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Well, I have a degree from the University of Arizona in modern dance and jazz, but now mostly I do lap.
Today, 49 percent of the 2004 electorate is ecstatic. Democrats have taken over Congress. Rumsfeld is history. South Dakota rejected a ban on abortion. And Arizona voted against a ban on same-sex marriage.
But the happiest man in the country today is a Seattle man named Larry. Larry is a fictional person I created for the purposes of this blog entry. That is not Larry pictured, but it’s how I imagine he might look. Larry works in the gift shop at the Space Needle, where he brings home $405 a week, after taxes. He has no car — he takes the bus to and from work, battling the dreary Seattle weather. He drinks Michelob in a can. He wears an unironic trucker cap on the weekends. His wife is a nag. He spends four nights a week watching scrambled porn on his television after his wife has fallen asleep.
Once a month, Larry sneaks away from his house, telling his wife that he’s playing cards with friends. The truth is, Larry has no friends. In fact, he escapes the clutches of his wife to visit Xotics, a strip joint in Seattle, where Larry wears his trucker cap and drinks Michelob in a can in the company of naked women who — for a fee — pretend that Larry matters in this world. It’s the best day of Larry’s month.
And now, thanks to voters in Seattle, lap dances at Xotics will continue! Indeed, voters rejected Referendum 1, which would have required exotic dancers and their customers to remain at least four feet away from one another. The rule also would have “banned direct tipping of dancers, forced clubs to install brighter lights and prohibited private dances some clubs offer in ‘VIP’ rooms or booths.”
Larry is a happy man, today. He doesn’t really care about Democrats or Republicans. He doesn’t know who Donald Rumsfeld is, but — from what Larry thinks — George Bush is exactly the kind of guy he’d like to grab a cold one with, pull up a chair, and share a meaningless sexual experience with a thigh-bruised skank who is willing to accept payment for lap dances on an installment plan. Good for you, Larry. And Happy Election Day — it just goes to show you that there’s something for everyone. Well, except for Republicans.
