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Monthly Archives: October 2008

Yes We Can

I’m so fucking sick of the candidates’ stump speeches, folks. I work from home. I tend to have CNN or MSNBC on half the day. I’ve heard every one of their speeches 30 to 40 times already. I know them all by heart. At this point, I could stand up and give the speeches for them, and in the case of McCain, probably better. The guy is just on autoprogram now, spitting out the same lines over and over and over again. And poor fucking Cindy McCain, who has to stand behind him three or four times a day. Stand quietly, smile, and listen to it, over and over and over again, knowing it’s probably for naught. That takes an immense amount of patience and tolerance.

I’m sick to death of it all. Even good ole Barack’s stump speech is starting to weigh on me. I appreciate that he changed it up earlier this week, but even that new speech has been worn into the grooves of my brain. I can’t fucking deal, anymore. I need this election to happen now. But I can’t bring myself to turn off the TV. I can’t bring myself to look away. Why, because seconds ago, McCain delivered one his pat goddamn lines, and then spent five seconds wiping his nose. Spontaneity! The Republican presidential candidate has a runny nose! Film at 6.

But you know what? I ran across this video again. I’ve seen it quite a few times, like everyone else. But, it’s been a while. Hell, it seems like half a lifetime since it came out. It feels kind of new now. And kind of great. And kind of inspiring. And I got goosebumps all over again listening to it. And it reminded me of why the hell we go through this hell. Because we’re about to elect the best motherfucking president in 50 years, people. It’s gonna happen. It’s really gonna fucking happen.

it’s almost over, folks. Four more days. Then you can let your guard down. You can stop watching the campaign coverage. You can go back to your lives. And you can go back knowing that, goddamnit, it’s gonna get better. It’s gonna get fucking better, and this man is gonna take us there.

Yes we can.

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There are Worse Ways to Go, I Suppose

zack-miri-porno-rogen-banks.jpgIt’s better than being on the crapper, i guess:

A young man born with a heart problem died while watching a porn film. Chris Nicholls, 23, collapsed after getting over-excited as he viewed the blue movie in his bedroom, an inquest heard.
He died of a cardiac arrest weeks after having open-heart surgery.
His body was found by his mum Clare at the family home in Redhill, Surrey. At the inquest she asked pathologist Dr Mary Sheppard, who examined Chris after his death, whether the heart attack was brought on by the film.
She said: “Christopher was watching a blue movie when I found him.

The name of the porno, unfortunately, was not given. But hey! Go see Zack and Miri Make a Porno! It’s 100 percent safe!

(H/T Julia)

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I do Believe in God. And with his blessing, I will murder Liddy Dole in her sleep. And then I will eat her corpse. Grrrr.


Where’s my four dollars?

twoDoll.jpgWhen I was a kid, I remember school yard fights. Some lunch money went missing from my bag, there might be some thrown fists and uttered vulgarities. Nowadays, apparently, four bucks gets snatched from your backpack and the proper course of action is to stab a mother fucker. At least, that’s how the children roll in Florida.

Kids today. Sheesh.

(Hat tip to reader Amy H.)



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Joe the Plumber Another Ridiculous Casualty of the Election

You know, Joe the Plumber came out and officially endorsed McCain/Palin yesterday. And I’m not so sure that’s going to work in their favor.

And, now that “Joe the Plumber” is “Joe the Opportunist” he doesn’t even have time for McCain anymore. This is joyous:

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The Absolute Best Reason to Vote on Tuesday

This video comes from a couple of “Daily Show” writers, as well as one from “Aqua Teen Hunger Force.” And it’s funny cause it’s true.

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The Barack Obama Infomercial

In case you folks missed it last night, here it is in full. And, as Rachel Maddow said, “He had me at the wheat fields.” Actually, it was pretty good, but I wasn’t blown away. I guess I was hoping for some Aaron Sorkin “West Wing,” rousing-speech in the pouring rain sort of thing. But, for a paid political ad, you probably couldn’t do much better.


War of the … Some Cambodian Flower

You gotta love stories like this: “A married couple in Cambodia who had ‘finally had enough’ of each other have gone their separate ways by literally cutting their home in half.”

For serious:

split-house.jpg

The wife will stay put with the upright half while her husband has carried away his half to start again on the other side of the village.

That rules.

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Sigh … I miss “The Wire”


Put up your dukes!

rockem-sockem.jpgSeymour Gray’s Des Moines house was recently robbed, and the burglar took off with two laptops and a desktop, among other things. Normal old smash and grab. Except that the burglar, who Gray says he knows, called a relative of Gray’s and not only admitted to the crime, but said he’d give all the shit back if, get this, Gray fights him and wins.

The burglar has challenged his victim to a winner-take-all fight.

This guy is my favorite burglar ever.


Barack to Screw Up Your TV Watching Tonight

barack_obamadasd.jpg

I don’t know what kind of interest there is in tonight’s Barack Obama paid infomercial. I’d just assumed that most folks have made up their mind already and might find it a nuisance, particularly since it pushes back the World Series game by 15 minutes, although the primetime schedule at 8:00 on a Wednesday isn’t exactly compelling, save for “Pushing Daisies,” which will air as usual.

But, you might be a little more interested if you knew that portions of it will be live from a rally out in Florida, and Bill Clinton may or may not appear.

Wednesday night’s Barack Obama primetime ad will contain a live segment near the end of the telecast.
The Democratic candidate is in Florida tomorrow and teaming with former president Bill Clinton for the first time on the campaign trail. The live portion will be broadcast from an evening rally, though it’s not clear if Clinton will share the stage during the segment.
“The entire half hour is being fed live to various outlets from a site in Florida,” a source said. “They’ll be feeding a tape for most of the broadcast and then a live portion at the end.”

It’s a risk, and it could backfire if protesters get involved. But I suspect it’s gonna be one of those rousing, Obama speeches full of goose-pimply moments.


Best Robocall Ever?

Robocalls should all be this sexy, you know (phone-sex Robocall starts around the 1:20 mark).

And the candidate’s defense: “Starkewolf, a 27-year old University of California Davis alumnus and graduate student, stated on his Web site that, ‘I take the credit or the blame for the statement that went out today. The unpaid staffer who recorded and submitted the message may have been a little overly enthusiastic in the delivery, but I believe it is good to get enthusiasm back into politics.’”

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Everybody Must Get Stoned

dyingwoman.jpgIn the first execution by stoning in southern Somalia since Sharia Law was instituted in August, a woman was pelted to death with stones in a main square in Kismayo in front of thousands of people. The woman had reportedly pled guilty to adultery.

A local Islamic leader even suggested that the woman requested the execution: “She was asked several times to review her confession but she stressed that she wanted Sharia law and the deserved punishment to apply,” said Sheikh Hayakallah.

I’m sure.

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The Daily Memo - 10/29/08

check.jpgLawyers need love too. (Above the Law)

check.jpgLarry David’s just waiting for November 4th to get over with already — I hear you man, I hear you. (Huffington Post)

check.jpgShockingest news of the week — Clarence Thomas thinks judges should talk less. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgThelen, smell ya later. (Above the Law)

check.jpgSo now judges are expected to be “patient, dignified and courteous?” What the hell is this world coming to? (Law.com)


So Simple. So Effective.

It’s all about the wink, boys.

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Fuck you, Bud Selig!

As I said on Pajiba earlier this morning, if I see you tonight, I’m kicking you in the taint. And if that means I wind up having a mugshot taken like one of these dudes, so be it:

phillies-rays-mugshot.jpg

(Hat tip to The Smoking Gun, as always.)


What’s the problem? He’s just a “can do” candidate, out there getting things done!

campaign-signs.jpgAwesome. A local County Commissioner in Oklahoma has been charged with misdemeanor theft after getting busted on video stealling his opponent’s campaign signs. Says reader Cathleen (hat tip), “it’s not Florida, but it is pretty great.” Right you are, ma’am, right you are.

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Makes me almost want to move to Alabama

sir-charles.jpgA lot can change in six years, but for now, Charles Barkley is saying that he plans to run for governor of Alabama in 2014. It’s long been speculated that Sir Charles would throw his hat into the ‘Bama ring, and Barkley now appears ready to do just that. He says he figures that he can’t screw things up worse than they already are, because: “We are number 48 in everything and Arkansas and Mississippi aren’t going anywhere.”

And that’s why I’d vote for him. Not sure he’d be a good Governor. But the man gives good quote. Constantly entertaining.

When he was criticized by folks about his gambling habits, this is what he had to say about those critics: “I never saw them in there getting kicked in the head by Karl Malone.”

Explaining his post-NBA girth: “I really don’t eat that much. I just, more or less, tend to eat all the time.”

On the nature of humanity: “I don’t care what people think. people are stupid.”

And my favorite Barkley quote, made as he was taken off the basketball court on a stretcher, with it being clear that he had just played his last NBA game: “I’m just what America needs - another unemployed black man.”

*Love*

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Get Off My Lawn Lady a Belligerent Granny

17755841_240X180.jpgIt’s not often here at QuizLaw that citizens involved in the comedically absurd criminal stories decide to actually respond. Last week, we told you about a 89-year-old woman who was arrested for basically doing what 89-year-old women do: She took a boy’s ball after it rolled on her lawn. We thought it was absurd that she was arrested, but what the hell do we know. Anyway, the mother of the boy in question actually left a long comment addressing the situation, and I thought we’d post it, in full:

First, I did not call the police. My husband did. I was at work. My kids are not unsupervised - my husband is off work at 3:00, and he was actually the one who threw the ball to my son too high. Our neighborhood is normally friendly - Edna is mean to neighborhood kids, but for the most part they leave her alone. There has never been damage to any of her property - we’ve lived here over six years, and my husband has cut her grass every week throughout most of that time. In fact, days before this happened, she called him into her house to visit when he brought her tomatoes. My son is not disrespectful - he did not trespass on her property - he only apologized to Edna. We did not call the cops - we called the Blue Ash police station and asked for the neighborhood liaison to come out and talk with Edna and to get the ball back. We don’t have a liaison because my family has caused problems. There are four other families with children - a total of 21 in the houses surrounding Edna’s house. There is another neighbor who has called the police dozens of times on at least six separate neighbors that had nothing to do with us and often had nothing to do with children - things like cats peeing in the yard, expired license plates, kids not wearing their helmets. The lady’s kid had a falling out with other kids in the neighborhood and it’s been a challenge ever since.
My son’s a good kid - honor roll - double accelerated math, accelerated science - Beta Club (volunteer organization that has numerous annual events) - he’s on a committee organizing an Adopt-A-Soldier program. His Destination Imagination team won local and state and came in 24th in globals - his airplane design was 2nd in the world and the Blue Ash airport featured it in last years airport days - this kid had a summer job as a golf caddie - my husband works for USPlaying Card - his hours have been cut - his income slashed 20%. I was unemployed over the summer - this punk brat everyone is slandering came up with the idea of using his caddie money to pay for fun things for the family over the summer. He took the girls to the Taste of Blue Ash, bought pizza, took us out to eat, bought movies at Blockbuster on rainy days - got us ice cream. He bought a WII and shared it with everyone in the neighborhood - helped pay for his sister’s birthday present - helped pay for gas, bought us milk, bread - even offered to go to the store when it was needed. I still owed him $200 (until last payday - I gave him $100. He put it in the bank until he decides what to do with it - wants to save for a moped.) It sounds pathetic and stupid, but the kid bought one thing for himself with his money - that stupid friggin football.
No we did not want Edna arrested - read the Cincinnati Enquirer - they got hold of the radio transmissions and proved that my husband asked the officer not to push it and said he was willing to wait for the neighborhood liaison officer. They arrested her because she got beligerant with them and threatened them. I’m not trying to be disrespectful to an old lady but the truth is the truth.

