Monthly Archives: July 2008
Bar Exam Quote of the Day …
I apologize to Lat, but I had to steal this from his comments section, which may be one of the most apt things I’ve ever read.
I’ve gone to both harvard and yale, and i must say this to every douchebag that wore a YALE or HARVARD shirt to BOTH days of the ny bar: seriously, you’re pathetic. i’m surprised you didn’t break out the cravath swag.
if i had to see one more giant blue YALE hoodie i was going to vomit and call dick levin myself and have him revoke all your god damned degrees.
and to the 25 guys wearing harvard university bright red shorts: you’re already fat. your asses just look like giant crimson targets in that shit. retch.
Otherwise, congrats to all those who are finally finished with the damn thing. At least until February. And to any of you who came out of the exam high-fiving, exclaiming, “That was easy!” Well: You’re doing it wrong, buddy. I don’t care who you are or what school you went to or how much you studied, if you thought the bar was easy, then you’re too fucking dumb to recognize everything you missed. And if you were doing it to overcompensate for your own inadequacy: Pull your head out of your ass. No one’s buying it.
You Be the Judge
Do the images above jibe with the Kerry camp’s description of them?
As Sen. Kerry and two friends left dinner at the Straight Warf restaurant on Nantucket and walked down the dock, a large group on a boat recognized Senator Kerry and asked if they could have a photo taken. The group came off the boat and onto the dock, took a photo with Sen. Kerry and his friends, and then Sen. Kerry and his two friends immediately walked away. End of story,
If anything, the “immediately walked away” part seems a little incongruous. And where are his “two friends.” Maybe they immediately walked away.
Who’s got two thumbs and a mugshot?
(God bless you, The Smoking Gun, forever and ever.)
The Daily Memo - 7/31/08
Suck it Rove. (TPMMuckracker)
Aw man … we were that close to some good Ninth Circuit shenanigans at Monday’s Judicial Conference cocktail party. (Law.com)
Big, fat, angry producer Harvey Weinstein testified that Tim Gun was a paid a big, fat, angry $0 for his first season on “Project Runway.” (Defamer)
That fucking hippie Barney Frank is pushing for the Feds to stop busting folks carrying weed for their own tokey tokey. (CNN)
Many lawyers jump ship only to ask for a rope. (Law.com)
Department of Energy … Standford’s high-energy physics lab … fight! (SFGate)
If Obama is Britney Spears, I Guess that Makes McCain Flo from “Alice”
In other words: An old, half-crazy, irrelevant little bitch who is grasping at straws.
Classy McCain. Real fucking classy. Kiss my grits, Johnny Apeshit.
“Can I get a raise in my allowance?”
Things got interesting during a recent pizza restaurant heist down in Texas. See, a clerk struck the robber, “knocking him out and knocking off his wig and sunglasses.” And that’s when another clerk realized that the robber was her father.
The Denton Record-Chronicle reported that Stephanie Martinez didn’t know her parents and husband planned to rob the Pizza Patron where she works in the 100 block of East University Drive.
Martinez told NBC 5 the robbery surprised her as much as anyone else.
“I know people might think I had something to do with it, but trust me, it was as shocking as it was for other people,” she said.
Rappers or Republicans?
That game’s hard, son.
Well who could’ve seen this coming?
Up in Northern California, these three guys met some gals in a park. The women told the men they were looking for some fun, so the group wandered over to a nearby motel, where the guys got a room. Once there, the men took off their clothes, ready for a good time.
That good time came in the form of four men storming the room and jacking the three chumps for about $800. And the kicker:
One of the victims ran from the motel room early Thursday, leading to 911 calls about a nude man in the area.
Which makes me think of Frank the Tank which, in turn, makes me giggle. Good times.
I Had No Idea Jon Voight Rode the Crazy Train!
Who knew? I’d always pegged Voight as a grumpier version of Christopher Walken, which is to say, harmlessly batty. Turns out, he’s kind of evil. And paranoid, or so an op-ed piece he wrote for The Washington Times suggests. Here’s a taste:
We, as parents, are well aware of the importance of our teachers who teach and program our children. We also know how important it is for our children to play with good-thinking children growing up.
What the hell is a good-thinking child? And can I find the school where teachers program children, cause I’d like to program mine to stop watching Elmo. It could also come in handy, later, when I could get them to program him into being the shortstop for the Boston Red Sox.
Here’s some more crazy:
The Democratic Party, in its quest for power, has managed a propaganda campaign with subliminal messages, creating a God-like figure in a man who falls short in every way. It seems to me that if Mr. Obama wins the presidential election, then Messrs. Farrakhan, Wright, Ayers and Pfleger will gain power for their need to demoralize this country and help create a socialist America.
The Democrats have targeted young people, knowing how easy it is to bring forth whatever is needed to program their minds. I know this process well.
Those subliminal messages must be working if Voight thinks he’s a God-like figure. I just thought he was handsome and well-spoken. And there he goes again with the mind-control. What’s up, Voight? You’ve been watching too much “X-Files,” old man. Step away from the batshit, grandpa.
Hmph. I don’t think I’m going to watch Anaconda anymore. Nah — who am I kidding? Not even a shit-stirring, Academy-Award winning wingnut clown could keep me away from Anaconda. He strangled Kari Wuhr to death with his thighs! What an awesome old coot!
Those Wily HMOs
Out in Oregon, the state-run health plan has figured out a novel way to help cut down on expenses. Kill the patient! It seems that, in some cases, the health plan won’t cover expensive medical treatments, but it will cover physician assisted suicide. Why? Probably cause it’s cheap.
The conflict came to light in a recent report in The Register-Guard of Eugene. The newspaper described the sad plight of Barbara Wagner, a 64-year-old Springfield woman with lung cancer.
After her oncologist prescribed a cancer drug that would cost $4,000 a month, the newspaper reported, “Wagner was notified that the Oregon Health Plan wouldn’t cover the treatment, but that it would cover palliative, or comfort, care, including, if she chose, doctor-assisted suicide.”
That presents an unacceptable conflict. The state health program should not be in the position of denying chemotherapy to terminally ill patients while offering to pay the cost of helping them die.
I don’t see a conflict here! I just see a creative solution to curing this woman from cancer. It’s like my old man used to say whenever I told him my head hurt: “Well cut that thing off, boy.” It would’ve been so much cheaper than a lifetime’s worth of aspirin.
Great News, Gay and Lesbian Texans!
Soon, you’ll be able to travel outside of your queer-hating hometown and visit the gay-friendly state of Massachusetts, order yourself up one of them marriage licenses, and get legally hitched to your same-flavored partner. You can even visit a replica of the Mayflower on your honeymoon ($12 admission). By a whopping vote of 1 billion to 3, the Massachusetts State Legislature voted to repeal an archaic 1913 law which banned marriages not considered legal in the couple’s home state. The governor, whose daughter just revealed that she’s a lesbian, has said he’ll sign to repeal the measure.
Now, if I can just get Massachusetts to recognize mixed-sex polygamy, the wife and I can finally legally invite Ryan Reynolds (pictured) into our marriage (currently, he’s illegally living in the lair below our house — and those chains were his idea, not ours. No, really).
The Daily Memo - 7/30/08
Earthquake + “Judge Judy” = best episode of the show ever. (LA Metblogs)
The value of an LLM degree? The paper it’s written on. (Above the Law)
One of the Supremes’ last cases of the term is getting a little after-the-fact love. (Slate)
A lawyer’s been banned from a floor of an Atlanta courtroom because of his “racist and disrespectful behavior to court staff.” (Law.com)
Seems a former Philly news anchor likes himself some hacked co-anchor e-mails. (Above the Law)
The DC Circuit has opened to door to a block of the Whole Foods-Wild Oats merger. (WSJ Law Blog)
Well at least their babies won’t be getting any diaper rash
Recently, Spanish police seized a shit load of cocaine in various drug busts — well over 100 kilos of the white powder. As they were done with whatever they needed to use the evidence for, the cops were getting ready to destroy the seized drugs and, per their usual policy, they conducted a final substance analysis. Which, as a spokesman explained it, “revealed that the substance was not drugs but a harmless material resembling the drug, like talcum powder.”
Yeah. Ninety-five percent of the coke stash, with an estimated black market value of about $8 million) was stolen and replaced with powder. Unsurprisingly, they think it was an inside job either by regular visitors or even some cops.
What the hell kind of ramshackle operation are they running over in Madrid, where somebody can make off with 100 keys of coke no problem, replacing them all with powder? I mean, Jesus.
Shake shake shake … shake shake shake … shake your booty!
So as many of you likely know, we had ourselves a little ol’ earthquake here in Southern California yesterday. I was at work at the time, and it actually felt a bit bigger than it was (not that a 5.4 is nothing), since all the big high-rises are built on rollers or shock absorbers, so they shake or jostle a bit more than normal buildings (it’s better than falling down, you see). Anyway, we got to see several East Coast summer associates pop their earthquake cherry, so that was nice.
And while we were all standing around the doorways waiting for any aftershocks, we realized that this was a real pisser for those folks taking the Cali bar, especially since there’s a big test site in Ontario, CA, only about 10 miles away from the epicenter. While she was further away from the quake than that, three elle commented yesterday with her earthquake experience and it seemed worthy of its own entry. So here ya’ go:
I was at the Century City exam. No evacuations. In fact, nothing exciting happened in my room, except the earthquake itself, and I’m a seasoned earthquake veteran. Apparently, in one of the other rooms, little parts of the ceiling/chandelier fell, and freaked some people out (especially the out of state kids who had never been in an earthquake). There are even stories of at least one person sitting there, typing, with tears rolling down her cheeks.
Anyways, I felt it was my duty to give ya’ll an eyewitness account of the mayhem.
One down, two days to go!
Thanks for the update, and good lock to all of y’all still suffering through the joy of the bar exam.
Next stop, crazy town
Eighteen-year-old James Harris is fucking weird. Apparently, he made friends with several transit employees because he is, as an assistant director for Miami bus operations describes him, “a real transit freak.” He used this friendship to get an actual bus driver uniform and then in early June, he took advantage of owning this uniform:
On June 1st, wearing an employee’s hat low over his face and a pair of sunglasses, Harris was able to bypass security at a transit depot and steal a bus.
Harris, dressed in his smart-looking uniform, then spent the next few hours driving the bus down its actual route, picking up passengers along the way. He collected fares, drove the speed limit, and dropped passengers off at their stops.
At the end of his “shift,” Harris returned the undamaged bus to the depot. Police have no indication that he kept any of the fares. Nor did any of his passengers complain.
The teen was later caught and charged with burglary and grand theft.
But this takes place in Florida, and the story, so far, just doesn’t reach the heights of Florida-worthy bizarre. But the fact that Harris did this again, two weeks after being released on bail? Yeah, that gets us there. This time, he took the bus on a thirty mile trip, and it’s unclear whether he picked up fares this time. But it is clear, thanks to a security camera, that at one point Harris pulled the bus over to the side of a road and hopped out to make out with another man. While the cops eventually found the bus, Harris had vanished like a fart in the wind and hasn’t been heard from or seen since.
The assistant director for bus operations says that Harris is “totally dreaming at this point — he’s fantasizing he’s a bus operation, he wants to be one so bad.” Which of course begs the question, why go through all this rather than just applying to be a bus driver? The answer, of course, is that things in Florida don’t go from A to B to C. They go from A to Purple to Steak.
(Hat tip to the Blawg Review’s anonymous editor.)
Suck it, cops!
Back in April, I wrote about a Portland cop who was being taken to traffic court by a private citizen because he parked in a “no parking” zone while picking up some take-out Chinese food. Reader Allison C. wrote in to let us know that there’s an update to the story as the traffic court judge has said that Officer Stensgaard isn’t above the law, and he’ll have to pay a $35 fine like the rest of us:
Lawyers for [Officer] Stensgaard argued he was justified in parking outside the restaurant because his patrol car contained guns and expensive equipment that could be dangerous if it fell into the wrong hands. But the judge ruled that while he felt the officer had acted reasonably, the parking laws apply to everyone. Including cops.
And check out this picture of the attorney who brought the citizen’s claim against Stensgaard using diagrams to bring the po-lice down:
R U 4 Real?
Jimmy Baskets! What the hell kind of lobbyists are forcing this law to be pushed by state reps in Illinois?
The Illinois General Assembly bill, also known as HB 4520, was introduced in January by Rep. Ken Dunkin (D- Chicago), who then insisted: “This legislation is not laughable. On the surface it’s like, ‘Oh wow, what is this?’ But it’s becoming more and more of a common problem with people haplessly crossing an intersection and almost killing themselves.”
Under the proposed law, Illinois residents would get slapped with a misdemeanor and a $25 fine if caught using a cell phone or other wireless device while traversing streets.
I don’t understand why lawmakers just don’t allow natural selection to sort it all out. We can save on the costs of water, too, by simply washing streets with the blood of the dead. The hundreds of thousands who will undoubtedly fall prey to the business end of a Prius if this law is not passed.
Personally, I think they ought to make it illegal to drunk text, if only for my own sake. True story: Three years ago, having never texted before, I made my virgin attempt while in Vegas, drunk. It was a new phone, so I had only three numbers on it. I later learned that the number I texted, unfortunately, was not my wife. My roofer, however, will always believe that I am madly in love with him.
I have two questions…
One, did the shirt work? Two, if he did get out, did he go to Park Place or Baltic Avenue?
(From The Smoking Gun, of course.)
The Daily Memo - 7/29/08
ATL has posted blurbs from the finalists in the running to be the site’s new editor, and please dear god, just don’t let it be “Arnie Becker,” who sounds square as a fucking Rubik’s Cube … not that any of the rest are particularly enticing. (Above the Law)
Is John McCain starting “to aggressively court the white vote?” (The Huffington Post)
The D.C. Circuit has ruled that sex disorders are covered by federal anti-discrimination laws. (Law.com)
A new report says that Monica Goodling illegally influenced the Justice Department’s hiring policy. Classy broad. (LawInfo)
That lawyer who sued the newspaper for making cutbacks after he had renewed his subscription has dropped his pro se suit. (WSJ Law Blog)
Seems that Bank of America fucked up and let an identity thief make off with forty grand of some poor schlub’s cash. (Consumerist)
“…I can shoot it if I want.”
When the “it” is your lawn mower, it turns out you cannot. Milwaukee’s Keith Walendowski has been arrested and charged with illegal possession of a sawed-off shotgun and disorderly conduct. It all stems from a morning of drinking after which Walendowski tried to start up his lawn mower. When the thing wouldn’t start:
“I got pissed because my lawn mower wouldn’t start, so I got my shotgun and shot it.
“I can do that. It’s my lawn mower and my yard, so I can shoot it if I want,” Walendowski told police.
Since that’s not quite the case, he was arrested and now faces up to six years in the clink.
The article ends with an amusing aside:
Dick Wagner of Wagner’s Garden Mart, 6075 N. Green Bay Ave.in Glendale, said shooting the mower didn’t help Walendowski’s odds of getting it repaired.
“Anything not factory recommended would void the warranty,” he said.
So a shotgun blast to the mower isn’t factory recommended? They really should put that shit in the manual.
