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Monthly Archives: October 2007
Happy Halloween, Denny!
I turned on the Democratic Debates last night and managed to watch nearly twenty whole minutes before the glint from a penny on my office floor distracted me. Man — these debates are punishing, especially now that everyone is taking swipes at Hillary. I got no problem with the idea, but come on, fellas: Use a swear word or show a little goddamn charisma. I don’t care — just say something really substantive, instead of delivering the bits of your stump speech that coincide with the question.
However, there was one interesting moment last night: We told you last week that Denny Kucinich, who ironically is currently questioning Bush’s mental health, apparently saw a UFO while he was hanging out with Shirley MacClaine. During the debate last night, Tim Russert actually asked Denny about it (though, he had the audacity to preface it with, “This is a serious question”) and Kucinich’s answer, as well as Obama’s follow-up, were the highlights of last night’s debate. Check out the video:
And I also ran across this video of Bill Clinton, standing up to one of those 9/11 Truthers during a speech last week. God, it just makes you miss Bill all the more when you contrast him with the options on the stage last night, huh?
Here comes the bride … into the courthouse
Dean Kuehnen Jr. was all set to marry Andria Castellano. Last December, the two then-21-year-olds got engaged, and Kuehnen gave Castellano a hefty 3.23-carat engagement ring worth a whopping $48,000. But this past September, the wedding was called off (the news story, unfortunately, fails to give us the reason for the called-off nuptials).
You can surely see where this is going - Kuehnen is now suing Castellano to either get the ring back or to get a nice $48,000 check (along with his legal fees and costs). Castellano has refused to return the ring, and even threatened to destroy it.
Kuehnen says the two had an agreement that she would return the ring in the event that the wedding was called off. The Emily Post Institute, which provides etiquette and manners advice, also says that a bride should immediately return an engagement ring in this situation, unless the ring is an heirloom of the bride’s family. Since that doesn’t appear to be the case here, it would seem that Castellano is failing to show proper etiquette and manners. Whore.
The Daily Memo - 10/31/07
Any column about the Supremes that begins with a “Real World” reference is aces-up in my book. (Slate)
As a former scientist-in-training, I’d love to see a science-only Presidential debate, though there’s no way we’ll ever get one. (Slashdot)
The FCC has decided to put the kibosh on exclusive deals between landlords and cable companies. (Gizmodo)
Click your heels three times and say “there’s no place like Blawg Review #132.” (Home Office Lawyer)
While the practice of law continues to get more diverse, black lawyers are still rather rare at the Supreme Court. (Law.com)
Awwww, bummer … the Supremes aren’t going to hear a case involving Elizabeth Taylor, a van Gogh painting and Nazis. (CNN)
A QuizLaw Update on the Latest Gay Republican
Yesterday, we told you about Richard Curtis, a Republican state legislator in the great state of Washington, who denied allegations that he was gay and had solicited sex during a legislative retreat. We asked Mr. Curtis, kindly, to come on out and loudly proclaim his homosexuality.
Well, he obliged (he must be a QL reader).
State Rep. Richard Curtis, R-La Center, admitted to having sex with a man he met at an adult video store in Spokane last week, according to a police report released Tuesday afternoon.
The report is filled with graphic details of an encounter that began at a porn store on a Spokane Valley strip and concluded miles away in Curtis’ room at the city’s poshest hotel.
The police report contains an account of how Curtis allegedly donned women’s clothing, red stockings and a black sequined lingerie top before engaging in a sex act at the store. He continued to wear them throughout the night under his clothing.
Black sequined lingerie? Oh, come on, Curtis. You’re a retired firefighter (and a married father of two). Why you gotta go there? And why is it, when Republicans are finally outed, they all have to be goddamn perverts of some sort. Can’t we just find a nice gay Republican in a normal, loving relationship?
If you are going to do something, then do it right
This Hackensack, NJ man was charged with having nearly a terabyte (as in 1,000 GB) of child porn in a secret room at his home. One possible reason for the secret room (besides, you know, the child porn being illegal) was that Hurley was surprisingly (and yet, not so much) married with two children.
Tangled wires connected a heap of hard drives to a 72-inch television, where Graham D. Hurley was able to watch the videos “in a huge way,” said Hackensack Police Chief Ken Zisa.
A fingerprint identifying system installed at the door of a second floor room was the only way anyone could get in and out, the chief said.
Police also found hidden cameras – tucked in air fresheners, humidifiers and a radio – that they said the unemployed Hurley used to spy on young girls who used the toilet or took showers, Zisa said.
Police originally went to his home due to a tip that he was molesting a minor (really? no!), and discovered the room during the arrest.
This guy doesn’t pussyfoot around when it comes to kiddie porn. I guess if you are going to have that much porn, regardless of the legality of its subjects, then you might as well go all out with it. No one is going to argue with you about how much porn is a reasonable amount at that point.
But this does raise some questions:
1) Does this count as a Guinness world record? If so, who has the horrible job of verifying it?
2) Who would ever want to touch that fingerprint scanner now?
3) Is there any way to sponsor building a special place in hell for this guy, if there isn’t one already?
4) When the hell did he find the time to watch all that, let alone find it?
5) Wouldn’t this be the worst adaptation to The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe ever?
Child Pornography is Bad, but …
The Bush Administration is urging the Supreme Court to uphold a provision in a law that makes it a crime to talk about illegal images, possess innocent materials that someone else might believe is pornography, or produce movies that depict adolescent sex. The offense is punishable by up to five years.
Great, right? Child porn should be outlawed, and those who peddle in child pornography should be prosecuted. But, if you read the above paragraph a little more closely, you’ll realize that this law doesn’t actually prosecute child pornographers. It prosecutes people who produce images or movies that aren’t technically child porn, but materials that people might think are child porn. In more obvious terms, the provision of the Protect Act would apply to smut dealers who film skin flicks featuring of age participants who are advertised as underage (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, just check your email spam folder).
Now, granted, I think child-porn dealers of all stripe should be taken out behind the woodshed and beat with a bag of switches within an inch of heir life, but this law not only infringes the First Amendment on its face, but think of the slippery slope: If someone thinks photos of your grandchildren in their swimming trunks is pornographic, then you could be held criminally liable. What’s more: Movies like Lolita and American Beauty depict adolescents having sex, but there aren’t any adolescents actually having sex — you’re just made to believe they are by the power of film! Sure, the Bush Administration claims that this provision wouldn’t apply to movies like that, but then again, it allows a court to make the distinction between what’s appropriate and what is not when the subject material is imaginary child pornography. All we have to go on, in fact, is the U.S. Solicitor’s statement that “the law is not meant to cover movies like ‘Lolita,’ ‘Traffic,’ ‘American Beauty’ or ‘Titanic.’” Is it because those were good movies? If Lolita was directed by, say, Ron Jeremy, would it be covered then? What about Bret Ratner? Where, exactly, is the distinction? And what if some sick bastard found the above photograph titillating? Does that then make it pornographic? Will the parent who took the photo be prosecuted? What if the parent sent the same photo with the caption, “Good pics with kids canoodling?” Will the parent be prosecuted for suggesting a perfectly innocent photo is lascivious?
This provision is kind of stupid.
Anyway, the 11th Circuit appropriately struck down the law. I just hope, for the sake of the First Amendment, that the Supreme Court follows suit.
