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Monthly Archives: May 2009

Would You Hire This Guy? (Part 5)

Welcome to the stunning conclusion of our five-part series where we ask the question “would you hire this guy?” The ads featured in each part of this series come from a recent Esquire piece (with a hat tip to Overlawyered), and they’re all gems. Number Five, Esquire, take it away:

The California Switchblade reminds me a lot of the My New New Haircut guy. And I’d hire the My New Haircut guy before I’d hire the California Switchblade.

Fuckin Jägerbombs.

Would You Hire This Guy? (Part 4)

Welcome to our five-part series where we ask the question “would you hire this guy?” The ads featured in each part of this series come from a recent Esquire piece (with a hat tip to Overlawyered), and they’re all gems. Take it away, contestant Number 4:

Fuck. Yes. My check to The Strongarm is already in the mail!

His last name’s practically “blunt,” so what do you expect?

corrie-blount.jpgCorie Blount is a former NBA player. Now he’s a convicted drug felon. He’s just been sentenced to a year in the clink after pleading guilty to two counts of marijuana possession (which he pled to in order to avoid the two trafficking charges he was also facing). Sounds like the trafficking charges were well-deserved considering the cops intercepted 11 poudts of weed on the way to him via a relative’s house, and found another 18 pounds of the wacky in his house. Said the sentencing judge: “Cheech and Chong would have had a hard time smoking that much.”

Your honor, the defense moves to strike the comment on the basis that it besmirches the good Cheech and Chong’s reputation. There’s no amount of weed that would’ve been too much for them in their prime!

The defense also moves to strike the comment as no longer of the times. A more appropriate reference would be to Harold and Kumar.

Would You Hire This Guy? (Part 3)

Welcome to our five-part series where we ask the question “would you hire this guy?” The ads featured in each part of this series come from a recent Esquire piece (with a hat tip to Overlawyered), and they’re all gems. Entry number three’s is a actually a trio:

Dude, they walk-and-talk like they’re right out of “The West Wing” or the “Law & Order” opening credits. And they know where the door to the courtroom in heaven is. Y’damn straight I’d hire these guys!

Barbie’s Dream House ain’t got nuthin on BarBe’s BBQ Joint

kts-bbq.jpgThis place right here is K.T.’s Barbecue, in Reading, Ohio. Dunno if the barbecue there is any good, but their new advertising is top notch. Owner Kenny Tessel was having trouble with business, which had dropped 40% thanks to the shitballs economy. So he decided to employ Ms. BarBe Q to advertise for his joint. The bikini-clad mannequin was placed out front, and business began a-booming. Understandable, because who wouldn’t stop at a food joint with a hottie-bo-bahty like this out front:


But some of the neighbors think its abhorrent. So a hearing was held before the local zoning panel, which ultimately ruled that BarBe could stay up, as long as her plentiful rack remains covered. K.T. plans to appeal the decision and says he’s putting her back in a bikini once it warms up.

Best thing about this story is that we get a picture like this:


Would You Hire This Guy? (Part 2)

Welcome to our five-part series where we ask the question “would you hire this guy?” The ads featured in each part of this series come from a recent Esquire piece (with a hat tip to Overlawyered), and they’re all gems. Mr. Lawyer Number Two, take it away:

“The hell-hole you call a marriage.” “Piece of crap, three-piece suit.” “Blow your brains out.” “That vermin you call a spouse.” Yeah, the guy’s got a way with words. But I’d be more likely to hire the Steve Miller Band than Steve Miller, Esq. So no, I would not hire the Get the Divorce guy.

Suddenly there’s a whole lot more work for the Legislature to do…

stupidity.jpgMassachusetts’ state Senate has finally moved forward in enacting legislation that would ban folks from texting while driving. While similar bills have come up before, the state Senate has always shot them down:

Similar legislation passed overwhelmingly last year in the House, but key senators argued that they did not want to “legislate against stupidity.”

