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Monthly Archives: August 2008

In Case You Missed It …

As we go into the weekend, watch it for the first time, or relive the best convention speech ever delivered all over again.

Weep, bitches. Weep!

Have a great holiday, folks.


Will Someone, Please, Scratch This Guy’s Nuts for Him?

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The Daily Memo - 8/29/08

check.jpgI couldn’t even read this article, because the awesome clown picture kept distracting me and, yeah I’ll admit it, making me cower in the corner of the room. He a scary clown! (Above the Law)

check.jpgHmmmm. This guy liked TNT’s new “Raising the Bar.” Dustin will be reviewing it on Pajiba on Monday and he was decidedly less a fan, telling me “it’s no damn good.” (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgWhat are some of the possible legal implications of an Obama/Biden administration? (FindLaw)

check.jpgFuck yeah, esse! Taco trucks in LA don’t need to go roving anymore. (WSJ Law Blog)

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En gard!

fencing.jpgOk — this is a great story about a foursome that hooked up for some orgy fun but wound up with one of the men in a hospital and the other male behind bars. You should give it a read, but the long and short of it is that Daniel Dinga was arrested for attacking Cesar Salinas. The highlight of the article, discussing the criminal complaint, is this:

During the group sex, something — the complaint does not say what — caused a falling out between the two men.
“At one point while the four were engaged in sex in the bedroom, Salinas started arguing with the defendant and the two men started pushing each other while still naked,” the complaint says.

Uhm, does QuizLaw need to paint a picture for you as to what caused the “falling out?” Two words — crossed swords.


Here’s Your Republican V.P. Pick

capt.1b8e7bf6280b4fde904b3ef87c9ff9c4.cvn_mccain_veepstakes__ny108.jpgWell, she’s pretty. In fact, she was the runner-up in a Ms. Alaska contest. Also, according to Wikipedia, “she hunts, eats moose burgers, ice fishes, rides snowmobiles, and owns a float plane. Palin holds a lifetime membership with the National Rifle Association. She admits that she used marijuana when it was legal in Alaska, but says that she did not like it.”

Didn’t like it?

But Alaska? And really: McCain is trying to win over Hillary supporters after the speech Hillary delivered this week, after Obama’s speech last night? I don’t think there are any Hillary Clinton supporters left to win over.

Interesting choice. But, really: Not a bad one. Just kind of … huh?

Mc’Alin 08?

Update: What the Sam Hell? Did anyone listen to her speech? Good Lord — “SNL” is gonna have a field day with her. They should bring back Cheri Oteri, put her in a cheerleader outfit, and have her play this woman. She actually sounded like a PTA Mom.

So out of her league.

She had a baby — her fifth — in April. A baby with Down’s Syndrome. And she went back to work three days later. I am as feminist as they come, but shit on a cracker: You need to stay home and hug that baby for a few weeks. Both her and her husband. Jesus Christ — how can you trot out family values when you won’t — when you can — stay home a week or two and be with your disabled child? That’s what FMLA is for. It’s not like she just adopted a dog — she delivered a child into the world. And she goes right back to work?

Woah. My Arkansas just came out there. Sorry about that.

Still: Really?

usingwomen.jpg

(Image: Daily Kos)

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Awww, did I hurt the little-bitty ugly brat’s feewing?

high-school.jpgFucking ridiculous. A choir teacher got mad at a 14-year-old girl and kicked her out of the class, calling her an “ugly brat” on the way out. Ok, a bit harsh although, since the article is sans photograph or a description of the girl’s personality, one can’t say if it was an untrue descriptive. (There’s a video link, but I’m writing this on a plane and can’t watch the video.)

The ridiculous part is — surprise, surprise — the girl is suing the the teacher for $75,000 because of all the pain and emotion distress she suffered. …Honey, if that’s the worst pain and suffering you have to deal with in high school, shit, you’re getting off easy and you should be paying the school.


M’awake, m’awake *hicc’p* oh, hey Mr. Occifer!

fosters.jpgAwesome. Just awesome.

A 20-year-old man was busted for drunk driving. (Not the awesome part.)

He was busted because a cop found him, at 5 a.m., pulled over to the side of the road and fast asleep behind the wheel. (Not the awesome part.)

When the cop woke him up and asked him where he was, he said he was on one street when, in actuality, he was on another. (Not the awesome part.)

When the cop asked him for his driver’s license … (awesome part warning) … he gave the cop two pairs of sunglasses (eh), a half-cold Fosters which he claimed he had opened earlier but, you know, not really drank much of (pretty rad) and an empty box of condoms. (Awesome!)

“Sorry occifer — if I knew you were coming I would *hicc-p* have boughten some more rubbererbers for sexy time.”


Intentional or Not, It’s Still Creepy as Hell

238816_G.jpgIf it’s true that nothing in politics is a mistake, then John McCain and his campaign have a little something to answer for, after this image from an ad he is running came to light. See it? Obama’s campaign theme: “Change.” Darken the first and the last word, and you got yourself a goddamn racist rallying cry.

Obviously, I don’t think that John McCain would intentionally stoop to this. But I wouldn’t put it past his campaign.

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Cable Newser Goes into Melt Down Mode

Have anyone been following the interpersonal dramatics between the personalities over on MSNBC? No. Of course you haven’t. That’s part of the problem. But for Keith Olbermann’s show, nobody watches MSNBC, which is why there is all this internal strife. Olbermann runs the channel, he’s making a push to make it the liberal version of FOX, and the whole fucking network is about to fall in on itself. Olbermann hates Chris Mathews, Joe Scarborough hates Olbermann, and everyone hates David Gregory (for good reason — he’s a tool). It’s one happy fucking family over there. It’s gotten so bad, even, that MSNBC’s president has had to come out and try to clear the air.

“Look, it happens,” Griffin said. “Everyone is working hard here, and people are passionate about their feelings, and this is the rough-and-tumble world of politics. It wasn’t the first time and probably won’t be the last. The main thing is, this does not define us. Don’t make more of this than it is.”

The problem, really, is all that internal tension is starting to spill over, causing on-air tiffs. Check that clip above, at around the 3:00 mark, when things this morning on “Morning Joe” began to get a little too tense. If you look closely, you can actually see Joe Scarborough’s forehead veins pop. And then, at the 5:30 minute mark, I do believe that Scarborough reveals some HR problems that he’s been having with David Shuster.

It’s all very awkward. And now, to be honest, I kind of want to watch MSNBC for something other than Olbermann (who, despite being an amazing on-air talent, is by all accounts, kind of a douche).

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Who Says the Economy is Bad?

Some Americans are doing quite well, in fact. Like The Repo Man! There’s never been a better time to be a Repo Man.

Seriously: This guy should get his own sitcom.

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The Daily Memo - 8/28/08

check.jpgSurviving an island is way easier than surviving BigLaw. (Above the Law)

check.jpgDude, getting free muffins by surfing the web at Panera would be rad. (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgThe Supremes got a little attention at the DNC Convention on Tuesday night. (Law.com)

check.jpgTwenty-five years just because Smiling Bob’s dick didn’t get bigger seems like bit of an, uhm, enlarged sentence, no?(WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgBiden/Kerry/Clinton, McCain … fight! (Salon)


It’s a free ride, when you’ve already paid…

aarp.jpgIrony, they name is the AARP being sued by a 63-year-old woman for age discrimination.

Yup. Bonita Brady claims that the group that’s supposed to help out the old folks passed her over for nine job openings after having lost her job with the group because of a reorganization. “Hello, hypocrites,” she says, “I’d like $25,000 now please.”

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“I dunno why everyone keeps calling me ‘Wife-Beater Man.’”

wife-beater-tan.jpg

(These tan lines brought to you by The Smoking Gun.)


See, crime does pay!

degas-painting.jpgOne thousand burglaries? Holy mackerel.

A confessed burglar described by police as one of the most prolific thieves in Los Angeles history was resentenced Tuesday to 7½ years in prison after making a police training video showing how he stole about $16 million in property, including a Degas painting.
In an effort to win the slightly reduced sentence, Ignacio DelRio, also known as Ricardo Caveda, also drew a map that led police to some $400,000 worth of stolen goods he had buried under a San Fernando Valley freeway overpass.
”He confessed to 1,000 burglaries, and I have been able to find 180 victims so far,” police Detective Robert Longacre said after the sentencing. (Source)

And you just know that when this dude gets out, he’s going to make similar training videos and presentations across the country, and will probably wind up far wealthier than any of us reading or writing about this story. Bastard.


Bill Clinton is Kind of a … Dick

Did anyone find Bill Clinton’s facial performance during Hilary Clinton’s speech last night a little dishonest? It was, without a doubt, a fantastic speech, and I actually felt all of my pre-campaign fondness for Hillary return, at least for now. But while it might be easy to read into Bill’s fawning facial expressions a doting admiration for his wife, I found it somewhat disingenuous, particularly when he began mouthing the words, “I love you, I love you, I love you.” Personally, I preferred it when I could think of the Clinton’s as calculated politicians, their marriage an arranged one, for political convenience.

But seeing Bill facially express his love for Hillary during that speech, what came for the forefront of my mind was not, “Oh, he loves her. He’s so proud of her,” but: “You walked all over this woman for years, had two or three affairs that we know about, and lied repeatedly to your wife.” Bill has treated Hillary like a walking mat for at least three decades, and now — now — he’s becoming Mr. Territorial Don’t Fuck with My Wife Husband? Give me a break.

I understand why he feels a little jilted by the Obama Campaign and why tonight’s speech will probably be tepid, at best. But what I don’t get is where Bill gets off insinuating that Barack Obama and his campaign treated Hillary badly during the primaries. They were elections. Contests! Meanwhile, Bill Clinton mistreated his wife where it really matters: In life. In love. And in marriage. And now that all the real political power lies within Hillary, Bill seems to be claiming ownership of that marriage again. *I love you. I love you. I love you.*

Puh-lease.

Here’s hoping — praying — that Bill Clinton shows some of that old magic again tonight, and not what we’ve seen lately: The hostile rantings of a bitter ex-President.

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Didn’t I See This on “The Practice”?

key_art_the_practice.jpgDoes anyone remember the episode of David E. Kelley’s “The Practice” where an obese woman opted to plead guilty to killing her husband instead of revealing the truth: That she rolled over him in her sleep, suffocating him.

This case looks awfully similar:

A nearly half-ton woman could not have beaten her nephew to death as she was charged because the 1,000 pounds she’s carrying makes it impossible, her attorney said Tuesday.
Mayra Rosales’ defense attorney Sergio Valdez said his 27-year-old client lacks the movement in her arms to have killed the child, calling it an “impossibility.”
Rosales was indicted last week in the March 18 death of 2-year-old Eliseo Gonzalez Jr., who prosecutors say was hit twice in the head while being watched by his aunt.
The boy’s mother, Jamie Rosales, was charged with injury to a child for leaving her son in the care of his bedridden aunt.
She’s sticking up for her sister.
An attorney for Jamie Rosales, Oscar Vega, said his client believes the death was possibly caused by the morbidly obese woman rolling onto the toddler.

Kind of sad, really. And because a two-year old was involved, I’m gonna leave it at that, and dodge all the obvious, politically incorrect jokes.

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Well sure, if you go out boozing, you’re practically begging for it

the-accused.jpgAcross the pond, a 29-year-old woman was raped several years ago after someone spiked her drink. She eventually wound up before the Criminal Injuries Compensation Authority, some British governmental thing which apparently gives compensatory money to victims. Rape victims generally get an award of $20,928 but — get this — her award was cut by 25%, to $15,696, because “the evidence that we have shows that your excessive consumption of alcohol was a contributing factor in the incident.”

Yup — she was a drunk, so she was basically asking for it.

Thankfully, a higher court had some fucking common sense and overturned the decision, so the woman will get the full money.

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The Daily Memo - 8/27/08

check.jpgKate Hudson has been sued for giving away the volcanic secret to a line of hair products. (Defamer)

check.jpgFun — Maryland’s high court has cited to “Seinfeld” in ruling on Tom Clancy’s fight with his ex. (Law.com)

check.jpgNot fun — Cali’s AG says that for-profit medical marijuana shops that aren’t registered as co-ops or collectives are illegal. …Fucking buzz kill. (LawInfo)

check.jpgWell $100 million ain’t $2 billion, but that’s still some serious coin. Especially when you remember that we’re talking about fucking dolls. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgNo way will Disney’s lawyers ever let Mickey Mouse fall into the public domain, even based on a longstanding copyright error. I mean, they’ll kill us all if they have to — each and every one of us — in order to protect the Mc’Ds. (LA Times)


Well of course he was arrested

NYChooker.jpgA Florida man was arrested because he went up to hooker and tried to buy some sex. And since the hooker was actually an undercover sheriff’s deputy, well, so it goes.

But you ask me, Fausino Diaz Hernandez wasn’t arrested because he was trying to buy sex. Nope.

He was arrested for being a stingy mother fucker, as he tried to buy sex for the price of two cents.

Two cents.

Either he’s a cheap bastard, or that deputy made one real ugly looking prostitute, you know?

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Who Was that Bouncy Little Crazy Troll at the DNC?

Great speech, but dude might want to get some pine tar for the back of his shoe heels. All that bouncing gave me vertigo.

On second thought, he should’ve just given that speech to Bill Clinton, for tonight.

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Oh, bother

winnie-the-pooh.jpgIn Tokyo, two people were robbed when a man and three teenagers came up to them, picked a fight, drug the pair off into a park, and stole their cash. The man, Masayuki Ishikawa, was arrested and says that “it seemed like the thing to do at the time.”

Given the fact that Ishikawa was wearing a Winnie the Pooh costume during the mugging, one must assume that the mugged duo must have been walking around with a honey jar, in which case, yes, it probably was the thing to do.

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You Know What? Parents are Sucky Whiners

ScottAP2.jpgHave you folks heard about this story, about a kid who was basically kicked out of Little League because he threw too hard? That an opposing team actually refused to take the field, because the parents were afraid their poor wittle baby might strike out once or twice and be humiliated.

