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Monthly Archives: January 2009
The Best Praaaaaaank Ever?
Take that, MIT and Cal Tech. You’ve just been outpranked:
Someone reprogrammed two city construction road signs near the University of Texas early Monday morning in an attempt to warn Austin of an imminent zombie attack.
Messages that typically alert Lamar Boulevard drivers to a detour for Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard splashed several warnings like “Caution! Zombies Ahead!” and “Nazi Zombies! Run!!!”
Jones, who has one of only two keys to the locked access panels on the portable signs, said that the hacker broke into the panels on each sign and bypassed the passwords before leaving five different zombie messages and even changing one of the passwords. Jones said he had to wait until 8 a.m. to call the manufacturing company to figure out how to override the hacker’s work. He speculated that the hacker could be a computer genius from UT.
No zombies have been seen in the area, and with any luck, Tuesday night’s cold front killed off any undead with ghoulish plans to invade the city.
“It’s a pretty childish prank,” he said.
Childish prank? Childish Prank? That’s just a fire drill, folks. Some industrious computer programmer was just looking out for Austin’s best interests. Now, when the actual zombies arrive, they’ll be that much more prepared for it.
(H/T to Aprile)
Woman Rapes Man How?
You don’t read too often about women sexually assaulting men, but this one — compliments of The Smoking Gun — is weird, not just for the act, but for the … method:
Meet Janice McCarl. The Colorado woman, 53, was arrested last night for allegedly sexually assaulting a male friend late last year. McCarl was booked into jail on a felony charge of suspicion of sexual assault. According to a police report, a copy of which you’ll find here, the victim, 50, told investigators that he invited McCarl to a barbecue at his home last November. Following the barbecue, the man contends that he passed out and awoke to find McCarl molesting him. The man, who believes that he was somehow drugged by McCarl, told police that she “had her hands…in his ass.”
Woah! Woah! Woah! That’s not the way you want to wake up, folks. With a woman’s hand … in your ass.
Hey. That reminds me:
Oranges Are Apparently More Dangerous than I Thought
The next time the terrorists want to attack the United States, they might want to trade in their dirty bombs for a few oranges. Deadly stuff, you know:
Two Marion County boys are facing felony charges after reportedly throwing oranges at a patrol car.
The boys, ages 15 and 17, were charged with throwing deadly missiles after Tuesday’s incident and were taken to a juvenile facility.
Deputies said one boy told authorities that they decided to throw the oranges at cars because they were bored. The boy said the stopped sheriff’s office patrol car was the only vehicle that they hit with the fruit.
Felony charges, huh? For throwing oranges. It’s a good thing they weren’t grapefruits — they might have gotten the death penalty.
This Is Why I Don’t Send Food Back
I don’t care how bad it is, or how screwed up an order, I’ll almost always accept what is given me at a restaurant and shut the hell up, knowing that sending something back or complaining is never going to have a positive result, even if you don’t realize your ingesting a cook’s saliva. Cooks are very defensive people. Of course, it rarely gets this bad:
Flagler County authorities say a restaurant owner pistol-whipped and beat a customer who complained that his takeout order was incorrect.
Joseph Milano, the owner of Goomba’s Pizzeria, has been charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and released on bail.
According to a police report, security footage from the pizzeria shows that Milano struck Richard Phinney with a gun. He then jumped over a counter and started to assault Phinney and his roommate.
Phinney was at the pizzeria to collect a refund for a calzone, which he said was prepared incorrectly. He was taken to a hospital after the incident with a bloodied head.
If the guy says you’re calzone was prepared correctly, just take him at his word. It’s a lot easier for everyone, and it’ll save you a trip to the hospital.
(H/T branded)
Monkeys Aren’t the Only Ones That Can Fling Crap
What’s the easiest way to get yourself a mistrial? Smear shit on your attorney and then fling it at the jury.
Yeah. Literally.
A San Diego judge has declared a mistrial in a kidnapping and assault case after the defendant smeared excrement on his lawyer’s face and threw it at jurors. The judge boosted defendant Weusi McGowan’s bail from $250,000 to $1 million after the Monday incident.
Prosecutor Christopher Lawson says McGowan was upset because the judge refused to remove public defender Jeffrey Martin from the case.
McGowan had smuggled a bag of feces into court and spread it on Martin’s hair and face before flinging the excrement at jurors. No jurors were hit.
What a shitstorm. I bet he got himself a new lawyer, too. And probably a couple of more charges against him. Small price, really.
Rocky raccoon pulls a Bobbit
Who in the hell gets turned on by a raccoon? And if you are actually sick enough to try and rape one, you’d think you’d want to take some safety precautions. Teeth wise. So it won’t, oh I don’t know, BITE IT OFF!
Nope, not this guy …
“Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with pals when he leapt on the terrified - but toothy - fur ball. “When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned casualty surgeons in Moscow. Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood. “He’s been told they can get things working again but they can’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off,” said a pal. “That’s gone forever so there isn’t going to be much for them to work with.”
I don’t have a penis, but I’m pretty sure that if I did, I’d never stick it in a raccoon. Or a garbage disposal. Or a wood chipper. Basically not in anything that would reduce my manhood to a ravaged bloody stump. I’m just really unadventurous that way I guess.
Because the 190th Time is the Charm
How do you stay out of jail long enough to even be arrested 190 times?
Police say a 46-year-old man was arrested for the 190th time in Florida last week.
Authorities arrested Henry Farrell after he tried to carjack a man outside a Boca Raton coffee shop. Police said Farrell threatened to kill the man after he refused to give Farrell a ride.
Officer Sandra Boonenberg, a police spokeswoman, said authorities have spent years dealing with Farrell, who “lives locally and apparently likes Boca Raton.”
Let’s assume that Farrell began getting arrested when he was 18. He’s 46 now, which means that he’s arrested at a clip of something like 6.7 times per year. With a record that long, and jail sentences that — you’d imagine — would increase in length after each arrest, how does this even happen?
I guess there’s no three strikes rule in Florida.
(H/T Ranylt)
Cause this is lawsuit, lawsuit night!
Michael Jackson is being sued and this time it has nothing to do with kid piddling. Rather, director John Landis is tweaked that, for the last four years, Jackson hasn’t bothered to pony up any of the royalties for their collaborative “Thriller” video (along with the awesome documentary about the making of the video — if you’ve never seen it, you should try to catch it next time one of the VH1 spin-off channels runs it).
“After a spectacular theatrical premiere, the ‘Thriller’ video became a worldwide megahit and an iconic pop culture phemnomemon [sic] that has continued to generate profits for defendants Optimum Prods. and Michael Jackson, who have wrongfully refused to pay or account for such profits to plaintiff,” the suit said.
The action accuses Jackson of “fraudulent, malicious and oppressive conduct” in failing to pay Landis 50% of the net proceeds. The suit includes the 1983 agreement between Jackson and Landis covering the video and an hourlong documentary, which Landis also directed.