Another Day, Another Gay Republican
Now, here’s my problem with the rash of Republicans unwillingly outed by their own actions — somehow, this plays into the hands of the G.O.P. platform. Every time someone discovers a Republican is gay, the mocking headlines pour forth, and said gay Republican is treated like a letch, thus stigmatizing homosexuality and setting the gay rights movement back another five years. So, c’mon Republicans: The next time one of you is outed, own it, herald it, proclaim it proudly. This denial business hurts both you and the cause, so cut it out, all right?
And yeah, I’m talking to you Richard Curtis. Curtis, a Republican state representative in Washington who was in Spokane last week for a legislative retreat, is being accused of having consensual sex with another man at the Red Lion Hotel (oooh — fancy!). Now, Curtis is purportedly being blackmailed by his alleged sexual partner, who has vowed to reveal the liaison unless Curtis meets his demands.
Well, so much for the extortion attempt — police are now investigating whether or not a sexual encounter took place. Curtis is on record stating that he is not gay and did not solicit sex. No, he says: He just got into a mess trying to help someone out. And if by “help someone out,” he meant, “give the man a reach around,” I’m sure he helped out quite a bit.
Now, Mr. Curtis — when and if you are officially outed, please (please) don’t deny your love of men, don’t say it was a mistake, and please don’t go to gay rehab. Just sing it out loud, man: “I’m Gay and I’m Proud.” The sooner all you Republicans do that, the sooner it’s going to be OK for the rest of the gay Republicans to come out without fear of reproach. Capisce?
Boy, Interrupted
This is just sick, folks. Sick. Sick. Sick.
A 24-year-old lab technician was apparently so hard up for a little loving that he had sex with a 92-year-old woman.
And not just any 92-year-old woman. A dead 92-year-old woman.
Anthony Merino has been charged with desecrating human remains … and that’s gotta be the most euphemistic way possible to refer to a man bumping uglies with a woman old enough to be his grandmother’s grandmother … his grandmother’s dead grandma.
Damn.
The Daily Memo - 10/30/07
The DOJ has sued a Florida court clerk for allegedly demoting an employee after she was called up to serve in the reserves. (TBO)
A Florida man was issued a trespass warning from a strip club after trying to get a dancer to give him oral pleasures in the champagne room (he was also arrested for solicitation). (NWF Daily News)
An Oakland 19-year-old is suing the city police after being accidentally run over by a cop car. (NorthJersey.com)
After a church was banned from having its bakesale at the local courthouse because of that pesky separation of church and state business, the county has decided to create a bake sale-specific policy. (Newsradio 620)
Jesus Christ - a Pennsylvania man’s excuse for beating up his girlfriend’s 2-year-old kid is that he’s not a morning person. (Centre Daily)
The New York state legislature wants to make it a felony “to display the symbol of lynchings in the Old South in a threatening manner.” (Yahoo! News)
A hick Maryland town is considering a zoning amendment that would act to block the building of a mosque. (Chicago Sun-Times)
Some Standford law students are grading prospective employers with “diversity report cards.” (NY Times)
Girl, Interrupted
Another case from Florida. Another crazy parent inflicting pain upon their child out of desperation and, maybe, even love. But don’t dismiss her yet:
A 39-year-old woman forcefully had her 13-year-old daughter’s genitalia pierced to make it uncomfortable for her to have sex, the girl told jurors in her mother’s child abuse trial.
The girl, now 16, told jurors Wednesday that her mother asked a tattoo artist friend in 2004 to shave the girl’s head to make her unattractive to boys and later held her down for the piercing.
It seems the mother found out that her daughter was sexually active and was even having sex with the mother’s boyfriend. Tired of dealing with her rebelliousness and in an effort to curtail the behavior, she had her daughter get the piercing. Originally, the daughter consented to the piercing in order to rebuild her mother’s broken trust. Child welfare officials got involved after the piercing got infected.
The mother’s defense attorney also added:
“It wasn’t torture or extreme violence,” [Defense attorney Donald] Day said. “It was, in the young girl’s words, to try to save her. … That decision was a last-ditch effort. In my client’s mind, she had no other options.”
Frankly, if the girl was so out of control that this was the only option left, her mother should have just cut her loose. Children who feel they are grown enough to act in such a manner to warrant such an extreme reaction apparently think they have life figured out, and need to learn that they don’t. I do not agree with the mother’s actions, but I understand the reasons behind them. It may sound cruel, but if the only thing she has to worry about is an infected piercing instead of an STD or a child she can’t take care of, she should count her blessings.
The mother is charged with two counts of aggravated child abuse, and is looking at up to 30 years if convicted. The tattoo artist was given a year for her role, and an arrest warrant has been issued for the asshole boyfriend who thought it fun to nail a 13-year-old.
UPDATE: It seems the mother was acquitted. Not only that, but it seems that the defense offered a plea deal for a reduced sentence, but the judge would not accept it, believing the mother needed harsher punishment.
If this guy really wants to see stupid, he should start prosecuting crimes in Florida
In Athens, Ohio, Martha LaFollete has been charged with felony vandalism after allegedly “digging up her ex-boyfriend’s grave and stealing his ashes.” Seems that LaFollete was not invited to Roger Barber’s funeral and the cops speculate that this pissed her off enough that she decided to steal his ashes. So in June, she went to his grave and dug the man’s remains up. The theft was discovered two weeks late, and the cops eventually found Barber’s ashes at the house of one of LaFollete’s relatives.
LaFollete is scheduled to go on trial in January after recently pleading not guilty, and she faces up to a year in the clink plus a $2,500 fine.
The county prosecutor said: “I have a category of crimes that I like to refer to as ‘aggravated stupid.’ I have been doing this for almost 30 years now and I have never had anyone steal someone’s ashes.”
I Don’t Care What the Bible Says; Jesus Hates You
From Syracuse.com:
Jesus R. Medina is facing charges of third-degree criminal possession of a weapon, second-degree menacing and endangering the welfare of a child, deputies say … It appears that [Jesus] on Saturday night was arguing with the woman outside his home. He revved the engine of his vehicle, put it in gear and dragged the woman down the driveway. [Jesus] using a machete then allegedly threatened a man trying to help, deputies say. A chase ensued. [Jesus] reportedly dropped the machete and punched the other man and a child the victim was holding both in the face.
Jesus doesn’t mess around with sinners no more — you sin, that’s a punch in the face. You break a commandment, you get dragged down a driveway. You take his Dad’s name in vain? He bends you over his knee and snaps your spine in too. Jesus 2.0 is a bad ass.
I Bet The NY Times Wedding Section Misses This One
A group of Florida corrections officers allowed two female inmates to wed earlier this year in an elaborate same-sex ceremony presided over by a fellow convict, according to a newly released investigative report. The St. Patrick’s Day ceremony at the Lowell Correctional Facility resulted in the suspension of six corrections officers, the firing of one guard, and the resignation of another, according to a Department of Corrections inspector general’s report, a copy of which you’ll find below. The same-sex ceremony occurred in the prison’s “Close Management Unit” and featured a wedding cake, pink bows fashioned from prison forms, and one bride wearing a makeshift bridal veil, investigators reported. The cake was topped with figures of two women. A review of prison surveillance tape revealed that the 6:15 PM wedding began with one bride exiting a cell with a flower bouquet in her arms. The bride was accompanied down the stairs by another inmate, who apparently was giving her away. They “proceeded down the stairs to the center of the quad” where they were met by the other bride. After a ten-minute ceremony, the newlyweds—who were not allowed to kiss—cut the wedding cake, while other inmates began dancing. IG interviews of inmates and guards determined that the cake was made from canteen items donated by fellow inmates and that rings exchanged were fashioned from dreadlock hair and dental floss.