Nine-year-old Jericho Scott is a good baseball player — too good, it turns out. The right-hander has a fastball that tops out at about 40 mph. He throws so hard that the Youth Baseball League of New Haven told his coach that the boy could not pitch any more. When Jericho took the mound anyway last week, the opposing team forfeited the game, packed its gear and left, his coach said. Officials for the three-year-old league, which has eight teams and about 100 players, said they will disband Jericho’s team, redistributing its players among other squads, and offered to refund $50 sign-up fees to anyone who asks for it. They say Jericho’s coach, Wilfred Vidro, has resigned. But Vidro says he didn’t quit and the team refuses to disband. Players and parents held a protest at the league’s field on Saturday urging the league to let Jericho pitch. “He’s never hurt any one,” Vidro said. “He’s on target all the time. How can you punish a kid for being too good?”

Fucking babies. And dollars to donuts says that most of the 8-10 year olds in the league would’ve loved to face him. I mean: If you strike out, then you’re just like every other kid who faces him. So, you lose nothing. But, if you’re one of the fortunate ones to get a hit, how great would that be for a nine-year-old’s ego? Stupid parents — you gotta let your kids stand in there and face the heat. And if they get hit, that huge bruise will be like a badge of honor, man! Ridiculous.

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Oh, Arkansas — You Run Deep in Me

arkansasstateflag.jpgGood for Arkansas! After proudly collecting the requisite number of signatures, my home state has made the right, moral, fair decision to put an initiative on this November’s ballot that would ban unmarried couples who co-habitate from adopting or fostering children.

The Secretary of State’s office has approved the necessary signatures for an initiated act proposal, which bans co-habitating couples from adopting or fostering children, to appear on the November 4th ballot.
From a press release Jerry Cox, president of Family Council Action Committee, said the Secretary of State’s validation of over 85,000 signatures of registered voters for the Arkansas Adoption and Foster Care Act is well over the required 62,000 and clears the way for passage in November.
“I couldn’t be any more pleased,” said Cox. “Overall about 90% of our signatures were valid. This is a great compliment to the hard work of over 2,500 volunteers and over 1,000 churches and other groups all across Arkansas who pitched in to make this happen.”

I’m “pleased” too! Finally, a law that would prevent children from finding a loving home with loving parents! Because, clearly, being married is what qualifies you as being a parent, because there are no such thing as abusive asshole married couples. Thank you, Arkansas! You are a bastion of enlightenment!

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The Daily Memo - 8/26/08

check.jpgTonight, the DNC Convention will put a light on the Supremes with a speech from a Supreme Court litigant. (Law.com)

check.jpgWell hell, you know I’m alway going to link to a blawg post that references Sheboygan. Fucking love that city’s name. (The Trademark Blog)

check.jpgIn Illinois, us Jews can still marry a goy and get some cash, Jewish Clauses be damned! (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgThe Cali Supreme Court has issued a controversial decision regarding judicial review of arbitration. (Law.com)


Awwww, poor Fox News just can’t catch a break

On Fox News last week, we got to see a nice little, uhm, anti-Fox Noise chant (the highlight is around the 2:20 mark):

So wait, if someone doesn’t want to talk to Fox News, they don’t believe in freedom of speech? Jesus I hate those fuckers.

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Where’s my ten dollars?!

wheres-my-two-dollars.jpgRidiculous. An Ohio couple was almost arrested for owing $10 in city income taxes. They were late on the payment and the city, apparently desperate for the Hamilton, issued an arrest warrant and sent to county sheriff’s deputies out to pick up Daniel Clark and his wife. The county finance director takes a hard stance on this, saying:

Most people pay their income taxes, so it’s not fair to them that others choose to ignore them. It’s unfortunate that we have to go to these lengths to collect taxes.’

To be fair, Kimberly Clark admits to having ignored several notices about this from the county, because she “always thought certified mail was a legal matter and we’ve never had any legal issues before.” So she’s an idiot. But, still, an arrest warrant for ten bucks just seems like a bit of a waste of county resources, which obviously must be in such high demand if they’re so desperate for the 10 bucks in the first place, you know?

Anyway, the Clarks weren’t arrested since they agreed to head to court the afternoon the deputies stopped by. And they did show up to court, where the charges against them were dropped, although they were hit with a $426 fine.

…fucking government. Man’s always stomping his boot on our necks, I’ll tell you what.


McCain don’t know much?

With the DNC Convention now in full swing, Barack has taken a new ad to the streets:


Strippers say the darndest things!

stripper-pole.jpgIn Chandler, Arizona, Ruby Elaine Bojorquez … sigh. People, come on. You name your daughter Ruby, of course she’s going to grow up to be a stripper. Christ sake.

Any way, Ruby’s been arrested for stabbing her boyfriend in the back. Seems that she got into a fight with her lover and grabbed a knife, giving him one quick poke, two quick pokes in the back. The cops showed up after being called by the boyfriend, and “they found evidence of a struggle and bloody knife on the living room floor.” Ruby totally admits that there was an argument.

But she claims that, get this, he stabbed himself. Twice. In the fucking back.

Ruby honey, just because the men who pay you at Sonny’s Gentlemen’s Club believe your lies when you tell them how special they are does not, I repeat, does not mean the cops will also believe whatever magical lies you try to spin on them. Although, next time, may I suggest that you at least try sprinkling some stripper dust on them whilst telling your lies. Can’t hurt, right?


Upstate Assemblyman Sure Wishes for a Lot of Things …

new0q.jpgA married assemblyman and father of two in upstate New York sent out an email titled, “What I wish,” to a 19-year-old intern, which included these lovely wishes:

“… that i could be painting your toenails right now … that i could see you do that little cheerleader move … that i could be your human lollipop … that i could take a shower in your shower with all that girly stuff.”

Sadly, for the intern, Sam Hoyt’s affair with her ended in 2004 (it began sometime in 2003), so suggests an email from the intern to Sam:

“How many girls do you have exactly???,” the intern wrote. “I hate you. I knew you were lying, but I was so stupid … you scumbag … f—- off … leave me alone and go be with your other girlfriends.”

The assemblyman probably won’t be punished because the affair predates a rule established by the assembly banning fraternization between lawmakers and interns, after a series of late-night shenanigans took place.

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The Daily Memo - 8/25/08

check.jpgSo you’re saying I shouldn’t wear short-shorts to court? …Dang. (Above the Law)

check.jpgA Mississippi lawyer has been defrocked because he loves his clients’ money. (Law.com)

check.jpgJoe Biden’s first speech as VP nominee may have been a little underwhelming. (Supreme Dicta)

check.jpgJustices tell another Justice not to publish his opinion? (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgA New Jersey court thinks a missing arm is worth a tad more than eight bucks a day. (Law.com)


One Man, One Vote

register-to-vote.jpgLiterally:

Angela Tuttle has won an election, but she won’t have to spend a lot of time thanking the people who voted for her.
Tuttle was running for constable of Hancock County, Tennessee, as a write-in candidate. Nobody else was vying for the position and Tuttle says her father encouraged her to give it a go.
County election officials says only 131 people voted in Thursday’s district elections and there was only one vote in Tuttle’s constable race. It was her vote and, yes, she voted for herself. (Source)


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Public Safety Continues…

library-books.jpgEarlier, we helped rid the streets of those little bitch girls who had the audacity to sell some fruit. Now, we’re throwing women in jail for having library books overdue for two months! Two whole months.

I mean, lookit. A day, a week, sure — I get that. We all got shit to do sometimes. Maybe forget to turn the book in on time, maybe fell behind and need a little extra time to read it. But two months. I mean, do you have any idea how many people came in looking for copies of “White Oleander” and “Angels & Demons” during that time, only to find that they were still motherfucking checked out? Well, QuizLaw has it on authority that it was like three people. Them Grafton, Wisconsin folks is some readers!

…The real tragedy of this story, by the way, is that the arrestee, Heidi Dalibor, had to pay fines of $180 but, as a result, got to keep the two books. Now I haven’t read “Angels & Demons,” but I did read Dan Brown’s sequel, “The Da Vinci Code,” and if the writing is even a third as terrible in “Angels” as it is in “Da Vinci,” than Dalibor’s real punishment is that she now owns that book. Perhaps a bon fire is in order?

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Illegal produce sales will not be tolerated! Not now, not ever!

produce-stand.jpgYou hear me — no illegal produce. So just go back to slinging drugs or selling your bodies, you coke whore bitches. Because Clayton, Georgia is a wholesome family kind of place!

Whazzat? The illegal fruit stand was being run by two little girls?

…I don’t care — fuck ‘em! Illegal is illegal. I am the Mayor, god damn it, and this little 11-year-old and her bitch of a 3-year-old sister were violating a zoning ordinance — a zoning ordinance, people — and risking the public safety. The. mother fucking. public. safety!

Think of the people and their safety!

Yeah, sure, all the cute little sisters were doing was selling some “zucchini, melons, tomatoes, radishes” for a few hours on a Saturday morning. But they were also selling trouble, with a capital “T” that rhymes with “P” that stands for “put those whores in jail!”

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This Explains A Lot

See more Adam “Ghost Panther” McKay videos at Funny or Die


Today in C*nt Punditry

rush_limbaugh_0213adf.jpgFrom a regular in this feature, Mr. Rush Limbaugh:

I think this is a classic illustration here where affirmative action has reared its ugly head against them. It’s the reverse of it. They’ve, they’ve ended up nominating and placing at the top of their ticket somebody who’s not qualified, who has not earned it. […]
It’s perfect affirmative action. And because of all this guilt and the historic nature of things, nobody had the guts to say, well, wait a minute, do we really want to do this?

It’s because when the curtain is closed, and no one is watching, that liberal guilt always rears its ugly head.

Douchebag.

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Woman Gives Birth to Her Own Grandchild

Incestadfdas.pngHere’s the math:

A 61-year-old Japanese woman gave birth to her own grandchild, using an egg donated by her daughter, a clinic said Thursday.
Surrogate births are extremely rare in Japan and banned by industry groups, but they are not illegal. The Suwa Maternity Clinic in Nagano, northwest of Tokyo, refused to provide information such as the date of the birth or gender of the baby. News reports said the baby was born last year.

Pfffft. We pulled this sort of thing off all the time in Arkansas, and it was a lot easier than donating eggs and surrogacy.

We called it incest, and it was awesome. It’s like my Dad always told me, “Grandmothers make the best lovers.”

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It’s As the Bible Says: A Screw for a Screw

frustration1.jpgAdultery doesn’t often result in million dollar judgments against you, but apparently, if you’re a lawyer diddling your client’s wife, you’re gonna get fucked. Twice.

Solo practitioner Ronald Henry Pierce of Mississippi will have to pay a $1.5 million verdict against him for having an affair with a client’s wife, the Mississippi Supreme Court has ruled.
The court affirmed the verdict for intentional infliction of emotional distress, breach of contract and alienation of affection in an Aug. 14 opinion, the National Law Journal reports.
Ernest Allan Cook and his wife, Kathleen, had hired Pierce to represent them and their son in a medical malpractice case in 1997. At the time, Pierce was practicing law in an Oxford firm, but it later disbanded and Pierce moved his practice in Pearl.
Pierce had an affair with Kathleen after her husband moved to California in 2000, the opinion says. The Cooks later divorced, and Pierce married Kathleen. Ernest Cook sued Pierce in 2002.
Pierce told the National Law Journal he expected to lose the case because he wasn’t allowed to present oral argument on appeal. “I knew I was going to get screwed,” he said. He plans to file a motion to reconsider.

The case actually doesn’t make a lot of sense to me, but then again, I’ve forgotten a lot about what I learned in legal ethics class. I understand you can’t sleep with your client’s wife, but it seems the affair took place after the case was resolved and, hey, they got married. It’s not an affair if it’s love, right?

I’ll show myself out the door.


The Daily Memo - 8/22/08

check.jpgCalifornia to drivers: “Nxt year, u might want 2 not txt while driving.” (LAist)

check.jpgGuardian to Google: “Are you a ‘friendly giant or greedy Goliath?’” (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgSeth to Guardian: “Oh, no doubt a greedy bastard of a Goliath prick asshole, that Google is.”

check.jpg6 Ton Sculpture of Jesus’ Face to anyone who will listen: “Seriously, I’m 6 tons of messiah face!” (Law.com)

check.jpgBarbie to Bratz: “That’s two billion with a B, bitches.” (LawInfo)

check.jpgCalifornia Supreme Court to members of the Doors: “This is the end, my only friend, the end.” (WSJ Law Blog)


This Wisconsin church speaks the truth!

Nothing to do with the law whatsoever, but I feel like QuizLaw’s true purpose is to spread the Truth, and if this ain’t the Truth, I dunno what is….

god-better-than-favre.jpg

(Hat tip to Deadspin.)


Spice up your interview life!

job-interview.jpgSo the Bitter Lawyer website recently sent us a link to a posting about a Southern California law student who also happens to be a porn star. She’s apparently starred in over 100 flicks including Titty Titty Bang Bang (oh porn industry, what wacky titles will you think up next?). Interesting article.

But it got me thinking. See, earlier this week I did some on-campus interviewing for my firm. A long day where I met with well over a dozen eager 2Ls hoping that they’d get picked to fly out to LA so they could meet other folks at my firm and hopefully earn a cush summer associate gig for next summer. Some of them could very well be reading this, so I won’t say much substantively about the day (there was both good and bad), but suffice it to say, it was long. Loooong. Would’ve been long even if I weren’t dealing with this damned herniated disc.

In any event, how great would it have been if halfway through the day, a friggin’ porn star walked into the room? And man alive, that resume’s gotta be better than one that lists someone’s choral experience, right?

Oral, choral? Choral, oral? The choice is obvious.

I’m rambling. Point is, next time I do on-campus interviews, I wants me a porn star interviewee. Make it happen Big Guy in the Sky. Make it happen.

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It may not be justice, but it sure as hell is karma

Joe Francis, Freedom Fighter!

To be fair, from what I’ve read, I do think there were some shenanigans. Not a lot. Bus some. But whatever, because they couldn’t have happened to a scummier guy.

(Hat tip to reader Annelise, who suggested that she’s deeply afraid of being tossed into the clink for 11 months now too. See what you’ve done, Joe? You’re scaring people. Stop it!)

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Who’s the Elitist Now, You Bitter Old Bitch?

You had to know that, the GOP candidate from one of the richest families in Arizona started calling Barack Obama an elitist because he ate arugula that it’d eventually bite him in the ass.

Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) said in an interview Wednesday that he was uncertain how many houses he and his wife, Cindy, own.
“I think — I’ll have my staff get to you,” McCain told Politico in Las Cruces, N.M. “It’s condominiums where — I’ll have them get to you.”

It must be nice to be one of the millions of Average Joes in the United States who doesn’t know how many houses he owns. Well, according to “his staff,” the answer is four. According to Newsweek, that answer is seven. He owns seven houses, which he likely travels to and from in his private jet, and in which his private chef never, ever serves him arugula. I mean: Arugula! What kind of rich, elitist motherfucker eats spicy greens?


Cop Gets Carried Away with Scared Straight Routine

barbie_slut.jpgIt’s one thing to warn high schoolers of the dangers of MySpace pages, but demonstration by example is probably not the best idea when you’re showing sexual predators pictures of the very high school girls you’re talking to.

Students and parents at Windsor High School are outraged after a Wyoming police officer doing an Internet safety presentation at the school scrutinized individual students’ MySpace pages, calling the students “slutty” and saying photos on their sites invited sexual predators.
The officer, John F. Gay III of the Cheyenne Police Department, picked out six or seven Windsor High School students’ MySpace page and began to criticize photos, comments and other content until one student left the room crying
“He told the entire student body that he had shared her info with a sexual predator in prison,” said Ty [name withheld — ed.], whose daughter Shaylah [last name withheld] MySpace page was put on display.
[Name withheld] said Gay then told the student body that the predator said he would masturbate to her picture.

Officer Gay? Really? No wonder he’s such an asshole.

You know what’s worse than a cop warning a girl that her pictures are too slutty? Running the slutty girl’s full name in the newspaper. Nice job, Coloradoan!

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This is What Happens When You Pay Teachers Peanuts …

prostiteacher.jpgThey are forced to go out and get real nuts, and by real nuts, I of course mean: Testicles.

A Cleveland High School teacher was charged with prostitution after meeting a man in an online chat room and soliciting him in a downtown Houston hotel, police told KPRC Local 2 Monday.
Police said Laurie Ann Lewis, 38, was arrested Tuesday at the Four Seasons, 1300 Lamar, in an undercover sting.
Investigators said Lewis agreed to meet her client at the hotel as an escort. She was arrested after asking for $300 to perform a sexual act, police said.

$300 for a sex act? If she can get that, she should probably give up teaching and turn tricks full time. Of course, if she’s soliciting at the Four Seasons, she ought to be able to get better than that. Obviously, she doesn’t teach economics.


The Daily Memo - 8/21/08

check.jpgNudists to San Onofre State Beach: “For the next few months, at least, I’m just hanging in the wind!” (LAist)

check.jpgHipster douchebags to Apple: “We wantz 3G iPonez work better.” (Gizmodo)

check.jpgReaders to Seth: “Seriously, you’re going to do this somebody-to-somebody bullshit all week?”

check.jpgSeth to Readers: “Yup. And maybe next week too. Whatchathinkaboutthat?!”

check.jpgSeth to Seth: “Don’t sleep with any former client’s wives.” (Law.com)

check.jpgSeth to Seth: “Dude, no worries — you’ve seen my/our former client’s wives, right?”

check.jpgNFL to American Needle, Inc.: “Suck it, bitches! Reebok for life!” (WSJ Law Blog)

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Some jokes write themselves

ahnold.jpgSeriously, I’m sorry. So fucking sorry. But I can’t help myself. You know how Obama’s been getting some shit for his comments that proper tire inflation could help with gas consumption? Well the Governor of my fine state gave a speech yesterday to help launch something called the EcoDriving initiative, and he was speaking on behalf of a bunch of groups who stand behind the notion of better tire inflation.

You see where I’m going with this, don’t you?

“I am Arnold, and this is the Eco Driving initiative and we want *clap* you to pump your tires up!”


Medium Regular

dunkin-donuts.jpgDunkin’ Donuts is the best. You folks in Boston know what I’m talking about and, to a lesser extent, so do many of my other East Coast homies. Out here on the Left Coast, y’all don’t have a clue what you’re missing. It’s not just donuts and coffee. Nope — it’s also gift card scams!

Kevin Nguyen was recently arrested for a rather interesting scam he was running with an alleged accomplice:

A man was accused Wednesday of using stolen credit cards to buy thousands of dollars worth of Dunkin’ Donuts gift cards.
He then used the stolen cards to purchase soft drinks from the chain and resell them to other stores, according to Boston Police.
“We have hundreds of victims throughout the United States,” Boston Police Department Detective Steven Blair said. “They would purchase a Dunkin’ Donuts gift card, for say, $5, and they would go back, use their laptop computers, go online and re-up the gift cards up to $200. They would use stolen credit card numbers.”
Police said that the pair bought $100,000 in Dunkin’ Donuts cards using the stolen credit cards. They then purchased beverages to sell and pocket the money. Officials said that it’s been going on for three to four months.
Claiming they were buying soft drinks for attendees at a conference, which never really existed, police said that they turned their merchandise into cash.
“They would come with trucks and load up pallets of boxes of sodas and coffee. What they would do is they would take those goods and they would go around to small mom and pop stores throughout the Boston area and sell it to the mom and pop stores for 50 percent,” Blair said.

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What’s he supposed to do? Give her a fucking medal?

spanking.jpgA lawyer in Maine who runs a nonprofit organization that helps blind folks has been arrested and charged with domestic violence. Seems he got a touch pissed off when her daughter rung up a $5,000 cell phone bill. So he grabbed her and spanked her.

I’m sorry man, but I was spanked as a kid and it weren’t domestic violence — it was parental retribution. Almost always warranted and quickly recovered from. And a five-grand cell phone bill sure seems like the kinda business to me that warrants the Parental Hand.

In fact, the only thing that’s bizarre about this story, in my mind, is that the daughter is twenty-years-old. And spanking a twenty-year-old just seems odd.

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Can We Talk?

zombiejohnb.jpgSo, what happened folks? Six weeks ago, polls showed that Barack Obama had a 9 point lead over John McCain. Now, McCain has a five point lead, according to the latest Zogby Poll.

Was it something we said? What’s going on here, folks? You’re buying into all of McCain’s Rovian tactics, huh? Again! McCain can’t run on his own record, or his own ideas (since he has none), so he tears down Obama with a bunch of emasculating poppycock meant to make you feel like a smaller person for wanting to vote for him. It’s what Bush did in 2000 and 2004, and you fell for it then. You’d think you’d learn, but the tiny dick arguments still work on the American public. Hell.

You know, John McCain is a zombie, right? And you’re OK with voting for a zombie? A zombie who will overturn Roe v. Wade. Who will probably involve us in another war. Who will continue to favor the rich over the middle class?

That zombie fucker is turning this election into another character circus, and he’s making up bullshit to taint Obamas. And America is buying it. It’s 2004, all over again.

Strap on some balls, Obama. It’s time to kick some zombie ass.

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Turn Down that Music!

Bob The Builder.jpgThose damn kids and their goddamn music!

A New Zealand kindergarten disco was broken up by authorities for pumping out “Bob the Builder” music too loud.
While the preschoolers were dancing at the One Tree Hill Kindergarten in Auckland, an unhappy neighbor was busy complaining, The Dominion Post newspaper reported on Tuesday.
A red-faced noise control officer from the local council turned up at 6:30 p.m. and told partygoers that the music was too loud, and they would have to turn it off.

You can’t go ‘round blaring your Bob the Builder disco songs, I don’t care how old they are. Loud music leads to cocaine snorting! And kindergarten sexy time on the nap mats. And that’s how it starts! And 6:30 p.m. is way past any respectable person’s bedtime. Bitches. Tricks. Hos!


Man Gets Four Months for “Technically” Violating House Arrest

Joy_ride.jpgI didn’t realize that the rules of house arrest had gotten so strict. Suddenly, if you’re under house arrest, you can’t get high and go naked joyriding with a prostitute? Bullshit!

James Boppre broke all the rules of house arrest when he went for a late-night drive in his pickup truck last month.
He did not observe his curfew.
He did not remain sober.
He did not keep the peace.
And as he crashed into a Kitchener car lot — driving naked while speeding, drunk, high on crack cocaine and next to a naked prostitute — he was not being of good behaviour.

Yeah, but did he kill anyone?

Case closed.


The Daily Memo - 8/20/08

check.jpgMy favorite governor, PA Governor Ed Rendell, to the Geek Squad: “What is this e-mail contraption you speak so knowingly of?” (Download Squad)

check.jpgFederal Judge to Warner Brothers: “Who’s responsible for deciding who watches The Watchemen? I dunno — let’s find out.” (Cinematical)

check.jpgFBI to LA City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo: “Uhm, yeah, let’s have a chat.” (LAist)

check.jpgLawyer to Office of the Disciplinary Counsel: “Dudes, seriously, stop fucking bothering me!” (Legal Antics)

check.jpgObama to McCain: “Respect my dignity!” (The Huffington Post)


A fate worse than death

beer.jpgSeventy-four-year-old Edward Flaherty is a Scottish man found guilty of culpable homicide after strangling his wife. To be fair, she was asking for it, as the incident allegedly occurred after the wouldn’t give him money to go out boozing, and if that ain’t justified, I don’t know what is.

Anyway, Flaherty was recently in court facing these charges and the judge (they call them Lords over there!) found that Flaherty was suffering from dementia and was probably unfit to get thrown into jail. So instead, he’s been banned from going to pubs for a year!

Said Lord Matthews:

I have read and considered a number of reports from experts. It is plain to me that if I were to impose that sort of sentence you would be released in a very short time because prison would not be able to cope with your condition.
Sentencing you would just be a token gesture. I am anxious to impose a sentence that restricts your liberty. You still go to the pub where you went with your wife. That must annoy her relatives.
Not being able to go there will be a more meaningful disposal than a prison sentence which will not last long.

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Olbermann and McCain, Sitting in a Tree…

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No more monkeys jumping on the bed

monkeys-on-the-bed.jpgA 32-year-old Australian man has been ordered by the court to stay 100 meters away from his girlfriend’s apartment. But this isn’t because he was beating her or harassing her or some such.

Nope. It seems that Adam Hinton was just fucking the bejeezus out of Kerry Norris:

Residents of Norris’s home had been complaining since 2006 about thumping music, banging headboards and screamed obscenities, Taggart said.

The neighbors says it’s not just about the loud sex, but that Norris is an all-around awful neighbor:

Neighbours also complained about Norris sunbathing naked in her yard, and were upset that a six-year-old child in the building had been “subjected to the sort of obscenities you wouldn’t want a six-year-old to hear,” the spokesman said.
“She is a classic nightmare neighbour,” Taggart said, insisting the case was not about sex. “It’s about allowing your neighbours to have a normal decent life without being disturbed.”

But it really is just about the sex if the order is just to keep the boyfriend away, right? Because she can still sunbathe nude, be vulgar, etc. She just can’t be railed by her boyfriend in the comfort of her own home. And that’s a tragedy, I’ll tell you what….

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One Little STD and Your Wife Sues for $25 million?!

Outrageous!

A few hookers, and maybe a mistress on the side, and a woman wants to sue her husband for one lousy STD? OK, maybe two STDS. That ain’t right. People make mistakes! Hundreds of times. Over the course of a decade. Whatever. God teaches forgiveness, not legal damages.

Harumph!


Mining Town Women Don’t Want Their Advantage Nullified

coal-miner2.jpgA bunch of ladies in an Australian mining town, where men outnumber the women 5-1, took umbrage when the mayor advertised that “beauty disadvantaged” women might do well in the town.

Mayor John Molony found himself under attack Monday over comments he made to a local newspaper that read: “May I suggest if there are five blokes to every girl, we should find out where there are beauty-disadvantaged women and ask them to proceed to Mount Isa.”
The mayor added that many women who already live in the remote Queensland state town seem quite happy.
“Quite often you will see walking down the street a lass who is not so attractive with a wide smile on her face,” he continued. “Whether it is recollection of something previous or anticipation for the next evening, there is a degree of happiness.”
The quotes, published Saturday in the Townsville Bulletin, sparked outrage among the town’s female population, led to furious online debates and drew criticism from the local chamber of commerce.

Well, that’s just common sense. If I knew of a town where there were five women to every man, particularly brutish women covered in coal soot, I’d high-tail my ass to that town ASAP. Who doesn’t immediately want to shack up with someone who will leave coal marks on your skin during sex and die at the age of 40 of black lung?

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The Daily Memo - 8/19/08

check.jpgNYC lawyer to Columbia: “I’m an antifeminist, so I think it’s bigotry against men to offer women’s studies courses.” (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgSeth to the that previous NYC lawyer: “You’re a fucking retard.” (QuizLaw)

check.jpgLawyer to the cops: “I so totally don’t have to show you my IDs because I don’t live in the kind of world where folks have to show their papers on demand. Pig.” (SeattlePI)

check.jpgCalifornia Supreme Court to asshole religious zealot doctors: “Uhm, yes, you fucking have to help the sick gays and lesbians, you pricks.” (LAist)

check.jpgDavid Lat to Sophist: “Here are the keys to the site. We hope you use the royal ‘we’ like we did, because you should want to be just like us.” (Above the Law)

check.jpgFederal judge to the Federal Government: “Gimme some CIA tapes in 10 days or I’m a-gonna give you some contempt.” (Law.com)


Who doesn’t like a good traffic jam?

traffic-jam.jpgCarol Greenberg is awesome. This Michigan woman recently sent a $16 bill to the state Department of Transportation after getting stuck in a traffic jam due to work being done on the highway. She guestimated that the jam cost her about $16 in gas, and she’d like the state to pay her back, thank you very much. She says there were a ton of signs noting that there was work ahead, but not that there would be a delay, and she figures it wouldn’t be that hard for them to put up a “hey, traffic may suck ahead” sign.

A spokesman for the state DOT noted that “we usually get damage claims about stones kicked up from the roadway or overspray from painting I have never heard of anyone being compensated for the loss of gasoline.”

Greenberg knew she wouldn’t see a dime from this — and of course, she got a “get bent” letter in response — but it made her feel better: “I just sent it in to vent about it.”

Right on, sister.


