QuizLaw: Did you ever wake up sober after a one night stand, and the person you're next to is lying on your arm, and they're so ugly, you'd rather chew off your arm then risk waking 'em? That's coyote ugly.

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Did you ever wake up sober after a one night stand, and the person you’re next to is lying on your arm, and they’re so ugly, you’d rather chew off your arm then risk waking ‘em? That’s coyote ugly.

In its massive efforts to combat the terrorist-level dangers of public nudity in middle America, law enforcement officials continue to treat this country’s naked women like third-class citizenry. It’s not bad enough that the demise of Motley Crue’s music video career has nearly tripled the unemployment rate for strippers or that strip clubs have been zoned into the outskirts of small-town America, where they have to share strip-mall space with EBay window fronts and wear those itchy, view obstructing tassels to keep their nipples warm. Now a gal can’t even leave her kids in the car for a few minutes while she flashes some skin in exchange for a few $1 bills and ear-piercing catcalls from balding, middle-aged men with Confederate flag belt-buckles and a fondness for untrimmed hair pie.

Indeed, out in Oklahoma, authorities arrested Christy Swing yesterday after she left her kids waiting out in the car of a nearby parking lot at 1 a.m., while she snuck into a bar, hopped onto a table, and took off her skivvies - giving the bar’s patrons an impromptu show featuring the pliant, jiggly flesh of a woman who managed to miraculously avoid giving her kids fetal alcohol syndrome. After police caught site of the children, they arrested Swing (charging, her with public lewdness) and the bar manager (on suspicion of allowing Swing to dance naked).

I just don’t get it. A woman has got to earn a living, right? And it’s not like child care is cheap. Seriously, if America’s white-trash ladies can’t sneak into a tavern minutes before last call and exchange a glimpse of their cho-chas for a few free drinks and some spending money, how the hell do you expect them to be able to make those car payments - and without that 1983 Datsun 280ZX with 192,000 miles on it and an orange fender, where the hell is she gonna park her kids while she’s selling her body? Think, people. Think!

Posted by Dustin on June 8, 2006 | Comments (1)