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“What is your major malfunction?!”

The coach of a junior varsity softball team was sued by a player’s parents because he called players “idiots” and “two-year-old girls.” The lawsuit alleged that the coach was abusing his authority position by intimidating and humiliating the female players. A California court quickly dismissed the case, ruling that a coach can push his or her team to do better, even “using words that in another context would be considered rude, demeaning and even intimidating.”

Taking inspiration from this ruling, if I ever become a team coach, I shall model myself after Gunner Sergeant Hartman (of Full Metal Jacket) with admonishments and motivational gems like: “Tonight, you men will sleep with your bats. You will give your bat a girl’s name because this is the only pussy you people are going to get. Your days of finger-banging Mary J. Rottencrotch through her purtty pink panties are over! You’re married to this piece. This weapon of oak. And you will be faithful.”