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The Incredible Exploding Crapper

toiletbowl.jpgBack in my high school days, I was a bit of a vandal (at one point, thanks to the Anarchist Cookbook, I was arrested and charged with two felonies, though — because of my honor-roll status and some influential friends at the Tobacco and Firearms Commission — I was let off fairly easy with some community service), and one of my biggest vandalistic feats was to, er, blow up a toilet bowl in a teacher’s yard. It involved a ten pound bag of fertilizer, some charcoal, a half-a-bottle of lighter fluid, and a flame that shot out of a shitter ten feet high. It was a beautiful site, and one that stank up an entire neighborhood for a full day. Fortunately, I was never caught and, now that the statute of limitations has passed, I’d just like to apologize to my senior English teacher. I was a stupid kid, and you didn’t deserve to be awakened by a flaming bowl in your front lawn. It was decidedly uncool.

Of course, reading this account, I’m hit with a new wave of retroactive guilt, in addition to a small amount of relief, knowing now that such an act potentially could’ve gotten me five years in the clink (or, at least, a year in juvie). Bruce Forest, a 50-year-old man in Connecticut, received a five-year sentence after admitting, under a plea agreement, that he blew up a portable toilet in February of last year (no one was hurt). Of course, this guy blew up several other toilets, and he detonated his explosives — not with a match like I did — with an assault rifle. He, of course, blames pain killers, while I blame simple idiocy.