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Now is the time on Sprockets When We Dance
True story: Back in the 9th grade, I had an English teacher, the late Mrs. Maxwell, who I’m not ashamed to admit had a bit of a crush on me. She was one of those cat-owning older ladies with droopy cheeks that liked to smack students in the hand with a ruler when they misbehaved or used grammar improperly. I know she had a crush on me mostly because, out in school hallways, she liked to grab hold of my hand and advise me on matters of the heart, often decrying whatever girl I was “going out” with at the time while stroking the top of my hand. It was harmless, really - except that my classmates, before class would start, would often give me the business, walking to the front of the class and doing their best Mrs. Maxwell impression, using Mike Myer’s “Sprockets” character, Dieter, to express her fondness for me: “Hi. Welcome to ‘Sprockets.’ My name ish Mishus Maxwell. And this is my shlover, Dushty.”
In a retroactive sense, it’s sort of nice to learn that the sort of conduct “Mishus Maxwell” engaged in would not be recognized as sexual harassment, at least in Illinois, where a judge ruled that an art teacher’s singling out of a first-grader - by calling her his girlfriend and telling her that he loved her - did not rise to an unconstitutional level of harassment. During the school year, that poor first-grade girl, known only as Jane Doe, suffered from stress that often caused crying, anxiety, vomiting, and bed-wetting. However, even conduct that led to that sort of anxiety did not constitute conduct that was “severe, pervasive, and objectively offensive” enough to fall within the sexual harassment laws.
It’s probably best that this generation’s first graders aren’t familiar with Dieter yet, lest that first-grade girl take a header out of a first-floor window and scrape her noggin. Here’s hoping, however, that someone takes a big-ass ruler to that teacher’s hand and thwacks off his nerve-endings.
