« The Daily Memo - 6/7/07 | Main | Awww, C’mon! »

This Ankle Bracelet, Like, Clashes with my Outfit

laLohan.jpgI dunno why I even bother because, by the time this is published, everyone in God’s kingdom will already know it because the media insists that we know it, whether we want to or not. We don’t have a choice in the matter – if you managed to avoid your computer or television all goddamn day, fear not – I’m sure Fox News has some skywriters flying above your house at this very moment, burning the message, “Paris is Free,” into the clear blue sky.

Yes – Paris Hilton, after serving only a few days, has been released from prison because of an unspecified medical reason. And yes – the medical reason is “unspecified” clearly so that every blog, news outlet, and peckerhead the world over can speculate. My guess? It wasn’t a medical reason at all – she’s just gotten so skinny that the prison guards were starting to worry that she’d be able to sneak through the bars in her jail cell. That, and she kept annoying everyone by exclaiming how “hot” it was (“That’s hot.” … “Damnit, Paris – we’ve already got the AC down to 50, so shut it.”)

Anyway, not that you or I care, but she’s been sent home, where she will serve out the full 43 days of her original sentence under home confinement. And man – that’s gotta suck when you’re a billionaire heiress. Whatever will she do cooped up in a palace for a month and a half? I’m guessing that, whatever it is, it will involve more than one penis, a lot of white powder, and it will be plastered on YouTube before the day’s out.

(*Note: Yes, that is an image of Linsday Lohan above. It’s an honest mistake — our intern clearly couldn’t tell the difference between coke-head celebutards. They all look the same.)

| Comments (4)


so genarlow wilson rots in prison for getting a bj from a female 2 years younger than he while a woman who endangered the lives of fellow drivers and then proceeded to flout the law repeatedly afterwards by driving on a suspended license is allowed to take a 40 day vacation in a 6500 square foot mansion that most of us would never be able to afford to rent for an afternoon. that seems completely fucking fair. if i lived in LA i would be demonstrating outside the sheriff's office this moment - although if i lived in LA i would likely have slit my wrists already.

"They all look the same." Bwahaha. That payoff was worth the sin of discussing Paris.

Most people hate being insulted. I felt very insulted by the news that Hilton had been released due to a "medical condition." Prisons and Jails are equpiied to take care of inmates with medical conditions. Prisons more than jails. Dr. Death had cancer of every organ in his body and could he leave? No. To think that corruption and favoritism in justice could be this flagrant makes my stomach turn. Unless she has the plague, and dear god I hope she does, then she deserves to rot like the rest of the unfortunate men and women who end up in our "correctional" facilities.

my neighbor's son was (rightfully) in prison for grand theft. he got sick with prostrate cancer while in prison. he got his chemo and other treatments in prison. when he was near death --and i mean, unable to walk, vomiting, 85lbs and can't keep down any food, near death-- his mother begged and pleaded for the state to allow him to come home to die under house arrest. she even offered to pay for the ankle bracelet. he ended up dying alone in prison.

if convicted criminals with cancer can rot away in prison, then so can paris.