?” (WSJ Law Blog)
The Supremes on video? It’s like “Girls Gone Wild” only, you know, without the drunken coeds. …Unless the camera goes into the Scalia’s chambers. (Law.com)
Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful bust…
…That started with a lil’ dimebag, and an arrest that’s so unjust.
The driver was named Dawn Wells, better known as Mary Ann,
A friend of hers tried to take the fall, at least that was the plan … at least that was the plan.
But the court started getting tough, the story sounded too plain,
So Wells is going to the clink, cause of her mary jane … cause of her mary jane.
She’ll spend five days in a cell at this uncharted little jail,
And rapists too,
The topper and his “wife,”
The street cruisers,
The gang bangers and drug users,
Here in Gilligans Jail!
Silda Wall: WTF?
The New York Times has a fascinating profile on Elliot Spitzer’s wife, Silda Wall, in today’s paper. In it, the Times reports that it’s actually Silda who — inexplicably — is trying to convince her husband to stay on as governor (though, I’m guessing he’ll be done by day’s end). The woman gave up her corporate law job when Spitzer decided to run for Governor, and apparently, this is what she gets in return.
According to friends, the governor’s time in Albany exacted a psychic cost from Ms. Wall Spitzer, 50, who has not been able to fully embrace her role as first lady. “I think the whole period of his governorship hasn’t fit her,” one friend of both Spitzers said. “It strained the marriage.”
Recently, the friend said, the strain had increased.
“He’s been traveling a lot,” the friend continued,
You get the idea, don’t you, that the governorship has probably been less of a strain on their marriage than the travel, particularly after discovering what he’s doing on those trips away from home. But, I wonder — since it is Silda who is trying to keep Elliot from resigning — if she had an inclination the whole time. After all, in a cover story for the Harvard Magazine last year, she conceded that they rarely spent time together:
Asked if she and her husband take time together, just the two of them, Wall laughs. “With three kids and two dogs at the ages they are—the ages they all are—and our careers and community engagement, it’s hard to say that we do.”
And then, at the end of the article:
Toward the end of the photo shoot, something beeps and Wall and Spitzer simultaneously whip out their BlackBerrys. “That was a typical moment,” Wall says brightly. “That sums up everything right there.”
I guess what Silda didn’t know, however, was that Elliot was making arrangements to sleep with whores on his Blackberry. Sums it up, indeed.
Update: Spitzer expected to announce resignation at 11:30 EST.
The FDA says “spit, don’t swallow”
So yeah, there are a lot of stupid people out there, right? Well the latest example of such stupidity comes from several reports the FDA has received of folks swallowing the drug capsules that are supposed to be plugged into their medical inhalers. So this has led the FDA to issue a warning that these inhalers should, you know, not be swallowed, and that the drugs only get distributed properly if inhaled properly.
Jesus Christ people.
Go To Sleep, My Precious. I SAID GO TO SLEEP MOTHERFUCKER
The parents of two preschoolers are suing the Bronx School District, alleging that their two sons — aged 4 at the time of the incident — were taken out of class, handcuffed by a school safety officer, moved to an empty room, and told they might never see their parents again.
Because they wouldn’t take a nap.
Soon, the lawyer said, the school-safety officer entered the room, cuffed the boys’ wrists - and further terrified them by telling they that they would never see their parents again.
“I wasn’t shot, but my hands were tied,” Christopher, now 5, recalled, according to his mother, Vasso Brito, a 34- year-old office worker - who says the little guy is now scared of police officers.
Jaden, now 6, remembers that a man who was dressed like a cop walked in, sat at a big desk - “like the one the judge is on” - and threatened them.
“He was police,” Jaden said. “He said, ‘You know what happens when you don’t go to sleep in there? … ‘When you go to jail, you’re not going to have no fun, no TV, no toys.’ “
Wow! I guess I didn’t realize that refusal to take a nap was a crime that warranted imprisonment. Damn — I got an 8-month-old son (pictured) who looks to be facing a 20-year sentence. He and I need to have a talk; I’ll get the handcuffs … come here, kid. Remember what I said about nap time?!
Today in C*nt Punditry!
Anne Coulter, ever the classy pundit:
The mainstream media said she was finished, but our brave Hillary soldiered on to wallop B. Hussein Obama in Ohio, Texas and Rhode Island Tuesday night. I don’t know what the MSM is so upset about– we let them pick the Republican nominee. Did they want to pick the Democratic nominee, too?
Not only that, but after some toothsome appearances on various madcap comedy shows this past week — “Saturday Night Live,” “Late Night With David Letterman,” “Hardball With Chris Matthews” — Hillary’s “likability” quotient is soaring! According to the latest CNN/CBS News poll, she’s just been upgraded from “Utterly Loathsome” to “Execrable.”
The percentage of registered voters who would rather disembowel themselves with a wooden spoon than vote for Hillary has just slipped below the magical 50 percent mark. We’re surging, Hillary! If you want to be even more likable, you should go on “The View.” Next to those four harpies, you seem almost agreeable.
Now that Hillary has won three primaries in a row, it’s time for Obama to do the classy thing and withdraw from the race. (Obama won Vermont, but that was earlier in the day. Exit polls indicate he took the black vote. Literally. There was just the one.)
Imagine how proud Michelle Obama would be of her country if that happened! But Obama probably won’t do the classy thing, despite claiming to be a “new” kind of politician and rejecting the politics of division.