Rings fashioned from dreadlock hair and dental floss? Well, I hope it costs the bride at least three-months worth of cigarettes. I understand, too, that the two women are going to spend their honeymoon in solitary confinement. Very romantic.
Shove Those Freedom Fries Up Your Ass, Lady
You know what? Good for Nicolas Sarkozy. During a “60 Minutes” interview taped several weeks ago, Leslie Stahl was introduced to the French way of doing things, i.e., if you ask about a politician’s personal life, be prepared to see your interview terminated. That’s exactly what Sarkozy did (video below) after Stahl asked him about his marriage.
In the interview with CBS’ “60 Minutes” broadcast on Sunday, the French president sparred with the U.S. correspondent, called his press secretary an imbecile, said he was too busy to make time for a “stupid” interview and ended the whole conversation abruptly when asked about the state of his marriage to Cecilia.
The Sarkozys’ divorce was announced about two weeks later.
“If I had something to say about Cecilia, I would not do so here,” he said before cutting off further questions.
Maybe it’s silly, but I actually find it refreshing to see a politician declare that he’s too busy for a television interview, and I especially find it admirable that the guy basically told Stahl to stick it when asked about his personal life. Then again, Guiliani doesn’t answer questions about his family or previous marriages either, but I find nothing either refreshing or admirable about him. Maybe it’s just Sarkozy’s dark eyes, dapper suits, and that sexy French accent. Oooooh la la.
The Daily Memo - 10/29/07
The Senate more than doubled the House, passing a seven-year extension on the ban against an internet tax (the House extension only runs for three years). (Gizmodo)
So wait - judges making tasteless gay football jokes is a bad thing now? (Above the Law)
Ouch - a Mississippi plumber sued the millionaire who stole his wife away from him, and the plumber got over $750K in damages. (AP)
Hee-hee … “penal code.” (Legal Antics)
What of lawyers and threesomes with their clients? (Supreme Dicta)
“A candidate’s perspective on the [AALS hiring conference] meat market.” (Concurring Opinions)
The Ice Cream Man Cometh
In Portsmouth, Virginia, Claudio Jose Sanchez fought the good fight. Sanchez is an ice cream truck driver, and how can you not love the ice cream man? Well it seems that the Portsmouth City Council are a bunch of curmudgeons who inexplicably don’t like the ice cream man, because they passed a city ordinance banning Sanchez and other ice cream truck drivers from playing music out of their trucks to lure bring in the kiddies. Sanchez was convicted of violating the ordinance on three seperate occasions over the summer, and decided to appeal the most recent conviction.
Well Portsmouth city attorneys have now agreed to ask the City Council to revise the ordinance, removing the flat-out ban and maybe setting up a decibel limit instead. They’re also asking the Portsmouth police to stop enforcing the current ordinance. As Sanchez’s attorney put it: “The city of Portsmouth can welcome back the ice-cream man and the music of ‘The Entertainer.’”
Huzzah!
David Lat: The Biggest Loser
The results of Sui Generis’ “Best New York Based Law Blawger” are in, and I’m told that I was the “clear winner.” That’s right, folks. Landslide. Did you hear that, David Lat? What do you say to that, bitch? How do you feel about it, huh? I wiped the floor with your shirt, hotshot. Kicked. Your. Ass. Yeah, that’s right — when it comes right down to it, people prefer my half-assed ramblings on the nature of the criminal legal system to all that hooey about biglaw salaries and hottie contests. How does it feel, captain? You and your big-time blockbuster blawg getting hosed by the likes of little ole’ me. Sure, you have a Wikipedia entry, but I’m the most popular NY-based blawger in town. A lot of good that Yale law degree did you, huh buddy? The people have spoken, and the people say: You suck. Pack up your knives and leave, loser. There’s a new blawgstar in town, and his name is me. Suck it, Lat. Long and hard and …
What? Lat isn’t a NY-based blogger. He wasn’t even in the running? Seriously? Ah, hell. Damn you, David Lat. Damn you and your sparkly eyes, nice suits, and indeterminate sexual orientation.
Seriously, though: Thanks for the votes, folks. And thanks to the good people over on our sister site for contributing to the cause. You’ll now have to suffer my massive ego. And thanks to Nicole for hosting the contest. I’m giddy about selecting my single item from Billable Hour (luxury watch line and sets excluded).
And next time, Lat. You just wait. Next time.
Larry Craig — Bad Lay
For those of you who haven’t run across it yet, Wonkette has the exclusive on the lurid account of a man who says he toe-tapped with Senator Larry Craig in a hotel room. Here’s a taste.
“When we got to what reminded me of a rarely used guest room, he stripped me down, and the man’s hands and mouth were all over me. He kept his pants on, though, while laying me back on the bed to suck my cock. Then, he stripped naked and asked me to suck him. I complied for a while, then he disappeared and returned with lube and a condom to fuck me with. It was a clumsy and unremarkable fuck, except that I wasn’t clean and he was frantic about not getting my shit on anything. Still, he blew his load, ripped the dirty condom off and ordered me to get dressed without wiping myself. He hurried me to the back door, again ranting, ‘You were never here. You don’t know me. Right?’”
The rest is over at Wonkette. It’s kind of … unseemly. Meanwhile, another revelation has come forth in this increasingly lurid case: Larry Craig, before the Minneapolis airport arrest, was threatening a suit against an Idaho newspaper for investigation rumors that he was gay.
The Daily Memo - 10/26/07
Awesome - a telephone survey found Stephen Colbert polling at 13% as a hypothetical independent candidate against Hillary and Rudy. (Ramussen Reports)
Sam Adams versus Sam Adams … fight! (WSJ Law Blog)
Congrassman Boucher (D-VA) isn’t too happy about Comcast’s bittorrent blocking shenanigans. (Slashdot)
The State bar of California and the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights are stuck in a pretty messy spat over affirmative action. (Fox Noise)
A Baltimore judge has barred the use of partial finger prints in a murder trial because the fact that they’ve been used for almost 100 years just doesn’t establish that they’re absolutely 100% reliable. (Baltimore Sun)
SanDisk has filed a patent infringement lawsuit against 25 companies, over USB drives. (Gizmodo)
I need to move to Australia
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing wasting my time in the so-called “bars” the US has to offer, when I could be hanging out in real bars down under:
A barmaid has been fined for crushing beer cans between her bare breasts while an off-duty colleague has been fined for hanging spoons from her friend’s nipples, Western Australia police said today.
Awesome, right? And the cops had the nerve to fine the breasty barmaid a grand, and hit the nipple-spoony gal for $500, just for offering the patrons some solid and wholesome entertainment? Preposterous. A local police superintendent says that this “sends a clear message to all licensees … that we will not tolerate this type of behaviour in our licensed premises.”
Phooey.
Ah, small town life
In Lexington, Kentucky, all the talk seems to be over a master crime recently committed against popular downtown restaurant Alfalfa. On Sunday night, someone got into the restaurant and made off with the 100 pound safe kept in the back office. There was no appearance of forced entry, and this took place even though there’s a police station right across the street and a courthouse across from the back-alley entrance where the thieves likely made their getaway.
The highlight of this story is really the video report on WKYT’s website. First, I applaud their use of Henry Mancini’s fantabulous Pink Panther theme in the background. But more entertaining is the fact that folks are so impressed and baffled by this robbery. You’d think they were talking about the theft of the actual Pink Panther diamond from a high security vault for Christ’s sake.
