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Sure, the Colts beat the Eagles 45-21, but in the important match-up, the Indianapolis man beat the homeless man’s nuts, 1-0

colts-eagles.jpgWilliam L. “Butch” Riley was recently prosecuted for an event that took place last November outside of the RCA Dome shortly after Dustin’s very own Indianapolis Colts beat the tar out of my very own Philadelphia Eagles (a game I had to suffer through in Dustin’s house, to his infinite glee). In an alley, Butch attacked the homeless Timothy Upshaw Jr. by poking him in the eye and the groin with an umbrella.

According to Butch, he saw Upshaw approaching him as he was leaving the game and heading towards his car. Actually, that’s not quite true. According to Butch, he saw “the Terrorist” approaching him as he was leaving the game and heading towards his car. Yes, he apparently refuses to refer to the man by his god-given name of Timothy Upshaw Jr., only referring to him as “the Terrorist.” Anyway, Butch says that as soon as he got close enough to the Terrorist, he jabbed the Terrorist in the eye with an umbrella. When the Terrorist didn’t fall, and instead yelled out in a language that Butch said sounded Middle Eastern, well: “That’s when I gave him a shot in [the] groin with the umbrella and he fell. To ensure he wouldn’t get up and follow me, I jabbed him in the nuts again before getting in my car and leaving.”

Of course, the Terrorist Upshaw says that he wasn’t planning to attack Butch, but just wanted to ask for some money. But Butch attacked him before he could say anything: “And I wasn’t screaming in no foreign languages; I was just screaming because my eye felt like it was poked out. I don’t know any other languages besides American. I was born and raised in New Albany.”

Oh, and Butch claimed that the beers he had during the game did not affect his judgment. No sir, not in the least. His explanation for why his judgment was still clear? “I drink several beers every single day after work, so that has nothing to do with it. I felt like my life was in danger and I wasn’t taking any chance.”

Seriously? The “I’m an alcoholic, so I can totally hold my beers” defense?

Well, the jury didn’t buy it, convicting Butch. He’s gotta pay a $250 fine and do 100 hours of community service.

Oh, and get this. Under questioning from the prosecutor as to why he made this attack, Riley explained that it was simply a case of “Cause President Bush did it first:”

I must and will act preemptively to defeat any enemy who would impose his or her will on me, my allies, or my friends. That is good enough for our government so it is good enough for me.

So, by analogy, does that mean Bush should be hit with a $250 fine and 100 hours of community service over the Iraq debacle? I think so. And I think those 100 community service hours should be done in Baghdad, right?