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Turkey basters and alcohol don’t mix

One recent Tuesday afternoon, Jennifer Lighten was chilling in her apartment when her wife, Stephanie Lighten, came home (they live in Massachusetts, one of those places going to hell for letting the gays marry). Stephanie was apparently three sheets to the wind and threw Jennifer on the couch. She then tried to rip off Jennifer’s clothes — not to have sex with her, but to impregnate her with a turkey baster-type syringe full of Stephanie’s brother’s man juice.

Jennifer wrangled herself out and locked herself in the bathroom and, get this, Stephanie busted the door down. Because, when you wants to impregnate your wife, no god damned door is going to get in the way!

When Stephanie went to retrieve an ice pack from the freezer [for her wrist, which she hurt busting down the door], Jennifer bolted from the apartment and attempted to get away in the couple’s sport utility vehicle, police said.

As Jennifer pulled away from the scene, Stephanie “jumped on the side of their vehicle, swung the door open and made (Jennifer) stop,” Steinman said.

According to Officer John Bassi, a witness at the scene claimed Stephanie “was hanging on the SUV door handle, trying to get into the car.” Amber Hunt told Bassi that Stephanie nearly caused an accident when the vehicle narrowly missed hitting a tree in the front yard of Hunt’s Spring Street home.

Stephanie was arrested and the semen was taken into custody for questioning.

(Hat tip to Elizabeth, who also came up with this entry’s headline)

Posted by Seth on March 26, 2009 | Comments (5)