Where the Hell is PETA on This?
Hillary Clinton is not only a candidate for President, she’s an animal torturer:
“You all know how to boil a frog don’t you?” she asked the folks in Mississippi, which votes Tuesday.
“Yeah!” some in the crowd yelled.
“You know you drop a frog in hot water, it jumps right out,” Clinton said, telling her frog analogy with more vigor than usual. “But, you put it in cold water and you turn up the heat pretty soon you got a boiled frog.”
Or, if you don’t like boiled frog, how about caviar?
“The best job I ever had in preparation for running for office was a job I had sliming fish in Alaska,” Clinton said. “I was in a salmon fishery where they brought in the salmon. They had some experts from Japan who were there and slit the fish open and took out the caviar and I was there in hip boots with a spoon, and my job was to clean out everything else.
Really now? Hillary Clinton worked in a salmon fishery? She wore hip boots, huh?
Actually, I was going to laugh at that ridiculous notion, but I just looked it up, and sure enough, between Wellesley and Yale Law, she did, indeed, slime salmon in Alaska before she was fired for complaining about unhealthy conditions.
Huh. Color me impressed.
Whatever! The point is, it’s not nice to slow boil frogs alive. That’s all I’m saying.
Latest Mother of the Year Candidate
Christine Aaron, a 34-year-old Oklahoma woman, laughs at Todd Hansford and his whole “showing up to get his kids while drunk” business. She farts in his general direction. She drinks his milkshake, because she’s not the one who shows up to her four-year-old daughter’s school drunk.
No sir. That’d be the four-year-old daughter who showed up drunk!
Seems that the wonderful Aaron left an open beer can out as she fell asleep (fell asleep or passed out?). Her inquisitive daughter proceeded to drink two-thirds of the can, which is unsurprisingly enough to get a little girl drunk. The mother reportedly scolded the girl when she realized what had happened, but then took her to school anyway. While the mom is spinning this like a one-time thing, a police spokesman said: “We have reason to believe that the child has drunk beer in the past.”
I mean, not that I blame the little girl. If I lived in Oklahoma, I’d want to start drinking as soon as I could too.
The Daily Memo - 3/11/08
An Arkansas cop has been suspended over video showing him using a departmental stun gun to tase a cow. (The Morning News)
Don’t pay your rent? Get evicted. Don’t want to get evicted? Well, whatever you do, don’t play with explosives. (Detroit Free Press)
Despite a recent resolution that call for marijuana arrests to be the “lowest law enforcement priority,” Denver cops are still harshing people’s buzz, and the Safer Alternative for Enjoyable Recreation wants to know why. (The Denver Channel)
A judge has ordered almost $15 grand to be paid back to a guy who’s been paying child support for the last 11 years, only to find out the kid wasn’t his. (The Augusta Chronicle)
Congrats to the TSA, which has apparently “lost” $31 million of our things over the last three year. Job well done, guys. (Boing Boing)
Note to self — when stealing clothes from a store, remember to take them off the hanger. (Metro.co.uk)
Turns out the founder of the Weather Channel is kind of a douchebag, as he is now out there saying he thinks it would be awesome to sue Al Gore, to finally expose the fraud of global warming. (Citizen Sugar)
In England, a 33-year-old man has been charged under the Harassment Act of 1997 for using Facebook to harass his ex-grilfriend. (The Register)
Just the Good Part …
After nearly a full day of coverage, late night shows run amock, and a good deal of ink devoted to the subject, we here at QuizLaw bring you the goods. Here’s what the case against Elliot Spitzer all boils down to, from the New York Times:
Ms. Lewis told the client that his balance was $2,721 and that he could pay an additional $2,000 — apparently for future appointments. He said he wasn’t sure that he could find a bank machine that would give him that much money, but he would try. He asked Ms. Lewis to remind him what Kristen looked like and she told him, according to the affidavit, “an American, petite, very pretty brunette, 5 feet 5 inches, and 105 pounds.”
The appointment was originally booked for four hours and, as Client 9 made his way toward the room, Ms. Lewis asked Kristen to send her a text message when he left. Kristen sent her a message at 12:02 a.m., the appointment having lasted more than an hour.
When she called Ms. Lewis, they discussed the client’s reputation as a “difficult” man who sometimes asked the prostitutes “to do things you might not think were safe,” Ms. Lewis said. But Kristen, according to court papers, was prepared: “I have a way of dealing with that,” she is quoted as having told Ms. Lewis. “I’d be like, Listen, dude, you really want the sex? …You know what I mean.” The fact was that Kristen liked him, though, and told Ms. Lewis that he wasn’t all that difficult.
“I mean, it’s just kind of like … whatever … I’m here for a purpose,” the affidavit quotes her as saying. “I know what my purpose is. I am not a … moron, you know what I mean.”
Ms. Lewis complimented Kristen on her sang-froid, telling her, “You look at it very uniquely, because … no one ever says it that way.”
So, in short: Her name was Kristen. She charged a lot of money. And, in exchange. she was willing to do things that were not safe. And she was all right with that, because she knew who she was.
Is it just me, or is the prostitute coming off a lot more positively than Spitzer? At least she’s not a hypocrite — maybe she should run for governor. There’s a lot to be said for honesty, especially after a guy thought to be one of the most honest, scrupulous politicians in America gets brought down for this. Kristen for Governor!
