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Monthly Archives: August 2007
Whack-a-Defendant
A clip from the most recent episode of Adult Swim’s “Robot Chicken” which just made me giggle (and I apologize for the absolutely garish colors Adult Swim has included with their embedded video player):
Gives a whole new meaning to “whacking off,” don’t it? Thank you, I’ll be here all week.
A QuizLaw Update: Hang ‘Em if You Got ‘Em
Good news out of Texas. A few weeks ago, we told you about the case of Kenneth Foster, who was sentenced to death under Texas’ absurd Law of Parties statute, which basically makes you equally guilty of a crime your buddy commits if you’d shared a cigarette the night before. Here, Kenneth Foster was about 100 yards away, and allegedly had no prior knowledge of what was about to happen, when a friend of his shot another man to death. Foster, despite never pulling a trigger, was sentenced to death.
Well last night, in an extremely rare move, Texas Governor Rick Perry commuted Foster’s sentence to life in prison. How rare? Well, Perry apparently only grants clemency when he’s pressured by the Supreme Court, and has done so in the case of two mentally retarded men and twenty something juveniles. Of course, bloodthirsty Perry will have plenty more opportunities to satiate his need to kill: There are five more executions scheduled for September and, if all goes as planned, 33 people will be put to death in 2007.
The Daily Memo - 8/31/07
Apple has been sued … again … this time “over alleged violations of accessibility laws” in its San Francisco retail store. (Engadget)
A slew of folks (including AOL, Amazon, Borders, Google and Yahoo) have been sued for patent infringement involving the automatic interpretation of e-mails. (Download Squad)
“[P]ursuant to a settlement, Augusten Burroughs has agreed to no longer refer to Running With Scissors as a ‘memoir,’ but instead a ‘book,’ and add materials to future editions making clear that the book is only loosely based on his life.” (ALOTT5MA)
A judge rules that it doesn’t matter if she lies online and tells you she’s 18 when she’s really 14, i.e., stay away from underage poon, you perv! (ars technica)
“Bobby Brown claims in a lawsuit that Whitney Houston has kept him from seeing their teenage daughter.” …Can you blame her? (Not that she’s much better.) (CNN)
Gordon Ramsay makes me laugh
So a little while back, Gordon Ramsay (a celebrity chef most well known on this side of the pond for “Hell’s Kitchen”) was sued over his new show “Kitchen Nightmares.” “Nightmares” is an Americanized version of his British show where Ramsay goes to ailing restaurants and spends a week trying to help them turn things around. One restaurant Ramsay visited for the new show was Dillons, a midtown Manhattan restaurant. It’s this visit that got him sued by Martin R. Hyde, the restaurant manager at the time (Hyde was fired after the show taped). Hyde alleges that the show staged things to make the restaurant look worse than it was, and that Hyde was humiliated by Ramsay.
Ramsay has now spoken out on the lawsuit and I’m not sure he makes his true feelings truly known when he calls the lawsuit and its accusations that his show faked scenes “a fucking joke.” Ramsay goes on to say:
“I would never-ever-ever dream of setting anything up. I want to sleep at night. We were issued a writ because, God bless America, if the toilet paper is not thick enough and you come out with a rash on your ass [you’ll get sued].”
Ramsay also wants to make it very clear that the restaurant in question, Dillons, wasn’t a lovely place:
“We found extraordinary droppings from rats and the most unhygienic kitchen I’ve ever seen in my career. There should be a government health warning before the program saying ‘all dinner should be consumed before watching this program.’”
I wonder if he threatens to send his kids to Gitmo if they bring home B’s?
The following, which is about as spot-on as one can get, is by Mike Luckovich, courtesy of Truthdig:
Nicely Packed, Bag Boy
You see, this is the problem with city councils: They have so little to do, that they starting making up shit to justify their meager salaries. And now, there’s yet another new trend in city ordinances which is sweeping the nation, preoccupying otherwise bored city council members tired of hearing about zoning regulations and overhangs: It’s ass overhangs.
Indeed, two cities in Louisiana are considering bans on baggy pants, which would bring the total to six (6) cities in the state to ban droopy pants under indecency laws. Fines can range from $25 to $200 and community service. Atlanta is also considering passing a similar ordinance, specific to baggy jeans that reveal thongs or (tacky) underwear.
Of course the ordinances are ridiculous. And of course they’ll probably be challenged at some point and stricken from the books before “belt brigades” and “sagging” courts are put into effect. But, personally, while I’m not keen on the fashion aspects of the baggy jeans, I’m certainly impressed: How the hell do you hold up your pants when they’re six inches below your ass? I have a certain respect for any fashion choice that defies gravity.
Bone Thugs-n-JD
With a huge hat tip to Above the Law, I give you … the “The Thug Lawyer:”
If you head over to Lat’s post, you can read all about P’Ta Mon, JD, the reggae musician who’s “close to the streets.”
The Daily Memo - 8/30/07
Geena Davis has sued a charity she says she helped create. (Defamer)
A federal court has upheld a ban by NYC’s City Council prohibiting the use of metal bats in highschool baseball. (ESPN)
Any story including a mobster named Joey “The Clown” just can’t be bad, right? (CNN)
“Edwards wants law against ‘Brownies.’” (Reuters)
Shocking and breaking news: Ethics require lawyers who order court transcripts to pay for them. (Legal Profession Blog)
The Second Circuit is punting on the issue of federal sentencing. (WSJ Law Blog)
Who You Calling Gay?
Commenting on the Bathroomgate, Larry Craig’s endeavor to get his wet willied over a urinal in an airport bathroom, Tucker Carlson said something kind of unsettling. He tells Joe Scarborough (at around the 2:50 mark in this clip) that he was once solicited by another man in a Georgetown bathroom, and his response was to go get a friend, return to the bathroom, grab the guy, and “hit him against the stall.” What’s so unsettling about it — other than the notion that any gay man would be hard up enough to hit on a douchebag with a bow tie — is the raucous laughter that this little anecdote elicits from both Scarborough and the Aryan fuckmonster hosting this particular show. I mean, Jesus: These are grown men teetering like Beavis and Butthead about the idea that Tucker knocked around a gay guy. If a female prostitute had hit on Tucker Carlson, and had he banged her head against the stall, would they still be laughing like junior high punks who’d just stolen someone’s lunch money?
Besides, where the hell does Tucker Carlson get off laughing about a guy’s sexual orientation. Nice shirt, buddy.
Oh, and the latest on bathroomgate, is that the Republicans are trying to talk Craig into stepping down, not because he’s gay, but because he committed a crime. Of course, of course. It has absolutely nothing to do with his homosexuality, even though it took a federal felony indictment and ample evidence of criminal behavior to get any Republican even remotely behind the Tom Delay ouster.
So I guess a recommendation is out of the question?
Howard Moore recently got out of a Northern California jail after serving an 18 month sentence for robbery. Earlier this month, he decided to celebrate in, apparently, the only way he knows how — he arranged for a 47-year-old real estate agent to show him a house and, during the viewing, he attacked her, raped her and robbed her. While all this was going on, the unidentified woman tried to gain his trust and befriend him, even going so far as to tell Moore that she might be able to help him get a job as a security or body guard. They arranged a job interview for the next day and son of a bitch if Moore didn’t actually show up to the designated coffee shop for his job interview!
