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That Goddamn Bell Couldn’t Save Everyone

For those of us who came of age during the Reagan/Bush era - before the pop culture landscape became littered with 500 channels of commercialized excrement - there was a certain type of off-network show that provided solace after a long day of geometry problems, bully taunts, and hormonal confusion. I’m not sure what it was about the time period that made these shows so appealing - the influence of John Hughes, trickle-down economics, or a general apathy toward quality - but for some reason, television shows like “Charles in Charge,” “My Secret Identity,” and “Small Wonder,” gave us a modicum of comfort after school and during long, lazy Saturday afternoons. Foremost amongst these shows, and probably highest in terms of vacuity, was the “Saved by the Bell,” juggernaut, which introduced the torrid love affair between Zack Morris and pre-breast implant Kelly Kapowski, the erection-inducing Jessie Spano, the sexually ambiguous A.C. Slater, and the appealingly mentally-challenged Screech (Dustin Diamond), who - contrary to popular opinion - was not related to the Beastie Boys’ Mike D.

Forgotten amongst “Saved by the Bell’s” key players, however, was the token black character, Lark Voorhies (no relation to Jason), who played the vain Lisa Turtle with gleeful aplomb, but who now barely warrants mention in the lore of VH1’s “I Love the 80s.” That is, until today.

As it turns out, there is a reason besides a refusal to pose for a Larry Flynt skin-mags and appear in soft-core porn films that Lark has faded into obscurity. Indeed, according to court papers filed this week in Los Angeles Superior Court, Voorhies has been unable to procure an acting role because the National Enquirer has allegedly libeled her by accusing her of an addiction to nose candy, i.e., cocaine - or what Rick James would call “a hell of a drug.” Lark, understandably, has wiped the encrusted granules off of her upper lip, denied the allegations, and brought suit against the National Enquirer, seeking unspecified damages after the Voorhies feature brought her untold “humilation, embarrassment, hurt feelings, mental anguish, and suffering.”

In other words, Lark Voorhies is trying to raise more money to support her addiction to the white boogies.

Posted by Dustin on May 31, 2006 | Comments (1)