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Interweaving Plotlines
Dean Faiello pled guilty yesterday to assault in the death of Maria Cruz, and received a 20 year sentence. Two years ago, Faiella, a cocaine addict, posed as a doctor and offered to perform a medical procedure on Cruz, a financial analyst, to remove hair from her tongue with a laser (what the hell is tongue hair?). Unfortunately, when he gave Cruz her anesthetic, she had a bout of seizures and later died. Afraid of being arrested if he called 911, Faiello instead hid her body under a concrete slab, where it was found 10 months later. Faiello was then extradited from Costa Rica, where he had been working as a go-go dancer.
Talliyah Taylor, meanwhile, decided that a go-go dancer’s get up is too restricting. So when she decided to go drunk driving last night, she did so in the buff (the ideal state for drunk driving). She wound up running into a pedestrian so hard that the poor guy’s body flew up into some electrical wires and got diced up. Taylor’s car then hit a light pole, flew over a chain link fence, and landed upside down in a Lowe’s parking lot. Taylor had to be cut out of the car afterwards; I understand she then made a mad dash into Lowe’s to find the appropriate adhesive to put the pedestrian’s body back together.
Had the pedestrian’s body landed in one of several New York morgues, however, certain morticians would’ve had the hard part of their job taken care of. Indeed, seven funeral directors entered pleas yesterday in a broad-based investigation into the plundering of corpses for spare body parts, which were unloaded onto the black market. The purported ringleader, Michael Mastromarino, desecrated as many as 1,000 bodies, including that of Alistair Cooke, the host of television’s “Masterpiece Theater,” who died in 2004.
Finally, a certain teacher who wanted to make his students understand what the aforementioned Talliyah Taylor was seeing when she ran into that pedestrian has been held liable for negligence. The teacher in question had his students wear “drunk goggles,” which simulated what life would look like if they were legally drunk. He then had them perform certain exercises, such as standing on one leg or shooting a basketball. Lisa Voss, however, tripped and fell while wearing the “fatal vision goggles” and knocked out her teeth. The school district was ordered to pay $28,000 in damages. No word on whether the broken teeth were sold in the black market to make up for the expense.
I understand that sometime last night, frogs also fell from the sky.