Lots more after the jump:

My son got two balls from PETA today. When I told him I thought he should send a thank you note, he told me that he already talked to his dad about going to take $10 from the bank tomorrow and go buy some thank you cards. I’ve no need to watch over this boy - I just wish he didn’t have need to help watch over us.
By the way - a local radio station had had a genius idea - Edna’s got a bunch of great-grandkids, and they talked to her granddaughter and were putting together a flag football game - the granddaughter was for it - Edna said no. A lawyer friend contacted me and offered his services for free - he is the chairperson of the Cinti Academy of Collaborative Professionals. He contacted her lawyer after I received a scathing letter threatening my kids with arrest from her lawyer. He asked to have a meeting with us to resolve this problem peacefully - Edna refused, saying she was too ill to travel downtown (15 minutes.) The night before, Dr. Phil’s office had called saying Edna really wants to go on his show. That night she went to Bingo. That morning she had gone downtown and met with her lawyer. So Ross sent Edna’s lawyer a letter requesting that she return the ball. Edna sent a check that someone had donated to her and said let that be payment for the ball - people are saying she is going to try to sell it. My lawyer said that isn’t acceptable - we just want the ball back and to be left alone and to stop having idiots make judgments about things they know nothing of.

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I Hope Eternal Hellfire Just Ripped Charlton Heston a New Asshole

yeshiva-uzi-2.jpgThis is messed up. Inexcusable. Depressing. Unbelievable. And it pisses me off to no end.

An 8-year-old boy died after accidentally shooting himself in the head while firing an Uzi submachine gun under adult supervision at a gun fair.
The boy lost control of the weapon while firing it Sunday at the Machine Gun Shoot and Firearms Expo at the Westfield Sportsman’s Club, police Lt. Lawrence Vallierpratte said.
Police said the boy, Christopher Bizilj (Bah-SEAL) of Ashford, Conn., was with a certified instructor and called the death a “self-inflicted accidental shooting.”
As the boy fired the Uzi, “the front end of the weapon went up with the backfire and he ended up receiving a round in his head,” police Lt. Hipolito Nunez said. The boy died at a hospital.

Is this what the fucking gun nuts are all about? Letting 8-year-olds fire Uzis? That’s your Second Amendment rights, assholes. An 8-year-old dead. By Uzi. Sons of bitches.

And you wanna know the sick irony of this? According to WaPo, “Gun purchases have also been climbing because of the worsening economy, which fuels fears of crime and civil disorder, industry sources and specialists said.”

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Hot Chicks with Lawsuits

chicks-and-db.jpgHave you heard of the website Hot Chicks with Douchebags? It’s pretty much exactly what it sounds like — a site that posts lots of photos of hot chicks hanging out with douchebags. The picture right here would be such an example (in connection with this photo, the sites asks “At what point in 2008 did ‘Bag Adouchrements cross over to start resembling Paula Abdul circa 1989?”). Anyway, I would’ve expected some of the douchebags to maybe file a lawsuit against the site, but I was mildly surprised when the headline about a lawsuit was about some of the hot chicks filing suit.

Three Jersey girls have sued the site and its creator over the inclusion of photos of them with douchetastic dudes on both the website and in the related book because:

As a result of the publishing of Plaintiffs’ photographs in this vulgar and negative book, the Plaintiffs have suffered damages, which have resulted in the Plaintiffs undergoing medical treatment, psychological therapy as well as financial damages, as Plaintiffs have been rejected in job applications and opportunities as a direct result of being included in this offensive book. The long term effect of this book on Plaintiffs cannot be completely known except to say the damages are extensive.

Perhaps the worst insult of all? The book had the audacity to describe the girls as “ass shaking.”

Meanwhile, one has to wonder if the one-two punch of being Jersey girls and hanging out with douchebags isn’t what caused their need for medical and phychological treatment, right? Is there an affirmative defense one can plead for “don’t be photographed with douchebags?” It’s like an updated “unclean hands” for the aughts.

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Spork Assault!

sporks.jpgI mean, do I even need to tell you anything else. Fucking assault by spork. Nuff said.

…But if you want to know a little more, here you go: 52-year-old Peter Albert tried to mug a man of his watch. When it wouldn’t quickly come off, Albert pulled out a spork he had gotten from a KFC and stabbed the watch-wearer. He then dropped some other KFC products onto
the ground and took off into the night. The cops tracked him down, and when they found a KFC bag and more sporks in his backpack, the evidence puzzle was complete.

Albert pleaded his armed robbery charge down to felony assualt with a deadly weapon (spork = deadly weapon!), and will be out of the clink as soon as he wraps up his one year sentence.

My question is, who the hell is wondering around with multiple sporks in their bag?

(Hat tip to reader Jennifer S., who suggests that between this and a certain governor, “Alaska might be angling to be the new Florida.” I think it’s still got a long way to go, mind you, but Palin plus spork assault is certainly a nice one-two step in the right direction.)


And now for the talent portion of our competition … idiocy

in-the-corner.jpgMiss Teen Louisiana USA may be cute, but she ain’t so smart. Seems that Lindsey Evans and three friends were recently hanging out at a local restaurant and evenutally got a $46 bill. Rather than, you know, paying the bill, they decided that an old fashioned dine-and-dash was in order. But after making a prompt getaway, Evans and her friends had to return because Miss Teen LA left her purse behind.

In the meantime, the restaurant’s owner had found the purse, along with Evans’ ID, and called the cops. Who were still there when Evans and company returned. They were all promptly arrested and charged with theft. Evans was also charged with possessing marijuana because — whoops — there was some weed in her purse too.

(Hat tip to reader Regina W.)


Shenanigans at the QuizLaw Alma Matter

BUtower.jpgWell, with Molly writing for the site now, I guess BU School of Law isn’t, technically, the site’s only law school alma matter, but whatever. Above the Law tells the tale of some shit that went down at BUSL last year, and it stinks. I guess a new professor was brought in on tenure track and given a first year property course to teach. She didn’t do such a good job, and wound up getting a host of bad reviews from the students (ATL says she “received scathing reviews” — is there a new crop of Pajiba writers brewing at the ol’ BUSL?).

But Dean O’Rourke decided the best thing to do was to throw those reviews out, and not even publish the 1-to-5 rankings. She met with the class and explained to them that the professor has a good record at her old schools and is going to get tenure anyway so, essentially, deal. Pressed, O’Rourke now says that she should’ve explained things better, but she doesn’t feel bad about not publishing the reviews, because her reasoning wasn’t that “I thought [the students] were mistaken about that particular class but to give a faculty colleague with a long history of teaching a fresh start at her new home.”

Sweep under the rug much Maureen?

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What are they going to do next, pin the ladies’ eyes open?

clockwork-orange.jpgLast week, Emily Bazelon wrote an article about a set of pro-life-supported laws that I hadn’t heard of before. Seems that a new trend in many states is to move towards mandatory ultrasounds, with the thinking being that if a woman sees the physical evidence of what’s inside her, she’ll be less likely to go through with an abortion. Fourteen states have laws relating to abortions and ultrasounds. Some are relatively innocuous, requiring clinics to simply offer ultrasounds. Most clinics do this already, and I have no problem requiring doctors to offer one.

But Alabama, Louisiana, Mississippi and Oklahoma require that ultrasounds be done pre-abortion. And Oklahoma’s law, which goes into effect the end of this week, goes well beyond that:

Oklahoma’s new statute dictates that either the doctor performing the abortion or a “certified technician working in conjunction” with that doctor do the ultrasound, “provide a simultaneous explanation of what the ultrasound is depicting,” and also “display the ultrasound images so that the pregnant woman may view them.” The law goes so far as to specify the doctor’s script: The physician must describe the heartbeat and the presence of internal organs, fingers, and toes. The patient then has to certify in writing that the doctor or technician duly did all of this before the abortion. She can avert her eyes from the screen, the statute allows. Maybe the legislators should have also thought to mention putting her hands over her ears.

This still isn’t as offensive as South Dakota’s requirement that doctors tell women that abortion means they’re facing an increased risk of suicide or suicidal tendencies, but it’s still appalling. What I particularly love about this is the hypocrisy of it all. These kind of laws are usually authored, sponsored and supported by Republicans, who are supposed to hold as one of their core tenants that the government doesn’t get involved where it doesn’t have to. Which kinda runs against these nanny state think-of-the-unborn-children laws, you know?

Bazelon raises raises another interesting effect of these laws:

For pro-life advocates, the dilemma for doctors is all gravy. If the laws make abortion providers feel like they can’t in good conscience perform abortions in light of the statutory straitjacket, maybe already beleaguered state clinics will have to close their doors. Oklahoma currently has only three abortion clinics. South Dakota has one. Also bedeviling the clinics are the time periods set for doctors to carry out the legislature’s instructions. The ultrasound must occur at least an hour before the abortion in Oklahoma, and the South Dakota script must be read to a woman at least two hours beforehand. These waiting periods thus mean that clinics must eat into one of their scarcest resources: a doctor’s time.

The Oklahoma law is being challenged in state courts, and while it would be good to see it get thrown the fuck out, I’m not holding my breath.

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What about the top ten ‘staches in Congress?

henry-waxman.jpgEsquire has named my own Congressman, the goofy-and-right-out-of-Harry-Potter-looking Henry Waxman, as one of the ten best members of Congress. He gets major props for having the balls not only to not just take Bush and his cronies on faith, but to try to actually look into their shenanigans and figure out what’s really going on.

Congrats Henry — keep on keeping on.

(Hat tip to http://laist.com/2008/10/21/waxman_makes_top_10_of_best_congres.php”>LAist.)


First, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Now a Damned Poodle?

rainbow-poodle.jpgIt’s the goddamned little dogs that wreak all the havoc:

Cramped after a Saturday night flight from Detroit, Choochy the poodle broke free after her plane landed at Logan and for the next 17 hours, the tiny white fugitive managed to elude nearly a dozen Massport employees and State Police, holding up runway traffic as she cavorted on the tarmac.
Gideon Lester, a passenger on a delayed US Airways flight to LaGuardia in New York, saw the event unfold. “I’m sitting on a plane at Logan waiting to take off. The runway had been closed because a stray dog, looks like a poodle, is running around the tarmac. Several MassPort officials are trying to catch him.”
Her romp ended yesterday afternoon when she was finally coaxed into custody, but not before she managed to delay at least eight flights for about 20 minutes each, according to Phil Orlandella, a Massport spokesman, who said the pup “did create a little havoc.”
Gideon Lester, who was headed to New York, watched from his window aboard his 11 a.m. US Airways flight, which sat on the runway for 25 minutes as five Massport vans drove in circles trying to corral Choochy.
The poodle “seemed to be having a good time,” said Lester, artistic director of the American Repertory Theatre. “They looked like they were running cattle.”

One more reason, folks, that toy dogs shouldn’t be allowed to breed.

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Whatever Happened to Those “Wassup!” Guys?

Here’s your answer.

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Somebody Needs a Nap


OK, Now It’s Getting Out of Hand

orphandddd.jpgSince a poorly drafted “safe haven” law went into effect in Nebraska this past summer, 21 teenaged kids have been abandoned by their parents at area hospitals.The law was meant to allow parents of infants to drop them off in a safe and secure place — similar laws have been enacted in a number of states and many foreign countries.

However, due to the lack of an age limit in the legislation, lawmakers were surprised to learn that the law protects parents of older children, too. While work on an amendment is already underway, as word has spread of the unique law, parents have been coming from far and wide to avail themselves of the opportunity to get rid of their kids. Its easy to make light of this, but whether parents are making the decision to abandon their children on the basis of economic realities, interpersonal or behavioral issues, or for other, more selfish reasons, its pretty sobering to consider what it would mean in the life of a preteen or teenager to be left on the stoop at the E.R.

Most recently, a mother drove all the way from Georgia to leave her 12-year old son at a hospital in Lincoln, Nebraska.