Silly Goths
An unnamed goth guy in Tulsa, Oklahoma decided to make a fashion statement by wearing handcuffs attached to one wrist, allowing the other end to dangle. Ok, whatever — I don’t get the whole goth thing, but I’ve certainly seen much weirder than that. But this goth guy also happens to be an idiot because it’s probably not the best idea to walk past a courthouse with dangling handcuffs. Because, you know, it might look like you’ve just escaped or something.
Someone saw the trendy goth guy and, noticing the dangling cuffs, called the cops. The cops stopped the man but released him after determining that there were no outstanding warrants.
Next week, word has it that goth guy is planning to wear a ski mask into a bank. “It’s just easier to put the black mask on, you know, instead of putting on the black eyeliner and lipstick, you know?”
Stalkers Really Have Lowered their Standards
NPR-handbag toting fans of Garrison Keillor — who is about as aesthetically pleasing as a giant sack of potatoes thrown against the wall — may be surprised to know that he nevertheless has his own stalker (what — do they hand them out at the airport these days?). Indeed, Keillor, who hosts the droning, insufferable “Prairie Home Companion” radio show (I’m a “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me” guy, myself) had to secure a restraining order against a 43-year-old woman because she wouldn’t stop phoning his house, sending explicit emails and disturbing gifts, like a petrified alligator foot and dead beetles (homewarming presents?)
Keillor claims that the letters and emails he received were often “disturbing, unintelligible and rambling,” (much like his radio show) and in one, his stalker — Andrea R. Campbell — “graphically described making love to me,” which is only slightly less disgusting than the petrified alligator foot (sorry, folks — for reasons I, myself, don’t understand, I have an unhealthy loathing for Garrison Keillor, who now reads insufferable poetry every weekday morning on NPR).
Campbell said Keillor had misunderstood the letters, e-mails, packages and phone calls. She said she was never closer to his house than the sidewalk.
“I believe that he’s paranoid, or some woman, his wife, is upset and told him he has to do something about it,” she said.
While Campbell said she loved Keillor, she also said it wasn’t physical. She said she is a happily married woman with five children.
“It’s transcendental love, that’s all” she said. “Between a writer and a reader.”
Man, it is a sad world we live in when even Garrison Keillor can get a stalker — I’d love to see the man crush his larynx with a Powdermilk Biscuit. Hell, I’d probably contribute a lot more to NPR fund drives myself if it weren’t for the fear that Keillor would receive a portion of my proceeds.
(HT/Shyestviolet)
I’m not Racist — I Just Think Whites Are Smarter, That’s All
The WaPo is carrying an interview with Presidential candidate Joe Biden today and claiming that he made some sort of gaffe during the sit down.
After a lengthy critique of Bush administration education policies, Biden attempted to explain why some schools perform better than others — in Iowa, for instance, compared with the District. “There’s less than 1 percent of the population of Iowa that is African American. There is probably less than 4 or 5 percent that are minorities. What is in Washington? So look, it goes back to what you start off with, what you’re dealing with,” Biden said.
I know what most of you are thinking, but don’t go there. That’s not what he meant at all. He wasn’t implying that D.C. schools perform poorer than Iowa schools because there are more blacks in D.C. schools than in Iowa. That’s not what he meant at all. Jesus — cut the guy a break. Give the Senator a little credit and stop twisting his words around.
Clearly, what he meant was: Iowa schools perform better because there are more whites in Iowa. Sheesh. You people: Always assuming the worst. Tsk. Tsk.
The Daily Memo - 10/25/07
Stephen Colbert doesn’t care about silly election laws because our administration has taught us that true patriots don’t care about the law! (Slate)
This is understandable - I was often tempted to shoot up some of my law school books. (WSJ Law Blog)
Verizon is starting to make amends for cutting off folks who used too much of its “unlimited” data plans, but I suspect we haven’t heard the last of this silly mess just yet. (Engadget)
The California legislature has closed up an unintended loophole (at least, the court had ruled there was a loophole) in an earlier publicity rights law, meaning that Marilyn Monroe’s estate can now stop unauthorized use of her likeness. (WSJ Law Blog)
Well it was surely more interesting than what they were actually saying. (Legal Antics)
The real world lawsuit over the virtual Second Life world has settled, and the guy who sued is getting his account reactivated so that he can, once again, kiss reality goodbye. (Impact)
The IRS lucked out, as the final bill for last year’s phone tax refund is looking to be only about half of the expected $8 billion payout. (CNN)
This is a great story about a woman who hid her lotto jackpot from her eventual ex-husband, and the bouncer who got his mitts into the middle of it all. (Miami Herald)
Dear Valued Customer: You are a dumbass
Imagine you are a petty crook and you want to make some fake IDs. You want them in a hurry, but you don’t want them to be crappy, do you? So, what would be a good way to solve both problems? If you said “steal a printer designed to print driver’s licenses,” then you are of one mind with Timothy Short. He stole one from a Missouri state office, and even remembered to take the PC that was attached.
But now a new problem cropped up. The PC was locked by a special key kept in a separate secure location. This lock rendered the computer unusable to anyone. Now Timothy was stuck with a useless computer and a printer that would not work without the proper drivers. So how did he fix his dilemma?
Why, he did what any other person having trouble with his computer would do. He called tech support.
Surely, this would have normally been a good idea. But what Tim did not know was that the Secret Service was listening in on the customer service calls:
According to a sworn statement by Secret Service Special Agent John Bush, someone who identified himself as “Scott” called Digimarc two days later and asked if he could buy printer drivers for the model of printer that had been swiped from the St. Charles office.
The Secret Service agent later listened to a recording of this call and recognized Short’s voice from a prior investigation, Bush said. The caller also gave Digimarc the same phone number Short had used in an unrelated identity theft case, Bush said.
Agent Bush happily ‘assisted’ good old Tim right into a jail cell (the charge is “possession of document-making implements”), and now he is facing 10 years in prison and a whopping $250,000 fine. Next time, buddy, you might want to check the website first. Or not steal government printers. Whatever.
You gotta know when to hold ‘em…
Ah, gambling, how many ways do I love thee? (The over/under on that is 17, by the way.)
The WSJ Law Blog has a great post about the fight to legalize online poker, a fight being led by Charles Nesson and Alan Dershowitz. Dershowitz is involved in the defense of an offshore-betting website executive, while Nesson is working with some Harvard Law students to create the Global Poker Strategic Thinking Society. Huh — I guess something good can come out of Harvard Law (in fact, Harvard even has a law class on gaming law — where was that course when I was in law school, damn it!).
Nesson says that he thinks it’s nuts that Congress banned online poker and gambling: “The idea of internet freedom is a core notion of modern political freedom.” Damn straight — fists in the air for online poker! Nesson goes on to talk about the great benefits poker can offer to law students who are supposedly being trained to think deeply, and he gives the following advice to law students: “If they want to do something useful in their outside time, they should play poker.”
See, if I had professors like this when I was in law school, maybe I’d be a bit better at the game, and I wouldn’t have dropped so much money on the Vegas poker table last August. Damn you BU School of Law!
Little green men need not apply
Orange County, California is already a weird place. But Linn Murphy and Steve Zingali try to make it a little weirder by flying their custom-made UFOs over the night sky. They love flying them because of “the ‘gotcha’ element of fooling people.”
And actually, homemade flying saucers isn’t really that out of the ordinary for the OC. But I love this story because on one occasion, an Irvine cop tried to cite Zingali for one of his flights. Says Zingali:
“I said, ‘Sir, unless you’re with the FAA, my lights are not causing a disturbance. And unless you can show me a code we’re breaking, I think we’re going to continue to fly.”