So, yeah, they’re going to start legislating against stupidity now. And with the state Senate sitting in Boston and all, I figure we’re about two weeks away from A Bill Banning All Yankee Fans From the Commonwealth because, as we all know, Yankee fans are the height of stupidity (the Phillies won the weekend series against the Yanks, so yeah, this is me gloating — suck it, Yanks!).

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Would You Hire This Guy? (Part 1)

Welcome to our five-part series where we ask the question “would you hire this guy?” The ads featured in each part of this series come from a recent Esquire piece (with a hat tip to Overlawyered), and they’re all gems. So here’s contestant number 1:

Ripping our hearts, severed heads, every single dime? Yes, I would most definitely hire The Hammer!

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BREAKING: California Supreme Court Upholds Discrimination

no-gay-marriage.jpgCalifornia’s high court has upheld last year’s passage of Proposition 8, meaning gay marriage is officially no longer legal in California. Because the gays getting married is what caused our state to be on the brink of financial ruin, don’t you know?

The Court was unpersuaded that the Prop needed to be a Constitutional Amendment. Comforting to know it’s that easy to get around that pesky equal protection clause.

The 18,000 gay marriages that took place before Prop 8 passed will remain in effect, however.

And this is but the latest example of why California’s fucking proposition-based government is awful and needs to be thrown out the window. Because the public is stupid and should not be allowed to legislate. Particularly when these props amount to little more than well-financed issue groups and self-interested companies and organizations manipulating the public to vote for things the public doesn’t really understand. Awesome system.

But now that the gays can’t marry, I think this state will be on the road to recovery! And don’t worry, gays, you can head off to New England and give those states your money, if this whole marriage thing is so important to you.

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Sue-per-man is not amused!

guinness-book.jpgEveryone’s favorite litigant, Jonathan Lee Riches, is back. And as always, it’s a peach. The Guinness Book of World Records plans to name Riches the most litigious human being ever. And so, of course, he’s suing them to prevent this. His lawsuit, which seeks an injunction, claims that they’re going to print false information about him, and he also objects to the various names they plan to call him: “Patrick Ewing of Suing,” “Sue-per-man,” “Johnny Sue-nami,” the “Duke of Lawsuits” and “The Litigator Crusader.”

But his lawsuit seems to be tailor made for Guinness’ own defense:

“I’ve filed so many lawsuits with my pen and right hand that I got arthritis in my fingers, numbness in my wrists, crooked fingers,” he wrote - by hand - in the latest filing. “I flush out more lawsuits than a sewer.”

It’s safe to say that the court will likely throw this case out, yet again denying Mr. Riches his day in court. One day, Jonathan. One day, that arthritis will be worth it. Keep hope alive!

(Hat tip: Overlawyered)

Of course, it is a waste of a perfectly good pint of ice cream

portland-maine.jpgDustin keeps trying to tell me that his new home of Portland, Maine is a wonderful place. Yeah, sounds great:

A woman who threw a pint of ice cream through a store window after a clerk refused to sell her beer was fined and given a suspended jail sentence Monday.

Jamie Cahill, 26, most recently of Portland, Maine, pleaded guilty in Portsmouth District Court to a class A misdemeanor count of criminal mischief. Prosecutor Rena DiLando told the court that Cahill went to the convenience store at Heath’s Mobil in Sept. of 2007, when a clerk refused to sell her beer, then she purchased ice cream.

After Cahill left the store, the pint of ice cream was thrown through a plate glass store window, according to police.

I’m not belittling the town because of the incident, itself. Rather, my problem is with it allowing store clerks to rampantly refuse to sell beer to the area’s fine citizens. Store deserved to have ice cream hucked through its window, pulling shit like that, you ask me.

I’ll gladly give you a beating today for a cheeseburger today

mcdonalds-cheeseburger.jpgFran MacLaren is suing her local McDonald’s because … well, I’m not sure. Last April, she was having lunch at the McDonald’s and, as she left, she gave a cheeseburger to a homeless man chilling in the parking lot. He said he didn’t want the burger, and threw it at MacLaren. She called him an ungrateful bastard, and he attacked her, breaking her nose and causing several other injuries.