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A Chicken Goat in Every Pot … Kind Of …

LinoBoerGoatProfile1.jpgAfter 15 years of people from Dubya to Thomas Friedman extolling the merits of globalization, the fact that it has some drawbacks is becoming clear to even its most ardent boosters (and these are folks for whom issues like, oh, inherent power differentials that foster exploitative working conditions, or the horrible environmental implications of shipping materials and goods all over the place, weren’t big concerns.) As the U.S. economy shudders to a halt, it is dragging down markets across the globe.

In just one measure of the impact the downturn is having, the BBC reports that goat sales are “down sharply” at Mama Mikes, a webstore that lets Kenyans living abroad send a variety of items home, including goat, the traditional food for the holidays. Some analysts have said Africa shouldn’t be too affected by the downturn, but like many developing economies, Kenya relies heavily on “remittances” — cash and goods sent back to Kenya by those earning money elsewhere, in places like the US, Europe and the Middle East. As salaries shrink, the cost of living rises and jobs disappear abroad, the remittances are drying up. In addition to goats and other food items, customers at Mama Mikes can buy services like medical visits and school fees for families back in Kenya, but the company says revenue has dropped 30 percent over the past two months, and they are getting at least two cancellations a month.

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Don’t Let Opie’s Humilation Goes to Waste

See more Ron Howard videos at Funny or Die

This is mildly embarrassing, but that’s probably the point. It’s kind of cool to see these guys together again, even if it is a stunt.


Clearly, Obama’s Dancing Skills Came from the White Side of the Family


It’s Good to See the Gang Back Together …

Those scurrilous bastards over on “SNL” are determined to get Obama elected! I think the stock-market crash today will probably be all he needs.


Woman Facing Jail Time After Killing Cyber Husband

SecondLife_Me_and_My_New_Husband.jpgHoly Awesome. Who knew this could be a crime? A woman, involved in a game similar to “Second Life” (whatever the hell that is), may go to jail for killing her virtual husband. Yeah. No shit:

A 43-year-old Japanese piano teacher’s sudden divorce from her online husband in a virtual game world made her so angry that she logged on and killed his digital persona, police said Thursday.
The woman, who has been jailed on suspicion of illegally accessing a computer and manipulating electronic data, used his identification and password to log onto popular interactive game “Maple Story” to carry out the virtual murder in mid-May, a police official in northern Sapporo City said on condition of anonymity, citing department policy.
“I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry,” the official quoted her as telling investigators and admitting the allegations.
The woman had not plotted any revenge in the real world, the official said.
She has not yet been formally charged, but if convicted could face a prison term of up to five years or a fine up to $5,000.

You know what I’d love to do? Kill Internet trolls, virtually, that is. Could I go to prison for that?

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Step Up 3: The Presidential Face-Off


Watch more free videos

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A Heartwarming Tale About Rat Feces

02_rats_wild.jpgSometimes, just as you are about to lose faith in humanity, somebody comes along and gets a man his $1,000 in rat-shit covered $20 bills:

A southeast Missouri man is expected to be reimbursed for about $1,000 in bills that had been munched on by rodents. He had left the $20 bills in an unzipped vinyl bag on a desk at his home, and it was misplaced during the ice storm last winter and the flooding in March. He eventually found the bag, and in August took it to First Missouri State Bank in Jackson in hopes of covering his losses.
Bank manager Michelle Johns said Wednesday she and two staffers picked through rodent droppings and bird feathers and reassembled the bills. “With that mess, I didn’t know if we could do anything with it,” Johns said. The U.S. Mint advised Johns that both sets of serial numbers printed on the bills must be complete to get reimbursement. Johns said mint officials instructed her to send the reassembled bills — and the feces and feathers — to them in Washington, D.C.

Awwwwww. That’s almost inspiring.

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Take Your Polls and Shove It

pollsdd.pngThis late in the election cycle, it starts to feel like nobody is talking about anything else. Like many others of the leftward persuasion, I’ve felt really skittish about getting too comfortable with the lead Obama appears to have at this point — while most polls since the final debate show a double-digit lead nationally, the last 2 elections (2000 & 2004) were so deeply bruising, I feel like the residual trauma isn’t going to allow me to relax until Thanksgiving. And these polls are killing me:

From Zogby:

Democrat Barack Obama’s lead over Republican rival John McCain has grown to 12 points in the U.S. presidential race, with crucial independent and women voters increasingly moving to his side, according to a Reuters/C-SPAN/Zogby poll released on Thursday.
Zogby said McCain, 72, appeared to have lost the traction he won after the third and final presidential debate last week.

From the AP Poll:

The presidential race tightened after the final debate, with John McCain gaining among whites and people earning less than $50,000, according to an Associated Press-GfK poll that shows McCain and Barack Obama essentially running even among likely voters in the election homestretch.
The poll, which found Obama at 44 percent and McCain at 43 percent, supports what some Republicans and Democrats privately have said in recent days: that the race narrowed after the third debate as GOP-leaning voters drifted home to their party and McCain’s “Joe the plumber” analogy struck a chord.

What the fuck? Who to believe?

When you add in the issue of unacknowledged or implicit racism, then show some footage of the absolutely 100 percent completely maddening Sarah Palin, my blood pressure skyrockets. Needless to say, I’m not sleeping too well at the moment. And then today AP came out with a poll showing McCain pulling even with Obama. So here’s the deal: fuck the polls. I’m going to go volunteer for the campaign. There’s just a couple weeks left, folks. Lets make ‘em count.

(Editor’s Note: Woah, Molly. We know you’re new around here, and that you’re sleeping with one of the writers, but we don’t advocate direct action around here. Our self-righteousness is lazy, thank you very much.)

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Today in C*nt Punditry — McCain Edition

It must have been on the brain, huh?

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Can Rachel Maddow Be My Lesbian Girlfriend?

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You Know What? Fuck McCain …

For some reason, this unnerves more more than most of McCain’s cheap, political bullshit, because — for the most part — McCain allows his handlers and Palin do to the real dirty stuff. But to look at this brochure from his campaign tying Obama to terrorists, and to “absolutely” declare that he’s proud of it … it just makes my stomach turn. What an asshole.

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Is It Wrong that This Comic Book Cover Turns Me On?

gal_palin_crypt.jpg

Just a little. I mean: Look at that cartoon rack?

FYI: And for lots of Palin Halloween costume ideas, check here.


Verbal Gaffes are Fun!

I know he didn’t mean it. And yes: He quickly corrected himself. But he’s a doddering old man, and it’s fun to watch, all the same. Also: You don’t get to correct yourself when you accidentally put your finger on the red button that blows up the world!

Also also: Those nasty things that “Senator Obama’s supporters” (i.e., Murtha) have been saying about Western Pennsylvania? 100 percent true.

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Citizen’s Arrest!

Bold move, protester! But that Karl Rove is just too wily.

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We Have a Winner!

sarah-palin-thumb.jpg$400 haircut for John Edwards. Lose! $3,000 haircut for Hillary Clinton. Fail! $520 shoes for John McCain? Bitch, please. $150,000 in clothes, including nearly $5000 in hair and makeup? Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

We have a winner, folks: Sarah Palin!

According to financial disclosure records, the accessorizing began in early September and included bills from Saks Fifth Avenue in St. Louis and New York for a combined $49,425.74.
The records also document a couple of big-time shopping trips to Neiman Marcus in Minneapolis, including one $75,062.63 spree in early September.
The RNC also spent $4,716.49 on hair and makeup through September after reporting no such costs in August.

Does the McCain campaign deny this? Oh, hell no:

“With all of the important issues facing the country right now, it’s remarkable that we’re spending time talking about pantsuits and blouses,” said spokeswoman Tracey Schmitt. “It was always the intent that the clothing go to a charitable purpose after the campaign.”

Christ! The woman spends $150,000 on clothes and make-up in one month, charges the state of Alaska whenever she goes home to sleep, and charges the state $21,000 to take her family on business trips. Not important? If elected Vice President, the woman could spend the entire $700 billion allotted for the bailout on her wardrobe.

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Whoops

22gitmo_190.jpgThe NY Times reports that the Pentagon has dropped charges against 5 detainees being held at Guantanamo bay, in just the latest setback for the Bush administration in the Guantanamo debacle. While government prosecutors stated that they would be reevaluating the cases and reserve the right to bring new charges at any time, it appears that these particular 5 cases were initially handled by military prosecutor Lt. Col. Darel Vandeveld, who recently resigned over “systemic problems” that “raised ethical issues” because prosecutors “did not fully comply with rules that require that they turn over any information that might help the defense.” Of course, Pentagon authorities were quick to deny any relationship between Vandeveld and the dismissals:

Colonel Morris has denied that Colonel Vandeveld’s departure was related to a dispute about complying with legal rules for the proper handling of cases. “I don’t want to unduly attribute responsibility to him,” Colonel Morris said of reviewing the files handled by Colonel Vandeveld. “We have found that there is more work to be done on all these cases.” He said he had recently appointed new prosecutors to each of the cases. But detainees’ lawyers cast the decision to withdraw the charges as the latest in a series of difficulties government lawyers have had in pressing cases against Guantanamo detainees. “My impression is it is just a mess, and the floor is collapsing underneath them,” said Clare Algar, the executive director of Reprieve, an international legal organization that represent many detainees including Binyam Mohammed.

Colonel Vandeveld has said recently that he was ordered by military superiors not to comment on the Guantanamo cases and did not respond to a message seeking comment Tuesday.


As a Resident of Maine, Am I Pro-America or a Terrorist?

My opinion: The “Real America” should secede. They can call themselves, “Redneckia.”

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Six Meals for the Price of None

waffle houseddd.gifHere’s a fancy way of gaming the system to secure six terrible meals, a lot of indigestion, and a free bed for two nights.

A woman decided to go to jail rather than pay her bill at a Fort Pierce Waffle House restaurant. The total she went to jail over: $7.45. According to a police report, Maryanne O’Neill, 66, ordered coffee and a sandwich at a Waffle House restaurant on Saturday but refused to pay the bill.
The report said an officer asked her to pay or go to jail and she refused. A jail official said she was released Monday from the St. Lucie County Jail.

So, I wonder which was better: Waffle’s House’s scattered, smothered, and covered, or getting scattered, smothered, and covered in jail?


Holy Awesome: There Are Cool McCain Campaign Workers …

They’re just not allowed to talk to the media. That is, if they’re Muslim.

That’s kind of fucked up.

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Sarah Palin Appears on SNL Alongside Alec Baldin, Biden Relegated to Dunking Booth

Oh, sure: We all like “Ellen.” And yes, seeing whether Senator Biden can dunk Julia Louis-Dreyfus is strangely compelling, but can we not get this guy a cameo appearance on “SNL?” Quick, Biden: Say something stupid. No … no … a lot stupider than usual. You’ve got two weeks, brother. And all you need to do to appear on “SNL” is, basically, decrease your running mate’s odds of winning the presidency by 15 - 20 percent and you, too, will be to walk arm and arm with Alec Baldwin and have Amy Poehler belittle you. In person!

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Get off My La … Woah. Back Up Here. You’re Arresting Her?

17755841_240X180.jpgCops in Ohio arrested an 89-year-old lady over the weekend for doing what 89-year-old women do.

She took a teenager’s ball and wouldn’t give it back. Now 89 year-old Edna Jester from Blue Ash is facing charges.
“I said go ahead and arrest me. Handcuff me if you’d like, because I said I’m not guilty of anything,” said Jester.
Blue Ash Police arrested Jester Thursday for petty theft after taking her teenage neighbor’s football that was in her yard, NewsChannel5 sister station WCPO-TV in Cincinnati reported.
The incident was caught on tape by people across the street who support Jester.
“Taken down and interrogated, a 90 year-old lady. It almost hits home like this is the United States, this can’t happen and this is absolutely ridiculous,” said neighbor Kevin Pike.
Kelly Tanis has five children and said Jester has taken balls from her children before. So she called the police.
“This time it was a ball that my son had just bought with his own money. He works and he makes his own money, and he bought that ball, and six days later she took it.”