Now, will someone please tell me why Mrs. Spitzer agreed to stand silently by her man? Come on, lady! For once, wouldn’t it be nice to see the jilted wife throw something at the disgraced politician?
Latest Father of the Year Candidate
Congratulations to Todd Hansford, a Wisconsin man who is the latest to announce his candidacy for father of the year. He made this announcement in spectacular fashion, by showing up to pick his kids up from day care totally shitfaced.:
He fumbled while trying to use the door’s punch-code access and then walked down the hall with his hand on the wall, witnesses told police. At one point, he supported himself against the wall and then slumped to the floor.
Other parents had to step over him to pass, according to the complaint.
Hansford got into an argument with a staff member who, understandably, didn’t want him taking his two young kids with him. But he pushed her out of the way and stumbled on back to his SUV. Luckily, the sheriff’s deputy showed up before he could swerve off, and Hansford has now been charged with his fifth (!) DUI offense, along with disorderly conduct. And because he had the kids with him, he’s looking at up to 12 years in the clink. Good.
And cute puppies everywhere can breathe a huge sigh of relief
The Wisconsin Senate has passed a bill which now allows pets to get domestic abuse restraining orders. Well, technically, it lets their owners include the pets on restraining orders that they get, but it’s pretty much the same thing. While I think crazy pet owners sometimes take their pet ownership a bit too far, I’m ok with this. If some asshole is going to beat his wife, he may just as well kick the dog, so I think it’s fair to protect the dog, too.
However, there should totally be a cat exception. Cats suck, and deserve to be punted every once in a while. You hear me Garfield?
Prostitutophobe Comes Out of the Closet
It turns out that the governor of the great state of New York (where I live, incidentally) “acted in a way that violated the obligations to my family and that violates my — or any — sense of right and wrong,” presumably by inserting his fifth appendage into a mystery vacancy in exchange for money. Elliot Spitzer (shown to the left, illustrating his penis size), formerly our state’s political wunderkind who won his election by a bazillion percentage points on the strength of his record as attorney general (where he shot and killed prostitutes on the spot without due process), was ironically linked to a prostitution ring.
Apparently, federal investigators using newfangled Walkie Talkie technology learned that Spitzer had arranged for a meet with a high-priced prostitute (or low-priced escort, depending on how you look at it). She was to travel from New York to Washington to service Mr. Spitzer’s sexual needs, which purportedly involved children’s blocks, alphabet soup, and cotton-polyester blends.
It does not appear that Spitzer will step down from his position. It is expected, however, that he will no longer pay for sex.
Update: Reports from an affidavit indicate that “Client Number 9” paid $5000 to have sex with a 5’5 brunette prostitute. Whew! There’s no way that could be Spitzer! A state governor could never afford $5,000.
Update II: This just in: Male-pattern baldness and large ears may have created deep insecurity in Spitzer, compelling him to pay for sex. Criminal attorneys currently developing Avacor defense.
Car Surfer Catches Nasty Wave; Wipes Out
There’s a huge, ugly hidden danger lurking in towns and cities all across these United States, one right underneath your nose. They’re called “speed bumps,” and they’re endangering the youth of America:
An 18-year-old man using a shopping cart to “car surf” was killed when a Cadillac sport utility vehicle he was holding onto hit a speed bump and threw him to the ground, according to authorities.
Troopers said Cameron Bieberle, 18, of Winter Park, was killed when he hit the ground Sunday.
He was riding alongside a Cadillac Escalade, sitting in the cart and hanging onto the side,” said Kim Miller, spokeswoman for the Florida Highway Patrol. “The Escalade hit a speed bump and he was ejected.”
It’s time that we, as citizens of this great country of ours, did something about the dangers posed by these horrible nuisances. I implore all of you to write and call your Congressman, organize protests, and donate your time and services so that we can remedy this danger.
The Daily Memo - 3/10/08
Oh yeah … remember that whole fired U.S. attorneys business from last year? Well Dahlia Lithwick does, and she makes the new book from one such fired dude sound like quite the interesting read. (Slate)
So it turns out that Obama might have kinda/sorta won Texas last week. But the main stream media would never mess up calling election votes, would they? (Daily Kos)
Bush vetoed a bill that would ban waterboarding because he loves him some torture. (CNN)
The “my tits are too big” defense got a Japanese model out of a conviction for property construction. (Yahoo! News)
A lawyer who used her client funds to feed her gambling addiction is now suing AC and Vegas casinos. (Overlawyered)
The Senate is making it harder for our children to get foreign toys? Just because they make kids sick? Ridiculous. (FindLaw)
Raise your hand if you feel bad for the D.C. law firm that bought itself a Porsche Cayenne S, only to have the car spontaneously catch fire? … Bueller? … Bueller? (Law.com)
Just cause a guy takes a car on a slightly longer-than-normal test drive, he gets arrested for stealing the car? Sheesh — who knew 6200 kilometers was too much? (Mercury (the voice of Tasmania))
Uhm, I appreciate folks trying to be all neighborly and all…
…but when your neighbor comes over at five in the morning and asks to borrow your gun, nine times out ten this is going to be a bad idea.
