« May 2009 | Main | July 2009 »

Monthly Archives: June 2009

I have nothing to add…


(Hat tip: Legal Antics)

| Comments (3)

Shot through the heart, and you’ve been sued…

bon-jovi.jpgGood on ya, District Judge Michael M. Baylson. He was writing up a 29-page opinion in a case called AFL Philadelphia v. Krause. AFL Philadelphia would be one of the owners of the Philadelphia Soul, an AFL football team. Jon Bon Jovi is also a team owner. So Judge Baylson did what any good man would do in this situation and included not just football allusions in his opinion, but Bon Jovi song references. To wit:

…the local arena football team the Philadelphia soul … rose in a “Blaze of Glory” to win the 2008 national championship Arena Bowl and then was “Shot Through the Heart” when its 2009 season was cancelled by the League due to financial problems. The team and League remain “Living on a Prayer” that they will return in the 2010 season and beyond. In the meantime, the Philadelphia Soul and a former employee are trading accusations concerning the fall-out of the season’s cancellation, in which they each experienced a taste of “Bad Medicine.”


Although continuing to pursue his counterclaims will be no “Bed of Roses,” Defendant has adequately pled both Lanham Act and misappropriation of name claims such that this Court will deny Plaintiffs’ Motion to Dismiss Defendant’s Counterclaims.

And double good on ya, Judge Baylson, for including a footnote giving your law clerk props for being the one to hook you up with the actual song titles.

Smooth Criminal

mj-lean.jpgOh Florida, I feel so guilty. You just give and give and give, and we just take and take and take.

A fight broke out on a Florida bus when news of Michael Jackson’s death sparked debate over whether he should be remembered as a great musical talent, and one passenger was charged with assault, police said on Friday.

When a passenger got a text about the King of Pop dying, he read it to the bus. The bus driver said MJ should’ve been in jail a long time ago (true), and another passenger noted that “the world just lost a great musical talent” (also true). Well that’s when Henry Wideman sprung into action, getting into a swearing match with the sixty-year-old who had the audacity to call Jackson a talent. And then he pulled a knife and started chasing the dude.

He’s in jail pending aggravated assault with a deadly weapon charges.

(Hat tip Cathleen)

| Comments (2)

What? You think I hung out in the sun too long? I thought I was just getting some nice color…


(This melanoma brought to you by The Smoking Gun.)

Uhm, honey, you got a little something there on your face … yeah, there … and there … and a bit there, too


(From The Sun. She claims she only wanted three stars, not 56, but the story’s a bit suspect, you ask me.)

| Comments (8)

Uhm, dude, you got a little something there on your face … yeah, there … and there … and a bit there, too


(Another friendly booked-criminal from The Smoking Gun, of course,)

| Comments (1)

Is that a shiv in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

dawud-yaduallah.jpgDawud Yaduallah, that happy-go-lucky dude right over there who used to go by the name David Hanley, is an ex-convict and a career criminal. But now he’s also a plaintiff because, free from the confines of prison, he’s he’s filed a federal lawsuit against one of his former prison nurses. He says the nurse gave him a 25% extra dose of one of his meds, which led to him sitting in his cell for 55 hours with a raging hard-on before he was finally taken to the hospital for some treatment.

Yaduallah, 43, claims nurse Judith Lovelace’s diagnostic foul-up left him “irreparably injured” with “severe damage to his penis, including erectile dysfunction, inability to ejaculate and pain during sexual intercourse.”

He now needs a prosthesis “to possibly restore some sexual function” and says “his medical problems have caused difficulty in his marriage,” court papers say.

And yes, I agree — the best of this story is totally the fact that the nurse’s last name is Lovelace.

(H/T: Gawker)

| Comments (2)

This is like a literal “get out of jail free” card

get-out-of-jail.jpgThis is unbelievable. Five years ago, Dwayne Keith Fitzen was serving a 24 year prison sentence in Minnesota, and prison officials decided to transfer him to California. So you know how they had the inmate known as “Shadow” transferred? They gave him a bus ticket and told him to hop on the Greyhound. With no supervision. On a two-day bus trip. And lo-and-behold, he hopped off the bus in Vegas and vanished like a fart in the wind.

The truly amazing thing is that this is a common practice:

Since April 2006, the Bureau of Prisons has allowed 89,794 federal inmates to be transferred without escorts, traveling mainly by bus.

The inmates are pre-screened and considered to be low-risk. And the stat that only about 0.2% of these inmates have fled while the transfer is low, sure. But that still means that 180 felons got a chance to bolt for freedom. How many, for certain, have fled? How many who have fled have been re-snagged? The government doesn’t even know because, in another show of their genius, they don’t even have firm numbers here (although they do know that 77 inmates fled from this program from October 2003 through September 2005, with 17 of them having never been caught). And ok, the vast majority of those being escorted are on their way to halfway houses, where they get to be out in public and what-not anyway. But still, in “the past three years 5,347 federal inmates have been transferred unescorted to minimum-security facilities, more commonly called prison camps.”

Government at work! Sleep safe, citizens.

| Comments (2)

BREAKING, BREAKING — Dapper Don Pinched by the Coppers for Hawking His Homehade Hooch Without a License

…Actually, this fine fella’ was busted for driving with a suspended license (his license had been suspended thanks to a little DUI). But that just didn’t have the same Newsie ring, you know?


| Comments (1)

Want another reason Australians are better than us?

…Their judges say that it’s ok for you to go surfing when you’re out of work on disability because of your supposed bad back. And you can’t be fired for it.

Surf’s up, bra! Have a gnarly weekend!


| Comments (1)

Today’s Lesson in Civic Duty

jury-duty.jpgLook people. I get it. Jury duty isn’t always the most exciting thing in the world. Some obnoxious-yet-boring lawyers blather endlessly to you about how this corporation did something bad but no wait a minute it was that corporation that was really the bad guy, don’t you know? A judge who looks as bored as you feel fights to stake away, managing to do little more than throw out an “overrulled” or “sustained” here and there. And the other people sitting in that jury box with you … holy hell, talk about a bunch of no good mouthbreathers. I get it. I hear ya.

And yet, simply walking away from jury duty, right in the middle of dutying, because you’re bored? Turns out, that’s going to be even worse for ya. Because now, you get to spend up to six months in jail, though you’ll probably get off just finishing your jury duty. So best case, you’re still gonna be a bored juror. Worst case, you’re going to be waaaaay more bored while sitting in the clink (unless another prisoner finds your lips luscious, and then you’ll be longing for the days when you were a bored juror).

| Comments (2)

Their flappy-heads are flapping again

south-park-canadian.jpgYou know, I now see why the South Park movie tried to teach us to blame Canada. It was just a peremptory attack to Canada trying to blame “South Park:”

Two Calgary teenagers have been handed absolute discharges in an assault on a classmate on so-called ‘Kick a Ginger Day.’

Judge Lynn Cook-Stanhope said on Friday she was satisfied the teenagers had taken responsibility for their actions, and she saved her scathing remarks for the animated television show South Park, which she called a “vulgar, socially irreverent program that contributes nothing to society.”

Unfortunately, the writers and producers of the show will never be called to account for encouraging such action, the judge added.

| Comments (5)