(Hat tip to reader Byron P.)
It’s like Heath Ledger is still with us
Twenty-year-old Spencer Taylor has been arrested and charged with larceny and malicious destruction of property for trying to steal movie posters and other The Dark Knight-related things from a movie theater while wearing an ever-so-clever disguise:
If You Can’t Say Anything Nice, Don’t Say Anything At All
You just stop me when I say something that’s not nice: Columnist Robert Novak has been diagnosed with a brain tumor, only days after he ran over a homeless man in his sports car and drove away (a bicyclist flagged him down to tell him he had a homeless man on the windshield of his car).
Novak will be suspending his journalistic work while he treats the cancer.
I would never wish brain cancer on anyone. But if I were forced to pick and choose …
Good Luck, Bar Takers
It’s a special day for the country’s future lawyers — over the next two to three days, thousands of recent law graduates will take the bar exam. Most will pass, some will not. Somewhere, in some state, at least one person will freak the fuck out during the exam. That person will then become part of bar exam lore, an anecdote passed down from bar taker to bar taker to make them feel better about their chances.
My wife is one of those bar takers, today. It’s been a rough two months in our household, compounded by a move and a one-year old kid, who has had to suffer with his father as the main caretaker for the last eight weeks. Poor kid is lucky to get out of it alive. And pass or fail, one thing is certain: By 4 p.m., tomorrow, it’ll all be over. Dinners that entail conversations about the elements of battery, the late night cramming, and the frequent melt-downs and freak-outs will finally be over. The Bar-Bri books will no longer litter my house with their foul greenness. And, more importantly for my wife and all the bar-takers out there in QuizLaw land: You can finally forget everything you ever learned in law school and studying for the bar, and get down to the business of being a lawyer.
Oliver Stone: Where Politics and Cinema Intersect
Here’s the trailer for Oliver Stone’s upcoming flick on George Bush’s younger years, W. I’m sure it’s full of rumor, innuendo, hyperbole, and all sorts of made up shit. But, I can’t wait to see it.
McCain 2008: Like Hope, But Different
The best campaign video in months. Fo shiz.
Here I Go Again On My Own … Woopsie
If you decide to drive away while your wife is on your car, make sure she’s on the hood and wearing a white-see through dress and heels.
A Long Island man has been charged with driving from home drunk with his wife on the roof of their car, throwing her to the ground and seriously injuring her.Suffolk County police said Diamond Mircea was fighting with his wife, Monica Mircea, at their Islip Terrace home around 12:30 Sunday morning. They said he jumped into the car and she climbed onto the car’s roof to try to stop him.
Police said the husband drove one block before his wife fell to the street and hit her head.
The wife is hospitalized in critical condition.
The husband has been charged with vehicular assault and driving while intoxicated. He’s been jailed pending arraignment Monday.
Tawny Kitaen to Injured Woman: “What a P*ssy!”
Waiting on love … sweet charity!
I Was Gonna Live In a Van Down by the River, but Buying a House was Cheaper
Crazy-ass statistic of the day:
Average house prices in Detroit: $19,448.
Average price of a car: $22,650.
Too bad the houses don’t have wheels; if you could move them half an hour away to Ann Arbor, the value would multiply by 12.
If I were Michael Bay, I might consider buying the entire city of Detroit and blowing it up — it’d be a cool special effect, and it’d be cheaper than CGI.
(H/T Galley Slaves)
The Daily Memo - 7/28/08
Wait — so a summer associate makes out with a partner and the punishment is that two other summer associates who make out with each other are fired? Law firm life — gotta love it! (Above the Law)
Blawg Review #140 is celebrating the 14th Amendment. (Simple Justice)
Could there be a mistrial in the Bratz trial because a juror was booted for being making ethnic slurs? (WSJ Law Blog)
Oh yeah, I forgot that Phil Spector had a wonderful retrial coming up. (LawInfo)
Trans fat is on its way out of California. (LAist)
The FCC has approved the XM/Sirius merger… (Washington Post)
…And it’s also ready to punish Comcast. (Yahoo! News)
Loose, footloose, kick off your Sunday shoes….
An 18-year-old Wisconsin man was recently arrested for dancing. In a roundabout way.
Seems that Jeffery G. Holm Jr. was at a local city festival and was getting his groove on. Thing is, Holm’s dancing was terrible. A security officer at the festival noticed the bad dancing, and it was apparently so bad that he decided Holm must have been either high as s kite or drunk as a skunk. So the security guy pointed Holm out to some local cops, who approached Holm. Holm stunk like weed, which led to a search, which led to the cops finding some weed and a pipe on Holm, which led to an arrest, and so the story goes.
The best part about this story, however, is that it didn’t just happen to take place anywhere in Wisconsin. No sir, it took place in Sheboygan. Mother fuck, I will never get tired of that city’s name.
Mmmm … tastes like shitty legislation
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Enforcement of Intellectual Property Rights Act of 2008. This piece of shit was introduced into the Senate last week, and it combines pieces of two prior IP bills, the PRO-IP Act and the PIRATE Act. In a nutshell:
The law would increase penalties for counterfeiting, empower federal prosecutors to bring civil suits against copyright infringers, create a federal copyright czar to coordinate IP enforcement, and provide for the seizure of property used to violate copyrights and trademarks.
This bill is full of bad things. The “copyright czar” is some person who will coordinate various federal agencies to bring private copyright infringement actions and, as a commentor on Slashdot put it, will basically do the RIAA’s job for them. ArsTechnica explains some of the other bad things about this legislation:
Some of the strongest criticism of PRO-IP has been directed at a provision, replicated here, that would allow for the seizure of “property used, or intended to be used, in any manner or part to commit or facilitate” a copyright or trademark infringement. While this language is presumably meant to target the equipment used by commercial bootlegging operations, it would also appear to cover, for example, the computer used to BitTorrent a movie or album.
The new bill also incorporates the idea at the core of the PIRATE Act, by permitting federal prosecutors to bring civil suits against copyright infringers. (While these suits would not preclude action by the copyright owner, any restitution to the owner under a government suit would be subtracted from the damages that could be obtained by private action.) Since 1997, prosecutors have had the authority to bring criminal copyright charges against large-scale infringers. But that power remains little-used, in part because of the high evidentiary burden prosecutors must meet in criminal cases; civil suits employ a less stringent “preponderance of the evidence” standard.
Fox News = White House Mouthpiece? Shocking!
Actually, as Keith says, even though we all kinda knew this, knowing it is a little shocking anyways.
Mmmm … tastes like chicken
Ryan Halverson was arrested for public intoxication. He was hauled off to the local clink by police Sgt. Jay Newton. Newton was taking things out of Halverson’s pockets to book him, when the clearly still drunk Halverson leaned over and licked Newton’s cheek. He apparently liked the taste, as he reached in for a second lick, which Newton dodged.
And now, poor drunken Halverson is not just facing that public intoxication charge, but a charge of assault on an officer.
The licking could be serious, [police chief Jeff] Pynes said, because it could spread various diseases to the officer.
“We want people to like our officers, but not to lick them,” Pynes said.
Since the incident Newton has been talking a lot of ribbing from fellow officers, Pynes said.
“He’s been getting a lot of lollypops in his internal mail,” the chief said.
I get the idea that licking “could be serious.” But charging the guy with assaulting officer? Really?
(Hat tip to reader Jen E.)
The Return of Science Fridays
True, this has nothing to do with the law whatsoever. But I’m going to once again amble into the realm of science because this video is just that fucking cool. Seeing the moon pass over the Earth’s sky is nothing new of course. But seeing it from 31 million miles away? Well, that’s something…
And By the “Natural State,” Of Course They Mean Naturally Racist
Yikes. Arkansas is pulling an entire series of license plates after some dumbass didn’t realize that, well, the initials “NGR” have a certain je ne sais quoi about them (or, as we’d say down in Arkansas, “Jean Said Queef? Huh?”)
Hundreds of these license plates are apparently being pulled because some people are just sooooo sensitive (*eyeroll*). A tiny little racial epithet and the whole state gets bent out of whack. Sheesh. It’s not like plates said “HIK” on them.
Oh, Arkansas. Bless your heart. It’s not your fault you’re so dumb. If I weren’t afraid your homophobic ass wouldn’t shoot me in the face, I’d give you a hug just to make you feel better.
Autism is “A Brat Who Hasn’t Been Told to Cut the Act Out” (Old News, New to Me)
Woah. No. That’s where you’re wrong, Michael Savage. However, your entire radio shtick sounds like a douchebag that hasn’t been told to cut the act out. The tide is turning, though. The advertisers are running. The half-hearted apologies ring empty. And the protesters are growing in numbers.
One week, I’m guessing, before he gets Imused.
What a dick. I hope he gets gangrene of the face and is forced to amputate.
The Daily Memo - 7/25/08
The Governator is planning to lower some state workers’ pay to the federal minimum wage in order to get some money in the state coffers. (LA Metblogs)
Oh Sienna, your Millers have been put out there for all the world to see. Let us enjoy them in lawsuit-free peace and harmony, won’t you? (The Superficial)
“The evolution of law firm lunch.” (Law.com)
No worries, W, I love whatever you wants me to love. (Legal Antics)
One North Carolina newspaper reader has had enough and he ain’t taking it no more. (Supreme Dicta)
Rudi Guiliani’s son is suing Duke to get back on the school’s golf team after being kicked off for a bunch of alleged minor infractions. (WSJ Law Blog)
Dude, man, seriously … don’t bogart the Gerbers
Fucking Texas man. Can’t the teenagers just shoot off guns like good red-blooded, uhm, other Texans? Not if they’re 18-year-old Demetris McCoy, apparently. This wonderful specimen of southern pride has pleaded guilty to two charges of injury to a child and he’s agreed to testify against his co-defendant.
What’s all the hubub about, you ask? Oh, just some stupid little video.
The video shows one teen lighting a marijuana cigarette in the 2-year-old’s mouth, then laughing as the toddler coughs. One teen then tells him to pass it to his brother, who also smokes it and coughs. Parts of the video showed someone calling the children “potheads” and asking if they “have the munchies.”
Drug tests showed the youngsters had marijuana and cocaine in their bodies. When the video was made, the children’s mother was sleeping in another room, police have said. She was not arrested.
The children, their mother, grandmother and McCoy lived together at the time. The children have since been placed in foster care.
I mean. Jesus. Hot boxing some kittens is one thing — that’s just a fun college Thursday night. But toking up toddlers? That’s some Florida shit, sir.
“All roads lead to Gonzales”
The wonderful Dahlia Lithwich and some of her cohorts over at Slate have put together everyone’s favorite diagram — the venn diagram — to break down “who in the Bush Administration broke the law, and who could be prosecuted.” As they explain:
We have tried to sketch out a map of who did what and when, with links to the evidence that is public and notes about what we may learn from investigations that are still pending.
Click on the cute diagram to head over to Slate, where you’ll find that the whole sucker is interactive, with links a-plenty to click on:
Touch my monkey. Love my monkey. But don’t discriminate against my monkey!
A southwest Missouri woman has sued Wal-Mart, local health officials and Cox Health Systems, claiming they discriminated against her and her monkey named Richard.
Debby Rose of Springfield said in the lawsuit that the 10-year-old bonnet macaque helps curb a social anxiety disorder that can cause her to have panic attacks in public.
The suit contends the Springfield-Greene County Health Department lacked the authority to decide that Richard is not a service animal under the Americans with Disabilities Act.
Health officials in 2006 sent letters to restaurants and grocery stores, advising them not to let Rose in with the monkey. (Source)
Worst. Prank. Ever!
Two practical jokers are behind bars for setting their passed-out drinking buddy’s crotch ablaze while boozing in Grover Beach. Matthew Craig Pillers and Jack Brent Nicholas Keiffer pleaded no contest to a felony great bodily injury charge.
Prosecutors say the 22-year-old Pillers, a parolee, was sentenced to two years in prison and the 19-year-old Keiffer got 45 days in San Luis Obispo County jail.
Elliot Tuleja was passed out when the men poured cologne on the man’s groin and set him on fire on Jan. 18. Tuleja had second-degree burns on his testicles.
30 years! Life sentence! Death penalty! Kill them twice!
You oughtn’t touch a man’s business. Especially with fire.
The Law is the Law. No Excuses!
When is it not OK to leave a parking ticket on a car parked in a restricted zone? When the driver is dead. Sitting in the driver’s seat.
An elderly man was found dead late Tuesday in a parked car that had been ticketed earlier in the day on a street in an unincorporated industrial area near Pico Rivera.
A maintenance worker from the shop who went to investigate said a parking ticket on the car was marked as being written about 11 a.m., said Chantelle Amaya, assistant manager at L.A. Freightliner. “The poor man was out there all day,” Amaya said.
Nobody knows, really, if the man was actually in the car when the ticket was given, but it’s absolutely not being ruled out. The more intriguing part of the story, however, was a reference to a similar incident in Los Angeles last December:
In December, an elderly woman was found in the front passenger seat of a crumpled car in a San Fernando Valley tow yard. The woman had been left in the car for a day after paramedics removed her son from the same vehicle after a crash.
Woah. That’s an oversight.
Honestly, It Was Probably Worth It
How good is The Dark Knight? Good enough to leave your baby in the car to attend a screening:
A dad was booked into jail under suspicion of second-degree child abuse after leaving his son in his car while he watched the midnight showing of “The Dark Knight.” David Farnham, 23, of Salt Lake City left his 2-year-old son inside his car in the parking lot of the Century 16 Theaters on Saturday night.
An onlooker walking by the car at 1:22 a.m. on Sunday saw the baby inside the vehicle crying and sweating profusely, said detective Gary Keller with the South Salt Lake City Police Department.
Farnham rolled the windows up in the car “so the child could not be taken out,” according to a jail booking statement. The temperature inside the vehicle was 87 degrees, the statement added.
Farnham was located inside of the theater and the boy was taken out of the car. The boy was thirsty, but otherwise in good condition, Keller said.
See, dude. This is why God invented duct tape. That way, you can leave the little fella at home, comfortable in the knowledge that he’s not getting into trouble or, you know, revealing your douchebaggery to passers-by.
The Daily Memo - 7/24/08
Sounds like the XM-Sirius merger is going to come down to one FCC commissioner. (Gizmodo)
Fiddy Cent is suing Taco Bell. (WSJ Law Blog)
The 11th Circuit says that the Florida law requiring students to get parental permission to avoid reciting the pledge of allegiance is a-ok, although it’s unconstitutional to make folks stand. (Law.com)
A judge has told the tree-hugging hippies in Berkley to get bent — a new sports center is coming to town! (LawInfo)
Bedroom law. (Concurring Opinions)
Didja know the federal minimum wage is going up 70 cents today? Me neither. But that’s good news. Now tack another four bucks on that sucker, get it over $10, and we’ll be somewhere. (CNN)
But where does Kaos like to dance?
Down in New Zealand, a family court has ordered a kid to be placed under guardianship of the court solely because of her name. The judge said that the name “makes a fool of the child and sets her up with a social disability and handicap.”
The names wasn’t Spiral Cicada, Kaos, Hitler or Cinderella Beauty Blossom. Those names, apparently, are ok to register.
But Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii?
That’s just fucking ridiculous.
…All kidding aside, of course it’s fucking ridiculous. And good on the judge for stepping in and stopping these parents from being asshats. Now, if he could go back and fix that Kaos and Hitler business, he’ll be making some progress.
If they fired folks for this at my firm, I’d up-and-quit in a fucking heartbeat
This has been a relatively disappointing summer, at least from the perspective of summer associate shenanigans. Usually by this point there’s been at least one good summer debacle that’s been e-mailed nationwide. But this year, nada.
Then comes this story — seems that at a recent event for a Minneapolis firm, two female summer associates got drunk and made out. And they were fucking fired for it. There are claims that this was simply the last straw in a “pattern” of poor decision making all summer long (since when is two girls kissing considered “poor” decision making?), while other claims say the firing was solely for the Kiss, while still other claims say these two gals were warned that very day about avoiding drunken shenanigans yet decided to make out anyways.
What. the fuck. ever. I’ve seen some serious over-the-top drunken shenanigans by summer associates, and I’ve only seen someone get fired mid-summer once, way back in the day, and it was legitimately called for — dude bitch slapped a female summer associate. But two chicks making out a little? Jesus Christ, half the girls Dustin and I knew in law school would’ve had their careers ended before they even began if this is were the fucking standard. Which reminds me, if you ever have the “pleasure” of drinking with Dustin or I, ask us about one night in our third year when there was a certain kissing contest going on. We each have separate, but quite amusing, stories from that night.
Did you know that Obama Quest is underway?
Well it is — the legend has begun. And his plane apparently farts flowers, don’t you know:
Assault with a Deadly Peanut?
Yeah. That’s the headline.
Robyn Lee, 23, of Corryville, was charged with aggravated assault after being accused of trying to cram a peanut in the mouth of her allergic neighbor Saturday evening. Lee appeared in court Monday on the peanut charge and a related criminal damaging charge.
According to police and court records, Lee was riding in a car with a neighbor, Shenna Ferguson, just after 6 p.m., when she allegedly tried to put the peanut in Ferguson’s mouth.
“I told her to stop because I was very (allergic) to peanuts,” Ferguson wrote in an affidavit. “She laughed.”
It gets you thinking, doesn’t it? I mean, what if The Dark Knight had a peanut allergy. It’d be like his kryptonite, you know? Supervillians would just pelt him with peanuts. Or slather him with peanut butter and leave him to die. The next movie’s villain could be PB&J, a hyper-maniacal evildoer with a peanut butter fetish. Or Sesame Street’s Mumford: “Ala Peanut Butter sandwiches!”
Yeah. I’m grasping at straws. But it does allow me to present this video nugget of awesome:
John Edwards Has a Mistress (Slow News Day)
Man, didn’t the Democratic National Convention used to take place the last week of July? If it still were, we wouldn’t be forced to resort to tabloids for news for the next few weeks. But, such is the case, and why not? Who doesn’t like made-up shit? Indeed, The National Enquirer, the New York Times of gossip rags, is reporting that John Edwards was spied walking out of the hotel room at 3 a.m. this morning after visiting his mistress and love child. That’s apparently his mistress above, Rielle Hunter. A real cutie, huh?
A months-long NATIONAL ENQUIRER investigation had yielded information that Rielle and Edwards, 54, had arranged to secretly meet afterward and for the ex-senator to spend some time with both his mistress and the love child who he refuses to publicly acknowledge as his own.
The NATIONAL ENQUIRER broke the story of Edwards’ love child scandal last year, when Rielle was still pregnant and Edwards was still considered a strong candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination.
Both parties denied the NATIONAL ENQUIRER report and a close friend of Edwards’ came forward and said he was the father of Rielle’s baby. But sources told the NATIONAL ENQUIRER a far different story - they revealed that Edwards was engineering a massive cover up of his shocking infidelity.
Here’s why I don’t believe the story: 1) Edwards wouldn’t do that to his wife, and 2) Edwards is a stud. If he were also a cad, he could do a helluva lot better than that woman.
Riddle Me This, Huckster?
Why is this news? George Bush is a dumbass, no doubt. But, for once, he’s candid and truthful about Wall Street and the problems with the economy, uses a decent analogy that he actually understands, and for some reason, it’s making national news because he didn’t realize a camera was on?
Dude should speak more when the camera is “off.” He makes a lot more goddamn sense. I really don’t understand where the supposed controversy lies.
Holy Insane, Batman. Mel Gibson’s Dad is a Nutter
… and like all nutters, he’s supporting Ron Paul for president of the United States.
Hey, Hutton: Welcome to July. He dropped out, jackhole. He’s not a candidate. Go sell your crazy somewhere else, like the bottom of an acid vat, you Nazi-loving scum-sucking anal vein.
The Daily Memo - 7/23/08
Reporting from the “law-firm-client smackdown” news front…. (WSJ Law Blog)
Come on Congress — credit cards make college kids’ lives better. (The Huffington Post)
The California courts continue to hate on employees. (Law.com)
With the state of shit today, maybe it’s not such a bad idea to wrap your head around how FDIC insurance works. (WT&E Prof Blog)
The 8th Circuit has ruled on a crazy law school exam-type case about babies switched at birth back in 1946. (WSJ Law Blog)
Well at least you know he doesn’t have a hidden weapon. Unless …
What do cops expect to happen when they pull a car over for a routine traffic stop at eight in the morning?
If they’re in Buffalo, apparently they should expect the driver to hop out of the car, strip down to his undies, and take off into the morning glow. Lovely.
What? I’m-a just-a method actor? …Vaffanculo!
A real-life mobster in Italy has been arrested after he was spotted playing a Godfather-style killer in a Mafia movie.
Film fan Giovani Venosa was cast in a key part for the movie, Gomorra.
But inmates in a Naples jail tipped off police after recognising him when TV showed clips of the movie.
Oh ironic prick, thy name is this guy
Troy King is the AG of Alabama and, apparently, has been a vocal gay-basher for years, including an attempt to flat-out ban homosexuality. So it should come as a surprise to nobody that King “was apparently found by his wife in their bed having sex with a male aide.”
Although the reports are still rumors, there are some details that make the affair seem almost too juicy to be true. For example, the aide with whom Troy King is supposedly the affair was the prom king at Troy University. Some point the finger at Alabama Governor Bob Riley for starting the rumor. This makes sense seeing as Troy King is a potential gubernatorial candidate.
Reader Craig C., who passed the story along to us, had this to say about the lovely Mr. King:
What makes this personally satisfying is that a couple of years ago, this guy issued an opinion to the State Comptroller that essentially overruled an Alabama Supreme Court opinion and cost every attorney who does indigent defense work in the state a big bundle of money by essentially decreasing our fees by 30%.
Prove a Point Somewhere Else, Assholes
Hey! Guess what!
When you go to the zoo, you expect to see monkeys, ducks in a pond. You don’t usually expect to see visitors with handguns.
But you would have, had you visited Zoo Boise Saturday morning.
About 10 members of the local chapter of OpenCarry.org, a national group that advocates for citizens’ rights to openly carry handguns, met there.
After a little confusion at the front desk about whether it’s legal to bring an unconcealed handgun into the zoo - it is - the group bought tickets and sauntered through the front gates like all the other visitors.
That they were no different from all the other visitors was the point the group members were trying to make.
Look, dumbasses. You wanna make a point about handguns laws, do it somewhere that’s not heavily populated with children. Just because you can carry a concealed firearm in front of a bunch of 8-year-olds gawking at monkeys doesn’t mean you should. There’s a better time and place for that bullshit. Like a roller rink, where you can fall on your ass and inadvertently discharge your openly concealed handgun into your ass.
Guess Whose Fault those $4 a Gallon Gas Prices Is?
If you guessed Barack Obama, you win a lollipop.
Indeed, according to John McCain’s new campaign ad, apparently Barack Obama is singularly responsible for the current state of gas prices. Because that’s just how powerful a one-term Senator from Illinois is. And, I suppose, the converse is that John McCain, who has been in the Senate since Alexander the Great ruled the Earth, still doesn’t have the power to prevent Obama from single-handedly raising gas prices, which he does by going to every gas station in America and manually changing the price on the pumps. Because he’s not just the first black major party candidate, he’s also the oil world’s Santa Claus.
Stupidity Prevails in Florida. Again.
A man walks into a bank. Says he has a .45 caliber pistol. Hands a note to the teller requesting cash. The teller hands it over. The man flees.
A little later, he repeats the process in another bank.
Shortly thereafter, the man is arrested.
For one, his getaway car was a taxi cab.
And second: The notes he handed to tellers demanding cash were written on the back of his own personal checks.
The Daily Memo - 7/22/08
For some reason, I plum forgot to do a Daily Memo yesterday, so I’ve got links a-plenty for you today….
Fuck dude — I want my firm to rent a monkey for a summer associate event! (Above the Law)
Things not to do when trying to convince a judge you’re not a drunk — post drunken pictures on your Facebook page. (Concurring Opinions)
The best thing to come out of the stupid laws banning bagging pants? (Supreme Dicta)
In Washington, the smell of weed from a car doesn’t give the cops probable cause to conduct a search. (WSJ Law Blog)
“What’s the worst still-current Supreme Court decision?” (Concurring Opinions)
A German company is being sued by Facebook for running a website purportedly ripping off the social site. (Reuters)
Did the NY Times reject a McCain rebuttal editorial because it’s a biased news rag or because it just doesn’t like McCain’s writing? (Drudge Report)
Nice — the Third Circuit told the FCC to fuck off, throwing out the half-million dollar fine levied against CBS over the old “wardrobe malfunction” debacle. (LawInfo)
Things not to say during a traffic stop? But come on, shit this funny just has to be said. (Legal Antics)
No doubt, Mr. Young Customer. No doubt.
Louis Posner, a NYC tax lawyer, has been tossed into the clink. Turns out that “Big Lou” was the proprietor of Big Daddy Lou’s Hot Lap Dance Club, a 7,000 square-foot loft in Hell’s Kitchen where folks could watch sex shows and porn, get some lines from the “house dealer,” nosh on some free cold-cuts, or drop up to five grand to head into a private room for some sex with a porn star.
Posner’s wife was also busted for running the million-dollar-a-year business with him, as were some of the dancers and club-goers. As the NY Post reports:
“It was f- - -ing awesome!” one disappointed young customer told a reporter after showing up outside the padlocked club last night. “This was the greatest establishment.”
What? Youse didn’t know there’s a punch-surcharge for trips to the airport?
This is fucking priceless. Ron Blount is a Philly cab driver, and a “longtime drivers’ advocate.” He’s currently waiting for a court hearing, scheduled for next month, to face charges of false imprisonment and simple assault. There was also an aggravated assault charge, but that was dropped last month. And these charges all stem from an (alleged) incident that took place between Blount and a cab passenger. …In other words, Blount (allegedly) forced a fare to stay in the cab while he beat him.
What makes this priceless?
This is the guy who was just elected president of the brand new Unified Taxi Workers Alliance! The guy who (allegedly) beats his passengers is now the head of the cab union.
I fucking love Philadelphia.
Might as well jump!
So apparently the Canadian cops (not the mounties though, damn it, just the provincial police) pulled over this car for erratic driving. And son of a bitch if it wasn’t David Lee Roth behind the wheel. But he wasn’t drunk, as you might expect — turns out he was having a severe allergic reaction to some nuts. So the cops did the right thing and rushed Diamond Dave to a nearby hospital where he was fixed up all proper-like. He celebrated his newfound health by taking off to a local bar, showing up with women dressed in scrubs on his arms, and he was in such a good mood that he even hopped on stage with a local band to bang out some “Ice Cream Man,” an oldie-but-goodie Van Halen track.
The thing of it is, at the time, Diamond Dave was actually in NYC performing with Van Halen.
Turns out the dude in Canada was a David Lee Roth impersonator, and the cops were so concerned over his health, they never bothered to check his ID.
Naked man hijacks the QuizLaw Mailbag
Catching up with some old e-mails in the QL mailbag, I found two story links from reader Elizabeth S. that are certainly worthy of some QuizLaw attention. First, there’s the brilliant Connecticut criminal who tried to break into an unmarked police car.
While there were two troopers inside the car.
To be fair, the car apparently had tinted windows so it’s possible that the brilliant criminal just didn’t see that the car was occupied, but that doesn’t make the story any less amusing.
Of course, that’s got nothing on this Las Vegas story:
A naked man was arrested Tuesday morning after hijacking a Citizens Area Transit bus.
Las Vegas police said the man, 35-year-old Charles P. Sell, was first seen stealing a beer at the 7-Eleven on the corner of Lamb Boulevard and Washington Avenue about 8 a.m.
An officer arrived at the scene and the man fled, a police spokesman said.
Sell then climbed onto the back of a moving CAT bus traveling east on Washington, broke one of the back windows with his fists, and climbed in.
He threw the driver off the bus and drove it about 200 yards before jumping off, according to police. An officer climbed aboard and stopped it.
Sell was arrested and taken to a hospital for a mental evaluation before being booked at the Clark County Detention Center on felony charges of robbery, grand larceny and malicious destruction of private property, according to police.
He was being held on $14,000 bail.
Police said the man was possibly on drugs during the incident.
Possibly on drugs? You think?
It’s OK, Little Girl. We’re All Terrified of the President
There’s no better way to start the week, really, than watching George Bush make a little girl cry. Run. Ruuuuuuun, little girl.
You Say Obama, I Say Osama!
Ladies and Gentlemen: The website of State Senator Kevin Bryant from the great state of South Carolina!
Like Bush on Rice
I don’t know what Pravda is, but I assume it’s Russia’s equivalent of The National Enquirer. In any event, I love their spunk! They don’t just make up small, halfway believable lies, they scorch the earth with bullshit. The scuttlebutt this week? George and Laura are getting a divorce. Here are the highlights:
1) “George and Laura Bush were planning a divorce after the presidential election in the USA.”
2) “George and Laura Bush hardly ever speak to each other. George feels very unhappy and does not want Laura to leave him.”
3) “The divorce will be kept a secret until the president retires.”
4) “George W. Bush has been having an affair with US Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice.”
5) “Laura Bush will reportedly be paid $20 million in case she divorces her husband.”
Awesome. Russian Gossip Rules! And so much more entertaining than communist propaganda.
Yeah. It’s a slow news day.
Right-Wing F*ck Nut Enthusiastic about McCain
James Dobson, evangelical freakshow, leader of Focus on the Family and the man who cites Anne Heche as proof that you can rid yourself of homosexuality, has gone apeshit for McCain!
“I never thought I would hear myself saying this,” Dobson said in a radio broadcast to air Monday. “… While I am not endorsing Senator John McCain, the possibility is there that I might.” (Source)
Woah! Hold back there, feller. That enthusiasm is contagious! You show any more passion for McCain people are going to start thinking you’ve gone gay for him.
Oh, and eat an anus, pillbox.
