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Monthly Archives: November 2007
Never Give a Gay General a Microphone
For any of you who missed the CNN Republican debate on Wednesday night, here’s a recap of the highlights, presented by a couple of charming rednecks.
Don’t Stab Me, Bro
Talk about a crappy birthday:
Police arrested Phil Edward Johnson, 54, Tuesday afternoon. He faces one count of attempted first-degree murder.
His brother, John Butler Tyler, told police it was Johnson’s birthday and that Johnson gave him $20 to buy cocaine for them, a police report states.
Tyler, 37, told police he gave the money to someone who was supposed to buy the cocaine. When Johnson learned his brother didn’t buy the drugs but handed the $20 to someone else, he got angry and pulled a knife from his pocket, according to the report.
Johnson stabbed his brother twice in the stomach and caused defensive wounds on his brother’s wrist, police say.
It’s a good thing the brother didn’t forget the birthday cake.
It’s Not Like They Have to Wear Straight Jackets
There are some New Jersey parents who are super-pissed because they discovered the school uses a padded room for special needs kids.
Angry parents confronted members of the Cherry Hill School Board on Tuesday night.
They are concerned about the treatment of their special needs children.
“Instead of educating them, they’re going to throw them in to bash their heads against a padded wall somewhere,” said one parent. “Disgusting.”
“It is absolutely wrong that each and every one of you can go to bed at night thinking that this is OK to do to children,” said another.
“I think it’s frightening. It makes me sick to my stomach,” said another parent, Lisa Scuoppo.
But here’s my question: Why not have padded rooms for all students? Have you met an elementary school child? They’re all hopped up on McDonald’s subsidized lunches, orange drink, and Ritalin — if you got kids that bounce off the wall as much as they do, padding them is the only way to avoid lawsuits. Hell, if you really want to keep the kids — special needs or otherwise — from harming themselves, shackle them to their desks.
The Daily Memo - 11/30/07
Thanks to the Pennsylvania’s Supremes, I now know that my favorite college football coach, Joe Paterno, will make half-a-million smackeroos this year. (ESPN)
IBM is suing a company for selling fake laptop batteries that do a neat trick — they catch on fire. (Computerworld)
Sounds like a legal secretary just going the extra mile if you ask me. (Above the Law)
Mmmmm … burgers and trademarks. (The Trademark Blog)
A $42 million legal bill? Why not. (WSJ Law Blog)
Well sure, when you put it that way, maybe Australian football is better
Three men, an American and two Australian sailors, got into an argument over the merit of American football versus Australian football. This happened outside a party at 5 in the morning and the American got so hot and bothered about the whole thing that he threatened to kill the Australians.
The Australians say they were worried about him going to get a weapon, so they lept on him, hitting and kicking him, breaking his eye socket in the process. While the American was taken to the hospital, the two sailors were arrested and charged with suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon. And as the story explains: “the weapon being their feet.”
I mean, what the hell? Look, I love American football as much as anyone (and probably more than many) and would happily argue its merits over another country’s sport. But to the point of threatening to kill them, or beating them and busting their eye socket? Probably not. …Unless the argument was with a Dallas Cowboys fan. Man do I hate those pricks.
And the Lord said “Please close your yapper”
In a move that should bring smiles to many a dastardly heathen, God has told one of his so-called faithful stewards to step down and shut the hell up.
You may not be aware of this, but Oral Roberts University (of the obnoxious statue pictured) has been in a bit of a pickle as of late. Richard Roberts, the now-former president of the school, had been sued due to irregularities in the university’s finances. He was accused of spending lavishly on himself and his family during a period when the school was more than $50 million in debt. Roberts prepared to respond with a countersuit, but his hand was stayed:
Roberts has previously said that God told him to deny the allegations. The week the lawsuit was filed, Richard Roberts said that God told him: “We live in a litigious society. Anyone can get mad and file a lawsuit against another person whether they have a legitimate case or not. This lawsuit … is about intimidation, blackmail and extortion.”
But don’t think old ORU is losing out:
On Wednesday, Roberts said God told him he would “do something supernatural for the university,” if he stepped down from the job he held at the 5,700-student school since 1993.
On Tuesday, the founder of a Christian office and education supply store chain pledged $70 million to help the university, provided it passed a 90-day review of the school’s finances. Oklahoma City businessman Mart Green, founder of the Mardel chain, offered to donate $8 million immediately.
Roberts still remains in charge of the Oral Roberts Evangelistic Association, which has commingled with the university since its inception. and many of the students and faculty believe that this union led to the discrepancies, as the finances of the two entities were mingled and the leadership was unclear.
It is interesting how God had to throw in a little extra to get this guy out. I can totally see this guy haggling with Lord of Hosts, trying to get as much as he can out of the deal. And God is so desperate to save his rep, he would agree to practically anything. I mean, Abraham was ready to off his only son right then and there. He didn’t need any incentive to do it; God told him and that was that. This guy, he gets word form above, and he makes sure that he gets some bells and whistles for his troubles. Shrewd customer there.
This family’s DNA is the best DNA ever
Christopher Holland was arrested and charged last month with the rape and murder of a 17-year-old back in 1983. Pretty gruesome crime (she was raped, strangled and stabbed in her own bedroom), so it’s good to know that the purported man behind the crime is now locked up. Part of the evidence used by the cops in tying the crime to Holland was DNA samples from two of Holland’s brothers.
But, whoops — turns out that the DNA submitted by one of the brothers, David Holland, matched another unsolved crime. So David is now in jail with his brother Christopher, as it looks like he was behind the 2001 rape of of an 81-year-old woman. (Eighty. One. Years. Old. What the hell?) Says the assistant deputy district attorney: “We have to assume he didn’t expect this to happen.” You think?
Kid Suspended for Hate Crime Before He Can Spell ‘Hate’
This is incredibly messed up: A nine-year-old kid has been suspended from his school for three days for committing a “hate crime.” This is how it happened: Allegedly, the nine-year-old got into an argument with another kid over not cooperating with minority students. During a tape-recorded meeting, so far as I can tell from the article, one of the parents asked the kid why he “doesn’t cooperate with brown people,” and when the kid used the term “brown people” in his response, he was accused of racism and made to apologize and was later suspended.
For basically using a term one of this parents used first.
But here’s the kicker: The school’s principal actually told the boy that it was OK to have racist feelings, as long as he kept it to himself.
“As we said to (the boy) when he was in here, in your heart you may have that feeling, and that is OK if that is your personal belief,” Abraham Lincoln Traditional School Principal Virginia Voinovich said in a tape-recorded parent-teacher conference.
Really? So, a kid gets entrapped, then accused of racism, suspended, and then told: Oh, you can dislike “brown people,” just don’t tell anybody.
And believe it or not, it didn’t even happen in Florida.
Can You Hear Me N … *thud*
Cell phones aren’t as safe as you think:
An exploding cell phone battery is suspected by police in the death of a South Korean worker Wednesday, though the phone’s manufacturer said it was highly unlikely.
The man, identified only by his family name Suh, was found dead at his workplace in a quarry Wednesday morning and his mobile phone battery was melted in his shirt pocket, a police official in Cheongwon told The Associated Press.
