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Hick Hop Waffles

image_5979902.jpgWhen I was in high school, I spent a lot of late nights in Waffle Houses. They used to have this great deal: All you can eat for $2.99. The problem, of course, is that they’d only bring two items out at a time, and at least one of those items (usually the eggs) was completely inedible. And, Waffle House’s policy — at least where I was from — was that you couldn’t ask for anything else on the all-you-can-eat menu until you’d cleaned your plate, which was all but impossible when your eggs tasted like the underside of a truck driver: Assy. But, you take the bad with the good: In most places in the South, the Waffle House is the only restaurant remaining in which your short-order cook, in full view of the restaurant, can smoke cigarettes and scratch his butt while standing over your breakfast, as if to say: $2.99, bitches — and the nicotine is free!

And if you were in DeKalb, Georgia on Saturday night, you could’ve gotten Kid Rock to give you an ass-whoopin’ for free, too. All you had to do was talk shit to one of the fine skanks in his entourage, and you could’ve gotten toast, eggs, hash browns and a black eye for the low-low price of $2.99.

At least that’s what happened to Harlen DeJon Akins at 5:15 in the a.m. He gave some lip to one of the fine ladies in Kid Rock’s entourage, and Kid Rock and his little friends beat the tar out of Mr. Akins. Kid Rock was arrested and charged with a misdemeanor, but Akins was charged with a felony because, during the altercation, he broke a window at the Waffle House. And a man ought to know never to fuck with a fine establishment like the Waffle House, which I’m sure just got some plastic and taped it over where the window should be and pocketed the insurance money. God Love Waffle House.

| Comments (1)


I love your page. First time to comment but just had to when you talked about something so close to my heart. I love me some Waffle House, and men who have enough hair to have a pony tail. As a patron to the fine establishment known as Waffle House, who also knows the rules of "You eat what you get, and don't you dare think about returning your God-damn food," I just have to state that the Waffle House is one of the best eating places ever invented by the USofA. Take your fine dining, with all your fully enclosed kitchen, and relish not in packets and shove it up your high falutin' ass. I'll take my Martha-Dean and Betty-Anne any day.