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Making the Right Choice for Your Children

child%20reading.jpgLet’s hypothesize a little today, okay? Let’s say you’re a parent. And you’ve got two children, both of whom are about to start school. And you’re a person of means, who has the ability to get up and move anywhere in the country you’d like. So, you’re looking for just the right school for your little ones. I’ll give you a few choices, and you make your decision.

A. You can move to Mesa, Arizona, one of the country’s fastest growing cities, where the heat is dry and the Mormons are aplenty (10 percent of the population belongs to the Church of Latter Day Saints). It’s also home to a 14-year-old 8th grader who faces terrorism charges after he confronted a girl with a knife and held her hostage. When he was arrested, police found an arsenal of weapons in his backpack – three knives, a handgun, 28 rounds of ammunition, and some duct tape – which he planned to use for a Columbine-type massacre at school.

B. You could choose Palm Harbor University High, in beautiful Tampa Bay, Florida. It’s close to beaches and home of the Devil Rays baseball team. It’s also where Taylor Tillung used to go to school. That is, until he mooned a teacher and was suspended for six days and transferred to another high school, ruining his senior year – he won’t be able to play varsity baseball (he had hoped to make the team at Florida State) or graduate with his classmates. Just because of a childish prank (granted, he did briefly spread his butt cheeks). You gotta love the fascist school administration here – an ideal place to raise kids, right? (Tilling’s family is suing the school board, seeking to reinstate Tilling at Palm Harbor).

C. Or, you could move to a different Tampa Bay school district from the one above, the Hillsborough County Schools. And why would you want to go there? Because the teachers are brutally honest. Indeed, one 6th grade teacher, Raymond Palmer, felt honesty was the best policy, and as such, took many an opportunity to call one of his students fat. And he now refuses to apologize.

D. Or, you could also go to Spearsville, Louisiana, right outside of New Orleans. The Big Easy. Home of the greatest Mardi Gras celebration in the states. Spearsville is also home to five fifth graders who were arrested on Tuesday. Why? Because during an assembly - in which the school talked with the students about a stabbing death in which a 15-year-old student was accused - four of these fifth graders (ages 11, 12, and 13) snuck off into an unsupervised room and had sex, while one of the kids acted as a lookout.

E. No? You don’t like the idea of fifth-graders having sex with one another? You prefer your children have sex with a more experienced type? Well, in that case, you can move to Merritt Island, Florida, a hop, skip and a jump away from NASA. It’s also where a school teacher, Jennifer Leigh-Manuell, was placed on administrative leave after allegations that she slept with a 17-year-old student surfaced. Older women do make better lovers – maybe that’s what you want for your son?

F. Maybe you don’t want to stay in the states. Maybe you’ve heard great things about the Canadian school system. Well, how about Toronto? Home of the Maple Leafs. The Canadian Hollywood and NYC rolled into one. And you get more bang for your American dollar. There, you could enroll your children in Keele Street Junior Public School, where the elementary school’s principal got so fed up with a student (“I couldn’t take it anymore”) that she threw feces on the child.

It’s a tough choice for parents out there — weigh your options carefully.