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Prison Love

prisonlove.jpgHey! in Florida, a prison guard was arrested yesterday for having sex with one of the female prisoners in his keep. And so Gustavo Coronado now faces a third-degree felony charge of sexual misconduct.

But, it wasn’t his fault, of course. Coronado didn’t actually want to have sex with the inmate. It’s just that, you know, he got so tired of her asking all the time. It was always, like: “C’mon Gustavo. Take me for a spin,” or “Gustavo, are you ever going to do me on my prison bed?” or “Mr. Prison Guard Man – Is that a half-roll of dimes in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” Finally, Coronado just got fed up with it and had sex with the inmate, as he said, “so she would leave me alone.”

And, indeed, the female inmate did admit that she flirted with Gustavo; she wanted to have sex with him to get him busted for bad behavior. So, one afternoon, she took his pen and put it in her locker. Then, after all the other inmates left, Coronado demanded to see what was in the inmate’s locker. And from there, the sexual rendezvous occurred — which lasted somewhere between 30 seconds and a minute.

30 seconds to a minute? Maybe Coronado’s charge ought to be lowered to a misdemeanor — a 30-second sexual “rendezvous” should hardly count as felony sexual misconduct. Maybe he should just be charged with one count of prematurely discharging a loaded weapon and fined for the dry cleaning bill.

Indeed, asked for comment, the female inmate remarked, “Rendezvous?! That wasn’t no rendezvous. It was more like an unannounced drive-by, where he threw his semen out the window and kept on driving. Hell, I’ve taken leaks that were longer and more satisfying.”