“We presume that the cell phone battery exploded,” the police official said on condition of anonymity because the investigation was still under way.
Kim Hoon, a doctor who examined the body, agreed.
“He sustained an injury that is similar to a burn in the left chest and his ribs and spine were broken,” Yonhap news agency quoted Kim as saying. “It is presumed that pressure caused by the explosion damaged his heart and lungs, leading to his death.”
A warning to the rest of you: Don’t put your cell phone in your pocket. Put it on your belt. Because there is nothing cooler than wearing your cell phone like a pager.
(If you’re curious, the cell battery was made by LG Electronics.)
Winning the Lottery Ain’t All That
One of our illustrious readers, Korey Humphreys, brought this fine story to our attention. It concerns Timothy Elliot, a Massachusetts man who looks like he probably has a few seed ticks in his beard. He’s also probably a little insane.
Anyway, Mr. Elliot bought a $10 lottery ticket and was fortunate enough to have it pay off handsomely: He was awarded $1 million in the state’s $800 million lotto.
Awesome, right?
Well, actually: Mr. Elliot has been convicted twice of robbing banks (unarmed), and sent to mental institutions after each robbery. After he was released following his 2006 bank robbery, a condition of his probation was that he was not allowed to buy lottery tickets.
Elliot has already collected his first 20 $50,000 annuity checks, but in December, a judge will decide if he gets to keep the money. And what to do with it, if not. Poor dude; I hope the judge lets him keep it. It should at least prevent him from robbing banks with his finger in a jacket for a while.
In other lottery news, in Connecticut, two elderly sisters signed a contract 12 years ago “promising to share equally in any winnings they reaped from casinos, slot machines, cards or scratch tickets. It was drafted by a certified public accountant [and] signed by a notary public.” However, after one 80-something year old sister won $500,000 after buying a Powerball lottery ticket with her brother, she split it with him, but refused to pay out under the agreement to her sister, so the other 80-something year old sister is suing. The catch: Connecticut law considers private wagering contracts to be void.
Indeed, a judge ruled that the contract wasn’t worth the paper it was printed on, so the losing sister — who lives in an assisted-living facility — is appealing. And my guess is that these two sisters are gonna spend all that money on legal fees and end up dead and penniless in a couple of years. Shame.
What? There’s No Such Thing as a $1 Million Bill?
Well, they should invent one, damnit.
A bank teller had a million reasons to deny this transaction. Police say a man tried to open an account with a $1 million bill, which does not exist. The teller refused and called police while the man started to curse at bank workers, said Aiken County Sheriff’s spokesman Lt. Michael Frank.
Alexander D. Smith, 31, of Augusta, Ga., was charged with disorderly conduct and two counts of forgery, Frank said.
The Daily Memo - 11/29/07
“Headhunter Horror Stories: The Lunch from Hell.” Yeah, headhunters are the best. (Above the Law)
HBO seems to be backing down on its threats against the vile trademark-infringing “Health and the City” fitness business. (WSJ Law Blog)
Huzzah! A recent court opinion in Sweden says that Swedish parents can smack their kids, as long as it’s not too hard. (Big News)
Down Under, a wonderful man tried to claim that a grand spent on escorts was a legitimately deductible tax deduction because it was a work expense — he needed companionship while traveling for his job. (The Sydney Morning Herald)
“Underage drinking party ends with standoff.” (JS Online)
New Jersey … Delaware … fight! (WSJ Law Blog)
Common Sense Lessons #158 and 159
Let’s say you’ve got something illegal in the trunk of your car. Like, I dunno, almost 40 pounds of coke (which looks very much like the image there on the right). The last thing you want is to get pulled over, right? So common sense suggests that you make sure that your car, I dunno, has some license plates on it.
That’s the lesson Marco Mendez learned while he was driving through Nebraska. His minivan was pulled over in the middle of the afternoon because it didn’t have plates. But Mendez still might’ve been ok, save for the fact that he apparently needs a second common sense lesson: When you’ve got something illegal in your car and the cops pull you over, don’t consent to a search.
So yeah, Mendez consented to a search of the van, and the cops found the coke stashed in his trunk. Needless to say, things didn’t turn out well for Mendez - he and his passenger were arrested, while the two kids in the van with them were, sadly, placed into the custody of Health and Human Services.
The folks at night, don’t care about Constitutional rights … deep in the heart of Texas!
When kids do bad things in Texas, they get locked up in juvie, under the authority of the Texas Youth Commission. And the TYC has this pesky little policy that they won’t let folks out early unless they admit to the crime that got them in the kiddie clink. This has turned out to be a problem for one teen, Airick Browning, currently locked up for attempted rape. Browning’s case is on appeal and because he insists he’s innocent of the charges, he doesn’t want to give the TYC the confession it’s demanding. Especially since there is no immunity attached, meaning Browning’s confession would likely put the kibosh on his appeal.
Browning’s lawyers have filed a federal motion seeking to have the TYC’s policy deemed unconstitutional due to its violation of the right against self-incrimination. The Texas Civil Right Project, which is representing Browning and other similarly-situated inmates, says that this is clearly an unconstitutional policy of the agency “coercing confessions out of children.” And a con law professor says that this is an example of the government wrongly trying to setup unconstitutional conditions in order to get a government benefit:
For example, your entitlement to Social Security benefits can’t depend on how you exercise your right to vote. A particular tax credit or public housing or police protection can’t be conditioned on promising to hold certain religious beliefs.
On the upside, considering this is Texas, Browning should probably consider himself lucky that the TYC hasn’t simply decided that it would be quicker and easier to just shoot him.
We’re number “somewhere in the top 100!” We’re number “somewhere in the top 100!”
The ABA Journal has published a new list: The ABA Journal Blawg 100. And you’re darn skippy that QuizLaw’s there. Says the Journal of us:
Sharp, fast-paced commentary about legal and nearly legal news and events.
That’s right, son. Sharp.
The list is broken down into twelve categories and all the big blawgs are naturally there, along with quite a few that you probably haven’t heard of (hell, there are certainly plenty that are new to me). QuizLaw has been planted in the “Generally Speaking” category, along with quite a few worthy contenders. And of course, the ABA Journal wants traffic, so they’ve opened it all up to voting. So between now and January 2nd, feel free to head on over and give the QuizLaw some voting love. Our traffic isn’t as large as some of these other guys, so we hold no dreams of actually winning what is ultimately a popularity contest (in fact, at the time of this writing, we’re already in a healthy hole behind the leading, and worthy, Overlawyered), but for every vote that QuizLaw gets, an angel is granted a demurrer.
You can vote for us by clicking on that lovely little banner below (which — hey, look at that — is conveniently scattered all over this site now!). So get to it — the angels are desperate to avoid their day in court, don’t you know?
Grandma Was the Lucky One
There is, perhaps, no song in the world I hate more than Elmo and Patsy’s “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer,” a song that sends me scurrying for a sleigh I can lie under every time I hear it. The damn song is nearly 30 years old now, and it’s novelty ran off about 3 days after it first aired.
