« June 2008 | Main | August 2008 »
Monthly Archives: July 2008
Bar Exam Quote of the Day …
I apologize to Lat, but I had to steal this from his comments section, which may be one of the most apt things I’ve ever read.
I’ve gone to both harvard and yale, and i must say this to every douchebag that wore a YALE or HARVARD shirt to BOTH days of the ny bar: seriously, you’re pathetic. i’m surprised you didn’t break out the cravath swag.
if i had to see one more giant blue YALE hoodie i was going to vomit and call dick levin myself and have him revoke all your god damned degrees.
and to the 25 guys wearing harvard university bright red shorts: you’re already fat. your asses just look like giant crimson targets in that shit. retch.
Otherwise, congrats to all those who are finally finished with the damn thing. At least until February. And to any of you who came out of the exam high-fiving, exclaiming, “That was easy!” Well: You’re doing it wrong, buddy. I don’t care who you are or what school you went to or how much you studied, if you thought the bar was easy, then you’re too fucking dumb to recognize everything you missed. And if you were doing it to overcompensate for your own inadequacy: Pull your head out of your ass. No one’s buying it.
You Be the Judge
Do the images above jibe with the Kerry camp’s description of them?
As Sen. Kerry and two friends left dinner at the Straight Warf restaurant on Nantucket and walked down the dock, a large group on a boat recognized Senator Kerry and asked if they could have a photo taken. The group came off the boat and onto the dock, took a photo with Sen. Kerry and his friends, and then Sen. Kerry and his two friends immediately walked away. End of story,
If anything, the “immediately walked away” part seems a little incongruous. And where are his “two friends.” Maybe they immediately walked away.
Who’s got two thumbs and a mugshot?
This guy!
(God bless you, The Smoking Gun, forever and ever.)
The Daily Memo - 7/31/08
Suck it Rove. (TPMMuckracker)
Aw man … we were that close to some good Ninth Circuit shenanigans at Monday’s Judicial Conference cocktail party. (Law.com)
Big, fat, angry producer Harvey Weinstein testified that Tim Gun was a paid a big, fat, angry $0 for his first season on “Project Runway.” (Defamer)
That fucking hippie Barney Frank is pushing for the Feds to stop busting folks carrying weed for their own tokey tokey. (CNN)
Many lawyers jump ship only to ask for a rope. (Law.com)
Department of Energy … Standford’s high-energy physics lab … fight! (SFGate)
If Obama is Britney Spears, I Guess that Makes McCain Flo from “Alice”
In other words: An old, half-crazy, irrelevant little bitch who is grasping at straws.
Classy McCain. Real fucking classy. Kiss my grits, Johnny Apeshit.
“Can I get a raise in my allowance?”
Things got interesting during a recent pizza restaurant heist down in Texas. See, a clerk struck the robber, “knocking him out and knocking off his wig and sunglasses.” And that’s when another clerk realized that the robber was her father.
The Denton Record-Chronicle reported that Stephanie Martinez didn’t know her parents and husband planned to rob the Pizza Patron where she works in the 100 block of East University Drive.
Martinez told NBC 5 the robbery surprised her as much as anyone else.
“I know people might think I had something to do with it, but trust me, it was as shocking as it was for other people,” she said.
Rappers or Republicans?
That game’s hard, son.
Well who could’ve seen this coming?
Up in Northern California, these three guys met some gals in a park. The women told the men they were looking for some fun, so the group wandered over to a nearby motel, where the guys got a room. Once there, the men took off their clothes, ready for a good time.
That good time came in the form of four men storming the room and jacking the three chumps for about $800. And the kicker:
One of the victims ran from the motel room early Thursday, leading to 911 calls about a nude man in the area.
Which makes me think of Frank the Tank which, in turn, makes me giggle. Good times.
I Had No Idea Jon Voight Rode the Crazy Train!
Who knew? I’d always pegged Voight as a grumpier version of Christopher Walken, which is to say, harmlessly batty. Turns out, he’s kind of evil. And paranoid, or so an op-ed piece he wrote for The Washington Times suggests. Here’s a taste:
We, as parents, are well aware of the importance of our teachers who teach and program our children. We also know how important it is for our children to play with good-thinking children growing up.
What the hell is a good-thinking child? And can I find the school where teachers program children, cause I’d like to program mine to stop watching Elmo. It could also come in handy, later, when I could get them to program him into being the shortstop for the Boston Red Sox.
Here’s some more crazy:
The Democratic Party, in its quest for power, has managed a propaganda campaign with subliminal messages, creating a God-like figure in a man who falls short in every way. It seems to me that if Mr. Obama wins the presidential election, then Messrs. Farrakhan, Wright, Ayers and Pfleger will gain power for their need to demoralize this country and help create a socialist America.
The Democrats have targeted young people, knowing how easy it is to bring forth whatever is needed to program their minds. I know this process well.
Those subliminal messages must be working if Voight thinks he’s a God-like figure. I just thought he was handsome and well-spoken. And there he goes again with the mind-control. What’s up, Voight? You’ve been watching too much “X-Files,” old man. Step away from the batshit, grandpa.
Hmph. I don’t think I’m going to watch Anaconda anymore. Nah — who am I kidding? Not even a shit-stirring, Academy-Award winning wingnut clown could keep me away from Anaconda. He strangled Kari Wuhr to death with his thighs! What an awesome old coot!
Those Wily HMOs
Out in Oregon, the state-run health plan has figured out a novel way to help cut down on expenses. Kill the patient! It seems that, in some cases, the health plan won’t cover expensive medical treatments, but it will cover physician assisted suicide. Why? Probably cause it’s cheap.
The conflict came to light in a recent report in The Register-Guard of Eugene. The newspaper described the sad plight of Barbara Wagner, a 64-year-old Springfield woman with lung cancer.
After her oncologist prescribed a cancer drug that would cost $4,000 a month, the newspaper reported, “Wagner was notified that the Oregon Health Plan wouldn’t cover the treatment, but that it would cover palliative, or comfort, care, including, if she chose, doctor-assisted suicide.”
That presents an unacceptable conflict. The state health program should not be in the position of denying chemotherapy to terminally ill patients while offering to pay the cost of helping them die.