So now she’s suing the homeless guy, McDonald’s and a nearby liquor store (which had kicked the man out just before the McDonald’s incident).

According to the suit, both husband and wife allege that the McDonald’s and the nearby liquor stores, “knew, or should have known, that their mode of operating their particular stores attracted persons prone to criminal acts and provided an environment to crime.”

The suit states that both stores failed to provide a reasonably safe place for their customers.

What the hell was this McDonald’s doing, what mode was it operating in, that it was attracting criminals? Pre-fucking-posterous.

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The latest in criminal defense theory

criminal-defense.jpgWillie James Maye, of Buffalo, has crafted an interesting new legal argument. Last month, he was busted for selling weed out of his car. He had parked his Chevy Suburban across from a local bar, and was selling his goods tothe patrons of said bar. The cops received a complaint and rolled up on Maye, where they found him in possession of 26 grams of weed.

Mayes’ defense?

“Man, it’s just weed. I could be selling crack.”

Meanwhile, a Florida (of course) man recently crashed his SUV through the window of the State Attorney’s office. Jonathan James Sweat was suspected of being drunk, but when he was taken to the police department, he passed his breath test and didn’t otherwise show signs of being drunk. Worried anyway, Sweat went to his own defense, spontaneously stating that he couldn’t be arrested for a DUI because he hadn’t been drinking. He’d just been smoking weed.

So sometimes, “it’s just weed, it ain’t crack,” is the way to go. Other times, you should cop to weed with the “I ain’t drunk, I’m high” defense. When is the right time for which defense? Well, only you can figure that out in the moment. We can’t do all the work for you — we can just give you the tools to defend yourself.

The best Florida story of the week…

the-lion-king.jpgI’ve been posting Florida stories all week, but this right here is the winner. A car thief was almost busted by the victim of said theft. The victim (who “only wants to be known as Mustafa because he is concerned for his safety”) had his Crown-Vic stolen. The car was found a few days later, though it was missing some of its contents. Including Mustafa’s laundry.

A few days later, Mustafa saw a dude walking down the street. Wearing his clothes. So he called the cops and then marched over to the man to ask where he got his sharp duds. Man ran. Mustafa chased.

And then things got weirder, because Mustafa realized someone was chasing him. With a gun.

Mustafa: “After he hit me across the face with the gun, I said what you going to do, shoot me in front of all these people? He said no, I’m going to shoot your old lady, so he went over and started pointing the gun at her.” (Mustafa had left his girlfriend and kids in the car.)

There was a stand-off for a while, which ended when the gunman shot Mustafa. In the ass.

At the time of this story, last weekend, the car thief and the shooter remained at large.

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The latest edition of “Some Headlines Speak for Themselves”

miss-piggy.jpgFrom TCPalm.com:

Man, 66, arrested after hunting hog to celebrate son’s release from jail

Florida, natch.

You can’t spell “menage a trois” without three of the letters in “murder”

menage-a-trois.jpgFlorida. Menage a trois. Of course it ended in death.

Last August, the body of Nestor Estefani was found in the home of his boyfriend, Dr. Cody Smith. Smith wasn’t home at the time and, it seeks, Estefani picked up two men for a little fun time. One guy, Keith Scruggs, Estefani knew. The other, Johnny Collins, was new. According to Scruggs, they went back to the good doctor’s home with Estefani, planning to rob Estefani after some bumpy-bumpy.

But while Scruggs was out on the patio having a smoke (so he claims), Collins killed Estefani by slicing his throat ear-to-ear.

The cops eventually tracked the pair down because Collins left a fingerprint on a Nintendo Wii, and he left some of his semen on Estefani. Both now face murder charges, along with some other related charges.

The article ends by noting that Dr. Smith, “reached by phone, declined to comment.” Really? Jeez, I wonder why an ER doctor wouldn’t want to talk about his boyfriend being brutally murdered as a result of having a tryst while the doctor was away on business? Makes no sense to me.

