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No. Screw You

screwdriver.jpgSometimes, the day before the biggest election in two years, we all just need some perspective. Indeed in the wake of the Mark Foley scandal, the Pastor Ted scandal, the macaca scandal, the Delay scandal, the John Sweeney scandal, the Abramoff scandal, the Don Sherwood scandal, and the Jim Gibbons scandal, it’s nice to know that — as low as many of our fine Republicans have stooped — that at least no one has been caught with a screwdriver in their ass.

The same cannot be said of 33-year-old John Sheehan, who was arrested for indecent exposure last week. Police were called to the scene near a subway station, where Sheehan was lying naked on a tree stump, masturbating. When police detained him, they asked the usual round of questions — why are you out in public spanking it, what the hell is wrong with you, and do you have anything dangerous on your person? Sheehan replied by telling authorities that he had a screwdriver in his anus.

Well, of course he did.

Thankfully, however, Sheehan interceded before police could call an ambulance to have the tool removed, saying, “Hey, don’t worry about it. I can do it.” And so he did. While police kept their weapons trained on Sheehan, mindful of the dangers of a fecal-stained screwdriver, the man pulled the metal borer from the clutches of his arse and brought it to safety, where it can once again be used for its intended purpose — the destruction of electronic voting machines in heavily favored Democratic districts.