The idiot scumbag was promptly arrested by sheriff’s deputies, of course.
And actually, Moore got off lucky. The victim said her original plan was to “exact vigilante justice on him” because she was afraid he would wind up behind bars for his crime. A relative of hers, who happened to be a former cop, managed to talk her out of going Charles Bronson on Moore, and that’s how the sheriff got involved.
But what the hell? I mean, I know it takes a bent mind to commit rape in the first place, but to then actually believe that your victim is going to hook you up with a job? I don’t know why I continue to be dumbfounded by the idiocy of so many people, yet the morons of the world always find a new way to get me. So my hat’s off to you for that, Mr. Scumbag.
It’s funny cause it’s true
I have no doubt some uppity-up at the RIAA employs exactly this type of logic on a daily basis:
(Hat tip to Legal Antics.)
Ooops I Crapped My Pants
Everybody thought Lisa Nowak was all sorts of astronaut shit crazy a few months back when she bought some diapers, a wig, and a trench coat and drove a couple thousand miles to stalk her romantic rival. Well, ladies and gentlemen: The diaper trick is the oldest in the book. I mean, it all but guaranteed that not only would she plead insanity to any charges brought against her (attempted kidnapping, battery and burglary) but that she’d probably even get off Scott free. It’s genius, right? I mean who the hell but a crazy lady decides to risk shitting her pants so she could kill her man’s new lover?
But if you ask me, it was a calculated move that may just set off a rash of diaper-insanity defenses that will flood the legal system. Just think: If Michael Vick had worn his Huggies while torturing and executing dogs, he might’ve avoided a prison sentence. If Paris Hilton had simply shat her Pampers before getting pulled over for that DUI, she’d have never spent a night in jail. Seriously, everyone should wear their Depend undergarments — you never know when you’re gonna get an attack of the crazies, and a wet diaper is like your get out of jail free card.
Crazy like fox.
Misdemeanor Files: Make Sexy Time with Corpse
Jesus! Roderick Jones is a kinky motherfucker (and, by the looks of his mug shot, way fucking hiiiiigh). The man likes to get freaky with dead folk. As in, raising up a corpse leg, pulling off her stocking all slow-like, peeling off her plastic covering to the soulful sounds of Barry White, and plundering away at a dead lady like the club-hopping Butabi brothers to Haddaway’s “What is Love.” And just minutes before her viewing at a funeral home, no less.
A man’s gotta get his freak on. And I guess a little thing like death ain’t much of an obstacle.
The Daily Memo - 8/29/07
Irony, thy name is a copyright advocacy group which violates copyright law. (Slashdot)
Well of course strippers will know when you’re paying them with counterfeit Benjamins. (UPI)
An ex-Tennessee state senator has been given a nice 5-and-a-half year vacation in the clink, thanks to some bribing. (LawInfo)
A judge has ruled that using a program like Kazaa basically opens you up for direct copyright infringement liability. (ars technica)
“The latest on Laptopgate” (“Laptopgate” being the New York bar exam debacle). (Above the Law)
If you’re happy and you know it and you really want to show it…
A month ago, a ban was put in place in Brattleboro, Vermont, forbidding folks from being nude in public. While this ban was only temporary, there was recently a proposed ordinance which would’ve made the ban permanent. However, it was voted down 3-2 last week, so once the temporary ban runs out, public nudity will be legal again! Residents against the ban feel that our country is “going down a slippery slope these days” with ever-increasing intolerance.
But 967 people from the town signed a petition showing their support for the ban. The organizer of the petition asks: “What is the point, other than shock and awe, that the nudists are trying make?” Clearly, this is a man who has never experienced the joy of a cool breeze upon his Willy Wonka, unencumbered by anything as pesky as clothes.
Common Sense Lesson #153
We’ve told you before that when you’re planning to commit a crime, you need to cover your tracks. Don’t leave a “weapons to buy” list lying around, don’t ask your neighbor to watch your kids while you go a-killing, etc. It’s just poor criminal sense. And another one of these rules you need to follow is this: If you’re planning to make illegal drugs, don’t use your own account to purchase the ingredients on eBay.
This is the lesson that 29-year-old Carl Andrew Dubois has learned, now that he’s been arrested for making Ecstasy. The Colorado man not only got all of the ingredients he needs off of eBay (using a Pay-Pal account of course tied to his personal credit card), but his e-mail address was the rather on-the-nose “freebasing@hotmail.com.” When he and his girlfriend were arrested a few weeks back, the cops found enough stuff in the house to make over 50,000 tabs of X, which would have a street value of a whopping $3 million.
So this lesson isn’t just about common sense, it’s about good business, since Dubois wound up taking a rather substantial loss by not following this easy rule.
You Don’t Know Where that Thumb has Been
Here’s an interesting story that’s only tenuously related to the law, but what the hell: Roger Ebert is currently in contract negotiations with Disney over a renewal of his movie review show, “At the Movies.” While the show used to feature Gene Siskel and Ebert, because of Siskel’s passing and Ebert’s ill health. it’s now mostly Richard Roeper and an assortment of guest hosts who may or may not have their own agendas.
Anyway, negotiations are not going particularly well and Roger got all offended at the meager first-offer Disney made, so Ebert got all pissy and decided to withhold the thumbs up/thumbs down grades that the show gives. And who the hell knew that Ebert and Siskel’s estate owned the thumbs up? It’s trademarked. How about that? You’d think for sure that Henry Winkler owned that. Anyway, Ebert is withholding the designation for the time being, though it’s likely that he’ll never be back on the show and Roeper will have to go on being irrelevant with a permanent co-host. I mean, respect to Ebert and all, but movie criticism has moved on — unless you’re jamming those thumbs into your eye sockets and pulling out a bit of brain matter, no one is gonna be that interested in your opinion.
Man, I miss Fat Ebert.
He Really Loves Spuds
Idaho Republican Senator Larry Craig is in all sorts of political hot water — enough to drown a couple of Vegas male prostitutes and top off a gin. Up for reelection next year, after three terms in the Senate, his campaign is in jeopardy after he pleaded guilty to misdemeanor charges of lewd conduct in a men’s room at a Minneapolis airport. The arrest happened in June and, early this month, Craig paid a $500 fine, avoided a 10-day jail sentence, and the issue sort of disappeared. It’s hard to say why, as August is winding down, that someone decided to really make this a story — maybe in a slow news week, the media decided to catch up on some old scuttlebutt it missed, and went after Craig — who has a history of hating the gays and was a big supporter of Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign (and Craig’s presumed/alleged/supposed gayness is political cooties to Romney’s presidential bid).
At any rate, the Associated Press, reporting on the story, is apparently way too goddamn classy to come right out and say what happened. AP writes that Craig’s sexuality has been in question since the 1980s, it writes that allegations he has engaged in gay sex have never been substantiated, and then it writes that his arrest “changes the dynamic.”
And, presumably, what the AP means by “changes the dynamic,” is that Craig’s political career is completely ruined because the man attempted to pull out his little Senator and have one of the bathroom’s constituents do a little oral gerrymandering on the man’s cock.