Stunningly amoral lawyer
With a hattip to Alan Childress over at the Legal Profession Blog comes this tale of a lawyer who interested in both sides of an appeal. Which is, you know, kinda wrong:
Civil defendant-client loses suit due to default judgment from Lawyer’s alleged lack of diligence. Client then sues Lawyer for malpractice and also appeals the default. Lawyer then buys out the plaintiff’s interest on appeal (gets an assignment of the interest from the prior plaintiff, for some “undisclosed consideration”). That’s right: buys into the other side of the appeal and, now represented as a litigant by another attorney in his firm, owns the default judgment if it is upheld. On the other side from his barely-former client, in the appeal!
The Court was, unsurprisingly, unimpressed with this scumbag attorney, finding that his shenanigans “violate multiple rules of Professional Conduct as well as the Business and Professions Code.” The Court neglects to mention, however, the serious hutzpah something like this takes, and that should count for something, no?
If I were defending this witness, I’d kiss him!
This deposition transcript comes from a forum posting, so take it with a huge grain of salt, but it’s pretty damn amusing:
Attorney: Remember we still have a trial. There will be some more of it come up then, but no reason to go over it all now. Can’t have it all. You’ll have cut your hair by then, you know.
Witness: You have a thing about my longer hair, don’t you? Are you jealous or what?
(Exhibit No. 25 marked.)
Witness: Well, you’d probably look better if you shaved it. Anyway, go ahead.
Attorney: I know you would be. I know you would look better if you shaved yours.
Witness: Do you really think so?
Attorney: Yeah, I really do.
Witness: That’s amazing. Your wife doesn’t think so.
(Hat tip to Above the Law.)
The kid makes sense to me…
(From yesterday’s FoxTrot strip, published over at GoComics.)
Why Do Bad Songs Always Stick In Your Brain Like Cancer
Oh, gawd. It’s awful. Awful. And the guitar solo? I felt my bowels loosen. Turn it off. Turn it off, man
But it sure has a catchy social message: “Our Constitution, nation, God under attack. That’s why we can’t vote for a Democrat!”
British Man Arrested for Being Baaaaaaaad
It’s one thing to make sweet, sweet love to a farm animal, but when you have to resort to sheep rape, I think a line has been crossed:
A man arrested in relation to violent sex attacks on sheep must not enter any London farmyard areas as part of his bail conditions. The move follows several complaints made to officers about a man molesting sheep in May and June.
Witnesses reported a tall black man sexually assaulting sheep before running off, often leaving clothing at the scene. Two joggers became suspicious when the man was spotted pulling up his trousers as he stood near a sheep that was lying on the ground.
Reports that the suspect took photographs of the animals before the attacks are also being investigated.
Hat Tip to Julia for the link, and the punchline: “She really is very attractive considering.” Agreed. That is a hot piece of sheep ass. But if the sheep rapist doesn’t watch himself, he’s going to learn the hard way how vicious sheep can be:
I Dig San Francisco’s Sense of Humor
The best jokes are the ridiculously elaborate ones that come at taxpayer’s expense:
A San Francisco measure seeking to commemorate President Bush’s years in office by slapping his name on a city sewage plant has qualified for the November ballot.
The measure certified Thursday would rename the Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant the George W. Bush Sewage Plant.
Backers said the idea is to commemorate the mess they claim Bush has left behind by actions such as the war in Iraq.
Local Republicans contend the plan stinks and said they would oppose it.
Get it? Cause Bush was a shitty President! Get it? Get it?
I bet it passes, too. And then those poor schmucks who work there will forever have to tell people they are employed by Bush Sewage.
[Seth here, just to add what I think is the best part of this story — the SF Public Utilities Commission spokesman suggests that they’re against this because the plant is anything but a symbol of inadequacy: “The plant that they’re seeking to rename really offers extraordinary environmental benefits. Without it, raw sewage and storm water would flow into the bay and the oceans and the streets. That’s not our understanding of what the authors of this initiative believe the current president has delivered.” So the folks behind the shit factory don’t even want it to be named after Bush. Hilarious.]
The Daily Memo - 7/18/08
It’s time to start sharing bar exam horror stories to scare all the kiddies getting ready to take their two (or in Cali, three) day trip to hell. (Above the Law)
Four Minnesota men have been indicted for threatening a judge but they don’t care, because only the Almighty Yahweh holds court over them. (Law.com)
Who wouldn’t want to trade in billable hours for a virtual law practice? (Nota Bene)
Mattel has won the first big phase of the Bratz trial. (WSJ Law Blog)
Some headlines speak for themselves
First, there’s this headline about a court in Pulaski, Virginia, which really says all that needs to be said about the situation:
Courthouse with dead opossum almost free of fleas
And then there’s the headline about a 19-year-old in Saratoga Springs:
Judge: Man dressed as penis must apologize
Actually, that second headline doesn’t tell us everything we need to know, but the video of the incident in question sure does:
How do you grade such a competition?
Nine British women took a trip to Zakynthos, a Greek island. They were hanging out at Laganas beach, which has apparently become a wild party area. Up for a good time, these gals were willing to take some money to enter into a competition, which was video recorded for eventual internet posting. But this wasn’t your typical wet t-shirt contest. No ma’am, this was an oral sex competition.
Turns out, however, the Greek authorities aren’t so keen on women being paid to give sexual favors, however, so the nine women were arrested for prostitution, while a dozen men, including the owners of the bar where this went down, were arrested and charged with encouraging the women’s obscene behavior. Which is a bunch of crap, you ask me? I mean, how do they expect to live up to their reputation as holiday party island when they go around arresting people for blow job contests? Amateurs.
It’s like Grand Theft Auto but for real…
So the Detroit police pulled over this unidentified dude for a basic traffic violation. He gave the cops a false name and didn’t have a license but, somehow, they figured out who he actually was. Then they found out that he had outstanding warrants for domestic violence and assault charges, and a repeatedly suspended driver’s license. They confronted the man about these, uhm, issues, and he tried to bribe them: “I’ll give you these $3,500 glasses if you just let me go,” he offered.
Since he was handcuffed and put into the back of a patrol car, one can guess that his offer was declined. Ten minutes later, his family showed up, and the cops were talking to them. Meanwhile, our friendly criminal managed to get his arms to the front of his body, hopped into the front of the cop car, and sped the fuck off. But since his handcuffs were still on, I guess he couldn’t drive so well, because he smashed into several cars, and quickly gave up his driving escapade — so he hopped out of the car and sped off on foot.
A chopper was called in and they eventually found him in a nearby house where he was trying to get the residents to help him out but they weren’t interested. Clearly, the dude didn’t explain the rules of Grand Theft Auto to the family. So he’s got nobody to blame but himself for getting caught.
Name that Crime!
Over on the gossip blog I co-write, I run a regular feature — currently sweeping the nation — called, Name that Ass, in which I present a picture of a celebrity’s buttocks and ask our readers to identity the celebrity. Based on the massive success of Name that Ass (we’re thinking about syndicating, and a few networks have talked to us about translating it for the small screen, but we’re no sell outs!), I’ve decided to present a spin-off for the readers of QuizLaw. The game is fairly simple: I’ll give you a photo, or a series of photos, and you name the crime.
Today’s first edition of Name that Crime! comes from my new home state, Maine, where this 42-year-old man was arrested yesterday. What was his crime?
The answer, after the cut.
A meth lab, which authorities say is capable of producing meth for “the lab owners, a few of their friends, and a handful of customers!”
Thanks for playing!
Thursday in C*nt Punditry!
Today’s brand new edition of C*nt Punditry comes from one of our own comments, which came in response to a post featuring a video of Fred Phelps, Westboro Baptist Fuck, discussing George Carlin’s descent into hell, and our quip that — if Fred Phelps is in heaven — we’d rather be in hell with Carlin. Last night, we received this eloquent comment:
Carlin was an arrogant, foul mouthed, fag loving abortion supporting, Christian hating rebrobate degenrate. He mocked God and now he’s paying for it. Don’t be so flippant about hell - everyone in there right now wishes they hadn’t even been born.
That nugget of wisdom — complete with typos! — comes from Bill Gibbons, a real-life Canadian wingnut! Tell all your friends!
Oh, Andy Keaton!
Why must you prove child-actor stereotypes correct?
The man who played Michael J. Fox’s brother on “Family Ties” when he was a child is due in Boulder court Wednesday, accused of violating his probation after assaulting his girlfriend.
Brian Bonsall, 26, played Andy Keaton on the long-running television show from 1986 to 1989. He also stared as Alexander Rozhenko in “Star Trek: The Next Generation” on seven episodes between 1992 and 1994.
Last year, he was charged with assaulting his girlfriend and was sentenced to probation. Now, he’s accused of violating his probation by failing to pay for domestic-violence classes, missing daily alcohol checks and testing positive for alcohol, according to published reports.
Oh, I understand why you turned out the way you did. Your parents — Steve and Elyse Keaton — were smelly hippies with didn’t believe in discipline or tough love. You should’ve been spanked more as a child, and maybe you wouldn’t have grown up to be such a violent, heathenistic brat.
The Daily Memo - 7/17/08
Has McCain fudged his tax returns by not including gambling wins/losses? (Above the Law)
This is fascinating — the Hague has ordered the US to “take all measures necessary” to get Texas to stop with the planned execution of five Mexicans. (WSJ Law BLog)
Wait — there’s a tax donation available for taxidermy? (WT&E Prof Blog)
California voters will have their chance to vote on gay marriage this fall. (Law.com)
Bankruptcy lawyers want things to get worse, maybe, since there haven’t been enough Chapter 11 filings. (WSJ Law Blog)
Need a model operating agreement for running a group blog? This is a pretty shitty sample, you ask me, but the project behind it seems like a good idea. (Concurring Opinions)
Time for Some Campaignin’
Yes. Yes it is.
Why so serious?
Yeah, I like breasts. And 17-year-old girls have breasts. So sure, maybe I stumbled out of a bar and went up to 17-year-old chick and pulled her tank top and bra down so I could get a look-see. I mean look, can you blame me? First of all, she had great cans. Second of all, I was high as a kite on the weed and the Xanax. Everyone knows weed plus Xanax plus knockers equals good mother fucking times.
I don’t give a shit — arrest me for assaulting a minor. You know why I’m laughing? Cause the joke’s on you! I got to see 17-year-old ta-tas, and all you get to see is this drugged out sorry sack of a former comedian. Ha!
The nice guy finishes last
Steve Kink tried to be a good citizen. He saw a dude bust the window of a cell phone shop, hoping to do a smash-and-grab. Kink went after the robber and although he took a fist to the face, he managed to tackle the guy and pin him down. Other witnesses called the cops who came and arrested the wannabe robber.
A few days later, the cops showed up at Kink’s house to arrest him for assault:
Mr Kink said he is appalled at the way he is being treated. He said: ‘I thought I was doing the right thing by making a bit of a citizen’s arrest. All I did was use reasonable force to hold him down.
‘The officers who turned up appeared grateful at first but now I am facing an assault charge.’
A Woman Somehow Even More Despicable than Perez Hilton
A woman is suing the incredibly intelligent blogger, Perez Hilton, for $25 million, claiming that he violated his own privacy agreement by publishing an email she sent to Perez. The email read, in part:
“Perez you are a fat gay pig. Angelina is a ugly whore. You love her because she’s a fag lover.”
Diane Wargo, a nurse who sent the email from a work computer, was fired from her job, after the email raised up a hellstorm. Apparently, the woman and her family also received death threats. Hilton’s lawyer, Bryan Freedman, said the lawsuit has no merit, stating that anyone who “sends an e-mail to perezhilton.com does not have an expectation of privacy rights.”
Freedman said the disclaimer applies to visitors posting comments on the Web site, not e-mails. He said anyone who sends an e-mail to perezhilton.com does not have an expectation of privacy rights.
“A post is clearly different than sending an e-mail,” Freedman said. “You’re actually accessing the site when you post something.”
You hear that, crazy adults emailing us to ask for legal advice as to whether it’s OK to have sleepovers with 12 year olds? Don’t try us — we’ll publish those emails, douchebags, and Bryan Freedman says its OK.
Does John McCain Heart Rape Jokes?
Who knows if this is actually true, but allegedly (and we’re a blog, so we make a living in “Allegedly Land”) 22 years ago, John McCain told a joke in horrible taste, which went something like this, according to the Huffington Post:
In an appearance before the National League of Cities and Towns in Washington D.C., McCain supposedly asked the crowd if they had heard “the one about the woman who is attacked on the street by a gorilla, beaten senseless, raped repeatedly and left to die?”
The punch line: “When she finally regains consciousness and tries to speak, her doctor leans over to hear her sigh contently and to feebly ask, “Where is that marvelous ape?”
It’s pretty despicable, and not entirely inconsistent with McCain’s sense of humor, who once joked, “Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? … Because her father is Janet Reno.”
A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words … Listen to Them, Dumbass
Not to judge a man by his photo, but you look at the guy above, and it’s not terribly surprising to learn that he’s been charged with possessing child porn.
What is surprising, however, is that he has been a Boy Scout Leader for nearly 50 years.
Why is that surprising? Because parents have been leaving their children with Charles Franklin Knight for 50 years. The seed ticks in the beard not a big enough hint? No? What about the fact that the man has been a Boy Scout Leader for 50 years? It’s that kind of passion that’d have me worried (and, you know, the crazy-man beard).
But here’s the weird part:
A neighbor whose apartment is below Knight’s says a repairman made the discovery after being called to Knight’s home to fix an air conditioner. The woman says her boyfriend’s mother called police after the air conditioning unit in Knight’s apartment began to leak into theirs.
Questions to ponder: 1) Why would anyone call the police when an A/C started leaking? And 2) What is an air-conditioning repairman doing looking at this man’s computer?
The Daily Memo - 7/16/08
The real secret of the secret succession order is that I’m third in line for President! (Slate)
Who knew “picking up pizza while black” could lead to such trouble? (Above the Law)
A new bill in the House seeks regulation of how contracts are awarded for independent corporate monitors. (Law.com)
When you’re unlucky enough to get clobbered in the stands by a foul ball, are the clubs liable? (WSJ Law Blog)
When you steal a cell phone and then call the cops from that same cell phone, well, you just might get arrested. (WCC)
SkyNet is going to make us all pay for this one
Seriously man, you arrest a Terminator, there’s nothing but trouble in store for humanity, I’ll tell you what.
And as The Smoking Gun notes about this picture, it turns out “you can pop a collar without actually wearing the shirt.”
Doesn’t this kinda come with the territory?
The latest cast member on American Gladiators is going to court after beating their spouse during their honeymoon.
MMA fighter and American Gladiator Erin Toughill is aptly named…just ask her husband Clark Bevans, who is seeking an annulment after Toughill allegedly beat him up on several occasions, including their honeymoon.
Bevans, an MMA fighter himself, has also gotten a restraining order against Toughill. The legal documents claim that Toughill went “insane” with jealousy, and accused Bevans of being “a pedophile, sociopath and homosexual.” Toughill also allegedly smashed the windshield on Bevans’ RV, and once performed a hockey-style bodycheck on an ex-flame of his who was working at Gold’s Gym.
Toughill was announced as a new cast-member on American Gladiators just a couple of weeks ago. Producers say they were unaware of her marital issues at the time of the hiring. Toughill herself is denying Bevans’ allegations.