Such was the case when Meloney Jackson borrowed her neighbor’s gun so she could put a cap in her husband’s ass. Apparently, Jackson tried to get a gun the week before from a gun dealer, claiming she needed it for self-defense in light of an upcoming divorce hearing. The gun dealer didn’t buy her self-defense story and wouldn’t sell her a gun, so she did what any upstanding citizen would do — sought help from the community.
“Baker County, Florida … where your neighbors care about you!”
[To save the inevitable commentor who will heckle me, yes, I now realize that Dustin already posted about this story last week. I’ll blame the fact that I wrote this yesterday while suffering through a wicked hangover which was clouding my thinking and ability to remember anything we recently discussed on this here site. “QuizLaw … where the writers are so stupid, they post the same shit a week later!”]
Don’t be cruel…
I often rag on criminal defendants who show up to the courthouse drunk. But David Blaisell — you, sir, are excused from my normal scorn. Sure, he’s just like all the others I diss, showing up to court tossed at eight in the morning to face a charge of stalking and violating a protective order.
But he showed up dressed like Elivs!
Seems that Blaisell has been an Elvis impersonator for the past five years, and so you can’t really fault the guy for showing up drunk. After all, the 64-year-old looks like old, fat Elvis, so he’s just method acting. Kudos, Mr. Blaisell.
“I’m a monster!”
No, Buster, turns out it’s Hillary that’s a monster. At least, that’s what Obama aide Samantha Power said last week. If you missed the story as it played out last Friday, here’s the deal. Power is a foreign policy aide for Obama, and also a rather smart Harvard educator-type (who also happens to maybe be schtupping a well-known law professor). And in an interview published in The Scotsman last Friday, she was reported as having said, among other things, that the Obama camp “fucked up in Ohio,” that Clinton’s recent antics “looks like desperation” and, the big one, that Hillary “is a monster … she is stooping to anything.”
The publication of this article of course led to an immediate shit storm and, hours later, Power was apologizing and resigning from Obama’s campaign. The shame of it is, she doesn’t seem all that wrong. I mean, I don’t know that I’d call Hillary a monster, but otherwise, I agree that the Obama troops may have screwed the pooch in Ohio and that Hillary has looked a little desperate at times lately.
Of course, she really had no choice but to resign, even though she’s not exactly in the Obama inner-circle. When I first heard about the article, it felt like a campaign move through and through, with an advisor slinging the mud so that Obama stayed clean and above the dirt. And I’m sure many others thought that, too. With folks thinking like that, perhaps the camp had no choice but to quickly cut her loose with a nice, clean voluntary resignation, lest her staying on board seem like tacit approval. And to their credit, it sells me that this wasn’t a full campaign strategy, because I don’t think Powers would’ve been their chosen sacrificial lamb on this one. And it certainly would’ve been in an interview with a bigger media outlet than the Scotsman.
Somebody Forgot to Take his Hemorrhoid Medication
Who knew the Matrix of Leadership gave you the grooves to move?
Remember that Evolution of Dance guy? Yeah, well he’s been one-upped!
Hillary “Hypocrisy” Clinton
Hypocrisy is thy middle name.
Despite pressure from Sen. Barack Obama, the Clinton campaign said Friday that it wouldn’t not release Sen. Hillary Clinton’s tax returns unless she secures the Democratic nomination. The news was greeted by harsh rejoinder from Obama’s campaign “Why should Democratic voters have to wait until after the primary campaign is over to find out important information about Senator Clinton’s finances that Senator Obama has already disclosed?” said Obama spokesman Tommy Vietor.
Eight years ago, when Hillary parachuted into NY to become our Senator, she and Howard Wolfson became completely obsessed with opponent Rick Lazio’s tax returns, which he did not release until the end of August.
They talked about them at every opportunity. In early July, Hillary called it “frankly disturbing.” A guy in an Uncle Sam outfit was dispatched to be a nuisance at various Lazio events in August. Howard himself showed up once to try to rattle Lazio by offering him a copy of some Chappaqua property tax receipt after Lazio said he’d release his state returns as soon as Hillary released hers (which didn’t exist, because she had just moved up here).
What’s the Senator hiding?
Doogie Howser, Esq.
Goddamn kid geniuses, always making me feel inadequate.
Brazil’s lawyers have been shocked to find that a boy aged eight has managed to pass the entrance exam to law school.
The Bar Association said the achievement of Joao Victor Portellinha should be taken as a warning about the low standards of some of Brazil’s law schools.
“If this is confirmed, the Education Ministry should immediately intervene … to investigate the circumstances of this case,” said the association’s president in Goias state, Miguel Angelo Cancado.
“My dream is to be a federal judge,” the boy said, according to Globo TV’s Web site. “So I decided to take the test to see how I would do … it was easy. I studied a week before the test.”
He studied a week?! Well, fuck that — I bet I could still drink him under the table, and really, that’s what law school’s all about.
The Daily Memo - 3/7/08
The best solution to a smoking ban in bars ever. (FindLaw)
Oofta - 51 exhibitors at CeBit got a “how you doing” visit from the patent police at CeBIT. (Engadget)
A class action lawsuit over Airborne has settled, and you might be able to get almost $50 if you’ve purchased some. (Above the Law)
Oh Clinton tax returns, Clinton tax returns, where art those fucking Clinton tax returns? (Time’s The Page)
Judge: “Hey thieving lawyer, go get a fucking job. Shovel snow off roofs. Whatever. Just pay back your fucking clients.” Or words to that effect. (FindLaw)
California says “get bent” to homeschooling? (Overlawyered)
Why’s it gotta be our school that gets F’ed with?