I don’t see a conflict here! I just see a creative solution to curing this woman from cancer. It’s like my old man used to say whenever I told him my head hurt: “Well cut that thing off, boy.” It would’ve been so much cheaper than a lifetime’s worth of aspirin.
Great News, Gay and Lesbian Texans!
Soon, you’ll be able to travel outside of your queer-hating hometown and visit the gay-friendly state of Massachusetts, order yourself up one of them marriage licenses, and get legally hitched to your same-flavored partner. You can even visit a replica of the Mayflower on your honeymoon ($12 admission). By a whopping vote of 1 billion to 3, the Massachusetts State Legislature voted to repeal an archaic 1913 law which banned marriages not considered legal in the couple’s home state. The governor, whose daughter just revealed that she’s a lesbian, has said he’ll sign to repeal the measure.
Now, if I can just get Massachusetts to recognize mixed-sex polygamy, the wife and I can finally legally invite Ryan Reynolds (pictured) into our marriage (currently, he’s illegally living in the lair below our house — and those chains were his idea, not ours. No, really).
The Daily Memo - 7/30/08
Earthquake + “Judge Judy” = best episode of the show ever. (LA Metblogs)
The value of an LLM degree? The paper it’s written on. (Above the Law)
One of the Supremes’ last cases of the term is getting a little after-the-fact love. (Slate)
A lawyer’s been banned from a floor of an Atlanta courtroom because of his “racist and disrespectful behavior to court staff.” (Law.com)
Seems a former Philly news anchor likes himself some hacked co-anchor e-mails. (Above the Law)
The DC Circuit has opened to door to a block of the Whole Foods-Wild Oats merger. (WSJ Law Blog)
Well at least their babies won’t be getting any diaper rash
Recently, Spanish police seized a shit load of cocaine in various drug busts — well over 100 kilos of the white powder. As they were done with whatever they needed to use the evidence for, the cops were getting ready to destroy the seized drugs and, per their usual policy, they conducted a final substance analysis. Which, as a spokesman explained it, “revealed that the substance was not drugs but a harmless material resembling the drug, like talcum powder.”
Yeah. Ninety-five percent of the coke stash, with an estimated black market value of about $8 million) was stolen and replaced with powder. Unsurprisingly, they think it was an inside job either by regular visitors or even some cops.
What the hell kind of ramshackle operation are they running over in Madrid, where somebody can make off with 100 keys of coke no problem, replacing them all with powder? I mean, Jesus.
Shake shake shake … shake shake shake … shake your booty!
So as many of you likely know, we had ourselves a little ol’ earthquake here in Southern California yesterday. I was at work at the time, and it actually felt a bit bigger than it was (not that a 5.4 is nothing), since all the big high-rises are built on rollers or shock absorbers, so they shake or jostle a bit more than normal buildings (it’s better than falling down, you see). Anyway, we got to see several East Coast summer associates pop their earthquake cherry, so that was nice.
And while we were all standing around the doorways waiting for any aftershocks, we realized that this was a real pisser for those folks taking the Cali bar, especially since there’s a big test site in Ontario, CA, only about 10 miles away from the epicenter. While she was further away from the quake than that, three elle commented yesterday with her earthquake experience and it seemed worthy of its own entry. So here ya’ go:
I was at the Century City exam. No evacuations. In fact, nothing exciting happened in my room, except the earthquake itself, and I’m a seasoned earthquake veteran. Apparently, in one of the other rooms, little parts of the ceiling/chandelier fell, and freaked some people out (especially the out of state kids who had never been in an earthquake). There are even stories of at least one person sitting there, typing, with tears rolling down her cheeks.
Anyways, I felt it was my duty to give ya’ll an eyewitness account of the mayhem.
One down, two days to go!
Thanks for the update, and good lock to all of y’all still suffering through the joy of the bar exam.
Next stop, crazy town
Eighteen-year-old James Harris is fucking weird. Apparently, he made friends with several transit employees because he is, as an assistant director for Miami bus operations describes him, “a real transit freak.” He used this friendship to get an actual bus driver uniform and then in early June, he took advantage of owning this uniform:
On June 1st, wearing an employee’s hat low over his face and a pair of sunglasses, Harris was able to bypass security at a transit depot and steal a bus.
Harris, dressed in his smart-looking uniform, then spent the next few hours driving the bus down its actual route, picking up passengers along the way. He collected fares, drove the speed limit, and dropped passengers off at their stops.
At the end of his “shift,” Harris returned the undamaged bus to the depot. Police have no indication that he kept any of the fares. Nor did any of his passengers complain.
The teen was later caught and charged with burglary and grand theft.
But this takes place in Florida, and the story, so far, just doesn’t reach the heights of Florida-worthy bizarre. But the fact that Harris did this again, two weeks after being released on bail? Yeah, that gets us there. This time, he took the bus on a thirty mile trip, and it’s unclear whether he picked up fares this time. But it is clear, thanks to a security camera, that at one point Harris pulled the bus over to the side of a road and hopped out to make out with another man. While the cops eventually found the bus, Harris had vanished like a fart in the wind and hasn’t been heard from or seen since.
The assistant director for bus operations says that Harris is “totally dreaming at this point — he’s fantasizing he’s a bus operation, he wants to be one so bad.” Which of course begs the question, why go through all this rather than just applying to be a bus driver? The answer, of course, is that things in Florida don’t go from A to B to C. They go from A to Purple to Steak.
(Hat tip to the Blawg Review’s anonymous editor.)
Suck it, cops!
Back in April, I wrote about a Portland cop who was being taken to traffic court by a private citizen because he parked in a “no parking” zone while picking up some take-out Chinese food. Reader Allison C. wrote in to let us know that there’s an update to the story as the traffic court judge has said that Officer Stensgaard isn’t above the law, and he’ll have to pay a $35 fine like the rest of us:
Lawyers for [Officer] Stensgaard argued he was justified in parking outside the restaurant because his patrol car contained guns and expensive equipment that could be dangerous if it fell into the wrong hands. But the judge ruled that while he felt the officer had acted reasonably, the parking laws apply to everyone. Including cops.
And check out this picture of the attorney who brought the citizen’s claim against Stensgaard using diagrams to bring the po-lice down:
R U 4 Real?
Jimmy Baskets! What the hell kind of lobbyists are forcing this law to be pushed by state reps in Illinois?
