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Welcome to the Jungle, Baby
There is nothing we love more here at QuizLaw headquarters than the law and celebrities who run afoul of it. It gets our blood pumping; our juices flowing, just knowing that someone with more fame and money than we have has to answer to a tacky blue uniform or a judge who has no idea who the celebrity is. And today, we have been blessed with the mother load.
First up, fat man and conservative blowhard, Rush Limbaugh, was arrested last night in a Palm Beach airport when police found a bottle of Viagra on his person. The catch: The Viagra wasn’t in his name. And since Limbaugh was already on probation for doctor shopping for his Oxycontin fix, police detained him for three hours, by which time his erection had subsided and his girlfriend, CNN anchor Daryn Kagan, had to pointlessly spend the evening dressed in her FemiNazi getup blowing on Limbaugh’s little man to no avail. If convicted of the crime, Limbaugh may have his probation revoked. Fortunately, if he has to spend any time in the big house, his cellmates will know to leave him alone.
Next: Axl Rose, bitches. The elusive GNR frontman, who looks like he’s spent the last twenty years alternating between the crack pipe and a box of Ho Ho’s, was arrested last night in Sweden after biting his security guard. Indeed, Rose was allegedly involved in an altercation with a female (who no doubt tried to withhold his fried pie), and in the fracas, attacked, threatened, and bit a security guard who had tried to step in. At the time, Rose was too drunk to answer police questions — either that, or officers simply couldn’t understand what he was saying because he had a hunk of thigh in his mouth. Congratulations, Axl – your emasculation is complete.
Finally, supermodel Naomi Campbell, who looks as though she could stand to eat a little thigh herself, appeared in a Manhattan court yesterday to answer assault charges after she threw her cell phone at a maid over a missing pair of jeans that Campbell accused her maid of stealing. Naomi faces up to seven years in prison and possible deportation if convicted of the crime. This, of course, comes on the heels of a separate lawsuit filed against her by another maid who is blaming Campbell for roughing her up.
My, my, my. Perhaps what is needed here is one of the unholiest of unsexy threesomes: Rush could pop a Viagra and relieve some of Naomi’s tension while Axl sat back with a box of Dunkin Donuts and watched.