Dude. Seriously.

white-fro-mugshot.jpg
White Guy:
Dude, your hair is ridiculous.




black-fro-mugshot.jpg
Black Guy: Seriously, man, your hair is ridiculous.




white-fro-mugshot.jpg
WG: Dude.




black-fro-mugshot.jpg
BG: Seriously.




white-fro-mugshot.jpg
WG: Dude!




black-fro-mugshot.jpg
BG: Seriously!




white-fro-mugshot.jpg
WG: …We both look like asshats.




black-fro-mugshot.jpg
BG: Seriously.







(This drama brought to you by The Smoking Gun.)

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The Most Important Injunction Ever Issued, Ever Ever

dicks-deli.jpgLast week, an Australian Magistrate Court issued an interim domestic violence order, ordering Tony Goodchild’s ex-girlfriend to stay away from him and to not threaten him. The cause for the court granting Mr. Goodchild such relief?

Because his ex threatened to cut off his dick. And if that ain’t cause for injunctive relief, then I just don’t know what is.


Today in Completely Pointless Laws

home2.jpgBoth the Alabama and Nevada legislators have apparently nuked the fridge:

In Alabama it is illegal to recommend shades of paint without a license. In Nevada it is illegal to move any large piece of furniture for purposes of design without a license. In fact, hundreds of people have been prosecuted in Alabama and Nevada for practicing “interior design” without a license. Getting a license is no easy task, typically requiring at least 4 years of education and 2 years of apprenticeship. Why do we need licenses laws for interior designers? According to the American Society of Interior Designers (ASID) because:
“Every decision an interior designer makes in one way or another affects the health, safety, and welfare of the public.”

Choosing paint color “affects the health, safety, and welfare of the public”? Really? Even more ridiculous? In Louisiana, apparently you need a license to do floral arrangements.

Of course, back in Arkansas, when we wanted to interior decorate, we just hired a couple of guys to roll over the mobile home a couple of times: Instant new floor arrangement!

(H/T Parissa!)

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Common Sense Takes a Left Turn in Crazyville

gunSchool2.jpgOh, man: This is 17 kinds of bad idea:

A Texas school district will let teachers bring guns to class this fall, the district’s superintendent said on Friday, in what experts said appeared to be a first in the United States.
The board of the small rural Harrold Independent School District unanimously approved the plan and parents have not objected, said the district’s superintendent, David Thweatt.
School experts backed Thweatt’s claim that Harrold, a system of about 110 students 150 miles northwest of Fort Worth, may be the first to let teachers bring guns to the classroom.
Thweatt said it is a matter of safety.
“We have a lock-down situation, we have cameras, but the question we had to answer is, ‘What if somebody gets in? What are we going to do?” he said. “It’s just common sense.”

Carrying loaded guns into a school where there are 150 angsty, redneck high-school students with an abundance of hormones and relatively easy access to those guns. That ain’t nothing but common sense, folks!

I don’t think the worry is going to be with people coming in; it’s going to be with people running out, when somebody starts shooting after little Timmy asks ole Barney Fife if he can look at his six-shooter.

Harrold, Texas. Remember that name. You’re going to be hearing it a lot this fall.

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Damnit! Future Plan #259 Foiled

0815081driver1.jpgThe good thing about writin’ for QuizLaw is all the learnin I get from other folks who get caught for doin’ things I was a’plannin’ to do myself. Now I know they ain’t legal. I gets me a fine legal education just reading about others mistakes. Like this here Jennifer Rosenberg, the heartbreak over there to the right. She just turned 35, and for her birthday, she wanted to get liquored up at the ole watering hole. Only problem was, she din’t have no designated driver. So, she did what I reckon I woulda done had I not known no better. She asked her daughter to ferry her to the saloon. Only problem was, her youngin’ was only 12.

The Texas woman used her 12-year-old daughter as a designated driver so that she could be chauffeured to a Longview bar to celebrate her 35th birthday. Rosenberg was arrested Wednesday night after her child was pulled over by cops for a traffic violation (the girl told officers she had just dropped her mother off at a bar about two miles from their home). Longview Police Department officers responded to Leon’s Bar and Grill, where they arrested Rosenberg on a child endangerment charge, according to a probable cause affidavit.

Well, damn. I guess I’ll throw away yet another Post-It note with one of my brilliant idears. Course, my kid’s a boy, so I was only gonna wait til he was 10. Cause boy’s are better drivers. I reckon he’ll have to tote me on his bicycle handlebars now.


The Daily Memo - 8/18/08

check.jpgACLU to Judge: “Uhm, yeah, we don’t dig it when judges pray in open court during hearings, ordering those in the courtroom to join hands and pray along with him.” (Above the Law)

check.jpgJohn McCain to everyone: “I will be a pro-life president. Pro-fetus life, anyway. Troop life, I don’t care so much about.” (The Jed Report)

check.jpgJudge to Chicago lawyer: “You takes these sanctions because your client is a foul-mouthed ingrate. You take them and you like them!” (Law.com)

check.jpgMinister to court: “I didn’t know it was illegal to steal my flock’s identity. I mean, that’s totally what Jesus would’ve done.” (LawInfo)

check.jpgCustomer to Time Warner: “Stop making me rent your shitty fucking cable boxes!” (ars technica)

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Why so terrorist?

the-joker.jpgYes, it was only a matter of time before some type of copycat crime arose in the wake of the summer behemoth that was The Dark Knight. And now some teenagers from Virginia have taken up that mantle. But they didn’t start doing magic tricks with pencils, thankfully; rather, they simply created “a series of playing cards that were defaced with threatening writing and left at stores in Christiansburg and Pearisburg — a gesture police said the teens admitted had been inspired by” The Dark Knight.

Here’s where the story is odd. I don’t have a major problem with them being arrested and charged with assault or something of that nature (although even that seems a bit over the top, given that the cards apparently just said “Joker” on them). But they were charged with conspiracy to commit an act of terrorism. Even the police chief acknowledged that it seemed like these two 18-year-olds just got carried away with a prank.

But now they’re going to get to find out what Casual Fridays are all about.


“Sorry fish, there ain’t gonna be nothing casual about this!”

casual-sex-mugshot.jpg

(This prison rape joke brought to you by The Smoking Gun.)


In other “shocking” news, the sun rises in the East and sets in the West!

setting-sun.jpgFred Baron is either dumb as dirt, or a big fat liar. And since he’s a lawyer, either one is a completely viable option.

Baron paid for John Edwards’ mistress to move to California, and he also paid her rent for several months. But he had no idea she was Edwards’ whore. No siree.

I was shocked…. Do I feel that [Edwards] betrayed me? I don’t like the word betrayal. I think he was in denial himself. He did a very, very stupid, bad thing.

Edwards was in denial himself? Really? “Yeah, I totally wasn’t banging this girl and totally didn’t father a bastard love child with her, but I want to pay to move her out to California anyway, out of the goodness of my heart.” You just gotta’ love lawyers don’t you?

…Don’t you? Seriously, you love us anyway, right?

…Dang.


Something’s gonna trouble the water….

racist_water_0711.jpgThis just takes the cake. From Time.com:

To this day, Jerry Kennedy only does laundry when it rains. For the first 54 years of his life, he lived without running water, and rainstorms were the only way he could collect enough water to wash his clothes.
But Kennedy isn’t from some far-off rural outpost. He was born and raised in the Coal Run neighborhood of Zanesville, Ohio — a former coal-mining center of 25,000 in the eastern part of the state — just a few hundred feet from a municipal water line. Kennedy, now 58, is black. His neighbors, who did not have running water for more than 50 years, are also black. On July 10, the U.S. District Court of Ohio awarded them almost $10.9 million, ruling that they had been denied access to public water because of their race.

I…..I am pretty speechless right now, honestly. No wait: they should have gotten more. Yeah, that’s about all I got to say on it.

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Why Don’t Republicans Just Use Wang Dang Sweet Poontang?

JacksonBrowne-03-big.jpgFor what I think what is the third time, at least, in recent memory, another baby boomer musical artist is suing a Republican candidate for unauthorized use of their song in a campaign context. I recall that both John Mellencamp and Bruce Springsteen have brought suit against GOP candidates (the latter, I believe, vs. W.), and now Jackson Browne is suing McCain for using “Running on Empty” in an ad criticizing Obama for suggesting the country could save gas through proper tire inflation.

Seriously, though: There is, like, one musical artist I can think of who would consider himself Republican, and that’s Ted Nugent. Everyone else is gonna sue. Do they not have lawyers working for them? Do they not understand that you can’t just borrow a song? Particularly from people who don’t like them?

Whatever: Ted Nugent has an awesome catalog of songs. There’s even one that’s appropriate: “You Talk Sunshine, I Breathe Fire.”


Everybody Rap Now (Never Speak of it Department)

A few months ago, for reasons that make absolutely no sense to me, Seth posted what would become this blog’s most popular post of all time, a clip featuring a local news team dancing around the studio like a couple of jackasses. Yes: It was completely indignifying, but it did show that news anchors had actual senses of humor.

Likewise, this local news anchor in the above clip does the traffic in in rhyme. Yeah: White girl raps.

And man: It is baaaad.

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Dude’s Got a Point — It’s All About Penis Size

oil rig.jpgYou just knew there was something underneath the over-enthusiastic fervor with which John McCain has attacked Barack Obama for suggesting that keeping your tires inflated will help conserve gas. This guy sees between the Rovian lines, and I think he’s on to something:

Meanwhile, McCain himself was sent out to pose in front of working oil rigs, to testify to his thirst for pulling more black gold from the earth. The message couldn’t be plainer: See that itty-bitty, little tire gauge? If you vote for Obama, that’s how big your penis is. If you vote for McCain, on the other hand, your penis is as big as this rig, thrusting its gigantic shaft in and out of the ground! Real men think keeping your tires inflated is for weenies.
There may not be a sign tacked to a bulletin board at McCain headquarters reading, “It’s the sexual insecurity, stupid,” but McCain’s team of operatives, many schooled at Karl Rove’s knee, know just what to do when an opportunity presents itself. They’ve been playing this tune for so long, they don’t need to look at the sheet music: Our guy is a real man, their guy is a sissy, rinse, repeat.

Sheesh. You gotta do something to offset the obvious: McCain is, like, an erectile dysfunction commercial waiting to happen, while Barack Obama has … well, very large hands. And that oil rig — that’s McCain’s Hummer; his small-penis car. Dude’s gotta compensate somehow.

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The Daily Memo - 8/15/08

check.jpgJustice don’t come cheap. (Above the Law)

check.jpgAnd Justice doesn’t always come fast, either. (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgOofta — the FAA wants $7 million in fines from American Airlines for drug-testing violations and flying planes despite knowing about safety problems. (LA Times Travel)

check.jpgThe Second Circuit has ruled that 9/11 victims can’t sue the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. (WSJ Law Blog)


Fantastic Analogy….

XKCD is the best comic on the interwebs and yesterday’s strip is just one of many fantastic examples:

xkcd-8-14-08.jpg

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Tip o’ the hat to the Colbert Bump

colbert-notice-board.jpgEarlier this week, Dustin posted a clip from “The Colbert Report” where Colbert talked about wanting to give Obama the Colbert bump by speaking at the DNC Convention. Man alive would I love to see that happen.

Well now there comes a legitimate survey establishing the legitimacy of the Colbert Bump. The research was in the July issue of “PS: Political Science and Politics” and political scientist James H. Fowler found that Dems get a 40% bump in contributions in the month after an appearance on “The Colbert Show,” while Republicans get just about nothing:

To investigate the claim of the Colbert bump, the author uses data acquired from the Federal Election Commission on fundraising by Congressional Democrats and Republicans.
His analysis finds that Democrats who appear on The Colbert Report enjoy a significant increase in the number and total amount of donations they receive over the next 30?? days when compared to similar candidates who do not appear on the show. Specifically, Democrats who come on the program raise $8,247 more than colleagues who don’t do so on the 32nd day following their appearance—“a bump of roughly two-fifths over the normal rate of receipts.” Republicans do not appear to benefit at all from appearing on the program; notably, they raise more funds in the month before coming on the program while actually raising less money in the month following their appearance—hinting at a possible “Colbert bust” for the GOP instead.
While conceding that it is “important not to read too much into these results” Fowler does also state that “one might be tempted to dismiss the importance of the Colbert bump because it is just money.” Clearly, political fundraising is done for a purpose and the most important consequence of any bump is whether Colbert candidates win elections. With only the 2006 elections having been completed since The Colbert Report came on the air, the upcoming 2008 elections will likely provide greater insight into this interesting and humorous wrinkle in modern American politics.


E-X-T-O-R-T-I-O-N … EAGLES!

eagles-fan.jpgHerbert Simpson made Eagles fans proud by trying to extort (mother fucking Super Bowl Champion) New York Giants coach Tom Coughlin. The Smoking Gun has an affidavit from the G-Man who investigated the incident. Seems that Simpson sent two phony letters to Coughlin, claiming to be written by women who said they’d expose Coughlin’s affairs with them unless he paid them. The affairs “took place” when the Giants were in Philly for a game last December.

The Feds tracked these women down, and they knew nuthin’ about nuthin’, but recognized Simpson’s handwriting. Simpson admitted that he wrote the letters as payback for “work-related issues” he had with the two gals, and for this little plan of revenge, he’s facing up to 2 years in the clink.

As the G-Man were leaving their interview with Simpson, he reportedly hucked a beer bottle at the Fed’s head and yelled “that’s right, youse better run!”


Which is Worse? Penis to the Face? Or Face to Shart Contact?

churella-j.jpgCan we all just concede that, when you’re in high school, you’re a dumbass? And maybe leave it at that? I mean, look at this: A 17-year-old kid was arrested yesterday for an incident last December, in which the victim was pinned down by one of his wrestling teammates. Then the 17-year-old perpetrator came over, bent down, and basically slapped the victim in the face with his dick.

The victim freed himself, washed out his mouth, and presumably boys went back to being boys. Until nearly a year later when, I’m guessing, the victim got pissed off at his attacker for unrelated reasons and decided to bring charges to get back at him.