As Lt. Rich Paddock, the Aliso Viejo police chief, helpfully explains: “[T]hey’re not doing anything illegal. There’s no ordinance that says it’s illegal to fly a super-double-secret, gyroscoptic UFO in county airspace.”
If that ain’t the quote of the week, I don’t know what is.
Gay? That Ain’t OK
I live about three blocks away from the main Cornell University campus here in central NY. It’s a bastion of hippy-dippy liberalness around here and, since I rarely trek outside of the three-mile radius beyond campus except to go to Boston or NYC, I tend to forget that the rest of the largely rural area surrounding Ithaca is a cultural cousin to Pennsyltucky — Yankee versions of Southern rednecks.
Well this week I was reminded of it when I picked up the local paper and read about a controversy taking shape in the small, adjacent town of Spencer, NY, where a petition signed by the local high-school alumni had to be brought to the school board asking that the school be safe for gay students. Seriously. In 2007. In the Northeast.
It started about a month ago, when Heathyre Farnham (note the spelling — she must be an Ithacan transplant) wore a T-shirt to school that said: “Gay? Fine By Me,” a t-shirt that got her sent home because the principal felt it was disruptive. After the school attorney noted that the principal made a mistake, a lot of locals and even the ACLU asked that the principal apologize.
Naturally, the principal has yet to apologize, but it wasn’t until this week that Heathyre was allowed to wear the T-Shirt again, by which time her and her mother had raised enough money to buy 130 of them to hand them out at school. And, of course, members of the football team snagged a few and added “Gay? Fine By Me … But Keep It Outta School.”
Lovely. At any rate, a few locals are trying to ban T-Shirts all together, for fear of the violence they might provoke (a fear based, in part, on the racial tensions here at Ithaca High school, where a rumored “hit list” has been taken out on some minority students).
And then a local pastor in Spencer just sort of summed it up for me, saying that “he thinks homosexuality is immoral according to the Bible. ‘I don’t hate homosexuals any more than I hate murderers and adulterers.’” Great — homosexuals and murderers are on the same level, huh?
Weird — I grew up a few miles from Little Rock Central, where 50 years ago, the National Guard had to be called in so that a black students could enter the school. And now, five decades later, the intolerance in the freaking state of New York is not much better. It’s all very embarrassing.
Back Away from the Roses, Denny
Denny Kucinich — who’s so crazy he actually makes sense sometimes — may be guided by higher powers. And no, I’m not talking about Jesus.
Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich has claimed to have seen a UFO, according to Shirley MacLaine in her new book, “Sage-Ing While Age-Ing.”
Kucinich “had a close sighting over my home in Graham, Washington, when I lived there,” the actress, a close Kucinich friend, wrote. “Dennis found his encounter extremely moving. The smell of roses drew him out to my balcony where, when he looked up, he saw a gigantic triangular craft, silent, and observing him.
“It hovered, soundless, for 10 minutes or so, and sped away with a speed he couldn’t comprehend. He said he felt a connection in his heart and heard directions in his mind.”
Those directions? To get the hell away from the crazy lady who talks to trees as politely as possible without incurring the wrath of her former lives. Go sell batshit somewhere else, Shirley. Denny may be certifiable, but his wife is hot, and in the United States of America, that counts of something, damnit.
The Daily Memo - 10/24/07
Good riddance - the asshat judge who sued the dry cleaners for $54 million over his lost pants has not been reappointed to the bench. (Express)
Seven Red Sox fans have been given homework by a judge over their disorderly conduct - they have to “write a five-page essay explaining what they have learned from” being arrested after the end of the ALCS. (ESPN)
More law firms are cutting or changing their billable hours requirements for first year associates. (Concurring Opinions)
It doesn’t really mean anything but, nevertheless, good ol’ BU School of Law is number 4 in the Princeton Review rankings. (TaxProf Blog via Likelihood of Confusion)
Chuck Norris doesn’t endorse candidates - candidates endorse Chuck Norris. (Supreme Dicta)
Amazon has been granted a patent for the use of a search string in a website URL. (Download Squad)
A man who wrongfuly spent 18 years in jail for a rape he didn’t commit has been awarded $360,000 from the state, but now he’s gotta deal with a lawsuit from his baby momma for back child support. (WRAL)
The Sixth Circuit has ruled unconstitutional the federal requirements that porn sites verify the age of the guys and gals in the porn photos. (How Appealing)
Who’s got two thumbs and a public censure? This guy!
Justice Edmund Caplicki, a local judge in the Poughkeepsie area of New York, is an idiot. Back in 2005, he basically told a lawyer, during a court proceeding, that she had a nice ass. Seems that Ruth Boyer was defending a man against theft accusations and Justice Caplicki claims that the accused thief had made comments about the lawyer’s rear. However, the Justice then asked three other male defendants if they agreed that the lawyer had a bodacious rump, and he also asked her if it was “so bad” that folks thought she had a nice tush, laughing while he asked her this.
Two years later, Caplicki has now been publicly censured. The state Commission on Judicial Conduct opted not to kick him off the bench because it determined that this was “an aberration” in Caplicki’s record.
Best part of waking up
In Easton, Pa. parents are resting a little easier come Christmas morning. Because now, the kids have gotten the message: don’t f*ck with Mommy or Daddy before the coffee is done.
Juan Arreola (probably already pissed at all the jokes about his name) pleaded guilty for several charges involving his girlfriend’s 2-year-old son, including assault and endangering the welfare of a minor. Arreola, prosecutors say, had been viciously abusing the child, the most recent incident happening happening in the morning when the boy woke him up. Arreola proceeded to throw the kid across the room, following it up with a squeeze of his face and a few punches to the chest. But what was really genius was his excuse for doing so.
When Northampton County Judge F.P. Kimberly McFadden asked Arreola if that’s how he regularly treated 2-year-olds, he replied: “I was working till midnight. I’m not a morning person.”
McFadden said she was almost speechless.
“You’re going to look at me straight in the face and say ‘I’m not a morning person,’?” she asked.
Of course, he had other excuses for the other times he beat the kid, including one where he kicked him because the child got in his way while they were moving and his hands were full with boxes. The judge (obviously much more well-rested than Arreola) ordered him to undergo psychological and psychiatric evaluations and set sentencing on Dec 14, where he could get a maximum of 20 years.
So parents new and old, with this printed out, helpfully highlighted and stuck outside your door, you will suddenly find your kids a lot more self-starting (and quiet!) in the morning.
So does that mean that a purple nurple is out of the question?
Earlier this month, 38-year-old Louis Carlos Perales was arrested for public intoxication and making threats to kill. The cops had received a call that Perales was on his way to a house where he was likely to get into it with his wife. The cops showed up in time to see Perales roll up in his SUV and then belligerently jump out. He got into the cops’ faces, and started yelling at his wife, reportedly saying “you better be gone when I get out because I’m going to kill you.”
So he was arrested, naturally. And that would be the end of this story, but Perales had to go and get a third charge for assault and battery on a police officer. Here’s the kicker though — the assault and battery in question?
Perales gave one of the cops a wet willie!
Dumbledore: Gay. Strict Constructionist Revolt.
Michael C. Dorf, a columnist for Findlaw, wrote a somewhat amusing column yesterday about J.K. Rowling’s revelation that Dumbledore was gay and how an originalist would take issue with Rowling’s outing, noting that the original meaning of the Potter text doesn’t support her contention.