You know, somewhere in the world, there are videos of me doing the Thriller dance. Luckily, this was before YouTube, so you’ll likely never see it (hell, I don’t even have a copy). Turns out, Seth doesn’t have the requisite shoulder-shaking capability to dance like the undead. I think the problem was that I didn’t take enough Vitamin B supplements. The “B” standing for bbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaiiiiiinnnssss, of course.
Ah, zombie humor never gets old.
Where Is that Fourth Amendment? I Know I Had it Around Here Somewhere.
The Supreme Court, now apparently firmly titled to the conservative side when it comes to Fourth Amendment matters, has struck another blow against our constitution protections. The Court today ruled that passengers pulled over for a routine traffic stop can be frisked, even if police do not suspect the passenger has or is about to commit a crime.
The Supreme Court ruled Monday that police officers have leeway to frisk a passenger in a car stopped for a traffic violation even if nothing indicates the passenger has committed a crime or is about to do so.
The court on Monday unanimously overruled an Arizona appeals court that threw out evidence found during such an encounter.
The case involved a 2002 pat-down search of an Eloy, Ariz., man by an Oro Valley police officer, who found a gun and marijuana.
The justices accepted Arizona’s argument that traffic stops are inherently dangerous for police and that pat-downs are permissible when an officer has a reasonable suspicion that the passenger may be armed and dangerous.
This comes on the heels of a ruling last week, in which the Supremes ruled that the exclusionary rule does not apply when the police accidentally violate your Fourth Amendment rights. What’s most surprising about this case, however, is that it was a unanimous ruling.
All I’m saying is: If you get pulled over for running a stop light, be prepared for a cavity search.
Kind of Funny or Kind of Offensive?
I don’t know. The ladies over on Jezebel are up-in-arms over a tacky joke that former president, George H.W. Bush, told at an automobile dealer’s convention (which Bill Clinton also attended). I dunno — it’s equal parts amusing and offensive, though I’m siding slightly with the amusing side, just because it’s nice to see that Bush I has a sense of humor. Although, I don’t know how wise it is to call out a woman for being one of the “ugliest” women he’d ever seen when you’re married to Barbara Bush.
Barack Obama Wins One for Common Sense
How about that. Just hours after we criticized the contraception funding the Democrats are trying to squeeze into the new stimulus, Barack Messiah Obama, laid down a little common sense and asked the Dems to pull it.
House Democrats are likely to jettison family planning funds for the low-income from an $825 billion economic stimulus bill, officials said late Monday, following a personal appeal from President Barack Obama at a time the administration is courting Republican critics of the legislation.
Several officials said a final decision was expected on Tuesday, coinciding with Obama’s scheduled visit to the Capitol for separate meetings with House and Senate Republicans.
The provision has emerged as a point of contention among Republicans, who criticize it as an example of wasteful spending that would neither create jobs nor otherwise improve the economy.
Welcome to the new world order, folks. Democrat or Republican, you try to bring your shit into this house, and Obama is gonna eat your lunch. Or, have a nice stern word for you.
Who’s a classy broad?
Look no further, the answer’s right here!
(Courtesy of The Smoking Gun, of course)
Contraception Will Save the Economy!
So, I’m sure you’re all very aware that President Obama is trying to get a $825 billion stimulus plan enacted by Valentine’s Day, with the hope — ultimately — of creating 3 million new jobs and saving the world. I love the idea of saving the world. However, the Republicans aren’t buying into the stimulus plan, mostly because they are contrarians and want to disagree on principle, even if they know it’s probably best for the nation (I mean: It can’t hurt, right?). But, in arguing against the bill, they have scoured it and isolated a few smaller initiatives that they can use as examples to illustrate the Democrats out-of-control spending. John Boehner, the lead Republican in the house, has pinpointed two provisions, and blown them way out of proportion for effect. Not that I’m disagreeing with him, of course.
One is $200 million put toward fixing the National Mall. I got no problem with this, because a good portion of that $200 million will go toward labor costs, which employ more people, and materials, which employ people who make them. So, you get to hire a few hundred people and make the National Mall look nicer. Win win!
With the other provision, however, I can see where Boehner is coming from: House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi wants to include $200 million for contraception, supplied through the Medicaid program. Really?
Pelosi defends the funding, saying: “Well, the family planning services reduce cost. They reduce cost. The states are in terrible fiscal budget crises now and part of what we do for children’s health, education and some of those elements are to help the states meet their financial needs. One of those - one of the initiatives you mentioned, the contraception, will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government.”
So, we give poor people rubbers, there are fewer births, and the economy is saved. Hooray!
Well, some guy at the U.S. News and World Report disagrees, quoting from the book Empty Cradle, by Phil Longman:
Population aging also depresses the growth of government revenues. Population growth is a major source of economic growth: more people create more demand for the products capitalists sell, and more supply of the labor capitalists buy. Economists may be able to construct models of how economies could grow amid a shrinking population, but in the real world, it has never happened. A nation’s GDP is literally the sum of its labor force times average output per worker. Thus a decline in the number of workers implies a decline in an economy’s growth potential. When the size of the work force falls, economic growth can occur only if productivity increases enough to compensate.
So, this guy is basically saying, the more people who are born, the bigger the demand for products, and the bigger the workforce needed to create those products. Sounds logical. Of course, there will also be more people you have to employ, so it sounds like a wash to me.
But, how about this: Who the hell cares? The effectiveness, if any, of supplying contraceptives is going to be long-term anyway you look at it. Why include this in a bill we’re trying to get passed as soon as possible? Why give the G.O.P. any ammunition at all to work with, even if it only represents an small fraction of the overall costs? You could create 4,000 $50,000 a year jobs with that money. Hell, I don’t even like the idea that 40 percent of the bill is being used for tax cuts. If people are paying taxes, that means they have a job, so fuck em. Let’s use that $300 billion and fund 6 million jobs for a year, and create 6 million new taxpayers, so we at least get some of that money back in taxes.
Of course, I don’t know crap about the economy, but even my pea-sized brain understands that condoms aren’t the solution we need right now. When we’re back in the black, then the Democrats and Republicans can have an earnest debate about whether funding contraceptives is a good idea. For now, let’s just create jobs. OK?
The Least Funny Stupid Criminal of All Time
This just pisses me off, and I simply can’t imagine the inhumanity, the fucked-up, sick shit going through this dude’s head. Clearly, he is mentally unstable. And though I’m no proponent of the death penalty, this guy deserves nothing less than a fierce drawing and quartering. This Belgian fuck dressed as The Joker and went into a baby nursery and just started stabbing heads and throats:
There were 21 infants in the creche and six supervisors. All of the victims were stabbed in the throat or head. Parents gathered in the Dendermonde town hall and, with psychologists in support, identified the victims using photographs. Nine children escaped unharmed. Three of the creche’s child care workers were injured as they tried to fend off the attacker.
“There was blood everywhere, it was unbelievable, real carnage. He went straight for the babies and attacked them. The smallest ones were in their beds, they were probably asleep.”
After the attack, the man calmly left on his bicycle. Police sealed off all local schools as panic spread throughout the town.
