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Today in Douchebag Legal Documents

denise_richards.jpgThe Charlie Sheen/Denise Richards custody case/petty feud has given me reason to live again. Not since the Alec Baldwin/Kim Basinger divorce of 2001 have legal papers been so goddamn entertaining. Indeed, in papers that Richards filed with the court, she includes pics of the “Two and a Half Man’s” (Sheen is the half) erect penis that he used for porn sites, some of which featured what looked like underage boys. The papers also include accounts of Sheen screaming at Richards, telling her that — when she stopped breast feeding — she was causing their daughter to “become retarded,” and another in which he took a framed wedding portrait out to their garage, sawed it in half, and spray painted, “Worst Day of My Life,” on it (soon to be supplanted by the day that the judge in this case grants Richardson full custody of their children).

But the best is this gem, from Page Six (via Yeeeah!):

“You are an evil piece of [shit]. I can’t wait to tell the world what a piece of [shit] you are. You don’t get a [fucking] dime till this is resolved,” Charlie Sheen wrote to Denise Richards in an e-mail the actress included in documents filed last week in L.A. Superior Court in the couple’s custody battle. “You are a pig. A sad, jobless pig who is sad and talentless and sad and jobless and evil and a bad mom, so go [fuck] yourself sad jobless pig,” reads another. “Go cry to your bald mom, you [fucking] loser,” says a third e-mail. Richards says in her court filing that she was particularly hurt by the one about her mother, who is undergoing chemotherapy treatments for cancer.

Didn’t Alec Baldwin call his daughter a “thoughtless little pig.” What’s up with celebrities and pig insults? I bet it’s a Scientology code word, one that means: “Oh shit, I’m am so screwed. Help me, Theta.”