What, you thought it was a guy beating on his wife? Well, that is just sexist of you, now, isn’t it? I hope you are happy with yourself.
Fourth time’s the charm
On Sunday, Robert Hood was arrested in Texas for a DUI at 8:30 in the morning. And the fact that he was drunk driving so early in the morning is nothing in comparison with the fact that this was his fourth DUI in two weeks:
According to the State Patrol Hood was arrested for Driving Under the Influence on Thursday, July 4, in Mitchell, South Dakota, and on Monday, July 7, in Deadwood, South Dakota. Then the next day he was arrested for DUI on Interstate 25 in Platte County, Wyoming.
If Hood is trying to set a record for getting a DUI in every state of the Nation, sounds like he’s just got 47 more to go. Carry on, good sir, carry on!
Karl Rove, Ethical Novelist!
As the excellent TV critic from New Jersey put it in his column earlier this week: “Karl Rove will not testify under oath before Congress, but he did submit to questions from TV critics.” That about sums up this fuck of an administration, no?
Rove was in LA as part of the Television Critics Association Press tour, now that he’s part of the “we’re not biased, you’re biased” Fox News crew. Sepinwall’s article breaks down the Fox News session with Rove and, unsurprisingly, there wasn’t much to it. But there was this:
Finally,someone brought up former FEMA head Mike Brown and wondered whether, in retrospect, Rove thought it was a mistake to put the former head of a horse association in charge of America’s emergency response.
“Well, I think he was a little bit more qualified than that, but on that one,” he said with a wink, “you’ll have to wait for my book, unfortunately,” and proceeded to discuss the 2009 release date and price of said book.
And now it all comes together and falls into place. This administration hasn’t been fucking up because they’re idiots — they’ve fucking up for the sake of fucking up, to make good book fodder. Smart mother fuckers.
Here’s another highlight:
It wasn’t what you would call a lovefest. At one point, after a critic wondered if Rove would be on the honor system in terms of providing assistance to the McCain campaign, Moody said, “I don’t think Karl would cross an ethical line like that,” and there was audible laughter throughout the room.
“Don’t Come in My Ear”
Harry Shearer, who unearthed some raw footage of Katie Couric preparing for a debate a few months ago (a video that actually humanized her), has done it again. This time, he’s got footage of Dr. Laura Ingraham, who has a new show over on FOX News, as she prepares for a taping. She doesn’t quite lose it to the extent that Bill “Fuck It, We’ll Do It Live” O’Reilly did, but she does reveal a short temper and an irritability with, like, everything. It’s nearly 10 minutes long, but watching a professional roll her eyes for that long is transfixing.
In Canada, Shitfaced = Consent
A Canadian judge ruled this week that a 19-year-old man was not guilty of rape because the 14-year-old girl he plied with beer and liquor didn’t say no. In fact, the judge reasoned, accepting the alcohol was tantamount to consent.
“The accused’s lewd comments towards her did not compel her to leave,” the judge said. “The complainant was not forced to consume alcohol — she drank … beer willingly and then switched to alcohol. It is not at all clear why she drank so heavily.”
The reasoning behind her decision to drink heavily reallyshouldn’t have any bearing on whether there was consent. Consent to drink does not equal consent to have sex.
Of course, the judge didn’t let the guy off scott free. He was found guilty of sexual assault, not for raping the girl, but “for placing his genitals on the girl’s face after she passed out — an act the offender captured on his cellphone camera and showed to co-workers.”
Where’s the logic? The 14-year-old girl willingly drank, therefore she willingly passed out, so by the judge’s logic, she willingly allowed him to place his testicles on her face. Right?
What Did This Man’s Girlfriend Hit Him With?
Here’s your first clue? The story takes place in Florida.
Kimberlee Ann Cole went to jail Friday after allegedly striking Joel E. Goldsmith, 24, with the commode seat after finding him in the restroom smoking crack.
Ah, yes: She takes the expression “beat the shit out of him” to its literal extreme.
The Daily Memo - 7/15/08
Well, frozen cell phone taxes are better than continuously raising cell phone taxes, so this proposed legislation is at least a start. (Gizmodo)
The drunken party that ended with a mother punching her daughter in the face really ended with a lawsuit for defamation and breach of privacy. I like the first ending better. (The Independent)
Summer associates don’t get enough real work … wah … summer associates get the best work … wah wah … cry me a river. (Above the Law)
The long national nightmare that was the trademark litigation between eBay and Tiffany is over, with eBay winning and getting to take a metaphoric dump in a cute little blue box. (PC Magazine)
Two Ninth Circuit judges are very unhappy that the rest of their cohorts think it’s unconstitutional for a school to strip search a 13-year-old girl. (Law.com)
Hey! It Worked In Wanted, When Angelina Jolie Did It!
Some guy learned the hard way why you shouldn’t try certain movie stunts at home:
Police spokesman Detective James Mason said a motorist called 911 around 7:30 a.m. after seeing a man on the roof of a 64-car train as she went over an overpass in South Austin. Officers stopped the train a few minutes later and found body of a man, who they describe as a Hispanic male, age 25 to 30, and wearing a black jacket, black jeans and tennis shoes.
Mason said investigators think the man may have jumped from an overpass onto the train this morning, but are not sure how he died.
Not sure how he died, huh? Here’s a clue: The man was found on top of a train, after witnesses saw him jump on it from a great height. Although we’ll have to wait for the autopsy to confirm it, I bet it has something to do with gravity, the relative fragility of the human body, and mortality. Also, that he’s not Wile E. Coyote.
Rats! Foiled Again.
A woman in Wisconsin, trying to make a quick buck, claimed that she found a rat in her entree and threatened to call the media on the restaurant if they didn’t pony up half a million dollars.
The catch: The restaurant sent the rat for testing, which revealed that the damn thing was a white, lab rat, not a wild one. Also: It had been cooked in a microwave, and that particular restaurant didn’t use microwaves.
The woman is being charged with extortion.
The lesson: Always flame broil your rats.
Strange. I Thought a Republican Was in Office on 9/11
If Obama is An Oreo, Can We Eat his Creamy Center?
John McClaughlin is still alive?!
Amen and Pass the Ammunition
What the hell is wrong with the Bible Belt? Giving away semi-automatic weapons to kids at a church event? Why? To shoot holes in Christ?
After one of its organizers suffered an injury, a church was forced to cancel a gun giveaway at a weekend youth event.
The Windsor Hills Baptist Church planned the giveaway as a way to draw new participants to the church’s annual youth conference.
The gun in question: an AR-15 semi-automatic assault rifle.
Windsor Hills cancelled the giveaway Friday evening after announcing that Pastor Emeritus Jim Vineyard, who was running the event, had suffered a foot injury and would be unable to attend.
Ross said the gun, which had already been purchased for the event, will be given away at next year’s conference.
Oh, wait a second. They’re Baptists! Of course. That explains everything. Sorry I brought it to your attention.
Cut Off Your Own Nose Despite … Ooops.
You’re about to be evicted and your apartment of eight years is about to be demolished, and sit-ins just don’t cut it anymore. So, to stress the point, drastic measures are necessary. We’re talking self-decapitation, folks. No better form of protest, wouldn’t you say?
A ‘vulnerable’ man cut off his own head with a chainsaw after being ordered to move out of his home to make way for developers, police believe.
David Phyall’s severed head was found beside the power tool inside his housing association flat shortly after receiving his eviction notice.
Detectives were today investigating the possibility that the 58-year-old killed himself rather than leave his home of eight years.
Not an easy feat, folks — how do you remain conscious long enough to slice your own goddamn head off? The neck stem ain’t exactly butter, you know?
The Daily Memo - 7/14/08
Advice to the QuizLaw readers — whatever you do, if you’ve already got a herniated disc, try not to cause it to blow out on you. S’no fun at all. …As you were.
Skipping jury duty? That’s a shackling. (Above the Law)
One bonus of the shitty economy is that law firms may end up doing more pro bono work (at least at firms like mine, which have the user-friendly policy of allowing associates to hit their billable requirement with pro bono hours). (Law.com)
The FTC hates green tea. (43(B)log)
Of the 2008 Supreme term and their wacky senses of humor. (Supreme Dicta)
Out in Chicago, the Seventh Circuit has said that it’s ok for authoritarian condo associations to ban all outside-the-door stuff, even if that means observant Jews can’t put up a mezuzah. (WSJ Law Blog)
Here in Cali, there’s going to be a rare public forum on how and why impartial courts need to be preserved. (Law.com)
This Woman Would Appreciate Your Vote
Ladies and Gentlemen, 2008’s Green Party nominee for President of the United States of America: Cynthia McKinney.
You remember Cynthia, don’t you? Six-term Congresswoman from Georgia? The woman who hit a cop at the House entrance for failing to recognize that she was a Congress woman. You know, because there’s only 435 of them, and since most people can’t name more than two Supreme Court justices, they really ought to be able to recognize one of 435 members of the House. I believe, also, that in addition to being a 9/11 Truther, she’s also crazy in the fucking head.
Oh, Green Party. You finally get an election year where people actually give a shit about the environment, and you elect Stark Raving Angry as your nominee. Blurgh.
Is That a Masturbating Kangaroo, Or Were You Just Happy to See Me?
Black Hole and Other Racial Epithets …
Last Friday, we told you about a ridiculous episode where a Dallas judge took a county commissioner to task for using an analogy in which he referred to the parking system collection system as a “black hole,” a term the judge, who is black, thought was racially insensitive. He thus demanded an apology.
Well, for those who have a hard time believing people are this stupid without actually seeing evidence of it, thanks to a reader, Allen, we have You Tubic proof of real-life doltishness. Congrats, Dallas — You have a judge who apparently never took fifth grade science.
How Do You Make John McCain Intensely Uncomfortable?
Ask him about Viagra, of course. And you just know, during all the uncomfortable silences in this clip, that all McCain could think about was greasy old man boners.
Note to Brian Williams — bring up erectile dysfunction in the fall debates.
FOX News Attack on Michelle Obama, In Sum
Bring on the terrorist fist jabs.
Sorcerer Denied Level 7 Status
How come we’re just hearing about this now?
Indonesia will soon execute a sorcerer who was found guilty a decade ago of killing 42 women.
Ahmad Suradji reportedly carried out the murders to increase his magical powers.
Suradji, 57, has been held at a prison in North Sumatra province since 1998, when an Indonesian court sentenced him to death.
Damn the luck! He needed to kill just one more person before he had enough magical power to avoid execution.
The Daily Memo - 7/11/08
Jesse Jackson’s got some balls. (The Musings of a New Millennium Nigga)
I wish I knew how to quit you, Jonathan Lee Riches. (Above the Law)
The TTAB shows how unhip it is by ruling that “crazy good” isn’t descriptive. (The TTABlog)
Voting babies? Why not. (Supreme Dicta)
Out national nightmare is over, as Christie Brinkley settled her messy divorce case. (LawInfo)
IDEA’s got an idea for PETA — stop copying their shit. (The Trademark Blog)
Are “sexual deviant” and “fraternity pledge” really mutually exclusive?
See? Stupid shenanigans don’t only happen in Florida (they just happen there with greater regularity), as this story comes from Newport Beach, California:
Police are looking for an overweight, unshaven man in his 30s who snuck into two unlocked homes recently to dance for their residents, claiming that it was a requirement of his fraternity’s scavenger hunt.
Around 10 a.m. Sunday, a woman living in the 1700 block of Marguerite Avenue went into her living room and found a man there who said he had to dance for her, said Newport Beach police Sgt. Evan Sailor.
The woman was alarmed and not sure how she should handle the situation.
After finishing his dance, the man hugged the woman and put his hand on her butt before leaving, Sailor said.
On April 12, a similar incident occurred in the 700 block of Begonia Avenue in Corona del Mar, where a man with a matching description told the resident that he was in a fraternity and had to dance for her, police said. He touched her hand before leaving.
Police believe the man is either a residential burglar or sexual deviant, Sailor said.
Wait a minute? Is he being racist by calling it a “black mark?”
I love Russ Feingold, and his attack on FISA for being a “black mark” on our country is just the latest reason why:
Black Hole? White Hole? Asshole!
I can appreciate racial sensitivity, but you’ve got to be kidding me here:
A special meeting about Dallas County traffic tickets turned tense and bizarre this afternoon.
County commissioners were discussing problems with the central collections office that is used to process traffic ticket payments and handle other paperwork normally done by the JP Courts.
Commissioner Kenneth Mayfield, who is white, said it seemed that central collections “has become a black hole” because paperwork reportedly has become lost in the office.
Commissioner John Wiley Price, who is black, interrupted him with a loud “Excuse me!” He then corrected his colleague, saying the office has become a “white hole.”
That prompted Judge Thomas Jones, who is black, to demand an apology from Mayfield for his racially insensitive analogy.
Racially insensitive analogy? I suppose eating a white-bread sandwich during the meeting would’ve been offensive, too? God forbid you ever order in White Castle.
Full moon rising
Penn State apparently has a tradition called the Mifflin Streak where, each year before finals week, a bunch of students camp out on Mifflin Road to watch a bunch of other students go streaking at midnight. A 19-year-old student living in dorms over Mifflin Streat decided to join in the fun his own way, by mooning the crowd and pressing ham up against his glass window.
And now he’s been arrested and charged with open lewdness and disorderly conduct.
His attorney says that the kid didn’t think it’d be a big deal since everyone on the street was there to watch, you know, a ton of naked people. But some stuck-up, douchebag resident assistant has testified that he was offended by the full moon, and so the charges stuck. Good times.
Is That a T-Bone In Your Pants, Or Are You Just Happy to … Nope. That’s a T-Bone
That pretty man to your right, an Ohio resident, broke the unofficial record for steaks in the pants earlier this week, shattering the old record set just last week.
Last week, a Winton Place man was arrested for stuffing three packages of T-bone steaks down his shorts at a Walnut Hills Kroger.
Then came Tuesday’s arrest.
A different man, Christopher Penn, 41, of Springfield Township, allegedly stuffed eight T-bones down his pants at a Marsh supermarket, putting the old record to shame and landing himself behind bars on a theft charge.
According to police and court records, Penn selected the packages of meat, packed them against his 215-pound body and tried to walk out of the Colerain Township store just after 7 p.m. Store security stopped him and revealed the $77.29 worth of steak in his pants.
He probably would’ve gotten away with it, too, had he not tried to stuff a bag of charcoal briquets down his pants, as well.
What are you going to do, rattle me to death?
In Utica, New York, Stephanie Wilson was taking her baby for a walk when she got into an argument with another women. This was apparently the latest argument in an ongoing feud between the two about money. The argument got heated, and Wilson reached into the stroller, pulling out a rattle and baby bottle and threatening the other woman. And for this, she was arrested.
I mean, really, are a bottle and rattle that threatening?
…Oh wait. Never mind. Wilson actually pulled a knife and sawed-off shotgun out of the stroller!