All of which reminds me of a ridiculous incident that happened in my high school during basketball practice. A couple of kids pinned down another guy, held his head down with a towel over his eyes, and then challenged him to raise his head. Of course, once he did. another guy was sitting over him, so that his face landed in the guy’s ass. And the guy, in an attempt to time the face-to-ass smack with a fart, accidentally sharted, which … well, it wasn’t pretty.

No criminal charges were filed.

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Goooooaaaaaallllll!


http://view.break.com/553986 - Watch more free videos

Sorry. Off-topic. Couldn’t resist.

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Opening Lines, Part Deux

s132a354925m810515.jpgEarlier today, Seth gave us what may be the greatest opening sentence to a news article, ever, which nicely dovetails with a couple of other great opening lines I discovered today. First up, Garrison Spik penned this beautiful sentence, which won this year’s Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, “a literary parody competition that challenges writers to come up with the worst opening for an imaginary novel.” It’s fucking fantastic:

Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city, their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist, white breath through manhole covers stamped “Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J.”

This one, from Melissa Alliston, also got a worthy dishonorable mention:

“Watching Felicia walk into the bar was like watching two fat Rottweilers in yellow spandex and spike heels that had treed a scrawny bleach blond cat at the top of a skinny flagpole that for some reason had decided to sprout casaba melons.”

But, the best opening line I actually read today came from John McCain, in an Op-Ed for the Wall Street Journal, which opened with this doozy discussing the conflict that broke out between Russia and Georgia:

“For anyone who thought that stark international aggression was a thing of the past, the last week must have come as a startling wake-up call.”

… ?


The Daily Memo - 8/14/08

check.jpgThe Second Circuit to John Steinbeck descendants: “The turtle ever-so-slowly crossed the road, dust blowing across its shell. Oh, and fuck off.” (Law.com)

check.jpgIf you live in the L.A. area and don’t hate the gays, there’s a fundraiser being held this weekend to help fight the upcoming Proposition 8, a.k.a. the “Them Queers Shouldn’t Be Marrying” Proposition. (LA Metblogs)

check.jpgConsumers to regulators: “Uhm, yeah, the credit card companies are mother fuckers.” Regulators to consumers: “Well duh.” (MarketWatch)

check.jpgMcCain repeatedly botched the Georgia President’s name? Well, that’s downright presidential — W is proud of you, Jonny Mac. (Think Progress)

check.jpgThe Seventh Circuit says that women can’t be punished by employers for taking time off of work for infertility treatments. (WSJ Law Blog)

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Blow me

breathalyzer.jpgMake of this what you will:

A customer asked a barista at an espresso stand to blow into her breathalyzer on Wednesday, and became upset when she was told no.
A Kitsap County sheriff’s deputy was called to the Natte Latte espresso stand at 3062 West State Highway 16 at about 11:03 a.m., reports said.
The employee told 911 dispatchers a 27-year-old Central Kitsap woman approached the stand and asked her to blow into the device, also known as an interlock device. The instruments are required by courts for people convicted of drunken driving. If a person has alcohol in their system detectable by the device, the car won’t start. The report said the woman is required to have the interlock device in her car.
The employee refused to blow in the device, which angered the woman, who bought a coffee anyway and sat in her car.
“She later came back and said that it was (the employee’s) fault that she now had to miss work in Seattle and then got into her car and left,” the report said.

It couldn’t be that being drunk at 11 am is what made you miss work, could it? Jeez.

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The best opening sentences to a news article ever

prison-guard.jpgSeriously.

It’s getting tougher for the dishonest, the mentally unstable and the overweight to get hired as Cook County jail guards these days. As a result, fewer guards are getting hired.

So yeah, in the Chicago area, it seems that prisons have decided that fat, crazy liars may not make for the best guards. Whodathunkit?

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Don’t mess with Texas schools

prison-jumpsuit.jpgA recent school board meeting in Gonzales, Texas got so heated that the cops had be called in. What’s the hubbub about? Seems that the local school district issued a new dress code recently, banning cargo pants and requiring collared shirts, among other things.

Harmless enough.

But those who don’t comply with the new dress code may be forced to put on prison-style jumpsuits, in the form of blue coveralls ordered from the company that makes jumpsuits for the Texas prison system.

District officials have emphasized that the coveralls are only an option aimed at allowing students to comply with the dress code and remain in the classroom. Parents can still bring students a change of clothes or students may still go to in-school suspension.

Look — school isn’t a place for freedoms. We all know that. And if takes putting some kids in prison clothes to remind them of that, well, some lesson get learnt hard.

As for the complaints that the prison jumpsuits come complete with their own hidden shivs, well that sounds like a legitimate concern….


Free Show! Free Show!

strip club-001.jpgI’m actually surprised we don’t see this more often — I mean, strip clubs, after all, are basically designed to get you to the brink. It was only inevitable that someone was going to climb over the precipice in the grassy knoll outside.

An employee of Scarlet O’Hara’s at 3201 S. Carolyn Ave. walked outside around 1 a.m. to find a crowd of people. The staff person pushed through the crowd and discovered a man lying on a grassy area masturbating, Sioux Falls police Det. Sean Kooistra said. He was naked from the waist down, Kooistra added.
The employee called police, and police found the man still on the grass upon their arrival.
“Evidently, someone got really excited after watching their show,” Kooistra said. “There were people standing around watching him and laughing.”

Gawd! All those people watching and nobody was gonna give the brother a hand? Not cool.


Today I Loathe Humanity

suitcasebabee.jpgSometimes the crazy is funny. And sometimes the crazy makes you want to pull out someone’s eyeballs and shove them up their ass so they can see your foot going in.

A toddler whose remains were found inside a suitcase in Philadelphia in April was starved to death by members of a religious cult, including his mother, in part because he refused to say “amen” after meals, police said.
Ria Ramkissoon, the mother of Javon Thompson, was charged Sunday with first-degree murder in the boy’s death. Baltimore police said Monday that three other members of a group called 1 Mind Ministries have also been charged with first-degree murder. Police and Ramkissoon’s family say the group is a cult.
Members did not seek medical care for Javon when he stopped breathing, and the boy died in his mother’s arms, according to court documents. He would have been about 19 months old when police say adults stopped feeding him in December 2006.
Another unnamed informant told police that after Javon died, Antoinette left the boy’s body in a room for more than a week, claiming, “God was going to raise Javon from the dead,” the documents show.
Afterward, Antoinette burned the boy’s clothing and a mattress and placed his body in a green suitcase, which she would periodically open and spray with disinfectant to mask the odor, police claim in the court documents.

Snakes in their head. Snakes in their fucking head. Evil fucking bastards.

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If You’re Going to Commit Animal Cruelty, You May As Well Do It in Style

animalcurelty.jpgHowsa ‘bout a round of applause for Pauline Harpin and her son, Paul, who are responsible for the worst case of animal cruelty in the history of Vermont. Where’s Guinness?

Five cats, two ferrets, a lizard, a gecko, a rabbit, a python, a gerbil, a tarantula, a chinchilla, a guinea pig, a tortoise, a mouse and a malnourished dog were rescued. Found dead were an iguana, a white rat, a hedgehog and at least 15 cats and kittens in various stages of decomposition.
Also found was a decomposing animal of unknown type in a pot on a stove. More than a dozen partially frozen dead animals were found in a refrigerator freezer.

Also included, a four-year-old Labrador mix that’d been living in its own filth in the basement since it was three-months old, as well as a tortoise with a deformed shell.

Of course, the Harpins — who were covered in fleas and had to be decontaminated by a hazardous materials crew — had no idea why the cops were taking away their animals.

“They said they didn’t know why their animals were dying. They were very angry we were taking the animals away from them, and they didn’t offer any information. They simply said `We’re taking care of them, but they’re dying, there’s nothing we can do.’ The response they gave was very strange.”

If you’re looking for a reason, here’s a clue: There was pot in the oven. And the oven makes for one terrible bong.


The Daily Memo - 8/13/08

check.jpgThe most worthless law school class? Almost all of them. The most tedious class? Motherfucking antitrust, sir. (Above the Law)

check.jpgThe author of Left Behind is here to let us know that Obama can’t be the antichrist because he’s an American. Phew! (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgThe feds have busted open a ponzi scheme which took in about $255 million, much of that from Orthodox Jews. Damn it — haven’t my people suffered enough?! (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgThat McCain video using Wayne and Garth? Totally not worthy. (Politico.com)

check.jpgCould Valerie Plame’s lawsuit be moving on up to the Supremes? (SCOTUSblog)

check.jpgThe Unabomber has called out for the Ninth Circuit to help get his shack out of a new DC museum. (WSJ Law Blog)

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Of the two things that are inevitable, doesn’t death seem like the rosier one sometimes?

braveH.jpgThe other inevitability is, of course, taxes. And according to this account, iTunes taxes for everyone are just around the corner. Seventeen states already tax digital downloads, and many others are considering similar legislation, with MA, WY and WA all looking at pending bills. As the blog post points out, states can only tax businesses that are physically within that state, so most of us haven’t felt much of any crunch from these taxes just yet. But it’s only a matter of time before Congress gets its grubby mits into the pie, and then you can kiss your tax-free downloads goodbye.

On the plus side, new legislation in California, which would’ve put a whopping 25% tax on local porn, including internet porn, was kiboshed. So they may tax your music, but they’ll never tax … your poooooooorn.


A Surefire Way to Get Actual Viewers to Tune in to the DNC Convention

Get Stephen Colbert to speak. Give Obama the Colbert bump. After all, he has plenty of experience with political speeches.

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My god, I was this close to getting thrown out of school!

temple-owls.jpgOver the weekend, I stumbled upon an article talking about my undergrad alma mater, Temple (“I could’ve gone anywhere, but I chose Temple” actually means “I could’ve gone anywhere, but I could afford Temple”). Seems that the Owls have been involved in a lawsuit over the school’s sexual harassment policy, which has been in place since 1990. Christian DeJohn, a former Temple student, attacked the policy for being overbroad and susceptible to allowing the school to simply silence speech they disagree with. His lawyer said that the policy “is a speech code that has teeth and that chilled speech on campus.”

And now the Third Circuit has said as much as well, upholding a lower decision that found the policy unconstitutional. The ruling doesn’t hurt Temple much, since they instituted a new police last year. But it did make me realize how lucky I am.

This policy was in effect the whole time I was at Temple and, among other things, it prohibited “generalized sexist remarks and behaviour.” I mean, Jesus Christ. I probably could’ve been kicked out of school twice a day under the policy had they ever tried to enforce it! By the grace of God, man, by the grace of God….

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Obama Sure is Dreamy

All right, so here’s yet another commercial where John McCain tries to paint Obama as a celebrity, though he was smart enough this time to exclude Paris Hilton. Instead, he seems to be comparing Obama to Justin Timberlake, while all the while mocking his supporters. I mean, is this really the way to win an election? It’s one thing to argue your rival’s lack of experience, but to insinuate that his supporters are dumb, boy-band fans? Not cool. Putting aside the substance of Obama, I thought we could all at least agree that it was great that he got young people involved again, right?

Maybe not. I think McCain is suggesting that, like Obama, anyone under 30 doesn’t have even enough experience to cast a vote. Bitter old bitch.

Oh, and Wayne’s World references? Come on, John. That hasn’t been funny in … never.

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Man Rides a Horse. Then He Rides a Horse.

lion_riding_horse.jpgThose frisky fucking Brits. Last month, a British man was caught with his britches down after making sweet sweet love to a baaaaaaaad sheep. This month: A 60 year old Brit sowed his oats with a horsie. Neeeeeyyyy.

A shocked motorist called cops claiming the perv was performing an indecent act on the animal in a field by a busy dual carriageway.
The man, in his 60s, was arrested on suspicion of bestiality by appalled cops and quizzed in West London.
Yesterday a source said: “He says he is attracted to horses and couldn’t resist it when he saw the animal in the field.

I wonder, while a guy’s riding a horse, if he uses a crop? Cause that’ll piss off those PETA folks.

(H/T Julia)

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Hey! Whats Worse than Rain on Your Wedding Day-ay?

hwang_08_couple-in-rain_big_500.jpgOoooh. Oooooh. I know! I know! Pick me! Pick me!

How about getting arrested for criminal contempt and being jailed without bail? For violating a restraining order. Put out by your bride!

A New York state man has been arrested for getting too close to his bride on their wedding day. Police said Timothy Cole quarreled with a wedding guest at a party Friday after wedding his ex-wife in Batavia.
Officers knew the 45-year-old Cole from previous arrests and realized his bride had an order of protection against him.

Not much of a honeymoon when you can’t get 100 feet from your wife. I mean, unless your hammer is 100 feet and six inches long. And by hammer … Oh fuck it.

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The Daily Memo - 8/12/08

check.jpgMmmmm … beef. (Above the Law)

check.jpgJudge to juror — “STFU with your nullificaiton nonsense.” (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgDoes a McCain speech writer love him/herself some Wikipedia? (CQ Politics)

check.jpgCould this gal be a future Supreme? (WSJ Law Blog)


Well I’m already going to jail, so I might as well tell the Jersey cops how I really feel

mugshot-middle-finger.jpg

(From The Smoking Gun, of course.)


I’m surprised this is the first such story I’ve ever read

webcam.jpgDown in Florida, Craig Matthew Feigin has gotten into some trouble over his computer repair job. Seems that he was rigging fixed laptops so that their webcams would snap illicit pics and send them to a remote server. In one instance, Feigin got over 20,000 photos, including some bedroom nudie shots.

His undoing came from a woman noticing that her laptop battery life had gone to shit, and that her laptop’s camera light would flick on whenever she got near the camera. Things quickly unraveled after that, and Feigin was hauled away to face some Florida computer crimes, which could land him a felony and some serious jail time.

Sadly, the article doesn’t mention whether this woman is someone one might actually want to see elicit pics of, which is naturally the question on all of our minds. Since it’s Florida, the odds are highly in favor of her either being a model/co-ed or a septuagenarian. Quite a difference between the two, you know?

(Hat tip to reader Mark S.)


Oh yeah? Well let’s take it to the YouTube, bitches!

A staffer for Obama is using the interwebs to debunk one of McCain’s ads calling Obama out for being nothing more than a celebrity….

Of course, the trouble is that the folks who are probably most susceptible to and influenced by these ads are the least likely to stumble across this YouTube video in the first place….