How’s that for classy?
And, apparently, all Republican Senators are now having sex in bathrooms.
The Daily Memo - 8/28/07
Got questions for the Democratic presidential candidates? (Slate)
A Washington prosecutor “is facing allegations that that he did not properly disclose past sexual relationships with the mother of a victim in one case and the mother of a defendant in another.” (MyPlainView.com)
A Scotsman was perfectly happy to go to jail when a Stockholm restaurant called the cops on him after he refused to pay a $20,000 tab. (The Local)
“Photographer sues church for slip on water.” No word on whether it was holy water, but if it was, seems to me like God’s plan trumps any claim for damages. (Madison County Record)
If you’re committing crime and you don’t want to be easily identified, maybe you shouldn’t have face tattoos! (SunJournal.com)
In re Blawg Review. (Texas Appellate Law Blog)
Medicare is going to stop paying for preventable incidents (“hospital-acquired complications”) like things being left in a patient after surgery (where non-coverage seems to make sense) and infections that come after heart surgery (where I’m a bit more perplexed). (Guardian Unlimited)
Allen Iverson’s step-pappy has been indicted on federal drug charges thanks to some crack he had in his car last April. (SI)
Pulp Law Review tells the truth about its law review submission policy. (Concurring Opinions, via WT&E Prof Blog)
“In my day, we slang yeyo uphill both ways….”
So might say 93-year-old William C. Tinnen. The North Carolina nonagenarian was arrested last week after a police raid of his house turned up coke, drug paraphernalia and guns. Three others were arrested as part of this large undercover sting, and they were all hit with a slew of charges (interestingly, those other three have a collective age that’s only a little more than Tinnen’s 93 years). Tinnen, himself, was hit with charges of cocaine-trafficking, possession with intent to sell, possession of drug paraphernalia and owning a house to sell drugs from.
Needless to say, Tinnen is facing a sentence, if convicted, which would keep him in jail for whatever years he has left.
The sad part of this story is this — what has this country come to when even our drug dealers can’t retire and enjoy their golden years? Breaks your heart, doesn’t it?
It takes balls to do something like that … some might say it takes Powerballs! (Thank you - I’ll be here all night.)
Rajinder Kauer was recently arrested and charged with grand theft. Kauer works at a 7-Eleven in northern California, and her alleged grand theft actually took place on the job. Get this — a guy came in with his Mega Millions ticket and she told him he won $4, happily giving him the cash. And since the guy was apparently too lazy to check the ticket on his own, he didn’t know that it was really worthy a cool $555,000. In fact, he only became suspicious of the whole thing when he heard a later report about a winning ticket being in the wild, but that a winner had not come forward yet.
I mean, if you’re gonna bother playing the lotto, can’t you at least take the ten second effort to check your numbers? That way, if you win, at least you can claim you did something to earn the money, you know?
It’s so hard to say goodbye….
Yes, there’s a chance Chertoff may take over as our new Attorney General, but let’s enjoy the eye at the center of the storm for a moment, can’t we? Here, as Bonnie Goldstein at Slate puts it, is the “long-awaited letter of resignation, effective Sept. 17.”
Meanwhile, the WSJ Law Blog looks at some of the folks, including Chertoff, who might be our next AG. So does Slate.
Meanwhile, Bush is still a delusional prick:
It’s sad that we live in a time when a talented and honorable person like Alberto Gonzales is impeded from doing important work because his good name was dragged through the mud for political reasons.
Achy Breaky Lawsuit
Buddy Sheffield, a comedy writer who has written episodes of “The Smothers Brothers” and “Dolly,” filed suit against Disney, claiming that the studio ripped off his idea and turned it into the Disney Channel show “Hannah Montana.” He is suing for breach of contract, unfair competition, and unjust enrichment. His pitch, he claims, was about a junior high student who lived a double life as a rock star.
According to an IMDB description, “Hannah Montana” is about Miley Stewart, who “leads a completely normal life, except for one factor. She’s teen pop sensation Hannah Montana! She lives with her fun dad Robbie Ray (Billy Ray Cyrus) … and goes through average teen problems including pimples, bullies, and the occasional wicked cousin trying to reveal your secret.”
When asked for comment about the pending litigation, the current writer for “Hannah Montana” could not be reached, as he was too busy trying to color within the lines and preparing for the upcoming Special Olympics, in which he’ll compete against “Hannah Montana’s” casting director.
To relive that Achy Breaky magic, just hit play on the video below!
There Are No Coincidences
It looks like every goddamn gossip blog in the known universe is reporting today that Owen Wilson — known as the Butterscotch Stallion on Defamer and a lot of other blogs who stole the line from Defamer — attempted suicide and is currently being hospitalized before being detoxed. When I heard the news, I was dumbfounded, mostly because I knew his career is going fairly well (You, Me, and Dupree notwithstanding) — he’s got another Wes Anderson flick coming about this fall (and the kids love the quirky Anderson movies), and he’s got four other films in various stages of production, all of which look very promising. What would compel the man to try to take his own life? It just didn’t make any sense to me.
And then it clicked. As Seth reported exclusively in Georgia font, Alberto Gonzales resigned this morning. It all makes sense now. Owen was a closet-Republican, whose fondness for the GOP rivaled that of his Butterscotch predilections. Word must have leaked early in certain celebrity circles (everyone knows that the Hollywood elite are the Republicans beards) and Wilson must’ve taken the news awfully hard, triggering his suicide attempt.
Hang in there, Owen. Keep your chin up, buddy. We understand that Michael Chertoff may be in line for the position. Stay strong.
The Daily Memo - 8/27/07
I’m shocked this is in Utah and not Florida: “The wife of the Wendover police chief has been arrested for selling drugs at the club where she strips.” (KSL.com)
A lawsuit against a pet store, on behalf of a girl bitten by a Rottweiler brought into the store by another customer, has been thrown out because customers bringing in their pets into pet stores is, you know, part of the whole pet store thing. (Overlawyered)
Wilson Sonsini prefers to kill all its birds with one stone. (Above the Law)
McDonald’s has itself another lawsuit, this time over — ewwww — a bloody bandage found inside a biscuit. (Charleston Daily Mail)
The lawsuit against supermodel Naomi Campbell just got juicier, as a judge has ruled that her past battles with aides and maids can be brought into the case. (FindLaw)
The Las Vegas law banning folks from feeding the homeless has been nixed by a federal judge. (LawInfo)
The chairman of the FCC supports cable plans which would provide for a la carte programming (as opposed to the current scheme of big channel packages). (PC Magazine)
Browsing kiddie porn online, even without saving the images, will still get you a charge of possession of child pornography, says the Pennsylvania Supreme Court. (Law.com)
When good ghost stories go bad
One night in August of last year, three high school girls snuck onto the property of Allen S. Davis. They did this simply because they thought his house was “spooky,” and they were looking for some cheap thrills. See, Davis’ house sits across from a cemetery, and has a bunch of unruly shrubs obscuring the view. Plus, Davis, who lives in the house with his mother, is a loner who has a bowl haircut and wears thick glasses and poorly-fit clothes. And in the 80s, neighbors used to hear screams coming from the house, courtesy of Davis’ grandmother. So we’re talking classic Haunted House here, making the girls’ curiosity entirely understandable.