Given that the Potter books, now complete, make no mention of Dumbledore’s sexuality, Rowling would not appear to have any authority to declare the print version of Dumbledore gay, straight or bi. Her views on such matters are naturally of interest to fans of her books, but the work must stand on its own.
These principles may seem obvious enough when considering the relation of a fiction writer’s intentions to her text, but they are highly contentious when it comes to legal documents. In the balance of this column, I will explain why James Madison is no more of an authority on the meaning of the U.S. Constitution, than J.K. Rowling is on Dumbledore’s sexual orientation.
I’ll admit it’s an amusing conceit for a column and one with the potential for serious amounts of satire. But Dorf doesn’t seem to be kidding around. I haven’t read any of his past columns, but judging from the tone and tenor of this one, Dorf seems deadly serious:
In other words, even if some of Us the People think that the Fourteenth Amendment’s Equal Protection Clause is best read in 2007 to permit Dumbledore to marry whomever he chooses, regardless of sex, the Supreme Court might nonetheless decide not to recognize his right to do so until it sees a clearer social consensus on the point. The one thing the Court should not say, however, is that Dumbledore cannot marry a man in 2007 simply because same-sex marriage was not allowed in 1868, when the Fourteenth Amendment was ratified.
Umm. Mr. Dorf — lighten up, big guy. It’s just a book, k? Do you apply Constitutional interpretation to movies, too? And if so, can you explicate the meaning behind the pivotal scene in Judd Apatow’s Knocked Up, in which Katherine Heigl’s drunken character — horny beyond belief and in the throes of lovemaking — tells her sexual partner, played by Seth Rogen, who is fumbling with a condom: “Just do it.” Maybe you can solve their ongoing debate: Did she mean, “Just do it,” as in hurry up and get the condom on, or “just do it,” as in, forget the condom and fuck me now?
What do you think the Framers of the Constitution would say?
So, What’d You Do Today While Waiting at the Bus Stop?
A Floridian resident was arrested, charged with solicitation to commit lewd molestation and attempted child abuse, and held on a $225,000 bond, because he apparently believed that a school bus stop was a great place to pick up the ladies.
A Fort Pierce man was arrested Thursday after police said he approached an 11-year-old girl at a bus stop and offered to pay her money for a lap dance … According to a police report, [Horacio] Benitez admitted to police that he showed the girl an undisclosed amount of cash and asked her for a lap dance while she waited for her school bus to arrive. Police said the girl told investigators that she did not know what a lap dance was.
In defense of Benitiz, however, the girl did look twelve.
Oh, and parents: Walk your kids to the bus stop, OK? Especially if you live in Florida.
The Daily Memo - 10/23/07
“Theft charges filed against man who cut his own tongue” out. (WSFA)
Supreme Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says that even if Roe v. Wade were to be overturned someday, she thinks abortion would always be available to “women of means,” so the real impact would be a “devastating [one] on poor women.” (FindLaw)
In Australia, “a business man went on a $15 million spree, showering his mistress with first class travel, jewelery and designer clothes to stop his wife getting the family wealth.” The Court wasn’t impressed. (The Daily Telegraph)
A NYC lesbian has filed a gender-discrimination lawsuit because she was thrown out of a ladies room for looking too manly. (The Raw Story)
A scumbum former lawyer serving a 26-year sentence for sexual abuse of a 6-year-old boy will get to see a piece of his case argued in front of the Supremes (the issue involves the use, at trial, of a videotape of the 6-year-old boy’s testimony). (The Star Tribune)
Could a confirmation of Michael Mukasey as the next AG be a worse thing than many think? (Slate)
Semper Fi!
Twenty-year-old Chase C. Allen was recently in court facing misdemeanor trespassing and disorderly conduct charges. He had been arrested back in April for futzing around in an E.R. after having been discharged (he had originally gone in because of injuries that appeared to be from a fight). But Allen managed to plea out and have the charges dropped, which meant that the fresh Marine recruit would be able to show up to the scheduled start of his boot camp.
And what did Allen have to do for the plea, you ask?
Drop and give ‘em 50, of course.
Yup - Allen just dropped down in the middle of the courtroom and started doing pushups, with a uniformed Marine recruiter giving him encouragement from the gallery. He hit 50, threw in one or two more for good measure, and wound up receiving applause from the other folks in the gallery. Judge Barbara Collins then accepted the plea and allowed the charges to be dropped (and then ran to the press to make it very clear that she had nothing to do with it and would never make someone do pushups).
“Sir, I say that this will not make an issue, whether the oats were severed or not, never in the world.”
Thanks to the folks over at Concurring Opinions, I’ve learned about a kinda nifty new project put together by a professor from me and Dustin’s law school. Seems that Professor David J. Seipp has compiled a database of Year Books. As Professor Seipp explains it:
Year Books are the law reports of medieval England. The earliest examples date from about 1268, and the last in the printed series are for the year 1535. The Year Books are our principal source materials for the development of legal doctrines, concepts, and methods from 1290 to 1535, a period during which the common law developed into recognizable form.
Legal History: The Year Books is a searchable database indexing “all year book reports printed in the chronological series for all years between 1268 and 1535, and many of the year book reports printed only in alphabetical abridgements.”
After conducting a search for a few terms that turned up nothing, I searched for “sua sponte,” and suddenly found myself learning about a dispute decided in the year 1457 over trespass, concerning the “taking [of] 40 cartloads of oats and assault and threats to life and member.”
Nerdy? Yup. But interesting to law wonks? Yup again.
He’s a mother’s dream, he is
The guy on the left is Jordan Gann, and he wants to get in your panties. He is a con artist who has been loving and leaving single women for quite some time. Unfortunately, this dumbass Don Juan messed up when he tried to pass himself off as both a doctor and a lawyer within a half-hour.
Gann went into Hattricks Tavern in downtown Tampa on Sunday, telling the general manager that he was a lawyer in town on a case. He expressed that he wanted to throw a party at the bar, claiming that he needed full drinks and buffet for about 150 people, and wanted to spend $15,000 on the shindig.
Later, the manager, James Bronte, came in and found out about the supposed party. He knew something was fishy with this guy’s story right away, since Hattricks was a small bar and someone tossing around 5-digit figures for such a party wasn’t exactly common. He asked the guy for a business card, and Gann replied that he did not have one. Then he slipped up and said his name was “Dr. Shawn Cohen”, despite earlier introducing himself as a lawyer.
Bronte, now really suspicious, did what any reasonable person would do: he had the guy wait, went up to his office, and Googled the name. It showed a recent story on Gann and his activities, and even included a very helpful photo, which looked exactly like the purported Dr. Cohen. Bronte called the Tampa police, who came right away. Gann knew the jig was up and went peacefully.
Turns out that Mr. Gann had swindled numerous women in Arizona, Philly, and New Hampshire before ending up in Florida. One victim, Meredith Gavin of Orlando, was not only scammed out of $1000, but says Gann may be the father of her 3-year-old autistic son, Liam.
I must say, the story is a little light on the stupidity, but you think this guy could keep his covers straight for 20 minutes. I am just happy I finally got a Florida story on QuizLaw. I feel so official now.
He’s doing the Lord’s work now
We’ve talked about the wonderful Jonathan Lee Riches many times over on this site. I’m too lazy to go dig up the links, but you can search for the prior entries — Riches is the batshit crazy inmate who keeps filing ludicrously wonderful handwritten lawsuits that are more creative than two-thirds of the things coming out of Hollywood right now.
