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There Are No Coincidences

owen_wilson_the_royal_tenenbaums_001.jpgIt looks like every goddamn gossip blog in the known universe is reporting today that Owen Wilson — known as the Butterscotch Stallion on Defamer and a lot of other blogs who stole the line from Defamer — attempted suicide and is currently being hospitalized before being detoxed. When I heard the news, I was dumbfounded, mostly because I knew his career is going fairly well (You, Me, and Dupree notwithstanding) — he’s got another Wes Anderson flick coming about this fall (and the kids love the quirky Anderson movies), and he’s got four other films in various stages of production, all of which look very promising. What would compel the man to try to take his own life? It just didn’t make any sense to me.

And then it clicked. As Seth reported exclusively in Georgia font, Alberto Gonzales resigned this morning. It all makes sense now. Owen was a closet-Republican, whose fondness for the GOP rivaled that of his Butterscotch predilections. Word must have leaked early in certain celebrity circles (everyone knows that the Hollywood elite are the Republicans beards) and Wilson must’ve taken the news awfully hard, triggering his suicide attempt.

Hang in there, Owen. Keep your chin up, buddy. We understand that Michael Chertoff may be in line for the position. Stay strong.

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Comments

Holy smoke! I've just been sourced on a blog! Where's my show on CNN?