The Daily Memo - 7/10/08
If life is really getting less cush and more real for some summer associates, well, it’s kinda hard to feel too sorry for ‘em, no? (Above the Law)
FISA passed! FISA passed! USA! USA! USA … fubar. (Yahoo! News)
Oh wacky law school parody videos, you never get old. …As Dustin has said before, thank god YouTube wasn’t around when we were doing our law school show. (Legal Antics)
Yup, IP lawyers get asked all the time about how to help people protect their ideas. But usually they’re bat. shit. crazy ideas. (Likelihood of Confusion)
An atheist soldier is suing the Army for discriminating against him as it has become, he contends, a Christian organization. (CNN)
The Last American Moral Stand
How often do you see someone (aside from our brave men and women in uniform of course) sacrifice themselves for a moral cause?
I think I love L.F. Eason III.
L.F. Eason III gave up the only job he’d ever had rather than lower a flag to honor former U.S. Sen. Jesse Helms.
Eason, a 29-year veteran of the state Department of Agriculture, instructed his staff at a small Raleigh lab not to fly the U.S. or North Carolina flags at half-staff Monday, as called for in a directive to all state agencies by Gov. Mike Easley.
When a superior ordered the lab to follow the directive, Eason decided to retire rather than pay tribute to Helms. After several hours’ delay, one of Eason’s employees hung the flags at half-staff.
He told his staff that he did not think it was appropriate to honor Helms because of his “doctrine of negativity, hate, and prejudice” and his opposition to civil rights bills and the federal Martin Luther King Jr. holiday.
Good on him. Now, will somebody give this man a job?
In other news, Jesse Helms has finally made his way into the bowels of Hell, where they’re firing up the pit roast. Burn. In. Hell. You lousy racist fuck.
How to get busted for carrying illegal drugs
…By trying to sell $5,700 worth of illegal fireworks. Cause, you know, when you’re found selling a fuck-ton of illegal fireworks, the cops may just conduct a search, and find your drugs.
Oh, and if you have a warrant out for your arrest, it’s a fucking tripple whammy.
I Swear to God, Soon We’re Going to Lose All of Our Rights
It’s those damn activist judges, you know. First they start chipping away at our civil liberties, and now we can’t even have proper sex with a dead person.
Wisconsin law bans sex with dead bodies, the state Supreme Court ruled Wednesday in reinstating charges against three men accused of digging up a corpse to have sex with it.
The court waded into the grisly case after lower court judges ruled nothing in state law banned necrophilia. Those decisions prompted public outrage in Wisconsin and on the Internet, where one blogger wrote: “Doing the dirty with the dead OK in Wisconsin.”
Not anymore, the court ruled in a 5-2 decision.
Hey! I thought if she didn’t say “No,” that’s supposed to be implicit permission.
Ladies, there’s a real winner of a man waiting for you in Muncie, Indiana
Richard H. Valens Jr. is a special kind of man. The kind of man who gives a beer to a 1-year-old (his nephew, no less) and then, when his girlfriend objects, slugs her in the face and threatens to kill her and her daughter.
Valens said that it was totally okay for his nephew to have the beer because the kid’s “a champ” who could “handle it.”
I suspect that Valens’ girlfriend is now his ex, which means he’s back on the market. Act now gals, because this catch surely won’t stay single for long!
What the Hell Did Jesse Jackson Say to Piss Off His Son?
How bad a thing do you have to say to provoke your own son to take a presidential candidate’s side over your own? I don’t know, but I assume we’ll soon be finding out.
Whatever the Rev. Jesse Jackson Sr. said in a live microphone on Fox News, it was really, really bad, and none other than his own son seems to know it.
“I’m deeply outraged and disappointed in Reverend Jackson’s reckless statements about Senator Barack Obama. His divisive and demeaning comments about the presumptive Democratic nominee — and I believe the next president of the United States — contradict his inspiring and courageous career,” wrote Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. (D-Ill.), an Obama campaign co-chairman, in a statement sent out after word began spreading that his father had said something crude and deeply offensive.
The bold-faced text was his own. “Instead of tearing others down, Barack Obama wants to build the country up and bring people together so that we can move forward, together — as one nation. The remarks like those uttered on Fox by Reverend Jackson do not advance the campaign’s cause of building a more perfect Union.”
Damnit! It was “so crude” that Wolf Blitzer couldn’t repeat it? Wolf Blitzer could make a George Carlin skit sound G-rated.
I MUST KNOW.
[Rumors suggest that Jesse Jackson called Obama a “house n****er.” Man alive.]
Update: A video of at least part of what Jackson said is now available — he said he’d like to “cut off” Obama’s “nuts.” Hey, wouldn’t we all, Jesse. You know how much you could fetch on E-Bay for those?
What a Sore Loser!
Ever been to Maine? Southern Maine is more or less an extension of Boston and Portsmouth (Fun Fact: Until 1820, Maine was actually part of Massachusetts). But if you travel north of, say, Augusta, you’re getting into separated-from-reality territory — weird folks who want to secede from Maine. They have a novel twist on the New Hampshire way of life — they’re motto is something like “Live Free Or We’ll Murder You in Your Sleep.” It’s cause of the cold — it sets into their testes and dulls the brain. Also, the isolation — other people tend to frighten them.
All of which makes this story out of Hartland, Maine not particularly surprising: See: Northern Mainers take their croquet very seriously — because of their alienation from civilization, they’re not familiar with newfangled games like “baseball” and “basketball.” Andrew Fox III was playing croquet with his wife and 16-year-old step-son, when it turned kind of nasty. After Andrew lost the game, he punched his step-son in the head and when the kid and his Mom fled to a dead-end street, Andrew barricaded himself into his mobile home.
Then he burned that motherfucker down.
Fortunately for Fox, police dragged him out and put him in handcuffs. Charges are pending. My advice: Take away his croquet mallet.
The best news, however, is that a mother cat and her children were saved from the fire; unfortunately, the whereabouts of the hamsters, rabbits, fish, and other cats inside are not yet known.
Darwin Wins Again!
What the hell do they teach in school down in Florida?
A Kissimmee man was arrested after he called police to report that he’d been robbed of the money he stole.
Police said, early Friday morning, John Opperman-Green robbed a 7-Eleven on Orange Blossom Trail. When he left the store, he tried to get a ride with some men he didn’t know. They robbed him of the money he had stolen and that’s when he called police.
While he was being questioned, Opperman-Green implicated himself in the 7-Eleven robbery and the robbery of a Mobil gas station the day before. (Source)
He could’ve just cut out the middle man and, after the robbery, called the police to ask for a ride to the local jail.
Odor Eaters Could Save Your Life
Ever spent a long period of time with someone with stinky feet? Smells like mold and toe jam, dead cat, and sweaty, unbathed smoker vagina. It’s one of the least appealing scents you could ever experience. It’s enough, in fact, to make some people stabby:
A Houston man was sentenced to 35 years in prison on Tuesday after prosecutors said he fatally stabbed his roommate during an argument about foot odor.
William Antonio Serrano, 23, pleaded no contest to murder in May in the October death of Noel Quintanilla-Vaquero, 21.
“The defendant said the victim had smelly feet,” Vinas said.
Authorities said the men were in an apartment in the 100 block of Goodson they shared with others when they had an argument between 9 p.m. and 10 p.m. Oct. 6.
Police said another roommate, a woman, told investigators that she heard the men arguing about foot odor. She said she saw Serrano stab Quintanilla-Vaquero. Vinas said Quintanilla-Vaquero was stabbed 16 times.
What Serrano didn’t realize, unfortunately, is that a holey corpse smells even worse than foot odor. You know what else smells? Prison cell toilets.
The Daily Memo - 7/9/08
Shotgun plus whiskey glass attachment equals Southern harmony. (Legal Antics)
After playing Tim Allen’s son on TV for years, a Tasing must surely be a step up in life, no? So why the lawsuit? (The Blemish)
Judge Fatty Boombalatty lost her lawsuit and now has to run (or moto-scooter very slowly) for re-election. (Above the Law)
John Kerry says want-to-be president John McCain is very different from Senator John McCain, complete with judgment that could be “dangerous for our country.” (The Raw Story)
Uhm … “world-famous Russian Cat Clown,” lawsuit, blahblahblah. Cat Clown. World-famous, no less. I’m … … I got nothing. (WSJ Law Blog)
Things to do when stealing a car
Make sure there’s nobody watching. Think about wearing gloves so you don’t leave prints. Try to be quiet and avoid drawing attention to yourself.
Oh, and if you don’t know how to drive stick, avoid stealing a manual transmission car. Things just won’t turn out so good:
According to police, Garry Michael Wilson drove a stolen BMW Z3 just two blocks Saturday night before the car’s manual transmission apparently couldn’t take any more grinding punishment.
“He just couldn’t drive the car,” said police Lt. Justin Barley.
A resident on High Street alerted police when he heard someone in front of his house revving the stolen car’s engine. Wilson got out of the car and fled on foot, the witness told police. The suspect was later arrested at a nearby house.
How to Get Your Parole Revoked, 201, Day Two
Hi class - welcome back! Last week, we talked about using a stolen car to go check in with your parole officer. This week, we’re upping the ante. You’ll need a little luck on your side, but if you play your cards just right, you’ll have a great story to tell when you head back to the clink:
It all started shortly after 9 a.m. Wednesday when police received a call from a frantic woman saying she had just escaped from a room at the John Muir Inn at 445 Muir Station Road near Center Avenue. She told police that a man was still at the motel being held against his will, Sylvia said.
When the call went out, about eight police officers were having a meeting across the street from the motel at a Starbucks coffee shop, Sylvia said. The officers, from the administrative division and the investigative bureau, were soon joined by six uniformed officers and surrounded the motel.
Craig Manley, 28, and Simon Melo, 29, both parolees, tried to run away but were quickly caught and arrested for parole violations, Sylvia said. Police found numerous stolen items in their room, including checks and credit cards, as well as drug paraphernalia, Sylvia said.
State parole agents who happened to be in Martinez at the time also responded to the motel.
Police did not find any man being held against his will. They suspect that the woman might have made the phone call after a drug deal went bad, Sylvia said.
Has W been ruled a felon?
Attorney Jon B. Eisenberg has posted an absolutely fascinating story over at Salon about a lawsuit he’s involved in, as co-counsel for the plaintiffs, against President Bush over the warrantless wiretapping shenanigans. Key to the story is a confidential document which the government accidentally turned over to the plaintiffs, a document which allowed them to originally establish standing by showing that the Feds had definitely eavesdropped on the plaintiffs.
From there, the story involves an almost-showdown between the FBI and a judge, the filing of secret briefs and responses to secret briefs which the attorneys never got to see, secret meetings in windowless rooms, the questionable illegality of a lawyer’s brain, the battle of the Desk Leg versus the Hard Drive (hint: the hard drive totally won), arguments over whether knowing you know something means you actually know something and a court decision that the “unitary executive” theory that Bush and company loves ain’t kosher.
As Eisenberg explains, this case is likely to soon be the one and only case left dealing with the whole warrentless wiretapping program, so it’s kind of a big deal. And the Salon article really is a great read, and probably the most interesting thing you’ll read today. So do yourself a favor and take twenty minutes to check it out.
It’s like National Lampoon’s Vacation only, you know, not fucking funny
In Oldsmar, Florida, an asshole by the name of Jack Q. Brown has been charged with animal cruelty. Seems that Asshole Brown thought it would be a dandy idea to take a young bichon-yorkie dog, Riley, out for a walk.
By dangling Riley’s leash out of the driver’s-side window and speeding off at about 45 miles per hour.
The witness told deputies he saw the dog bouncing off the roadway, off the side of the van and at one point saw the dog go underneath the van between the two left tires. The suspect eventually let go of the leash and continued driving.
Luckily, Riley was relatively unscathed, save for some bumps and scratches. Hopefully, when Brown is tossed in the clink he’ll get some bumps and scratches.
Here’s Your Daily Dose of Wrong
This, on the same day that John McCain asked, “How about some old-fashioned fudge?”
I’ll never see John McCain the same way again.
I’m Sorry — I Seemed to Have Misplaced My Car. In Your Pool.
This actually happened to me, twice, though my car didn’t land in a pool either time. Once, I’d forgotten to put on the parking brake, and my car managed to squeeze out of a parallel parking spot, on its own, and crash into a car across the street.
The other time, however, I had gone to pick up my girlfriend for a date. When she answered the door, she said, “Is that your car rolling down the street?” I chased it for about a block, before a man started yelling at me to “Let it go, son. Just let it go.” I did. It sideswiped a boat and landed softly in a pile of mud. Ta da!
Use the parking brake, people! That’s what it’s for.
There Once Was a Man from Nantucket …
What do you do if you’re a judge and a lawyer files a 465-page lawsuit you don’t have any interest in reading?
You write a limerick, of course.
Plaintiff has a great deal to say,
But it seems he skipped Rule 8(a).
His Complaint is too long,
Which renders it wrong,
Please rewrite and refile today.”
All decisions should be written in limerick form, damnit.
Defendant is sentenced to death,
He killed his wife with his breath.
He ate garlics in cloves,
Then blew in her nose,
Cause he didn’t know she was a vampire zombie!
The Daily Memo - 7/8/08
You gotta lose yourself in the music … or Eminem will beat the shit out of you while you’re doing your business in front of a urinal. (IndustryFinest.com)
You gotta love federal legislation designed to protect employee benefits which employers can use to shield themselves against lawsuits for not paying benefits. (LawInfo)
But the real question is, who’s the bigger cheater? (Legal Antics)
Yet another reason why making partner at a law firm ain’t exactly all it’s cracked up to be. (WSJ Law Blog)
Pirates ahoy! (Concurring Opinions)
Well that’s just efficiency
Seventy-four-year-old Lynne Rice was out for a nice Sunday evening drive when she turned her 1988 Caddy into Joe’s Food Mart and Video. Into it, as in, right into the store. And get this — the old lady then got out of her car, “walked over to the cooler and pulled out a six-pack of Budweiser.”
But the stupid store owner wouldn’t sell her the car and, instead, called the cops. The old lady was taken to the hospital and then arrested for DUI.
(Hat tip to reader Adam B.)
Doing computer repairs, by digging into folks’ affairs … deep in the heart of Texas!
Texas has a wonderfully stupid new law which requires all computer repair technicians to also have a state-issued private investigator license. Seems that under other Texas laws, it is illegal to conduct investigation into folks without such a license and the Texas legislature has decided that computer repairmen, in fixing computers, necessarily engage in some investigation. So they should be licensed.
An advocacy group has already filed a lawsuit over the silly law, hoping to prevent thousands of repair technicians from being convicted of a felony (!) and thrown in the clink just because they didn’t know they needed to be Magnum fucking P.I. to repair a P.C.
It’s not so bad if you look at it in terms of centuries…
…Because then, James Kevin Pope’s prison sentence is only about 40.
Yup — Pope was just hit with a sentence of 4,060 years. If he can find the key to immortality, he’ll first be eligible for parole in 3209.
But before you go feeling bad for Pope, this hefty sentence comes as a result of forty sex assault convictions stemming from Pope’s sexual abuse of three teenage girls over a two year span. So the scum bag got what he deserved. But that doesn’t change the humor in his sentence.
