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Can I get a witness?
In honor of today being 4/20, QuizLaw presents the following dramatic reenactment, which sounds a bit ridiculous while sober, but probably makes perfect sense while high.
[We are in a courtroom.]
GREGORY SHAMOUN: May it please the court, I would like to call Buddy the Donkey as a witness.
[A man leads BUDDY THE DONKEY into the courtroom. As BUDDY cannot fit into the witness stand, he is allowed to stand in front of it. And because donkeys don’t believe in God - trust me on this, as I have it on good authority that donkeys are blasphemous heathens - he is not sworn in.]
SHAMOUN: Buddy, do you understand why you are here today?
[BUDDY stamps his foot twice.]
SHAMOUN: Well, you are aware of the fact that I’m your owner, correct?
[BUDDY stamps his foot once.]
SHAMOUN: And you know that my neighbor, John Cantrell, has sued me because of you, right?
[BUDDY stamps his foot twice.]
SHAMOUN: Buddy, you know that I was trying to build a storage shed in my garden, yes?
[BUDDY stamps his foot once.]
SHAMOUN: And you know that my neighbor, plaintiff John Cantrell, was pissed about this and complained about my shed, correct?
[BUDDY stamps his foot once.]
SHAMOUN: And do you recall when, exactly, I brought you down from my ranch to let you start living in my backyard.
[BUDDY stamps his foot twice.]
SHAMOUN: Your honor, I will stipulate to the Court that, as plaintiff alleges, I brought Buddy into my backyard sometime after Mr. Cantrell’s original complains.
JUDGE: Thank you, Mr. Shamoun. Your stipulation has been noted. You may continue your questioning.
SHAMOUN: Thank you, your honor. Buddy - are you a loud and aggressive animal, as the plaintiff alleges?
[BUDDY emphatically stamps his foot twice.]
SHAMOUN: Do you bray a lot, at all times of day or night?
[BUDDY stamps his foot twice.]
SHAMOUN: And do you, uhm, to put it delicately - do you dump your manure all over the place whenever you feel like it.
[BUDDY pauses for a moment, presumably trying to figure out a way to stamp his way into saying “well, yeah, I’m a donkey for crying out loud.” Ultimately, BUDDY simply stamps his foot once.]
SHAMOUN: Ok, but you don’t defecate maliciously, do you?
[BUDDY stamps his foot twice.]
SHAMOUN: And lastly, Buddy - to your knowledge, did I bring you to stay on my backyard out of any malicious intent to get retribution against the plaintiff?
[BUDDY stamps his foot twice.]
SHAMOUN: Thank you Buddy. No further questions.
[At this time, the proceedings take a recess. Unfortunately, this is where our play ends, because Shamoun and Cantrell settle their dispute, both worried about how the jury would ultimately vote in the case - Shamoun agrees to purchase some of Cantrell’s land in exchange for Cantrell withdrawing his complaint. And so…]
