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It’s a Good Time for the Great Taste of … Whatever

grease.jpgYou know, I’m a relatively lackadaisical fella. Take, for instance, this example: I went to a McDonalds a while back, ordered myself a chicken sandwich (thinking it must have been the safest thing on the menu) and asked them to hold everything, thinking that condiments would only dilute the fine, fine taste of chemically enhanced, pre-cooked, microwave chicken breasts. But, bastards that they were, I got the works. So, I sent it back. Call me asshole, but if I pay $2.49, I like to get what I ask for. Of course, the second sandwich was no better; they’d just rearranged the condiments, it seemed. And, after I sent that back and tried a third time, I got mustard and a pubic hair to go. You know, whatever – I could’ve done without the mustard, but we all know how tasty pubic hairs can be. So, I tossed the sandwich in the garbage and moved along to the next rest stop, which had Cinnabons — and no matter how hard you try, you can’t screw up a Cinnabon.

Anyhoo, I mention this in light of what happened at a McDonalds in New Hampshire the other day. Guy walks in, orders a couple of double cheeseburgers, plunks down his $2.16, and returns to his table to dig into the fine, fine meal he’d been served. Unfortunately, Thomas Lee Reagan (those wack-job New Hampshirites always have three names, don’t they) wasn’t crazy about his burgers. So, he took it back, arguing that it was greasy. I mean: C’mon. If the worst thing you can say about a McDonald’s hamburger was that it was greasy, you might want to stop and consider the extra calories your $2 just paid for. There is no better bargain.

So, Thomas Lee Reagan returned to the register and suggested that the burgers were not up to his standards (I guess he wanted Angus). The manager of the McDonald’s, in turn, was nice enough, I suppose. He gave Thomas Lee Reagan his money back. But Thomas Lee Reagan wasn’t done – no sir. He started screaming obscenities, enough in fact to force a group of customers with small children to leave.

And then that son of a bitch walked behind the counter and took issue with the cook. The cook, people. At McD’s. It’s like this fella thought he’d just paid $27 for a freakin’ steak. He ordered double cheeseburgers, off the $.99 menu!

Anyway, Thomas Lee Reagan continued to hurl obscenities, yell at the cook, and, finally, throw his food to the ground (I’m sure the employees just picked it up and resold it, but whatever). And then the police showed up.

The officers wound up charging him with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest, at which time, he got in a fight with the officers; threw a punch at one of the officers. They went to the ground, and a second officer at the scene actually used a Taser [gun] on [Reagan].

Both police officers suffered minor injuries. Reagan had a cut on his head that needed nine stitches to close.

You know what, Thomas Lee Reagan? I find that the grease helps to wash down the public hairs. You oughtn’t punch a gift horse in the chops.

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