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Zombie Rapist

land-of-the-dead-zombie-cropped.jpgAttorneys in Colorado had an interesting case on their hands this week. The matter involved Ralph Ridenour, a 91-year-old man (!) who had been accused of sexual assault “after a nurse at the Palisade nursing home where he lived said he threatened to rape her, pulled her pants down and held onto her sleeve while she tried to escape.”

The attorneys spent all morning arguing over whether the man was fit to stand trial.

Turns out: Not so much — he died a month ago. If it wasn’t for the fact he has already been cremated, I suspect the attorneys would have Bernied him into the courtroom and made his corpse suffer through a trial. After all, there’s no sense in wasting a good legal argument.

You gotta love the compassion of the district attorney, though. When he was told that Ridenour was dead, the D.A. responded, “That’s a relief for public safety.” He was 91, suffered from dementia, and lived in a fucking nursing home: Just how dangerous a menace was he to society?