And they were pretty harmless. Using their cell phones as flashlights (modern technology is just so dandy, ain’t it?), they just crept a little onto Davis’ property and, after being sufficiently spooked, they ran back to a car, honked the horn, and drove off.
Trouble is, Davis isn’t keen on trespassers, and he fired off a couple rounds from his rifle at the car. The girls heard the shots and thought it was just some firecrackers, until they stopped around the corner only to have another bullet come flying into the car, hitting one of the girls in her shoulder and head. She wound up with a paralyzed arm and leg, and Davis ultimately wound up pleading guilty to two counts of felonious assault, receiving a 19 year sentence in the clink.
Davis says that he didn’t mean to hurt anyone, and that he was just trying to protect himself from trouble: “I didn’t know what their weaponry was, what their intensions were. In a situation like that, you assume the worst-case scenario if you’re going to protect your family from a possible home invasion and murder.” Many feel that Davis’ sentence was too harsh, particularly in light of reports that Davis had repeatedly been harassed in the past by other teenagers.
Others say that the girls should also have been punished for trespassing. The police, however, ultimately decided that the incident didn’t arise to the level of trespassing because the girls “had not gone far enough onto the property and no clearly visible signs had been posted.”
The moral of the story is, of course, clear - that house is totally haunted. I mean, it got a poor girl paralyzed, and a crazy dude thrown in jail. Seriously, if you’re ever in Columbus, Ohio, stay away from Spooky House.
Adios Alberto!
Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez finally took the hint, and he’s resigned. Good riddance.
Smell ya’ later Al.
The booze is big. The driving is big. The getting arrested for drunk driving is not big.
Austin Nichols, who played the titular character in HBO’s now-cancelled “John from Cincinnati” was arrested last week for Hollywood’s latest fad, a DUI. Word has it that he caught the suspicion of the po-po when his vehicle was seen driving the incorrect way down a one-way street.
When asked for an explanation of why he was drinking, one imagines Nichols said: “My show was cancelled, so I was drowning my sorrows.” When asked for an explanation of what the hell Milch meant by his enigma of a show, one imagines that Nichols just shrugged and said that he suspects that Milch, too, was hitting the bottle quite heavily.
I mean, seriously, that show wound up making about half-a-lick of sense.
Oh, and here’s some mugshot goodness for you, with Nichols apparently thinking he’s still playing the role of John, based on the goofy smirk:
The “Stupid Drunk Scholarship” Goes To….
In Indiana, Purdue University has entered into a settlement with the parents of Wade Steffey. Steffey, a freshman at the school, had been at a frat party on January 13. He later tried to get into a dorm building, because he had left his coat in a friend’s room. After it’s believed he was unable to open several doors, Steffey found a door that did open. Unfortunately for Steffey, this door led to a high-voltage utility room, and he was electrocuted.
Purdue agreed to give his parent half-a-million dollars, and to start a $100,000 scholarship endowment. Which would be the aforementioned “Stupid Drunk Scholarship.” I realize it’s unfair to automatically assume he was drunk, but (a) the story goes out of its way to mention that Steffey was last seen at a frat party and (b) you don’t get electrocuted just by walking into a high-voltage room — you gotta do something pretty stupid when you get in there. The kind of stupid thing one does when they’re drunk. You know, a “oooo — look at the purty wires” kind of thing.
Punches Fly
Seth and I will be out in Vegas this weekend for our annual fantasy football draft. You can mock us when we return. Until then, if you’ve never seen the inner workings of a fantasy football draft up close and personal, it is not too unlike what happens in the Bolivian Parliament when they’re trying to get a law passed. And if you want to know what that looks like, simply check out this video.
After blows were exchanged the the fighting died down, you’ll be happy to know that the bill they were pushing was passed.
Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
Two days ago, we brought you news that Amanda Monti had officially surpassed Lorena Bobbitt in the genital mutilation department, after she so rudely yanked out her ex-boyfriend’s testicle and attempted to eat it. At a party, no less!
Well, one woman in Moscow doesn’t like to be shown up:
A woman set fire to her ex-husband’s penis as he sat naked watching television and drinking vodka, Moscow police said Wednesday.
Asked if the man would make a full recovery, a police spokeswoman said it was “difficult to predict.”
The attack climaxed three years of acrimonious enforced co-habitation. The couple divorced three years ago but continued to share a small flat, something common in Russia where property costs are very high.
“It was monstrously painful,” the wounded ex-husband told Tvoi Den newspaper. “I was burning like a torch. I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”
And he was even drinking vodka … don’t you love it when Russian stereotypes are fulfilled by a man whose penis burns like a torch?
(Thanks for the tip, Jennifer)
The Daily Memo - 8/24/07
QuizLaw - now approved for judges. (Blawg Review)
Didja’ hear that Karl Rove is being sued for wrongful termination? The thought of Rovey getting sued makes me giggle like a school girl. (CBS News)
Man alive, things are not sounding good for Jabba the Judge. (Review Journal)
A New Jersey man has filed a lawsuit because his coworkers allegedly laced his pizza with LSD. I dunno about you, but if I worked in Jersey, I’d probably be begging for a drug-laced slice. (WNBC)
Over on the other side of the pond, a coroner’s office is suing the police because — get this — it’s “traumatic” to have to investigate gruesome unnatural deaths. And after all, why should the coroner’s office have to deal with such things? (The Sun)
“The U.S. Department of Homeland Security says the nation’s chicken houses could be added to the list of potential terrorism targets.” (NBC4)
Last Tuesday, the director of South Carolina’s prisons “defended a policy of punishing inmates who perform sex acts by dressing them in pink.” (Guardian Unlimited)
A New Jersey judge has been sued over the way he reacted when he found his Maserati with a scratch on it. (Law.com)
A blogger has been sued for $15 million for writing a less-than-positive review of a book. (Slashdot)
I’m not crazy, I’m just … oh, well, maybe I am just a touch nuts
Over in Australia, Stephen John Peterson hasn’t been having many g’days (…sorry, I couldn’t help it!). Ten years ago, he assaulted a 62-year-old man at a train station. However, he wound up accepting a plea of not guilty of “wounding with intent to murder” by reason of being mentally insane. Which sounds like a relatively good outcome, all things considered.
But Peterson would beg to differ.
He’s been representing himself in an appeal of this ruling, and his reason for seeking this appeal is fan-tastic. He says he was on drugs at the time of his original guilty plea, and that the drugs are the only reason he accepted his lawyer’s advice to plead not guilty by reason of being mentally ill. And that would be totally fine and normal and dandy, but here’s the kicker:
He also said that despite three psychiatrists agreeing he was mentally ill at the time of the attack, the judge in his Campbelltown District Court trial, Joseph Ford, QC, erred by not consulting with a number of higher beings such as the “sun god” who he said had incited him to assault Mr Lowry.
That’s right folks, it’s the old “I’m not crazy and furthermore, I can’t believe you didn’t talk to the Sun God before declaring me crazy” defense.