The knifeman was pursued by a police helicopter and arrested in a nearby supermarket still in possession of the weapon used in the attack.
“You can’t imagine what we saw at that time. The babies were hurt not in the arms, not in the legs, not in the stomach, always the head or the neck. It is something you don’t forget.”
Here’s the understatement of the day:
“His nickname was Satan,” said one former schoolmate.
Yeah. No shit. Police are investigating now whether the attacks were inspired by The Joker; the attacks took place on the one-year anniversary of the death of Heath Ledger.
Also, he apparently giggled during his interrogation.
Please throw this man down a well.
F’ this guy!
There’s this fucker down in South Carolina, Robert Ford, who’s a state senator. And this sumbitch cocksucker has a bill ready for filing which would ban lewd language, to the tune of up to five fucking years in the clink and/or fines of up to five fucking grand.
That’s some shit, right?
A Monday Morning Puzzle
As I’m writing this entry on Sunday night, I’m watching the documentary Wordplay, about crossword puzzles. With apologies to Will Shortz for using a rather rudimentary puzzle form, let’s play fill-in-the-blank with this story about Elbert Duffy (the man with the finely coiffured hair looking at you from over there):
A month after he was thrown out of the city’s homeless shelter for having “sexual relations with __________________,” police say Elbert Duffy “taunted members of the public and police” at his new residence, the Brewster Street Rooming House.
Duffy, 45, is scheduled to appear in Portsmouth District Court Monday on a violation-level charge of disorderly conduct and a class A misdemeanor count of resisting arrest.
Go head, take some guesses. His wife? A homeless woman? A homeless man? Two homeless men? His dog? Somebody else’s dog? The homeless shelter’s owner? A cop?
No, no and no some more.
However, if you said “a Raggedy Ann doll,” you’re a true puzzle master!
Would They Have Done the Same If He Were Wearing an American Flag Shirt?
So, this dude who works at a Sam’s in Florida (oh, brother) got reprimanded for wearing a T-shirt with Obama’s face on it.
A Jacksonville man who chose to show his support for the new president by wearing a shirt with President Barack Obama’s picture has found himself in the middle of a T-shirt controversy.
Shane Rhiles said he wore an Obama shirt to work at a Westside Sam’s Club on Monday, but was told by a supervisor to take it off.
“Basically, she said, ‘Take the shirt off or go home,” Rhiles said.
The T-shirt pays tribute to America’s new leader with a simple portrait of Obama. However, Rhiles said something about the shirt got him in hot water at work.
He said a supervisor told him a customer didn’t like it, and she told him to change.
“I was like, ‘Is it that serious?’ She was like, ‘Yes, because we don’t need any problems.’ I was like, ‘Well he’s the 44th president of the United States of America,” Rhiles said.
For the record, there was nothing in the employee handbook prohibiting such T-shirts. And, don’t you think that, once Obama became the President, wearing a shirt with his face on it doesn’t send a partisan message as much as it sends a patriotic message. I mean: He is our President. He’s not just some dude running for office.
If, 7 years ago, a white guy was wearing a T-Shirt with Bush’s face on it, declaring his support for the President during a time of war, would he have received a complaint? Been asked to take off the shirt? It’s not politics. It’s patriotism. Right? This guy is showing support for the fucking President of the United States of America. What the hell is wrong with that?
Of course, if the same guy were wearing a T-shirt with Bush’s face on it, I’d probably fire him. Not because of the political message, but because it shows lack of good judgment. And I wouldn’t want that guy working for me.
/hypocrite
Barack and Michelle: Ouch.
Pay close attention to what this nice, lilly-white woman has to say about Barack and Michelle’s love for each other. Ummm. Methinks she might want to check the Urban Dictionary before she speaks to television audiences.
(Big H/T Deus Ex Malcontent)
Florida + Ninja = Awesome!
That headline came from reader Sean with a link to this story. Does it live up to his hype?
A ninja, or at least someone dressed like one, is lurking in the shadows of Palm Beach County.
The Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office says a heavyset man with a visible potbelly and a ninja costume unsuccessfully tried to steal two different ATMs over the past two weeks.
Security video from the automated teller machines showed the unidentified man dressed in a black ninja outfit with a hood that showed only his eyes.
Not bad, although for shame on the AP for posting this article without the video of the fat Florida ninja. I mean, come on — I’m picturing a Chris Farley looking mother fucker, with his belly hanging out of a bad Halloween store ninja costume, and it’s rocking my world. Actually, I guess the video couldn’t possibly live up to that image, so maybe the AP made the right call after all.
“Scathing Review of Bitchy Hookers?”
In Ohio, Robert McFadden has been arrested for a website he runs. Seems that McFadden’s site allowed folks to post review of hookers. The cops say that McFadden traded information about street walkers and online escorts, including a 17-year-old girl, and that he even put together a raffle that allowed folks to win a night with a gal. He’s facing a host of charges, and will surely have to give up the site.
Which means there’s now a void in the internets for the taking — Dustin, what say we start up a hooker review site? …Dustin? …Where you at, dawg?
(Hat tip to Tiddo)
Retardation is only a theory!
In Mississippi, Rep. Gary Chism is introducing a bill in attempt to include a nice little disclaimer in their high school textbooks. It has something to do with his belief that evolution is horseshit. See for yourself:
“This textbook discusses evolution, a controversial theory some scientists present as a scientific explanation for the origin of living things. No one was present when life first appeared on earth. Therefore, any statement about life’s origins should be considered a theory,” the proposal continues.
“Evolution refers to the unproven belief that random, undirected forces produced living things. There are many topics with unanswered questions about the origin of life which are not mentioned in your textbook, including: the sudden appearance of the major groups of animals in the fossil record (known as the Cambrian Explosion); the lack of new major groups of other living things appearing in the fossil record; the lack of transitional forms of major groups of plants and animals in the fossil record; and the complete and complex set of instructions for building a living body possessed by all living things.”
The textbook disclaimer would end with the following advice: “Study hard and keep an open mind.”
Now wait a second: If Rep. Gary Chism really believes what he says he believes in, then wasn’t God there? And wasn’t that whole episode transcribed in the Bible? And that presents another question, actually: Why isn’t there a disclaimer in the Bible? You know, suggesting that it, too, is a theory?
What am I talking about? Too much “Lost.” I’m not thinking linearly.
I Kind of Feel Like the Polygamists Have a Point
Up in Canada, where far fewer Americans are making plans to relocate thanks to Obama, an interesting legal question has arisen. See, up in Canada, those liberal minded heathens have legalized gay marriage and, thus, modified the definition of marriage. And hell: Since they’ve modified the whole between one man and one woman part, what’s stopping them from changing the one woman part?
Winston Blackmore, 52, and James Oler, 44, are each accused of being married to more than one woman at a time. The charges carry a maximum penalty of five years in prison, British Columbia Attorney General Wally Oppal said.
But Blackmore’s lawyer, Blair Suffredine, said during a telephone interview that marriage standards in Canada have changed.