The Illinois General Assembly bill, also known as HB 4520, was introduced in January by Rep. Ken Dunkin (D- Chicago), who then insisted: “This legislation is not laughable. On the surface it’s like, ‘Oh wow, what is this?’ But it’s becoming more and more of a common problem with people haplessly crossing an intersection and almost killing themselves.”
Under the proposed law, Illinois residents would get slapped with a misdemeanor and a $25 fine if caught using a cell phone or other wireless device while traversing streets.
I don’t understand why lawmakers just don’t allow natural selection to sort it all out. We can save on the costs of water, too, by simply washing streets with the blood of the dead. The hundreds of thousands who will undoubtedly fall prey to the business end of a Prius if this law is not passed.
Personally, I think they ought to make it illegal to drunk text, if only for my own sake. True story: Three years ago, having never texted before, I made my virgin attempt while in Vegas, drunk. It was a new phone, so I had only three numbers on it. I later learned that the number I texted, unfortunately, was not my wife. My roofer, however, will always believe that I am madly in love with him.
I have two questions…
One, did the shirt work? Two, if he did get out, did he go to Park Place or Baltic Avenue?
(From The Smoking Gun, of course.)
The Daily Memo - 7/29/08
ATL has posted blurbs from the finalists in the running to be the site’s new editor, and please dear god, just don’t let it be “Arnie Becker,” who sounds square as a fucking Rubik’s Cube … not that any of the rest are particularly enticing. (Above the Law)
Is John McCain starting “to aggressively court the white vote?” (The Huffington Post)
The D.C. Circuit has ruled that sex disorders are covered by federal anti-discrimination laws. (Law.com)
A new report says that Monica Goodling illegally influenced the Justice Department’s hiring policy. Classy broad. (LawInfo)
That lawyer who sued the newspaper for making cutbacks after he had renewed his subscription has dropped his pro se suit. (WSJ Law Blog)
Seems that Bank of America fucked up and let an identity thief make off with forty grand of some poor schlub’s cash. (Consumerist)
“…I can shoot it if I want.”
When the “it” is your lawn mower, it turns out you cannot. Milwaukee’s Keith Walendowski has been arrested and charged with illegal possession of a sawed-off shotgun and disorderly conduct. It all stems from a morning of drinking after which Walendowski tried to start up his lawn mower. When the thing wouldn’t start:
“I got pissed because my lawn mower wouldn’t start, so I got my shotgun and shot it.
“I can do that. It’s my lawn mower and my yard, so I can shoot it if I want,” Walendowski told police.
Since that’s not quite the case, he was arrested and now faces up to six years in the clink.
The article ends with an amusing aside:
Dick Wagner of Wagner’s Garden Mart, 6075 N. Green Bay Ave.in Glendale, said shooting the mower didn’t help Walendowski’s odds of getting it repaired.
“Anything not factory recommended would void the warranty,” he said.
So a shotgun blast to the mower isn’t factory recommended? They really should put that shit in the manual.
(Hat tip to reader Byron P.)
It’s like Heath Ledger is still with us
Twenty-year-old Spencer Taylor has been arrested and charged with larceny and malicious destruction of property for trying to steal movie posters and other The Dark Knight-related things from a movie theater while wearing an ever-so-clever disguise:
If You Can’t Say Anything Nice, Don’t Say Anything At All
You just stop me when I say something that’s not nice: Columnist Robert Novak has been diagnosed with a brain tumor, only days after he ran over a homeless man in his sports car and drove away (a bicyclist flagged him down to tell him he had a homeless man on the windshield of his car).
Novak will be suspending his journalistic work while he treats the cancer.
I would never wish brain cancer on anyone. But if I were forced to pick and choose …
Good Luck, Bar Takers
It’s a special day for the country’s future lawyers — over the next two to three days, thousands of recent law graduates will take the bar exam. Most will pass, some will not. Somewhere, in some state, at least one person will freak the fuck out during the exam. That person will then become part of bar exam lore, an anecdote passed down from bar taker to bar taker to make them feel better about their chances.
My wife is one of those bar takers, today. It’s been a rough two months in our household, compounded by a move and a one-year old kid, who has had to suffer with his father as the main caretaker for the last eight weeks. Poor kid is lucky to get out of it alive. And pass or fail, one thing is certain: By 4 p.m., tomorrow, it’ll all be over. Dinners that entail conversations about the elements of battery, the late night cramming, and the frequent melt-downs and freak-outs will finally be over. The Bar-Bri books will no longer litter my house with their foul greenness. And, more importantly for my wife and all the bar-takers out there in QuizLaw land: You can finally forget everything you ever learned in law school and studying for the bar, and get down to the business of being a lawyer.
Good luck.
Oliver Stone: Where Politics and Cinema Intersect
Here’s the trailer for Oliver Stone’s upcoming flick on George Bush’s younger years, W. I’m sure it’s full of rumor, innuendo, hyperbole, and all sorts of made up shit. But, I can’t wait to see it.
McCain 2008: Like Hope, But Different
The best campaign video in months. Fo shiz.
Here I Go Again On My Own … Woopsie
If you decide to drive away while your wife is on your car, make sure she’s on the hood and wearing a white-see through dress and heels.
A Long Island man has been charged with driving from home drunk with his wife on the roof of their car, throwing her to the ground and seriously injuring her.Suffolk County police said Diamond Mircea was fighting with his wife, Monica Mircea, at their Islip Terrace home around 12:30 Sunday morning. They said he jumped into the car and she climbed onto the car’s roof to try to stop him.
Police said the husband drove one block before his wife fell to the street and hit her head.
The wife is hospitalized in critical condition.
The husband has been charged with vehicular assault and driving while intoxicated. He’s been jailed pending arraignment Monday.
Tawny Kitaen to Injured Woman: “What a P*ssy!”
Waiting on love … sweet charity!
I Was Gonna Live In a Van Down by the River, but Buying a House was Cheaper
Crazy-ass statistic of the day:
Average house prices in Detroit: $19,448.
Average price of a car: $22,650.
Too bad the houses don’t have wheels; if you could move them half an hour away to Ann Arbor, the value would multiply by 12.
If I were Michael Bay, I might consider buying the entire city of Detroit and blowing it up — it’d be a cool special effect, and it’d be cheaper than CGI.