And believe it or not, the man who owns the song’s copyright, Elmo Shropshire, is seriously wealthy. So much so, in fact, that he’s being sued for $2 million. Apparently, he licensed the song to the Fred Rappaport Company, who in turn created a animated show out of it in 2000. Rappaport contends that it owns the copyright in characters created in the animated show, rights it procured under a 2004 settlement with Elmo.
However, Elmo — who clearly has nothing else to do, having accomplished exactly one thing in his entire godforsaken life — has started sending out cease and desist letters to companies that made deals with the Fred Rappapport Company to market the characters. So, Rappapport is suing Elmo, claiming that he is screwing the company over, just as he’s screwed the rest of us over every Christmas since 1978.
Honestly, the only winner in this whole scenario is Grandma, who was fortunate enough to get drunk on egg nog and kilt by a sled, saving her from the indignity of being Elmo Shropshire’s granny.
That’s how we hunt in Florida, bitch!
That’s right. We don’t go out into the woods to shoot us some deer. That’s too much actual, you know, work. Instead, we wait for the deer to come to us!
A Crestview man was charged with taking a deer by an illegal method after a Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission Officer learned that he had struck and killed a deer in the parking lot of a Crestview fast food restaurant, according to FWC’s weekly report.
A witness reported seeing the man “intentionally” run over the deer, stop and look at it and then drive away. The occupants of another truck at the same restaurant picked up the deer and drove away. The witness followed the second truck and called in the complaint.
A woman in the home where the officers were headed heard her address on the scanner. The two individuals then dumped the deer in a wooded area. When questioned by the officer, they first said they didn’t want the deer to be wasted. Later, they gave the name of the individual who ran the animal over.
The deer was photographed as evidence. The two who took the deer were issued written warnings for willful and wanton waste of wildlife.
The Daily Memo - 11/28/07
In Port Washington, Wisconsin, tickets are down because the cops have decided to practice the crazy notion of “preventive law enforcement,” working to reduce the things that lead to citations in the first place. (JS Online)
Good riddance - a NY judge has been yanked from the bench for tossing 46 (!) people in the clink after nobody would fess up to owning a cell phone that rang in the courtroom. (FindLaw)
Well that’s a real crying shame - “FCC vote affecting cable TV in jeopardy.” (AP)
A Magistrate Judge ruled in favor of Amazon not needing to open up its e-records, because “rumors of an Orwellian federal criminal investigation into the reading habits of Amazon’s customers could frighten countless potential customers into canceling planned online book purchase.” (NetworkWorld)
The Fifth Circuit is following the Supremes’ lead by extending the limits imposed on student speech, approving zero-tolerance rules for students who make violent threats. (First Amendment Center)
Speaking of the Supremes, “Scalia to join Supreme Court book club.” I hate his politics and beliefs, but am looking forward to his book nonetheless, even if it is about the less-than-amusing topic of courtroom advocacy. (Law.com)
While it’ll likely lead to squat, a bill has been introduced which proposes making Puerto Rick the 51st star on our flag. (WESH)
What’s going to get the Corporate Law Gorilla Award of 2007? (Concurring Opinions)
Who Says Stephen King is Irrelevant?
I haven’t appreciated a Stephen King novel in over a decade, and his back-page column in Entertainment Weekly somehow manages to be even more vapid and uninteresting as the rest of the magazine, but by God, Stephen King was, is, and always will be one cool motherfucker, as suggested by some of the things he said in an interview with Time magazine, including this glorious bit:
So I said something to the ‘Nightline’ guy about waterboarding, and if the Bush administration didn’t think it was torture, they ought to do some personal investigation. Someone in the Bush family should actually be waterboarded so they could report on it to George. I said, I didn’t think he would do it, but I suggested Jenna be waterboarded and then she could talk about whether or not she thought it was torture.
Sadly, she’s such a Stepford daughter, I doubt Jenna would ever break a sweat. She’d just plug-in, recharge her batteries, and continue smiling without batting an eyelash.
It’s All in the Name:
Who wouldn’t vote for a candidate with a name (and a moustache) like this:
Oh irony….
Thy name is this girl:
…and this guy:
….and definitely this guy:
(All mugshot are, of course, from The Smoking Gun, which recently put together its fifth roundup of “mug shots featuring the accused wearing t-shirts with one of those precious slogans.”)
In the That’s-Messed-Up Department
The Supreme Court refused, without comment, to intervene in a San Diego County case where investigators are allowed to show up, unannounced, to a welfare recipient’s residence and search their home without a warrant. Failure to comply with said search could result in loss of benefits.
Seriously?
The 9th Circuit upheld the regulation, arguing that it didn’t violate the Fourth Amendment right against unreasonable search and seizure because the residents could refuse to comply.
Well, yeah: They could. But then they’d lose their public assistance.
Who knew that, by accepting government funds, you were also giving up your Constitutional rights and the rights of a full citizen? Man, it just doesn’t pay to be poor in this country.
There Is Nothing Legal About This Story. But: Wow!
I know it has nothing to do with the law, but I couldn’t resist, if only because it’s the sort of scenario Saw’s Jigsaw Killer might put someone in: A man had to cut off his own arm to save himself from a fire.
“I just told myself, ‘I’m not going to die here,’” Sampson Parker said Monday on NBC’s “Today Show.”
“I just kept fighting, kept praying. And then when I did get loose, I jumped up running, I had blood squirting from my arm,” he said of the September incident. “It was pretty scary there for a while.”
Parker, a construction supervisor in Kershaw County about 20 miles east of Columbia, farms as a hobby. When he tried to remove a cornstalk stuck in the rusty harvester, his hand became stuck.
“I went up with my hand, and the roller that takes the shucks off the corn had grabbed the glove and pulled my hand into the rollers,” he told WIS-TV in Columbia.
Parker called for help, but no one was around.
After about 90 minutes, his hand went numb. He jammed a rod into the machine and started cutting away his fingers, but the rod and machine sparked a fire. He used his free hand to fight the fire but knew he was in even more trouble.
“My skin was melting,” he said. “Like melting plastic.”
It was then that he cut off his arm to free himself.
“I could feel the nerves as I was cutting my arm off,” he recalled.
Man alive: If someone had only taped the incident, Sampson Parker would’ve been the YouTube sensation of the year.
Oh Florida, you never disappoint
So I clicked on this link at Jacksonville.com for a story from the Times-Union, and it turns out there were two stories on that page and, well, they’re both Florida winners.
A man robbed in the checkout line at a Westside gas station Friday night had his car stolen from him by different men a few moments later. Paul Gibbs was in the BP gas station on Ramona Boulevard when, he told police, an unknown man snatched the $35 he was carrying in his hand. Gibbs drove after the suspect and then chased him on foot, leaving his keys in the vehicle when he parked it and got out on Faith Memorial Road. As he chased the first man, police said, two other men got in the car and drove off with the vehicle.
Meanwhile…
A man who was shot in the buttocks while working on a car Friday night had a bag of marijuana fall out of his pants into the hands of the responding police officer. Charles Thompson, 42, told police that an unknown man walked up behind him and shot him near Spring Grove and West 44th streets. After paramedics removed his pants at Shands Jacksonville and handed them to the officer, the drugs fell out of the front pocket, police said. A police report indicated Thompson hadn’t been given a notice to appear in court because he had been taken into surgery. The report also indicated that he would qualify for charges. Witnesses said Thompson and the shooter were talking before the incident.