McCain in Eight Years

Worried about voting for McCain? Do you fear that, because of his ripe age, he may drop dead before finishing out two terms as President? Well, fear no more. According to this time-lapse photography, McCain will survive all eight years, he’ll just look like a hideous, troll monstrosity when it’s over.

Troll Monstrosity ‘08!

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Sour Grapes Takes New, Speculative Turn

John_Edwards_NYCasdf.jpgYou gotta love that, despite finally conceding the nomination to Barack Obama and, allegedly, supporting him in his bid to become the Prez, Hillary Clinton — or at least her former Communications Director — is now suggesting that, had the national media pursued the John Edwards’ affair, Clinton would’ve won the nomination.

“I believe we would have won Iowa, and Clinton today would therefore have been the nominee,” former Clinton Communications Director Howard Wolfson told ABCNews.com.
Clinton finished third in the Iowa caucuses barely behind Edwards in second place and Obama in first. The momentum of the insurgent Obama campaign beating two better-known candidates — not to mention an African-American winning in such an overwhelmingly white state — changed the dynamics of the race forever.
Obama won 37.6 per cent of the vote. Edwards won 29.7 per cent and Clinton won 29.5 per cent, according to results posted by the Iowa Democratic Party.
“Our voters and Edwards’ voters were the same people,” Wolfson said the Clinton polls showed. “They were older, pro-union. Not all, but maybe two-thirds of them would have been for us and we would have barely beaten Obama.”

The woman just won’t take the blame, will she? Has she yet repudiated these comments? And does Edwards’ penis change the ultimate outcome? No. But it’s nice to see her and her ilk try to take down the Dems in furtherance of her own goddamn ego. So, let’s all unite behind Obama, the “technical” winner of the nomination.

Of course, if it were true, that should be enough to get Edwards a slot on the ticket! His father worked in a mill, after all. And probably had the good sense to keep his dick in his pants.

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Meh

The official Obama response/attack ad to McCain’s “Obama is a celebrity” ad is kind of disappointing, mostly because 1) attack ads don’t suit Obama, and 2) by making the claim that McCain is the real celebrity, even jokingly, Obama sort of legitimizes McCain’s earlier claims that Obama was the celebrity candidate. Instead of accepting that he is a celebrity candidate, making a few light-hearted self-deprecating quips, and letting Paris Hilton do the rest, Obama is instead stooping to McCain’s level and trying to make it a competition about who is the bigger celebrity. Obama will lose that argument every time, by which I mean he’ll win as biggest celebrity.


The Daily Memo - 8/11/08

check.jpgBreath easy, DC — the kickball lawsuit has been dismissed! (Deadspin)

check.jpgIn shocking news, attorneys who get bonuses bordering around $200,000 are satisfied with their compensation. (Above the Law)

check.jpgThe California Supremes have given the judicial middle finger to non-compete clauses. (Law.com)

check.jpgThe new make-up of the Supreme Court doesn’t like throwing out laws full tilt. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgDoesn’t pubic hair just give ribeye a nice, musky taste? So what’s the big fucking deal? (Above the Law)

check.jpgCourt to law firm’s hourly employee — you should’ve quit smoking, lady. (Law.com)

check.jpgDirector/actor Peter Berg is being sued over an assistant propmaster who dies during the filming of The Kingdom. (Cinematical)


Maybe he shouldn’t stay up so late watching his stories

mccain.jpgAw, poor whittle Johnny McCain needs some more sweep….

In the meantime, McCain said he would concentrate on getting more sleep when he can.
“If I put in three or four 18-hour, 20-hour days in a row, I’m not sharp. It’s just a fact,” the Republican senator from Arizona said. “I’m more sharp if I get a little rest.”
McCain said he feels best sleeping until 7:30 or 8 a.m., as opposed to his usual morning drill of rising at 5:30 or 6 a.m. (Source)

And how, exactly, is he going to handle the grueling job of President, should he win? Hell, even Bush manages to get his ass up early just about every morning (I believe I’ve heard he’s up around 5 a.m. although, to be fair, mother fucker sure takes a lot of vacations).

(Hat tip: The Jed Report)

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So wait, a poorly-executed raid that kills a mayor’s dogs is a bad thing?


Leave my football alone!

high-school-football.jpgA member of the New Jersey State Supreme Court may soon find himself sued by Conor Larkin, a former stud football player for a local Jersey high school. Seems that Larkin gave the judge’s son a rough time at football practice, allegedly hitting him once last September, and then allegedly head-butting him at a later practice. The school said this was all just an accident, but Daddy Justice wasn’t having any of that.

So he called the local police chief, who dispatched a detective to Daddy Justice’s house, and they had a sit down which eventually led to a criminal complaint of assault against Larkin. Daddy Justice then called the school and demanded that things be taken care of there, although nothing came of that. Daddy Justice also called a lower-level judge to let him know about the complaint, and he gave the local prosecutor a ring too.

All of which got Daddy Justice censured by the other Justices sitting on the state Supreme Court, which in turn led to Daddy Justice apologizing for the appearance of impropriety. And now, Larkin may be permitted to go forward with a civil suit against Daddy Justice for these shenanigans, although he probably won’t be allowed to sue the state for discrimination.

But my problem here is that Daddy Justice didn’t apologize for being an asshole sports parent or, more importantly, about possibly fucking up my Sundays. Lookit — Larkin was the captain of the team at the time, and a senior, while Daddy Justice’s kid was a sophomore lineman. Which means, he takes what the captain gives him. End of story. That’s how tomorrow’s football players are mind-manipulated into the warriors we need them to be. And when asshole sports parents, let alone judicial asshole sports parents, get in the mix, that can only have negative ramifications on my glorious NFL games in years to come. And anything that fucks with my football fix is bad news. So stop it, people. Just stop it.


We Should All Judge the Candidates w/How the Handle Wingnuts

Photographer insists on Pledge of Allegiance before Obama rally

Of course, while Obama successfully uses crazy to his advantage, McCain can’t even answer a simple question without stumbling all over his awkwardness:

I’m actually embarrassed on behalf of McCain supporters.

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Red Sox vs. Yankees — Lawsuit Style

large_red sox yankees fight.jpg A few years ago, because I really wanted to experience Yankee Stadium, despite my feverish hatred for the Yankees, I attended a game with a Yankees fan. I knew better than to open my goddamn mouth and announce my affiliation (I was living in Boston at the time, and was, by default, a Red Sox fan). And after the Yankees stomped the Sox, because I’m not a true Sox fan (I’m a Braves guy) I actually found some sick amusement with a Yankees chant they were hollering at a group of Sox fans as they walked out of the stadium: “Four Hour Ride Home! Four Hour Ride Home!” Harmless, but fun. But that’s only because the Yankees won. And because we accepted the loss. Not so with this guy:

When 40-year-old Charles Hillios traveled to Yankee Stadium on Aug. 29, 2007, to watch his Boston Red Sox take on the rival New York Yankees, his team wasn’t the only one to take a beating.

Nearly a year later, Hillios has filed a federal lawsuit against the Yankees, a stadium security firm and two Yankees fans he claims beat him during the game.
Hillios said he’s been inundated with calls from the media since the suit was filed in U.S. District Court in Manhattan on Tuesday. He told the New York Post this week, “I got beat up because I’m a Red Sox fan.”
In the lawsuit, Hillios says he was harassed by two Yankees fans because he was cheering for the Red Sox. The suit says that security at the ballpark warned the two Yankees fans to leave Hillios alone, but when Hillios went to the concession stand the two men followed him and “viciously attacked and physically assaulted” him.

No offense, dude. But if you’re dumb enough to let Yankees’ fans know you’re a Red Sox fan — and no doubt brag about your place in the standings (at the time, the Sox were on their way to a division win), you should smart enough to know what’s coming. And you don’t bring a lawsuit, you just take your frustrations out on a Yankees fan next time you’re at Fenway. It’s the Red Sawks way!


Dating — Forced Subjugation Style

large_flag_of_russia.gif Well, I guess we know how they find dates in in Russia. They do it wrong. And the men are condoned for it.

An unnamed executive, a 22-year-old from St Petersburg, had been hoping to become only the third woman in Russia’s history to bring a successful sexual harassment action against a male employer.
She alleged she had been locked out of her office after she refused to have intimate relations with her 47-year-old boss.
“He always demanded that female workers signalled to him with their eyes that they desperately wanted to be laid on the boardroom table as soon as he gave the word,” she earlier told the court. “I didn’t realise at first that he wasn’t speaking metaphorically.”
The judge said he threw out the case not through lack of evidence but because the employer had acted gallantly rather than criminally.
If we had no sexual harassment we would have no children,” the judge ruled.

Jesus. Who would want to have children in that environment? Nobody wants to have a daughter knowing that she’s ultimately going to become a victim of sexual harassment in furtherance of propagating the species. Hell — they aren’t species, they’re fucking assholes.


Shhhhh, let the kids get their beauty rest

sleeping-theives.jpgIf I tell you that two men stole pillows and backpacks from a department store, and then I show you this picture, I think you know where this story is going right?

Yeah.

[P]olice followed a trail of cardboard and items from storage containers in a locked area behind the store that led to the two men. One was sleeping in a stolen hammock and the other on a pile of stolen pillows.
Police photographed the men before waking and arresting them.

And, shockingly, the police suggest that alcohol may have been involved.


Take my wife, please

henny-youngman.jpgIn India, a man has gotten himself in some trouble after trying to get divorced. Sanjib Saha went to court with his wife, and both said they wanted a divorce. Based on their mutual desire, the court happily granted the request.

But, whoops — turns out that the woman who attended court with Saha was a fake wife, and now that his real wife has found out about the divorce, she’s appealed the decision, charging her husband with cheating on her and causing the divorce to be suspended. Well played, Mr. Saha, well played.


Maybe He Was Trying to Remove Nails from His Arse?

curved_claw_hammer.jpgToday is kinky-freaky messed-up sexual acts Thursday, y’all. First we give you a post about a woman and her boyfriend who had videotaped sex with three dogs (because, really, that’s something you want to share with the world), and now we offer up a man who was getting fresh with a claw hammer.

A Fort Wayne man was arrested Monday for felony Public Indecency after police saw him standing naked in the window of his home.
Around 10:30 p.m. Monday evening, a Fort Wayne officer was driving in the 4500 block of S. Hanna St. when he noticed a naked man standing in front of a large picture window of his home with his genital region clearly visible to those on the street.
According to the officer, the blinds were not pulled shut and the front door was wide open, giving a clear view inside the home.
Together, with another responding officer, the two walked up to the home and found the naked man, then on the couch, conducting a lewd act with a claw hammer, plastic bag and motor oil.
The man, Ronald Miller, did not acknowledge the officer’s presence until they addressed him and still did not say anything.

Maybe you good folks could help me read between the lines here — what sort of lewd act is even possible with a claw hammer, a plastic bag, and motor oil? Not that I want to think about it particularly hard, but I can’t even imagine what he was doing, but I do understand why he didn’t acknowledges the officer’s presence — I mean, what are you gonna say? Pardon, officer — you mind if I take a second and remove this claw hammer from my ass?

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Talk about Childhood Trauma

J26mug.jpgTrue story: I, like 42 percent of all American children (according to a hobo I just asked — Los Angeles hobos are so full of knowledge!), have inadvertently walked in on their parents having sex. For me: Let’s just say it wasn’t a pleasing experience, and I never looked at my mother’s incisor the same way again (don’t ask). But you know what? I got off easy — imagine finding a bunch of pornographic videotapes of your mom having sex … with a dog. No. Three dogs. I shit you not:

A woman who was charged with committing felony crimes against nature was arrested this morning after police were notified of more than 150 homemade movies of the Tulsa County woman engaging in various sex acts with dogs. Donald Roy Seigfried, 55 and Diane Sue Whalen 54, were charged with the crime, which deals with bestiality.
Authorities were notified of the tapes after Whalen’s son accidentally stumbled onto one of the movies and then alerted the sheriff’s department. The tapes, along with three dogs — a Labrador, a blue heeler and a mixed breed — were also taken into custody. Bowman said his office is recommending that they be taken away from the suspects and be put down.

Crimes against nature? What about those poor dogs? Most dogs don’t have particularly high standards, but good God — they could do a lot better than that woman. I hope they were put down, if only to spare them from the mental imagery they must be saddled with. Gawd.

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Sandwich Artist?! Pfffffff.

0805081subway1.jpgThere are few things more important to a man than a well made sandwich. Too much mustard, a shred of misplaced lettuce, or a stray and unwanted jalapeno can completely ruin an otherwise delicious footlong. Most people, unfortunately, don’t understand the “art” of a sandwich, even those motherfucking so-called “sandwich artists.” My ass. Finally, someone took a stand. Check it, courtesy of The Smoking Gun:

Meet Reginald Peterson. The 42-year-old Florida man became so upset last Thursday when a pair of subs “did not include ‘everything’ as he had requested,” he called Jacksonville cops “so that the police could have his sandwich made to his specifications,” according to a Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office report. Peterson, pictured in the below mug shot, was arrested on a misdemeanor charge of placing false 911 calls. A Subway employee told cops that an irate Peterson was “screaming at everyone in the business” because a worker could not seem to rectify the sandwich problem.

Why the hell would they arrest the guy? If you ordered a new car, and you paid for the undercoating, and you didn’t get the undercoating, that’s theft, right? And if you ask for a good sandwich, and they don’t give you a good sandwich, they are breaking the implied contract. Just because footlongs are now $5 at all participating Subways doesn’t mean the “artist” can get lazy on your ass. I hope, at the very least, that Peterson got his money back. And some subway stamps for his trouble. Sheez. Whatever happened to an honest wage?

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The Daily Memo - 8/7/08

check.jpgAh, the cold offer. The firm’s refuge for not hiring someone without, they hope, tarnishing their reputation on law school campuses. (Above the Law)

check.jpgYeah, Russia’s got all the kinks in the system worked out. …Jesus. (Supreme Dicta)

check.jpgWith a split verdict, a military commission convicted Hamdan, and now, bring on the appeals. And if you need an appellate lawyer, I know this guy…. (SCOTUSblog)

check.jpgIn an article about a condo buyer and the use of Trump’s name, the only loser is the reader. Seriously, don’t bother clicking this link — I couldn’t even make it through the first two paragraphs. I’m not even sure why the hell I’m including it, except I’m too lazy to now delete this text. (Law.com)

check.jpgThe latest Zogby poll says McCain and Obama are statistically neck-and-neck. (Red, Green and Blue)


Get bent, tax man!

get-bent-taxman.jpgRandy Nowak is the owner of a construction company in Florida. He was being audited by the IRS and was understandably freaked out by the possibility of owing $300,000 in back taxes. So he hired a hitman to take out the IRS agent auditing him.