The shame of it is, now he can’t even use the bank as a reference
Etni Ortiz is our favorite kind of criminal — the kind that lives in Florida. Last December, Senor Ortiz robbed a Bank of America. When he left the bank, one of the hidden dye backs exploded all over Ortiz and his things. So he dropped the exploded dye pack and some of the stained money outside the bank and carried on his way.
Nine days later, Ortiz held up a second bank, getting away with some more cash. His spree came to an end the following month after he was arrested while driving a stolen SUV. But the reason the cops knew specifically to be on the lookout for Ortiz?
Turns out that at the first robbery, Ortiz didn’t just leave behind some dye-stained money — he also left a copy of his resume and photos of himself!
Last week he was sentenced to over 8 years in the clink, after having previously pled guilty to two counts of bank robbery and a count of transporting a stolen vehicle.
Why does someone take their resume with them when they rob a bank, you ask? And that’s a perfectly valid question because in Florida, there are no stupid questions. Only stupid criminals.
U.S. vs. Iran?
Robert Greenwald, one of the foremost agitprop documentaries on the left, who was responsible for the brilliant (if you’re liberal) doc, Wal-Mart: The High Cost of a Low Price and Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch’s War on Journalism, among others, has put together this dandy of a video, strongly suggesting that Fox News is pushing us into a war with Iran.
I thought it was enlightening, anyway.
Whoever Holds the Conch Gets to Speak.
There’s a television show debuting this fall on CBS called “Kid Nation.” The show basically involves leaving 40 kids, ages 8 - 15, out in a New Mexico ghost town for 40 days, allowing them little or no contact with their parents. The idea, I suppose, is that the producers are trying to create some sort of Lord of the Flies government until the group’s Piggy is killed by a rock a producer left in front of another kid, who the producers just force-fed half a gallon of Tequiza and told that Piggy stole his slingshot and raped his mom. Or something like that.
Anyway, what’s interesting about the show (because, God knows, the show itself won’t actually be) are the contracts that CBS insists the parents sign, lest their child be expelled from the show. Of course, these contracts are standard for adults in reality shows, but here CBS is making the kids (and their parents) solely responsible for “’emotional distress, illness, sexually transmitted diseases, H.I.V. and pregnancy’” that might occur if the child “chooses to enter into an intimate relationship of any nature with another participant or any other person.” Neither can CBS be held liable for the death, injury, or inadequate medical care of the children.
So, what the hell is it that these kids will be doing for 40 days? Well, whatever it is, we may never know the true back story. Not only are these kids (and their parents) forced to sign a confidentiality agreement, which runs for three years after the end of the show’s run (the entire show, not just a season) under penalty of $5 million, but the kids also sign away their life stories “in perpetuity and throughout the universe.”
And what do the kids get in exchange for giving up their right to sue if’n an 11-year-old knocks up nine-year-old Sally and beats her for eating his Trix? $5,000 for finishing the series. $20,000 if they win. And if a kid leaves at any time during the show, they get nada.
The Daily Memo - 8/23/07
Turns out that the government is a big loser when it comes to video game laws. (WSJ Law Blog)
If you’ve got a minimum of $4.6 billion, the FCC has some spectrum for you! (Slashdot)
Who knew? Turns out that lawyers can’t take over $14,000 from their clients without doing any work. (WLBZ2)
A man has pled guilty “to his role in an elaborate multistate insurance fraud scheme, in which he and his wife collected hundreds of thousands of dollars in payments after intentionally eating glass in restaurants, hotels and grocery stores.” (MSNBC)
Well if you’re gonna be a drunk driver, at least be an amusing one
Last week, Justin Callahan was driving his black truck on the highway, cutting off other drivers and flipping them the bird. He also chased after a driver and tried to run another off the road. He was eventually pulled over by the cops, who suspected he might be drinking (an open bottle of Wild Turkey found his truck certainly helped give that suspicion some legs). When they asked Callahan how much he had to drink, however, he threw down the gauntlet: “You figure it out.” He then refused to take a Breathalyzer or field sobriety test, which of course got him an immediate arrest and DUI charge.
Once he was put into the back of the squad car, he did his best to amuse the officers with various drunk statements. First, choosing to ignore the fact that he had just been arrested by a man in a cop uniform, he asked an officer what he did for a living. Later, he told the officer that he thought he was in Rochester, New York (you’ll be shocked to know that he was actually in Tampa, Florida). And lastly, he claimed: “I built this city.” I don’t know what this was in reference to, but I can only hope it was a reference to the wonderful Jefferson Airplane song:
Meth Heads are a Special Kind of Crazy
In Eugene, Oregon, members of the police vice narcotics unit went into Gary Puckett’s apartment because he was suspected of being a meth dealer. Puckett was handcuffed and seated on his couch, and one detective was writing him a citation for meth possession and endangering a minor (there was a 15-year-old-girl in the pad). Other detectives, wearing latex gloves, were meandering about the apartment conducting a search.
That’s when James Lewis Wilkinson came into Puckett’s apartment, looking to score some meth. Ignoring the weird latex-gloved men, Wilkinson asked the ‘cuffed Puckett: “Can you hook me up? I really need a 30.” (Meaning a $30 bag.) Puckett said “I don’t think I can help you,” but Wilkinson was insistent. So one of the detectives decided to step into the situation by pointing to the badge hanging around his neck (oh yeah — all the detectives had their badges hanging in plain sight) and asking Wilkinson: “How does this shard look?” (“Shards” being small bits of meth.)
When Wilkinson was then told he was under arrest, he apparently said “no I’m not. I’m leaving,” and tried to run off. Needless to say, he didn’t get very far and he was quickly arrested. The cops also managed to arrest a dude who wondered into Puckett’s apartment with seven meth bags and when he saw the detectives — at least he recognized that the guys were detectives – he stuffed the meth bags into his mouth. And a fourth man was arrested when he showed up to the apartment with an illegal butterfly knife (which he intended to use to threaten Wilkinson, as he didn’t want Wilkinson sealing drugs to his girlfriend anymore).
The article says: “After that, police stopped answering the door.” Why the hell would they do that? I’d think they’d set up shop in the apartment for days and simply wait for all the crazies to come in and get themselves arrested.
Lorenna Bobbitt, Step Aside …
Holy Lord. Fellas, there’s officially a fear more terrifying than having your penis lopped off and thrown to the side of the road (where it can be found and re-attached). A 24-year-old lady in England has one-upped the Bobbitt. I mean, she knocked it the fuck out of the park.
Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at the end of a house party, Liverpool Crown Court heard.
She pulled off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out. A friend handed it back to Mr Jones saying: “That’s yours.”
She tried to swallow it?!
Wait. Wait. Let’s back up. Let’s look at this from the beginning. So, Amanda and Geoff had some sort of “open relationship” but they broke it off on fairly good terms. Then they went a friend’s house for drinks. There was an argument. And then, as Mr. Jones, said: She grabbed his genitals and pulled hard.
I guess she did.