(H/T Galley Slaves)
The Daily Memo - 7/28/08
Wait — so a summer associate makes out with a partner and the punishment is that two other summer associates who make out with each other are fired? Law firm life — gotta love it! (Above the Law)
Blawg Review #140 is celebrating the 14th Amendment. (Simple Justice)
Could there be a mistrial in the Bratz trial because a juror was booted for being making ethnic slurs? (WSJ Law Blog)
Oh yeah, I forgot that Phil Spector had a wonderful retrial coming up. (LawInfo)
Trans fat is on its way out of California. (LAist)
The FCC has approved the XM/Sirius merger… (Washington Post)
…And it’s also ready to punish Comcast. (Yahoo! News)
Loose, footloose, kick off your Sunday shoes….
An 18-year-old Wisconsin man was recently arrested for dancing. In a roundabout way.
Seems that Jeffery G. Holm Jr. was at a local city festival and was getting his groove on. Thing is, Holm’s dancing was terrible. A security officer at the festival noticed the bad dancing, and it was apparently so bad that he decided Holm must have been either high as s kite or drunk as a skunk. So the security guy pointed Holm out to some local cops, who approached Holm. Holm stunk like weed, which led to a search, which led to the cops finding some weed and a pipe on Holm, which led to an arrest, and so the story goes.
The best part about this story, however, is that it didn’t just happen to take place anywhere in Wisconsin. No sir, it took place in Sheboygan. Mother fuck, I will never get tired of that city’s name.
Mmmm … tastes like shitty legislation
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Enforcement of Intellectual Property Rights Act of 2008. This piece of shit was introduced into the Senate last week, and it combines pieces of two prior IP bills, the PRO-IP Act and the PIRATE Act. In a nutshell:
The law would increase penalties for counterfeiting, empower federal prosecutors to bring civil suits against copyright infringers, create a federal copyright czar to coordinate IP enforcement, and provide for the seizure of property used to violate copyrights and trademarks.
This bill is full of bad things. The “copyright czar” is some person who will coordinate various federal agencies to bring private copyright infringement actions and, as a commentor on Slashdot put it, will basically do the RIAA’s job for them. ArsTechnica explains some of the other bad things about this legislation:
Some of the strongest criticism of PRO-IP has been directed at a provision, replicated here, that would allow for the seizure of “property used, or intended to be used, in any manner or part to commit or facilitate” a copyright or trademark infringement. While this language is presumably meant to target the equipment used by commercial bootlegging operations, it would also appear to cover, for example, the computer used to BitTorrent a movie or album.
The new bill also incorporates the idea at the core of the PIRATE Act, by permitting federal prosecutors to bring civil suits against copyright infringers. (While these suits would not preclude action by the copyright owner, any restitution to the owner under a government suit would be subtracted from the damages that could be obtained by private action.) Since 1997, prosecutors have had the authority to bring criminal copyright charges against large-scale infringers. But that power remains little-used, in part because of the high evidentiary burden prosecutors must meet in criminal cases; civil suits employ a less stringent “preponderance of the evidence” standard.
Fox News = White House Mouthpiece? Shocking!
Actually, as Keith says, even though we all kinda knew this, knowing it is a little shocking anyways.
Mmmm … tastes like chicken
Ryan Halverson was arrested for public intoxication. He was hauled off to the local clink by police Sgt. Jay Newton. Newton was taking things out of Halverson’s pockets to book him, when the clearly still drunk Halverson leaned over and licked Newton’s cheek. He apparently liked the taste, as he reached in for a second lick, which Newton dodged.
And now, poor drunken Halverson is not just facing that public intoxication charge, but a charge of assault on an officer.
The licking could be serious, [police chief Jeff] Pynes said, because it could spread various diseases to the officer.
“We want people to like our officers, but not to lick them,” Pynes said.
Since the incident Newton has been talking a lot of ribbing from fellow officers, Pynes said.
“He’s been getting a lot of lollypops in his internal mail,” the chief said.
I get the idea that licking “could be serious.” But charging the guy with assaulting officer? Really?
(Hat tip to reader Jen E.)
The Return of Science Fridays
True, this has nothing to do with the law whatsoever. But I’m going to once again amble into the realm of science because this video is just that fucking cool. Seeing the moon pass over the Earth’s sky is nothing new of course. But seeing it from 31 million miles away? Well, that’s something…
And By the “Natural State,” Of Course They Mean Naturally Racist
Yikes. Arkansas is pulling an entire series of license plates after some dumbass didn’t realize that, well, the initials “NGR” have a certain je ne sais quoi about them (or, as we’d say down in Arkansas, “Jean Said Queef? Huh?”)
Hundreds of these license plates are apparently being pulled because some people are just sooooo sensitive (*eyeroll*). A tiny little racial epithet and the whole state gets bent out of whack. Sheesh. It’s not like plates said “HIK” on them.
Oh, Arkansas. Bless your heart. It’s not your fault you’re so dumb. If I weren’t afraid your homophobic ass wouldn’t shoot me in the face, I’d give you a hug just to make you feel better.
Autism is “A Brat Who Hasn’t Been Told to Cut the Act Out” (Old News, New to Me)
Woah. No. That’s where you’re wrong, Michael Savage. However, your entire radio shtick sounds like a douchebag that hasn’t been told to cut the act out. The tide is turning, though. The advertisers are running. The half-hearted apologies ring empty. And the protesters are growing in numbers.
One week, I’m guessing, before he gets Imused.
What a dick. I hope he gets gangrene of the face and is forced to amputate.
The Daily Memo - 7/25/08
The Governator is planning to lower some state workers’ pay to the federal minimum wage in order to get some money in the state coffers. (LA Metblogs)
Oh Sienna, your Millers have been put out there for all the world to see. Let us enjoy them in lawsuit-free peace and harmony, won’t you? (The Superficial)
“The evolution of law firm lunch.” (Law.com)
No worries, W, I love whatever you wants me to love. (Legal Antics)
One North Carolina newspaper reader has had enough and he ain’t taking it no more. (Supreme Dicta)
Rudi Guiliani’s son is suing Duke to get back on the school’s golf team after being kicked off for a bunch of alleged minor infractions. (WSJ Law Blog)
Dude, man, seriously … don’t bogart the Gerbers
Fucking Texas man. Can’t the teenagers just shoot off guns like good red-blooded, uhm, other Texans? Not if they’re 18-year-old Demetris McCoy, apparently. This wonderful specimen of southern pride has pleaded guilty to two charges of injury to a child and he’s agreed to testify against his co-defendant.