Courtesy of Concurring Opinions, we’ve now learned the dirty, dirty truth behind the US News & World Report law school rankings. A leaked memo shows how the rankings are updated each year and sitting tied at twenty is good old Boston University. Only, it ain’t going to be sitting there for long, according to the handwritten note which reads:
Let’s drop them a five spots this year. We need to freak out at least one school each year.
Sure, this “leaked” memo might be, uhm, not so authentic. But the sad thing is, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s actually how they put this shit together.
The best explanations are often the simplest explanations
A 50-year-old guy in the town of Niceville, Florida took the city’s name a bit literally. So when he went to a local Waffle House, he decided to treat folks to a nice show by dropping trow in the middle of the restaurant. He refused a request to go get changed in the bathroom, and began yelling out cusses and banging on the windows.
The cops showed up, naturally, and when they asked him what the deal was, he said:
I’m drunk. You know how I am when I’m drunk.
Well that’s bit on the nose
An Austrian lawyer, 49-year-old Markus Groh, recently took a trip to the Bahamas. Things wound up going a bit bad, and the poor guy died.
How’d it happen, you ask?
He was mauled by a shark.
War on Drugs Gets Desperate, Silly
I can’t think of a more ridiculous way to fight the war on drugs than to go after grocery stores, but Chicago has passed an ordinance banning the sale of tiny plastic bags (“self-sealing plastic bags under two inches in either height or width”) used to package small amounts of drugs. Chicago police feel the ordinance will be an “important tool” to go after grocery stores, health food stores and other businesses.
Because, really, the root cause of the drug trade all stems from those evil health food stores who have the audacity to stock their shelves with Glad bags. Now, what the hell are Chicagoans going to package their tiny sandwiches and oregano in?
What’s next? Ban the sale of fishnet stockings to curb prostitution? You could also criminalize the possession of playing cards to prevent illegal gambling.
How will the drug dealers ever work around this massive obstacle?
At the Car Wash — Talkin’ Bout the Car Wash, Girl
The latest in parenting trends has arrived, as two women have apparently figured out the quickest and best method to wash their baby!
A search is under way for two women caught on car wash surveillance video restraining a screaming girl and then using a high-pressure wand to blast her with water in an apparent form of punishment.
A manager at Magical Carwash located at 11105 Bloomfield Drive in Orlando said the women pulled into the business and immediately began to torture the young girl.
Diaz said the women never washed the car.
“They put $2 in, started the machine and went straight for the baby,” Diaz said.
I hope they at least got her the super-premium wash with wax and a protective coating to protect from oxidization.
What kind of world do we live in when a high-school student can’t call her school administrators a “douchebag” without literally creating a federal case?
Avery Doninger, 17, claims officials at Lewis S. Mills High School violated her free speech rights when they barred her from serving on the student council because of what she wrote from her home computer.
In her Internet journal, Doninger said officials were canceling the school’s annual Jamfest, which is similar to a battle of the bands contest. The event, which she helped coordinate, was rescheduled.
According to the lawsuit, she wrote: “`Jamfest’ is canceled due to douchebags in central office,” and also referred to an administrator who was “pissed off.”
After discovering the blog entry, school officials refused to allow Doninger to run for re-election as class secretary. Doninger won anyway with write-in votes, but was not allowed to serve.
I think the school is getting a bit bent out of shape over nothing, don’t you? If administrators don’t want to be referred to as douchebags, they oughtn’t read their students blogs. They got off fairly easy, if you ask me, and it’s completely absurd to keep a student from holding class office — it’s not like she threatened to blow up the school or harm anyone. Besides, canceling Jamfest really was a total douchebag move.
The Daily Memo - 3/6/08
I don’t know what’s more surprising to me, that Boner from “Growing Pains” was arrested for protesting, or that he’s the son of Walter Koenig (Checkov on “Star Trek”). (Pasadena Weekly)
The Supremes are getting into bed with corporate America? Man, Phillip Morris and the Scalia would make beautiful babies. (Slate)
Microsoft’s Vista gets some class. (43(B)log)
Tom Hanks hates lawyers? What the fuck? I didn’t think Hanks hated anybody. (Above the Law)
Ten years in the clink because the drug war is bullshit? Sounds about right. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! (Creative Loafing)
A Judge’s widow can’t try to get benefits because her man was worked to death. (Law.com)
Maryland is considering dry cleaning law. (WSJ Law Blog)
Lawyers: “$46,000 in attorneys fees for $44 of missed overtime payment.” Court: “There is no way on Earth this case justified the hours purportedly billed.” (Law.com)
Well it’s better than one of those damn garden gnomes
In Indiana, Stephanie Pochron pleaded guilty to drunk driving after she got in an accident which seriously injured another driver. Pochron got six months in the clink for her crime, followed by three years of probation. But there’s a tiny catch.
As part of her probation, she’s going to have to live with her wrecked car sitting in her front yard, to remind of her what happens when she gets tossed and hops behind the wheel. Seems reasonable enough.
My question is, if she moves, is she obligated to have the car towed or does the state pay for it?
Did I do that?
