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Defendants record what my mind is thinking

jRiches.jpgGod bless Jonathan Lee Riches. He’s the guy who filed crazy lawsuits against Barry Bonds and Michael Vick, who claimed that Martha Stewart’s turkeys attacked him and who says that O.J. Simpson is a hitman for Steve Jobs. Our litigious little convict (that’s his lovely mugshot, so now we all finally know what our hero looks like) is still going strong, as he’s now filed over 30 federal lawsuits. The Smoking Gun brings us one of his most recent lawsuits and, like them all, the handwritten complaint is a humdinger.

This time, Riches has sued Cheaty McCheaterson himself, Bill Belichick, along with the Patriots, Tom Brady and Randy Moss, for “Illegally Spying on My Life.” He would like $5 million from them all, because they’ve been involved “in a vast conspiracy with video equipment to illegally tape anything and everything with significant value” since the 1970s! And it would seem that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s punishment of McCheaterson didn’t go far enough because “the NFL can’t stop Belichick from recording other teams.” In fact, he’s “had cameras on the Good Year Blimp with the help of the NSA,” and he might’ve also been involved with a bathroom scandal involving “Candid Camera.”

Now you’d think my favorite part of the complaint is where Riches claims that Belichick “sends Randy Moss to Boston Hospitals to spy on ultra sounds” and to record traffic signals. But it’s not.

This line is almost my favorite: “Belichick is a Peeping Tom Brady.” But it’s not.

No sir, this here would be my favorite bit:

Defendants cheated during the 2005 Superbowl against the Philadelphia Eagles. Before the game Tom Brady put a recording device in Donovin [sic] McNabb’s Chunky Soup. He ate it.

I knew my Eagles were jipped! I demand retribution!!!