The Daily Memo - 11/27/07
Stephen King thinks Jenna Bush needs a good waterboarding. (Whitehouser)
A New Jersey legislative committee is pushing an online dating bill which its own supporters admit is less than perfect. (ars technica)
“Do law school grades matter?” Not as much as the conditioning your liver gets from three years of law school, that’s what I say! (Above the Law)
At least the US hasn’t gotten quite this authoritarian and fundamental … yet — a British schoolteacher was arrested in Sudan for allowing a student to name a teddy bear Muhammad. (BBC News)
Some New Jersey state workers were more unhappy than usual (being a NJ state worker means they’re always unhappy!) because the Governor made them show up to work on Black Friday. (Newsday)
Sittin’ on your inside furniture outside? You better believe that’s a citation. Or at least it might be one day soon. (Tennessean)
What a minute, that’s not part of the custom paint job!
Well this headline really says it all, don’t it?
Hot for the Car — Edmonton man sentenced after masturbating on a BMW
What, you want more? Well, it seems that 45-year-old Sandy Wong has what the Edmonton Sun refers to as some sexual deviancy — he “gets turned on by expensive and classic cars, motorcycles and women with big feet and [he] really likes to expose himself in public.” And no place is tailor made for this combination of fetishes than the Home and Garden Show!
So back in March, Wong hit up the show and after three BWMs got him all hot and bothered, he hopped atop one of the Beamers and “[s]hortly after that, Wong had dropped his sweat pants to his ankles and was spotted masturbating while sitting with his legs dangling over the driver’s door window.”
Turns out this is not his only such incident — in May he was arrested “for jumping on a 2005 MiniCooper outside the downtown Boston Pizza, dropping his pants and proceeding to ‘tuck, rub and bounce his naked genitalia’ on the hood of the car.” And then there was another car-top incident in June.
Last week, Wong got a 90 day sentence in the clink (which he’s already served) plus two years probation, in exchange for pleading guilty to three counts of indecent exposure, and some charges of mischief, theft, and obstructing a peace officer. He also has a 10 p.m. curfew because I guess one is more tempted to schtupp car roofs at night. Romantic moonlight, I suppose.
Aw-kward!
President Bush had to host the Nobel Prize winners at the White House yesterday, and guess who was amongst the winners: Yup. Al Gore.
The two men stood next to other, sharing uncomfortable grins for photographers and reporters, who were quickly ushered in and out.
“Familiar faces,” the former vice president said of the media. Bush, still smiling, added nothing.
Jesus. Just look at that photo. Which one looks presidential? And which one looks like he just finished de-pantsing someone?
It’d be funny if it weren’t so heartbreaking.
We’ve Got Spirit, Yes We Do, We’ve Got Spirit, I’m Gonna Punch You!
Mary Delgado used to be a cheerleader for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Seems she was also the winner of “The Bachelor” in 2004, although “winner” is a deeply subjective term when the bachelor in question was a professional bass fisherman. Anyway, she accepted his proposal, and they’ve been living together ever since.
But it’s not a true Disney fairy tale ending, apparently, as Delgado was arrested last week for decking her fisherman fiance in the mouth. It should come as little surprise that she was drunk when the cops showed up, and that lovely picture to the right would be Ms. Rah-Rah-Sis-Boom-Bah’s subsequent mugshot.
No word yet on why Delgado slugged her fisherman, although one suspects that it’s because she finally came to her senses and realized that she’s engaged to a professional bass fisherman. I mean, come on.
(Although our friends over at Kissing Suzy Kolber suspect that she may have punched him “while performing the dreaded ‘Reverse Bismarck.’” The world may never know.)
How to Kill a Chocolate Bunny
Try to look away. Just try:
Justice Perverted!
Well, how about this for fairness: A man has been ordered to pay alimony to an ex-wife who beat their son to death.
The decision was issued in the case of Linda Calbi, who is serving a three-year prison term after pleading guilty to beating her son, Matt, on Aug. 17, 2003, during a violent argument at their home. He died hours later from internal bleeding and cardiac arrest.
“I don’t understand how anyone can look my brother in the face and tell him that he has to pay this woman alimony,” said Brian Sokoloff, brother of Linda Calbi’s ex-husband, Chris. “Half of this opinion espouses sympathy for my brother, and the other half is saying, ‘Too bad.’ “
Linda Calbi was originally charged with murder, but the charges were later downgraded to aggravated assault, based on expert reports that medical error contributed significantly to the boy’s death. She was sentenced last year to three years in prison and won’t be eligible for parole until November 2008.
The Calbis were divorced in 2001 after 15 years of marriage. A few months after Matt’s death, Chris Calbi fell behind his alimony payments and filed papers in court seeking a reduction or termination of his payment obligations.
“She took the life of her oldest son, scarred her younger son for the rest of his life, and tore the fabric of my soul from me,” Chris Calbi wrote in papers filed in Superior Court in Hackensack. “To reward this evil and violent woman by allowing her … to derive a financial benefit from the family she destroyed … can only be described as a perversion of our justice system.”
A judge ordered him to continue making payments, then later interrupted alimony for the period that Linda Calbi is incarcerated.
But Chris Calbi’s arrears had risen to more $40,000 by then, and the judge ordered him to pay $400 a month to his ex-wife’s prison account.
I’m sure that Linda Calbi, somewhere in her legal documents, also argued that at least her husband doesn’t have to pay child support. Sheesh.
America Loves Its Troops!
The Bush administration and the G.O.P. just love to herald how much they support the troops. When it comes to war morale, they are the troop supportiest! That is, unless the troop in question loses an eye, a leg, or an arm and then, of course, the troop is no longer any good to them, which is why, of course, the Department of Defense is now asking wounded veterans to refund part of their enlistment bonuses if they are unable to fulfill their commitment because of, you know, getting shot by an insurgent.
In fact, one Jordan Fox received $10,000 for joining the Army, but when he survived machine gun battles and a roadside bomb that cost him his sight in one eye, the DoD sent him a bill, asking Fox to return $3,000 of his bonus because he couldn’t fulfill three months of his commitment. And, according to CBS, this isn’t an isolated incident: Thousands of wounded soldiers are being asked to return their signing bonuses.
I guess that’s just the DoD’s way of saying, “Happy Holidays.”
The Daily Memo - 11/26/07
“The fight over the Second Amendment, explained” by the ever-wonderful Dahlia Lithwick. (Slate)
Hey! I want free milkshakes and candied apples, damn it! (ATL and WSJ Law Blog)
It’s not bad enough that she’s a quadriplegic? The settlement for the girl injured in the Giants Stadium DUI case is remaining under seal so that her dad doesn’t try to steal her settlement money. (Law.com)
The New York Court of Appeals confirms that merely standing still on a sidewalk does not constitute disorderly conduct. (WSJ Law Blog)
“Well them gays and the gay lovers can meet at our school, just so long as they don’t go calling out the fact that they’re a bunch of queer huggers!” (UPI)
Why are us lawyers still stuck using the Bluebook, “an elaborate manual of propitiation as involved (and useless) as the pyramid tomb of a Pharaoh?” (Concurring Opinions)
A twelve-year-old is suing a New York technical school that won’t let him retake the entrance exam, even though there were other kids being loud the first time he took the test. Loud, damn it! (UPI)
Here a conviction, there a conviction, everywhere a conviction conviction
Three years ago, Jerome Felske applied to be a part-time truck driver for the city of Chicago and even though he admitted to six criminal convictions (five thefts and a burglary) he got the job. And this was despite the fact that the city had a No Ex-Cons policy, because “Felske had clout: He was helping register voters for the Hispanic Democratic Organization, then a powerful patronage army delivering votes for Mayor Daley.”