Good God! If you don’t want the old lady to take your fucking ball, keep it our of her goddamn yard. But if it bounces into it, don’t be surprised if she takes it. And for the love of God, is arrest really necessary?

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Oh Noes: Powder in Imminent Danger

powder-believe.jpgDespite the gloomy economic news and the opening of Oliver Stone’s new movie reminding us of the current president, Americans can be thankful that we don’t have to deal with the problem of ritual killing.

The BBC reports that Tanzanian albinos held a demonstration over the weekend to protest the death of more than 30 albinos over the past year. Traditional healers in Tanzania evidently believe that the body parts of an albino bring wealth, and increasing numbers of Albinos are being attacked and disfigured or killed for body parts like feet, genitals, hair, arms and legs.

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If a thing’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right

walk-the-line.jpgStanley Kobierowski doesn’t half-ass it. You, you decide to go drunk driving, you have a drink or two. You get pinched with a blood alcohol level of something in the teens, a .11, maybe a .19.

Kobierowski says the teens are for pussies.

When he gets busted for a DUI, he’s got a hefty BAC of almost .50, setting a record for the highest recorded level in Rhode Island for someone who wasn’t dead.

That’s how you do it, kids.

Frankly, this isn’t a surprise. You ever been to Rhode Island? Ain’t shit to do but try to drink yourself dead.

(And if you’re curious, Kobierowski pleaded no contest to his DUI charge, resulting in a one-year loss of his license, probation, a $500 fine and 40 hours of community service. No word on if the state will help him out with his inevitable liver transplant.)


Damn. Palin Can’t Even Get “SNL” Right

The good thing about the highest rated “SNL” episode in 14 years was that Tina Fey was still hilarious in her impersonation of Palin, and Amy Poehler’s Palin rap was, by far, the highlight of the show (Brolin wasn’t so bad, either). But, come on: Sarah Palin added nothing. She basically stood there and watched herself get mocked. She made no contribution whatsoever, except for those knee-high leather boots she was wearing at the end of the show (my eyeballs popped a little).

Man: If she’d had the cajones to actually do that Palin rap herself, I wouldn’t have switched my vote or anything, but I’d have respected the woman a hell of a lot more. Raising the roof while someone mocks you, however, doesn’t exactly make you presidential material. So, boo on Palin.

BWE said it best:

I thought I had respect for you, but now I wonder, is it possible to have respect for someone who so clearly does not respect herself? Because who on earth, with any shred of dignity, would allow themselves to be humiliated like this on live television? Usually we reserve that privilege for reality show contestants. But you’re running for Vice President of the United States of America. And no, this is NOT the same as other candidates, past and present, who have successfully poked fun at themselves on the late night comedy circuit (with the end result being that they seem more human and accessible). I’ve got news for you Sarah: it’s not self-deprecation when you allow others to do the deprecating. Especially when that metaphorical ass-raping is taking place just 10 feet away from you while you’re boppin’ your head, smiling like a dope, and even singing along at points. … Instead of appearing strong and in control of your own destiny, you looked like a damn fool up there.

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The dangerous Bra Bandit strikes again!

bras.jpgOk, you already know if we’re talking “Bra Bandit,” we’re talking Florida. This time, Bonita Springs is the particular part of Florida bringing us the wackness, in the form of a woman who has apparently stolen 452 bras since February, at a collective value of $190,000, from two local Victoria Secret Stores:

Investigators said a female customer walked into the store Thursday and immediately went to a four-drawer cabinet with new bras of the PINK brand name. The store manager told deputies the woman waited until employees were busy helping customers and then thrust the bras into a bag and exited the store.

The most amazing part of this is that this one job netted the woman 160 bras. Look, I realize employees get busy and all that. But no employee noticed a woman walking out with a bag stuffed with 160 bras? I mean, we’re not talking a little shopping bag here, you know?

Oh, right. Floridal.

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Boom!

This is how you turn McCain’s one decent line from the entire debate against him, completely neutralizing it.

And … yeah, I’m even getting kind of tired of politics, now. And I didn’t think it was possible this election cycle.

Joe the Plumber ‘08

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Gay! Gay! Gay!

Here’s lil’ Bill O’Reilly. Isn’t he adorable?

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Rape victims must remain sad and miserable forever!

i-has-a-sad.jpgLest you think that lawyers on the other side of the pond are somehow classier than our crop, let barrister Colin McCarraher set the record straight. He was defending a rapist and tried to claim that the man’s 2001 victim can’t really have been that traumatized by the 7-year-old ordeal because — get this — there were photos on her Facebook page where she was smiling.

“What we have is a person who has post traumatic stress but is quite capable of going out and having a good time at a fancy dress party.” And thus, argued McCarraher, the rapist should be given a lighter sentence. The judge saw through this horseshit, thankfully, and gave the rapist a five-and-a-half year sentence. And McCarraher has received a fair amount of criticism for being an utter douchenozzle.

(Hat tip to reader Patricia M.)

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La Pequeña Sarah Palin is Muy Bueno!

Ahhh….

(Hat tip to reader J. with whom I agree — it has indeed been way too fucking long. Welcome back, little one. Welcome back.)

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Letterman Bitch Slaps McCain on “Terrorist” Remarks

Here are the highlights, folks. And I guess I’m mostly peeved that McCain tried to turn this all into a joke. I mean: Yeah. The Late Show is a comedy show. But Dave had the guts to ask McCain a lot of things other journalists haven’t bothered to ask, and McCain awkwardly tried to blow him off. You just sort of feel like McCain was staring at the clock and praying for his segment to end.

My favorite part: McCain is all, like, “Well, Obama hasn’t been open about his relationship with Ayers. He said he was a guy from the neighborhood, and we know there’s more to it than that.” And then, when asked about G. Gordon Liddy, McCain initially says, “Who? Oh, that guy. Yeah. I met him once.” And then, after the commercial break, he’s all, like, “Oh, that G. Gordon Liddy. Oh, him. Yeah, we’re best buds. I hang out with his kid. But this is different. Liddy served time!”

So, if Ayers had spent some time in jail, then I’m sure he and Obama’s non-existent relationship would’ve been just fine.

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Brother can you spare a thumb?

thumb.jpgUp in Manitoba, Canada (eh), Muri Peace Chilton is serving a life sentence for the brutal rape, torture and murder of a teenage girl back in 1977 (way to live up to your middle name, buddy). One day, he was working in the clink’s shop when his thumb got caught between two hunks of metal, causing some cuts and blood spurts and the loss of a hunk of nail.

And hurt feelings, after a prison official laughed at his pain:

“The laughter was so loud that it could be heard over the din of the industrial machines and the dust collection system,” Chilton said. The instructor joked about the injury for months, he said.
“The self-respect of [Chilton] and inherent dignity of [Chilton] as a person suffered greatly due to the laughter,” he said.

And then, the poor bastard had to walk all the way to the infirmary without any gauze for his poor thumb, although he was certainly in better shape than what he left his poor teenage victim in.

Anyways, scumbag filed a lawsuit, naturally, and was awarded $2,500 because of the government official laughing at him. Hopefully this fucker will never be paroled to enjoy his newfound money, and will be stuck spending it on prison smokes.

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White People Aren’t Trash? I Beg to Differ

“I’m afraid if he wins, the blacks will take over.”

Truly, truly terrifying.

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John McCain: Salad Tossing Dragon

mccainassgrab.jpg

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So writing discrimination into the state constitution is a bad thing, you say?

There have been some heinous “vote yes on Prop 8” ads here in California. The one with the sweet-yet-homophobic old granny types particularly drives me nuts. Which makes me wish this Mac v. PC style video (which, admittedly, is quickly getting tired) would get some play:


More Commercials Should Imply We’re All Being Urinated On!

How awesome?


The Daily Memo - 10/16/08

check.jpgA Nebraska state senator is sad that his lawsuit against God — for causing earthquakes and tornadoes — has been thrown out of court because it’s impossible to effect service on the big guy in the sky. (Above the Law

check.jpgStatutory poetry? (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgAIG execs took an uber-expensive hunting trip — will these fuckers never learn? (Law.com)

check.jpgNevada’s Governor has been sued for allegedly threatening to rape a gal just before the 2006 election. (LawInfo)

check.jpgGee, you think they’re going to contest the $9.5 million parking ticket, or just pay the fine? (UPI)


It’s K-K-K-K-Ken c-c-c-coming to run for p-p-p-president

He’s got my vote!

(Michael Palin for President)

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John McCain Gives Good Face

Here’s the debate in 90 seconds … not the substantive parts, really. Because, who the hell could listen to what anyone was saying with McCain making all those Crusty McBastard faces. There were moments, in fact, when I thought that McCain was going to turn to Obama and say, “Tell ‘em Large Marge sent ya!”

Props to the Kos.

Update: Here’s one with a soundtrack!

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Father of the Election Year

baby-name-bible.jpgMark Ciptak is a truly patriotic man. The “truly patriotic” part comes from the fact that the apparently staunch Republican decided to name his daughter Sarah McCain Palin in order “to get the word out” about the McCain/Palin campaign.

The reason he’s truly a man, however, comes from the fact that he did this behind his wife’s back. He and his wife had previously picked the name Ava Grace for their daughter, but whatever with that — Ciptak went and had a truly patriotic name put on his daughter’s birth certificate, and his wife will just have to deal with it.

See? The addition of Palin to the Republican ticket really does show how much women have progressed in this world and in the Republican party. No longer are you womenfolk forced to simply suffer what your men tell you. …Or something like that.


Red October!

Ahem…

ShaneWorldSeriesBound.jpg

…as you were.

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It’s All Over But the Voting

sn_ts_101408_fixed.jpgThe kids have spoken. And the kids are hardly ever wrong. In fact, they haven’t been wrong in 40 years.

The Scholastic Presidential Election Poll results are in: Democratic nominee Senator Barack Obama won with 57 percent of the vote, to 39 percent for Republican nominee Senator John McCain.
The poll was open to kids from grades 1 to 12 in Scholastic News and Junior Scholastic magazines. Almost 250,000 (a quarter of a million) kids voted by paper ballot or online at www.scholastic.com/news. The poll closed on October 10.
Since 1940, the results of the student vote have mirrored the outcome of the general election all but twice: In 1948, kids voted for Thomas E. Dewey over Harry S. Truman. In 1960, more students voted for Richard M. Nixon than for John F. Kennedy. In 2000, a majority of student voters chose George W. Bush, mirroring the Electoral College result, but not the result of the popular vote.

I guess the business about Obama being an Arab terrorist who associates with Williams Ayers and Reverend Jeremy Wright haven’t filtered down to grade school yet. Or maybe it’s just that these kids are the only ones in America smart enough not to give a shit.

Here’s my question, though: What kind of crazy kids in 1960 would actually select grumpy old Nixon over good-looking, charming Kennedy? I blame Eisenhower. And Palin.

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Today in C*nt Punditry (Ooops Edition)

Well, the liberal media bias was certainly evident in this clip.

I do love me some Kyra, though.


Black political leadership increases at every level (a harbinger of things to come)

racismffff.jpgWhile Barack Obama’s lead in national polls continues to grow against rival John McCain, many continue to express concern about the role that racism may play in the voting booth. Some pundits and pollsters suggest that people may be more likely to express support for Obama to a pollster than to follow through and vote for him; the idea is that in the privacy behind the curtain, latent racism may arise. It is extremely difficult to measure the extent to which this phenomenon will be a force in the election, but some have estimated that Obama needs a healthy 4-9 point lead going in to the election to secure a win.

However, the NYTimes reported today on the rapid increase in the number of black politicians in majority-white areas throughout the country, a development that suggests race may play a smaller role in the presidential election than has been previously assumed. The story focuses on black state representatives and city councilpeople in extremely white states like New Hampshire, Iowa and Minnesota. While these politicians do face racist attitudes by some of their constituents, they have been able to overcome many assumptions and fears and to gain support from their communities, regardless of race.

Hooray.