I suspect most folks are pretty embarrassed when they get busted for a DUI. Margot “Peggy” Cioffi, however, probably a bit more so than others.
She was recently busted for some drunk driving with a blood alcohol level over four times Florida’s legal limit. Seems she got into an accident and made the wise decision to simply drive home. When the cops showed up, she was screaming and yelling and raising a ruckus and all that, which got her charged with resisting arrest and disorderly intoxication on top of her DUI charge.
All embarrassing enough. But made all the worse by the fact that Peggy is the head of the Comprehensive Offender Rehabilitation and Education program, an agency which provides classes to folks busted for DUI. I guess the old saying is true — those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.
“Hey, whasssat? Ooooooo, isha tree. Thank the goodness — this booze is running frew me like da’nile.”
Yeah, turns out pissing on a tree isn’t such a great idea.
Particularly when it’s four in the afternoon and you’re sloshed.
… And when you’re on probation.
… And when the tree is right in front of a police station.
Anyone ever heard of a company called FlexPetz? It’s in the business of renting out dogs and cats to people who want the companionship in the short term; clients pay $300 plus $50 a month (as well as an additional charge when a pet is rented) for the right to borrow a pet from FlexPetz for a few weeks or months. Screening is done, the pets aren’t kept in kennels and, presumably, the service brings a lot of happiness to the clients, some of whom even ultimately adopt a pet. There are several branches nationwide, but FlexPetz’s attempts to open up an office in Boston have hit a snag.
Several state legislators have filed a piece of legislation attempting to ban the business of renting dogs and cats. Why?
Ray McSoley, owner of Animal Behavior Associates in Westwood, said, “I have no problem with ambassador dogs at hotels, but renting a dog is a four-legged escort service. It devalues all parties. It promotes the whole concept of no commitment. They take the most adoptable dogs out of a shelter, suck all the positive energy out of them for two years, then put them up for adoption. It’s a horrible idea.”
Sometimes, the truth works best
From Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, with a tip o’ the hat to reader Three Elle:
God Bless Vermont
Those crazy hippy pinko liberals really are more fun than a barrel full of sex toys:
Voters in two Vermont towns approved measures Tuesday calling for the indictment of President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney for what they consider violations of the Constitution.
More symbolic than anything, the items sought to have police arrest Bush and Cheney if they ever visit Brattleboro or nearby Marlboro or to extradite them for prosecution elsewhere — if they’re not impeached first.
Who cares if the measures are only symbolic? The majority of citizens in a town voted to have the goddamn President of the United States extradited and brought up on charges. How awesome is that?
The Daily Memo - 3/5/08
Why would a judge question a Motion in Limine seeking to prohibit “the defendant from touching, manipulating or marking on plaintiff’s demonstrative aids?” Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. (Above the Law)
“Save a hip, sue a critic.” (43(B)log)
Good man, that Bill Richardson. He says Hillary’s shitty “3 AM” ad was, well, shitty. Or at least, that he doesn’t agree with that shit. (The Huffington Post)
The streets are safer! “Man who punched his lawyer sent to jail.” (Lead Counsel Corner)
Fantasy sports and the Supreme Court? Man, the Scalia is going to fuck up my August draft somehow, I can feel it already. (Above the Law)
What’s in a name?
Last month, I put the QuizLaw Challenge out into the world, looking for some citations to QuizLaw in law review articles or, even better, in a published judicial opinion. Well that still stands, but I can’t believe I didn’t think of this when I was putting that challenge together.
What About Clients is this little blog that I stumbled upon over the weekend. Turns out, it’s a fellow ABA Journal Blawg 100 winner, as the Best All Business Blog. It’s a pretty interesting blog, but I’m particularly intrigued by this post from back in January:
QuizLaw is original, gutsy and fun.
Non-dweeb lawyers from New York and California write it. Dang. We’re naming our next son after it: QuizLaw Pennington Oliver. “We’re very proud of Quiz’. After Dartmouth, he’ll spend a year at the Sorbonne.”
Holy shit. Naming a kid QuizLaw? That’s amazing.
Dustin, why in the hell is your son not called QuizLaw? That’s some serious bullshit right there.
A very quick rant
Apparently, Florida state senator Ronda Storms doesn’t think people in her state are stupid enough. So she wants to make the next generation of Floridians stupider. How so? By allowing science teachers to “objectively” teach intelligent design.
No, I’m not even pretending to be unbiased on this shit. Those behind intelligent design don’t hide their bias, so why should I?
Intelligent design is fucking mythology, not science.
Wednesday Morning Reality Check
Well, the Obamamomentum has dried up. Hillary woke up this morning, vibrant, fresh-faced, and shrill, after winning Ohio, Rhode Island, and Texas last night. She’s already trying to make the election about the superdelegates, trying to force Florida and Michigan’s delegates to count, and it looks like Senator Clinton is going to run on the Democrat’s soft-version of a campaign of fear for the next month and a half.
That’s right, folks — at the very earliest, this thing runs until the April 22nd Pennsylvania primaries, meaning that Eagles and Steelers fans may decide the future of our country. We are so fucked. And I’ve got major campaign fatigue.
Meanwhile, asked whether she and Obama should be on the same ticket, Clinton said:
“That may be where this is headed, but of course we have to decide who is on the top of ticket. I think the people of Ohio very clearly said that it should be me.”