I mean, think of it this way. If, back in 807, Emperor Charlemagne had been hit with a similar sentence, he would only just be coming up for parole this year. But if you go back four millenia, it was the beginning of the Xia Dynasty in China (the first real government system there), and it was smack in the middle of the Tenth Dynasty in Egypt. I mean, we’re practically talking cradle of civilization type shit here. Four. Thousand. Years.
See ya’ on the other side, Pope!
Here’s a proposition for you … just leave the gays alone, would you?!
Here in California, we’ve got a weird form of democracy. With enough support, people can get propositions placed onto statewide ballots. If these propositions pass, state laws or the California Constitution itself are amended. The idea is great on paper, as it puts true legislative power in the people’s hands. Of course, trouble is, the people are generally fucking stupid. And the propositions are invariably backed by big interest groups trying to push through their own agendas, hoping to snow the generally fucking stupid people. Plus, the propositions that have been voted through have caused many of the state laws to become sloppy and, but for a few of them (such as the much needed Prop 64, which necessarily took a little bite out of our relatively unique Unfair Competition laws), the impact ends up being small.
I bring all this up as background to understanding Proposition 8, which is now slated to appear on our fall ballot. This proposition would amend the California Constitution to ban marriage, by placing the following language in our constitution: “Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.” In light of the Cali Supreme Court giving the ok to state-sponsored gay marriage, this is a particularly hot-button topic out here and the backers of Prop 8 had no trouble getting enough signatures for the Proposition to appear on the fall ballot although, from studies and polls I’ve seen, a majority of Californians support or are indifferent to gay marriage.
In any event, a lawsuit was filed last month against the Secretary of State in an attempt to put the kibosh on Prop 8. The lawsuit claims that the signature gathering was flawed, and that the proposition is more akin to a revision of the Constitution, rather than an amendment, which requires an entirely different process (the state Legislature must approve the revision, and the revision must then be ratified by the people). I’m actually a bit torn on the thing. Not substantively — I’m behind gay marriage 100%. Rather, part of me would like to see the Prop 8 vote over and done with, for better or worse. But another part of me thinks that a delay can only help the anti-Prop 8 cause, as voters see that, over time, gay marriage doesn’t make our state fall into the ocean. But I guess it’s up to the California Supreme Court now, so we’ll just have to wait and see how it shakes out.
Barack Is Already Telling Lies … and It’s Getting Personal
So, I get the above email a couple of hours ago, and I’m feeling pretty goddamn special. Out of the millions of Barack Obama supporters, David Plouffe picked me to be the very first to know that, during the Democratic National Convention, Barack would be giving his acceptance speech in a stadium. I was even invited to be one of the 70,000 plus who would get a chance to see the speech in person.
Well, if I was meant to be the first to know the news, then why did the New York Times already know about it at 11:13 a.m. this morning?
Heads are gonna roll for this.
Fun with Dichotomy
There’s just something beautifully ironic about this video, featuring a couple of George W. Bush hecklers, both of whom are taken away by the Secret Service. I don’t disagree with the decision to remove them from the event, but I do love the dichotomy between what is being said and what is occurring out in the audience.
“We believe in the freedom of speech!” he says, while an agent muzzles a protester.
Man Dies in Freak Accident, And the Weather is Seasonable
Back when I was a major in journalism in college (I know, I know — it’s not nearly as romantic as astrophysics, but then again, journo majors got a lot more tail), one of the first lessons we were taught in the news reporting business is the inverted pyramid: Lead with the most significant details and work your way down to the filler material.
I’m not sure that Ken Ross completely understood the inverted pyramid, as evidenced by these opening paragraphs:
Independence Day weekend ended quietly today after beginning with a fatal accident on Friday, when a Palmer man died after he was struck by a car while lighting fireworks.
Today’s weather also proved to be drier and sunnier after sporadic rain showers on Friday and Saturday.
David G. Bassett, 39, of 1067 Pleasant St., Palmer, died on Friday as a result injuries he sustained after he was struck by a vehicle at 10:20 p.m. near 1061 Pleasant St. in Palmer driven by Brian F. Dickson, 19, of Monson, according to a statement issued by Palmer police. Bassett was pronounced dead on Friday at Wing Memorial Hospital in Palmer.
Bassett and others were lighting fireworks in the middle of Pleasant Street when Dickson approached the area. Upon seeing the fireworks, “Dickson accelerated in an attempt to run over the fireworks,” police stated.
Dickson struck the victim, whom Dickson claims he did not see “due to the excessive smoke from the fireworks,” police stated.
I’ll grant that he used the appropriate lede, but I’m not so sure that the weather is particularly important to the story of this man’s tragic death.
Meanwhile, and more importantly, why would you try to run over fireworks?
How Is This Even Possible?
A man in the UK, trying to relieve pain from gum disease, drank so much that he actually died. Indeed, he drank 10 litres on the day he died, following two days of the same liquid intake.
But here’s the weird part: He was drinking water!
Andrew Thornton overdosed on freakin’ water.
He was taken to hospital last December after collapsing at home and doctors initially thought he was drunk on alcohol because he was staggering and slurring his words.
In reality the symptoms were caused by the excess water causing swelling in the brain.
Doctors put salt back into his body in an attempt to counter the effects of his huge water intake, but the following day he suffered a fatal heart attack.
Pathologist Dr Alan Padwell told the Halifax inquest: ‘He claimed drinking water relieved the problems with gum trouble, though he vomited a lot afterwards.
‘He had been drinking an awful lot of water and vomiting. He had overloaded with water. Your body tells you how much you need. Eat and drink normally and your body will regulate itself.’
Coroner Mark Hinchliffe recorded a verdict of death by misadventure and concluded Mr Thornton died of a heart attack triggered by overconsumption of water.
Who knew you could drink too much water? And 10 litres a day? Had he not died, he could’ve finally accomplished my long-held goal in life: See if it’s possible to fill a toilet so high with pee that it flushes itself.
But the real lesson here is simply this: You may be able to overconsume water, but you can never brush your teeth often enough.
The Daily Memo - 7/7/08
I wonder if Joe Lieberman sharpens his knives before sticking them in Barack’s back. (The Stonecipher Report)
McCain: “I never said I’m not an economic expert. No sirree. I said I wasn’t an ebonics expert. That stuff, I just don’t get. Economics, I’m totally down with.” (Think Progress)
There was a lot of hub-bub last week over the ruling that YouTube has to give Viacom its records of who watched what and when. While some folks are up in arms, I suspect the QuizLaw readers are just happy that it’s about what YouTube videos you watched rather than what YouPorn videos you watched. (Gizmodo)
Shit, the way gas prices are these days, I’m ready to start whoring myself out too. (Above the Law)
A Minnesota college student is facing up to five years in the clink after putting his November presidential vote up for grabs on eBay. (AP)
When a lady is on trial for whoring out a runaway 15-year-old, that’s not funny. But when that lady pimp is a dwarf who goes by the nickname “Shorty?” Well, it still might not be funny, but it’s damn close. (WCBSTV)
Taking it to the streets
Barack Obama has posted a public statement of his position on the FISA legislation. As you know, this is the legislation dealing with all the warantless wiretapping shenanigans, and Obama has gotten some flack for supporting the recent compromise over the legislation, particularly because it still gives all the telecom companies immunity for any past bad acts they did.
The post makes for an interesting read and, while I’m not sure that I entirely agree with all of his reasoning, I gotta say that it’s refreshing as hell to actually have a politician lay his reasoning out. And even more refreshing to see that he put some actual thought and analysis into his decision. This is the primary reason I dig Barack — not because of his political stance on the issues (which I agree with his critics, to some extent, he hasn’t necessarily detailed as well as he could/should), but because the man can think and reason, allowing himself to be smart and rational in his decision making. To have something like that in the White House, well, it’d be a nice change of pace from the last eight years, don’t you think?
Well it was all good for two whole days, so that’s something
On July 1, we had a new law go into effect here in California requiring all drivers to use hands-free headsets for their cellphones while driving. I think it’s a relatively stupid law because: (i) it doesn’t prohibit texting or more dangerous uses of the phone; and (ii) to the extent that talking on the cell phone makes driving more dangerous, I kinda think it has to do with the driver being engaged in conversation, rather than being because they’re holding something to their ear. But whatever — the law’s the law. And it’s been advertised like a mother fucker the past few weeks, particularly with all the wireless providers capitalizing off of it to sell bluetooth headsets out the wazoo.
But I’ve seen plenty of folks ignoring the law, talking on the cell phones like normal, and it took all of two days before the new law led to a high speed chase — huzzah!
Officers attempted to pull over Richard Travers, 46, near Santa Monica Boulevard and Rexford Drive at 12:50 p.m. Wednesday because he was seen using a hand-held cell phone while driving. When police ran a check on the Ford Econoline’s license plate, they discovered the vehicle had been reported stolen, Beverly Hills police Lt. Tony Lee said.
When the officer approached the van, Travers took off, Lee said. The van went westbound on Santa Monica Boulevard at speeds up to 60 mph, crashing into one car in Beverly Hills, Lee said. Police were right behind the suspect as he continued westbound on Wilshire Boulevard, where he rear-ended another car in Westwood, Lee said.
No one was seriously injured in the crashes.
The suspect then got on the northbound 405 Freeway going the wrong way before pulling onto a freeway embankment. There, he tried unsuccessfully to carjack another vehicle, Lee said. The suspect then jumped over a fence and was arrested at Sawtelle Boulevard and Ohio Avenue by officers from the Beverly Hills and Los Angeles police departments and California Highway Patrol, Lee said.
Travers is facing charges of attempted carjacking, grand theft auto, felony possession of narcotics, hit-and-run, and felony evading, Lee said.
And here’s the kicker:
However, it is not expected he will be charged with breaking the new cell phone law.
I hereby define “Seth” to mean “the greatest thing since slice bread”
Man, the Eight Circuit really fucking blew it on this one. Last week, Slate published an interesting article on the Eighth Circuit’s ruling in Planned Parenthood v. Rounds, a decision which will allow South Dakota’s 2005 abortion law to finally go into effect. That law requires doctors to give abortion candidates a written statement which states: (i) that “the abortion will terminate the life of a whole, separate, unique, living human being;” (ii) that the woman has “an existing relationship with that unborn human being” which is protected by the constitution; and (iii) that “depression and related psychological distress” and “increased risk of suicide ideation and suicide” are “statistically significant risk factors” associated with an abortion.
The Slate article is really worth a full read but, in a nutshell, the Eight Circuit’s decision was focused on the “human being” part, since the Supreme Court, in Roe v. Wade, explicitly found that a fetus is not a legal person. But get this. The South Dakota law defines “human being” as “an individual living member of the species Homo sapiens, including the unborn human being during the entire embryonic and fetal ages from fertilization to full gestation.” And the Eight Circuit said that’s fine, ignoring the fact that women being told they have “an existing relationship with that unborn human being” aren’t going to go look up what the statute defines “human being” as. As Emily Bazelon, the Slate article’s author, puts it:
The idea that a fetus is whole and separate will probably be news to a lot of women who have carried one. But what’s more distressing, because the majority’s reasoning is so strained, is the assertion that by defining a phrase one way, a state can erase its ambiguity and the variety of perceptions people bring to it. It’s one thing to say—as the case law the majority relies on here does—that a statutory definition binds judges and their interpretation of language. It’s another entirely to say that when doctors tell women they are carrying a human being, that women will think, Oh, right, that means only the long, convoluted thing that the state says it does. Most patients won’t think that, because they won’t necessarily define “human being” the way the statute does.
I’m sorry, but whether you’re pro-choice or pro-life, I don’t see how you can possibly justify the Eighth Circuit’s willingness to be nonsensical here.
Scientific theories, intelligent design and story time
At the end of this post, I am going to share one of the coolest moments in my life as well as the unquestionably dorkiest moment in my life. Both of which I was reminded of when, over the weekend, I stumbled upon an article talking about how some scientists happened upon another test which Einstein’s Theory of General Relativity passed.
This article called to mind my post from last week wherein I bitched about the teaching of Intelligent Design in the science classroom. While I think ID is utter hogwash, I have no problem with it being discussed in religious circles. I may not believe the beliefs of others and, while I’m an asshole who might mock them for said beliefs, I also stand behind their right to believe what they will. But that doesn’t change the fact that ID is not science. The Theory of Evolution, meanwhile, is science and, using the scientific method, it can be tested. And so far, it passes all tests.
Anyway, the article I mentioned talks about a unique situation in space, where two pulsars (massive remains of dead stars) happen to live incredibly close to each other (they’re only twice the distance from each other as the Earth is from the moon). This gave scientists a unique opportunity to test a prediction of General Relativity, and the prediction matches the observed results. As one of the scientists notes, “It’s not quite right to say that we have now ‘proven’ General Relativity. However, so far, Einstein’s theory has passed all the tests that have been conducted.” And that’s the difference between evolution and Intelligent Design - evolution has passed tests while ID hasn’t passed shit.
And yes, for those who are physics wonks, I realize that this same argument could be used to belittle string theory. But while we don’t have any tests for the key components of those various theories yet, they originate from scientific ideas and principles, not religion. And it’s because of the fact that they remain untested that it’s not only right, but necessary, that they be taught and studied as mere possibilities at this point. But again, they’re based and rooted in science. Intelligent Design is not.
Anyway, on to my self-indulgent story time. This article was also heartwarming to me because (a) it’s about pulsars, which I studied in my “I’m gonna be an astrophysicist days” and (b) it resulted from observations taken at the Green Belt Telescope (the “GBT”) in West Virginia. I spent a weekend at the GBT, and we got to work with a smaller radio telescope on the same campus and this is what led to the two moments I mentioned above.
One of the coolest moments of my life — we were using this little telescope to record some data and, as we studied what had been recorded, we realized that we had picked up this weird motion that we couldn’t account for. After a few hours of mucking around with the data, we eventually realized that what we had observed and recorded was the rotation of our galaxy. That moment of realization was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever experienced, awesome in the truest meaning of the word. It’s that aspect of scientific study that I miss the most in my post-scientist days.
The dorkiest moment of my life — we then decided to point the telescope all the way to the ground, and our whole group got in front of it. The human body gives off tiny amounts of radiation which a strong enough telescope, like this one, can pick up. So we took the “image” (a time-based graph) of the data of our collective radiation and made it into our own group photo, and eventually put that image on t-shirts. Yes, Maude, I’m a card-carrying fucking dork (in fact … we also made laminated “astrophysicist” wallet cards that summer, too. …holy hell, it’s a wonder I’m not still a virgin living in my parents’ basement).
England can suck my old man balls.
With apologies to our foreign readers, who don’t give a shit about the Fourth of July….
Holy shit! If this doesn’t make you love America, you’re just a red-blooded commie what has no business enjoying today’s holiday.
A raging hard-on of a hat tip to Kissing Suzy Kolber.
It’s good to read the Old Texts every once in a while…
When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.
He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.
He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:
For protecting them, by a mock Trial from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:
For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:
For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury:
For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:
For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies
For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:
For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.
Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.
We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.
— John Hancock
Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton
John Hancock, Samuel Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry
Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery
Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott
William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris
Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark
Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross
Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean
Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton
George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton
William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn
Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton
Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton
Bork, bork, meep-meep…
You know how I know this is going to be the best 4th ever? Because with this as the lead-in, how can it not be?