Trouble is, the hitman Nowak gave $20,000 to was actually an undercover FBI agent.

Oh, and Nowak wasn’t just freaked about owing back taxes — allegedly, he was worried the Feds would find $4 million he had hidden in various offshore accounts.

You know, he might get a jury to sympathize with his desire to kill the tax man if it wasn’t for that whole $4 million business. Too bad.

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When she says she isn’t in the mood, believe her

Members of the Christopher Street Day demonstr... Australian Jean Meiers, 58, is on trial for manslaughter. She is accused of “failing her duty of care” in the case of her lover, Geoffrey Braunack, 47. In a case of what the defense calls “bondage gone wrong”, Meiers claims she reluctantly strung Braunack up, then took a shower. When she got back, he was dead:

Sen Const Moore said Meiers was yelling: “I killed him, he’s f**k;ing dead, he’s dead” and “I told the f**king idiot he wouldn’t get out of this one”.
Ms Meiers became hysterical when she was told her partner had died, Sen Const Moore said.
She said Ms Meiers had told her that Mr Braunack had badgered her for hours to tie him “like she used to” but that she had never liked playing her partner’s sex games.

Let this be a lesson to you all: do not half-ass the BDSM, people. If everyone involved isn’t giving 100%, stuff like this happens.


Man, I so don’t want to know what he was going to do with them

killer-bunny.jpgLast month, a British man was arrested for busting onto a local farm, causing £70,000 of damage. The reason for this break in was, apparently, to steal 129 rabbits. The man was arrested after a joint operation between the police forces of three villages, showing how little they must have to deal with over there.

While the news report does not include the man’s name, QuizLaw reporters have it on good authority that his first name is Elmer.

See, because … you know … Bugs and … Fudd? See what I did there?

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People suffering in the bad economy do the strangest things

stolen-lamp-post.jpg…especially when they live in Miami, Florida. That’s where 42-year-old Elio Valero was busted for stealing a street lamp. One of the big 40 foot suckers.

The cops saw a minivan driving down the street with a huge light pole strapped to its roof which, you know, totally isn’t suspicious. They pulled Valero over as he was pulling up to a recycling center, and he said that he was disabled and hard-up for cash thanks to the poor economy. Then he laid out this interesting argument:

Hey, if I’m doing this to recycle, everybody else should do what they damn need to.

I’m not exactly sure what his point is, but I’m sold.

As for how he got the pole, Valero said it had been laying on the ground for a few months and once nobody bothered to pick it up, he took business into his own hands.

And here’s the kicker:

While police were arresting Valero, a second man, Joseph Moniz, 39, came peddling a manhole cover to the recycling center. Officers promptly arrested him.

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The One Where Seth Blows the Doors off the Courthouse

rocky460.jpg And so: Seth and I triumphantly return from the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals seemingly assured victory; actually, Seth is doing most of the triumphantness - he’s got a real job, so I’m his proxy, which means I can speak on behalf of him without modesty. Dude rocked it komodo-dragon style.

First, the Ninth Circuit courthouse in Pasadena is, like, the nicest court house in all of these lands - situated in a residential area, it’d be easy to mistake it for a rich dude’s house were it not for the parking lot sign that warns, “Do not fuck with us; we have camera controlled firearms aimed at your head” (or something like that).

Seth was third on the docket, but his case came up sooner, because the lawyer for defense in the second case failed to appear, and a call revealed that the lady had decided to go on vacation this week. I have no idea what kind of massive fuck-up forgets to show up to an appellate hearing in the Ninth Circuit, but if she has a boss, she probably doesn’t anymore. Sheesh.

Anyway, Seth stepped up, introduced himself, and basically rocked the foundation of the courthouse with his eloquence. Truthfully, though: He was good, really fucking good. He never missed a beat, and even when the three-judge panel tried to knock him back, he stood firm, conceded points where it was wise to do so and confidently, vociferously argued his stronger points (of which there were many), and definitely came out on top on the central issue of the case. Unfortunately, his client’s first lawyer was an absolute bonehead, and the judges said as much (“There are a lot of bad immigration lawyers, but this guy is even worse.”). Government counsel didn’t fare as well, but to be fair, she was saddled with a lousy case and some embarrassingly awful government talking points - for a few minutes, the panel nailed her to the wall and watched her wriggle. She withstood it as best as to be expected.

By the end, a few things had become fairly clear: 1) There are a lot of really bad immigration lawyers, who in turn leave a huge mess for the clearly superior appellate lawyers; 2) By and large, the immigration law judges bend over backwards to deny asylum petitions - they will use any excuse they can find to send folks back to their homeland, persecution be damned. And 3) the Ninth Circuit (or at least this panel) seems to recognize what’s going on, and they seem to looking for a good excuse to grant those petitions for asylum. And it was apparent that Seth had provided that good excuse.

The opinion probably won’t be out for a few weeks or months, but based on how the hearing went, there was about an 80 percent chance Seth won. And even if he somehow doesn’t, dude looked like he belonged behind the podium. It was really cool to watch.

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Sometimes, it’s Mischief Night every night

broken-eggs.jpgIn Lansdale, Pennsylvania, a couple “is accused of damaging the property of more than 400 people during an 18-month egging spree.” Seems Philip Fleck and his girlfriend Heather Darcy were retaliating against friends for various things they claim had been done to them, and then decided to egg lots of other houses so suspicion wouldn’t fall on them.

Brilliant plan, eggheads!


Paris Hilton for President?

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The Daily Memo - 8/6/08

check.jpgA Red Sawx fan is suing the Yanks and a couple of Yanks fans. (SI)

check.jpgWhat legal fiction makes your life more miserable? For my money, it’s definitely trying to live up to the standard of Jack McCoy. (Above the Law)

check.jpgNewspaper deliveryman busted! Read all about it! (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgJohn McCain, the absentee Senator, to Barack Obama: “Please come back to work.” (The Caucus)

check.jpgGotti … like father, like son. (LawInfo)


The One Where Seth Transcends the Blog

fedcourt.jpg Truth: There are mornings when I wake up, sit down at my computer with a cup of coffee and a pistol with one in the chamber (you never know, do you?) and wonder to myself as I’m scouring the Internet for stupidity: Why do we bother? What do we get out of this beyond the comfort that some jackass in Florida is dumber than we are, if only by a smidge?

But there’s something crucial at the heart of this blog, something illusive, rarely talked about, and pushed deep into the back pages where few of you dare tread (it’s also where all the advertising exists - go there. Now. Fall into its trance). And that’s the “law.” Yeah: The motherfucking law. Funny word, huh? Say it a few times and see if you don’t start thinking about cole slaw. Anyway, though you’d be hard pressed to recognize it, both Seth and I actually did attend law school, and we both passed the bar. And one of us is even qualified to write about things more substantive than the criminal use of duct tape (no, seriously: It’s good stuff - you can even use it as a mask).

The point is: Today, one of us - the one who doesn’t fritter his time away writing about movies and celebrity gossip - is actually arguing in front of the Ninth Circuit. (Hint: It’s Seth.) For those of you unfamiliar with the Ninth Circuit, first of all: The fuck? Did you not take a civics course in high school? You not know anything about Article III, you dumb shit? What - you forgot all about that little tree graph of the judicial branch on page 142 of your American Government text, where the Ninth Circuit is placed one step below the Supreme Court (which has nine justices, though the average person can identify less than two). Yeah … that Ninth Circuit.

And this is not just any case: It’s a case with real goddamn meaning - it’s not about a guy who left his baby in the car while he went and saw a midnight screening of The Dark Knight. No sir: This one may be life and death. It’s actually an immigration case involving a Chinese man seeking asylum in the United States. His family was arrested and his mother beaten back in China, because this man sent Christian literature back home. And if this man is returned to China, as the government hopes to do, he’ll likely face extreme punishment. Because they don’t like Christians in China. Cause they’re commies. No. Really. They are. And Commies hate God. True story.

So, this morning, while you’re reading this, Seth will be arguing this man’s case in the second-highest court in the land (well, it’s tied for second, at least). And this man’s life will depend on it, at least in a legal sense. And what will you be doing besides scouring the Internet for stories about stupid people? Oh, and … take that, Lat. Where’d that Yale Law degree get you, buddy? How many times have you argued in front of the Ninth Circuit?

That’s what I thought.

We’ll have a full report this afternoon; I put on a suit for the first time in years to see this. I cannot fucking wait.

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“Man’s gay pussy defense fall flat”

cat-hat.jpgIf that headline from Queerty didn’t do it for you, maybe this little write-up of the story will:

Doesn’t José Maria Correi know gay men don’t do pussy?
Apparently not, because the 53-year old Brazilian national has been found guilty of attempted murder after shooting a neighbor he thought was another neighbor whom Correi claims sodomized his cat, thus turning it gay.


I’ll see your pile of chips and raise you a dime bag

I’m speechless.

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How Drunk is this Guy?

Here’s a minute and twenty-three seconds you won’t see on “America’s Funniest Home Videos,” though you really should. Dude would make an excellent addition to “Extreme Home Makeover” — he can demolish walls with his face!

Seriously: Watch this video. If, after viewing it, you aren’t satisfied, we’ll give you a full refund.


Party While You’re Alive, Sleep When Your Dea … Oops

father-son-redfish-lrg.jpg Down in Florida, fathers teach their kids more than just how to throw a ball, how to catch a fish, or how to build a crummy corner shelf for the garage. They like to teach their youngin’s how to party!

A Gulf Coast man was charged with murder after he said he gave his 15-year-old son powerful prescription drugs because he wanted the boy to know “how to party right.”
Steven Alfano was charged with third-degree murder after son Vincent died of an accidental overdose in June.
Witnesses said the 47-year-old Spring Hill man showed his son how to crush and snort pills like the painkiller oxycodone and the heroin substitute methadone.

When my kid turns 15, I expect we’ll have a similar lesson in “how to party.” It’ll go something like this: “Son, first you put you put your left foot in, then you put your left foot out, and if you’re feeling particularly adventurous, you can shake that bad boy all about. Here, have some soda!”


Big Ladies Denied Club Entrance

news006.jpgA Jersey nightclub (duh?) got into some hot water over the weekend when they started denying entrance to overweight women.

Police were called to calm the situation outside the Halkett Street club as bouncers and manager Martin Sayers allegedly told women to “go away and lose some weight.”
Over 20 women are expected to give statements to the police today and a Facebook page, labelled Havana Club Jersey Discrimination and using an image from US cartoon Family Guy, has already attracted over 100 supporters calling for Islanders to boycott the club …
‘When the manager came out he would not look at me directly but said that they had received too many complaints about fat people and he told me: “Go and lose some weight before you can come in - fat people are bad for business.”

Tacky? Yes. Douchetastic? Of course. Illegal? Afraid not. And it makes no sense, anyway: Bigger women need more alcohol to get drunk, which is good for business, right?

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The Daily Memo - 8/5/08

check.jpgWho’s more neutral, NFL referees or federal judges? (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgA NJ appeal court is letting a client sue his lawyer for malpractice where that malpractice forced the client to settle a lawsuit. (Law.com)

check.jpgBlawg Review #171 is like a virgin. (The IP ADR Blog)

check.jpgThe G-men are looking into firebombing attacks on Cali scientists who have the gall to conduct biomedical research. (LawInfo)

check.jpgJudge to Bratz plaintiff: “No mistrial for you!” (Law.com)


Common area, schmommon area

condo-balcony.jpgRemember how I was talking about wanting to forcibly secede Florida from the Union? Case in point….

Bobbi Desotello is having a fight with his neighboring condo owners. Seems that there is a shared balcony that he uses to get to some stairs that take him down to the water where his boat is parked. Trouble is, his crusty next door neighbors claim they own their portion of the balcony as private property, even though the condo association bylaws call it a common area, and the stairs were paid for by all of the condo owners.

So when Desotello walks down the balcony to take the stairs to his boats, he says: “I get yelled at, screamed at, cursed at, threatened, spit on or attempted to spit on.”

And why has this been going on for over a year? Because, as the unnamed neighbor explained, in reference to his wife: “She wants to walk here naked.”

Florida!


Don’t let the Georgia hit your ass on the way out

ga-fl.jpgI’ll never forget the cover of an edition of City Paper I stumbled upon when I was in high school — it called for Philadelphia to secede from the rest of Pennsylvania because the city folk felt that they had nothing in common with Pennsyltucky. It was, of course, mostly tongue in cheek, but as with much satire, there was a serious bit of truth underlying it all.

Anyway, I was reminded of this when I stumbled upon a blog post noting that 22% of Americans believe that states should have the right to peacefully secede from the Union. I’m all for secession, but more importantly, I’m for forced secession. First up … who else? See you the fuck later, Florida!

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You can seed the ground, but if you water the seedling, you gotta pay for it to become a tree

homer-sperm.jpgI was going to embed the video for you right here, but apparently ABC only wants its videos posted on massively popular or corporate sites. So you’ll have to click here to watch the report about a sperm donor who’s been ordered pay child support.

(Hat tip to reader Kristen E.)

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Embittered Old Bitch Plays Arugula Card

mccainasdfasdfasdf.jpgStick your nose out the window, McCain. What’s that you smell? Oh, desperation? Rank as hell, ain’t it? Hell: How involved has Karl Rove gotten in McCain’s campaign that he’s now resorting to this elitist line of bullshit again. The latest? This, from the McCain Campaign:

“Only celebrities like Barack Obama go to the gym three times a day, demand ‘MET-RX chocolate roasted-peanut protein bars and bottles of a hard-to-find organic brew—Black Forest Berry Honest Tea’ and worry about the price of arugula.” (Source)

Not that Rove/McCain don’t know what they’re doing — they’re basically giving closet racists a way to work around their white guilt by giving them an excuse to vote against Barack Obama, based on character. But putting aside the fact that none of this has anything to do with actual, substantive issues, where the hell does McCain come off calling Obama an elitist while he travels around the country in his wife’s private jet? I’m sure they only eat Hamburger Helper with their $1,000 bottle of wines, though.

