Monthly Archives: September 2008
Silly Cinema Goer Sues Over Unpopped Popcorn
Awwww. Did the poor little frivolous litigant hurt his wittle toof?
Insurance broker Steve Kaplan says he encountered a double dud while watching the movie “Superbad” at the AMC-Lincoln Square Cinema a year ago: His tooth hurt and the movie was awful.
Kaplan sued the theater to recover $1,250 for dental repairs. But Manhattan Civil Court Judge Matthew Cooper ruled that Kaplan could not reasonably expect every kernel to be popped.
What? He didn’t like Superbad? What kind of buzzkill doesn’t like Superbad? Oh: An insurance broker. You know: A good dental insurance plan should cover that hurt tooth.
Damnit. Show Us the Clip! Show Us the Clip!
I don’t know why the conservatives are always railing against the media elite and claiming liberal bias when stuff like this happens. Apparently, there is unaired footage of the Couric/Palin interview that was too awful to show on TV.
I mean, how could it be worse that what they aired?
According to HuffPo:
Of concern to McCain’s campaign, however, is a remaining and still-undisclosed clip from Palin’s interview with Couric last week that has the political world buzzing.
The Palin aide, after first noting how “infuriating” it was for CBS to purportedly leak word about the gaffe, revealed that it came in response to a question about Supreme Court decisions.
After noting Roe vs. Wade, Palin was apparently unable to discuss any major court cases.
There was no verbal fumbling with this particular question as there was with some others, the aide said, but rather silence.
Not a single other Supreme Court case? Brown vs. Board of Education? Miranda v. Arizona? Gideon v. Wainwright? That Texas case about sodomy? Couric totally should’ve asked her to name two Supreme Court justices. Just to see, you know?
Douchebag Republican Offers Lamest Reason Yet to Vote for McCain
For reasons that’s aren’t clear to me, The National Review Online published a letter from a reader, which supposedly presents why Obama’s tax increases on the wealthy are bad for America. The letter reads, in part:
Just thought I’d send some thoughts from small-business America. My husband’s business is a canary in the coalmine. When tax policies are favorable to business, he hires more guys, buys more goods, etc. When he is taxed more heavily, he fires people, doesn’t buy anything new, etc. Well, duh. So, at the mere thought of a President Obama, he has paid off his debt, canceled new spending, and jotted a list of whom to “let go.”
My husband will make sure that we’re okay, money-wise, but he won’t give himself a paycheck that will just be sent to Washington. He’ll make sure that he’s not in “rich guy” tax territory. So, he will not spend his money, not show a profit, and scale his workforce down to the bare minimum.
Let me get this straight: his is a reason not to vote for Obama? Because some rich guy (he makes between $200 and $250K) has decided to lay off his workers, scale down his operation, and run his business without trying to make a profit? So he doesn’t have to pay an extra two percent of that profit to the government?
So, don’t vote for Obama because some douchebag conservatives will tank small businesses out of spite? Well, that’s an interesting tact. I’m sure the employees he will be laying off will completely understand.
The Daily Memo - 9/30/08
Well if Judges are going to get in trouble for cursing from the bench, maybe I just won’t be a fucking judge. (Law.com)
Turns out law degrees are still a good value, if you manage to score a high-paying firm job, that is. (Above the Law)
Said McCain: “Senator Obama and his allies in Congress infused unnecessary partisanship into the process. Now is not the time to affix the blame.” Jesus Christ, stop my head from spinning! (Political Punch)
Is nude dancing a legal art form? Sounds like it’s going to require hours of hardcore research. (Law.com)
So having the city clean used rubbers and shit out of your hurricane-hit home is more important than a deposition? The nerve of some people! (Above the Law)
Awwww, look at grandpa’ sticking up for Sarah!
God damn it!
Sarah Palin was running around in Philly in a McNabb jersey and the Eagles suffer a gut-wrenching loss to da’ Bears on Sunday night. Coincidence? I think not.
Stop fucking with my team, lady!
Dude, it’s simple math — just wash the fucking dishes
If your girlfriend is batshit crazy and asks you to do the dishes. You do them. Simple equation really:
fucking nuts + request to do chore = done and done
Because if you change the equation ever so slightly, you get a decidedly different answer:
fucking nuts + request to do chore + chore not done = shoulder bite + broken picture frame to face + sword
Ms. Batshit Crazy was, needless to say, arrested.
Let’s Decide this Once and For All …
In the clip above (around the one minute mark), does John McCain actually say “horseshit”? It looks kind of like it, and it sounds kind of like it. But, surely he wouldn’t. Or would he?
Let’s just pretend he did. It makes for a much better story. I mean, that’s what McCain does. If it’s not true, he just pretends it is, and then runs an ad declaring it so. That’s horseshit we can believe in!
Well, Sex Can Be a Religious Experience
A man charged with running a massage parlor/brothel disguised as a church, has come up with a fairly clever defense: Freedom of Religion.
In his latest court argument, the Tucson man says he hired women at Angel’s Heaven Relaxation Spa — near University Medical Center — not to sell sex but to comfort the afflicted through the religious act of “laying on of hands.”
This offer of comfort by this means is based on several Biblical passages,” wrote attorney Brad Roach, who is representing LaVoie while seeking election as Pima County attorney.
[John] LaVoie, who testified he is the pastor of the Church of Liberty, “has every right under the First Amendment to freely exercise his religion, which religion includes offering comfort through the laying on of hands,” Roach wrote in an objection to the proposed order of forfeiture.
Alex Mahon, an Arizona assistant attorney general, responded that LaVoie never argued at trial that laying on of hands was part of church ceremonies. In fact, the evidence showed his “angels” were lay people committing acts of prostitution with the spa’s male customers, Mahon wrote.
You have to wonder — does an attorney who uses this defense charge less because it’s such a shitty argument, or charge more because he has to work harder to prove it?
I’m assuming there’s no happy ending here :(
What Would Happen if Disney Made a Movie about Sarah Palin?
The Daily Memo - 9/29/08
New York judge to attorney trying to withdraw from a case because he doesn’t want to pay twenty grand in witness fees that his clients may not be able to pay back: “You’re a lawyer, right? So you get what a ‘contract’ is, right? Game, set, match.” (Law.com)
I’m not sure this is the greatest case name ever, but it’s pretty solid. (Supreme Dicta)
Yeah, if you were wearing a blindfold before you fell over the cliff edge, your subsequent lawsuit may not work out so well. (Times Union)
Fareed Zakaria thinks that McCain failed to put his country first in choosing Palin because that choice was “fundamentally irresponsible.” Word. (Newsweek)
Mugging a national karate champion … strike that. Trying to mug a national karate champion, not a great idea. (Telegraph)
It’s good to be the Judge
Me, I get a DUI, I get tossed in the clink.
You, you get a DUI, you get tossed in the clink.
You or me, we get a second DUI, you better believe we get tossed in the clink.
A retired judge, he gets a DUI, he does four days of pro bono legal work.
A retired judge, he gets a second DUI, he does a whopping eight days of pro bono legal work.
They spin this as just part of the work release program, but it smells fucking fishy, don’t it?
Cue up the Ringling Brothers music now, maestro, if you’d be so kind…
So Sheriff’s deputies are called to your house because of a domestic disturbance between you and your husband. Your husband gets arrested, and now it’s your turn. But you don’t want to go to jail — you ain’t going out like that!
In most states, you might hop into your vehicle of choice and lead the deputies on a high-speed chase for minutes or hours, almost certainly ending with you getting a face full of pavement while the deputies throw the cuffs around your womanly wrists.
But not in Florida. Nah, there, when you hop into your mini-van to make a quick getaway, things play out slightly differently:
Deputies say that she jumped into her mini-van and left the driver’s door open, and when she tried to back out of her driveway she hit a parked lawn mower.
That was after deputies say she tried to strike one of them with her car.
The deputy reacted and jumped out of the way.
After the collision, Davis fell out and the mini-van spun out of control.
As the van made a circle, it ran over Davis. She was flown to Shands with critical injuries.
Ironically, the mini-van went in circles until it hit the patrol car of the deputy she had tried to run over earlier.
I, too, try to hide my discomfort behind my adorability!
Not as funny as the first one, particularly since the interview it’s based on was so damn (unintentionally) amusing on its own. But it still has a few good bits:
My Life on the Suing-the-Shit-Out-of-You List
Emmy-winner Kathy Griffin has … wait a minute? Emmy winner? Seriously people, when are we going to recognize how ridiculously worthless all these Hollywood awards are? I mean, as proven by last weekend’s lowest-rated-ever Emmy broadcast, they don’t even give us entertaining shows. And they certainly don’t get the award part of it right. “The Wire” … not an Emmy winner. Kathy Griffin … she’s got gold. More than one, in fact.
Anyway, Griffin has filed a lawsuit against KathyGriffin.com because it’s, you know, her name and all:
In a lawsuit filed in Los Angeles Superior Court Sept. 16, the comedian, who just won another Emmy for her reality show, “My Life on the D-List,” was contacted in July by the owners offering the site for sale for $3,500.
Since then, Griffin claim the site is composed entirely of commercial content and is operated through a portal that generates revenue through click-through advertisements.
The site, registered to Ttrafficz.com, featured the words “Kathy Griffin standup comedian” and “My Life on the D-List.”
The lawsuit asks for statutory damages of at least $100K, although she has no idea who the defendants actually are, since they registered the site using privacy protection. But the lawsuit’s already managed to get the site to shut itself down, as it now simply says: “Are you looking for Kathy’s official website? It’s located at kathygriffen.net.”
And even with just that one line, it’s probably funnier than her actual site.
Sarah Palin Hates These Witches
So, I’ve been hearing about a video involving Sarah Palin’s church pastor, who did some sort of exorcism in church or something. And I thought, well, at worse, Sarah Palin might have been in the church and witnessed it. Right?
Nope. Sarah Palin, in the above video, is actually having a spell put on her to ward away witches. Personally.
Say what? You mean, Barack Obama’s campaign was nearly derailed by a crazy angry preacher ranting and raving at church, when Obama wasn’t even there. And here, Palin is getting excorcised. And nary a peep.
What gives? This woman is not only a moron, she’s crazy. Batshit motherfucking crazy.
Bill O’Reilly Flips Out, Starts to Make Sense
You’ve gotta listen to this clip. I mean it. O’Reilly goes off on right-wing radio. Seriously, goes off on the deep end. Angry, yelly, O’Reilly. Of course, he goes after Barney Frank (“you big fat toad”), too. But, hey! You take what you can get.
Clearly, the man is positioning himself for after the election, but still. It’s good stuff.
Ahhhh! Putin’s Head Enter’s Alaskan Airspace
There is nothing more terrifying than the thought of Putin’s head floating around in Alaskan airspace. I hope he can’t shoot lasers from his eyes. (Sorry about the image — I’m not exactly a Photoshop expert; it’s the best I can do).
Anyway, if you have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about, it’s only becaase you haven’t seen Sarah Palin’s catastrophic performance with Katie Couric last night.
(This happy hippy brought to you by The Smoking Gun.)
The Dark Bailout
(H/T Film Experience)
Here’s Some Honest Diversity of Opinion
I spend too much time on left-wing blogs or watching the “liberal elites” on the cablers. So, in an effort to see what the other side is saying, I checked out some conservative blogs this afternoon, just to see. Here’s a sampling:
From Dick Morris:
This bold move could have an impact on the race akin to McCain’s choice of Sarah Palin as his running mate. Defensively, McCain had to act to stop the fall in his poll numbers.
Offensively, he has placed himself at the epicenter of the only issue on the national agenda - proactive action to stop a total international financial collapse.
Obama’s response to McCain’s initiative is lame. As with his initial reaction to Sarah Palin, Obama has miscalculated. While he tries to spin McCain’s move as a mere response to his initiative, it was the Republican who first issued the call for a suspension of the campaigns.
From the Right Commentary:
Nothing good will come of McCain’s suspension of his campaign. He has two choices. He can come to Oxford and mop the floor with that liberal nut-job. Or he can just hand Obama the keys to the White House now.
The National Review’s Campaign Spot:
I am not certain McCain is right on the politics of this, i.e., whether or not the public will agree with him that this is a good idea. But I think it’s probably right as a matter of policy. There’s still plenty of time to do three presidential and one vice-presidential debate.
From The Corner:
Actually, I’m just sitting here wishing Sarah Palin could have married Mitt Romney — then these Christianists could rule a Brave New Theocracy together and I wouldn’t have to pay attention to another politician again.