“If (homosexuals) can marry, what is the reason that public policy says one person can’t marry more than one person?” said Suffredine, a former provincial lawmaker. Canada’s Parliament extended full marriage rights to same-sex couples in 2005.
It’s not an unreasonable argument, is it? And what the hell is wrong with multiple wives, anyway? As long as they’re not underage and there is no coercion, what harm are polygamist causing the greater world? Other than, you know, limiting the odds for the rest of the men.
Now this is a mustache ride I’d take!
Dustin recently put together a list of the best and worst mustaches in Hollywood. Too bad this criminal ain’t in Hollywood, because he can teach Magnum a thing or two about how a real man busts the ‘stache.
(Hat tip to The Smoking Gun, of course)
I showed up and puncshed my time card, sho what else didja wantshfromme?
Peru’s version of the Supremes sees nothing wrong with folks coming to work a little drunk, ruling that being on the job sloshed isn’t a reason for being fired! One of the justices said the firing was not warranted because, sure, Pablo Cayo showed up to work drunk, but the janitor didn’t hurt or offend anyone.
That some good legal reasoning! And considering the looks and comments I got last week for having an open bottle of wine and a glass sitting on my desk, I may get to test out how our courts feel about this issue pretty soon!
Dude: It’s Not The Words, It’s the Way You Say Them
OK, Fine, Mr. Jon Stewart. Obama’s Inauguration Speech shared some things in common with George Bush’s rhetoric. But it’s different. Why? I don’t know! Because Obama walks the goddamn walk, and Bush just sort of stumbles into the bar and passes out. See: It’s different!
Nevertheless, it’s cool to see that Stewart isn’t going to roll over for the new administration. That wouldn’t make for much of a show.
The (Kinda-Sorta) Daily Memo - 1/21/09
A former Big Law associate is suing his old firm for wrongful termination, defamation, and a slew of other shit, throwing several partners and associates under the bus in the process — this will definitely end well. (Above the Law)
The White House website done got itself a blog. (WhiteHouse.gov)
Nerds rejoice, for Warner Brothers and Fox have settled their Watchmen spat, so come March 6, you shall be able to answer “me” in response to “who watches the Watchmen?” (LawInfo)
The Supremes, school girls and pain relievers … just another Friday afternoon ‘round the QuizLaw office. (Law.com)
The Bush Administration’s Most Despicable Act. (Time)
Mister Fluffy’s a happy guy right now. (The TTABlog)
This former lawyer is a class mo-fo. (Bitter Lawyer)
O … oh! … OH! … OBA—yaaaaaawn
Sounds like it’s going to be some gruelling and tired times for the Obama staff:
With the metabolism of a White House set by its occupant, Obama’s team is preparing for a return to long nights, heavy weekend shifts - and a boss who will venture into Washington far more than the place’s current resident.
It’s a throwback to Bill Clinton’s cramming-for-an-exam style, a shift from George W. Bush’s early-bird routine. Aides expect the workload to be so intense, at least for the early months, that they’re trying to formalize ways to help staffers stay in touch with spouses and kids - with ideas under consideration that include inviting family members into the White House for casual after-hours meals.
Another possibility: urging aides to go home for dinner, as long as they come back to finish the night.
***
Bush famously arrives at the Oval Office by dawn, leaves by 6 p.m. and goes to bed by 10 p.m. Dinners out are as rare as a lunar eclipse.
Obama, by contrast, stays up late. He holds conference calls with senior staff as late as 11 p.m., and often reads and writes past midnight. Ahead of the Democratic National Convention, he spent consecutive nights holed up in a Chicago hotel room, working on his speech until 2 a.m.
More power to them. Sounds like they’re going to be keeping the kind of hours I was keeping while in trial mode. That was only three months and it all but killed me. Four (or eight) years of that? Oy vey.
O … oh! … OH! … OBAMA!!!!
What better way to celebrate the new President than by celebrating with the new President. Well not “with” him like, “you and Barack chilling out over a pizza pie and pitcher of beer.” More “with” him like, “sticking a freaky-Obama looking dildo up your hoo-ha or heiney.”
Yup, for only $34.95 the “official” Obama pleasure toy, the Head O State Obama Sex Toy can be all yours. And you get your choice of “Presidential Gold” or “Democratic Blue!”
…Is it just me, or does the Democratic Blue sort of look like a Star Wars Jedi ghost? If Lucas ever does another Star Wars flick, I demand a scene where the Obama dildo is chilling with Obi Wan and Yoda’s ghosts.
(Hat tip to 43(B)log)
A Black Man in the White House. Hell Yeah!
What the hell are we supposed to write today? Dumb criminal and stupid lawyer stories seem fairly inappropriate, and there’s no sense in trying to go about business as usual. This is history, motherfuckers.
Hmmm. Did y’all see Jill Biden slip up yesterday on Oprah, and mention that her husband was offered his choice of Secretary of State or Vice President? Oops. I guess that solidifies Hillary’s also-ran status.
Ah, but who cares. That’s for another day. Here are some fun facts: Teddy Roosevelt wore a ring containing a lock of Abraham Lincoln’s hair to his inauguration. The Army had to use flamethrowers to clear snow for JFK’s inauguration. George Washington’s inaugural speech was the shortest on record, at 135 words, while William Henry Harrison’s was the longest, at 8,444 words. He died 31 days later, proving that one should err on the side of brevity when it’s 10 degrees outside.
Blah blah blah. At noon today, George Bush and Dick Cheney’s portraits in the White House will be removed and immediately destroyed. Hallelujah. Hopefully, we can do the same for that goddamn Bush countdown clock on our site.
Giddyup, folks. Have a great inauguration day.
One more day … one day more
(From Friday’s Non Sequitur)
Do it for Dawkins
Seth is still to goddamn busy to post (settlement conference today, I believe), so I’m gonna do the nice thing and post this good-luck, inspirational video in his stead, ahead of this weekend’s Eagles vs. Cardinals (really?) game. He’d do the same for me (that’s absolutely not true).
(H/T Galley Slaves)
RIP John Mortimer: 1923 - 2009
John Mortimer has just died. He was 85. And despite my legal training, I had no idea who he was until PaddyDog suggested we run an obit on him. Per PaddyDog:
A barrister who abandoned the safe side of the law to defend free speech and unpopular civil rights causes in Britain (he defended the Sex Pistols on obscenity charges, thereby allowing Never Mind the Bollocks to be released) who went on to create Rumpole of The Bailey, one of the finest fictional lawyers ever (and I suspect the inspiration for many to go in to law). Even in his eighties, he created a special Rumpole story to protest Britain’s new anti-terror laws that he felt went way too far. He will be missed.
Indeed.
Oh, and his daughter is the actress Emily Mortimer. Who knew?
Rest in peace.
Bah. I Didn’t Really Care for the Fourth Amendment Anyway
In case you missed it, yesterday The Sups basically trounced all over our Fourth Amendment rights, further de-fanging the exclusionary rule in search and seizure cases. The conservative majority essentially stated that if the police accidentally violate your Constitutional rights during a search or seizure, the evidence is still admissible.