Last January, however, things took a bad turn for Felske when he was fired. Seems that the city inspector found out that Felske didn’t merely have 6 convictions, but a whopping 22 convictions. Turns out the city doesn’t like it when you only fess up to some of your heavily populated criminal past.
But don’t you cry for Jerome Felske. Because two months ago, he got his job back! The city’s Human Resources Board found the firing to be too stiff a punishment since the city attorneys couldn’t prove that Felske intentionally left those pesky other 16 convictions off his job application.
Felske, 64, didn’t lie about his past, his lawyer, Joseph Spingola, successfully argued; he just didn’t remember every last crime.
“I challenge anybody that is here today to try to recall their grocery list from only two weeks ago,” Spingola, a former chairman of the city’s Zoning Board of Appeals under Daley, told the board. “Essentially, he is being punished here for not having the best memory of anybody around.”
Ok, look — I have a sieve for a brain. Awful memory. And if I had 22 convictions under my belt over the span of a few decades, I might not be able to remember each and every one, particularly the dates of conviction. But I’m guessing I probably would remember most of it. And even if I couldn’t remember it all, I suspect I’d know that it was in the ballpark of 20, which is far removed from 6.
In any event, nice to know that Chicago gives you twenty-two strikes before you’re out. But you better behave, Mr. Felske, cause that next conviction might just get you a month unpaid leave!
You should suck more!
Activision is being sued over one of the Guitar Hero games. Earlier this year, before the big bad “Guitar Hero III” hit the stores, Activision released “Guitar Hero Encore: Rock the ’80s” to make some appetites whetted. One song included in the game was “What I Like About You,” a song originally performed by The Romantics.
Now the way these Guitar Hero games work, not all of the included songs are the originals. In fact, before the current “Guitar Hero III,” almost all of the songs were actually cover versions (in “Guitar Hero III,” about half the tunes are the originals). The version of “What I Like About You” included in “Rock the ’80s” is one such cover. Now Activision did what it’s supposed to, and got permission to include a cover. But The Romantics are suing the game company anyway because — get this — they say the included cover version is too good. So good that it sounds too much like the original and thereby infringes the group’s publicity rights.
Ah, the lengths that a one hit wonder will go to to milk all that it possibly can out of said one hit. What I like about you, indeed!
The wilfully blind leading the actually blind
(Friday’s NonSequitur, courtesy of GoComics.)
Satan Worshippers Strike Again
Ken Williams, the mayor of Centertown, Arkansas, has unfortunately been forced to resign from his position. Typical scenario, really — the poor guy recently realized that he used to be a preacher under a different name in Indiana and one day in the 1980s, he was abducted and brainwashed by Satan worshipers.
It was a double-life he had never acknowledged, Williams said, because he didn’t even realize it existed until he had recently taken a truth-serum injection.
As Williams regained his memory, he said, he realized that he had a wife and two kids but that he had decided to leave and take on a new identity to protect them.
“I had no choice. The choice was to watch my family killed before my eyes or go with these people, and I chose instead to run,” Williams said.
He wouldn’t explain from who he was running, saying only that he had been brainwashed.
“I had multiple shock treatments,” Williams said. “It took five years to get my memory back.”
Williams said he took his current identity in 1980 when he moved to Centerton. His full name — Bruce Kent Williams — was taken from a man who died in a car crash back in 1958, he said.
“What happened in 1980 — whether it was right or wrong — I did it under the threat of my family and for my own survival,” he said.
The information went public, Williams said, because he runs a Web site about Don LaRose and his disappearance. LaRose’s former family found the Web site and started inquiring about its author. They found the site registered to a Ken Williams and went from there.
Yet another victim of Satan worshiping abductors. This country really has to put the kibosh on them before they attack again.
Now, That’s Funny
From Yahoo News:
The millionaire producer of the “Girls Gone Wild” video series has accused guards of abusing him during his brief stay at an Oklahoma jail, a newspaper reported Friday.
Guards at the Grady County Law Enforcement Center denied Joe Francis food and blankets and threatened to strap him naked to a chair for 48 hours.
Hahahahahahahaha.
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.
That poor little bitch.
The Daily Memo - 11/23/07
The Dems show that they’ve got some stones. Teeny tiny stones, but stones nonetheless. (ATL)
Awwwww, poor Joe Francis says the guards are going wild. (CNN)
Uhm, if you’re a girl in Brazil, you seriously better be on your best behavior. …Jesus. (News.com.au)
This is preposterous - the military is saying it wants signing bonuses back from wounded soldiers because they haven’t served out their full commitments. (Think Progress)
Naked and drunk on a US highway, causing three accidents? Florida, right? …Wait, Delaware? (FindLaw)
Now why would you want a law firm run by someone with actual business acumen and training, rather than a lawyer? (Law.com)
Landlord/Tenant Law 101
Today’s lesson — blackmail gets the rent paid, every time. Except for when it doesn’t.
This lesson comes to us from, naturally, Florida, where we meet Jill Marita Munger, the owner of some Panama City Beach condo units. One of Munger’s recent tenants just moved out and didn’t pay all the rent owed to Munger. So Munger decided to track the tenant down to collect the past-due rent.
Fair enough.
When Munger found the unidentified tenant, however, she did more than just ask nicely for the money. Instead, she informed her former tenant that there was a hidden camera in the condo and if the overdue rent wasn’t paid, Munger threatened to release a sex tape on the internet. And then to sell the tape and publish the tenant’s Social Security number.
The tenant didn’t take kindly to all of this, so she called the cops and helped bust Munger in an undercover sting. The best part is that Munger’s threat was a bluff, as she had no sex tape in the first place!
Well played, Munger, well played!
Obnoxious city workers aren’t just limited to the US
Check out this wonderful meter maid in England:
A parking attendant sprang into action when a man collapsed outside Altrincham General Hospital - by trying to slap a ticket on the victim’s car.
The diligent warden came upon the scene after the man, who is diabetic, had keeled over in a car outside the hospital entrance.
Nurses ran out to help the man after his driver had dashed into the hospital to ask for assistance, and an ambulance was called.
But the intrepid meter maid spotted that the driver had pulled up in an ambulance bay - and was not about to show any leeway.
Undeterred by the frantic activity going on around her, the parking attendant repeatedly tried to issue a parking ticket.
She ignored protests and explanations as she pressed on - and even continued to issue a ticket after the ambulance arrived and the paramedics took over the care of the patient, according to a shocked observer.