I would also note that, both Michelle Malkin and Anne Coulter are blaming the housing crisis on public housing entitlements. Interesting.
Still, in all honesty, I spent about 45 minutes checking conservative blogs, and — for the most part — they’re not talking about the campaign suspension very much. They seem to be avoiding the issue. Interesting.
Mommy … hold me … I’m … so cold and scared …
“Just the tip,” is an oft-used line by teenagers hoping to get an inch of nookie. Now it has an entirely different and altogether uncomfortable meaning….
A Shelby County man and his wife said two doctors amputated the man’s penis without his consent, and have filed a lawsuit.
According to the lawsuit, Philip Seaton went to have a circumcision last October. Seaton said when he woke up from the procedure, he realized his penis had been amputated.
Kevin George, the plaintiff’s attorney, said [Dr.] Patterson amputated the organ after finding cancer, but he only had consent to remove the foreskin.
“Sometimes you have an emergency and you have to do this, but he could very easily closed him up and said, ‘Here are your options. You have cancer,’ and the family would have said, ‘We want a second opinion. This is a big deal,’” George said.
The Daily Memo - 9/25/08
So after January 1 I can’t text in my car anymore? That’s valuable billable time going to waste, man! (LAist)
Biden’s met just a few more foreign leaders than Palin. (The Trail)
Good times at Tampa Bay games once more, as the Bucs can now start doing stadium pat-downs again. (LawInfo)
Hot diggity — I’m moving to Michigan, where an appellate court has now ruled that sex with a sheep doesn’t get you put on the registered sex offenders list. (Law.com)
Looks like it’ll be a little bit longer before that MySpace suicide trial gets started. (WSJ Law Blog)
I’m guessing it was Hudson Hawk
There are so many jokes that can be made about this story that I don’t even know where to begin, so I’m just giving it to you:
A 40-year-old man walking his dog in the nude Friday night in northwest Tallahassee was Tasered by police when he became belligerent and refused to follow an officer’s commands.
An officer on patrol spotted the man about 8:15 p.m. in the 2200 block of Hartsfield Road, said Officer David McCranie of the Tallahassee Police Department.
When asked what he was doing, the man told the officer, “Allah told me to watch a Bruce Willis movie and walk the dog,” McCranie said.
“He was obviously having some sort of emotional distress,” he said. “It was unfortunate we had to use the Taser. … It was the only way we could subdue him without having to hurt him.”
The man was then sent for mental-health evaluation and treatment.
I mean, yeah, a mentally disturbed man getting tasered is kinda sad. But if we ignore that part of the story, we’re talking about a naked guy walking his dog because Allah told him to. Strike that, Allah told him to walk the dog and watch a Bruce Willis flick. I mean, who knew Allah was a Bruce fan? AsalamaWillis, mother f’ers!
(Hat tip to reader Monica H.)
Hi. It’s Sarah Palin — Does This Mean I’m Pars’ident Now?
How many of you folks went to bed last night with your head spinning? I’m one of those goddamn news junkies, who spent the entire night in front of one of the various cable shows (Olbermann, Maddow, Cooper, Stewart, Letterman — you don’t get a better night than that). And the entire time, all I could think was: What the fuck is going on, you know?
Actually, around 4:00 yesterday, when I saw that McCain had suspended his campaign, my first thought was: Shit. Bold move, motherfucker. Political as hell, but there’s no way Obama can call him on it. We are so fucked. Game. Set. Match. McCain.
Fortunately, I had not given enough credit to the news networks or, from what I can tell, the electorate, almost all of whom saw right the hell through it. The ones that haven’t are being cynical, self-denying little bitches. But whatevs.
But the thing is: Even if McCain gets a lot of flak for this, it’s probably better than the alternative, which was the brewing scandal over his campaign manager’s involvement with Freddie Mac and, worse still, Sarah Palin’s embarrassing (oh, God embarrassing) interview with Katie Couric. And this time, no one can clam sexism or elitism. Couric is a woman. And not a terribly bright one, at that.
Anyway, here’s some excerpts from that interview, which most of you probably didn’t see, since the flurry of other, more important news dominated last night.
To say it was a trainwreck would be a disservice to trainwrecks.
But, my favorite part of the day’s news came at the very end of the night. McCain was supposed to appear on Letterman’s show last night, but personally called him to cancel, saying he had to race back to Washington. Well, imagine Dave’s chagrin when he realized that McCain was a mere three blocks away giving an interview to Couric. This is all the relevant moments from last night’s show, and it’s fucking great:
The latest reason McCain is full of shit….
So McCain suspended his campaign and said he’s not showing up to Friday night’s debate unless legislation is passed resolving the financial clusterfuck we’re in. Because shit doesn’t get done in Washington unless Old Man McCain is there to git r’ done, right?
If that’s true, how come he’s missed a whopping 64.1% of Senate votes over the last two years? He’s the only Senator to have missed over 50% of the votes, and he’s missed almost two-thirds. He’s like a fucking absentee landlord. But this time, he’s gotta be there. And we’re supposed to believe his people’s bullshit that this isn’t a political play? Brother please.
And Letterman voiced the other point about this quite perfectly: “What are you going to do if you’re elected and things get tough? Suspend being president? We’ve got a guy like that now!”
Are We Headed Toward Martial Law?
Diane Rehm is a crazy left-wing nutjob, but she’s got a show on NPR, so she must know something, right? Anyway, she’s reporting here that the United States, for the first time ever, is putting an active army unit inside the country in case it’s needed to fight off civil unrest.
Does the Bush Administration know something we don’t? Should we be terrified? Is this unit being deployed to fight off crowds after Paulson takes our $700 billion and leaves the country?
This is kind of scary, actually.
Irony is Thy Name!
Do as I say, not as I do.
A Maryland state delegate who called for “DUI” license plates that would be issued to people convicted more than once of drunken driving has been charged with driving under the influence himself.
A Montgomery County police report says an officer cited Herman Taylor Jr. after finding him sleeping with his SUV idling at a 7-Eleven on New Hampshire Avenue in Silver Spring on May 1.
The report says the officer saw Taylor pull into the parking lot, then rest his head on the back of his seat. The officer had to shake Taylor to wake him up and the report says the officer smelled alcohol.
The courts have no appreciation of good literature…
From The Columbus Dispatch:
A southwest Ohio judge has ruled that a man acquitted of rape cannot adopt the name of the lead character in a famous novel about wrongful imprisonment and revenge.
Former Miami University student Jason Landis wanted to legally change his name to Edmond Dantes, the character who becomes “The Count of Monte Cristo” in the 19th century book by Alexander Dumas.
Miami County Probate Judge Lynnita Wagner rejected Landis’ request in documents filed Tuesday. She said his desire to distance himself from the 2005 rape charge is trumped by the right of the public and officials to easily connect him to convictions he has on felony drug charges and a misdemeanor sex offense.
The Daily Memo - 9/24/08
A new Supreme Court term is around the corner, and while it looks to have less drama than the last one, it’s still early. (Law.com)
Google and some internet companies are telling the Bush Administration to shove its new copyright treaty. (Bloomberg)
No wonder Palin had all that time to sit around peeping Russia — she wasn’t bothering to show up much for that experience-building Governor job. (Politico)
You happy Dobbs? The shitty economy is keeping immigrants from wanting to move in. (Washington Post)
That judge who used his penis pump in court, while trials were going on? Just got disbarred. (Law.com)
Campbell Brown: Trendsetter?
CNN’s Campbell Brown has always struck me as the sorority girl type who got called dumb by a professor, so she went to J-school and studied her ass off while her friends were out fucking their brains out. Cause that’s what you do in J-school. You can’t really “study” journalism. It just kind of happens.
Anyway, somewhere along the way, she made a funny little quip, and people ate it up, and voila: She got her own primetime show on CNN, where she occasionally does something admirable, like badger Tucker Bounds until he cries like the little bitch he is. Last night, Campbell Brown managed to say something relevant again (gold star!). In fact, her argument that Sarah Palin is facing sexism — from inside her own campaign — may just inspire the Dems to take the same tact.
Throw away the fucking key while you’re at it
This charming young man is a convicted sex offender. And a fucking idiot. Back in July, he was put on probation. One of the terms of his probation was that he had to stay away from kids.
Forty minutes later he was busted in a bank for offering to take two kids out for ice cream. Earlier this month he was sent back to the clink, for between 1-and-a-half to five years, for this probation violation and the judge told him: “You may have set the record for how quickly you violated probation.”
Hey Gov’ner lady! Show us ya’ tits!
New York’s The Daily News decided to hire a look-alike to walk the Big Apple’s streets pretending to be Sarah Palin. Some folks seemed to dig her, but this man’s quote is the real gem:
“You’re hot! But I hope you lose”
You can watch a video of the newspaper’s little experiment over on their website (fuckers wouldn’t let us embed right here all convenient-like for you). The sheer waste of journalistic resources makes me want to cry. But the stripper-like fake Secret Service agents make me want to hug whoever came up with this idea. …I’m so torn.
Good! Suspend the little Twerp
Since when did 11-year-old kids start espousing hateful political speech. Oh yeah. When their parents became hateful fuckers. See, e.g.:
An 11-year-old in Aurora says his first amendment rights are being trampled after he was suspended for wearing a homemade shirt that reads “Obama is a terrorist’s best friend.”
The fifth grader at Aurora Frontier K-8 School wore it on a day when students were asked to wear red, white and blue to show their patriotism.
The boy’s father Dann Dalton describes himself as a “proud conservative” who has taken part in some controversial anti-abortion protests. Dalton says the school made a major mistake by suspending his son for wearing the shirt.
“It’s the public school system,” Dalton says. “Let’s be honest, it’s full of liberal loons.”
You know what, dickwad? You don’t like public schools, send your kid to some conservative school ran by a right-wing nutjob. Granted, the kid shouldn’t have been suspended, not only because of his free speech rights (which I understand are not absolute in public schools, but still) but because it’s not his fault his Dad is a douchebag.
Also, it reminds me: There’s a guy in my neighborhood who had a huge NOBAMA! banner waving in his front yard, where our neighborhood intersects with the bay (a very high-traffic area). And I couldn’t pass by it without developing a seething hatred for the dude, as I plotted how I could rectify the situation. However, by Sunday, it appeared that it was no longer necessary. Someone came along and removed the NO. Now, it’s just a huge banner that reads OBAMA!
Thank God for petty vandalism.
The Absolute Worst Presidential Campaign Ad. Ever.
At least McCain’s ads are provocative, even if they are completely false. This one: Holy shit. Talking to a parrot? Animal metaphors? The only thing it’s missing is panda rape.
(Image Courtesy of Pajiba’s jM)
Al Frankes Hearts Rape
And here’s the problem with running for political office when you once were a comedy writer. So much material can be used against you. And that’s … okay. Because, doggone it … ah, screw it.
The Daily Memo - 9/23/08
Arrrrrrrrr…. Activision is suing game pirates. (Wired Blog)
What? But how can this bailout be anything but wonderful, glorious news? (Concurring Opinions)
Seriously people, an additional $700 billion burden is awesome. (CNN Money)
A lawyer filed a $20 million lawsuit against seven casinos because she said they had a duty to stop her from gambling? Wanna bet on what the court said? (Law.com)
Uhm, yeah Dick. You might want to hang on to those VP records of yours. (WSJ Law Blog)
This Ain’t No Nigerian Email ….
SUBJECT: REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP
I NEED TO ASK YOU TO SUPPORT AN URGENT SECRET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF GREAT MAGNITUDE.
I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA. MY COUNTRY HAS HAD CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED THE NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 800 BILLION DOLLARS US. IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER, IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.
I AM WORKING WITH MR. PHIL GRAM, LOBBYIST FOR UBS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY. AS A SENATOR, YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS THE LEADER OF THE AMERICAN BANKING DEREGULATION MOVEMENT IN THE 1990S. THIS TRANSACTIN IS 100% SAFE.
THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY. WE NEED A BLANK CHECK. WE NEED THE FUNDS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. WE CANNOT DIRECTLY TRANSFER THESE FUNDS IN THE NAMES OF OUR CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER SURVEILLANCE. MY FAMILY LAWYER ADVISED ME THAT I SHOULD LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY PERSON WHO WILL ACT AS A NEXT OF KIN SO THE FUNDS CAN BE TRANSFERRED.