The case arose out of a situation where the police arrested a man based on an arrest warrant that had been recalled five months before. They found amphetamines on his person. The Supreme Court ruled that the drugs were allowed into evidence. Justice Roberts wrote the majority opinion, noting: “Evidence may be used ‘when police mistakes are the result of negligence such as that described here, rather than systemic error or reckless disregard of constitutional requirements.’”
In other words: If the police screw up, that’s your problem, and not the cops; i.e., henceforth, the police will be rewarded for their “mistakes.” You can expect the cops to be making a lot more “mistakes” in the future.
Daddy’s little cash cow
From MSNBC:
“A California man has been arrested for arranging for his 14-year-old daughter to marry a neighbor in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat, police said.
Authorities in Greenfield, a farming community on California’s central coast, said they learned of the deal after Marcelino de Jesus Martinez, 36, asked them for help getting back his daughter after payment wasn’t made.”
The man said the money was meant as bride price (reversed dowry) and that the beer and meat were for the wedding, a custom not uncommon in his community of traditional Trique Mexicans. Apparently the girl has now moved in with her new 18 year old husband, and was a willing party to the whole deal.
I can see where this girl is coming from. If my dad were such a dumb asshole that he not only tries to sell my ass at 14, but also phones the police when he doesn’t see any money, I’d take my chances with the new guy as well.
The kids are alright
Back in December, Quizlaw reported on a family that was refused a birthday cake with their son’s name on it , the son in question was named Adolf Hitler. Apparently Adolf and his sisters have now been removed from their home by welfare workers.
The New Jersey Division of Youth and Family Services removed three-year-old Adolf and his younger sisters, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell from their home on Tuesday, The Associated Press reports.
Agency spokeswoman Kate Bernyk said it would not provide any details on why the children were removed.”
“Would not provide any details on why the children were removed” … but the fact that their parents are a bunch of racist, neo-nazi lunatics might have something to do with it.
Fish Fight
When I read the headline “naked man with raw trout beats shoe salesman” I was a little worried someone had stolen my ultimate fantasy. Not so much the naked and shoe salesman part, but it has been a lifelong dream to smack someone across the face with a raw, wet fish (like in the Asterix comics). Preferably a person I dislike, but I’m pretty sure if it was my grandma I’d still enjoy the hell out of it.
Anyhoodle, a shoe salesman from Weert (Netherlands), got bitten in the arm yesterday morning by a naked man holding a trout. The 25 year old parked his bicycle against the shoe store and walked in wearing nothing but a wool hat and shoes. In his hand he had a raw trout, out of which he occasionally took a bite. Since it’s the dead of winter, salesman Robert van Dooren asked him if he wasn’t a little cold, but the man denied this. Robert informed the police (who happened to be patrolling the area), but on seeing their uniforms the man became agitated and started to attack the shoe racks in the store. Eventually they were able to wrestle him to the floor, but in doing so the man bit down hard on Robert’s arm. The man had apparently escaped from a local open psychiatric ward. He has now been moved to a closed ward, charges are pending.
The New York Giants can’t even be the best when it comes to shooting yourself
Last Sunday the New York Football Giant were embarrassed at home by a hungry and expectations-free squad of Philly Eagles. Good times. Part of the reason the Gints couldn’t get it done was because they were without their star receiver Plaxico Burress, who’s often been a tall pile of trouble for the Eagles secondary. Burress wasn’t playing because he’s been suspended since late November, when the asshat shot himself in the thigh in a nightclub.
But that’s nothing because some mega-asshat in Florida (natch) managed to shoot himself in the arm without a fucking gun. Seems that Howard Sheppard was playing with some rounds of ammunition when one of the rounds managed to discharge and send a bullet soaring into his arm.
How’s that happen, you ask? As the cops eventually figured out when pressing him for details, it may have had something to with the fact that Sheppard had put a bullet into a vice clamp and set up a metal punch next to it. And then he hit the punch with a fucking hammer. Blammo — bullet in the arm.
(Hat tip to Sharon)
Mickey Rourke: Really Not that Cool
Look: I love a good comeback story as much as the next guy, and if you’ve seen The Wrestler, you know that Mickey Rourke deserves a lot of accolades for his work. But what seems to be forgotten in the midst of this huge career rebound is one simple thing: Mickey Rourke is a dick. The man has always been a dick. And much of the career turmoil he had he brought upon himself. He’s always been a decent actor, but I actually have vague recollections — way back in the day — of what kind of guy he was (Kim Basinger, for one, loathed him, and despised every day she spent on the set of 9 1/2 Weeks). He’s also been charged, in the past, for spousal abuse. And part of the reason that he’s so good in The Wrester is because he plays a dick. I appreciated his performance, but there wasn’t a second in the movie where I sympathized with his character. He was playing himself: A selfish motherfucking prick.
Anyway, the point is: Our friend, Mr. Last, pointed to this article about Mickey Rourke with the line, “And the Oscar goes to Sean Penn in Milk.” Clearly, Last — who is a bit on the conservative side, and who has spoken hilariously about Sean Penn’s role in Milk being completely critic-proof from the liberal perspective because of who he was playing (and he’s right about that, to some degree) — was being sarcastic. Last made the comment in the context of a few off-the-wall comments that Rourke delivered in London, essentially sympathizing with George W. Bush.
“I don’t give a f**k who’s in office, Bush or whoever, there is no simple solution to this problem… I’m not one of those who blames Bush for everything. This s**t between Christians and Muslims goes back to the Crusades, doesn’t it.
“It’s too easy to blame everything on one guy. These are unpredictable, dangerous times, and I don’t think that anyone really knows quite what to do.”
Rourke also confesses he was so angry after 9/11, he wanted to fight the war on terror himself.
He adds, “I’m not politically educated. But I do know that after 9/11 I wanted to go over there, you know what I’m saying?”
And the star is baffled by the U.K.’s approach to fundamentalists - insisting he was taken aback by the freedom of speech allowed in the U.K.
He explains, “I was in London recently and I couldn’t believe all these hate-talking fanatics you have over here who are allowed to carry on doing their thing even when a bus full of women and children gets blown to pieces.
“I know you’ve deported one or two of them, but it seems crazy. I think there is worse to come, something terrible will happen to either America or the U.K., or France even. I don’t think these fundamentalists should be allowed to talk all this crap, and brainwashing these young kids.”
Taken aback by freedom of speech? This from the dude who starred in Angel Heart and 9 1/2 Weeks and Wild Orchid. I do believe the drug use and the facial reconstruction surgery the man had has gone to his head.
Anyway, I know he’s only recently returned to the scene in a big way (along with The Wrestler, he was good in Sin City), but I’m actually tired of the comeback already. Good people deserve comebacks. And I just don’t think that Rourke was, is, or ever will be good people. And it’s not just because he’s sympathetic to W.
Wow. Our Speaker of the House is Hilarious
Ladies and Gentlemen, Nancy Pelosi put this video together, apparently with all the spare time she had between not saving the economy and Botoxing her face into oblivion. And it’s Hi-Larious — it features Pelosi’s cats, but it’s really an elaborate set-up for the lamest, played-out joke in the YouTube universe. Get excited, y’all.