And I like arugula. A lot. And I’m little more than highly-educated white trash (Hamburger Helper … mmmm).

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Advertisements that Work*

billboardcrazy.jpg

(H/T Wonkette)

* (Copyright Agent Bedhead)


Skip Caray 1939 - 2008

150px-SkipCaray.PNGI write for three sites, yet have no good place to grieve over Skip Caray, who died in his sleep over the weekend. And since my colleague over at WIMB throws stones at my head when I write about sports over there, QL is the benefactor of this completely off-topic post.

I loved Skip Caray. The droll, often sarcastic broadcaster for the Atlanta Braves over the last 33 years had been relegated mostly to radio broadcasting over the last couple of years and, even before that, he’d started to sound a little like his old man, Harry Caray, in his later years, i.e., a little drunk and a little senile. But he was always entertaining. I grew up on Skip — in fact, between the ages of 10 and 22, there’s probably nobody I spent more of my life with than Skip Caray, back when TBS broadcast 140 games a year, few of which I missed. He was a comforting voice, wry and witty, and he introduced me to the phrase, “a can of corn.” And during the dark years, 1984 - 1990, Caray often even made fun of the Braves, as only a man who loved them could. (He once said during a broadcast: “And like lambs to the slaughter, the Braves take the field.”) He was a homer, through and through, and even when TBS tried to telecast the Braves games a little more objectively, Caray resisted, always referring to the Braves as “us” and “we.” (They took him off the air at one point, but the Braves fans got him back on within weeks).

He was a good guy. And though I haven’t heard him in a few years, when I heard of his death, I felt a deep pang, the ache of my childhood. Skip Caray will always be tied to my favorite sports moment, ever: The 1992 NLCS, when Sid Bream scored on a Francisco Cabrera single, putting the Braves in the World Series:

“Here comes Bream! Here’s the throw to the plate! He iiiiiiiisssssssss … safe! Braves win! Braves win! Braves win! Braves win! … Braves win!”

Damn: I wish I could find video of that somewhere. It was the first and only time I’d ever wept at a sporting event.

RIP Skip Caray. You’ll be missed, old man.

Update: Thanks Kushiro for the video. I could listen to it over and over again. In fact, I think I will.

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The Daily Memo - 8/4/08

check.jpgWhat, you’re saying associates wouldn’t love BigLaw if they weren’t getting paid mad money? Naaaaah. (Law.com)

check.jpgSo wait, this laptop detention thing is a bad thing, you say? (The Legal Satyricon)

check.jpgWe got a whole bunch of propositions to vote for this fall in Cali. (LAist)

check.jpgCongress is trying to do something good for the People, by moving towards a permanent ban on cell phone use on airplanes. (Gizmodo)

check.jpgLast week was a long one for the new laws of the Bush administration. (Slate)

check.jpgA Buffalo lawyer who used to be a prosecutor and state court clerk is planning to plead guilty to federal conspiracy charges “involving the transportation of illegal alien prostitutes across state lines.” (The Buffalo News)


Mini Me files lawsuit over folks getting to see his mini-mini-me

mini-me.jpgJust when we were getting the trauma of the Verne Troyer sex tape out of our collectively scarred minds, Mr. Troyer has to go and bring it back to the forefront by filing a lawsuit against his former gal pal over the tape. Troyer says that she let this tape out and, worse yet or hilariously yet, depending on your perspective), that she used and abused him when they were together.

The ex-girlfriend’s lawyer plays this whole thing off as dirty shenanigans, saying the complaint was leaked before even being filed or served on his client. It’s “an abomination of the legal process” according to him. More humorously, he says that Troyer is nothing more than a “trivial celebrity” who’s “vindictive” and “heartbroken” and just using this lawsuit to keep himself in the public eye. Yeah, and your point?

And for the sake of humanity and all that’s good in the world, I plead with Mr. Troyer to please keep yourself out of the public eye. Seriously, why couldn’t you let the “The Surreal Life” image of you pissing in the corner of a house while standing on your little indoor moped thinger be the lasting memory? Why?


Reviewing documents, pole dancing, blow jobs … all in a day’s work

stripper-pole.jpgLast Tuesday, a former legal assistant filed a lawsuit against the public defender she used to work for, claiming that she faced retaliation after complaining about the behavior of male lawyers in the office. Jessica A. Schwartz claims that some of the lawyers made sexually degrading remarks, such as suggesting that she should do a stripper-pole dance in her office.

But I’ll tell you what. Schwartz had it easy. She could’ve been Angela Robinson, a paralegal who claims that her boss encouraged her to give a witness a blowjob when his deposition testimony wasn’t going so well. She also claims retaliation, saying she was fired after threatening to rat out her boss for his attempts to defraud Fen-Phen plaintiffs.

The next time the paralegals at my firm complain about their jobs, I’m sending them right to this entry to make them realize how easy they’ve got it. …Alternatively, maybe it’s time to get a stripper’s pole put into the office.


Oh the books I would read but that I only had the time…

your-witness.jpgA while back I was given this book for the site to review. It’s called Your Witness: Lessons on Cross-Examination and Life from Great Chicago Trial Lawyers and it is, as the title might suggest, a bunch of stories and anecdotes from various Chicago trial lawyers. I started reading it and was actually quite enjoying it. Unfortunately, I then got slammed at work and haven’t been able to pick it back up since, and I can’t really give it a full on review having only read a 20-odd pages (I have no doubt that there are book reviewers out there who do just such a thing, but that ain’t me).

But I can throw a link up to the book’s new promotional website, Your Witness for 30 Days. Over the next month, the site will be posting “snippets of wisdom” from the book. For example, the first entry is this nugget from R. Eugene Pincham:

“Cross-examining a witness who has made a contradictory statement on the witness stand from what he said in a written statement that you have is far better than sex. It lasts longer. There’s nothing like it.”


“Our Mayor is here to protect our police from … ah … our police”

superhero.jpgIn Wellston, Missouri … well, uhm … yeah.

Tempers flare, fists fly and a gun is drawn when a fight breaks out between the Wellston police chief and his assistant chief. The mayor got in the middle and an ambulance had to be called. Now a criminal investigation is underway. The department’s two top cops got physical with each other Friday. The mayor tried to break up the fight. The assistant chief has been suspended. Pine Lawn police are investigating. (Source)

And City Hall’s statement about the situation was very comforting and reassuring:

First and foremost, I want to assure the citizens of Wellston that our city is, as always, being protected. The safety of this community and its citizens is my first concern. Secondly, the confrontation between the two police officers was an unfortunate occurrence, and will be dealt with as soon as the investigation is completed.


It’s Friday. Let’s Dance.

You can try, but you will never find a better music video: Three solid minutes of Walken doing the Friday dance. Because we need it. Now: Crank up the cowbell and drink to Walken, motherfuckers.


The Legend of Seth

blackSheep.jpgI’m actually writing this Friday afternoon post late last night after getting home from a too-late night in the office night. Which means I’m a little punch-drunk, so I’m endlessly amused by this headline, sent in by reader Jennifer S.:

Briton arrested for sex attacks on sheep

However, I refuse to click through to the story because, in my current state of exhaustion, I fear that this could lead to dirty and disturbing dreams. So instead, I’m going to rewatch this amazingly wonderful first episode of a new web series and hope that, instead of waking up ready to face another day at BigLaw, that I instead wake up in my own videogame:

Funny Videos | Funny Cartoons | More Video Clips


Well, look — everyone needs a hobby

aphrodite.jpgSo I was in a partner’s office the other day when I got an e-mail from a reader (known to our Pajiba family as TWoP Fan) with the following headline as her subject line:

Pastor Arrested for Stealing Sex Toy

I mentioned it to the partner and we both chuckled. Then I clicked on this link to a blog post about it and read that it wasn’t simply a pastor stealing a dildo from a sex shop. No ma’am. Our friendly Pastor broke into a woman’s home, stealing her sex toy and some lub.

And then he broke his leg as he was fleeing!

I though this was funny but the partner, she damn near fell out of her chair. And I thought that was quite funny too, so thanks for that TWoP Fan.

As for this video, now why would your trust feel betrayed?


The Daily Memo - 8/1/08

check.jpgHuh. I wonder if this program is why I’m getting to argue in front of the Ninth Circuit next week? Cause the case really doesn’t have any particularly novel issues… That is, unless one of the judges on my panel is reading this, in which case, I meant to say that it totally has a fuckton of novel issues. (Law.com)

…Can I say “fuckton” in court?

check.jpgSee? See! Y’all mock our liberal California courts. But if this paves the way to the end of fees for early termination of cell phone contracts, who will be mocking then? (LawInfo)

…What about “extraordinary nutsack?” Can I say that in court?

check.jpgJudge to White House: “Ahem. E-mails?” (the raw story)

check.jpg“President Bush signed into law on Wednesday a huge package of housing legislation.” …Heh. They said “package.” (The NY Times)

…Ok, well I can totally say “package.” I know that. “May it please the Court, I’d like to request that the lower judge be ordered to gnaw on my package.” …word.

check.jpgMan, I’ll never get over the fact that a famous judge’s name was Learned Hand. (Supreme Dicta)

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My favorite charity…

cbldf.jpgAt work recently, several of us were having a discussion about charitable donations and, specifically, bitching about those people in the office (if you work in an office, you know you have some) who come around collecting for some charity or the other. And they circle back around several times until they basically guilt you into giving money. In discussing this, we were talking about the fact that none of us have a problem donating to charity — we all make enough money that there’s no good reason for not doing so. Rather, the problem is that we want to donate to the places we choose to donate to, not the ones we’re bullied into donating too (even if they are, at the end of the day, a good cause). Freedom of choice and all that.

In any event, during this discussion I mentioned how the one consistent donation I make every year is to the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund, and I was met with blank stares. “Comic books?” Yes, I explained, comic books. The CBLDF is a First Amendment group that just so happens to focus on comics. And the First Amendment has always been a big thing for me (probably because me and my offensive, trucker mouth would’ve been tossed permanently in the basement many years ago without it), and I’ve always love a good comic. So when I stumbled across this recent post from Neil Gaiman, I just felt obligated to share:

When people ask me about why I support the CBLDF and what it’s for, I talk about the First Amendment, and the countries that don’t have it — places where, as you’ll learn in in this Wall Street Journal article, you can be arrested for drawing cartoons…
On a sunny May morning, six plainclothes police officers, two uniformed policemen and a trio of functionaries from the state prosecutor’s office closed in on a small apartment in Amsterdam. Their quarry: a skinny Dutch cartoonist with a rude sense of humor. Informed that he was suspected of sketching offensive drawings of Muslims and other minorities, the Dutchman surrendered without a struggle.
“I never expected the Spanish Inquisition,” recalls the cartoonist, who goes by the nom de plume Gregorius Nekschot, quoting the British comedy team Monty Python. A fan of ribald gags, he’s a caustic foe of religion, particularly Islam. The Quran, crucifixion, sexual organs and goats are among his favorite motifs.
Mr. Nekschot, whose cartoons had appeared mainly on his own Web site, spent the night in a jail cell. Police grabbed his computer, a hard drive and sketch pads. He’s been summoned for further questioning later this month by prosecutors. He hasn’t been charged with a crime, but the prosecutor’s office says he’s been under investigation for three years on suspicion that he violated a Dutch law that forbids discrimination on the basis of race, religion or sexual orientation.
If you’re offended by something, you talk about it. You make your own cartoons. You out-argue your opponents. You don’t stop them talking, or cartooning. That’s wrong. Because if you can do that to them, someone else can do that to you.
It’s why supporting freedom of speech so often involves defending the indefensible.

Word.

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Lawyer Confuses Judge for Catholic Priest

geraldrobinson_narrowweb__300x457,0.jpgI don’t know what the hell is up this lawyer’s ass, but it was enough to get him four months in the clink for contempt, after he called the judge a pedophile, among other things:

An attorney’s rude behavior has earned him a four-month stay in the Greene County Jail. Greene County Circuit Court Judge Tom Mountjoy sentenced Kansas City lawyer Carlos D. Romious to 120 days in jail last week because of Romious’ “rude and angry” demeanor toward the judge.
The judgment states that on July 16, Romious “loudly and rudely” asked Mountjoy “if the ‘proceeding was a joke’ and stated to the Court ‘you’re going to sit your ass up there.”’
Romious also accused Mountjoy of “corrupting and stinking up the case” and “corrupting this system.” The next day, when Mountjoy ordered the attorney to appear in court at 8 a.m. on June 18, Romious said “don’t hold your breath,” the document states.
When Romious did show up on June 18, he at one point asked the judge, “Are you a pedophile?”

I’m not sure what possessed him to call the judge that, but my guess is that the counselor had no fucking clue what the word meant and he was just trying to impress the judge with his vocabulary, which reminds me of the worst fucking joke I’ve ever heard in my life, compliments of my little brother:

“My girlfriend called me a pedophile once, and I told her that was an awfully big word for a five-year old.”

Forgive me. I know. I’m going straight to hell for repeating it.


Woah! Is Dick Cheney Satan or Is Seymour Hersh Insane?

060524_cheney_vsmall8pwidec.jpgMy money is on Dick the Devil.

Seymour Hersh, who I believe was the New Yorker writer who blew open the doors on Abu Ghraib (right?), has dropped another bombshell, claiming that, in a recent meeting in the Vice President’s office, the guys tossed around some ideas as to how to provoke a war with Iran. You know: Kill some Americans, start a war, make some money! Hersh said:

There was a dozen ideas proffered about how to trigger a war. The one that interested me the most was why don’t we build — we in our shipyard — build four or five boats that look like Iranian PT boats. Put Navy seals on them with a lot of arms. And next time one of our boats goes to the Straits of Hormuz, start a shoot-up.
Might cost some lives. And it was rejected because you can’t have Americans killing Americans. That’s the kind of — that’s the level of stuff we’re talking about. Provocation. But that was rejected.

That’s some FDR Pearl Harbor shit there, son. That’s wicked evil. And so not beyond Dick Nutz.

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