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But What if Your Cellmate is Adebisi or Ryan O’Reily?
So back in 1995, New York State correctional facilities converted 796 single-prisoner cells into double-occupancy cells. This of course led to an immediate lawsuit brought by inmates at 13 various maximum-security prisons. They claimed that it was cruel and unusual punishment, in violation of their Constitutional rights, to force two prisoners to reside in a cell built for one. The prisoners argued that this policy forced them into a harsh living environment (because, you know, prison is supposed to be all sunshine and lollipops), exposing them to greater likelihood of assault and disease. For example, they had to smell their cellmate’s, uhm, “number twosies.”
Well, eleven years later, a federal judge has finally decided that he doesn’t buy it, and the case has been tossed. What about the Eau de Derriere, you ask? Well Judge Lynch believes this argument is a non-starter, since prisoners in a cell all by their lonesome would still have to smell their own business. More importantly, Judge Lynch busted out some high school math and used the Pythagorean theorem (you remember, that for any right triangle, A-squared plus B-squared equals C-squared) to show that these prisoners weren’t being forced to sleep any closer to the toilets than their single-cell compatriots.
This ruling, of course, appears to dash the hopes of many college freshmen hoping to sue their universities for the cruel and unusual punishment inherent in the criminally small dorm rooms. However, it leaves the door open for lawsuits relating to the cruel and unusual punishment of the horror that is known as dorm cafeteria food.