Stepping away from the insanity for a moment…
So yeah, not so much posting from me of late, as we’re basically in full-on trial mode. Aside from carving out a few hours each week to enjoy the expectations-free playoff run of a certain Philadelphia football team, I’ve been a busy fucking beaver (let’s put it this way — I’ve already billed the hours I need to bill for the whole month, a mere 13 days in). But I had to post this recent Non Sequitur comic, since it’s rather on point.
Floridian’s Stupidity is Another Man’s Gain
They just make it so easy on the cops, don’t they?
A man who Pasco sheriff’s deputies say attempted to steal about $2,000 worth of fishing poles from a parked boat didn’t help his situation by telling deputies during questioning that he had been “wanting that boat for a while. Mark my words, I’ll get it again.”
Craig Martin, 41, was charged with burglary after deputies said he tried to take the rods from the victim’s boat locker Sunday afternoon. According to deputies, Martin did not want to talk about the incident, but during the investigation he blurted out, “We both know I did it.”
Martin, who remained in the Land O’Lakes jail Monday night in lieu of $10,000 bail, said he made a mistake by entering the boat during the day, according to a report. “I usually ain’t that dumb … you ain’t writing that down, are you?”
You know, when a man confesses, after committing a crime, that he “usually ain’t that dumb,” I’m guessing that, in fact, he is that dumb.
Gideon v. Wainwright Just Jumped the Shark in Washington
If you’re caught skipping class in Washington, you might want to get used to this refrain: “You have a right to an attorney, anything you do or say can be held … “
A panel of judges has apparently made Washington the first state to rule that juvenile students accused of chronically cutting classes in public schools are entitled to a lawyer in their first court hearing.
The Washington state Court of Appeals ruled Monday that denying a juvenile the right to a lawyer from the outset violated constitutional requirements.
If it stands, the decision could make Washington the first state in which a juvenile is entitled to counsel at the outset of court truancy proceedings that could lead to penalties, said Paul M. Holland, director of the Ronald A. Peterson Law Clinic at Seattle University, which represented the student in the case.
There’s one huge problem with that ruling: Kid’s don’t have rights, goddamnit. It’s rulings like these that are going to undermine America’s parents. What’s next? A teenager is going to have the right to an attorney before he can be grounded for missing curfew?
Ree-diculous.
I Mean, Hooters is Sexist. Why Shouldn’t Men Sue?
TMZ.com is making a big hullaballoo over the fact that a few guys are filing suit against Hooters because of gender discrimation — they weren’t hired because they are men. TMZ puts it this way:
These dumbasses — led by some d-bag named Nikolai Grushevski — have filed a class-action suit in Texas alleging they were each “denied a waiter’s position because of … gender.” No s**t?!!?!!
It’s not the first gender discrimination suit brought against Hooters by men — 11 years ago, a similar suit was brought, and after a $3.75 million settlement, Hooters agreed to create neutral positions (bartenders, hosts, cooks, etc.) so that the restaurant would still be able to hire men while limiting the Hooters Girls (or the waitstaff) strictly to women.
But you know what? I’m not so sure that the lawsuit can be written off as a joke. Is there not some merit to it? In this economy, where jobs are hard enough to come by, if there are waitstaff positions available at a Hooters, can men not serve food just as well? Can a Hooters Dude not do the hula hoop equally as well? Besides, I think that Hooters is missing out on an entire gender demographic: You hire some shirtless dudes to compete with the large-chested women in their establishments, and you’re bound to sell twice as many wings. Am I right?
And if I’m not mistaken, those Hooters refer to the Owl mascots. Isn’t that how they manage to avoid sexual harassment litigation? No reason a guy can’t do a little Hoot Hooting himself.
Fun Fact: Every order of Hooters fries comes with ketchup and Hep B!
And You Thought You Were Wasting Your Life Away …
If, after 26 years, you still haven’t mastered your hobby, here’s an idea: Get a different one.
It has taken most of his life - but, after 26 years, builder Graham Parker has finally solved the puzzle of the Rubik’s Cube.
When he bought the toy in 1983, Yuri Andropov was leader of the Soviet Union, breakfast TV was a novelty and music CDs were in the shops for the first time.
‘I cannot tell you what a relief it was to finally solve it,’ the 45-year-old from Portchester, Hampshire, said. ‘It has driven me mad over the years - it felt like it had taken over my life.
Oh, man: How fun would it have been to sneak in and screw up the cube before he could show anyone! Drats! 26 more years.
/pathetic
It’s Not Like He’s Gonna Eat the Kid
In Arkansas, you can’t adopt a child if you’re gay. In England, apparently you can’t adopt a child if you’re fat.
A man has been told he cannot adopt a child because he is overweight.
Damien Hall was told by Leeds city council that his weight - 24-and-a-half stone - made his morbidly obese.
The council told him his body mass index, BMI, was more than 42 and informed the 37-year-old it would have to drop to below 40 before he could be considered a potential parent due to risks he could become ill or die.
Mr Hall and his wife Charlotte, 31, have been married for 11 years but are unable to have children of their own.
24 and a half stones — that’s about 350 pounds, or the average size of a typical Arkansan (which you’d probably understand if you’d ever eated at AQ Chicken House — deee-licious).
It’s a stupid rule in England, but at least there’s some logic behind it: If you weigh 350 lbs, you’re less likely to survive long enough to care for the child.
Jackass Punditry of the Day
From Joe the Plumber (Samuel Wurzelbacher), who is reporting on the war in Israel for the conservatire outfit, JJTV.com:
I’ll be honest with you. I don’t think journalists should be anywhere allowed war. I mean, you guys report where our troops are at. You report what’s happening day to day. You make a big deal out of it. I think it’s asinine. You know, I liked back in World War I and World War II when you’d go to the theater and you’d see your troops on, you know, the screen and everyone would be real excited and happy for’em. Now everyone’s got an opinion and wants to downer-and down soldiers. You know, American soldiers or Israeli soldiers.
I think media should be abolished from, uh, you know, reporting. You know, war is hell. And if you’re gonna sit there and say, “Well look at this atrocity,” well you don’t know the whole story behind it half the time, so I think the media should have no business in it.
Joe is right. We should definitely leave the war reporting to the experts, like Joe, who learned everything he knows about war from Howard C. Massey’s Basic Pluming with Illustrations.
Idiot. When will this guy’s 15 minutes end?
If You’re Gonna Steal a Car for a High Speed Chase, Make Sure It’s not Explosive
Here’s some real Grand Theft Auto stuff:
One robbery suspect is dead and another in police custody after a bizarre pursuit Thursday night that ended in a fiery wreck that has shut down a portion of the Brookshire Freeway.
Police say that in their haste to get away, robbery suspects crashed one car and then carjacked an SUV from a plainclothes Gaston County police officer.
In the confrontation, at least two shots were fired by the officer before the Chevy Suburban crashed and burst into flames. The fiery wreck was fueled by ammunition in the truck.
