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Batman and Identity Robbin

si_cover.jpgY’all remember our friend Jonathan Lee Riches? The man who, a few weeks back, sued Mike Vick for $63 quintillion (backed by silver and gold and delivered by UPS) for, among other allegations, stealing his pit bulls and selling them on EBay to finance missile purchases from Iran? Yeah, that guy.

Well, he’s back. And now Riches (a.k.a. “The White Suge Knight”) has got a bigger and better lawsuit (his 17th) filed against an even more unpopular athlete, Barry Bonds. The hand scrawled complaint, entitled “Fraud Against Mankind; Batman and Identity Robbin” makes these allegations, among many others: Social Security fraud, illegal moonshining, terrorism, and the violation of 8 Constitutional amendments. Apparently, riches thought suing for $63 quintillion was a bit much, so now he’s asking for a mere 42 million in Swiss Francs (to be paid with a money order).

Riches also claims that Bonds and MLB Commission Bud Selig have been conspiring together to raise television ratings for baseball and he alleges that Selig has been supplying Bonds with steroids under the supervision of Sammy Sosa (of course). Allegedly, both Robert Novak and Judith Miller have transcripts. Hmmm.

Moreover, Bonds broke the home run record by, allegedly, using Hank Aaron’s corked bat. He also apparently “bench pressed” Riches “against my will,” sold “steroids to nuns,” and “used his bat to crack the liberty bell.” And my favorite allegation: Bonds gave mustard gas to Saddam Hussein as part of the oil for food scandal.

Wow. I mean: Wow.

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How is it that a convict has an iPhone before I do??? (see page 2 of the complaint)