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So, a Lawyer Walks into a Coffee Bar …
Several weeks back, we warned that the most lethal combination in frivolous, pay-out-your-ass personal injury lawsuits were lawyers and coffee, this after a ballerina successfully swindled Starbucks out of $301,000 when of its baristas spilled hot coffee on her footsies.
Well, this week, a lawyer by the name of Peter Sullivan has decided to get into the coffee-lawsuit racket, suing Starbucks for $114 million – the value of around 28.5 million grande macchiatos, by my estimation. And why would a guy want to milk Starbucks out of that much money? Maybe a barista went postal after his screenplay was rejected and he fire-hosed a long-line of customers with scalding-hot coffee? Or perhaps it was discovered that Starbuck’s brand of soy latte causes birth defects? Or was it a lawsuit brought on behalf of all of Starbucks employees after the company raised its health insurance premiums?
No, silly. A $114 million lawsuit for any of the above scenarios might actually sound reasonable, and we’re talking about lawyers and coffee here. No. The reason that Peter Sullivan has decided to file this enormous lawsuit is because his client went in with a coupon for a free grande (that’s medium, for the Starbuck illiterate) beverage and those assholes denied the coupon! As a result, Sullivan’s client felt “betrayed,” so he filed a class-action lawsuit on behalf of the hundreds of customers who were similarly denied the use of their coupons. So betrayal does indeed have a price tag: $114 million.
Tune in next week when a lawyer decides to sue Dunkin Donuts for $500 million upon learning that coffee contains a deadly mixture of sugar and caffeine that makes him feel “jittery.”
