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Urine … You’re Out.

urine.gifToday’s theme: Human waste. Because nothing says funny like pee (and I’m sorry that I didn’t save the account of the postal worker who urinated in his co-workers’ coffee for today).

First up, McKeesport, Pennslyvania, where someone has pled guilty to disorderly conduct after he filled a fake penis with urine he was going to use to pass a drug test and get a job. The hangup: He stuck it in a microwave at a convenience store, prompting the clerk to call the cops, fearing the penis was real.

Second: A woman in Puttnam, Connecticut — who works at a drug treatment center — was arrested for 1) being high on heroin, 2) crashing her car, 3) while pregnant, and 4) having her three-year old daughter in the backseat. The twist: The woman had drugs, a needle, and a bottle of her daughter’s urine in the backseat! Why? She was going to use it to help her husband pass a drug test and get a job.

Third: A woman is Virginia Beach was arrested for drunk driving after police discovered she had a blood-alcohol level of .44, or five times over the legal limit. Police discovered her after a witness called 911 informing them that a woman — behind the wheel of a $50,000 BMW — had passed out. When police arrived, the woman honked her horn at the cops and sprayed windshield wiper fluid on them. The bodily fluid angle: She’d also shat herself. Police had to smash the car window to retrieve her.

Fourth: A Dallas man, with a string of convictions for carjacking, possession, theft, etc., was sentenced to an extra 99 years in prison. Why? Because while he was in jail, he harassed a jailer by throwing his urine on him!

And finally, my favorite entry: Though the accounts differ, at least one witness identified a homeless man who walked into a Shoprite, lined up at the check out line, allegedly climbed upon the conveyor belt, and urinated all over the cash register. The man — who possibly had a weak bladder — is still at large. Cashiers of New York: Beware.

And on a personal note: I was watching “Boston Legal” last night, when I was surprised to hear a witness being referred to as a man by the name of Eugene Volokh. All things considered, it’s pretty cool to give a shout out to the godfather of legal blogs. But, c’mon David Kelly. We’re legal bloggers, we attended your alma mater, and you even spoke at our graduation. Where’s the love, man? Maybe next time one of your characters is arrested for public urination, you’ll think of us, eh?