What’s all the hubub about, you ask? Oh, just some stupid little video.
The video shows one teen lighting a marijuana cigarette in the 2-year-old’s mouth, then laughing as the toddler coughs. One teen then tells him to pass it to his brother, who also smokes it and coughs. Parts of the video showed someone calling the children “potheads” and asking if they “have the munchies.”
Drug tests showed the youngsters had marijuana and cocaine in their bodies. When the video was made, the children’s mother was sleeping in another room, police have said. She was not arrested.
The children, their mother, grandmother and McCoy lived together at the time. The children have since been placed in foster care.
I mean. Jesus. Hot boxing some kittens is one thing — that’s just a fun college Thursday night. But toking up toddlers? That’s some Florida shit, sir.
“All roads lead to Gonzales”
The wonderful Dahlia Lithwich and some of her cohorts over at Slate have put together everyone’s favorite diagram — the venn diagram — to break down “who in the Bush Administration broke the law, and who could be prosecuted.” As they explain:
We have tried to sketch out a map of who did what and when, with links to the evidence that is public and notes about what we may learn from investigations that are still pending.
Click on the cute diagram to head over to Slate, where you’ll find that the whole sucker is interactive, with links a-plenty to click on:
Touch my monkey. Love my monkey. But don’t discriminate against my monkey!
Uhm. Yeah.
A southwest Missouri woman has sued Wal-Mart, local health officials and Cox Health Systems, claiming they discriminated against her and her monkey named Richard.
Debby Rose of Springfield said in the lawsuit that the 10-year-old bonnet macaque helps curb a social anxiety disorder that can cause her to have panic attacks in public.
The suit contends the Springfield-Greene County Health Department lacked the authority to decide that Richard is not a service animal under the Americans with Disabilities Act.
Health officials in 2006 sent letters to restaurants and grocery stores, advising them not to let Rose in with the monkey. (Source)
Worst. Prank. Ever!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Firecrotch! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Two practical jokers are behind bars for setting their passed-out drinking buddy’s crotch ablaze while boozing in Grover Beach. Matthew Craig Pillers and Jack Brent Nicholas Keiffer pleaded no contest to a felony great bodily injury charge.
Prosecutors say the 22-year-old Pillers, a parolee, was sentenced to two years in prison and the 19-year-old Keiffer got 45 days in San Luis Obispo County jail.
Elliot Tuleja was passed out when the men poured cologne on the man’s groin and set him on fire on Jan. 18. Tuleja had second-degree burns on his testicles.
30 years! Life sentence! Death penalty! Kill them twice!
You oughtn’t touch a man’s business. Especially with fire.
The Law is the Law. No Excuses!
When is it not OK to leave a parking ticket on a car parked in a restricted zone? When the driver is dead. Sitting in the driver’s seat.
An elderly man was found dead late Tuesday in a parked car that had been ticketed earlier in the day on a street in an unincorporated industrial area near Pico Rivera.
A maintenance worker from the shop who went to investigate said a parking ticket on the car was marked as being written about 11 a.m., said Chantelle Amaya, assistant manager at L.A. Freightliner. “The poor man was out there all day,” Amaya said.
Nobody knows, really, if the man was actually in the car when the ticket was given, but it’s absolutely not being ruled out. The more intriguing part of the story, however, was a reference to a similar incident in Los Angeles last December:
In December, an elderly woman was found in the front passenger seat of a crumpled car in a San Fernando Valley tow yard. The woman had been left in the car for a day after paramedics removed her son from the same vehicle after a crash.
Woah. That’s an oversight.
Honestly, It Was Probably Worth It
How good is The Dark Knight? Good enough to leave your baby in the car to attend a screening:
A dad was booked into jail under suspicion of second-degree child abuse after leaving his son in his car while he watched the midnight showing of “The Dark Knight.” David Farnham, 23, of Salt Lake City left his 2-year-old son inside his car in the parking lot of the Century 16 Theaters on Saturday night.
An onlooker walking by the car at 1:22 a.m. on Sunday saw the baby inside the vehicle crying and sweating profusely, said detective Gary Keller with the South Salt Lake City Police Department.
Farnham rolled the windows up in the car “so the child could not be taken out,” according to a jail booking statement. The temperature inside the vehicle was 87 degrees, the statement added.
Farnham was located inside of the theater and the boy was taken out of the car. The boy was thirsty, but otherwise in good condition, Keller said.
See, dude. This is why God invented duct tape. That way, you can leave the little fella at home, comfortable in the knowledge that he’s not getting into trouble or, you know, revealing your douchebaggery to passers-by.
The Daily Memo - 7/24/08
Sounds like the XM-Sirius merger is going to come down to one FCC commissioner. (Gizmodo)
Fiddy Cent is suing Taco Bell. (WSJ Law Blog)
The 11th Circuit says that the Florida law requiring students to get parental permission to avoid reciting the pledge of allegiance is a-ok, although it’s unconstitutional to make folks stand. (Law.com)
A judge has told the tree-hugging hippies in Berkley to get bent — a new sports center is coming to town! (LawInfo)
Bedroom law. (Concurring Opinions)
Didja know the federal minimum wage is going up 70 cents today? Me neither. But that’s good news. Now tack another four bucks on that sucker, get it over $10, and we’ll be somewhere. (CNN)
But where does Kaos like to dance?
Down in New Zealand, a family court has ordered a kid to be placed under guardianship of the court solely because of her name. The judge said that the name “makes a fool of the child and sets her up with a social disability and handicap.”
The names wasn’t Spiral Cicada, Kaos, Hitler or Cinderella Beauty Blossom. Those names, apparently, are ok to register.
But Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii?
That’s just fucking ridiculous.
…All kidding aside, of course it’s fucking ridiculous. And good on the judge for stepping in and stopping these parents from being asshats. Now, if he could go back and fix that Kaos and Hitler business, he’ll be making some progress.