The witness, who does not want to be named, said: “She finally did not give a ticket - but it took two ambulance men and the driver to persuade her that this guy had collapsed.
“Was this the first pantomime of the season?
“Sadly no, it was just another day in the life of the public, the medics, the hospital and an apparently over zealous parking attendant.
“One has to wonder whether she was trying to meet a target - or whether she was completely devoid of common sense.”
But how else will our kids grow up to be gangsters?
You gotta’ love city politics at work. In my hometown of Philly, it appears that the City Council actually passed a resolution banning the sale of toy guns. Now, it wasn’t binding, so I’m not sure why the local news is shocked — shocked, I say — to find that some toy stores have not removed their toy guns:
NBC 10’s Tim Furlong reports that “despite a September resolution from City Council asking stores to remove the guns from their shelves, some stores like KB Toys in the Franklin Mills Mall sell guns in all colors, shapes and sizes, including a realistic-looking machine gun and handgun purchased by Furlong.” Ooh, a toy gun sting operation!
But that’s just the cake of this story. The icing is that in nearby Wilmington, a City Councilman wants to ban sagging pants, proposing an ordinance which would fine people up to $250 for wearing baggy drawers. Councilman Mike Brown says: “Listen, I know under the first amendment everybody has their rights, but I have rights too.”
The right not to be visually offended by baggy pants? I must’ve missed that day of Con Law. (To be fair, I missed a lot of days of Con Law.)
Gobble gobble
Happy Turkey Day boys and girls. The QuizLaw crew is taking the day off so we can enjoy some tasty turkey, some NFL football, and some good times with the family. We suggest you do the same.*
*(Good times with the family are, of course, in no way guaranteed.)
The defense would like to call Harry Potter to the stand
Awesome story. Just awesome:
Having marital problems? Have you tried putting egg in your underpants?
A woman in Cyprus is on trial for sorcery after pledging to shake off a curse apparently plaguing a man’s relationship with his wife and mother-in-law.
The suggested remedy consisted of an egg, a spoon, a nail, some pubic hairs and underpants, local media reported on Friday.
“She cracked the egg into my underpants,” the 37-year-old man told a district court in the capital Nicosia.
The elderly woman wanted some 5,000 Cyprus pounds (5,968 pounds) for her efforts, the man said, so he went to police.
Sorcery is banned in Cyprus though many people indulge in card readings and palmistry and read runes in coffee cups.
Oh God! It Hurts … the Laughter … the Joy … the Tron Costume
Back in September, Seth warned that state taxes on Internet access may increase. But, why listen to Seth when you can get the same message from a woman with huge glasses, a rhinestone rainbow blouse, and gold shimmy pants singing about the Internet taxes?!
So, on this Thanksgiving, just give thanks that you’re not doing the robot in a Tron outfit or prancing around in a Peter Pan costume like some deranged version of the old dance group, Dee-Lite.
Oh, and Save the Internet!
Disney hates the disabled
Disney World has been sued by three disabled people who are ticked off that Disney won’t allow the use of Segways at its parks. While all three of the plaintiffs can stand, their walking ability is restricted by multiple sclerois, the accidental loss of a foot, and Lou Gherig’s disease. So they rely on Segway’s to help them get around.
The Disability Rights Advocates for Technology say that Segways provide disabled folks more mobility and dignity than wheelchairs, and the group has actually tried to get the parks to remove their Segway ban. But Disney says that its primary concern is for the safety of folks at its parks, and it’s worried about all these crazy disabled types zipping around on their Segways at speeds in excess of 12 mph.
So it appears that we need to put an asterisk on “the Happiest Place on Earth,” reading “unless you’re a crip.”
The Daily Memo - 11/21/07
The Red Hot Chili Peppers are suing Showtime over the title of its show “Californication.” (Defamer)
Reader Brianna is surprised that the Child Support Pimp is a Washington man, rather than a Floridian. But Florida doesn’t have the exclusive hold on rejects, it’s just got a plethora of them. (NY Times)
A New Jersey lawmaker hates t-i-t-s, tits tits tits. (SI)
The South Carolina Supremes are gonna check out some shady grade changes for some folks who took the state bar. (Law.com)
A judge may let some new defendants, including Suge Knight, be pulled into the Biggy Smalls wrongful death lawsuit. (FindLaw)
The Supremes do the Second Amendment because “guns don’t kill people, the Constitution does.” (Supreme Dicta and WSJ Law Blog)
Strap On!
The big political and legal story yesterday, of course, was the bombshell of obviousness that former White House press secretary Scott McClellan dropped as part of a preview for his upcoming book, Inside the Bush White House and What’s Wrong with Washington (due in April).
McClellan says in an upcoming book that he was misled by President George W. Bush and other high officials into misinforming the press about a CIA leak case that fueled debate about the Iraq war.
McClellan says he publicly exonerated former top White House aides Karl Rove and Lewis “Scooter” Libby because Bush had called on him to help restore his credibility after the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
“There was one problem. It was not true. I had unknowingly passed along false information. And five of the highest ranking officials in the administration were involved in my doing so: Rove, Libby, the vice president, the president’s chief of staff, and the president himself,” McClellan said in an excerpt released on Tuesday.
Meanwhile, on page 21B of tomorrow’s New York Times, it will be reported that Scott McClellan and his gay lover “accidentally overdosed on three bottles of Vicodin while dressed as fairy princesses and sporting dual strap-ons.” Vice President Dick Cheney’s fingerprints conveniently will not be found anywhere near the scene, as he will have spent the day in an “undisclosed location.”
Do you swear to drink the shot, the whole shot, and nothing but the shot?
Ok, this story is over a month old and comes to us for the foreign lands of Spain, but it’s too good not to talk about despite it’s lack of timeliness or nearby locale.
In September, a man got busted speeding through the city center of Alicante, and he was found to be a bit tipsy, blowing over double the legal limit. So he was arrested and charged with drunk driving, naturally. And the defense he wanted to mount was that he may have been drunk, but he’s a capable drunk driver, so it’s all good. Which is why his lawyer made the following request:
The lawyer had asked the court for his client to be made drunk, to prove that he is capable of driving while under the influence of alcohol.
Sadly, the judge turned this request down, calling it “impertinent” and saying that there were too many factors that couldn’t be repeated, “such as the amount of food he had eaten and his state of wakefulness.” Too bad — I think all courtroom proceedings could benefit from more drunk defendants.
Sheboygan!
As I’ve said before, I’ll post any story involving Sheboygan, cause it’s just so gosh darn fun to say. I love Sheboygan. Best damn city name in this fine country of ours (well, maybe except for Blue Ball, Pennsylvania). Anyway, Sheboygan comes up because of a recent story involving what some might say is the city’s attempt to quiet political dissent.
Seems that a local lady, Jeni Reisinger, is not a fan of Mayor Juan Perez. Last year, she was one of the leaders of a move to recall the mayor, and she now runs a web site which often has less-than-pleasant things to say about Mayor Perez and the job he’s doing. Separate and apart from that site, Reisinger runs a site for her web design business, and that site includes a link to the Sheboygan Police Department. Apparently, Mayor Perez initiated a move which led to the city attorney sending Reisinger a cease and desist letter:
The letter, dated Oct. 19, states, “maintenance of this link could be construed as having been authorized or endorsed by the city and/or its police department” and should be removed “until such time as the city were to authorize such a link.”