PLEASE REPLY WITH ALL OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, IRA AND COLLEGE FUND ACCOUNT NUMBERS AND THOSE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN TO WALLSTREETBAILOUT@TREASURY.GOV SO THAT WE MAY TRANSFER YOUR COMMISSION FOR THIS TRANSACTION. AFTER I RECEIVE THAT INFORMATION, I WILL RESPOND WITH DETAILED INFORMATION ABOUT SAFEGUARDS THAT WILL BE USED TO PROTECT THE FUNDS.
YOURS FAITHFULLY MINISTER OF TREASURY PAULSON
Dane Cook v. Dog Poop….
How do you tell which is which?
Yeah, that’s right.
So I’m carrying some guns, cop. Whadda you care? The ladies love these guns. Even some of the guys love these guns. These guns! Oh yeah!
(These guns brought to you by The Smoking Gun.)
Sweet and Sour
The “sour” part of this story is that Ryan Mueller, a four-time convicted burglar, now has one more conviction on his record. He’s been sentenced to 6 years in the clink after being busted by a woman who walked into her 2-year-old sleeping daughter’s bedroom to find Mueller in there stealing money from the girl’s piggy bank.
The “sweet” part of this story is that it took place in Sheboygan!
Sing it with me now (to the tune of Hello Dolly’s “Shipoopi”): Sheboygan, Sheboygan, Sheboygan … the name is fun to say. Sheboygan, Sheboygan, Sheboygan … blah blah blah blah blah hey!
(Hat tip to reader Katie for sharing this story for no reason other than knowing of my unadulterated love of Sheboygan.)
Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc
Over on the New York Times, Aaron Sorkin wrote an absolutely brilliant fictional exchange between the “West Wing’s” President Bartlett and Barack Obama, and he nailed it (as he should, I suppose) It’s worth checking out the whole thing (if only for a few minutes to relive the glory of Sorkin-era “West Wing,” but here is my favorite excerpt:
OBAMA The problem is we can’t appear angry. Bush called us the angry left. Did you see anyone in Denver who was angry?
BARTLET Well … let me think. …We went to war against the wrong country, Osama bin Laden just celebrated his seventh anniversary of not being caught either dead or alive, my family’s less safe than it was eight years ago, we’ve lost trillions of dollars, millions of jobs, thousands of lives and we lost an entire city due to bad weather. So, you know … I’m a little angry.
OBAMA What would you do?
BARTLET GET ANGRIER! Call them liars, because that’s what they are. Sarah Palin didn’t say “thanks but no thanks” to the Bridge to Nowhere. She just said “Thanks.” You were raised by a single mother on food stamps — where does a guy with eight houses who was legacied into Annapolis get off calling you an elitist? And by the way, if you do nothing else, take that word back. Elite is a good word, it means well above average. I’d ask them what their problem is with excellence. While you’re at it, I want the word “patriot” back. McCain can say that the transcendent issue of our time is the spread of Islamic fanaticism or he can choose a running mate who doesn’t know the Bush doctrine from the Monroe Doctrine, but he can’t do both at the same time and call it patriotic. They have to lie — the truth isn’t their friend right now. Get angry. Mock them mercilessly; they’ve earned it. McCain decried agents of intolerance, then chose a running mate who had to ask if she was allowed to ban books from a public library. It’s not bad enough she thinks the planet Earth was created in six days 6,000 years ago complete with a man, a woman and a talking snake, she wants schools to teach the rest of our kids to deny geology, anthropology, archaeology and common sense too? It’s not bad enough she’s forcing her own daughter into a loveless marriage to a teenage hood, she wants the rest of us to guide our daughters in that direction too? It’s not enough that a woman shouldn’t have the right to choose, it should be the law of the land that she has to carry and deliver her rapist’s baby too? I don’t know whether or not Governor Palin has the tenacity of a pit bull, but I know for sure she’s got the qualifications of one. And you’re worried about seeming angry? You could eat their lunch, make them cry and tell their mamas about it and God himself would call it restrained. There are times when you are simply required to be impolite. There are times when condescension is called for!
OBAMA Good to get that off your chest?
BARTLET Am I keeping you from something?
OBAMA Well, it’s not as if I didn’t know all of that and it took you like 20 minutes to say.
BARTLET I know, I have a problem, but admitting it is the first step.
OBAMA What’s the second step?
BARTLET I don’t care.
OBAMA So what about hope? Chuck it for outrage and put-downs?
BARTLET No. You’re elite, you can do both. Four weeks ago you had the best week of your campaign, followed — granted, inexplicably — by the worst week of your campaign. And you’re still in a statistical dead heat. You’re a 47-year-old black man with a foreign-sounding name who went to Harvard and thinks devotion to your country and lapel pins aren’t the same thing and you’re in a statistical tie with a war hero and a Cinemax heroine. To these aged eyes, Senator, that’s what progress looks like. You guys got four debates. Get out of my house and go back to work.
OBAMA Wait, what is it you always used to say? When you hit a bump on the show and your people were down and frustrated? You’d give them a pep talk and then you’d always end it with something. What was it …?
BARTLET “Break’s over.”
Nice. Why Doesn’t the Judge Just Take Away Their Bubbles?
Goddamn laws and lawyers and judges and legal systems. You can’t even be a pirate these days without the “man” ruining all your fun.
The front yard of a house in a tony British Columbia neighborhood is a little less welcoming for pirates now.
Architect Andrew Dewberry and a crew of friends spent Saturday dismantling the pirate ship tree house he’s had in his Vancouver yard for two years. He said he had no choice after a court ordered it to be removed for not complying with city bylaws.
Dewberry had to explain the situation to his sons Jack, 9, and Sam, 7, before the tree house came down. He said, “They’ve had a lot of joy with the tree fort.”
Jack, who stood with a friend and watched the dismantling, said, “We wanted to sleep in it over the summer one time, but we didn’t get around to it and now we can’t.”
COME ON! McCain Ad Hits New Level of Absurdity
There has has actually got to be something of substance that John McCain can latch onto in one of his many increasingly absurd Obama attack ads. This one, frankly, is crazy-outrageous. It basically suggests that, because Barack Obama lives in Chicago, he is therefore inextricably tied to the Chicago political machine. The governor of Chicago is a crook, hence Barack Obama must be one, too!
Give me a break, McCain. Really. You’ve not only sunk to a new low, but to a new level of stupidity.
The Daily Memo - 9/22/08
Sure, it’s a few thousand years later, but good on Socrates for finally having his death sentence overturned. Although it was a mock appeal. And he’s still dead. (Supreme Dicta)
Is a high-price call girl to blame for AIG’s financial troubles? (Above the Law)
The dude who hacked Palin’s e-mail account may end up getting busted because the stupid idiot couldn’t keep his bragging mouth shut. (Concurring Opinions)
The Wall Street Journal’s got a nice overview of our shiny happy financial situation, which “has entered a new, far more serious phase.” (WSJ)
The Library of Congress has lost a sexual discrimination trial filed by a former transsexual employer (er, former employee, not former tranny). (Law.com)
For those of you not following this story out of LA, it’s pretty amazing: “A man pleaded guilty to recruiting and paying homeless people to pose as phony hospital patients in a scheme that billed government programs millions of dollars in unnecessary health services.” (LawInfo)
Keith Olbermann wants him some double meat!
Yes, Olbermann can be a bit too smug and self-righteous at times. But I still think his “special comments” are generally right on. This one more so than any other:
Could Bob Barr win Texas?
Bob Barr is running for president on the Libertarian ticket. And he’s now filed a lawsuit in Texas looking to get McCain and Obama both thrown off the state ballot, which would open things up for him considerably. Both camps’ alleged violation of the state’s election law shows, in the wording of the lawsuit, “[t]he hubris of the major parties.”
Texas election code §192.031 requires that the “written certification” of the “party’s nominees” be delivered “before 5 p.m. of the 70th day before election day.” Because neither candidate had been nominated by the official filing deadline, the Barr campaign argues it was impossible for the candidates to file under state law.
“Supreme Court justices should recognize that their responsibility is to apply the law as passed by the Legislature, and the law is clear that the candidates cannot be certified on the ballot if their filings are late,” says Drew Shirley, a local attorney for the Barr campaign, who is also a Libertarian candidate for the Texas Supreme Court.
A 2006 Texas Supreme Court decision ruled that state laws “does not allow political parties or candidates to ignore statutory deadlines.”
This all comes from Barr’s press release, so it’s of course one-sided. But it sounds convincing though, right? We’ll find out soon, although Bar”s already lost the first battle, as the court refused to issue an injunction preventing overseas military ballots from being mailed out.
See people, this is why we need to go back to the barter system!
Because if we did, lawyers like Scott Robert Erwin would be more able to help out those who can’t afford the big bills that typically come with hiring a lawyer. But we live in a cash economy people. So good folks like Mr. Erwin find themselves being suspended by their state bar for 15 months because he was willing to help out a lady in legal need by knocking the price of her legal bill down in exchange for private nude dances.
Apparently, he met this stripper in a strip club in ‘01, and one thing led to another, and suddenly he was working for her, crediting almost $600 to the private half-hour dances she gave him. Of course, he still charged her seven grand and that, coupled with the alleged inappropriate touching, led her to claim assault. The charges didn’t stick, but they did lead to the disciplinary action, which is why Erwin finds himself suspended.
Barter system, people. Nude dances for legal services — let’s make it happen.
(Reader Ryan H. also sent us a link to this story, replete with his own punch line: “Also adds new meaning to ‘pro bono.’”)
Six Beers in 10 Seconds! *Hero!*
Enjoy your weekend, folks.
Woah! Woah! Back the Hell Up, Canada!
Some mouthy Canadian lady has come out with some nasty-ass things to say about Sarah Palin. The gall! The audacity! Where does this woman get off?
The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation is reviewing complaints from both Americans and Canadians about a Web site columnist who recently described Sarah Palin’s supporters as “white trash,” compared the vice presidential candidate to a “porn actress” and called her daughter’s boyfriend a “redneck” and “ratboy.”
The incendiary column by Toronto-based writer Heather Mallick appeared on the CBC News site on Sept. 5, after the close of the Republican National Convention. On the same day, Britain’s Guardian newspaper published another column by Mallick in which she trashed Palin’s home state of Alaska as a “frontier state full of drunks and crazy people.”
Now listen here, Heather. Sarah Palin is ours, goddamnit. We, as Americans, have earned the right to criticize and make fun of her. You can’t take potshots at our candidate from a socialist state. Lay off, lady. She’s ours.
The Smartest Thing a Republican Has Said in a Month
This quote is from Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel, who is kind of like John McCain used to be before John McCain turned into a generic Republican.
Sen. Chuck Hagel of Nebraska on Wednesday became the nation’s most prominent Republican officeholder to publicly question whether Sarah Palin has the experience to serve as president.
“She doesn’t have any foreign policy credentials,” Hagel said in an interview. “You get a passport for the first time in your life last year? I mean, I don’t know what you can say. You can’t say anything.”…
“I think they ought to be just honest about it and stop the nonsense about, ‘I look out my window and I see Russia and so therefore I know something about Russia,’” he said. “That kind of thing is insulting to the American people.”
This is what a retiring Republican has had to resort to: Honesty and candor. Get this man a seat in your cabinet, Barack.
You Corporate Lawyers Feel Chained to Your Office by That Goddamn Blackberry?
This Sarah Palin Mash-Up Was Clearly Inevitable
The funny thing is, it’s not that far off from what Palin actually said. Here’s the actual video:
What’s he looking at, anyway?
Obama! Obama! Obam … Wait. This is a McCain Event? Oops
The Daily Memo - 9/18/08
Will the hacking of Sarah Palin’s e-mail account lead to a new e-mail privacy act? (Concurring Opinions)
Would McCain lie about his position on the economy? (ABC News Blogs)
Could there be voter fraud afoot in Michigan? (Law.com)
Would someone really try to make money off of being robbed by OJ Simpson? (LawInfo)
Is eBay a portal to jurisdiction? (Likelihood of Confusion)
RIP Prof. Whitebread. A quick comment from a reader after the jump….
Reader three elle wrote in to mention the passing of Professor Whitebread. I remember his Bar/Bri video back when I was studying for the bar, and it was one of the few that were actually enjoyable. Anyway, seems that the Professor was a rare law prof, as three elle noted:
As proof of what a great professor he was at USC, I voluntarily registered for, and attended, his 8am Crim Pro classes as a 3L! Not only that, but the news was posted on ATL, and after 150 comments, there isn’t a single bad one about him, which is quite feat, considering ATL’s usual commenting crowd ;)
So there you go.