If they fired folks for this at my firm, I’d up-and-quit in a fucking heartbeat
This has been a relatively disappointing summer, at least from the perspective of summer associate shenanigans. Usually by this point there’s been at least one good summer debacle that’s been e-mailed nationwide. But this year, nada.
Then comes this story — seems that at a recent event for a Minneapolis firm, two female summer associates got drunk and made out. And they were fucking fired for it. There are claims that this was simply the last straw in a “pattern” of poor decision making all summer long (since when is two girls kissing considered “poor” decision making?), while other claims say the firing was solely for the Kiss, while still other claims say these two gals were warned that very day about avoiding drunken shenanigans yet decided to make out anyways.
What. the fuck. ever. I’ve seen some serious over-the-top drunken shenanigans by summer associates, and I’ve only seen someone get fired mid-summer once, way back in the day, and it was legitimately called for — dude bitch slapped a female summer associate. But two chicks making out a little? Jesus Christ, half the girls Dustin and I knew in law school would’ve had their careers ended before they even began if this is were the fucking standard. Which reminds me, if you ever have the “pleasure” of drinking with Dustin or I, ask us about one night in our third year when there was a certain kissing contest going on. We each have separate, but quite amusing, stories from that night.
Did you know that Obama Quest is underway?
Well it is — the legend has begun. And his plane apparently farts flowers, don’t you know:
Assault with a Deadly Peanut?
Yeah. That’s the headline.
Robyn Lee, 23, of Corryville, was charged with aggravated assault after being accused of trying to cram a peanut in the mouth of her allergic neighbor Saturday evening. Lee appeared in court Monday on the peanut charge and a related criminal damaging charge.
According to police and court records, Lee was riding in a car with a neighbor, Shenna Ferguson, just after 6 p.m., when she allegedly tried to put the peanut in Ferguson’s mouth.
“I told her to stop because I was very (allergic) to peanuts,” Ferguson wrote in an affidavit. “She laughed.”
It gets you thinking, doesn’t it? I mean, what if The Dark Knight had a peanut allergy. It’d be like his kryptonite, you know? Supervillians would just pelt him with peanuts. Or slather him with peanut butter and leave him to die. The next movie’s villain could be PB&J, a hyper-maniacal evildoer with a peanut butter fetish. Or Sesame Street’s Mumford: “Ala Peanut Butter sandwiches!”
Yeah. I’m grasping at straws. But it does allow me to present this video nugget of awesome:
John Edwards Has a Mistress (Slow News Day)
Man, didn’t the Democratic National Convention used to take place the last week of July? If it still were, we wouldn’t be forced to resort to tabloids for news for the next few weeks. But, such is the case, and why not? Who doesn’t like made-up shit? Indeed, The National Enquirer, the New York Times of gossip rags, is reporting that John Edwards was spied walking out of the hotel room at 3 a.m. this morning after visiting his mistress and love child. That’s apparently his mistress above, Rielle Hunter. A real cutie, huh?
A months-long NATIONAL ENQUIRER investigation had yielded information that Rielle and Edwards, 54, had arranged to secretly meet afterward and for the ex-senator to spend some time with both his mistress and the love child who he refuses to publicly acknowledge as his own.
The NATIONAL ENQUIRER broke the story of Edwards’ love child scandal last year, when Rielle was still pregnant and Edwards was still considered a strong candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination.
Both parties denied the NATIONAL ENQUIRER report and a close friend of Edwards’ came forward and said he was the father of Rielle’s baby. But sources told the NATIONAL ENQUIRER a far different story - they revealed that Edwards was engineering a massive cover up of his shocking infidelity.
Here’s why I don’t believe the story: 1) Edwards wouldn’t do that to his wife, and 2) Edwards is a stud. If he were also a cad, he could do a helluva lot better than that woman.
Riddle Me This, Huckster?
Why is this news? George Bush is a dumbass, no doubt. But, for once, he’s candid and truthful about Wall Street and the problems with the economy, uses a decent analogy that he actually understands, and for some reason, it’s making national news because he didn’t realize a camera was on?
Dude should speak more when the camera is “off.” He makes a lot more goddamn sense. I really don’t understand where the supposed controversy lies.
Holy Insane, Batman. Mel Gibson’s Dad is a Nutter
… and like all nutters, he’s supporting Ron Paul for president of the United States.
Hey, Hutton: Welcome to July. He dropped out, jackhole. He’s not a candidate. Go sell your crazy somewhere else, like the bottom of an acid vat, you Nazi-loving scum-sucking anal vein.
The Daily Memo - 7/23/08
Reporting from the “law-firm-client smackdown” news front…. (WSJ Law Blog)
Come on Congress — credit cards make college kids’ lives better. (The Huffington Post)
The California courts continue to hate on employees. (Law.com)
With the state of shit today, maybe it’s not such a bad idea to wrap your head around how FDIC insurance works. (WT&E Prof Blog)
The 8th Circuit has ruled on a crazy law school exam-type case about babies switched at birth back in 1946. (WSJ Law Blog)
Well at least you know he doesn’t have a hidden weapon. Unless …
What do cops expect to happen when they pull a car over for a routine traffic stop at eight in the morning?
If they’re in Buffalo, apparently they should expect the driver to hop out of the car, strip down to his undies, and take off into the morning glow. Lovely.
What? I’m-a just-a method actor? …Vaffanculo!
A real-life mobster in Italy has been arrested after he was spotted playing a Godfather-style killer in a Mafia movie.
Film fan Giovani Venosa was cast in a key part for the movie, Gomorra.
But inmates in a Naples jail tipped off police after recognising him when TV showed clips of the movie.
Oh ironic prick, thy name is this guy
Troy King is the AG of Alabama and, apparently, has been a vocal gay-basher for years, including an attempt to flat-out ban homosexuality. So it should come as a surprise to nobody that King “was apparently found by his wife in their bed having sex with a male aide.”
Although the reports are still rumors, there are some details that make the affair seem almost too juicy to be true. For example, the aide with whom Troy King is supposedly the affair was the prom king at Troy University. Some point the finger at Alabama Governor Bob Riley for starting the rumor. This makes sense seeing as Troy King is a potential gubernatorial candidate.
Reader Craig C., who passed the story along to us, had this to say about the lovely Mr. King:
What makes this personally satisfying is that a couple of years ago, this guy issued an opinion to the State Comptroller that essentially overruled an Alabama Supreme Court opinion and cost every attorney who does indigent defense work in the state a big bundle of money by essentially decreasing our fees by 30%.