“That caused my underpants to come off and I found I was completely naked and in excruciating pain.” The court heard that a friend saw Monti put Mr Jones’s testicle into her mouth and try to swallow it. She choked and spat it back into her hand before the friend grabbed it and gave it back to Mr Jones. Doctors were unable to re-attach the organ.
I think I may have just fainted.
(Thanks, Edith, for the head’s up).
QuizLaw’s Hairstyle of the Day
You know the old trick (highlighted in shitty sitcoms): A man gets in a minor fender bender, sees opportunity for a quick buck, fakes injury, falls out of car writhing in fake agony, and shows up to court a few weeks later with a brace around his neck and a $50,000 bill for emotional pain and suffering, as well as a $100,000 bill for bogus medical expenses.
Well, one woman has taken the scenario to the extreme. Indeed, around 4 a.m. on Sunday, a car driven by three woman collided with a police cruiser. Shava Shirlee-Sophia Powell was in another car at the time but — watching floating money signs dance in her eyes — she took that opportunity to jump out, hop into the crashed Toyota, and fake an injury, claiming her back was hurt when paramedics arrived.
At the hospital, after doctors found no evidence of injury, the woman attempted to flee when police were called in. Alas, she was foiled when the driver of the car reported that Powell had merely jumped in with the hopes of suing the police department.
If she wanted to bring a lawsuit, though, she might have considered filing one against her hairdresser. Damn.
The Daily Memo - 8/22/07
“Ex-wife attempted to hire hitman to kill ex-husband - court rules ex-husband must still pay spousal support.” (Wills, Trusts & Estates Prof Blog)
“A cottage owner in Germany tried to ward off burglars by leaving canned foods on her doorstep, but robbers found the offerings so tasty that they broke into the house to get second helpings.” (Reuters)
A “twisted made-for-TV movie” involving an optometrist left at the alter in Vegas and his follow-up assassination of the runaway bride in a Minnesota hotel room. (JS Online)
Huck a water balloon, get arrested for elevated aggravated assault. (Sun Journal)
Well who wouldn’t want a Supreme Court coloring book? (Above the Law)
Four Supreme advocates provide a lengthy discussion of what the first full term of the Roberts Court means. (Law.com)
But we still don’t know if Goofy actually is a dog, do we?
From the entertaining Gary Varvel (an editorial cartoonist for the Indy Star) comes this imagining of Michael Vick’s less-than-dream jury:
(Hat tip to Professor Bainbridge.)
Well if he loses his judgeship in Ohio, he could always move to Florida
Out in Ohio, Judge John Plough has his hands full. He’s currently being “looked at” by the Ohio Supreme Court because of a long list of complaints sent to the state Supremes by another local judge. This judge says that Plough is “making a mockery of justice” by trying to bully unrepresented criminal defendants into entering guilty pleas, by not keeping good court records, and by ignoring the right of defendants to a speedy trial.
And now Plough has gotten himself some more bad press for throwing assistant public defender Brian Jones into the clink because Jones wasn’t ready to take a case to trial. This is the second time he’s tossed a PD in the clink for not being ready for trial, and Plough also threatened the same punishment twice last year.
Dennis Lager, the chief public defender for the county, says that Plough basically expects these lawyers to be ready to take their cases to trial after just one or two days of being assigned to the cases. And this is a problem since, you know, public defenders (like all lawyers) “have an ethical and legal duty to represent our clients competently and effectively.” And things have gotten so bad that Lager’s office’s “standing policy is to insist on jury trials in Plough’s court because of the belief that Plough will not be fair to defendants if he hears the trials without a jury.”
You know, these pesky public defenders just want it all, don’t they? Folks complain that Plough doesn’t respect defendants’ Constitutional right to a speedy trial. So he tries to hurry these cases along and what does he get for his good efforts? More grief. Asked for comment, Plough said, “I know what Rodney Dangerfield felt like man — I don’t get no respect up here. Now where are some more criminals I can fuck over?”
Does this barn have any mood lighting?
Sadly, there have been too many stories about sex with animals here on QuizLaw. One such story is too many, in my book. And yet, here were are again. The subject of this particular story is 63-year-old Arthur Lawton, of Tacoma, Washington. He works in a barn, where witnesses claim they saw him getting it on with one of the goats. Lawton, meanwhile, simply claims he was trying to milk the goat.
It would seem that Lawton is the second person to be charged with animal cruelty under the state’s relatively new bestiality law (a law which was enacted in response to — yikes — “the fatal injury to a man having sex with a horse”). The other man charged under this law was acquitted. What’s more perplexing about that guy’s story in comparison to Mr. Lawton’s (beyond the fact that he was schtupping an animal, of course), was that he was charged with having sex with a pit bull!
I can’t even begin to fathom the mindset of those who seek out the animal love. But I can say that, were I to suddenly to explore the world of Animal Kingdom nookie, I surely wouldn’t go after ferocious beasts that could chomp off my little boy with one bite. Of course, that’s a more general rule of life I established in response to the LA night scene, but it applies equally here.
Damn, It Feels Good to be a Gangsta
What is that joke? Something about how if the apocalypse came, the only life remaining on Earth would be cockroaches and lawyers? Well, I’m pretty goddamn sure the lawyers would figure out a way for the cockroaches to file suits against one another because, damn, there’s always gonna be work for lawyers. And for our legal brethren out there worrying about a lack of billable hours in your future, four states are now considering legislation that would probably create enough new litigation to warrant the opening of another 1,000 law firms.
Indeed, California, Vermont, New York, and Washington state are all considering various forms of legislation that would allow employees to sue their bosses for, basically, being jerks. Apparently, bad bosses are a growing trend, so it’s only natural that state legislatures create abusive work environment bills — because what we really need is another avenue for frivolous lawsuits.
A lot of bosses suck. There are a billion bad boss stories. Some bosses are pricks because it works. Some are pricks just to be pricks. Some are very nice, but completely inept and incompetent. You know what you do about bad bosses? You deal. Or you quit. Or better yet, you tell your boss to jump up your ass and then you quit. Keep the goddamn lawyers out of it, because — in essence — you’re just trading one prick for another.
A Dingo Ate My Baby
Sometimes, I wonder if people even listen to what the hell is coming out of their mouths. Like, Stacey Campfield, who is “just an average guy” that also happens to be responsible for passing legislation in the great state of Tennessee (and I’ll refrain from the use of [sic] lest this post be littered with them):
Does anyone besides me see the hypocrisy of some on the left who go nuts about Michael Vick and the whole dog fighting thing and yet are the same people who don’t care about the loss of human life caused by illegal aliens or are the same people who fight for the right to kill unborn babies?
I hear the battle cry of: “It is my body, it is my property, I can do with it what I want” from the pro aborts, but the opposite cry from the same person against a person who’s property is a dog. Do they respect the life of a dog more then they respect the life of a human?
My friend Lee Frank made a comment to me after the radio show “Lets talk Frank” I was on this afternoon. He said … ‘If Terry Schiavo was a dolphin or a dog (or a wale) she would still be alive today.” I found it hard to disagree.I started to think: How many dogs have been killed in dog fights versus how many babies have been killed in abortion clinics or by illegal immigrants. I bet dog deaths pale by comparison. But what do we see on TV every day on about every news channel?