Look, we all handle rejection in our own special way
Some of us, when turned down by a lady, drown our sorrows in drink.
Others, move on to turn our attention to another gal.
Farrah Emami subscribes to the second approach. To an extent. But if multiple ladies turn him down, in a doughnut shop no less, he turns things up a notch:
When they had left the shop, Curiel allegedly drove at least 50 mph toward the women and three of their friends before crashing into several concrete benches.
He now faces life in prison. Where I’m sure he’ll find a lovely friend who is accepting of his advances.
Florida — Turning it Up to 11!
In most states, it would be enough to simply say that it’s a bad idea for a 31-year old woman to have sex with a 16-year old boy.
In exceptional states, you’d add that it’s a bad idea for the woman to record video and photos of said sexual encounter on her cell phone.
In Florida, however, you gotta go the extra mile and remind the stupid lady not to leave said cell phone sitting around the house of another teenager.
As for the teenagers — look, I get it. I remember what it was like to be young and horny. But really? She looks like a dude you’d find in the mosh pit of King Diamond concert, circa 1994.
Things not to do when faking your own death
Well look. You just shouldn’t fake your own death in the first place.
But if you are going to fake your own death, for the love of good, have someone else prepare your forged death certificate. Because when your fingerprints are found on your own death certificate, well yeah, the courts probably aren’t going to be too happy with you.
Mesmerizing Critics with the Power of Dance!
How dare you question John McCain!
This one is kind of … right cross-y. Damn. Colbert nails it here something like 47 times.
Today’s QuizLaw Challenge
This one is for the fellas out there. Try to get through the following passage without developing severe heart palpitations. Bet you can’t!
A 2cm long fish apparently found it’s way into the penis of a 14-year-old boy from India in a bizarre medical case.
The patient was admitted to hospital with complaints of pain, dribbling urine and acute urinary retention spanning a 24-hour period. According to the boy, the fish slipped into his penis while he was cleaning his aquarium at home.
Professor Vezhaventhan and Professor Jeyaraman, who treated the boy and later wrote a paper on the case, explained: “While he was cleaning the fish tank in his house, he was holding a fish in his hand and went to the toilet for passing urine. When he was passing urine, the fish slipped from his hand and entered his urethra and then he developed all these symptoms.”
After detecting the fish in the boy’s bladder, Vezhaventhan and Jeyaraman used a technique known as cystourethroscopy to insert a special set of forceps down the patient’s penis. Unfortunately, the fish was just too slippery to grip, so they resorted to using a rigid ureteroscope with a tool attached that is normally used for removing bladder stones.
I think we all learned a valuable lesson here: Never hold a tiny fish in your hand while taking a leak. Those things can swim upstream, you know.
Look man, when you’re hungry, you’re hungry
Fucking cops, man. In Roxbury Township, New Jersey, local cops pulled over a pickup truck they claim was erratically changing lanes. Ok, fair enough. They then talked to James Garfield and Robin Harrington to find out what was up. Apparently, Garfield and Harrington explained that they were just on their way to New York to get some peanut butter and pastrami (I hope not combined in a single sandwich, because that’s an assault on good pastrami).
And for this, they were arrested!
Now, to be fair, they also told the cops they were making their road trip to New York, for some grub, from New Mexico.
Oh, and there was also the three pounds of pot. That might’ve had something to do with it too.
The Daily Memo - 9/17/08
Sheboygan!!! A woman is suing the city for allegedly ordering her to take a link to the city police department off her website. Blah blah blah … Sheboygan! (JS Online)
“You can’t contract foreign policy experience like a rhinovirus.” Really? What about like an STD? (Maureen Dowd Op-Ed)
Yeah, gunner law students just suck. (Above the Law)
The economy may cause another casualty — federal judges may start sharing courtrooms. The horror! (Law.com
Kids making fake MySpace pages about their principal need to find better fucking shit to do with their free time. (WSJ Law Blog)
OMG! OMG! The Nation is (Slowly) Opening Its Eyes
New polls are out this morning, and while the majority of them still show a dead heat (a Gallup poll yesterday had McCain up by one, a Reuters poll had Obama up by two this morning), they all seem to be trending toward Obama. The convention bounce actually does seem to be fading, and John McCain’s ability to stick his foot in his mouth over the last 48 hours (“the fundamentals of the economy are still strong”) has created a huge opening for Obama, who finally (finally) had the testicles to take advantage. These polls don’t even take into account Carly Fiorina’s foot-in-mouth statement yesterday, claiming that neither Palin nor the other candidates could run a corporation. Nor do they take into account McCain’s boneheaded idea to create a commission to study the financial crisis.
But, personally, the numbers I found most heartwarming came from a poll I saw on Sarah Palin’s favorable/unfavorables. She has a 44 percent approval rating, and a 45 percent unfavorable rating, which is something like a 10 point swing in the last week. Clearly, her star is starting to fade, and the interview with Charlie Gibson, the Troopergate scandal, the lies on the Bridge to Nowhere and the eBay plane, and the tanning bed installed in the Governor’s mansion, et al., are starting to take their toll. In fact, Palin now has the highest unfavorables among any candidate, while Obama has the highest favorables (at 55).
The point: Things are looking up, folks. Perhaps, yesterday, I didn’t give the mass electorate enough credit. Shame on me. But, come on: They did vote for Bush. Twice.
Wait? A Republican who remembers what Republicans are supposed to stand for?
So I keep my eye on some local LA websites just to try to keep up with what’s going on in my neck of the woods. And this article over at LAist initially caught my eye because I was happy to see that Senator Dianne Feinstein came out in opposition to Proposition 8 (the awful ballot measure this fall that will try to rid my state of the terror that is gay marriage by amending the state Constitution). But the more interesting thing was in the next paragraph:
…Scott Schimdt from Republicans Against 8 strongly believes this goes against what Republicans stand for. “We are focused on reaching Republicans who are willing to listen about how Proposition 8 violates conservative values like limited government, personal responsibility and fundamental freedoms,” he said to the Daily News.
Good on ya’, Scott. While we rant about Republicans on the QuizLaw quite a bit, I have to say that one of my biggest pet peeves is how hypocritical they are when it comes to what are supposedly their core values. Fuck taxes, because the government is bad and needs to stay out of business. …Unless “our business” is two guys making kissy-kissy, in which case, help me Obi Wan Ke-Government, you’re my only hope!
The most infuriating part of it all for me is that, if the Republican party moved away from the Religious Right and went back to its party roots, I’d have much less to complain about. While I’m still more socially liberal than most ‘Publicans tend to me, I’m much more in synch otherwise with what some might call “moderate Republicans.” I might actually get to make a choice between the two parties instead of generally just defaulting to the Dems no matter how I tend to actually feel about the candidate. But I suspect that’s the same fantasy world where it rains chocolate and the Eagles didn’t fucking lose Monday Night Football….
Oh, why hello there officer.
No sir, I’m just sitting here in my car enjoying the fresh air. Not sure why anyone would have called you to report drug use going on in this car. I’m just chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool and all looking at some photos of some kids in school.
Oh, wait, ignore that last bit. And ignore the haze around me. That’s not pot smoke, that’s just, uhm … my aura?
…Well ok, take me in for unlawful possession. But let’s not worry about those photos. Nothing to see there.
…Oh, pictures of nekkid young girls are illegal. Well I guess there is something to see there, then. Dang.
Financial Disaster Met by Gay Grope!
All right — in the off chance that you haven’t seen this video yet, I feel obligated to share it here. 1) Look behind the CNN anchor. 2) Watch closely. 3) Revel in glee.
Here where I currently reside, in Portland, Maine, the city council has enacteda new law that makes it a crime, punishable with $50 fines, to leave your car idling for more than five minutes.
I’m not entirely sure how the law will be enforced, unless they will unleash a force of police officers who will scour the city for those damned idling cars, but the law is apparently designed to cut down on greenhouse gasses. However, the law will be suspended if its under 32 degree or if the driver is ill. Strange Maine.
I wonder if Prius (Pree-I?) are exempt, because they don’t use gasoline while they idle?
You go, Carl!
So here in California, we have a fuck-ton of long, boring codes. Civil Code, Code of Civil Procedure, Business & Professions Codes, Family Code, Fish and Game Code, Water Code, etc. etc. But they’re all copyrighted. So if you want to purchase a digital copy of the 38-volume California Code of Regulations, it’ll set you back over fifteen hundy, and it’s over two grand for the books.
Carl Malamud thinks this is bollocks, so he’s posted the entire Code of Regulations online for free. He’s also posting other state, local and federal codes, spoiling for a fight. “Sue me,” he’s saying. “Sue me long and hard.”
And get this — it’s worked, at least once. He actually got Oregon to stop claiming copyrights to its laws earlier this year.
(Hat tip: Reason Magazine)
The Daily Memo - 9/16/08
Heller Ehrman just can’t get itself a prom date. (Above the Law)
Turns out pretending to be a lawyer can get ya’ in trouble. (Law.com)
No frozen sperm for you! (WT&E Prof Blog)
A new proposed Federal Rule of Evidence looks to protect the inadvertent disclosure of privileged documents, something which many states already do (or, at least, I know Cali does). (Law.com)
History baby! Greenspan says we’re in a “once-in-a-century” financial crisis. …Oh wait, that’s a bad thing, huh? (CNN Money)
Holy hell — AT&T’s new service agreement is 8,000 words. And it would like you to go fuck yourself. (LA Times)
It’s the Values, Stupid
My wife is far more liberal than I. And over the weekend, for shits and giggles, I tried — I really tried — during an episode of “Real Time with Bill Maher” to play devil’s advocate with her on Sarah Palin and politics, in general. Because when it comes to politics, my wife gets self-righteous as hell, and agree or disagree, it’s always tempting to argue with self-righteousness. I see it here in our comments, all the time. Only it’s usually from the conservative side.
Anyway: Here’s what I discovered. If you want to win an argument (or an election) bad enough, you can pretty much blind yourself to all your own faults. It’s actually not that hard to argue on McCain’s behalf — the problem is, it’s not a very exciting argument (and it requires that you forget about the last two years). It’s when Palin comes into the equation that it gets a little more difficult to argue on behalf of that ticket. But, if your values swing a certain way, and if you’re one of the many, many, many, many voters who makes a decision based, largely, on values (gah!), it’s a lot easier to see why Palin is so popular. If you’re a waitress, if you’re an apolitical single mom who works as a secretary for a law firm, if you work at Wal-Mart, or in a factory, of if you watch NASCAR, well, then: Palin is the only person on either of the tickets that it’s easy to relate to on a personal level. War-hero senator? Hell no. Foreign-policy expert? Hell no (the fact that Biden takes the train home every night is compelling, but who takes the train?). And a Harvard-educated lawyer from Chicago? Hardly. None of those three are particularly compelling to a middle-aged woman who puts in eight-hours as a hospital administrator and goes home only to find her teenage son playing video games. But Palin and all of her goddamn baggage is — in fact, the more baggage she has, the more compelling she is to values voters.
So, the problem — at least as I see it — is that values voters clearly make up most of the electorate now. And values voters don’t listen to the pundits, or even the ads. The only news most of them watch is the local news, and mostly for the weather. I know — my entire family consists of value voters (gah!). And, ultimately, it is those value voters who are going to elect the president. And there is nothing the rest of us can do about it. Maybe, this year, there will be a groundswell of young voters — voters who use only cell phones, who haven’t been polled — who turn out in favor of Barack Obama. But I doubt it. The American worker is not only the backbone of our economy, but of the electorate. And the average American worker will, more often than not, vote for the candidate who shares their values the most. And, at least on the surface, that’s Sarah Palin. And there are no arguments that Barack Obama or Joe Biden can make to defeat that connection. So, until the Democrats find another “salt of the Earth” candidate, like Bill Clinton (a brilliant, Rhodes scholar, who was still able to convince the American people he was one of them, in part, by fucking his secretary), then we’re kind of screwed. Values voters don’t vote for the smartest, the more experienced, or the guy with the best ideas. Values voters vote for themselves.
And right now, I’m just praying to a God I don’t believe in (because I’m an elite, liberal heathen) that McCain lives out his term.
Aw man, I miss those frogs!
Thanks to The Smoking Gun, here’s a reminder of a better time, when frogs belched about beer and the world was at peace….