Prove a Point Somewhere Else, Assholes
Hey! Guess what!
When you go to the zoo, you expect to see monkeys, ducks in a pond. You don’t usually expect to see visitors with handguns.
But you would have, had you visited Zoo Boise Saturday morning.
About 10 members of the local chapter of OpenCarry.org, a national group that advocates for citizens’ rights to openly carry handguns, met there.
After a little confusion at the front desk about whether it’s legal to bring an unconcealed handgun into the zoo - it is - the group bought tickets and sauntered through the front gates like all the other visitors.
That they were no different from all the other visitors was the point the group members were trying to make.
Look, dumbasses. You wanna make a point about handguns laws, do it somewhere that’s not heavily populated with children. Just because you can carry a concealed firearm in front of a bunch of 8-year-olds gawking at monkeys doesn’t mean you should. There’s a better time and place for that bullshit. Like a roller rink, where you can fall on your ass and inadvertently discharge your openly concealed handgun into your ass.
Guess Whose Fault those $4 a Gallon Gas Prices Is?
If you guessed Barack Obama, you win a lollipop.
Indeed, according to John McCain’s new campaign ad, apparently Barack Obama is singularly responsible for the current state of gas prices. Because that’s just how powerful a one-term Senator from Illinois is. And, I suppose, the converse is that John McCain, who has been in the Senate since Alexander the Great ruled the Earth, still doesn’t have the power to prevent Obama from single-handedly raising gas prices, which he does by going to every gas station in America and manually changing the price on the pumps. Because he’s not just the first black major party candidate, he’s also the oil world’s Santa Claus.
Stupidity Prevails in Florida. Again.
A man walks into a bank. Says he has a .45 caliber pistol. Hands a note to the teller requesting cash. The teller hands it over. The man flees.
A little later, he repeats the process in another bank.
Shortly thereafter, the man is arrested.
Why?
For one, his getaway car was a taxi cab.
And second: The notes he handed to tellers demanding cash were written on the back of his own personal checks.
*Sigh*
The Daily Memo - 7/22/08
For some reason, I plum forgot to do a Daily Memo yesterday, so I’ve got links a-plenty for you today….
Fuck dude — I want my firm to rent a monkey for a summer associate event! (Above the Law)
Things not to do when trying to convince a judge you’re not a drunk — post drunken pictures on your Facebook page. (Concurring Opinions)
The best thing to come out of the stupid laws banning bagging pants? (Supreme Dicta)
In Washington, the smell of weed from a car doesn’t give the cops probable cause to conduct a search. (WSJ Law Blog)
“What’s the worst still-current Supreme Court decision?” (Concurring Opinions)
A German company is being sued by Facebook for running a website purportedly ripping off the social site. (Reuters)
Did the NY Times reject a McCain rebuttal editorial because it’s a biased news rag or because it just doesn’t like McCain’s writing? (Drudge Report)
Nice — the Third Circuit told the FCC to fuck off, throwing out the half-million dollar fine levied against CBS over the old “wardrobe malfunction” debacle. (LawInfo)
Things not to say during a traffic stop? But come on, shit this funny just has to be said. (Legal Antics)
No doubt, Mr. Young Customer. No doubt.
Louis Posner, a NYC tax lawyer, has been tossed into the clink. Turns out that “Big Lou” was the proprietor of Big Daddy Lou’s Hot Lap Dance Club, a 7,000 square-foot loft in Hell’s Kitchen where folks could watch sex shows and porn, get some lines from the “house dealer,” nosh on some free cold-cuts, or drop up to five grand to head into a private room for some sex with a porn star.
Posner’s wife was also busted for running the million-dollar-a-year business with him, as were some of the dancers and club-goers. As the NY Post reports:
“It was f- - -ing awesome!” one disappointed young customer told a reporter after showing up outside the padlocked club last night. “This was the greatest establishment.”
What? Youse didn’t know there’s a punch-surcharge for trips to the airport?
This is fucking priceless. Ron Blount is a Philly cab driver, and a “longtime drivers’ advocate.” He’s currently waiting for a court hearing, scheduled for next month, to face charges of false imprisonment and simple assault. There was also an aggravated assault charge, but that was dropped last month. And these charges all stem from an (alleged) incident that took place between Blount and a cab passenger. …In other words, Blount (allegedly) forced a fare to stay in the cab while he beat him.
What makes this priceless?
This is the guy who was just elected president of the brand new Unified Taxi Workers Alliance! The guy who (allegedly) beats his passengers is now the head of the cab union.
I fucking love Philadelphia.
Might as well jump!
So apparently the Canadian cops (not the mounties though, damn it, just the provincial police) pulled over this car for erratic driving. And son of a bitch if it wasn’t David Lee Roth behind the wheel. But he wasn’t drunk, as you might expect — turns out he was having a severe allergic reaction to some nuts. So the cops did the right thing and rushed Diamond Dave to a nearby hospital where he was fixed up all proper-like. He celebrated his newfound health by taking off to a local bar, showing up with women dressed in scrubs on his arms, and he was in such a good mood that he even hopped on stage with a local band to bang out some “Ice Cream Man,” an oldie-but-goodie Van Halen track.
The thing of it is, at the time, Diamond Dave was actually in NYC performing with Van Halen.
Turns out the dude in Canada was a David Lee Roth impersonator, and the cops were so concerned over his health, they never bothered to check his ID.
Naked man hijacks the QuizLaw Mailbag
Catching up with some old e-mails in the QL mailbag, I found two story links from reader Elizabeth S. that are certainly worthy of some QuizLaw attention. First, there’s the brilliant Connecticut criminal who tried to break into an unmarked police car.
While there were two troopers inside the car.
To be fair, the car apparently had tinted windows so it’s possible that the brilliant criminal just didn’t see that the car was occupied, but that doesn’t make the story any less amusing.
Of course, that’s got nothing on this Las Vegas story:
A naked man was arrested Tuesday morning after hijacking a Citizens Area Transit bus.
Las Vegas police said the man, 35-year-old Charles P. Sell, was first seen stealing a beer at the 7-Eleven on the corner of Lamb Boulevard and Washington Avenue about 8 a.m.