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The Daily Memo - 10/15/08

check.jpgRidiculous proposition of the day — should law firm partners voting for Obama raise senior associate salaries to compensate for Obama’s tax hikes? (Above the Law)

check.jpgHey, look at that — a blawg winds up having a footnote impact on a Ninth Circuit opinion. (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgGoogle says “nein” to the German trial courts’ copyright decisions. (The Trademark Blog)

check.jpgSo using my friend’s driver’s license as a fake ID when he has a warrant out for his arrest is a bad thing? You don’t say! (Seacoast Online)


It was a dark and stormy court

sam-spade.jpgI’m not particularly a fan of Chief Justice Johnny, but the noir opening to his dissent in Pennsylvania v. Dunlap, about a drug arrest and probable cause issues, is pretty solid:

Officer Sean Devlin, Narcotics Strike Force, was working the morning shift. Undercover surveillance. The neighborhood? Tough as a three-dollar steak. Devlin knew. Five years on the beat, nine months with the Strike Force. He’d made fifteen, twenty drug busts in the neighborhood.
Devlin spotted him: a lone man on the corner. Another approached. Quick exchange of words. Cash handed over; small objects handed back. Each man then quickly on his own way. Devlin knew the guy wasn’t buying bus tokens. He radioed a description and Officer Stein picked up the buyer. Sure enough: three bags of crack in the guy’s pocket. Head downtown and book him. Just another day at the office.

But where’s the gal with the gams that just wouldn’t quit?

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Wow. Just … wow.

handcuffs.jpgRichard Chip Dougherty was busted for a DUI. Normally, that’ll get you a single criminal charge. Maybe, if you’re an asshole and fight the cops, or you’re an idiot and have some illegal shit in your car, you might get a couple more charges on top of the DUI charge.

But Dougherty is something special. His DUI bust has left him facing over a hundred felony counts. Seems the cops found some forged prescriptions on Dougherty when he was busted back in August. One investigation-over-a-few-months later, and now he’s facing “58 counts of forgery, 31 counts of obtaining a controlled substance by fraud, 31 counts of criminal use of personal identification information and 29 counts of trafficking in controlled substances.”

Do I even need to tell you this was in Florida?

Nah, didn’t think so.

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I said “help,” not “arrest”

squatter.jpgIt’s not every day that someone calls the cops for help winds up behind bars themselves. But that’s what happened when a 25-year-old Nebraska man called the cops for help because someone was trying to break into his apartment. The cops showed up to find that the person trying to break into the apartment was the apartment manager. He was trying to “break in” because the apartment was supposed to be vacant, only now someone was squatting in the apartment and had even gone so far as to change the locks.

So, uhm, yeah. Note to self — if I’m illegally squatting in an apartment, calling the cops may not be the best plan. Especially when, on top of that, there’s weed and grow equipment in my illegal abode.

Sheesh.


Awesome

in-the-corner.jpgJudge Paul Lenz likes to humiliate folks. Over his time on the bench, he’s given about 20 criminal defendants the chance to face public humiliation to save themselves some time in the clink. But most take the jail option. Shane McQuillan, however, went with humiliation. Facing charges for drunkenly ramming his car into a water treatment plant’s gate, Judge Lenz gave him a simple choice: sit in jail, or head out with an “I was stupid” sign.

“It’s a difficult thing to do if you think about it for yourself. It’s basically a public acknowledgment that what you did was wrong and that’s difficult for people to do,” Judge Lenz says. “It’s also for others who might think about doing that type of behavior to think about.”

(Hat tip to Supreme Dicta and, yes Harlan, it is indeed too bad that this story doesn’t come from Sheboygan.)


Who’s to Blame for the Ugly Tone of McCain’s Campaign? Rachel Maddow?

Here, but mostly on Pajiba, I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time praising Rachel Maddow, my new lesbian girl crush (I’m not sure what that makes me, as a straight man). She’s one of the smartest television news personalities on the air, and she’s funny without being smug. But here’s the thing: It’s an unapologeticly liberal news show, and because Maddow is sharp and quick-witted, she very rarely gets anyone of the Republican persuasion on her show to argue with, but for crazy Uncle Pat Buchanan, the lovable racist.

That changed last night, when Maddow faced her first really difficult interview, after a month on the air, with David Frum, writer for The National Review and a former economics speechwriter for George Bush. And the thing about Frum is, he’s not a empty-headed Republican full of talking points and bullshit. He’s a smart guy, a guy who really disliked the choice of Palin. And, as the video above shows, he’s also humorless as hell. And what do you get when you pit an acerbic, good-natured television personality against a smart, humorless Republican?

Awkwardness. Lots of it, as Frum blames Maddow for the political tone out on the campaign trail now. Maddow held her own, admirably. But the exchange is a draw.

(Interview starts around the 3 minute mark)

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Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?

article-1077280-02188D23000005DC-89_233x423.jpgJanet Magee, a Methodist minister in the UK, is currently on trial for falsely claiming to be the victim of harassment and threatening phone calls. According to the Daily Mail, the vicar complained of harassing mail and phone calls for several years; police were never able to follow up her claims, and ended up becoming suspicious of her. They then surreptitiously installed a closed-circuit TV in her home:

In August 2007 when she returned from an exchange visit to the United States the minister claimed to have received a hand-delivered letter containing pieces of dog dirt. The CCTV footage was checked by officers but nobody was found making a suspicious delivery. The following month she claimed she received a hand-delivered note accompanied by a dead hedgehog. The note read: “Dead like you will be soon. I told you the police could never catch me.”
The vicar was arrested and her home searched. An envelope was found containing newspaper cuttings and letters removed from them had been sent with the hedgehog, it was alleged. She said she could give no explanation when confronted with the evidence herself and told officers:’If I was you I would be thinking she has done it herself.’

In a stunning display of apparent delusion, the Rev. later elaborated on her “not guilty” plea: “Whoever set me up has done it brilliantly,” Magee said. “I take my hat off to them.”

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The Daily Memo - 10/14/08

check.jpgBankers 1, Lehman Brothers CEO 0. (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgFifth Circuit to Rocket Docket: “Chill the fuck out.” (Law.com)

check.jpgBlawg Review #181. (Mediation Channel)

check.jpgProfessor Lessing: “Arrrrgh, matey.” (The Trademark Blog)

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Hey Hank — Stick to Monday Night Football, Dude

McCain / Palin have now secured the Waffle House vote.


Motorboat

Here’s Lisa Ann, the lady who starring in Hustler Video’s upcoming Nailin’ Paylin’. I don’t know much, but I do know this — if you buy this video and skip past the NSFW bits, the “dialogue” and “plot” parts will likely be as informative as tomorrow night’s final presidential debate.

nailin-paylin.jpg

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Well a criminal’s gotta have a good soundtrack!

xkcd-10-12-08.jpg

(From the always wonderful xkcd.)

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The Daily Memo - 10/13/08

check.jpgI’m on board with the notion of election reform regarding state judges. (Slate)

check.jpgPlay your rap tunes too loud and you, too, could wind up listening to Bach. (Above the Law)

check.jpg“Why become a lawyer?” Oh how I wished I could go tell 1998-Seth to ask himself that question repeatedly. (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgAn Alaska investigative panel say Guv’nor Palin abused her powers. (Law.com)

check.jpgAwww, my boy Ed Rendell (PA’s governor) is helping out the puppies. (LawInfo)


See people, this is how this shit starts!

gMarriage.jpgThe gays are taking over. California and Massachusetts were bad enough, but now the Connecticut Supremes have legalized gay marriage. Do you understand what this means, people? We’re going to have legalized man-on-man and woman-on-woman marriages mere miles away from New York City! It’s not bad enough that Wall Street has gone to shit, now we’re that close to gay marriage in the Big Apple. Which means more broadway shows and, from there, mass hysteria! Hold on to your belt buckles folks, we’re through the looking glass here.

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Bizarre chemicals? S’ok. Weird drawing? Get the fuck out!

jerilea-zempel.jpgSo there are these guys who work at the US border. Let’s call them US Customs and Border Protection officers, yeah? And these officers are there to protect our country. From terrorists, from ne’erdowells and, most importantly, from intellectual property pirates. You try coming into this country with shit that infringes my copyright, you can just turn right the fuck around!

But wait, you say. Isn’t this ridiculous, you ask.

No! If it weren’t for the fine fellows who work at the border, this drawing would’ve made into our glorious nation:

zempel-drawing.jpg

Ridiculous? You tell me.

Yeah, you see, that bitch pictured at the top of this article, Jerilea Zempel, had the nerve, the audacity, to try to bring that sketch into the country.

crocheted-suv.jpgOf course, it turns out that Zempel is an artist. And her sketch wasn’t so much an infringement of someone else’s copyright, but a drawing of “Homeland Security Blanket,” a project worked on (pictured to the left) involving a crocheted SUV meant to be a statement against our love of Big Oil and big cars.

(Hat tip to Blawg Review’s anonymous editor and The J-Walk Blog.)


OK. This Shit Has Got to Stop.

I’m sorry, but while I respect conservative ideology to a degree, and can even admit to “palling around with Republicans” from time to time, this “Obama is a terrorist” bullshit is really starting to piss me off. This shit is ugly, y’all. And it is fucked up. It’s 2008. Two thousand and eight! And people are still acting like this? Under the guise of patriotism.

It’s not cool, y’all. I cannot believe this is the way some Americans are acting. No. More than some. Like, 40 percent right now. I’m almost afraid if Obama wins, some of these wingnuts are gonna line up at the White House gates with a rope. And that’s not hyperbole. That’s a legitimate fear. Look at this above video. It scares the holy living hell out of me. And what’s worse is that McCain/Palin are egging it on. They’re provoking this shit. “Obama is a terrorist” isn’t just a talking point, it’s sticking. And this ain’t the Deep South. This is Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania, people.

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Hi. I’m a PC. And I’m Freddie Mac

pcmac.jpg

Remember Oliver Clark? No? He was the nice, young African-American man (or, as Joe Biden would say, “clean”) who was the second questioner at the most recent presidential debate. He asked about the bail-out, and John McCain prefaced his answer with, “You probably never heard of Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac before this.” Remember that? Remember how you cringed a little because McCain seemed to be patronizing the kid? And how you felt like you wanted to say something like, “Listen here you old bitch. I read the fucking papers, dude. Anyone who has picked up a paper or turned on the Internet the last month has heard of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. What do you take me for, asshole?”

Well, yeah. So, Oliver Clark said something like that, only nicer, on his Facebook page, when asked how he felt about McCain stated, “You’ve probably never heard of Freddie Mac or Fannie Mae”:

Well Senator, I actually did. I like to think of myself as a fairly intelligent person. I have a bachelor degree in Political Science from Tennessee State, so I try to keep myself up to date with current affairs. I have a Master degree in Legal Studies from Southern Illinois University, a few years in law school, and I am currently pursuing a Master in Public Administration from the University of Memphis. In defense of the Senator from Arizona I would say he is an older guy, and may have made an underestimation of my age. Honest mistake. However, it could be because I am a young African-American male. Whatever the case may be it was somewhat condescending regardless of my age to make an assumption regarding whether I was knowledgeable about Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

To be fair to Senator McCain, however, I think most folks assumed Freddie Mac was the character Justin Long plays in all those Mac commercials.