Lawyers make the best prisoners
In Ooooooooooooklahoma, two lovely attorneys were arrested in the wee hours of the morning because, get this, they were causing a disturbance at the Whataburger drive-thru. So off to the clink they went, since they were drunk and gave the cops shit, etc. Which is, thankfully, how we get this video to enjoy:
So wait? Do they want to County or what? Is it because they have ice at County?
If Obama Won’t Hit Back Hard, At Least Someone Will
Remember the disgraceful ad that McCain ran (above), accusing him of teaching sex education to kindergartners.
Well, Planned Parenthood — of all people — has decided to take the gloves off and sucker punch McCain where it hurts. I hope this ad is actually aired somewhere.
Today in Pretty Pictures
The above photo actually comes from professional photographer Jill Greenburg, who was hired by The Atlantic to do a photoshoot of John McCain for the magazine. The magazine apparently vetted Greenburg the same way that McCain vetted Palin, which is to say: Not at all. Turns out, Greenburg is a rabid, foam-at-the-mouth libtard, and took pains to take as many unflattering photos of McCain as possible.
The complete array of shots, including the ones she photoshopped, can be found here. You gotta hand it to her, though — she’s got talent! But this sort of shitty behavior is not exactly keeping in line with the liberals’ claims to be the decent ones in this campaign. Then again, Greenburg — who is reveling in the way she tricked McCain into taking some of these photos — is actually calling The Atlantic the “irresponsible” party here for hiring her in the first place, given her political leanings.
She’s now shopping the more unflattering photos to a few liberal media outlets.
Zoinks! What? Huh? Are You Effing Kidding Me?
For those who keep up with the Obama campaign talking points, one of the oft-repeated ones is that McCain has stated in the past that our economy is still “fundamentally strong.” When I hear them say that, I usually conclude that — though accurate — they probably pulled that quote from six months ago, or a year.
But today, Black Monday, the day that the country’s financial system is apparently about to go belly-up (quick! Turn on CNN before Time Warner goes bankrupt and we lose that, too), McCain continues to repeat that line. Today! The video above is from today! At 9:35 EST. Today!
Sometimes, I think if I blink hard enough, this entire campaign will reveal itself as one grand illusion.
The Daily Memo - 9/15/08
Urban juries are softer on crime than suburban juries because they don’t trust the police. In other breaking news, the sky is blue. (Above the Law)
A Bed, Bath and Beyond manager has been charged by local police for refusing to allow a couple to use the store’s phone to call 911 to report that a young kid was locked in a van (the charge is for failure to report dependency, neglect and abuse). (The Consumerist)
Turns out the Fifth Circuit doesn’t look kindly on federal judges soliciting and receiving cash from lawyers who are on cases before him. And lying about it just makes things worse. (Law.com)
Virginia’s anti-spam law has been tossed out. (WSJ Law Blog)
The Senate Judiciary Committee has approved an IP Enforcement Act which critics calls an “enormous gift” to the content industry. (Ars Technica)
Who wears short shorts?
Reader Alyssa sent us the amusing clip embedded below, figuring we’d enjoy it. She figured right. I totally have to remember the “I was dressed so cute” defense. And stay tuned to the end of the video, because my personal favorite bit involves a poor tombstone that didn’t know what it had coming.
Gives a new meaning to “laying pipe”
Yikes. When a Deltona, Florida man heard noises coming out of his teenage daughter’s bedroom on a Thursday morning, he grabbed a metal pipe and went upstairs. Where he found a naked boy standing on his daughter’s bed. So he swung the pipe at the kid, chased the kid out of the house and called the cops.
Who promptly arrested the father for aggravated battery on a child. The boy, meanwhile, had to have a head wound closed with staples.
And you gotta love how close this dad is to his daughter, given that he didn’t even know she had a boyfriend, who she had been sneaking into the home for over a year. Who needs good parenting when you’ve got a metal pipe?!
She works hard for the money, so hard for it honey….
Courtesy of a friend of the site (who just welcomed a baby girl into the world — congrats!) comes this image from the Washington Post comparing the effect of the McCain and Obama tax cuts. And wouldn’t you know it — under McCain’s plan, over 80% of the taxpayers (those who have a famly income of less than $111,646 per year) would pay more than they would under Obama’s plan. In fact, the only ones who pay more under Obama’s plan are the 1% of lucky fuckers with family income over $603,402. I ain’t crying for them, are you?
Floridians Serious About Watering Plants. Really Serious.
With all the focus on the idiot in Alaska, we’ve forgotten what truly matters around here: The idiots in Florida.
A Hudson man fired a gun and chased his neighbor with a machete after an argument over watering plants, authorities said.
The Pasco County Sheriff’s Office said Peter Petraglia, 62, argued twice with his neighbor over the plants on Tuesday. After the second argument, Petraglia went into his house and came out carrying a .38-caliber pistol and a machete, deputies said.
Pasco County sheriff’s deputies said Petraglia threatened to shoot his neighbor if he didn’t stop arguing with him. He then fired a shot into the ground and followed the neighbor back to his house, where he hit the front door with the machete, deputies said.
Petraglia was arrested and charged with attempted murder, aggravated assault and discharging a firearm in public. He was being held without bail set on the attempted murder charge.
Now, was he mad because he didn’t water the plants, or because he did water the plants? Details matter.
McCain an Old, Rotting Fish?
So what did the Obama campaign learn from the “lipstick on a pig” flap and the subsequent backlash against them?
Good God: Here we go again.
The Daily Memo - 9/12/08
NFL Players Association to CBS: “Oh yeah? Well we can file lawsuits too, fuckers.” …Seriously people, stop fucking with my fantasy football! (LawInfo)
Former Rhode Island Senator Lincoln Chafee says that our favorite VP candidate is a “cocky wacko.” (CNN Political Tracker)
Everyone’s favorite liberal court, the Ninth Circuit, has opened the door for folks to challenge the no-fly list in court. (FindLaw)
Judge to group looking to tell “the real truth” about Obama: the real truth is that you have to abide the FEC. (Law.com)
Oh yeah, there’s another OJ trial going on. (LawInfo)
Whatever man, that Judge Manny Real be crazy, no matter what the Ninth Circuit says. (WSJ Law Blog)
If You Look Really Closely, You Can See Palin Actually Shit Herself
So, given the level of scrutiny — which will happen when your interviews are so rare that they are made into special events — I actually thought Sarah Palin wasn’t disastrous. Clearly, she was regurgitating a bunch of lines spoon-fed to her by handlers, but that’s to be expected, really. It was the same thing with George W. Bush, but his habit of mangling his spoon-fed lines gave it a more naturalistic feel.
Clearly, however, Palin was out of her depth, suggesting that a war with Russia was conceivable. Hey! Great idea! Fire up the nukes, lady.
I think she must have missed War Games.
You remember that video we posted yesterday, where Matt Damon freaked out at the prospect of this lady holding the codes to the nukes? Well, now we know why.
But really, the only time where she seemed legitimately stumped, where she was hit with a question her handlers had clearly not prepared her for was when Charlie Gibson asked her if she agreed with the Bush Doctrine. The vacant look that came over her was priceless. It’s how I looked during those moot court sessions back in law school. But, you gotta give it to Charlie — he attempted to fill her in without making her look stupid. Classy guy, that Mr. Gibson. But that task was just a little above his pay grade.
So wait. Does this mean Sarah Palin is dirty hot?
I love Gina Gershon because she’s dirty hot. But I’ve never thought of her as particularly entertaining from, you know, an acting standpoint. I mean, she was in Showgirls for fuck’s sake. But she does a pretty decent Sarah Palin, I gotta say:
A lawsuit involving Josh Hartnett that isn’t about his terrible acting is a waste of the pleading paper it’s printed on
Josh Hartnett is suing the Daily Mirror, a British paper, because of a story it printed earlier this month about him allegedly getting frisky with a gal in a London hotel library and being filmed in the act. Seems that Hartnett thinks that tales of him boffing chicks is defamatory, and he not only wants money, but a public apology.
As our dear friends over at IDLYITW put it:
I tried to figure out why somebody would make up a story about Josh Hartnett having sex in public, because really, it’s Josh Hartnett. Who cares. If you’re gonna make up a story, go all out, man. Like Ron Howard has a private island where he breeds sex slaves for Tom Hanks.
Seriously. I mean, yeah, a Hartnett sex story may sell a couple of papers. But Tom Hanks and sex slaves? Those newstands will be empty before folks finish their morning coffee.
And speaking of sex slaves, have I ever mentioned that I once lived in an apartment complex that the FBI raided because there was a major international sex slave thing going on? Stay classy LA!
Pig/Lipstick Final Post …
How wrong was the McCain campaign?
So wrong that Bill O’Reilly is defending Obama.
5th Period Inadvertently Turns Into a Lesson on Torture Porn
Hey Teach! Next time you decide to watch torture porn on your computer, while sitting in front of your classroom, try to remember to disconnect it from the projector. You pud.
Phoenix police are investigating a Phoenix photography teacher after some high school students reported that he played pornographic videos during class, reported ABC15, NewsChannel5’s sister station …
She said the teacher had connected his personal computer to a projector screen for a photography lesson.
That’s when students said the teacher began viewing the videos.
“He forgot the projector screen was turned on and he started watching porn and we were all just like sitting there shocked that he was watching this in front of the class.”
Students said they did try to signal the teacher but he never looked up from his computer.
“He was just all into it, I don’t even think he was paying attention to us, he was just all in his computer. We were making comments like ‘Wow, what is he watching?’ and that kind of stuff but I think he was too into it to even notice.”
Well, at least he kept on his pants. It’s the small victories, really.
Keith Olbermann Gets Self Righteous Again …
This time on 9/11.
And, again, he’s more or less right. Smug as hell. But accurate.
The Daily Memo - 9/11/08
For the second time, Larry Craig is taking a wide stance in the courtroom. (WSJ Law Blog)
Where’s that phrase “lipstick on a pig” come from anyways? (Slate)
If you’ve got pain-in-the-ass tenants, here’s the way to legally evict them. (LawInfo)
Is the latest law school trend to hire couples as new professors? (Law.com)
Entertaining tales from the wonderful fun that is OCI. (Above the Law)
Florida’s ban against gay adoption has been tossed. (Law.com)
Lipstick on a Pig? Bitch, please.
How cool is Barack Obama? As cool as the other side of the motherfucking pillow. Does he get rattled by the lipstick on a pig bullshit.
He makes a mockery of it. Smile, and the whole world smiles with you. Except for John McCain. Because when he smiles, he looks kind of creepy. Like you wanna keep him away from your kids.
Good Will Hunts
I love Matt Damon. And everything he says about Sarah Palin in this video is absolutely correct. I applaud every word. I just wish it weren’t on video. Those goddamn Republicans will find a way to turn it against Obama. Probably something about Damon being Obama’s celebrity buddy. Because Obama is a celebrity. And all celebrities know each other. And snort drugs and have wild orgies.
Oh wait: That’s the U.S. Interior Department.
Matt: Keep your opinions on the DL, man. Affleck was a huge Kerry supporter in 2004, and we all remember how that went down.
Mitchell Berns is My Hero
This is a great little tale. Long and the short of it is that Berns, a NY securities litigator, sued Delta Airlines in small claims court over weather-related flight delays. When Delta didn’t bother to show up, he won a default judgment for $938, the price he spent on getting another flight.
When a legal analyst from the airline called him two weeks later to negotiate a payment, he declined an offer of frequent-flier miles (“Confederate currency,” in his words) and made a counteroffer: If you pay me within two weeks, I’ll knock $100 off. Delta agreed but asked for a confidentiality agreement. Berns said they couldn’t have both, and Delta took the discount.
Seriously. My hero.
OMG! Did Begala Just Call Palin a Monkey!
He did! He did!
But there won’t be a big, fake-outrage ad made about this slur. Because to make a big deal out of it might enter the idea into the American subconscience that Sarah Palin was once a monkey, and as a firm believer in creationism, that’s just the sort of tactic that might backfire on her.
You know what I love about Sarah Palin, feminist? The way she’s letting the McCain campaign extract sympathy out of her gender! Play that victim card, baby! That’s the feminist way.
Except feminists don’t wear lipstick. Am I right?
