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An Open Letter to the Fantasy Football Gods

jesus-fantasy-football.jpgDear Fantasy Football Gods,

For lo’ many years now, I have worshiped at your altar. You have never taken me to the promised land of a fantasy football championship, but I have never held that against you. Only the elite few ever reach the pinnacle of fantasy footballdom, and I am willing to accept that I may not yet be worthy of such an honor (although based on the “man” who took home the championship in my league last year, your standards don’t really appear to be all that high). But you have allowed me to reach the playoffs and at least contend, and as award show nominees say all the time, it’s an honor just to be recognized.

But this year you have taken things too far. I had a reasonably decent draft and for reasons inexplicable to man, you have seen fit to injure one after another of my players. First you took out Orlando Pace, the man most directly responsible for keeping Marc Bulger safe, and Bulger repeatedly killed me. Then you took out Bulger himself, which was almost a mercy injury at that point (did you break his ribs in the hope of taking a piece of them to make a fantasy football Eve?). Then you took Javon Walker from me. And Hines Ward. And Brian Westbrook. And Santana Moss. It’s like a veritable list of the walking dead.

And with all these injuries came an 0-5 record to start the season, my worst beginning ever. But still, I worshiped at your feet and did my best to persevere. Last week, I finally managed to post a healthy amount of points, despite your consistent blows to my team. Lead by the shockingly studly (at least from a fantasy perspective) Derek Anderson, my team posted the fourth highest score in my league. And yet you still denied me a win. Mercy for the downtrodden? Noooooo - you had to give my opponent one of the highest scores of the season, a few points shy of a whopping 200 points.

Well that was the last straw. I’ve announced this within my league, but now I’m making the pronouncement publicly, here, for all the world to see.

You have forsaken me, so I now forsake you. As I said on our message boards:

You no help me now, I say “fuck you fantasy football gods!” I do it myself.

You’re dead to me.

Sincerely,

—Seth

(The reason this post is appearing on a legal-stuff blog is because the Eighth Circuit has put fantasy sports into the legal zone by ruling that a fantasy sports company is protected by the First Amendment in its use of player statistics, although in this particular case, the company was found to have infringed baseball players’ right of publicity.)

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Comments

Buck up buddy. Westbrook and Ward are back this week. I wish Westbrook was still gone because I picked up Buckhalter. I'm a vulture but I don't care.