Well one of Riches’ latest lawsuits is against douchebag extraordinaire Perez Hilton. Unlike many of his complaints, which have many defendants, here Riches only has Perez listed as a defendant. As with all of his filings, you’re best off just going and reading the gem yourself. But essentially, Riches says he’s known Hilton and had a long sexual history with him ever since the two met “on a gay Nevada chat line called ‘the man hole.’” Riches says that, over the years, he committed multiple acts of identity theft, credit card fraud, etc. (known about and supported by Hilton) to get gifts for Hilton and to pay for the the two of them to take vacations. Riches says that now, “[e]veryday on Hilton’s site he slanders me with hate.”
Of course, that’s where this lawsuit enters the realm of the ridiculous, since we all know that Perez would never use hate on his website.
But the reason Riches is doing the Lord’s work is because, among other things, he’s asking the Court to shut down perezhilton.com. And if there’s a more righteous execution of justice in this land of ours, I ain’t never heard of it. God speed, Mr. Riches.
Hick Hop Waffles
When I was in high school, I spent a lot of late nights in Waffle Houses. They used to have this great deal: All you can eat for $2.99. The problem, of course, is that they’d only bring two items out at a time, and at least one of those items (usually the eggs) was completely inedible. And, Waffle House’s policy — at least where I was from — was that you couldn’t ask for anything else on the all-you-can-eat menu until you’d cleaned your plate, which was all but impossible when your eggs tasted like the underside of a truck driver: Assy. But, you take the bad with the good: In most places in the South, the Waffle House is the only restaurant remaining in which your short-order cook, in full view of the restaurant, can smoke cigarettes and scratch his butt while standing over your breakfast, as if to say: $2.99, bitches — and the nicotine is free!
And if you were in DeKalb, Georgia on Saturday night, you could’ve gotten Kid Rock to give you an ass-whoopin’ for free, too. All you had to do was talk shit to one of the fine skanks in his entourage, and you could’ve gotten toast, eggs, hash browns and a black eye for the low-low price of $2.99.
At least that’s what happened to Harlen DeJon Akins at 5:15 in the a.m. He gave some lip to one of the fine ladies in Kid Rock’s entourage, and Kid Rock and his little friends beat the tar out of Mr. Akins. Kid Rock was arrested and charged with a misdemeanor, but Akins was charged with a felony because, during the altercation, he broke a window at the Waffle House. And a man ought to know never to fuck with a fine establishment like the Waffle House, which I’m sure just got some plastic and taped it over where the window should be and pocketed the insurance money. God Love Waffle House.
The Daily Memo - 10/22/07
What of the Alternative Minimum Tax. (Slate)
Awwwwww, poor T.I. doesn’t like being in the clink and he’d like to go home. (CNN)
The Florida Supreme Court has ruled that folks who disclose HIV test results without the patient’s consent can be sued for damages. (Law.com)
Of course size matters. (Legal Antics)
Justice Alito thinks that TV ratings would be terrible if cameras were put in the Supreme Court. He’s surely right, but that’s a stupid argument against having the cameras. (Law.com)
What, you expected them to invite you in for cookies?
In Montgomery, Alabama, the McKinnons came home from a week away to find their house torn apart by thieves, most things gone. Understandably, Adrian and Tiffany were upset, and Tiffany started bawling at the site of things: “Tears just rolled down my face as I walked in and saw everything gone and piles of trash all over my home.”
Tiffany left the house for a while, while Adrian started checking out the damage:
As he walked back into the sunroom, a man walked through the back door straight into him, Tiffany McKinnon told the Montgomery Advertiser in a story Thursday.
“My husband Adrian caught the thief red-handed in our home,” she said. “And what is even crazier, the man even had my husband’s hat sitting right on his head.”
Adrian managed to draw a gun he apparently owns and held the thief at gunpoint until the cops showed up and arrested the man, 33-year-old Tajuan Bullock. But get this — when the cops first showed up, Bullock started complaining. His complaint? While Adrian waited for the cops to show up, he made Bullock clean up some of the mess he had made.
“This man had the nerve to raise sand about us making him clean up the mess he made in my house,” [Tiffany] said. “The police officer laughed at him when he complained and said anybody else would have shot him dead.”
Ass Kicking is What’s Called For!
Did anyone catch “Real Time with Bill Maher” over the weekend on HBO? God love Mr. Maher. During the taping of his live show, a few 9/11 Truthers (idiots who believe that the 9/11 attacks were planned by the White House) got a little out of hand and started yelling at Maher. If Maher had had a taser on him, he would’ve done the honors himself. But here (in the video below), he handled the situation in a way that most politicians and talk-show hosts wouldn’t have guts to do: He ran out into the audience and threatened to remove the protesters himself, and then took issue with his security.
Everyone should handle hecklers this way.
“Here are your tickets, Mr. Sharley Cheen”
Due to the increase in percentage of marriages ending in divorce (66 percent in the city, 50 throughout Austria), the city of Vienna is hosting the world’s first “divorce fair.”
At this fair, couples whose days of wedded bliss have run their course gather to meet with such exhibitors as lawyers, mediators, estate agents, and even PI firms and DNA testing labs for those divorces with a little extra spice. Even the Viennese archdiocese (rhyme!) got in on the act with an exhibit booth, and a travel company offers holiday packages for the freshly singled. There will also be lectures on such related topics as children in divorces, although rumors of a workshop titled “Bitch Better NOT Have My Money” have been debunked.
The event takes place October 27-28 and includes a benefit concert by Paul McCartney! (All benefits to be given to “That One-Legged Gold-Digging Skank Fund.”)
Seriously: Tell Us What You Really Think
God. Damnit. It’s not bad enough that the Democrats couldn’t manage to push the S-CHIP Bill through Congress over President Bush’s objection, thus increasing the amount of funding for the children’s health care program. But for all intents and purposes, from a political standpoint anyway, the Democrats were whoopin’ up on the Republicans, and Bush and the jackasses who refused to vote for the funding looked like they hated children (or, at least, poor children). The S-CHIP Bill has been a nightmare for the G.O.P., and the Dems have strategically kept the issue front and center, ensuring that the Republicans would look like the cruel, heartless bastards that they are for denying health care to kids.
And then Pete Stark, a House Democrat from California, had to open his big fat yapper. So, you know that for the next three weeks, the motherfucking focus won’t be on children’s health care, or the callous indifference the G.O.P. has for poor (or even lower middle class) children, but on Pete Stark’s dumbass statements. There’s certainly some truth to what Stark is saying (check the video below), but dude: You’re a freakin’ Congressman. That ain’t how you go about saying it.
God Bless the Democrats: They always manage to fuck it up.
Jesus, He’s a Quadripeligic, Not an Opossum
Jurors ruled the city of Pasadena must pay $80,000 to a quadriplegic man who sued because police officers allegedly jerked him out of his wheelchair and hung him upside down to search him.
Cornell Greathouse sued the city and four police officers for assault, battery, false arrest, false imprisonment, excessive force, intentional infliction of emotional distress, invasion of privacy and negligence.
A Superior Court jury decided Wednesday the officers weren’t culpable, but they ruled Pasadena must pay $78,939.12 for failing to train officers on how to deal with a quadriplegic.
Officers responding a 2005 disturbance call encountered Greathouse and, according to the suit, they pulled him out of wheelchair and hung him over a 4-foot concrete wall in order to search him.
Stupid @%*&&$#% Toilet!
God bless my home state of Pennsylvania. That’s where Dawn Herb is facing a fine of up to $300 and up to 90 days in the clink for — wait for it — allegedly cursing at an overflowing toilet! That’s right - Herb was in her house when there was a bit of a plumbing mishap:
“The toilet was overflowing and leaking down into the kitchen and I was yelling (for my daughter) to get the mop.”