The DOJ and Google sitting in a tree…
It seems that the DOJ may be setting its sites on Google, which makes me happy as a pig in shit. While Google was a force of Internet Good for some time, it’s let its power go to its head in recent years as it’s taken over the world of online advertising. And the DOJ has apparently noticed, as the Feds have gone and hired Walt Disney’s former general counsel for a possible attack on Google. More relevant than his Disney ties are the fact that, in the 70’s, he was an Assistant Attorney General and ran the DOJ’s Antitrust Division.
Seems that the DOJ has its pants in a bunch over Google’s advertising deal with Yahoo, and:
For weeks, U.S. lawyers have been deposing witnesses and issuing subpoenas for documents to support a challenge to the deal, lawyers close to the review said. Such efforts don’t always mean a case will be brought, however.
It isn’t clear whether a U.S. challenge would target the Google-Yahoo deal alone or take on broader aspects of Google’s conduct in the growing online-advertising business.
I’ve been saying for a while now that Google was going to find itself in trouble one day with some of the shenanigans it pulls with its advertising regime. Could it’s day of reckoning soon be at hand?
The All-Time Best Bad Driving Excuse
Here’s one for the books. A man was pulled over after cops spotted him driving erratically. When asked why he was driving as such, Kurtis Ward matter-of-factly told the officer that the reason was because his passenger had spilled his beer.
Ward, naturally, failed his field sobriety test, and was arrested for drunk driving. It was his sixth DUI.
The Daily Memo - 9/10/08
Duke’s lawyers actually argued that Duke football is the worst there is. But, my dear friends, what about my own alma matter, Temple? The Owls are fucking terrible man. (WSJ Law Blog).
A French woman is suing the Church of Scientology for “organised fraud.” Fantastic. (Telegraph)
A Georgia judge is stepping down from the bench because “God has called [her] to a higher place” … TV. (Law.com)
This really is an awesome attorney bio, so it comes as no surprise that the lawyer raised by penguins went to BU Law (represent!). (Legal Antics)
A Washington watchdog group is soon going to get a face full of Cheney buckshot. (WSJ Law Blog)
The Voice of God’s estate has won its appeal against NFL Films. (Law.com)
Damn. That One Smarts.
You gotta hand it to them: The McCain campaign hits those sweet spots occasionally. Granted, it’s a quote that isn’t in the least directed toward Palin, but Ouch. Nevermind that McCain said the same thing about Hillary a while back, apparently there’s no video of that. So, it’s like it didn’t happen.
55 more days. It’s gonna be ugly. And this bit of pain is gonna stick around for a while.
Update: A McCain video does exist.
Well that’ll teach ‘er!
Carlos Salazar, an Arizona man,got into a fight with his wife. He wanted her family to leave the Salazar’s home, while his wife was perfectly fine with them staying, thank you very much. Words were had. And then Salazar took shit to. Another. Level.
He stormed upstairs and tore up a new $28 bra his wife had bought. And then he called the cops to settle the dispute and found himself arrested, for the little bra mishap, and facing a charge of criminal damage.
Morale of the story? Seriously dude, never fuck with a women’s undergarments.
Well at least he didn’t whip out a gun
Jeffrey M. Hansen’s like a scientist. He was wandering buy the local sheriff’s office on a recent Friday night when he found himself overwhelmed with curiosity about whether the windows were really bulletproof.
So he conducted an experiment, by hucking rocks at the windows.
He was eventually met by some officers who wanted to see what the hubbub was about, and Hansen was pretty upfront about the whole thing:
Hansen gave himself up, holding out his wrists to officers, and admitted to causing the damage, telling officers to handcuff and arrest him, the release says.
He was charged with reckless endangering safety, disorderly conduct and criminal damage to property.
The windows did not break, although they did chip.
53 Percent of White Women Have Lost Their Minds
Well, the failure of Obama to pick Hillary as his VP choice is certainly starting to smart. According to the latest poll, there has been a 20 point swing among white women, in favor of McCain, since Sarah Palin was added to the ticket. Twenty Percent!
Why? I have no fucking clue; surely, Hillary supporters have not jumped ship in favor of Palin? Surely, these white women understand that the only way we could actually go backwards from George Bush would be to have Sarah Palin as the President. Are these white women taking the risks that John McCain will survive all four years of his presidency? Have they not seen the toll that eight years took on the appearance of Bill Clinton and George Bush? And McCain is 72 years old. That’s 312 in President years.
Abortion rights are fucked.
I’m terrified, folks. It’s just occurred to me that a Sarah Palin presidency is actually possible now. That it may actually happen. That it’s not just theoretical, “ha ha ha, wouldn’t that be funny” bullshit. She may actually be the President of the United States! Sarah Palin. Who doesn’t even understand what Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are. Who makes Dan Quayle look like a goddamn rocket scientist. Who compares herself to a pit bull with lipstick.
Oh, God. I think I’d rather keep Bush another four years. Hold me.
I just keep having to remind myself that, for a short time in 1992, Ross Perot led in all the polls. Serenity now. Serenity now.
Palin Always Looking Out for the Tax Payers
Here’s a somewhat surprising statistic, given that we’re talking about “maverick” Sarah Palin here. She charged the state of Alaska over $43,000 during her term as governor for travel, and billed the taxpayers $17,000 for per diem expenses, while traveling away.
The catch? Most of the money was for traveling to her home. Apparently, instead of staying in the governor’s mansion, Sarah and Todd Palin spent 312 nights in her own home, in Wasilla, 600 miles away. And they charged the state for travel and food expenses.
I bet it would’ve been a lot cheaper if she hasn’t sold that private jet.
The Daily Memo - 9/9/08
Sarah Palin, black leather and discipline? Yes please. (Salon)
The Romantics’ lawsuit over Guitar Hero has come to a quick and fruitless end. (43(B)log)
J.K. Rowling’s lawsuit against the Harry Potter Lexicon, however, worked out just fine for her. (WSJ Law Blog)
Hey lookit — state senators pull the same kind of bullshit as Federal senators. (Law.com)
Who’s laughing now, your honor? (Law.com)
More of the Same
Most readers have probably figured out that I’m supporting Obama in November. That being said, his latest ad has me thinking that maybe he needs to stop doing more of the same. I mean, am I the only tired of hearing the same two or three things coming out of his camp?
“We’d only have to pay the Vice-President 75% as much as a male Vice-President…”
Yesterday we gave you part one of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog’s report from last week’s RNC Convention. Here’s part two:
Do not — I repeat, do not — fuck with my fantasy football!
The online branch of CBS, CBS Interactive, has sued the NFL Players Association because the greedy NFLPA has itself threatened to sue CBS. Why? Because CBS doesn’t pay the Players Association a licensing fee for using football players’ stats for fantasy football. So CBS has jumped the gun on the NFLPA by asking a court to kindly tell the Players Association to play a game of hide and go fuck yourself.
Of course, the Players Association’s position is ludicrous, as the 8th Circuit found earlier this year in a similar case involving baseball. But it’s still a threat to my precious, precious fantasy football, and it will not stand. So even though I hate CBS for foisting “Two and a Half Men” on an unsuspecting world, I’ve firmly got their back on this one.
Say What You Want About the GOP. But They Are Savvy.
The big news in the all Sarah all-the-time political world is that the she has finally agreed to an interview with the press, even though her handlers are saying that they won’t let the media have her until they agree to treat her “with some level of respect and deference” (read: Don’t mention facts; facts are not her friend.”) But the sit-down interview is with ABC’s Charlie Gibson and while, at first, I was excited at the prospect of a decent newsman getting the gig (and not someone over on FOX News), it became apparent that even this interview is a sham.
Because the interview will take place in Alaska, over multiple days. Why not agree to one, lengthy sit-down chat? Because, silly you, by setting it up as mini-interviews over a course of a few days (in Palin’s home territory, the week her son is getting shipped off to Iraq, when she can extract the most sympathy), the GOP basically has Gibson in their back pocket. Why? Because it’s a ratings-monster for Gibson, perhaps the biggest coup since he took over the nightly news. And he wouldn’t want to ruin that. So, by setting it up over the course of several days, if Charlie Gibson doesn’t treat her with “deference and respect,” i.e., ask her about the scores of instances where her convention speech didn’t match her record, then the Republicans can pull subsequent interviews and screw over Charlie Gibson.
Charlie Gibson wants ratings. So, to prevent Palin from walking out, Charlie Gibson will ask boneheaded, softball questions. Undoubtedly.
They should’ve just given it to People Magazine. At least it would’ve been more transparent.
The Ego Wars Continue at MSNBC
That video that Seth showed you, last week of Keith Olbermann lamenting the fact that NBC decided to show a 9/11 tribute video, aired during the Republican National Convention, was the death knell in Olbermann’s future as an anchor for this election. Apparently, the big whigs at NBC had had enough of Chris Mathews, Keith Olbermann, and Joe Scarborough mucking up their attempts at objective coverage, so they have jerked both Obermann and Mathews out of the anchor chair, and chose to put the bland, stuffy David Gregory in as their replacement. Obermann and Mathews will now serve, more appropriately, as commentators for the rest of 2008’s election coverage.
I actually applaud the move. David Gregory is fairly benign, but that’s sort of what you want when it comes to an anchor. But more than that, MSNBC’s frothy liberal attitude is starting to hurt the brand identity of both Tom Brokaw and Brian Williams. Truthfully, I like them all (except for Scarborough, of course), and I actually do hate to see the objective reputations of Brokaw and Williams take a hit. Perhaps it’s a sign of my age, but I watch the “Nightly News” fairly regularly, and I tune in hoping to find out America’s general sentiment toward the candidates are, and not what the left or right thinks.
Olbermann is great at what he does — namely, playing counter to Bill O’Reilly. But he has no business anchoring. It was also strange to see him, last night, anchoring “Sunday Night Football.” I’ll concede that, though it was kind of stale, I enjoyed his repartee with Dan Patrick, again. It was familiar, and kind of comforting, a reminder of what ESPN used to be. But it’s next to impossible to separate Olbermann from his MSNBC personae now, and his one attempt to shoe-horn an O’Reilly dig into the broadcast made me cringe. Not because I don’t agree, but because it doesn’t belong there. People should have the option of going either left or right of the dial, but if they tune in expecting the center, they shouldn’t be subjected to the political opinions of football analysts. ESPN tried it with Rush Limbaugh, and it was a horrible idea. It is no less horrible now that they’ve found someone I align with politically.
Gawker, however, has a different opinion on the matter, and makes some pretty solid points about why MSNBC should stay crazy. And if MSNBC and NBC were more distinct organizations, I’d probably agree with them.
There are going to be a lot of videos at McCain’s expense in the near future — seriously, whoever it is on his campaign who dropped the ball on the video background needs to be fired — especially since, as we all expected, Colbert has tasked the Colbert Nation with doing the Lord’s work. So I’m we’ll be seeing a lot more of these over the coming week or two. And this one, the first I’ve run across, is a pretty good start:
The Daily Memo - 9/8/08
Tommy Lee Jones is suing Paramount over his No Country for Old Men contract because, apparently, it had a “no ambiguous endings” clause. (Cinematical)
Who knew law profs could have court envy. (Concurring Opinions)
Obama on Palin: “Don’t be fooled … words mean something, you can’t just make stuff up.” (The Huffington Post)
Fannie, Freddy, meet the feds. (The NY Times)
Interesting — the 8th Circuit says a 2005 bankruptcy provision, which prevents lawyers from advising their clients to rack up debt before filing for bankruptcy, violates the First Amendment. (WSJ Law Blog)
What’s the difference?
Man, “The Daily Show” was just on fire the last two weeks with these conventions, wasn’t it?
Oh glorious football…
I’m so happy you’ve returned to me. And sure, the highlight of the weekend was my Eagles’ monstrous victory over the Rams, but these wonderful mugshots of some true football fans, courtesy of The Smoking Gun, are pretty great too:
“Thousands of white people have gathered…”
Here’s part one of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog’s report from last week’s RNC Convention:
Heart Wants McCain Down, Down, Down, Down on his Knees
It seems like every time that the McCain camp busts out a song in support of the campaign, the song’s artist tells them to cut it the fuck out. And Heart is the latest to join those ranks.
Last week, the Republican’s blasted Heart’s “Barracuda” through the convention hall, a nod to VP candidate Sarah Palin, who’s high school basketball nickname was Sarah Barracuda. But Heart doesn’t dig the use of its song, so the Wilson sisters had their lables hit the Republicans with a cease-and-desist letter.