Dog fighting is cruel and inhumane. But if Vick could have figured out a way to pit two unborn babies against each other in a fight to the death, maybe we’d outlaw killing children as quickly as we rushed to enhance penalties for crimes involving our pets.
First of all, what the fuck is a “wale” and why would being one make it any more likely that a brain-dead coma patient would be alive today? And second of all, is this dude actually suggesting that illegal immigrants kill babies?
And man alive, how awesome would it be if someone could figure out how to pit unborn babies against each other in a fight to the death … in a muddy pen on rural farm in backwoods America? I think Palahniuk has his next novel.
The Daily Memo - 8/21/07
Blawg Review #122 would probably be my favorite one yet, at least from a design and presentation approach, but for the fact that I don’t see Professor Seth or Professor Dustin. (preaching to the perverted)
A former New York Giant, wide receiver Mark Ingram, has been arrested and accused with stealing a purse … he’s also been accused of sucking because all New York Giants suck (“E-A-G-L-E-S, Eagles!”). (SI)
Down under, a nine-year-old alcoholic who’s been on a two-year crime spree has been tossed into the clink. (The Sydney Morning Herald)
“The mayor of a town in northern Italy is offering overweight residents a cash incentive to slim down.” (BBC News)
Carl Malamud is “a self-styled Robin Hood for the Internet age” who is trying to get more court opinions available online for free, much to the likely chagrin of Papa Westlaw and Mama Lexis. (WSJ Law Blog)
The “DVD Jon of coupon-clipping” has got a DMCA lawsuit all his own, over instructions to get around the copy protection of downloadable coupons. (Wired)
Robots in court. (Engadget)
A court has asked a mother embroiled in a custody battle to stop breastfeeding at the request of the child’s father, who’s concerned about medication the mother is on. (WCCO)
Chung Chung!
The formula is what makes it so comfortable, right?
(From the always wonderful indexed.)
Well at least he had his priorities in check
Last week, a dude down in the OC got busted for a DUI. Sheriff’s deputies noticed his car driving a bit unusually and tried to pull him over. This, naturally, led to a chase. At one point the unnamed driver even tried to run the deputies down. When that failed, he decided to jump out of the car and take them on a foot chase.
The thing of it is, you surely don’t want to lose your buzz while running from the cops, right? So this drunk made the smart play and took a beer with him!
“There was a 12-pack of Corona he was working on in the front seat,” Orange County sheriff’s Cmdr. Jeff Stonebreaker said. “He decided to take one of those over the fence with him. So, he bails out of the car and runs from the deputies with a beer in his hand.”
Shockingly, he didn’t get away from the deputies, and was promptly arrested and charged with DUI (not his first) and aggravated assault. And while we don’t know the cat’s name, we do have this wonderful image to remember him by forever:
Dustin, please explain your home state
Regular readers know that my QuizLaw partner-in-crime, Dustin, hails from the wonderful state of Arkansas. So maybe he can shed some light on how the brilliant legislators managed to pass a law allowing children of any age — including infants — to marry with their parents consent. Seems that the state legislature was planning to setup 18 as the minimum age for folks to marry (makes sense), but also wanted to allow pregnant teenagers to get married if their parents sign off.
But, whoopsy, a superfluous “not” wandered its way into the legislation:
In order for a person who is younger than eighteen (18) years of age and who is not pregnant to obtain a marriage license, the person must provide the county clerk with evidence of parental consent to the marriage.”
So yeah, pregnant teenagers are the only ones who can’t get married under this bill. Nice.
Now to be fair, yes, this is simply the case of a word wrongfully being stuffed into the law. But that just proves that Arkansas’ legislature, much like our wonderful federal representatives, choose not to bother carefully reading the legislation they’re voting on. Nice.
[It’s not that they didn’t read it carefully, it’s that Arkansans can’t read at all. We’re too busy impregnating grade schoolers to learn. But the real question is: Can you marry your cousin if she’s a pregnant minor? — DR]
“If I Have My Period, I Can Go in There”
Have you ever heard of Jimmy Justice? He’s some sort of petty-crime vigilante, I suppose. He carries a video-camera around with him, waits for cops to break traffic laws, and then he confronts them about it because, he says, “writing summonses is not about public safety; it’s about revenue.”
You can apparently find a lot of his handiwork over on YouTube, mostly involving cop cars double parking, making illegal U-turns, or parking in no-parking zones. The clips are pretty entertaining, despite the fact that Jimmy Justice is also quite the dick. Here’s one of the better ones, in which Jimmy takes a traffic enforcement officer to task for blocking a fire hydrant, while a fire is in progress:
And here’s another, where a traffic cop says she’s allowed to park illegally if she’s … er … if it’s her time of the month.
Ain’t No Crazy Like Ron Paul Crazy …
About six weeks ago over on Pajiba, we ran a poll asking who — at that time — most of our readers would vote for President if the election were held that day. The early results were mostly expected: Al Gore held a commanding lead, with something like 45 percent of the vote, and Obama was a distance second, with somewhere around 25 percent of the vote. However, there were a few votes for Libertarian freaktard Ron Paul, who would probably win the election in a landslide if voting were limited to the Internet.
Anyway, after about 1000 votes, people had moved on from the comment diversion to something new, probably a debate about whether it is acceptable to refer to a broken metronome as retarded or if it’s OK to taunt Rosie O’Donnell with cupcakes. But I started to notice traffic coming into the site from strange places and, a few weeks later, I went back and checked the poll. And, sure enough: Ron Paul has taken over the lead now with nearly 40 percent of the vote.
It’s because Paul-ites are dedicated. And bored beyond belief, especially to think that anyone would give a shit about the results of a six-week-old political poll on a goddamn pop-culture site.
Anyway, I offer all that as a not-so-amusing introduction to this far more entertaining clip from the old Morton Downey, Jr. show, which you may recall was sort of Geraldo, Donahue, and Springer all rolled up into one. Take a gander at Paul back during his first bid for President of the Libertarian Party, in 1988, here calling a kid a little overweight, which is exactly how he somehow managed to win the hearts of crazies everywhere:
The Daily Memo - 8/20/07
A Federal court has denied the website Suicide Girl’s (kinda NSFW) request for a preliminary injunction against the site God’s Girls (depending on what banner image shows up, definitely NSFW). (43(B)log)
“In unprecedented order, FISA Court requires Bush Administration to respond to ACLU’s request that that secret court orders be released to the public.” (ACLU)
The ACLU also won a ruling that a couple arrested at a Bush rally for wearing anti-Bush shirts must be paid eighty grand by the federal government. (Boston.com)
A Chicago alderman has proposed a 10 to 25 cent tax on bottled water, because the city needs some cash. (Daily Southtown)
The Department of Justice wants to put together a detailed official list of every porn star. (The NY Post)
The messy lawsuit between sci-fi author Harlan Ellison and Fantagraphics Books has been settled. (Fantagraphics News)
Whole Foods has been given the judicial OK to buy Wild Oats, despite the FTC’s protestations. (FindLaw)
American Airlines has sued Google over keyword-ads which use protected trademarks. (Technology & Marketing Law Blog)
Nobody puts Baby on a t-shirt
Nobody is going to try to claim that Dirty Dancing is great art. Actually, that’s not true — I’m sure that there are totally folks who would try to argue this. Nobody should, that’s my point. However, it is responsible for the rather well known line “nobody puts Baby in a corner.” Delivered in the flick by Patrick Swayze, in the way only Swayze can, the quote has become a favorite of many in my generation, and managed to sneak onto AFI’s list of the top 100 movie quotes as entrant number 98. So it comes as no surprise that there are many places where you can buy clothes and other items with the quote on it.