While she doesn’t remember exactly what she said, Herb admits that a couple of not-for-TV words escaped her lips. Those words then floated out a nearby open window and into her next door neighbor’s ears. That neighbor, an off duty cop, asked Herb to keep the ruckus down. She says Herb didn’t keep it down, and so the police were called in and Herb was cited with disorderly conduct.
A lawyer from the Philly branch of the ACLU says this is pretty stupid: “You can’t prosecute somebody for swearing at a cop or a toilet.”
The moral of this story? Get rid of indoor plumbing, of course! Outhouses now and forever, that’s what I say!
(And that picture up there, by the by, is from a patent for a toilet snorkel, issued in 1982. In the event of a fire, the toilet snorkel can apparently provide a source of “fresh air,” so once can avoid smoke inhalation. …Ooooooo-kay.)
The Daily Memo - 10/19/07
Some law firms are taking a stance on keeping asshole attorneys away. (Law.com)
It’s unsurprising, but still a bit disturbing - “crack users do more time than people convicted of manslaughter.” (AlterNet)
Nice to know that you don’t infringe a trademark when you’re criticizing it. (Likelihood of Confusion)
A Vegas columnist who has been involved in a two-year legal battle with the owner of the Ventian has filed for bankruptcy. (Overlawyered)
A glimpse inside “the sausage factory called How a Lawyer Withdraws From a Case.” (WSJ Law Blog)
And the WSJ Law Blog also takes “a look at those wacky new lobbying laws.” (WSJ Law Blog)
You gotta love any lawsuit that involves blowjobs, right? (Above the Law)
Wanted: Better Actors
In Waltham, Massachusetts, city officials are trying to crack down on owners of liquor licenses who aren’t abiding with the booze laws. One of the things they’re concerned with is license holders who sell booze to folks who are already blitzed. Compliance with the ban on selling drinks to the uber-drunk will be tested by sending in actors to bars, restaurants and packies pretending to be sauced.
Trouble is, some of the city licensees say that the actors hired to play drunks kind of suck:
…Some licensees argued the problem with the actors is some bar tenders did not believe the actors were drunk in previous instances and thought they had a medical condition or special needs.
Ah, your tax dollars at work! And if that’s the quality of actors in Waltham, I’d suggest staying away from the community theater.
He has looks AND brains!
I know, I know. How could the story possibly beat that eye?
Well, it seems our friend here, one Randy-Jay Adolphos Jones, 29 and of Columbia, PA, had attacked a woman (also 29) outside her friend’s home Sunday. She managed to get away, but not before he took her purse, with her cell phone inside. When the cops arrived, they took a chance and had the woman call her phone, and “Baby Boy” (as police paperwork lists his nickname) picked up. He then demanded ransom for the phone. A ransom of $185,000. For a cell phone.
The woman, with the encouragement of police, stalled Jones and managed to get him to accept a lesser ransom of $200. He told her where to meet him with the money, and was of course arrested when he showed up. The cops found her purse not too far from the scene of the robbery. As befitting such an ambitious crime, Jones had no explanation for why he thought he could get that much for the phone.
Now that I look at him closer, I think if Will Smith had an epileptic fit, this is probably what he would look like.
One drink ain’t enough Jack, you better make it twelve
Back in January, Martin Ruiz was enjoying the fact that he had recently turned 21. One night, he enjoyed himself a little too much, and was drunk driving his car down a twisty Nevada mountain road at a healthy 70 miles per hour. He got into into an accident, injuring his passenger and the other driver, and wound up in the clink after blowing a .104.
Following his arrest, Ruiz managed to get himself released on his own recognizance. You’d think a guy in his shoes would try to keep his nose clean, especially with regard to booze. But this is QuizLaw, so you know this story doesn’t end with: “…and Martin Ruiz never drank again, nor did he ever have any more legal troubles.”
Rather, Ruiz got himself in trouble when he was found drinking a 12-pack of beer on the courthouse lawn. This led to his re-arrest and a bail hearing on Monday. During that hearing, Ruiz had the nerve to ask the judge to once again release him on his own recognizance, saying that he promised not to drink or drive anymore. But Judge Gibbons was having none of it, and set Ruiz’s bail at $100K.
Granny’s Got a Gun!
I love old people. Sure, they smell funny sometimes. And the “get off my lawn” threats can get a little annoying, especially after they just paid you to do their landscaping. But for the most part, really old people are sweet and endearing, all shriveled up and toothless and waiting for a big hug! They’re so gentle. And old. Like Ethel Sanders, the sweetest granny of all:
An 81-year-old pistol-packing granny shot a homeless man after finding him washing his clothes in her laundry room, police said.
Ethel Sanders told police she heard noises in her laundry room Monday morning so she grabbed her handgun and found a man standing in his underwear near the washing machine.
Sanders, who normally uses a walker, shot the man when he came at her, police said.
She was knocked to the ground by the force of the gun and the man grabbed it and pointed it at her. He then took his sopping wet clothes from the washing machine and fled.
Officers quickly found the nearly naked suspect at a nearby community center. He had been struck by a bullet that went through his leg to his stomach. He was expected to survive, and will be charged with first-degree burglary when he is released from the hospital, cops said.
Sanders said she bought the pistol four years ago to protect herself because she lives alone, but had never fired it before.
“Whenever I hear a noise, I just go grab my gun,” she said.
Awwww. Isn’t she precious?
The Life and Times of Vinegar Boy
I got sucked into this story this morning on a message board site called, Customers Suck. It was weirdly fascinating, and I couldn’t bring myself to quit it. It’s just this phenomenally bizarre account of a graveyard-shift cashier who sells a 15-year-old kid a bottle of malt vinegar (yes, vinegar), and this dumb kid drinks the malt vinegar and gets sick and starts redecorating the wall and doors of his house.
So after the kid drinks the vinegar, his mother comes into the store, threatens a lawsuit and demands an apology, claiming that the teller tried to poison her son, and that he should be fired for selling malt vinegar to a 15-year-old. Clearly, this woman is off her rocker. She goes so far as to suggest that the teller told her son to drink the vinegar, and then when the security tape reveals that he did nothing of the sort, she claims that the security tape was edited.
Anyway, for those of you interested, I’ll let you read the entire account, but before it ends, people are fired, lawyers are brought in, and apology demands are thrown around like confetti. Be warned, however: Despite the rambly writing, it’s mysteriously engrossing and on the longish side. If the Hollywood strike goes through, studios may find themselves adapting this for the big screen, starring Meryl Streep as the teller, Jessie Eisenberg as the idiot child, and Renee Zellwegger as the shitty mom.
The Daily Memo - 10/18/07
Our very own Dustin has been nominated for “favorite New York-based blawger.” (Sui Generis)
Presto-chango, IP-cadabra. (Slate)
Get your vote in for what you think Boalt’s new name should be (I’m personally a fan of “White Guys with Asian Girls School of Law”). (Above the Law)
Congress is considering a new bipartisan bill that would let victims of identity theft seek restitution (and does some other expansion of ID theft laws). (c|net news)
The EFF has published a list of ten tech patents that it very much wants invalidated. (Wired)
Strip club owners in Ohio are trying to fight new laws that ban touching (“no touching!”) and nudity after midnight. (WTAM)
The Quebec legislature has banned the word “weathervane” from its parliament. (The Star)
Kmart is being sued for $100 over some toilet paper. (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)