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The Daily Memo - 10/9/08

check.jpgNothing will get a 3L hired at a law firm like pimping herself out on Craigslist. (Above the Law)

check.jpgJudge Kozinski is facing a new complaint from the lawyer who busted the Koz for having porn on his website. (Law.com)

check.jpgNothing will get you a job at Dunkin’ Donuts like robbing the place. (CBS3)

check.jpgTrying to kill your mother to help fund your girlfriend’s breast implants is a plan destined for success. (AP)

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Not Everyone is Handling the News Like the Dolphin, However…

lapdancedd.jpgThe New York Times Blog reported last night that, while “My Super Sweet 16” parties may end up a footnote to the Wikipedia entry on Nero’s concert while Rome was burning, a certain amount of hedonism is surviving the “downturn.” While most business in NYC are beginning to take a hit, strip clubs are thriving:

“Since the market has been going down, our business has been going up - it’s unbelievable,” said Sam Zherka, the owner of the V.I.P. Club in Chelsea, who estimates that about 80 percent of his clients are Wall Street types. (You’d think the lawsuits would have dampened that, but it seems fine as long as they’re not entertaining clients on their work-related expense accounts.) Mr. Zherka added, “A lot of guys are losing their shirts in the market, and they are coming in droves.”Business is up around 20 percent, he estimated.” In fact, “A lot of people are coming in and spending $2,000 and $5,000 and $10,000,” Mr. Zherka said. “They are spending like they are making millions and millions of dollars. I don’t know if they are depressed or what.”

…Hmmm. Doesn’t sound like he’s too concerned, though, huh? That Mr. Zherka. What a guy.

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He Just Didn’t Have a Window

15169_dolphins-have-names.jpgThe U.S. Coast Guard was called Thursday after an 8-9 foot dolphin leapt out of the water and onto a boat, where it landed “right on top” of two sightseers, knocking Barbara Howard unconscious and beating Norman Hall repeatedly with its tail. Their daughter, Laura Hall, had organized the trip for her visiting parents; Laura’s boyfriend eventually pushed the dolphin over the side of the boat, and Barbara and Norman were treated in a local hospital for minor cuts and bruises.

One witness noted: “We all saw it jump right out of the water, and we’re like, ‘Oh my God, are you all right? Are you OK?’ It was like really crazy,” said David Kop, a fisherman.”I could see that they had a dolphin right on the front of the bow of their boat and it was flapping all over the place,” said John Rice, a witness.”

My theory? It appears that news of the financial crisis has reached the dolphins….

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Guilt by Association Antics Get Retarded

Here’s Sean Hannity spitting blood and foaming from the ass about Barack Obama’s associations with a known terrorist. Here’s a liberal spin doctor one-upping him, calling him an anti-Semite and threatening to lick his face. Here’s the other guy on that show saying something reasonable and putting us all to sleep with his common sense. Damn you and your common sense! At least have the decency to yell and snarl when you’re making sense. I hate you Colmes. I hate you so much I don’t even know your first name.

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Nothin’ But a G Than(g)

george-washington-picture.jpgAs if Sarah Palin’s conspicuous g-free delivery (she’s always “plannin’” and “hopin’”) over the past five weeks wasn’t enough, in Tuesday night’s debate, it appeared that John McCain had caught the fever as well. Evidently this is all part of a coordinated effort to connect with “ordinary” — meaning stupid — Americans. The Republicans have made this process into something of an art form — they heap public praise on the “main street”/”small town”/”normal” segment of the population while at the same time treating them like backward grammar-challenged racist imbeciles.

The cynicism such a “tactic” requires is breathtaking. But it only works as well as it does because of the deeply anti-intellectual stream in our culture — as much as we have deified the “founding fathers” we have failed in many ways to appreciate and honor how cultured, thoughtful and educated most of them were. So now the same people who go on and on about Franklin and Washington and Jefferson and try to inculcate nostalgia for some long-lost golden age of American hegemony find stuff like, y’know, proper pronunciation, annoying.:

“When Obama says Pock-i-stahn I have an uncontrollable urge to read the New Yorker and find some Chardonnay. Fortunately I have an old copy of NR and a Coors Light to snap me back to reality. Seriously though — no one in flyover country says Pock-i-stahn. It’s annoying.” [E-mail posted by Kathryn Jean Lopez]

I swear. I’m goin’ to do some chokin’.

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The Daily Memo - 10/9/08

check.jpgCome on man. We all know it ain’t the black turnout and street money issues in Philly that’ll decide whether Obama or McCain gets PA, it’ll be how many Pennsyltucky racists show up to vote. (Salon.com)

check.jpgThere there, little fearful associates. BigLaw will be ok. (Law.com)

check.jpgFuck! This is the book Dustin and I totally should’ve written. (Legal Antics)

check.jpgJesus … McCain is getting into trouble again for using a song. (Prefix Magazine)

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Skeet skeet!

lil-john.jpgDustin and I have talked before about the shows we were in back in our law school days — thank the lord YouTube weren’t around back then. Anyways, for part of a terrible skit in one of our shows, myself and three others wrote a “rap” about joint and several liability. Off of the album Unreasonable Diggity, it went something like this:

Once upon a time, there was a harm.
But it wasn’t me.
Oh wait, it was me. But it was you too — fitty percent!
Oh shit, I think I screwed that one up.
Is that the one with the joint and several shit?

Sadly, that was the highlight of that skit. I’m not even kidding — skit was awwwwwful.

Anyway, as a result of this, I’m not at all surprised by a rap about the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure. Doesn’t make the rap better, mind you. I’m just saying.

(And a hat tip to Above the Law on this, not just for finding the video, but for their excellent post title:
To The Window; To The Wall; Till The Sweat Drips Down My Boalt?)

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Whatever man, “your day in court” is way overrated anyways

gavel-thumb.jpgSo uhm, not sure if you’ve heard, but the economy is kinda fucked.

And now it’s taking a bite out of crime, as it were, as criminal defendants in Maryland could see themselves going free without a trial. See, folks are entitled to lawyers and if you can’t afford one, you get a public defender. You’ve heard this spiel on TV procedurals a ton of times. Anyway, in Maryland, there used to be an arrangement so that outside attorneys would come in to represent folks in multiple-defendant cases. But the funding for that program is dry. So now, the public defender’s office is saying it may not be able to appoint individual defenders where there are multiple defendants requesting separate attorneys (and pro bono representation can only do so much).

One possible result of this would be dismissal, because of that whole guaranteed lawyer shit.

Here’s what I don’t get. If Congress can pass some shitty bailout legislation and garbage like the Patriot Act when faced with crisis, why not combine the two, and just pass an amendment killing the constitutional right to counsel. Problem solved!

(Thanks to reader Amanda H. for pointing out this story.)


Today in Presidential Polling

NEWSWEEK cover on Sarah Palin (Small).jpgIf you’re an Obama fan, I’ve either got decent news for you, or great news, depending on who you ask. If you ask Reuters/Zogby, Barack Obama has a two-point lead, nationally. 47-45. If you ask Gallup, however, Obama has an 11 point lead, 52 - 41, or his largest lead of the campaign.

What does this tell us? I dunno. But 538.com says that Obama has a 90 percent chance of winning. But it also says that daily tracking polls are moving toward McCain. So, hmmm. What’s the take home?

Beats me. But lookie here: Fox News is pissed because Newsweek neglected to airbrush Sarah Palin’s magazine cover.

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Unfunny Movie Bombs Because of those Goddamn Liberals

anamericancarol_galleryposter.jpgI got a little nasty today over on Pajiba, after having to suffer through David Zucker’s right-wing nutjob “comedy” An American Carol, which may be one of the worst films I’ve ever had the displeasure to sit through. Not just because it was a series of GOP talking points, but because the movie was god-awful unfunny. I linked to this in the review, but it’s worth noting here that, rather than accept the fact Zucker’s movie blows (it is currently at 15 percent over on Rotten Tomatoes, which is obviously full of lefty crazies), some on the right are blaming the theaters for the film’s disastrous box-office performance. It debuted at number nine, with $3.6 million over the weekend, despite the fact that there marketing strategy was to appeal to people’s patriotism. Because, you know, obviously buying a ticket to An American Carol is akin to supporting the troops. And America.

Anyway, Newsbusters.com (which keeps tabs on liberal bias in the media) reported the following:

An American Carol debuted this past weekend and there have been some disturbing reports that ticket sales for the film have been fraudulently credited to other films in cineaplexes all across the country. The rumors are so persistent that the American Carol folks have added a section to their website for movie-goers to report the fraud. The filmmakers are reporting that at least 10 theaters are being investigated for this fraudulent practice.

For my part, I was given the correct ticket (though, I should’ve bought one to a different movie and snuck into An American Carol, because I feel kind of dirty for having supported it, even if I did review it negatively). However, there was only one other person in the theater, and I’m guessing he was a conservative. But even he left before I did (I made it until the last five minutes or so, but I just couldn’t stomach it any more).

Anyway, for additional laughs, check out the comments section on the linked post. These folks sound worse than the liberal wackjobs in 2004 who blamed Kerry’s defeat on Diebold instead of the candidate, who was about as charming and charismatic as An American Carol was funny.


Best Freudian Slip Ever

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Where Do You Even Buy a T-shirt Like That?

1007081beer1.jpgHere’s an incredibly depressing AP report on a van crash in Tennessee over the weekend. The van was being driven by a ten-year old who was driving over 90MPH at the time of the crash:

His passengers were two other young children, along with two adults who had been drinking and taking pills. A sheriff’s official says authorities arrived on the scene to find a woman trying to swallow as many pills as she could and a man who reported drinking at least 15 beers. A photo released by the sheriff’s office shows the man wearing a T-shirt saying, “Buy this dad a beer.” After the crash, everyone in the van was taken to a hospital for treatment of minor injuries. Authorities says the children — two 10-year-olds and a 6-year-old — were believed to be related to the adults. The children have been placed in state care. The adults are facing multiple charges.

With a Dad like that, perhaps it’s the kid who needs a beer.

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The Daily Memo - 10/8/08

check.jpgDamn it — new polls show that the fucking ban on gay marriage here in Cali may pass. Fucking homophobes. (LA Times Blog)

check.jpgReally John? Obama is “that one?” Really? (The Huffington Post)

check.jpgThe lawsuit from the San Diego firefighters who are a-scared of the gays ended in a mistrial. (Above the Law)

check.jpgThe Supremes will be hearing a big case about the FCC’s fine swearing on Election Day of all days. (Gizmodo)

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Bitter Old Bitch Hates “That One” So Much, He Outsources Hand-Shaking Duties to “C*nt” Cindy McCain

It was a pretty dull debate, actually. Mostly, Obama and McCain repeated what they said in the first debate, and the questions and answers were fairly similar. Everyone gives Obama the nod on this debate, and if you watched the CNN line squiggly thing, it was apparent most of the time who was winning, even before the snap polls were released.

Anyway, by the night’s end, there were only two highlights, and neither had anything to do with substance. McCain called Obama “that one” (which is not so much racists as it is out of touch — it’s something my Granny would say) and then, at the end of the debate, basically refused to shake hands, offering up Cindy in his stead. And, really, at the end of the day, those were the only moments that stuck out.


Uncle Sam is unimpressed

UncleSamasdf-thumb.gifJose Perez is a brilliant man. He was cruising down the street one early evening, just listening to some tunes. Trouble is, he was listening to them a tad too loud. The cops flagged him down, and Perez pulled into an apartment parking lot. And immediately took off like a bat out of hell.

The cops eventually caught him, and figured out he fled because he had a stolen gun in that car.

But that’s not the bad part.

When he was arrested, Perez gave him false name.

But that’s not the bad part either.

Nah, the bad part, for Perez, is that he’s actually a deported felon with an outstanding warrant.

I suspect Uncle Sam will be throwing Jose out once again. And Jose, the next time you sneak back into the country, you might want to keep your tunes a little less conspicuous, you know?


Well that’s one way to avoid having the jury find you guilty

wrist-bandage.jpgThirty-four-year-old Carlos Molina was recently sitting in a Florida court house, facing charges for armed robbery. I’m speculating here, but I think that that Molina’s trial must not have been going very well. Because otherwise, I’m not sure why he would’ve sliced his wrist in open court.

Authorities say the defendant arrived at the courthouse in shackles with jail-issued clothing. Under standard procedure, he was allowed to change clothes and was patted down before entering the courtroom. It is unclear how Molina was able to get the razor in the building.

How’d he get the razor in the building? Uhm, because we’re talking about Florida. I mean, that answer’s as plain as the nose on your face.

