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The One Where Seth Transcends the Blog

fedcourt.jpg Truth: There are mornings when I wake up, sit down at my computer with a cup of coffee and a pistol with one in the chamber (you never know, do you?) and wonder to myself as I’m scouring the Internet for stupidity: Why do we bother? What do we get out of this beyond the comfort that some jackass in Florida is dumber than we are, if only by a smidge?

But there’s something crucial at the heart of this blog, something illusive, rarely talked about, and pushed deep into the back pages where few of you dare tread (it’s also where all the advertising exists - go there. Now. Fall into its trance). And that’s the “law.” Yeah: The motherfucking law. Funny word, huh? Say it a few times and see if you don’t start thinking about cole slaw. Anyway, though you’d be hard pressed to recognize it, both Seth and I actually did attend law school, and we both passed the bar. And one of us is even qualified to write about things more substantive than the criminal use of duct tape (no, seriously: It’s good stuff - you can even use it as a mask).

The point is: Today, one of us - the one who doesn’t fritter his time away writing about movies and celebrity gossip - is actually arguing in front of the Ninth Circuit. (Hint: It’s Seth.) For those of you unfamiliar with the Ninth Circuit, first of all: The fuck? Did you not take a civics course in high school? You not know anything about Article III, you dumb shit? What - you forgot all about that little tree graph of the judicial branch on page 142 of your American Government text, where the Ninth Circuit is placed one step below the Supreme Court (which has nine justices, though the average person can identify less than two). Yeah … that Ninth Circuit.

And this is not just any case: It’s a case with real goddamn meaning - it’s not about a guy who left his baby in the car while he went and saw a midnight screening of The Dark Knight. No sir: This one may be life and death. It’s actually an immigration case involving a Chinese man seeking asylum in the United States. His family was arrested and his mother beaten back in China, because this man sent Christian literature back home. And if this man is returned to China, as the government hopes to do, he’ll likely face extreme punishment. Because they don’t like Christians in China. Cause they’re commies. No. Really. They are. And Commies hate God. True story.

So, this morning, while you’re reading this, Seth will be arguing this man’s case in the second-highest court in the land (well, it’s tied for second, at least). And this man’s life will depend on it, at least in a legal sense. And what will you be doing besides scouring the Internet for stories about stupid people? Oh, and … take that, Lat. Where’d that Yale Law degree get you, buddy? How many times have you argued in front of the Ninth Circuit?

That’s what I thought.

We’ll have a full report this afternoon; I put on a suit for the first time in years to see this. I cannot fucking wait.

| Comments (12)


This may be too late, but good luck Seth.

"Did you not take a civics course in high school? You not know anything about Article III"

Actually, the Ninth Circuit, like all "Tribunals inferior to the supreme Court," was brought into being under Article I, not Article III.

Sorry, Dustin, but I must admit less-than-full knowledge about the Ninth Circuit. I mean, I've heard of it; I know it's pretty high up there in the hierarchy, but wasn't aware of its actual placement and importance.

I will, however, plead that, being Canadian, I've never taken a course in US civics.

But now that I've done a little homework, I am duly impressed and awed by Seth's undertaking today. Best of luck to him (and to his client).

I wish Seth the best of luck! I've seen some crappy oral arguments at the 9th cir., so if he's even half as quick and witty in person as he is on this site, I'm sure he'll rock it!

Good luck Seth! Can't wait to hear how it turns out.

Long time lurker coming out to say congratulations on the opportunity and good luck!
As a practicing lawyer I can chime in that arguing before the 9th Circuit is very impressive - and what an opportunity to argue what sounds like an extremely worthy cause! I'm guessing this is pro bono as well?
Looking forward to the update on how things play out.

I would need to eat a box of Immodium if ever faced with such a task.

Good luck to you Seth!

Quite impressive. I'm very interested to hear how it turns out for his defendant.

Go Seth!

I actually do understand the structure of the federal court system, and that the 9th circuit court is a huge deal. TV Whore is a real boy now.

Just one more reason I fucking love Quizlaw and put free ads for it on my site.

"ColesLaw" sounds like a new legal comedy on the CW.

Good Luck Seth!!!

You go, you bad ass!