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“Yes, it’s true your honor. This man has no dick.”
In the middle of the afternoon one day last September, an 81-year-old New Jersey man allegedly parked his car across the street from a movie theater and began masturbating. After being spotted by a pedestrian, who called the cops, he drove off. The police stopped the man’s car shortly thereafter and he denied any improperly salacious acts, claiming that he simply has to itch a lot because of dry skin. He also told the police that the accusation was impossible because “I don’t have a penis.” Three weeks ago, the man appeared in court for his arraignment, brought in via wheelchair and speaking on his own behalf. When his case was finally called (after he had fallen asleep), the man asked the judge if he could represent himself at the next hearing, scheduled for later this month. The judge pulled out an age-old adage, telling him that he would have a fool for a client.
The assistant county prosecutor has not discussed how he intends to deal with the man’s no-penis defense, although he did say that “there is no information that would lead us to think that he is missing any body parts that men his age typically have.” Translation - this dick’s got a dick and his defense ain’t dick.