(Molina, meanwhile, got a mistrial and will have to go through the whole ordeal again.)

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Because Sometimes, Smug Just Feels So Good

Keith Olbermann’s offers up another special comment.

Topic: Sarah Palin.

Degree of Smug: 8.5.

Pwn Rating: 9.

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That Crazy Sure is Contagious

voodoo-j-avatar424x424.jpgHere’s a political story that doesn’t involve Sarah Palin, though if the polls keep trending the way they are, I can see the McCain campaign pulling this sort of stunt:

Death rituals. A voodoo priestess. A cancer-causing curse. A Cobb County Police report details the lengths Cobb Commissioner Annette Kesting allegedly was willing to go to get even with her political rival.
Kesting wrote $3,000 in bad checks, allegedly for the services of a “high priestess of voodoo” to prepare an untimely demise for commissioner candidate Woody Thompson. Kesting wanted the priestess, identified by authorities as George Ann Mills of Blythewood, S.C., to cause Thompson to “catch cancer” or “have a car accident” according to a police report obtained by WSB-TV.
“It is very bizarre,” said Thompson, who soundly defeated Kesting in a runoff earlier this year. “I find it almost hard to believe.”

I love it. How do you catch cancer, anyway?

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Corsets are for Idiots

shapeimage_2.jpgThe good, wholesome fun of the Renaissance Festival in Maryland ended poorly for a twentysomething couple over the weekend. When a 21-year-old woman “taunted” her boyfriend with a wild snake, they both were bitten and had to be rushed to the hospital.

Ten bucks says the snake just wanted to make her stop saying “Seeerpent” in that annoying fake British accent

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The Daily Memo - 10/7/08

check.jpgThe Supremes started the new term with a pack of smokes. (Law.com)

check.jpgThe cops shoot a man who won’t stop driving his car with his girlfriend on the roof. Says the girlfriend later: “I didn’t want him to leave … so I jumped on the car to try and stop him and it just backfired.” You think? (WHTM)

check.jpgHillary’s pimping it out for Barack. (USA Today)

check.jpgWanna delay your stabby-stabby murder trial? Just get a marker and draw on yourself in open court. (MY SA)

check.jpgLook — if cops can’t fix tickets in exchange for sex, what’s the point of even being an officer of the law? (SignOnSanDiego)


Not the funniest thing on the YouTube…

…but it’ll do, pig. It’ll do.

(Hat tip to reader J.C.)

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The Constitutional Impact of the Election

chemerinsky.jpgAlmost all lawyers know the name Erwin Chemerinsky. That’s because almost all lawyers prepare for the bar by taking classes with BarBri, and they therefore all wind up seeing a six-hour lecture by Chemerinsky, done entirely from memory, which is basically everything you need to know about con law. It’s pretty impressive. Dude is smart, I’m saying.

So when he writes an article about the major impact the upcoming election could have on the make-up of the Supreme Court I, for one, pay attention. It boils down to this:

As a result of its current makeup, however, the Supreme Court is likely to tilt only in one direction after this year. Simply put, the November election may well determine whether the court becomes significantly more conservative or its ideological balance remains roughly the same. And a McCain-shaped Supreme Court, pushed farther to the right, could have dramatic and long-lasting consequences for the rights of Americans.
Even if Obama wins the election, it is far less likely that the Supreme Court will become more liberal in the near term. This is because any vacancies on the court between Jan. 20, 2009, and Jan. 20, 2013, are likely to come among the three most liberal justices. John Paul Stevens is 88 years old. Although he is in good health, it seems unlikely that he will still be on the court at age 93 in 2013. Ruth Bader Ginsburg is 75. Perhaps because she is frail in appearance there is always speculation that she might step down. There is a widely circulated rumor that David Souter (now 69) wants to retire and go home to New Hampshire.

Because I’m a liberal, I generally prefer the liberal justices to the conservatives. But frankly, I wouldn’t want an entirely liberal bench. There is much to be said for a properly weighted bench that has voices covering the spectrum. But the notion of the Supremes getting more conservative, and the fact that it would likely keep that conservative bend for quite some time … well that scares the crap outta me.

Anyway, for those of you trying to educate yourself about this election, Chemerinsky’s article makes for a good read.

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Hey, at least one of the cars is a Prius

mccain-obama-cars-houses.jpg

(Hat tip to Coffee from a Cardboard Cup)

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David Letterman: “It’s not a time for beginners”

I’ve been watching David Letterman most of my life — it’s how I start most mornings. He’s actually a personal hero of mine, even as his edges have been smoothed out by age and the 11:30 spot. And up until recently, Letterman honestly has rarely exhibited any political preferences. There have been times, in fact, when I was convinced he was a Republican, and other times when I couldn’t quite tell (he seems to have an off-the-charts respect for the military). Mostly, I think, Letterman — a registered Independent — bases his vote and his preferences on who he thinks is best for the country. Period. And, for the most part, he keeps that to himself (although his disdain for Bill O’Reilly is well known, and he’s nearly as disgusted with Olbermann).

But over the past couple of weeks — since McCain stood Dave up in favor of Katie Couric — Letterman has allowed his politics to seep into his show. He’s not exactly pimping Obama or anything, but he seems genuinely irritated with McCain and just plain pissed off about Palin. Most of the time, his rancor is limited to his monologues and the gags, but on Friday, he interviewed Brian Williams, and during that interview, Letterman really, really exhibited his distaste for what’s going on. Maybe it’s just me, but I think it says a lot about what’s going on in this campaign that Letterman has revealed his allegiances.

Anyway, the interview is enlightening. And Brian Williams is, as always, absolutely great.

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McCain Will Steal Your Babies, but Terrorist Obama will Eat Them

The hard-core character attacks have begun, which I suppose was inevitable, particularly as McCain slipped in the polls. I didn’t expect the McCain campaign to go as low as it did over the weekend, though, suggesting that Obama — who once served on a board with William Ayers, who was engaged in that hippy violence back when Obama was 8 years old — was palling around with terrorists. Give me a fucking break, dude.

But of course, the networks and CNN — desperate themselves to create some new drama now that the bailout drama has passed — has picked it up and run with it. By the time the network news rolls around tonight, it’ll be the top story. Brian Williams, et. al., will report that it’s not particularly accurate, but they’ll report it all the same.

Fortunately, it looks like Obama isn’t going to sit there and take it, like Kerry did. He’s had a magic bullet up his sleeve for months, and I suspect he was wary of using it, but was saving it just in case McCain starting attacking indiscriminately like a wounded pit bull.

The Keating Five, y’all. Yeah. He went there. And expect him to keep going there, as long as McCain/Palin continue to throw the kitchen sink.

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I’ll take “The Rapists” for $200…

reuters-waterboard.jpgDespite the fact that reality is looking increasingly grim these days, Americans seemingly can’t get enough of “reality” television. We import many of these shows - from “Big Brother” to the jaw-achingly inane “Hole in the Wall,” but here’s one I hope stays on the other side of the pond: According to the Daily Mail, “Unbreakable,” a reality series debuting this week on British TV, boasts the motto, “Pain is Glory, Pain is Pride, Pain is Great to Watch.”

The show will feature contests in which, among other things, participants contend with piranhas, get buried alive and experience “waterboarding.” As you might imagine, contestants were a little worse for wear: “One of the volunteers was so traumatised they had convulsions on the first day of filming. Another ran away into the African bush and had to be found with tracker dogs.” And those Project Runway kids bitch about the pressure! While the Bush administration continues to deny that waterboarding is torture, like the rest of the world, the British do classify it as such, and several MP’s are already investigating the show.


The Daily Memo - 10/6/08

check.jpgGreat googly moogly - Blawg Review #180 is a hefty sumbitch. (Law Pundit)

check.jpgAt the bar I was at Friday night, the OJ verdict actually got a bigger cheer than anything that happened in the baseball games that were on earlier in the night. (Above the Law)

check.jpgWhere are the women blawgers at? (Law.com)

check.jpgThe Supremes are going to look at whether a bad database entry means resulting police searches are unconstitutional. (Wired Blogs)

check.jpgFolks in Michigan are very close to being able to hook themselves up with out-of-state wine shipments. (Law.com)

check.jpgI won’t judge McCain for loving to gamble, but I’ll definitely judge him for cheating on his taxes. (The Huffington Post)


Sarah Palin is a Fucking Bitch

palin-alaska-magazine.jpg

In the video below, Palin basically invites the media to attack her. Happy to oblige.

At a rally here in Cali this past weekend, the woman who plans to shatter ceilings quoted Madelin Albright by saying that “there’s a place in hell reserved for women who don’t support other women.”

Except that the quote is actually about women “helping” other women, not supporting.

So yeah, ladies. You don’t have a choice. If you don’t vote for McCain/Palin, you’re going. to. hell.

To all those who still think “oh she’s so cute and sweet and just dosh garn folksy,” her performance at the debate, her willful ignorance in the Couric interviews, this bullshit … it should make you realize that she’s manipulative and knows exactly what she’s doing. And what she’s doing is bad, people.

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This SNL video may have been inevitable…

…but that don’t make it any less amusing. I could watch Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin all day doncha’ know.

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Wherefore art the new President?

Stephen Colbert, I kinda want to marry you.

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Larry Flynt has his finger on the pulse. Wait a minute, that’s not her pulse!

080904_palin_simon.jpgRemember that Craigslist ad seeking a Sarah Palin lookalike for a porn. Well it’s full porn ahead, as Larry Flynt’s Hustler Video is shooting “Nailin’ Paylin” with a plan to release it before the election. According to The Huffington Post:

The faux Sarah is Lisa Ann, who “will be nailing the Russians who come knocking on her back-door.” In another scene — a flashback — “young Paylin’s creationist college professor will explain a ‘big bang’ theory even she can’t deny!”
There’s also a threeway with Hillary and Condoleezza look-alikes…. Nina Hartley, 49, has been cast as Hillary Clinton.

Well isn’t that special?

(Hat tip to reader Dylan.)


The things we’ll do just to get that little sticker

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Man Unable to Blow Load Blows Arm Off Instead

genthum.jpgSeriously: What’s the worst you ever overreacted when your loved one wouldn’t put out? I bet you can’t beat this guy, who shot his own arm.

The Lee County Sheriff’s Office reports that 29-year-old Jonathon Guabello and his girlfriend returned home from a bar early Wednesday morning. The girlfriend told deputies that Guabello had wanted to get intimate, but she wanted to go to sleep.
When Guabello became irate, authorities say the girlfriend went to a spare bedroom, and several minutes later she heard two gunshots. She told deputies Guabello came into her room and threatened her. He then stumbled into the kitchen and knocked himself unconscious.

Well, that’ll show her! That’s a brilliant strategy, dude: If you lived in a Cronenberg flick.

Next time, aim lower.

Oh yeah: Florida.

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Last Night’s Best Moment

I’ll just say this about the debate, because it looks like the bailout will dominate the political scene today, and Palin and Biden will likely be complete non-factors for the rest of the election: I wasn’t nearly as surprised that Palin didn’t drool over herself and fling feces as I was that Joe Biden didn’t fuck it up. I wasn’t nearly as worried about Palin overperforming as I was Biden underperforming, and Biden was … well, he was better than Obama was in the first debate. He had what I thought was an impossible task, and he had more restraint than seemed possible. There were moments when I would’ve walked across the stage, grabbed her by the shoulders, and begged her to answer the goddamn question she was asked. Just once, lady. And every time she started talking about Alaska, it sounded like a woman who was using her experience as a babysitter in a job interview for a forklift operator.

I’m also pretty annoyed that, because of the expectations game, the pundits talked more about the ways that Palin did not fuck up than the many more ways in which she did. Did anyone listen to her talk about climate change? She just kept repeating the word “impact” and “tapped” while giving that goddamn wink of hers. I bet there were a lot of middle-American housewives looking over at their husbands and asking, “What the hell are you smiling at, Joe Six Pack.” Still, I’m less bothered by her rambling incoherence than I was that she wouldn’t answer the fucking questions.