You know, if Jason Statham were driving that SUV, he’d have survived the crash. And he’d have taken out half the police force before getting away on a motor scooter.
You Can’t Throw a Pie in a Guy’s Face When It’s Already Covered in Custard
By virtue of making fun of himself first, I do believe that Anderson Cooper has just bought three months immunity from “The Daily Show.” He is a handsome fella, too. And lookie: Puppys!
What’s so bizarre about this?
Brenton Alan Erhardt, 39, pleaded guilty in the Darwin Magistrates Court to dangerous driving.
He was pulled over by police on the Stuart Highway in July speeding at 147 kilometres per hour, south of Daly Waters.
He admitted to officers he filmed himself masturbating while driving from Adelaide to Darwin.
He also pleaded guilty to driving unlicensed, carrying two cannabis smoking pipes, administering the drug and carrying a loaded rifle.
Magistrate Sue Oliver says the driving was bizarre to say the least and conduct she expects of someone much younger.
Seriously, who hasn’t done that?
(Hat tip to Louise.)
What a Paternity Clusterf**k
One of our illustrious readers, Darcy, pointed me toward yet another WTF decision by a Canadian court (you think our court system is messed up? They just make shit up in Canada). It involves a father who learned that he was paying child support to twins he later found out weren’t his. Who was the father? Mom doesn’t know — she was too drugged up to remember who she was screwing at the time.
A Toronto man is on the hook to pay child support, notwithstanding a DNA test that proved he is not the biological father of his ex-wife’s twins, an Ontario Superior Court judge has ruled.
Madam Justice Katherine van Rensburg ordered Pasqualino Cornelio to continue paying child support to the 16-year-old twins - regardless of whether he was bamboozled by a philandering wife.
“While the failure of Anciolina Cornelio to disclose to her husband the fact that she had an extramarital affair - and that the twins might not be his biological children - may have been a moral wrong against Mr. Cornelio, it is a wrong that does not afford him a legal remedy to recover child support he has already paid, and that does not permit him to stop paying child support,” Judge van Rensburg said.
Mr. Cornelio began making support payments soon after he separated from his wife in 1998. He had the DNA test after his former spouse recently sought an increase in the payments and a reduction in his time with the twins. Upon learning that he was not the biological father, Mr. Cornelio claimed to be a victim of misrepresentation or fraud.
He asked to be excused from paying child support and demanded reimbursement of tens of thousands of dollars he has paid over the years.
Ms. Cornelio was unable to shed light on the mystery of the twins’ parentage. “Ms. Cornelio denies knowledge of who the twins’ biological father might be,” Judge van Rensburg said. “In fact, she claims to have no memory of an extramarital affair preceding their birth, which she attributes to the medication she was taking at the time.”
Darcy summed this one up pretty accurately, writing: “This will almost certainly be overturned on appeal so as to unfuck the lower court’s awful interpretation of the statute. Nevertheless, now that the mother has (conveniently) forgot that she had an extramarital affair, let alone who it was with, the kids are now fatherless and subject to national media coverage. Family law: where the only winners are lawyers.”
Modern-day Calvin sorely misses his Hobbes
When I think “four-year-old boy,” I almost always picture Calvin. Cute little, pugnacious kid with messy blond hair, dragging around his stuffed tiger and tossing aside philosophical quips when he’s not too busy turning cardboard boxes into high-technology.
I don’t picture a kid who goes to a bedroom, takes down a shotgun, and shoots his 18-year-old babysitter in an act of angry vengeance because the babysitter had the audacity to step on the kid’s foot.
Jesus.
(Hat tip to Nicole.)
“I’ll give you a penny for your thoughts.” “Well I’ve got about 300,000 thoughts.” “Not a problem.”
The weird thing about this story from Indiana is that Craig Stueber had been collecting pennies for 30 years, accumulating about 300,000 of the little Lincolns.
The weirder thing is that some dude stole them pennies.
Stueber reported that he found the pennies missing when he returned to his home in the northern Indiana town at about 4:30 p.m. Monday. According to the report, Stueber doesn’t normally check the jar but saw the lid was sitting on his entertainment center.
Nothing else was missing from the house.
The jar was not clear, so no one would know it held thousands of pennies without looking inside or if someone had told them about. Stueber said no one other than family members knew about the jug.
No word on how the apparently massive jar was removed, which is truly an enigma since 300,000 pennies weigh almost a ton.
Another Sad Hoarding Story
A few months ago, I posted about a 73-year-old man in England who had hoarded over 100 tons of trash in his home and the city was called in to clean up his place. Now, a 74-year-old man in England, who is not the same guy, has just died, tragically, in a hoarding mishap.
An eccentric loner is believed to have died of thirst after becoming trapped in a bizarre and intricate network of tunnels built from rubbish in his home.
Investigators believe the labyrinth was so complicated that Gordon Stewart, 74, may have become lost inside it. It is thought he may have died as a result of dehydration, after becoming unable to find his way out of the stinking mass.
Neighbours had become concerned that they had not seen him for several days and raised the alarm.
According to witnesses, the officers were faced with mounds of foul-smelling garbage which he had used to construct tunnels around his home. Police called in a specialist diving team last Friday afternoon because the smell from the house in Broughton, Buckinghamshire, was so overpowering. They discovered a confusing system of tunnels networking around the interior of the building, with Mr Stewart lying dead inside.
Man, that is absolutely nothing but sad. Dying of thirst amidst the garbage you brought in. Yeesh.
HaHaHa! Who’s Laughing Now, Dumbass?
You ever wonder what might happen if you actually did make that bomb joke rattling around your head every time you enter an airport. Ask this guy:
A St. Louis man finds out the hard way that jokes about shoe bombs on planes will not be tolerated.
Michael Shafermeyer spent more than three days in jail after making what he says was a joke at Lambert Airport on Saturday. He tells KMOV-TV that he was flying to Maryland to get married and had a few drinks.
When a flight attendant asked him to close his laptop after boarding, Shafermeyer says he jokingly asked her, “Are you the one who checks for shoe bombs?”
Within minutes, federal agents removed him from the plane. He spent much of his time in the St. Louis County jail in solitary confinement.
Man, I bet his wife-to-be was pissed Good thing he wasn’t Muslim - they’d have sent him to Guantanamo Bay and given him hourly swirlies.
The (Kinda-Sorta) Daily Memo - 1/7/09
The billable hour may never go away, and it’s all Herm Edwards’ fault. (Above the Law)
Well that sure didn’t take long - Norm Coleman’s taking Al Franken’s Senate victory to court. (Law.com)
For my money, until the law bans “The Real Housewives of New York City,” nobody’s safe. (Concurring Opinions)
Congress gives itself a mini-bailout. (UPI)
Who wants to be a G-Man? (CNN)
Playoffs? Don’t talk about … playoffs?