A month ago, I probably would’ve been happy with either one of them on the top of the ticket, but that goddamn woman has gotten on my last nerve. The idea of four to eight years of that shrieking laugh has made my heart convulse. I don’t think I could stomach it. Can someone please explain to me what the hell happened? My mother, who like most Americans, only gets bits and pieces of the news, said she didn’t want to vote for Obama because he was Muslim, because of his racist church, and because he didn’t put his hand on his heart for the pledge of allegiance and wouldn’t wear an American Flag pin. Are these honestly the factors that have stopped to Obama train? Do people actually believe these things and care about them?
He’s not just a pig, he’s a greedy pig
Michigan police officer David Kanapsky figured out a way to get himself a nice fat pay check. Last year, he wrote a whopping 2,347 tickets for stop sign violations, turning those tickets into lots of court appearances and hefty overtime payments. Coupled with his other ticket-related overtime, he made over twenty-one grand in overtime, raising his total pay to over $80,000 for the year.
Two-thousand three-hundred and forty-seven tickets. That’s almost nine tickets a day. With that many folks blowing through stop signs, Warren, Michigan must be one of the least-safe places to drive in the country.
That, or officer Kanapsky is a fraudulent bastard.
Simply the Best
Despite our vast, far-reaching blog empire, Seth and I have yet to start a sports blog, so if you’ll pardon the interruption into our hard-hitting legal analysis, I’d like to celebrate the retirement of Green Bay Packers QB Brett Favre with this very special video reel of some of Favre’s career highlights.
Thanks Brett, for allowing so many other teams to capitalize on your mistakes! Suck it, Pack.
Apparently, looks don’t kill, so this woman used a gun instead.
A woman is accused of borrowing a gun from a neighbor and then shooting and killing her husband Monday in their home south of Macclenny, according to the Baker County Sheriff’s Office.
Investigators said Meloney Jackson borrowed a gun from a neighbor, entered the house in the 7000 block of John Rowe Street and shot Kevin Jackson.
Baker County deputies responded to the scene at about 5 a.m. after neighbors reported hearing five gunshots coming from the house, WJXT reported. They found the husband dead of gunshot wounds in the front yard with a gun laying next to his body and took the wife into custody.
Moses Rogers Jr. was arrested for disorderly conduct. Fine. Dude was apparently wondering down the street in the wee hours of the night, when he passed by a cop car. Rogers decided it would be a good idea to yell an obscenity through the window at a patrol dog in the back seat. The patrol dog didn’t take to the rude words, and got a bit barky.
So you want to charge Rogers with disorderly conduct? Again, totally fucking fine. But to also charge him with cruelty to animals?
Take one guess what state this ridiculousness happened….
The Daily Memo - 3/4/08
A Finnish software company wants to trademark “Pwnage” for use with video games? That’s fucking ridiculous. (Kotaku)
But you know what’s not ridiculous? Moms fighting in a Chuck E. Cheese over one of their kids hogging a video game! (FindLaw)
A test-prep company in Texas has been sued by the folks who own the SAT and PSAT. (CBS11TV)
A 7-year-old boy owes the IRS back taxes on about $60,000. Sorta. (WBBM)
Maybe David Lat’s Facebook account was shut down because they thought he was actually several people, what with his incessantly stupid use of the royal “we.” (Above the Law)
How long will Delaware stay the king of the corporate mountain? (WSJ Law Blog)
Stabby McKnife says, “hey kids - put me in your enemies!”
Twenty-year old Jennifer Stroth (who appears in mugshot gold right over there) was recently arrested in the Denver area for a charge of domestic violence. Seems that Ms. Stroth thought the best way to resolve an argument with her boyfriend was with a little stabby-stabby. Which shouldn’t have come as a surprise to her boyfriend, considering the cops found evidence of at least two earlier knife attacks.
The unnamed boyfriend sustained serious injuries, which comes as no surprise. After all, not only was he repeatedly stabbed, but he’s 72.
Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that Stroth was dating a man 52(!) years her senior?
(The entry title comes from one of my all-time favorite threadless shirts.)
No Fucking Wonder They Hate Us in Iraq
Brave men and women? I know that most of the folks fighting in Iraq are, but these fuckers (mother mother mother fuckers) are giving the rest of them a bad name.
Words fail me. Really, honestly fail me. (Not Safe for Extreme Pet Lovers — Seriously, watch at your own risk).
“My eyes — the goggles do nothing!”
Holy hell in a handbasket. Last week, police in Virginia Beach arrested Robert B. Lewis in the parking lot outside of a grocery store. He was arrested for a rather common activity — placing pamphlets on folks’ car.
Well, except that he was drunk and they weren’t pamphlets as much as they were nude pictures of himself. Lewis says he wasn’t actually passing out the pictures, which he refers to as mementos from a past relationship.
Lewis said the pictures were in his car. He said the vehicle broke down and when he opened the doors and trunk, the wind scattered the images in the parking lot.
As he picked them up, Lewis said a customer with his daughter came up to him.
“He thought I stole something from her. He thought that maybe his family had, you know, lost something and I picked it up.”
Lewis said he showed the man the picture,”and he got really mad, and he started screaming and saying that I was a pervert.”
“If I get put in jail for some stupid stuff like this, there’s a good chance that I’ll lose my job, I’ll lose my apartment, lose everything I got,” said Lewis.