Meanwhile, Perez has no problem with any of this because he’s confident in his City Attorney’s legal acumen:
Perez defended the letter Friday, saying the city must be careful which Web sites link to it.
“People associate (Reisinger) with racism because of that Web site she designed during the recall when she had me holding a Mexican flag (with) ‘Power to illegals?’ captioned on it. They were calling me ‘muchachito’ and ‘senor,’ all these derogatory terms on that Web site, and she was the creator of that Web site,” Perez said. “My concern was that people would have some concern over her linking to a city Web site.”
The digitally-altered photo Perez referenced was posted on Reisinger’s original recall site, which, like Sheboygan Spirit, included a forum and other sections where users could post without her involvement.
Perez said he is under the impression Web sites must have the city’s permission to post links to the city’s Web site.
“If she didn’t need that, I believe attorney McLean would have told me that, and that would have been the end of it,” Perez said, though he added, “He said she wasn’t authorized, he didn’t say she needed permission.”
Yeah, well, might be time to bring in some new legal advisers, Mayor.
But whatever with all that. Sheboygan! …God I love it.
Who the Hell is the Science Guy?
I’m kind of embarrassed here, but I have no freakin’ idea who Bill Nye the Science Guy is. The best I can guess is that he was the 90s version of Mr. Wizard, a creepy guy who taught science to preadolescents on PBS. Anyway, “The Science Guy” (pictured, to the left, demonstrating his penis size, apparently) is seeking a restraining order against a woman he kind of married last year. Blair Tindall, dressed in black, showed up in his garden on Labor Day and allegedly dumped solvents of some sort in his veggies, and then fled when Nye espied her.
Tindall says it was just a sophomoric joke (killer herbicide! ha!) committed by a woman who had suffered “emotional cruelty.” Indeed, apparently, Tindall and Nye had a marriage ceremony last year performed by Pastor Rick Warren (he of The Purpose Driven Life). However, a few weeks later, they learned that the marriage license was invalid, at which time Nye realized his mistake and booted his “faux” wife to the curb. Tindall says her little stunt in the garden was the culmination of all the pain that Nye inflicted upon her.
I wonder if The Science Guy has a antidote for heartache? Here’s mine: Cyanide. Just a little caplet in your coffee, and you never have to worry about heartache again!
The folks at night, will shoot you on sight … deep in the heart of Texas!
A grand jury will get to decide if a man in his 70’s was really “defending himself” when he shot two men who he thought were breaking into his neighbor’s home. This case is a test of Texas’ broad “Castle Doctrine,” giving folks a strong self-defense right in their own homes, cars and offices.
As the 911 tapes show, however, this guy is the exact type of trigger-happy, stereotypical Texas-rube folks love to make fun of:
Police say that just before the shootings, the man called 911 to say he heard glass breaking and saw two men entering the home through a window.
911: “Pasadena 911. What is your emergency?”
Caller: “Burglars breaking into a house next door.”
A police spokesman says the man told the dispatcher that he was going to get his gun and stop the break-in.
Caller: “I’ve got a shotgun, do you want me to stop them?”
911: “Nope, don’t do that. Ain’t no property worth shooting somebody over, OK?”
The dispatcher repeatedly urged the man to stay calm and stay in his own home, reports CBS News correspondent Hari Sreeni\vasan.
911: “I’ve got officers coming out there. I don’t want you to go outside that house.”
Caller: “I understand that, but I have a right to protect myself too, sir, and you understand that. And the laws have been changed in this country since September the first, and you know it and I know it. I have a right to protect myself.”
A Texas law strengthening a citizen’s right to self-defense, the so-called “castle doctrine,” went into effect on Sept. 1. It gives Texans a stronger legal right to use deadly force in their homes, cars and workplaces.
The telephone line then went dead, but the man called police again and told a dispatcher what he was doing.
Caller: “Boom. You’re dead.” (Sounds of gunshots) “Get the law over here quick. I’ve managed to get one of them, he’s in the front yard over there. He’s down, the other one is running down the street. I had no choice. They came in the front yard with me, man. I had no choice.
He shot one suspect in the chest and the other in the side.
…I can’t even mock this fucking idiot, because he does too good a job of it all on his own. “Boom. You’re dead.” …Sigh.
I Hate Gays This Much (| ————————————|)
The Reverend Ken Hucherson, former Dallas Cowboy linebacker and current crazy person, has taken it upon himself to reverse the gay-friendly policies of Microsoft. In fact, he’s so displeased with the way the company champions gay rights that the good Reverend has decided that he and his church brethren will buy out the company so he can reverse the policies himself.
“There are 256 Fortune 500 companies alone pouring millions upon millions of dollars into pushing the homosexual agenda,” he told The Daily Telegraph.
“I consider myself a warrior for Christ. Microsoft don’t scare me. I got God with me.
“I told them that you need to work with me or we will put a firestorm on you like you have never seen in you life because I am your worst nightmare. I am a black man with a righteous cause with a whole host of powerful white people behind me.”
Great idea, Reverend. You have 3500 members of your church, and Microsoft shares are valued at around $317 billion. So, all you have to do is convince each member of your church to buy up $90 million worth of shares. Easy. Peasy.
The Daily Memo - 11/20/07
Screw your DWI charges, cause I’m a judge, bro. (Daily Record)
Parents in Maryland are pissed about having to show up to court so that their kids get required vaccinations. (FindLaw)
If you care about such things, the American Lawyer summer associate survey is roaming free in the wild. (ATL)
You heard about Mike Tyson’s massive sentence on his drug and DUI charges, right? A hefty one whole day in the clink. (Lawinfo)
Are anonymous bloggers protected against defamation? If they’re opinionated assholes, kinda yeah. …We here at QuizLaw breathe an enormous sigh of relief. (Sui Generis)
The D.C. Court of Appeals doesn’t seem so keen on having money changed to help out the blind. (FindLaw)
The California Bar Exam results are out and an 18-year-old girl is among the lucky ones who have passed. Why is she wasting her best drinking years being all grown-up like? (ATL and WSJ Law Blog)
The Feds hate independent businessmen
Down in Georgia, Winston Peterson was just trying to make an honest living. His wife ran a business of her own and he thought, “entrepreneur — why that’s something I could do!” So Peterson became a landlord.
Which would be well-and-good if not for the fact that Peterson was the local Sheriff and the tenants he was charging rent to were all the local inmates. Back in 2000, he started charging prisoners $18 a day for room and board, and between 2000 and 2004, he collected over twenty-seven grand. Worse yet, Peterson actually forced at least one inmate to go do slave labor at his wife’s business.
Peterson has now been indicted for perjury, obstruction of justice, using force labor, and extortion. The obstruction charge comes from the fact that he allegedly alerted “an unindicted co-conspirator about the identify of an FBI informant he believed was part of a criminal investigation into courthouse activities.”
I’m telling you, with the Feds getting so nitpicky these days, how the hell does our government except any of us to earn a good living? Crickey.