Oh, and actually, it’s not just that they “don’t dig” the use of their song. The sisters “said in a statement that … they ‘condemn’ the use of the song at the Republican convention.” Ouch.
At Least Someone In the Media Has the Balls to Apologize for the Despicable Treatment of Sarah Palin
Sarah Palin is not the only one with a mastery of sarcasm:
On behalf of the media, I would like to say we are sorry.
On behalf of the elite media, I would like to say we are very sorry.
We have asked questions this week that we should never have asked.
We have asked pathetic questions like: Who is Sarah Palin? What is her record? Where does she stand on the issues? And is she is qualified to be a heartbeat away from the presidency?
We have asked mean questions like: How well did John McCain know her before he selected her? How well did his campaign vet her? And was she his first choice?
Bad questions. Bad media. Bad.
It is not our job to ask questions. Or it shouldn’t be. To hear from the pols at the Republican National Convention this week, our job is to endorse and support the decisions of the pols.
If I’m not mistaken, this actually comes from a ultra-right win website. Politico.com is conservative, right? Maybe this isn’t sarcasm?
Thanks to a former editor from Life, the folks over at Poynter give us this magazine cover from September ‘04:
That Tina Fey looks like someone. Really reminds of someone, but I just can’t put my finger on it.
(Hat tip to Defamer.)
Reader Matthew C. pointed us to this story out of Florida (of course) knowing how much we’d love it. Right you were sir, right you were:
A 22-year-old suspected truck burglar made a dirty mistake after he tried to hide inside a portable toilet on Saturday. Tampa police said the man broke into two pickup trucks at a parking lot and the owner of the second truck fought the suspect and chased him to a nearby construction site.
The suspect tried to hide in the Port-O-Let, but the victim found him and turned it over, covering him in huge amounts of human waste.
The man was been charged with auto burglary and possession of burglary tools.
They did something like this in Jackass and I said it then, and I ‘ll say it now: “Ew ew ew.”
The Daily Memo - 9/5/08
Four more years! Four more years! Congrats to Jack Abramoff. (WSJ Law Blog)
Is “gunshot victim sues to get prosthetic leg back” or “all your prosthetic leg are belong to us” the headline of the day? Very well could be. (Supreme Dicta)
Wait a minute — I thought we were the only leftist, Commie website that could call McCain a hypocrite. (Salon)
And Joe Klein, meanwhile, has turned his sights on one aspect of Palin and Giuliani’s “shameful performance.” (Time)
A federal judge has tentatively decided not to dismiss that Myspace suicide case. (Law.com)
Republican Convention Wrap-Up Day 4
ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. No. Seriously. ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz.
It’s hard to tell which was duller: John McCain’s acceptance speech or the Giants/Redskins game. I think John Madden may have been more coherent than usual (probably because he was drunk), and there was one point in last night’s NFL telecast when Madden actually said something insightful, which may have been a first. It was more than McCain could muster.
I can’t really speak to the substance of McCain’s speech because, after the protesters were chased from the Hall and the screen in the background finally settled on one color, the only thing that kept me involved was counting the number of yawners the camera captured. I counted four.
I thought John Kerry’s 2004 speech was going to go down as the dullest in the modern era. We have a new winner.
Unleash the Hounds
You know that flag image behind McCain last night for his big speech? Sure did look like he was in front of a blue screen, didn’t it? I cannot wait to see what the Colbert Nation does with this one….
See Keith, you should’ve been watching football
Last night kicked off the 2008 NFL season and, except for the fact that Jason Campbell is my starting fantasy quarterback this week and he utterly shart the bed, last night was wonderful. Especially because it gave me a legit excuse to skip most of the RNC Convention coverage except for McCain’s speech.
Apparently, a 9/11 “tribute” video was shown during the convention and from Olbermann’s take on it, I didn’t miss much:
Keith, you’re a former sportscaster You should’ve known that Redskins/Giants was the better way to go. Remember your roots, man, remember your roots!
The Jabba-the-Hut Defense
Mayra Rosales was recently facing charges for allegedly killing her baby nephew by beating him to death. Horrible story — the two-year-old was struck in the head twice and died as a result and his mother thinks that Rosales, who was watching the boy, is responsible.
Rosales’ attorneys, meanwhile, have argued that she couldn’t possibly have done it because she’s too big to move around and lift her arms. How big, you ask?
Almost one thousand pounds. That’s almost half a fucking ton!
The child’s mother, Rosales’ sister, thinks that the death may have been the result of Rosales rolling onto the boy. …Jesus.
Rosales is currently under house arrest (to steal a phrase from Weird Al: when Rosales sits around the house, she really sits around the house) pending a trial.
Of course, one has to ask — if Rosales is so fucking big that she can barely move or function on her own, why exactly was the kid’s mom happy and content to leave her child in Rosales’ care in the first place? Not that I’m blaming the mother in any way for the kid’s death, I’m just saying.
Hey! Wanna See Karl Rove F*ck Himself in the A**?
Some pictures speak way more than 1,000 words
I mean, sure, I can tell you all about the British burglar who tried to rob a house in the middle of the day, only to get his foot caught as he was busting through a window, leading to his ridicule and eventual arrest. By why bother, when these pictures tell you all you need to know and then some….
Today in Sweet Sweet Punditry
From Rebecca Schoenkopf, over on the Los Angeles CityBeat:
As an actual feminist, I have the great good joy of getting to determine what is and isn’t sexist. Sexist: Asking whether Sarah Palin shouldn’t be staying home with her baby and her other children. (And yes, I’ve heard you asking just that.) Not sexist: Pointing out that Sarah Palin is an utter twit.
I guess I’m 1 for 2, then.
And, in my efforts to continue discrediting her better-than-I’d-like speech last night, here’s Ben Stein, right-wing nut job and fellow creationist, on Palin:
Choice quote: “It’s back to what you call fundamentalist, born-again, backwoods values of the United States of America.
The Daily Memo - 9/4/08
Google’s already working to get rid of that awful language in the terms of service for their new Chrome browser… (Lifehacker)
…but Simon Says they may have a trademark lawsuit on their hands. (Concurring Opinions)
Is Justice Alito going to overturn Socrates’ death sentence? (Law.com)
Happy birthday, Whitey Bulger — the Feds just doubled their reward for your capture to $2 million! (LawInfo)
Reader Daniel S. sent along this handy quiz that’ll let you see how well you know your consumer rights. (Attorneys Catalog)
Rage Against the RNC
Rage Against the Machine was in Minnesota on Tuesday to play at an all-day event in the shadow of the RNC convention. When they were denied access to the stage (because it was too late to the event’s curfew), however, they went all acapella on the crowd’s ass:
The RNC Recap — Day 3 (More Palin)
I won’t deny the effectiveness of Sarah Palin’s speech last night. She was well spoken, articulate, and like Barack Obama, very clean. And made excellent use of sarcasm, to the point that I wanted to slap my television a few times. Though I do now find it odd that they are continuing to depict Barack Obama as the celebrity when, during the last week, Sarah Palin has been on the cover of Us Magazine, OK Magazine, People Magazine and The National Enquirer. So, she’s definitely getting the celebrity gossip vote. And, when I woke up at 6 a.m., on CNN — of all places — they couldn’t help but to do ratings-grabbing puff pieces on her and her family.
Sarah Palin is the next Paris Hilton.
Not that I’m trying to minimize her speech. But, I lump her into the Sanjaya Malakar phenomenon. Two seasons ago, Sanjaya Malakar — an incredibly untalented singer — managed to remain on “American Idol” long past the point his talent warranted. But each week, Simon Cowell — like the media with Sarah Palin — attacked Sanjaya with brutal honesty. The audience at home, recognizing that Sanjaya kind of sucked, voted for him all the same, partly because they felt sorry for him and partly because they wanted to see the train wreck continue. Ultimately, the “AI” voters came to their senses and voted Sanjaya off, as I assume the American public will also do when it comes to Palin.
And while I will, again, concede the effectiveness of her speech last night, her sarcasm and cynicism may have fired up the Democrats as much as Barack Obama’s acceptance speech last week. The speech certainly inspired a lot of fury among the left, and even among the more independent types, like John Williams, who I think nailed it when he wrote on ASWOBA:
To hear Rudy and everyone else talk about the elite media and political correctness over and over again, like it’s 1993 and this stuff is even remotely interesting, was pathetic. To hear Palin attack Obama’s soaring rhetoric when hers is pitched at that PTA level she’s so proud of, was pathetic. To hear them rail against the establishment in Washington when the establishment in Washington has been led by a Republican for eight years, was maddening. To listen to ancient arguments about government intrusion when Obama goes out of his way to argue that government can’t solve all our problems, was a sign of intellectual bankruptcy. To listen as John McCain’s incredible and brave experience as a POW was trotted out as an argument in itself for giving him power, as if he were Jesus and had suffered for our sins, was creepy to say the least.
And can I note, also, that the biggest problem (or gift) with Palin for the Republicans is that no one is speaking about the guy at the top of the ticket. It’s been six days now, and McCain has been all but drowned out by Palin. And dollars to donuts says that Palin’s speech last night fetched a lot more viewers than McCain’s acceptance speech will, tonight.
Now they’re arresting people for being fiscally conservative?
John Daniel Miller III just can’t catch a break. The 55-year-old Texas man likes himself some weed. But the economy’s rough right now, in case you haven’t heard, and weed don’t come cheep. So Miller did what any smartly frugal man would do, and began growing his own weed. And for this, he’s now been arrested.
Of course, the genius was growingover 70 plants along the side of his driveway. When the deputies showed up to take him in, Miller apparently said that he knew they’d be coming for him “sooner or later,” so at least he went into this cost-savings plan with open eyes. Blood-shot open eyes, but open eyes nonetheless.
Right then — carry on abusing dead bodies
Back in 2004, an 88-year-old gal died in a Michigan nursing home. Three classy nurse’s aids were supposed to prepare the body to be moved to a funeral home. While doing so, they decided to fuck around with the body, posing it, taking photos, etc. Other employees found out and told the folks in charge, and the three nurses were fired and eventually charged criminally under a state law forbidding the physical mistreatment of a patient.
A state appeals court has now thrown the case out because the law defines a “patient” as a “person,” and a corpse isn’t a “person” under the law. Makes sense, and is certainly the right interpretation under the law, but seems kinda ridiculous that the nurses can go on and putz around with corpses nily-wily. The state legislative body might want to get on that, you know?
On the plus side, it means you can still pull the Weekend at Bernies game in Michigan, which is pretty fantastic.
McCain is Actually One Wily Bitch? (Floating a Theory)
I’m just going to put this out there because, in the unlikely event that it happens, I get to be one prescient motherfucker. But, is it too farfetched and too cynical to actually believe that the Palin disaster was all part of McCain’s plan? After all, he’s got a Karl Rove protégé running his campaign, so I wouldn’t put elaborate, political scheming past him.
Here’s a possibility: McCain taps Palin (hee-hee), knowing everything in her background, and also knowing that, ultimately, she’ll be forced to resign from the ticket. But, having already named her, McCain has fired up the base and — from what the pundits lead us to believe, anyway — united the Republican party. But what if he wanted her to resign all along? What if he thought he could blame Obama and the Democrats for forcing her out? He plays the sympathy card, makes a martyr out of Palin, a woman-hating beast out of Obama, and then once he’s got his base aligned, he chooses Joe Lieberman as his VP pick, finally pulling in all those Democrats now alienated by Obama’s ghastly treatment of women? I can almost hear McCain’s speech:
“Sarah Palin was a good woman, a great mother, and an amazing choice for Vice President. Unfortunately, Obama, the Democrats, and their friends in the media have made it impossible for Sarah Palin to remain on the ticket and be a good mother to her five children at the same time. Palin felt that it was in the best interest of her children to resign from my ticket. I firmly believed that we live in a country where you can’t be a Mom and hold the second-highest office in the land. But we’ve still got a long way to go before we can encourage our political opponents to cut out the personal attacks of the families of candidates. Barack Obama said families were off limits. But his words didn’t match his actions. Now, thanks to Barack Obama and his henchman, it’s going to be at least another four years before that glass ceiling is shattered.”
It just might work, too.
When is a 3 Day Old Video Still Good Enough to Post?
When it’s from the Daily Show, of course.
God Bless Jon Stewart.