It’s good to know she supports the Democrats position on same-sex benefits, though.

The best perspective I’ve read, actually, comes from a Pajiba reader in The Netherlands, who wrote on her blog, after Palin refused to answer the question on her Achilles heel (not sure she knows what it means):

Now how is that answering the question in any way, shape or form? It’s not! But the problem is her job tonight was not to answer the questions to the best of her abilities, as is a reasonable expectation from a potential vice president. Her job was not to embarrass herself too much (as she has done over the past few weeks) and especially not to think for herself. The bar was lowered considerably for her, and as I’m watching the post debate discourse, she is being judged on that level. It’s infuriating! Any reasonable mind would find Joe Biden the uncontested winner of this debate, but that is not what counts. Because this election is not going to be decided by reasonable minds, it’s going to be decided by people who ‘feel’ that Palin is genuine (a laughable thought, I haven’t seen a shark this big since I went cage diving in South Africa), who ‘feel’ (shiver) that she is just like them. There is nothing more I can add to that discussion because many have stated my point earlier, more eloquent than I would have, and ad nauseum, so let me just say that it scares the bejeezus out of me.

Well fucking said.

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I Knew It! I Knew It! (Part II)

fantasy_football_07-03.jpgFantasy football stereotypes are true!

A 35-year-old man was arrested Monday morning after he allegedly became upset over points in his Fantasy Football league and threatened to kill his roommate.
According to a report from the Charlotte County Sheriff’s Office, Chester Marcial “Chet” Ward, of the 4500 block of Duncan Road in Punta Gorda, allegedly sliced pages in the book his roommate was reading before holding a knife to his roommate’s neck and threatening to kill him.
The report stated the roommate, who “was in fear of his life,” went to a neighbor’s home and called 911.
When deputies arrived, Ward admitted to being upset over points from his fantasy football league and that he asked his roommate to move out of the residence. Because the roommate was ignoring him, Ward told the deputies that he pulled out his knife and cut the book as a joke.

This is not funny; fantasy football is serious business. If somebody stiffs you points, they deserve to die.


I Knew It! I Knew It!

comicbookguysquare.jpgComic-book stereotypes are true!

A Japanese woman addicted to comics reportedly turned to the Internet to look for someone to kill her parents, after they asked her to clear out her cartoon-filled room.
News reports say the 36-year-old woman - who is unemployed and lives at home - filled up three rooms with several thousand comic books and videotapes she had collected with an allowance her grandmother sent her.
She reportedly became angry after her parents told her to throw away some of her comic books to make space for her sister who was planning to move in.
The reports say she posted a message on the Internet asking for someone to kill her mother, who manages a bar in Tokyo, and her father.

36-years-old! Addicted to comic books. Ha! Lives with her parents. Yes! Unemployed. Definitely! Bought with allowance from Grandma! He he!

I bet her room is in the basement. And I bet she loves Doritos!

Seriously, though: I’ve never heard of a comic-book addict. Addict?

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Today in C*nt Punditry

baby-crying-full.jpgFrom your very own GOP candidate for the President of the United States:

Sen. John McCain said Thursday that Sen. Barack Obama’s poll numbers are rising as the economy seems to sink “because life isn’t fair.”
“He certainly did nothing for the first few days,” McCain said Thursday on Fox News. “I suspended my campaign, took our ads down, came back to Washington, met with the House folks and got on the phone, and also had face-to-face meetings.”

Oh, waaaaaaaaaaaah! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Life sucks, then you die. Hopefully not while in office, if Sarah Palin is your running mate.

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Moooooooove outta my way cause I gotta catch them kids!

cow-mugshot.jpgWell here’s something you don’t see everyday.

It’s one thing to talk about a woman hanging out in a cow suit.

It’s another to talk about that same woman taking a leak on her neighbor’s porch. While still wearing the cow suit.

And that’s not even what led to this mugshot. Yes, the cops were called. But they simply asked her to kindly go home, thank you very much.

She got arrested when the cops were called again, a few hours later, to find her blocking traffic in the middle of the street while she was chasing terrified kids around.

Shockingly, she may have been drunk.

(Hat tip: Above the Law)


Predicting tonight’s VP debate

It’s gonna be a … what’s the word I’m looking for?

Oh, that’s right:

trainwreck.jpg

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The Daily Memo - 10/2/08

check.jpgNancy Pelosi loves her husband so much that she gives him a bunch of money from her political action committee, even though she supported legislation against just such shenanigans. Hypocrisy much? (The Washington Times)

check.jpgSchnikey! $4.3 million in sanctions is quite a slap on the wrist. (Law.com)

check.jpgIf I’m ever tossed in the clink, I sure as hell hope my defense attorney goes the extra mile by smuggling a cell phone, a cell phone charger and some heroin into jail for me. (AZfamily.com)

check.jpgNow that’s a one man fucking crime spree! (Pasadena Star-News)

check.jpgIt’s hard out there for a Stanford law grad, you know? And if she’s gotta pay her loans off with some prostitution, well what’s that to you? (Law.com)


And the hits just keep on comin’!

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Maybe they’re for a really big Tupperware party?

TupperwareParty.jpgHey, folks. Been a while since you saw the usually-absent non-lawyer around these parts huh?

Yeah, well I am working on that. Meanwhile, there is like, a crapload of plastic coffins just sitting outside of Atlanta? And they are kinda freaking people out. And nobody is really talking about them.

Now, I am not one for conspiracy theories and the like, but it is kinda weird that all these coffins are just sitting there. And not just here. There are sightings outside at least three other cities.

In case you think they aren’t really coffins, here is a link to the manufacturer’s website. And here is video of the coffins themselves:

Yeeeaaaah. That isn’t really kosher with me, ya know? Living here and all?

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Drunks say the darndest things

coke.jpgSo a state trooper pulls a swerving car over at 2 a.m. Driver be drunk. Blood-alcohol level 0.22 drunk.

Trooper ask for ID. Drunk man pulls out wallet. Trooper examines driver’s license. White powder falls out of a crumpled $100 bill in drunk man’s wallet.

Trooper notices.

“What is that?”

“That’s cocaine. I buy the cocaine for the prostitutes. But I only use the cocaine when I’m with the prostitutes so, you know, s’all good.”

“And when did you last do some blow?”

“Oh. Well I was with a prostitute tonight.”

Fail. Jail.


Utah Bans Fruity Drinks

119-news-seagrams.jpgUtah’s Mormon-backed legislature has banned fruity alcohol drinks:

Utah’s supply of flavored malt beverages will likely be exhausted in a few weeks as manufacturers decide whether to comply with labeling rules intended to make it clear the products contain alcohol.
Utah has some of the strictest liquor laws in the country, a byproduct of its large Mormon population. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints counsels members not to drink alcohol, and the church is highly influential among state lawmakers on alcohol policy.
On Wednesday, Utah will be the only state to ban the sale of fruity alcoholic drinks at grocery stores and convenience stores in an effort to keep them from minors. Those drinks also must have new state-approved labels on the front of the product that contain capitalized letters in bold type telling consumers the drinks contain alcohol and at what percentage.

Actually, I agree with Utah’s ban. But not because I disapprove of alcohol geared toward minors, but because fruity drinks suck. Seriously: Mike’s Hard Lemonade? Give me a break. On the other hand, if you see a guy with Smirnoff’s Ice or Seagram’s Fuzzy Navel, you know exactly who to beat up before the night is over.

I’ll admit, though, back in college, there was a Grape Soda alcoholic beverage that came in two-liter bottles (the name escapes me) that I loved. God, it was good.

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It’s not like we’re talking about “I’m a Little Teacup” here or anything…

black-sheep.jpgOver in the UK, poor Gino Lee Breeze has been sentenced to three years in the clink for assault. Just because he asked a guy to sing “Baa Baa Black Sheep.”

Well ok. So maybe he broke into the guys house and demanded the man sing the song at knife point. The day after having made the man, uhm, lick Breeze’s feet.

I’ll tell ya’, I just don’t get British humor.


Adolescents Drinking the Obama Kool-Aid

Is this some sick joke? A bunch of kids, no doubt brainwashed by the DNC, have been forced probably against their will to sing unicorn songs about Barack Obama and hope and change. They are practically shitting rainbows.

Why does Barack Obama want to make all our children gay? Poor damn kids don’t even realize that, by the time they’re old enough to vote, there won’t be a United States left. The homosexuals will have taken over. It’ll be the United Gays of America and the right to a heterosexual marriage will be denied. Unless you’re into butt secks. Then yay! Free health care for you!

Seriously: Somebody sign these kids up for the NRA before it’s too late.

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The Daily Memo - 10/1/08

check.jpgWith all the financial system collapse business, I didn’t even know they appointed a special prosecutor to look into the US Attorney firing debacle. (Slate)

check.jpgA court in India decided to split the baby regarding Mattel’s Scrabulous lawsuit. (Likelihood of Confusion)

check.jpgAnd in the states, Mattel is trying to get an injunction against the Bratz dolls. (Law.com)

check.jpgShit, California — why you gotta rub it in my face that when I get my Carl’s Jr Six-Dollar-Burger I’m eating enough calories to feed a small nation? (Nota Bene)

check.jpgWhatever with the financial problems of our country … the Large Hadron Collider lawsuit has been thrown out. The end is nigh! (Above the Law)

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Obama Might Just Win this Goddamn Election

obama4.jpgThere’s a ton of good news out there if you’re an Obama supporter. The national polls show Obama is up anywhere from 2 to 10 points, depending on which poll you look at. A poll of polls puts Obama up by 5 points. And, according to some guy I saw on Olbermann’s show last night, only one candidate in the last 40 years or so has recovered from a 5 point deficit this late in an election: Ronald Reagan, in 1980. Of course, McCain ain’t no Reagan, and Obama ain’t no Carter. The guy on Olbermann’s show also had Obama up 320 to 207 in the electoral college, which certainly seems like a very difficult obstacle to overcome for McCain, particularly since he keeps sticking his foot in his mouth and his running mate probably hasn’t even hit rock bottom yet.

Perhaps most encouraging are polls from the major battleground states. Quinnapac polls put Obama up 51-43 in Florida; 50 - 42 in Ohio; and 54-39 in racist Pennsylvania. No candidate has ever one the election without winning at least two of those states. What does that mean?

There’ll be at least two more Hail Mary passes by the McCain campaign before it’s over. That’s my uneducated guess. And one of those Hail Mary passes, I still maintain, will be replacing Palin on the ticket.

And speaking of Palin, she made a few more gaffes last night during her interview with Katie Couric that I’m sure most of you have already seen. Aside from the fact that she couldn’t name one publication that she reads (I mean, seriously? She couldn’t even offer up People? She’s been on the cover!), or the fact that she clearly had no idea what a morning-after pill was, or that she thought homosexuality was a choice, I think the thing that unnerved me the most was the “I have a gay friend” line. Really? She used that line? I thought only racists trying to disprove their racism used the “I have a _____ friend” line. That’s just pathetic. Just pathetic.

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These pretzels are making me thirsty!

water-bottles.jpgMichael Gordon Fernandes has been arrested because he and an unknown man stole some water.

Five truckloads of the stuff.

Seems the duo snatched five trucks of bottled water from a shipping center over the course of a month-and-a-half, amounting to a worth of fifty grand. Fernandes, who worked at the warehouse, said he was paid $500 per shipment for helping out with

And … well, I got nothing else. This story just reminded me of the great “Seinfeld” line and I wanted to write this post to use it as an entry title. And so I have.

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Oh for fuck’s sake…

Yesterday morning, McCain said that he might suspend his campaign again because of our financial woes. It wasn’t a political stunt then, and it wouldn’t be this time. No sir. It’s all because Obama wants to tax our unborn children.

Fuck you, grandpa.

(Hat tip: The Huffington Post)

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