QuizLaw: He Got a Bum Rap, See?

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He Got a Bum Rap, See?

Last week, the Florida District Court of Appeals sided with the Miami Herald in a case brought against the newspaper by the owners of Funny Cide, a former winning horse of the Kentucky Derby. The case arose out of that Kentucky Derby win in 2003, after which the Herald alleged that the horse’s jockey, Jose Santos, used an electronic device to prod the horse on. The allegation was proven false, and the Herald issued a both a correction and an apology.

Nevertheless, the owners sued, claiming that the false allegation motivated Santos to “over-ride” Funny Cide in an effort to vindicate the horse. As a result, the owners claimed that the horse came in third, instead of first, at the Belmont Stakes (this, after Funny Cide won the Preakness).

Of course, the allegation was silly and proving causation was downright impossible, and justice was dutifully served. But the amusing part of this story comes from the judge’s opinion. Judge Gary Farmer decided that he’d had enough of the standard legal opinion and he wanted to write a shorter, more interesting legal opinion (ironically, he does so by using three pages to introduce why he’s decided to write the opinion as such). Farmer aims to do so, in this opinion, by introducing elements of fiction. Sounds like Judge Farmer is going for some of that shoegum fiction – a little Bogartese:

The horse won the Kentucky Derby. Decisively. Tenth fastest time in Derby history. First jewel in the Crown.
Sure, there was some racket in the press afterwards. The Miami newspaper said it saw something in the jockey’s hand, some illegal electric thing, maybe to spark the horse. Turns out the paper was seeing a fantasy in a shadow and retracted the story. But the noise had already begun. Are we looking at a Triple Crown horse?

Then the horse won the Preakness Stakes. And it’s not even close. Wins by nearly ten lengths. The horse is so far out front, looks like he could make it past the wire and into the barn before they can take the photo. Hardly anyone asked if the horse ran out of gas for the Belmont. Are you kidding? Racing was all stirred up about the Crown. The feedbox noise grew hot.
Was it a dream, or did I hear stories about a guy who read in the paper the horse wins it all by a half? About another guy who said it was no bum steer, it was from a handicapper that’s real sincere? Even about a third guy who knew this is the horse’s time because his father’s jockey’s brother’s a friend?

Whatever. It’s a lock. Two jewels for the Crown. Make room for the third.

Only, wait a minute. Did I hear another story about this one guy who wasn’t so sure? Said it all depends if it rained last night?

Anyway for the rest it’s money in the bank. Everyone makes the horse the winner, so why worry about the race?

The horse did not win the Belmont Stakes. Yeah, he finished in the money, best he could do was show. Third place brings some money but not like a win. And it definitely doesn’t make the Crown. The guys in the stories were wrong

Except maybe the one. It was a sloppy track. You sure it didn’t rain last night?

My suggestion to Judge Farmer: A-plus for effort, but don’t quit your day job.