Although it’s now come as a surprise to some of those retailers that Lionsgate, the film studio behind the flick, isn’t such a fan of the unlicensed merchandise. Last Wednesday the studio filed a trademark infringement lawsuit against 15 companies and retail websites, all of which allegedly sell merchandise with the popular quote without properly licensing the phrase. Lionsgate is seeking permanent injunctions and, of course, moolah.
It’s also trying to find out where Dirty Dancing star Jennifer Grey’s original nose is, and is seeking its return as well.
Lord of the Flies
CBS has a slightly controversial reality show slated for its new fall schedule, “Kid Nation.” In a nutshell, the network created a real world Lord of the Flies-type situation, dumping 40 kids (between the ages of 8 and 15) into a New Mexico ghost town without any adults. The kids spent a month-and-a-half there, trying to create a functioning society without any adults their big grown-up hands in the way. And while the show has yet to air, the legal issues are starting up.
First, the mother of Divad Miles (a participant on the show) has filed a complaint with the state of New Mexico, alleging that Divad’s experience was abusive and neglectful. The letter cites an incident where Divad burnt her hand with hot grease, and another incident where some of the kids accidentally drank bleach. To Divad’s mother, I pose this question: “Please explain how, exactly, letting your kid run off to compete on a reality show where they’re stuffed into a labor camp for 40 days isn’t abuse and neglect on your part?” I love the modern trend of parents shifting the blame off on everyone else.
The second issue CBS has to deal with, however, is a bit more serious and less about blame just being tossed around. Romaine Serna, who works for the New Mexico Children, Youth and Families Department, says that CBS almost surely violated state laws, especially considering the fact that her department was never contacted by CBS when any of the alleged abusive incidents took place. CBS, of course, says the state knew what the deal was and that a state labor department inspector even made unannounced trips to the set. But a state spokesman says that the inspector wasn’t actually allowed on set when they showed up. CBS ignores this point, but also says that it called the state attorney general’s office and was never told that it wasn’t in compliance with the law. Which, actually, is just more blame-shifting: “Well, they didn’t tell us we were breaking the law, so it’s all their fault!”
Admittedly, I know very little about this beyond what’s in the New York Times piece, but I’d certainly wager that CBS broke some laws with regard to all of this. And they know it. But they also knew this show would be controversial and two simple equations ruled the day on this one:
Controversy = Ratings = Ad Revenue
and
Ad Revenue > Legal Fees
Gotta love Hollywood.
God Save the Queen
Over in London, a British cop found himself in court and facing criminal charges over a sexual dalliance. Massoud Khan had found a lady friend on an internet site catered to uniformed professionals. Khan and his gal pal wound up getting it on in a room at the Gatwick Airport police station, and this is what led to his criminal trial. I guess his superiors didn’t like the fact that he was scrumping while on duty.
But get this - he was acquitted of any criminal wrongdoing because during the whole sexual encounter, he was always ready to respond to any emergency:
The jury quickly came to a unanimous verdict as the policeman proved he was able to respond to all emergencies as he was equipped with an earpiece tuned in to the police radio frequency.
“If there was a call for me, I would have answered it and I would have dealt with it,” he told the court, according to the Times newspaper.
Lightweight!
You’d expect, after watching this video, to hear that the shit-faced Kentucky-based flight attendant involved was way over the legal intoxication limit. Nope. She’s a .03, which is even below the legal limit of .04 for flying. Girl just can’t hold her alcohol.
Money line:
Police dispatcher: Do you require immediate medical attention?
Flight attendant: Yes.
Dispatcher: What for?
Flight attendant: Because I’m thinking about punching some people.
Batman and Identity Robbin
Y’all remember our friend Jonathan Lee Riches? The man who, a few weeks back, sued Mike Vick for $63 quintillion (backed by silver and gold and delivered by UPS) for, among other allegations, stealing his pit bulls and selling them on EBay to finance missile purchases from Iran? Yeah, that guy.
Well, he’s back. And now Riches (a.k.a. “The White Suge Knight”) has got a bigger and better lawsuit (his 17th) filed against an even more unpopular athlete, Barry Bonds. The hand scrawled complaint, entitled “Fraud Against Mankind; Batman and Identity Robbin” makes these allegations, among many others: Social Security fraud, illegal moonshining, terrorism, and the violation of 8 Constitutional amendments. Apparently, riches thought suing for $63 quintillion was a bit much, so now he’s asking for a mere 42 million in Swiss Francs (to be paid with a money order).
Riches also claims that Bonds and MLB Commission Bud Selig have been conspiring together to raise television ratings for baseball and he alleges that Selig has been supplying Bonds with steroids under the supervision of Sammy Sosa (of course). Allegedly, both Robert Novak and Judith Miller have transcripts. Hmmm.
Moreover, Bonds broke the home run record by, allegedly, using Hank Aaron’s corked bat. He also apparently “bench pressed” Riches “against my will,” sold “steroids to nuns,” and “used his bat to crack the liberty bell.” And my favorite allegation: Bonds gave mustard gas to Saddam Hussein as part of the oil for food scandal.
Wow. I mean: Wow.
The Daily Memo - 8/17/07
In England, it turns out you might just get fined for wearing a shirt that reads: “Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.” (BBC News)
A judge in Ohio tells jury members not to watch the “CSI” or “Law & Order” shows, and not just because they suck. (Law.com)
Family Ties! “The son of a millionaire business guru accused of staging his own shooting during a family dispute testified that his father had threatened to ‘ruin’ him.” (LawInfo)
Well that’s dandy - the Feds are planning to pull “$200 million in funding from a troubled [Los Angeles] hospital that serves one of the city’s poorest neighborhoods, forcing it to all but shut down.” (Forbes)
Folks aren’t respecting the Chicago ban on holding cell phones while driving - shocking! (Chicago Sun-Times)
An Indiana man was pissed off about his property tax bill, so he paid the whole thing — over twelve grand — with one dollar bills and bags of change. (Yahoo! News)
A federal judge has ruled that a student is never capable of consenting to sex with their teacher as they do “not have the capacity to welcome that teacher’s physical sexual conduct.” (Law.com)
Sharper Image says it’ll go bankrupt if it’s forced to settle a $900 million class action lawsuit. (The Legal Reader)
The Violent Femmes’ bassist has sued the group’s lead singer over songwriting credit. (WSJ Law Blog)
Aybe-may Ee-hay Ould-shay Ent-Ray “The Ire-Way.”
Down in Australia, Jeffrey Ismail has pleaded guilty “to two charges of using a mobile phone to menace, harass or offend on the day of” some reprisal gang riots. Ismail is the leader of a gang and on the