Happy 4th y’all!
If I knew you could get credit for this, school would’ve been so much more fun
Over in the UK, a British student was taking something called the GCSE English exam, when he was faced with this question: “Describe the room you’re sitting in.”
The student’s eloquent response?
A senior examiner was grading the paper and gave the student two points out of a possible twenty-seven, saying: “It would be wicked to give it zero, because it does show some very basic skills we are looking for - like conveying some meaning and and some spelling,” The examiner went on to say that the student would’ve gotten more points had he included an exclamation point, “because it would have been showing a little of skill.”
They should give points for such cuss-laden creativity on the Bar Exam. Speaking of which, I know at least one of our regular readers is getting ready for the final crunch of the post-3L hell that is studying for the Bar Exam. A word of advice — take this Fourth of July weekend off and don’t study at all. Put that shit aside for three days, tell your Bar/Bri books to “fuck off” and enjoy yourself. You’ll be the better for it.
The Daily Memo - 7/3/08
The DOJ is digging its nose into the Google/Yahoo deal to make sure there’s nothing sketchy going on there. (Washington Post)
Whoops — seems that the Supremes made a teensy factual error in their “no death penalty for kiddy rape” decision. (NY Times)
W is all sorts of blinky. (Legal Antics)
Richard Posner decided to use one of his opinions to defend the good name of ostriches everywhere. (Supreme Dicta)
I bet Minnesota’s labour laws aren’t the only ones Wal-Mart has violated. Just saying. (Reuters)
Were they normal silk jammies, or underoos? Inquiring minds want to know, damn it!
Bobby Gardocki made the curious decision to chase Michael Estrada down the streets of New York, while wearing pajamas. Estrada didn’t take too kindly to this, calling out “stop this crazy guy — he’s trying to kill me.” The police were happy to oblige, tackling Gardocki and letting Estrada carry on his way.
The thing of it is, Gardocki told the cops that he was chasing Estrada because Estrada had stolen several thousand dollars worth of jewelry from his apartment. The cops didn’t believe Gardocki, of course, until another tenant of his building happened to walk by and convinced the cops that Gardocki was an upstanding citizen. So they then went after Estrada, who they found nearby. Nice trick by Estrada though, and it would’ve worked if it wasn’t for that pesky neighbor.
The Discriminatingest Place on Earth
Sukhbir Channa has sued Disney World (that’s the Florida one — I dunno about you, but I always get World and Place fucking confused) for discrimination. Channa is a Sikh and, as such, has long hair (and, presumably, a big ol’ beard) and wears a turban. But he says that when he applied to be a trumpet player at Disney World back in 2006, he was told that he didn’t have the “Disney look,” thank you very much. Channa is looking for a nice $1 million payout.
Disney says that, first, they’ve got no record of Channa applying for that job and, second, of course it doesn’t discriminate. Against anyone. Ever. Because that would go against the spirit of famous Jew-hater Walt.
Rule number one, never run out of Colt 45. Rule number two, never forget rule number one.
I’ve been known to frequently speak ill of my hometown of Philadelphia. But one thing I truly love about the place is the Mural Arts Program, which is responsible for thousands of internal and external murals all over the city. It’s really awesome to see well-done public art in some of the ugliest and roughest areas of the city, and it’s one of the few things I believe is really going right for a city that’s been in a lot of trouble socially and financially (not to mention sports-ally) for some time.
Which I bring up because the city has cracked down on a couple of murals for crossing the line from art to illegal advertising. Seems that Pabst Beer paid from some wall space so that murals incorporating its Colt 45 malt liquor could go up. Which basically amounts to an illegal billboard. The city has tried contacting Pabst to scold them, and has issued citations to the businesses which took payment for their wall space (at least one business admits to taking $1,000 from Pabst for a Colt 45 mural).
Here are some samples of the non-advertising murals scattered around the city (my personal favorite is the one I included up top):
I’ll always love The Usual Suspects, but whatever with that. See you later Stephen — have a good time wherever you’re going (the highlight of the clip comes at the tail end, and I know he’s kinda-sorta-mostly joking and poking some fun at his brother, but that’s not going to stop me from poking some fun at him):
(Hat tip to Defamer.)
I believe that, on the open market, it’s five cats for one dog
In Greenacres, Florida (where else?), Linda Urioste has been arrested because of her dog. Sorta.
Back in May, her black labrador went up and missing. The dog, Scooby, was found by animal control and eventually adopted by Jutta Hollar and her husband, who renamed the pooch Buddy. Two weeks later, they found out that Urioste was looking for her dog, and the Hollars met with with Urioste to talk about the situation. According to Jutta, Urioste “was very rude and yelled at us and treated us really not very nice,” so she and her husband decided to keep Sccoby/Buddy.
Urioste threatened to sue them, but the Hollars didn’t budge. So a few days later, Urioste decided to kidnap their cat, leaving the following message on their answering machine:
I was the used-to-be-owner, but I was wondering if you were missing a gray pussy cat. Because a pussy cat ran out in front of my car not far from your house and I saved its life. I almost ran him over. So, I was just wondering how you are enjoying Scooby, because I am enjoying your pussy cat while he is in his crate. You call it crate, I call it a cage. Have a nice day
The Hollars called the police, who found their cat Mitz with Urioste, and arrested her for theft and extortion.
The Daily Memo - 7/2/08
Chief Justice Johnny cited Bob Dylan? That’s awesome. (Even if he kinda botched the quote.) (Above the Law)
With a hat tip to reader three elle, I gotta agree — it is great living in a state that continually tries to give a big pot smoking, gay marrying, middle finger to the Federal government. (LAist)
Law firms sometimes operate in the murk between zeal and unethical? Naaaaah. (WSJ Law Blog)
Thanks to rising gas prices, Georgia police are adding a surcharge to folks they have to chase. (BBC News)
A law banning annoying people while the Pope is in town is the first step to a brilliant law always banning annoying people. Rock on, Sydney. (Fox News)
The exorcisms at night, can be a rough fright … deep in the heart of Texas!
The Texas Supreme Court has basically ruled that it’s ok for a church to beat the shit out of a girl in the name of exorcism:
In a 6-3 decision, the justices found that a lower court erred when it said the Pleasant Glade Assembly of God’s First Amendment rights regarding freedom of religion did not prevent the church from being held liable for mental distress triggered by a “hyper-spiritualistic environment.”
Laura Schubert testified in 2002 that she was cut and bruised and later experienced hallucinations after the church members’ actions in 1996, when she was 17. Schubert said she was pinned to the floor for hours and received carpet burns during the exorcism, the Austin American-Statesman reported. She also said the incident led her to mutilate herself and attempt suicide. She eventually sought psychiatric help.
But the church’s attorneys had told jurors that her psychological problems were caused by traumatic events she witnessed with her missionary parents in Africa. The church contended she “freaked out” about following her father’s life as a missionary and was acting out to gain attention.
The 2002 trial of the case never touched on the religious aspects, and a Tarrant County jury found the Colleyville church and its members liable for abusing and falsely imprisoning the girl. The jury awarded her $300,000, though the 2nd Court of Appeals in Fort Worth later reduced the verdict to $188,000.
Justice David Medina wrote that finding the church liable “would have an unconstitutional ‘chilling effect’ by compelling the church to abandon core principles of its religious beliefs.”
Thank god they’re so fucking stupid…
How many times do we hear about stupid kiddy porn lovers who get busted because they leave their sick, illegal crap on their computers when they take them in to get worked on? Yeah, well 57-year-old Peter Macdonald is now a proud member of that fraternity. The moron took his computer into a local Kansas tech store to have a new hard drive installed. When technicians fired up the computer, they didn’t even have to be nosy to find the kiddy porn — Old (sicko) Macdonald had a fucking porno picture of a young boy set as the frigging background on his desktop. Game, set, match.
Scumbag is now facing up to 7 years in the clink.
‘Scuse me — you got change for thirty grand?
Poor Rodney Dennis. As if it wasn’t bad enough that the dude was a city employee stuck with the crappy job of emptying parking meters, the city he happened to work in was Newark, New Jersey. I mean, have you ever been to New Jersey, particularly Newark? Miserable, I’ll tell you what.
So I get why Dennis would want to do whatever the hell he could to get himself a better life. And if that “whatever the hell he could” happens to be stealing over thirty grand in coins, so be it. Unfortunately for Dennis, the NJ authorities don’t quite see it that way, and he’s now been indicted with official misconduct and theft (which is on top of the fact that he was fired back in February).
And for those who are curious, turns out that thirty grand worth of quarters stack up to about 700 feet. Fox News, reporting the hard facts!
Girls don’t make passes…
In an incident that could easily be on the next episode of “Reno 911!,” an actual Reno, Nevada prostitute hops into a car looking to make a quick deal, completely ignoring the fact that it is a cop car. True, the detective was in plain clothes and the car unmarked, but the police radio was blaring (she even had to scream in order to be heard over it), and the emergency lights were on the dash.
But, unlike other cases of criminals lacking situational awareness, she had a logical and sound reason for doubting the apparent proof of the cop’s identity:
“You wear glasses, and I didn’t think police could wear them,” she told him.
I heard that, if you think a guy is an undercover, you should ask him if he is a cop three times. He can’t lie on the third time. You don’t think that one is fake too, do you?
Vampires drink blood to stay alive, but what do pedophiles drink?
In at least one instance. Well. Uhm … kiddie piss.
Fifty-six-year-old Alan D. Patton, an admitted child molester, has been arrested for trying to collect piss from a men’s restroom because he apparently want to drink little boy piss.
And he’s been busted for this before.
Patton’s lawyer says that he suffers from urophilia, an “illness” involving sexual gratification and piss.
Awww … poor guy. See, he’s just sick. Hopelessly and derangedly sick.
For the curious among you, here was Patton’s simplistic collection methodology: “Patton was found in a men’s restroom where he had allegedly covered toilet seats in plastic wrap, shut off water to urinals and placed Styrofoam cups in them.” Then, just lurk and wait and, before you know it, fresh kiddie pee.
This wonderful specimen of a man has a great history too, from 1994’s conviction for sexually assaulting four young boys, to five other arrests for voyeurism and public indecency, among other things, to a 2006 arrest for trying to collect piss at a movie theater.
Where the fuck is Three Strikes when you need it?
(Hat tip to a “long time reader, first time tipster” who requested anonymity. No wonder — who wants to be associated with this scumbag?)
Shitting Myself … Adventures Before the Ninth Circuit
With the Supremes’ latest term at a close, it should come as little surprise that, yet again, the Ninth Circuit was reversed like a mother fucker. The Supremes absolutely loathe the crazy and wacky decisions that come out of the country’s biggest appellate circuit and, this term, eight of the ten Ninth Circuit cases that came before the Big Court were reversed. Interestingly, it’s not always (stricly) about political lines, as Judge Pamela Rymer had the distinction of being overturned twice this term, despite being a conservative Bush Sr. appointee.
This story serves as the perfect way to make a little confession. See, I’m a pretty even-keeled guy. Little makes me truly nervous or really gets under my skin. But I recently learned that it looks like I’m going to get to argue a pro bono case before the Ninth Circuit in just over a month and I’m not afraid to admit that, while I’m excited as hell about it, it also kind of scares the shit out of me. I’ve argued before federal and state trial courts countless times, and while I get a little of the excited-nerves sometimes, I’m never truly jittery. Just last month, I basically got my ass handed to me for a half-hour by a Magistrate judge, and it was kinda fun more than nerve-wracking or anything else.
But this. I’m doing everything I can to keep my bowels from fucking exploding, man. I know the case and the facts as well as one can. But I think what scares me most is that there’s a ton of relevant case law, and I have a piss-poor fucking memory. And I know that I need to cram as much of this shit into my head as possible, so that I can pull out whatever I need during the oral argument if I have a particularly “hot” bench (that is, one that asks lots of questions).
I’ll try to blog more about the experience over the coming month (or, at least, after the fact), although as busy as I am at work in addition to having to prepare for this oral argument, I’m not sure how much time I’ll have for that. Not to mention all the pairs of drawers I’m going to have to clean.
The Daily Memo - 7/1/08
Blawg Review #166 is coming at us from the other side of the pond courtesy of QuizLaw’s favorite British
vulgarian legal blogger. (GeekLawyer)
The Scalia says it’s Gore’s fault the Supremes had to pick the President in 2000. And, well, he’s not totally wrong. (WSJ Law Blog)
A NY Supreme Court judge didn’t love, so much, her 25 years on the bench. (Above the Law)
If it weren’t for the Ninth Circuit, we’d never know that Congress has never done us a solid by defining what a “live tree” is. (May It Please the Court)
Whatever man — Legal Sea Foods is way overrated. (WSJ Law Blog)
How sweet it is…. (43(B)log)
How to Get Your Parole Revoked, 201
Hello class. For those of you who don’t know what you’ve signed up for, this course is pretty straightforward. We’re going to talk about what to do when you’re released from prison and just want to get back. Last semester, we talked about the easy way to get parole revoked, by simply not showing up to meet with your parole officer. But that’s boring. There’s no art to it, no panache. To take it to the next level, you have to get creative.
Marcus George, a 20-year-old Arkansas parolee, is the perfect example. When George decided he wanted to go back to prison, he didn’t just skip out on his parole. Nah, that’s fucking kid’s play. Instead, George did show up to meet with his parole officer, only he did so in a stolen car. So now he gets to return to jail with some shiny new convictions pending. Whatever with your broken parole — this is how to get things done kids.
Everyone go home and study by thinking of the best type of criminal evidence you could present to your parole officer in the hopes of getting re-arrested. Class dismissed.
How to Get Out of a Speeding Ticket, 201
Hello class. Last semester, you learned about some of the basic ways to get out of a speeding ticket. Be polite and truthful, maybe have a pretty lady sitting in the passenger seat who can bat her eyelashes at the manly Mr. Police Officer, etc. But that’s kid’s play. Now we’re getting into the real shit.
Today, I’d like to tell you about Jacob Lévy, a Canadian rabbi. Lévy was recently in municipal court to fight the ticket he got for speeding down a road at 120 km/hour. He explained to the court that this speed was reasonable and necessary because he was rushing to help out in a medical emergency, namely, a baby boy who was bleeding as a result of a circumcision gone awry. The court agreed that this established the “necessity” of his speeding, and Lévy’s ticket was quashed.
So today’s lesson is this — penis threats always justify speeding. Class dismissed.
OK, maybe Florida isn’t entirely worthless
…After all, this “Brothel Bus” sounds pretty solid. For $40, folks could ride a sleek bus down Collins Ave, complete with open bar, lap dances, a curtained-off VIP section and a bit of sucky-sucky or fucky-fucky (everything but the open bar cost extra, of course). But the good time ride is over, now that undercover cops have busted the not-so-free ride.
The bus driver was charged with transporting for the purpose of prostitution and possession of a controlled substance (he had some Viagra on him, presumably for customers having trouble getting their Miami beached). But I love what the six women on the bus were charged with — violating a dance hall ordinance. It’s like fucking Flashdance all over again, man!
(Hat tip to Harlan over at Supreme Dicta.)