The NFL playoffs are full steam ahead. And while some of us (me) are happy to see our teams (E-A-G-L-E-S Eagles!) still in the hunt, others of us (Dustin) aren’t so lucky (smell you later, Colts). At the moment, the San Diego Chargers are still in it, having defeated Dusty’s Colts. And Chargers’ wide receiver Vincent Jackson apparently decided to celebrate in the only way he knows — by getting arrested for a DUI. Way to go big guy.
Of course, this story was really just an excuse to post this neverendingly fun video:
Obama Loves Peach Cobbler. Communists Love Peach Cobbler. Coincidence?
I think not.
Seven years ago, Barry appeared on a restaurant review show and so dominated the conversation that the producers decided not to air it.
Conspiracy?
Worst Roommate Ever?
I once found a roommate online — nice guy. Was never home on weekends. Liked gay porn a little much for my taste — mostly because he looked at it on the desktop, in the living room — but otherwise, it was a decent living situation.
We can’t all be so lucky.
A 60-year-old woman who answered a man’s online ad to share a house was shot in the face by her new roommate Saturday, shortly after she unpacked her belongings in his Slidell home, authorities said.
The woman was seriously injured, the homeowner is in jail and investigators are baffled as they search for a motive.
McCullough shot the woman three times with a small-caliber handgun; two bullets hit her in the face and one hit her neck, O’Neil said. The woman was able to drive away and call 911, but eventually crashed into a ditch where she was found by emergency medical workers, who took her to NorthShore Regional Medical Center.
But don’t worry, there’s an upbeat ending to this story.
The woman, whose name was not released, was shot in her face and neck but her injuries are not life-threatening, Slidell police Capt. Kevin O’Neil said Monday.
Not life threatening?! Seriously? Shot twice in the face and once in the neck, and her injuries aren’t life threatening? What the hell? Was he using a cap gun?
QuizLaw’s Future Lawsuit of the Day
(Image via The Smoking Gun; H/T branded)
Well there are ten thousand spoons, but where’s my knife?!
Last month, a gal in Nevada was busted for a DUI. Lady was pulled over, and while she said she had only had one margarita, she failed her field sobriety test and blew above a 0.08 on the ol’ too-much-booze-in-blood test.
The irony of it is, Kathleen Cherry was drinking fruity margaritas made with a cherry liqueur. See? Her last name’s Cherry, and the drink had cherries in it.
Nah, that’s not the irony. The irony is that Cherry works for the Nevada sheriff’s department. As an employee who draws blood to test blood alcohol content. And she was pulled over while she was on her to way to the jail to test some other fool for being a drunk driver!
If only that guy was drinking cherry margaritas, this story would’ve been tits.
My new favorite Senator!
By 225 votes, Minnesota is Al Franken’s. Hot diggity.
Of course, Norm Coleman isn’t taking the election certification sitting down, as he’s planning a full-own legal onslaught.
(Hat tip to If a TV Falls in the Woods for the video clip.)
Today in Dead Cat News
In furtherance of my New Year’s resolution to write as often as possible about meaningless news stories, here’s a doozy of a worthless story:
The first family leaving the White House this month will be without one of its longtime members: the Bush family’s 18-year-old cat has died.The first lady’s office said Monday that India, a black American shorthair named for former Texas Rangers player Ruben Sierra, died Sunday at the White House.
Bush daughter Barbara, then 9, named the cat “India” after Sierra, a former major league player, whose nickname was “El Indio.” President George W. Bush was a former co-owner of the Texas Rangers. When Bush daughters Barbara and Jenna went to college, the cat stayed at the White House with the president and first lady.
The family affectionately called the cat “Kitty.”
I just love that the Bush Family was creative enough to nickname their cat, “Kitty.” That’s genius — outside of the box awesome. Kitty! Those Bushes … subversive motherfuckers, aren’t they?
Man: Whatever happened to Ruben Sierra? I used to collect his rookie cards. Completely worthless.
Show Me Your Nuts
Man, how bad is the recession? Even the squirrels are getting screwed:
An acorn shortage in Indiana’s woodlands has cut into squirrels’ chief food source and given hunters more chances to bag some of the furry rodents.
Biologists aren’t sure why oak trees produced so few nuts last fall.
But hunters are having a banner year at Indiana’s public hunting areas as squirrels are making themselves easier targets by foraging more boldly than usual in search of their favorite food.
Purdue University forestry professor Rob Swihart says that acorns are a staple for a whole array of animals. He predicts animal population declines in the next couple of years.
Biologists say acorn production is cyclical, but they also point to various weather factors, including a late freeze in 2007 that likely interrupted red oak acorn development.
Is this in any way legally related? No, but it did give me an opportunity to post a clip from the awesomely politically incorrect Kentucky Fried Movie.
And here’s another one for good measure:
Greta’s Hansel Arrested in New Year’s Robbery
This guy apparently has bread crumb dyslexia.
A messy thief was arrested after a trail of popcorn kernels led police from a burglarized store to the suspect’s living room.
California Police say a Food Stop store was robbed early New Year’s day, when officers found several food items and a cash register missing. They also found popcorn on the ground that led away from the store to a nearby apartment complex and trailed to one unit in particular.
When officers knocked, they noticed the popcorn kernels continued inside the apartment, where the other stolen property was also found. 21-year-old Tyree Brown was arrested for a theft warrant and possession of stolen property.
Dude — you’re doing it wrong. Or maybe he’d planned on robbing the convenience store again the next day and wanted to remember how to get back. I just hope the cops don’t try to stick him in an oven.
Oh, and as if you had to ask: Florida.
The (Kinda-Sorta) Daily Memo - 1/2/09
What does Ben Roethlisberger have to do with the fact that the U.S. News and World Report law school rankings are kinda fucked up? (Law.com)
Hey, remember that pinball machine from What Women Want? Yeah, neither does anyone else, which is why the copyright/trademark case over it was thrown out. (The Trademark Blog)
Alberto Gonzales: “I consider my a casualty.” Really? Of what, your own douchebaggery? (WSJ Law Blog)
An injured girl is suing her high school coach and the school district because she got injured when the girl’s basketball team was allowed to scrimmage against a team of guys. (Cincinnati.com)
This headline speaks for itself: “Man charged with battery after reportedly shoving cheeseburger into girlfriend’s face.” (TCpalm.com)
Oh Charles, you’re supposed to get crazy DUIs after you become a politician, not before
Earlier this week, Charles Barkley was arrested for a DUI. And although a drunk Barkley driving around with a gun in the car is rather terrifying, there are some amusing pieces to the story
According to the officer who wrote the report, “He told me that he ran the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up the girl I saw get in the passenger seat.”
The officer continues: “He asked me to admit that she was ‘hot.’ He asked me, ‘You want the truth?’ When I told him I did he said, ‘I was gonna drive around the corner and get a b**w job. He then explained that she had given him a ‘b**w job’ one week earlier and said it was the best one he had ever had in his life.”
The report says when Barkley was taken to the station, he told one of the employees, “I’ll tattoo my name on your ass” if he helped “get him out of the DUI.” According to the report, “He laughed and then quickly corrected himself and said, ‘I’ll tattoo your name on my ass’ and then laughed again.”