An officer arrived at the scene and the man fled, a police spokesman said.
Sell then climbed onto the back of a moving CAT bus traveling east on Washington, broke one of the back windows with his fists, and climbed in.
He threw the driver off the bus and drove it about 200 yards before jumping off, according to police. An officer climbed aboard and stopped it.
Sell was arrested and taken to a hospital for a mental evaluation before being booked at the Clark County Detention Center on felony charges of robbery, grand larceny and malicious destruction of private property, according to police.
He was being held on $14,000 bail.
Police said the man was possibly on drugs during the incident.
Possibly on drugs? You think?
It’s OK, Little Girl. We’re All Terrified of the President
There’s no better way to start the week, really, than watching George Bush make a little girl cry. Run. Ruuuuuuun, little girl.
You Say Obama, I Say Osama!
Ladies and Gentlemen: The website of State Senator Kevin Bryant from the great state of South Carolina!
(H/T Wonkette)
Like Bush on Rice
I don’t know what Pravda is, but I assume it’s Russia’s equivalent of The National Enquirer. In any event, I love their spunk! They don’t just make up small, halfway believable lies, they scorch the earth with bullshit. The scuttlebutt this week? George and Laura are getting a divorce. Here are the highlights:
1) “George and Laura Bush were planning a divorce after the presidential election in the USA.”
2) “George and Laura Bush hardly ever speak to each other. George feels very unhappy and does not want Laura to leave him.”
3) “The divorce will be kept a secret until the president retires.”
4) “George W. Bush has been having an affair with US Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice.”
5) “Laura Bush will reportedly be paid $20 million in case she divorces her husband.”
Awesome. Russian Gossip Rules! And so much more entertaining than communist propaganda.
Yeah. It’s a slow news day.
Right-Wing F*ck Nut Enthusiastic about McCain
James Dobson, evangelical freakshow, leader of Focus on the Family and the man who cites Anne Heche as proof that you can rid yourself of homosexuality, has gone apeshit for McCain!
“I never thought I would hear myself saying this,” Dobson said in a radio broadcast to air Monday. “… While I am not endorsing Senator John McCain, the possibility is there that I might.” (Source)
Woah! Hold back there, feller. That enthusiasm is contagious! You show any more passion for McCain people are going to start thinking you’ve gone gay for him.
Oh, and eat an anus, pillbox.
Stunningly amoral lawyer
With a hattip to Alan Childress over at the Legal Profession Blog comes this tale of a lawyer who interested in both sides of an appeal. Which is, you know, kinda wrong:
Civil defendant-client loses suit due to default judgment from Lawyer’s alleged lack of diligence. Client then sues Lawyer for malpractice and also appeals the default. Lawyer then buys out the plaintiff’s interest on appeal (gets an assignment of the interest from the prior plaintiff, for some “undisclosed consideration”). That’s right: buys into the other side of the appeal and, now represented as a litigant by another attorney in his firm, owns the default judgment if it is upheld. On the other side from his barely-former client, in the appeal!
The Court was, unsurprisingly, unimpressed with this scumbag attorney, finding that his shenanigans “violate[] multiple rules of Professional Conduct as well as the Business and Professions Code.” The Court neglects to mention, however, the serious hutzpah something like this takes, and that should count for something, no?
If I were defending this witness, I’d kiss him!
This deposition transcript comes from a forum posting, so take it with a huge grain of salt, but it’s pretty damn amusing:
Attorney: Remember we still have a trial. There will be some more of it come up then, but no reason to go over it all now. Can’t have it all. You’ll have cut your hair by then, you know.
Witness: You have a thing about my longer hair, don’t you? Are you jealous or what?
(Off-the-record discussion.)
(Exhibit No. 25 marked.)
Witness: Well, you’d probably look better if you shaved it. Anyway, go ahead.
Attorney: I know you would be. I know you would look better if you shaved yours.
Witness: Do you really think so?
Attorney: Yeah, I really do.
Witness: That’s amazing. Your wife doesn’t think so.
(Hat tip to Above the Law.)
The kid makes sense to me…
(From yesterday’s FoxTrot strip, published over at GoComics.)
Why Do Bad Songs Always Stick In Your Brain Like Cancer
Oh, gawd. It’s awful. Awful. And the guitar solo? I felt my bowels loosen. Turn it off. Turn it off, man
But it sure has a catchy social message: “Our Constitution, nation, God under attack. That’s why we can’t vote for a Democrat!”
British Man Arrested for Being Baaaaaaaad
It’s one thing to make sweet, sweet love to a farm animal, but when you have to resort to sheep rape, I think a line has been crossed:
A man arrested in relation to violent sex attacks on sheep must not enter any London farmyard areas as part of his bail conditions. The move follows several complaints made to officers about a man molesting sheep in May and June.
Witnesses reported a tall black man sexually assaulting sheep before running off, often leaving clothing at the scene. Two joggers became suspicious when the man was spotted pulling up his trousers as he stood near a sheep that was lying on the ground.
Reports that the suspect took photographs of the animals before the attacks are also being investigated.
Hat Tip to Julia for the link, and the punchline: “She really is very attractive considering.” Agreed. That is a hot piece of sheep ass. But if the sheep rapist doesn’t watch himself, he’s going to learn the hard way how vicious sheep can be:
I Dig San Francisco’s Sense of Humor
The best jokes are the ridiculously elaborate ones that come at taxpayer’s expense:
A San Francisco measure seeking to commemorate President Bush’s years in office by slapping his name on a city sewage plant has qualified for the November ballot.
The measure certified Thursday would rename the Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant the George W. Bush Sewage Plant.
Backers said the idea is to commemorate the mess they claim Bush has left behind by actions such as the war in Iraq.
Local Republicans contend the plan stinks and said they would oppose it.
Get it? Cause Bush was a shitty President! Get it? Get it?
I bet it passes, too. And then those poor schmucks who work there will forever have to tell people they are employed by Bush Sewage.
[Seth here, just to add what I think is the best part of this story — the SF Public Utilities Commission spokesman suggests that they’re against this because the plant is anything but a symbol of inadequacy: “The plant that they’re seeking to rename really offers extraordinary environmental benefits. Without it, raw sewage and storm water would flow into the bay and the oceans and the streets. That’s not