Happy Holidays, Bushy!
The folks over at the Center for Constitutional Rights are working on giving President Bush a very special Christmas. Specifically, they’re hoping to send him over 25,000 copies of the Constitution as a way to remind him “that he swore an oath to uphold the Constitution of the United Sates,” rather than “systematically destroying” it. You can sign their petition here, and that page also gives you a link where you can donate if you’re so inclined (they say the production and shipping costs come out to about $2.50/Constitution, so they would need a hefty $62,500 to hit their goal of 25,000 Constitutions).
Of course, while this is an amusing and fun idea which I whole-heartedly support, the problem is that it just doesn’t matter. I don’t think Bush needs reminding that he swore an oath to uphold the Constitution. He knows … he just doesn’t care.
“Something stupid has happened.” “How stupid is it?” “Florida.”
From the Northwest Florida Daily News:
A man was arrested for shoplifting two bottles of White Rain Hair Spray, which he drank in the Wal-Mart on Beal Parkway, according to an Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office report.
He told the arresting officer that the reason he drank the hair spray was because he was “a hard-core alcoholic” and needed the buzz. When asked why he simply didn’t use the $15 found on him to get some real booze, he said he was shopping at that Wal-Mart, and when he spotted the hair spray, “The temptation was too great.”
Wow, his next crap is going to have so much life and bounce to it now. With a natural-looking sheen and fuller body. That is going to be one spectacular poo!
Chuck Norris Endorses Huckabee, Single-Handedly Protects Border
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Mike Huckabee is the coolest, nicest politician that I will never, ever vote for. He’s a right-to-lifing, pro-gun, anti-gay, evolution-disbelieving, crazy-Christian Republican, and yet I can’t help myself: He’s charming and likable as hell, self-effacing, and other than being absolutely wrong most of the time, a pretty smart guy to boot.
Now Huckabee has Chuck Norris in his camp, hoping to bolster his chances in Iowa, where he’s set to overtake Mitt Romney in polls, and is even threatening to become an actual force in the GOP election. And, as his commercial with Norris attests, Huckabee has a helluva sense of humor, too.
Fred Thompson, surly “Law and Order” vet, claims that Huckabee’s TV spot proves that he’s not serious about immigration.
“With his new campaign ad featuring Chuck Norris, Mike Huckabee has confused celebrity endorsement with serious policy. What would Huckabee do to secure America’s border against millions of illegal immigrants pouring into our country? According to his ad, ‘Two words: Chuck Norris,’” said Thompson campaign spokesman Todd Harris.
I mean, do you need more? I think Chuck can handle border control by himself. And Thompson: Get off your lazy ass and go find a sense of humor, man.
This Old Man Came Rolling Home
A man in Winnipeg got stinky sloshed and apparently he got frisky with … well … he played stick the …er … he gave a stuffed dog a bone.
A Winnipeg man who turned an East Kildonan garage into an impromptu passion pit paid a stiff price yesterday for his heavy petting session with a stuffed toy dog.
The 27-year-old man pleaded guilty to mischief and break, enter and theft and was sentenced to six months in jail.
Court heard Winnipeg police were called shortly before 6 p.m. on March 26 after a Chelsea Avenue resident spotted the man breaking into her garage. The man exited the garage a short time later and moved on to a neighbour’s garage, where he stole a lawn mower, a mountain bike, a blanket and a stuffed toy dog.
The man eventually returned to the first garage, where police found him nearly two hours later passed out inside a boat.
“He was lying there with his genitalia exposed next to the stuffed dog,” said Crown attorney John Peden. “While the police report doesn’t describe it this way, the dog might be appropriately characterized as now being anatomically correct, as opposed to its condition before he removed it.”
I can’t even begin to understand what that means. It sounds like he fucked a stuffed toy, but no one would do that, right?
The Daily Memo - 11/19/07
Last Thursday, the Supremes put the temporary kibosh on the execution of a convicted child killer in Florida. (CNN)
“30 Interview Questions You Can’t Ask and 30 Sneaky, Legal Alternatives to Get the Same Info.” (HR World)
Of TV show titles and trademark law. (The Hollywood Reporter, via The Trademark Blog)
Apparently, it’s not too hot in the hot tub. (WT&E Prof Blog)
Former Supreme Sanda Day is tickled pink that her husband has fallen in love with another gal. (AGIS)
Wait, what? You mean NASA isn’t as well funded as the DoD? Get. Outta. Here. (Slashdot)
Fork me? Fork YOU! (MLive.com)
Wisconsin is considering legislation which would make it the 23rd state to require fire-safe cigarettes which extinguish themselves when not being smoked. (La Cross Tribune)
It just doesn’t stop, does it?
First, there was the lead. Then the GHB. Now, it is being revealed that cheap and popular Chinese headbands have been made from…ugh…used condoms.
Used condoms are being recycled into hair bands in southern China, threatening to spread sexually-transmittable diseases they were originally meant to prevent, state media reported Tuesday.
In the latest example of potentially harmful Chinese-made products, rubber hair bands have been found in local markets and beauty salons in Dongguan and Guangzhou cities in southern Guangdong province, China Daily newspaper said.
“These cheap and colourful rubber bands and hair ties sell well … threatening the health of local people,” it said.
Despite being recycled, the hair bands could still contain bacteria and viruses, it said.
“People could be infected with AIDS, (genital) warts or other diseases if they hold the rubber bands or strings in their mouths while waving their hair into plaits or buns,” the paper quoted a local dermatologist who gave only his surname, Dong, as saying.
I don’t know what’s worse: the splooge-in-hair jokes, or that they actually said that the doctor they quoted only wanted to be called “Dong.”
The holiday season begins!
It may seem just a bad joke, but it is all too real. Santa (at least in Australia) has been forced to drop his signature laugh.
Santas in Australia’s largest city have been told not to use Father Christmas’s traditional “ho ho ho” greeting because it may be offensive to women, it was reported Thursday.
Sydney’s Santa Clauses have instead been instructed to say “ha ha ha” instead, the Daily Telegraph reported.
One disgruntled Santa told the newspaper a recruitment firm warned him not to use “ho ho ho” because it could frighten children and was too close to “ho”, a US slang term for prostitute.
Oh, St. Nick. Should have kept your pimp hand a little stronger.
Representative Jim Gooch - King of the Hillbilly Hicks
That Jabba-looking guy over there is Representative Jim Gooch, a democrat in the fine state of Kentucky’s legislature. And he don’t believe in none of that global warming hooey. So when he set up a hearing on global warming, as the chairman of the interim joint Agriculture and Natural Resources Committee, he purposefully didn’t invite anyone who believes in global warming because god forbid there be a two-sided debate. “You can only that the sky is falling so many times,” he said. “We hear it every day from the news media, from the colleges, from Hollywood.”
After some other committee members protested the one-sided nature of this, Gooch let two environmentalists in the audience talk for a few minutes but said that “it really wasn’t my intention to get into much science today.” And besides, even if he wanted to get into the science of it all, how the hell could he:
“Well, I mean, where are we going to get scientists?” Gooch asked. “We’re limited here in Kentucky to what we can do. I don’t know how we’d necessarily get scientists to come here.”