My only question, after looking at his mugshot, is, “how can I get my hands on them nekkid pictures?!?”
At least Nicholson hasn’t jumped the Hillary shark yet. Why? Because “there is nothing on this Earth sexier than a woman you have to salute in the morning.” C’mon, Jack: Come to the other side, man.
Do You Reject or Denounce, Senator Clinton?
Hillary Clinton, who ridiculously gave Barack Obama a healthy amount of shit for “denouncing” instead of “rejecting” the endorsement of anti-semitic, racist, and homophobic Louis Farrakhan, weirdly and ambiguously “disavowed” any knowledge that Obama was Muslim in what must have been the most awkward, clumsy, politically-calculated exchange of the campaign:
“You don’t believe that Senator Obama’s a Muslim?” Kroft asked Sen. Clinton.
“Of course not. I mean, that, you know, there is no basis for that. I take him on the basis of what he says. And, you know, there isn’t any reason to doubt that,” she replied.
“You said you’d take Senator Obama at his word that he’s not…a Muslim. You don’t believe that he’s…,” Kroft said.
“No. No, there is nothing to base that on. As far as I know,” she said.
“It’s just scurrilous…?” Kroft inquired.
“Look, I have been the target of so many ridiculous rumors, that I have a great deal of sympathy for anybody who gets, you know, smeared with the kind of rumors that go on all the time,” Clinton said.
Senator Clinton, respectfully, here’s the correct answer to the question: “Not that would be anything wrong with it if he were, but no: Barack Obama is not a Muslim. And anyone who suggest otherwise is an idiot. Next question, please.”
Reading is FUNdamental
Beloit Public Library director Dan Zack said when books aren’t returned, the library sends three overdue notices. After the third notice, a citation is sent that could include court date.
Givhan said she was in the process of moving so she never got the notices.
When a police officer pulled her over for a traffic violation in November, the officer found out about her outstanding warrant and took her to jail.
She and her family couldn’t afford to pay her fine so she remained in jail for six days.
I understand that, after three late fines, she’s eligible for the death penalty.
The Daily Memo - 3/3/08
The IRS is sniffing around Obama’s panties over a June ‘07 speech at the Trinity United Church of Christ. (Above the Law)
Vermont has joined some other states in considering whether to lower the drinking age to 18, at least for active military personnel, if not others. Why in the hell should we let people get drunk before they die for our country? Preposterous. (FindLaw)
Is a lawyer on trial simply exercising free speech or tying to taint the jury pool? (Law.com)
The Virginia Supremes have confirmed that spammers don’t have a constitutional right to bug the shit out of folks with junk e-mail. (Physorg)
I totally need to find a way to work “uberrimae fidei” into one of my legal briefs. (Sui Generis)
The French court says that Heineken’s website is illegal merde. (Drinks International)
A Michigan state representative won $2 million in the state lottery. (freep.com)
Maybe it’s just time for Hillary to roll over and die
Tomorrow is a big primary day, with Hillary looking for must-wins in Texas and Ohio. Now it turns out that Texas has quite a confuzzing system that’s a weird mix of primary, caucus and “don’t mess with Texas.” The Atlantic’s Marc Ambinder provides a sorta-explanation of the whole two-step process, which involves a vote that ends up proportionally awarding 126 Democratic delegates, followed by a caucus which awards an additional 67 delegates. While I try to keep myself pretty informed, I’ll admit that I didn’t learn about this cockamamey system until late last month, when a friend of our sister site pointed out that Hillary’s campaign strategists only recently realized that this complicated system (a) was complicated and (b) might favor Obama because of where folks live in the state.
How they didn’t understand this shit and plan for it much earlier, in a campaign that’s been in the works for fucking years, is beyond me. But that they’re now coming out and whining and bitching about it is just preposterous. Last week, Clinton aides started talking about how alarmed they were that the caucus rules were so unclear. They then raised the threat of litigation, which has the Texas Democratic Party bracing for a lawsuit which could delay or disrupt the state’s primary caucuses. Hillary’s political director denies that there’s a plan to sue the state party, but at this point, I wouldn’t put it past them. It would be terrible for the party and terrible for this election race, but Hillary seems to only care about winning so, you know, whatever with all that.
Bill Clinton endorses Obama!
Sure, it’s Past Bill Clinton, circa 2004, rather than Present Bill Clinton, but still.
That is one way to handle it…
Not content on letting Italy hog all the squicky age-inappropriate romancing all to itself, a couple in Northfleet, Kent, England had decided to stop fighting the relationship between their 16-year-old daughter and the 36-year-old divorced father of the one she loves (pictured). Better yet: he gets to live with her under their roof.
When Alison Garcia, 16, announced that she was leaving home to be with her 36-year-old lover, her parents could have been forgiven for hitting the roof.
Instead, Sheila and Paul Garcia did something most other parents would find unthinkable.
Last month, they invited divorced double-glazing fitter and father-of-one Craig Wright into their home, where he now shares a bedroom with their daughter.
According to 51-year-old Sheila, of Northfleet, Kent, who runs a yachting business with her 56-year-old husband, they had no choice in the matter.
And yes, the familiar tropes of her being mature for her age and him being so much better than those icky, insecure boys her own age did indeed pop up.
At least he has a job and can pay his own way. The only thing slightly worse than a grown man living with your daughter under your roof is one who is living on your dime. Am I right?