Uhm, fuck you Google
Ok, so if you haven’t heard, Google has unleashed its own browser, Chrome, onto the world, in an effort to battle Internet Explorer and Firefox and move one step closer to world domination and entirely ubiquitous advertising. But the terms of service for this browser? Yikes. Mostly standard stuff. But then there’s the bit where Google tells you that it may automatically download and install updates. Now many programs give you this as an option, but you also have the fallback option to manually do updates. A computer nerd like me doesn’t like my programs automatically doing shit like this. No sir.
But here’s the big one: by “submitting, posting or displaying” any content with Chrome, you are automatically giving Google the right to use that content to promote its own services. So if I had posted this blog entry in Chrome, they could turn around and do whatever they’d like with the words I’m currently typing “to display, distribute and promote the[ir] services.” Of course, with a post title telling Google to fuck off, one doubts that they would be keen on using my words. But I can’t get behind the fact that they even have that option. So I’ll be sticking with Firefox, thank you kindly.
Too Good … Can’t Resist … Force of Hilarity … Oh God …
The Daily Memo - 9/3/08
“Should associates pay their law firms for the privilege of working there?” Uhm, fuck and … oh, what’s that word. Oh yeah — no. (Above the Law)
This story, that after Palin became Mayor she forced the top city managers to resign as a test of loyalty, just can’t be true, right? Folks are just piling on for the sake of piling on, right? (The Washington Independent)
Not sure why they’re linking to this video, but I dig the tune and Dustin loves it, so I’m a-linking to it. (Is That Legal?)
Ouch — a patent infringement award was just slashed from $250 million to a “paltry” $19 million. (Law.com)
RNC - Day 2 (Recaps)
Not that any of you really need my expert analysis, but I couldn’t resist watching the Republican Convention last night, if only to see how they’d spin the Sarah Palin thing (her nomination is, for better or worse, drawing a lot of eyes toward the convention). George Bush gave a piss poor speech, and Joe Lieberman’s was pretty lackluster, having only the benefit of alienating more of his so-called supporters (I love how he kept referring to himself as a Democrat last night, though there are few Dems remaining who would associate with him). Most of the rest of the proceedings were pretty dull, and typically earnest and over-the-top when it comes flag-waving, country music, and military service (the level with which they used individuals from the military seemed downright exploitative).
But, I have to hand it to Fred Thompson, who gave the speech of the night. When you’re watching the opponents convention, a man or woman’s speech has to be judged by how deeply it pisses you off. And Fred Thompson pissed me the fuck off. Above is his 3 minutes or so about Sarah Palin, which I believe insinuates that Barack Obama got where he is by going to thousands of cocktail parties. Bullshit? Yeah. But it’s a helluva way to fire up the base, by accusing your opponent of drinking cocktails instead of domestic beer and whiskey, the number one and two causes of teenage pregnancy in the United States.(Fact: Scotch on the rocks rarely leads to unplanned pregnancy).
I was particularly fond of Thompson’s line where he suggested that the choice of Palin has “got the other side and their friends in the media in a state of panic.” I think what he meant to say was “has given the other side and their friends in the media wet panties.” Typically, Thompson offers up few examples of Palin’s qualifications but for her ability to field dress a moose which is, apparently, all the qualification you need in the G.O.P.
“Is John Yoo a Monster?”
Although I honored Labor Day weekend quite literally this year (stupid upcoming arbitration!), I did have a little down time, which I used to catch up on some of the old magazines piling up in my kitchen. One of those was the June issue of Esquire which included a very interesting article, the title of which I stole for this entry’s title. John Yoo, for those not recognizing the name, is the former Department of Justice attorney responsible for writing the notorious torture memo — the memo that said torture is when on causes pain equal to “death or organ failure” and which has been interpreted as letting the Administration do whatever it wants to “enemy combatants” as long as they don’t kill ‘em.
The article looks into the dichotomy of Yoo:
He’s been accused of war crimes and compared to the Nazi lawyers who justified Hitler. Many good Americans would like to see him fired, shamed, even imprisoned. But in his classroom at Berkeley School of Law, John Yoo is a charming and patient teacher, popular with students and cordial to all.
Of course, it also delves into the legal policy he employed for the torture memo, as well as talking to several critics. It’s a quite interesting read — although I walked away with my thoughts about the memo being unchanged (i.e., that it’s an embarrassment to our country), I do at least see some of where Yoo was coming from in writing it.
So you can get arrested for this shit now?
If bad fashion is a crime, there’s far worse that I can think of than a simple shirt being worn backwards, you know?
(The Smoking Gun never lets us down, does it?)
Eat Those Talking Points, Douchebags (All Palin All The Time)
It’s almost too goddamn easy. James Carville vs. A Woman Who Can’t Blink who is spitting out talking points that she can’t possibly believe. It’s a long video, and although it’s all pretty entertaining, around the 6:15 minute mark, when A Woman Who Can’t Blink accuses Carville of being demeaning to women, that’s when it starts to get really good.
Where I Come From, We’d Call Her Trailer Trash
But apparently if you’re on the VP ticket, you’re a hero.
I know I should probably let this go, but this Sarah Palin V.P. pick is so much goddamn fun, I’ve become preoccupied with it. So, in case you were actually doing something enjoyable with your life over the holiday, here’s the latest on Sarah Palin:
1) It was revealed that she hired a lawyer to represent her for the Troopergate scandal, where she’s been accused of putting pressure on someone in her administration to fire her ex-brother-in-law, who was embroiled in an ugly custody dispute with her sister.
2) For two years in the 90s, she belonged to the Alaska Independent Party, which — at times — has pushed for Alaska to secede from the Union. John McCain’s campaign theme is “Country First.”
3) Sarah Palin’s husband was arrested in 1984 for DWI.
4) Although she touted being against the Bridge to Nowhere in her stump speech, she was in fact for it during her campaign for governor.
5) There’s ample evidence that her husband impregnated her before they were married.
6) It’s become clear that John McCain wanted Joe Lieberman as his VP choice, but the conservative right wouldn’t allow it. So, in order to keep his pick a secret, he did very little vetting of Sarah Palin, which has resulted in all this embarrassment.
7) She was the director of indicted Senator Ted Steven’s 527. McCain’s running on a message of reform.
8) Sarah Palin’s 17-year-old daughter is five months pregnant.
Now, like any good communist liberal, I’ve been thoroughly enjoying the last few days, especially the fact that the choice of Sarah Palin has clearly overshadowed the Republican Convention (does anyone realize it’s even going on this week?). But what’s chapping my hide is how well the conservatives are taking it. I keep checking conservative sites — Fox News, Newsbusters, etc. — thinking that the bloggers and commenters would be throwing their hands up in the air. But they keep throwing the same phrase around:
“Sarah Palin is a real American with real problems. She’s salt of the Earth.”
What? Are you fucking kidding me? If Barack Obama had a teenager daughter who was pregnant, I can only imagine the racist shit the conservatives would be chucking at him.
And by the way, when did we start congratulating teenagers for getting knocked up?! This is absolutely crazy. And the conservative pundits are all, like: “I think it’s absolutely fantastic that she’s having this child.” Hey! She’s fucking boys without the blessing of God. Nothing? That’s fine, just so long as she has the baby and marries the boy?
And another thing: Someone called out my feminist credentials last week because I took issue with Palin returning to work three days after giving birth to a special needs child. Come on: Bad parenting is not feminist. Balancing your career and your children is feminist. Putting your career ahead of your children is shitty. Take a week off. Three weeks off. Use your government mandated 12 weeks of leave. If you’ve got the money, and the opportunity, take it. Having children means sacrifices. For both the mother and the father, which I say proudly as a part-time stay-at-home father.
Barack Obama Makes Gay History
A moment for the history books, indeed.
(Note: Listen closely. You may not catch it until the second time. I didn’t.).
The Daily Memo - 9/2/08
The future of legal journalism? Come on — we all know the answer to that one … QuizLaw! (Concurring Opinions)
What does Sarah Palin have in common with the black kid on “South Park?” (Salon)
Hat tip to reader Lisa for pointing out to us that, unfortunately, the wonderful Mayor of Clayton, GA has been defeated with the re-opening of that heinously illegal produce stand. (Contra Costa Times)
And another hat tip to reader Briana M. for pointing this out to us — good old Florida! That’s where a wacko was arrested because he got all riled up after Michelle Obama’s speech last week and started yelling and shooting his gun into the air outside of his RV. (TampaBay.com)
Could a next-term decision get us our first Supreme Court decision with an Enya reference? That’d be tits (it may be gay, but I dig on Enya). (SCOTUSblog)
When zoning laws try to shut down pole-dancing classes, well that’s when it’s time for some anarchy folks. (WSJ Law Blog)
The ol’ VP bait-and-switch, eh?. (Concurring Opinions)
McCain totally supports raising the minimum wage. Only, change “totally supports” to “repeatedly votes against.” (The Raw Story)
Will Juror for Food
This isn’t the first such story we’ve run across like this, but it doesn’t make it any less amusing — a Eugene, Oregon judge recently found herself on the shortside when it came to impaneling a jury, thanks to a high number of criminal trials and a high number of fine, upstanding citizens skipping out on jury duty. After looking through the phone book and unsuccessfully calling some folks and trying to get them to come down to court, Judge Bearden told her sheriff’s deputies to get outside and round-up some folks: “I told them, ‘Walk out that door onto Pearl Street and summon the first 10 to 12 people you see.’”
So the deputies went out into downtown Eugene and started summoning citizens for immediate jury duty. Said Judge Bearden: “I’m sure all of them had some place they would rather be on a beautiful, sunny August day.” You think? “I dealt with some angry people [who] didn’t think it was fair.” You think?
Not that I feel bad for the folks who were roped in — welcome to America, bitches. Every once in a blue moon, your country calls you. And when it calls, you answer.
(And yes, Judge Bearden’s action were legal under a little-used Oregan law, and she even made sure to check that the law was still good.)
(Hat tip to AtL.)
Our readers know us so well
Reader Matthew C. thought we might like this story. He thought correctly:
A robber’s plan to hold up a Southwest Side convenience store Monday afternoon took a different turn: The robber shot himself in the foot, got stabbed by a store employee and ended up in police custody at a city hospital, Chicago police said.
The botched robbery attempt unfolded about 3 p.m. Monday in the Brighton Mini Mart, 2532 W. 47th St., when two men entered the store and one pointed a handgun at the owners and demanded cash, police said.
As the assailants made their demands, a 24-year-old employee at the store resisted the armed man, who, during the struggle, accidentally shot himself in the foot. The 61-year-old owner of the store then apparently grabbed a knife and stabbed the wounded robber in the back, authorities said.
And the kicker?
Police said store employees suffered cuts to their hands in the incident. The two assailants fled to a getaway car, but the wounded robber was arrested after trying to get treatment for his injuries at Provident Hospital of Cook County, a police spokeswoman said.
Stupidity never ceases to amaze me.
Crazy is as Crazy will do
Chad Johnson was a good receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals.
Chad Johnson was a fan of end zone antics.
Chad Johnson, simply put, was.
But Chad Johnson no longer is.
That’s because he’s now Chad Ocho Cinco. Nut job went and legally changed his last name to the Spanishification of his jersey number that he’s used to refer to himself of late. Too bad he didn’t use the name his coach gave him — Ocho Psycho — cause those jerseys would sell like fucking hotcakes.
Breaking: Desperate Obama Impregnates Palin’s 17-Year-Old Daugther
Goddamn Democrats! Just as the beautiful Sarah Palin — hockey mom, PTA president, Ms. Congeniality, Savior — was skating by relatively unscathed by her complete lack of experience, her flip-flops on the bridge to nowhere, her husband’s DWI, her former career as a sports anchor, and the possibility that she’d been knocked up before she was married, those rascally Democrats had to go and ruin everything, revealing that Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol (no doubt named after a NASCAR racetrack) is unmarried and five months pregnant. Also, in high school, which is when those crazy Alaskan women are most fertile.
Clearly, like Hurricane Gustav, Bristol’s pregnancy was a calculated move on behalf of the Democrats designed to take down McCain’s candidacy. Clearly, back in March, Barack Obama — reading the writing on the wall, knowing that Sarah Palin would ultimately become the VP pick and take John McCain to sweet, sweet victory — put together a massive conspiracy to knock-up Bristol Palin.
It was called: Operation Wine Cooler.
Nice pick, McCain.
Hey hey hey
So before Barack’s speech there was that nice little Ken Burn’s film. And yes, it was nice. But it weren’t this. This is kick ass (and you have to love “the adolescent Obama”):
Happy Labor Day y’all — see ya tomorrow.