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The Worst TV Pilot Idea … Ever!

barberlaw.jpgThere have been some truly awful television pilot ideas in the history of dumbass concepts. Take, for instance, “A Dog’s Life,” about a family of dogs, featuring actors in … dog suits. Or “NYPD Mounted,” a spec about NYC Cops on horseback. What about “Steel Justice,” a pilot about a cop whose son is tragically killed and reincarnated as … get this … a Robot Dinosaur. In 1999, Ben Stiller put into production a pilot entitled, “Heat Vision,” which would have featured Jack Black as a renegade NASA astronaut who gained superhuman intelligence after becoming exposed to inappropriate levels of the sun’s radiation. Kickass! Worse still: In 1997, CBS actually filmed a pilot of a live-action version of “The Justice League of America,” featuring the Green Lantern and Captain America.

Or what about this ridiculous concept: A talking trans-am that helps its owner fight crime?! Oh, wait: That was “Knight Rider.” Nevermind. My bad.

Anyway, as if the above pilot ideas weren’t ludicrous enough, Fox (who else?) has given the greenlight to a pilot for “Supreme Courtships,” a comedy that revolves around the professional and personal world of six Supreme Court clerks.

Genius, right? Six unattractive men and women, who haven’t been exposed to the sun’s rays in years, spend 18 hours a day on Lexis Nexis, researching ultimately mind-crushingly dull legal issues. The first episode will revolve around one of Justice Breyer’s clerks who fails in his efforts to make a pass at a colleague, after he attempts to test the limits of his new sexual harassment opinion. The second episode will deal with Justice Thomas’ head clerk, who has to cope with severe allergies and a nasal drip while composing the dissent for an opinion concerning RICO, while his lazy-ass boss watches soap operas. The season-long storyline, of course, will deal with Justice Scalia’s secret gay love-affair with one of John Paul Stevens’ clerks, who lashes out at Scalia by penning opinions in favor of homosexual unions.

Nielson is going to have to come up with a new rating system to account for the crazy, through-the-roof ratings “Supreme Courtships” will undoubtedly garner. Filming of the pilot, actually, has already begun. The above photo (courtesy of Above the Law) is a screenshot of Episode 3, which tracks four of the male clerks in their attempts to drunkenly woo the ladies by putting together a barbershop quartet. They are rebuffed, unfortunately, when the ladies at the local D.C. tavern don’t find the charm in their A cappella version of Color Me Badd’s “I Wanna Sex You Up,” and ultimately take out a restraining order.

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Comments

Is any of this true? Any of it? I can't find it on Netflix...

That Stiller pilot show is actually called "Heat Vision and Jack" and Owen Wilson plays Jack Black's partner--get this--that has been turned into a motor cycle. The whole episode can be found on youtube. Go ahead, waste 25 minutes of your life, you'll looooooove it.

The Bellisario machine attempted this a few years back. It was called "First Monday". And then someone tried it again with "Queens Supreme". Please, dear television gods, let this be the last attempt. They follow baseball rules in television, right?

As for "Steel Justice," it's been done before. Remember "My Mother the Car?"