It’s funny cause it’s true

laughing-man.jpgThe always solid Overlawyered dug up this great quote from the Yale Book of Quotations which I just had to reprint:

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail. If it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.”
— H.L. Mencken

True dat, H.L. True dat.

If things go well I might be showing her my O-face

oregon-ducks.jpgThis is just silly. A woman in Eugene, Oregon is embroiled in a battle with the University of Oregon over the school’s football stadium. Specifically, McKay Sohlberg is pissed off about the big three-story “O” that’s plastered on the side of Autzen Stadium.

The “O” sign rises like a neon moon over the tops of deciduous trees as seen from Sohlberg’s high, south-side home.

Reader Amy, who tipped us off to the story, summed the situation up thusly:

Now I’ll admit that I’m a huge Duck fan, so I may be biased, but seriously — don’t live in a football town and think you’ll be able to escape it entirely. The citizens of Eugene and fans of Oregon everywhere are proud of their teams and the UO won’t likely be told by the city that the “O” has to be removed. The woman doesn’t even actually care that the “O” is there, as evidenced by the fact that there is a 50% larger “O” on the stadium that is going unpetitioned against. It is simply that she can see it. Little pathetic….

Go Ducks!

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W@ should i say 2 ans his Q?

text-message.jpgTurns out judges don’t like it when witnesses text-message from the stand.

While the judge and attorneys conferred, a courtroom spectator passed a note to a defense attorney saying the witness, Sky Development chief operating officer Gavin Sussman, appeared to be text-messaging Sky chief executive Yizhak Toledano at the plaintiff table.

Things got quite hot after that:

“Let me be really frank about this,” the judge said. “I never had this happen before. This is completely outrageous, absolutely outrageous.”

Toledano responded, “It was on a break.”

Silverman shot back: “It doesn’t matter. You are communicating about the case and the subject matter of the case with a witness who is currently under oath and before the jury,”

Toledano said, “I’m sorry, after we took the break, it’s not in the middle.”

The judge explained himself again.

“It’s a problem on your communicating with the witness about his testimony whether it’s before the break, after the break and during the break while he’s testifying,” he said. “This is outrageous.”

The defense asked for a mistrial and got it, but they’re going to take it a step further and seek an outright dismissal of the case. They may get it, too, in light of the fact that this witness has been previously involved in an improper communications flap:

[T]he executive was chastised by a magistrate who served as a referee at a March 9 deposition for passing a note to the witness.

“During a tense period of cross-examination, Mr. Sussman slid over to the witness a note … which said, ‘Don’t worry about pleasing him, just say no.’ That’s a backdrop that came out” during the mistrial arguments before Silverman, Petros said.

This is the best political story ever

stormy-daniels.jpgWhat’s not to love about a story that starts like this:

His résumé includes four years in the U.S. Senate, a seriously homophobic voting record, and a tab with “D.C. Madam” Deborah Jeane Palfrey.

Her résumé includes such prestigious titles as Tit Happens and Super Size Meat.

I’m so happy right now. If you haven’t heard, Stormy Daniels, an accomplished porn star, is considering a Senate run, challenging Louisiana Senator David Vitter’s seat. Last week, she took a “listening tour,” hitting up some local bars and delis to see what the grassroots “Draft Stormy” campaign is all about (it was started by some New Orleans college student who, I suspect, was hoping to bang a porn star as the result of his efforts).

What’s great about this story is that it means I can run off and watch flicks like Operation: Destert Stormy, Thumpin Melons, and Dumb Blonde in the name of political research. Awesome.

Oh, and if Stormy decides not to run, that’s ok, because she’s always got Secretary of Sex as a backup gig.

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Yeah, this is a big Obama disappointment

“The Daily Show” called Bush and his cronies out on all their bullshit for eight years. And it’s good to see that they’re willing to call out Obama when he’s responsible for some bullshit of his own.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c
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The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c
Dan Choi Is Gay
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The Real Law School Rankings

beerWench.jpgSure, the U.S. News & World Report rankings may be the ones every looks at when seeing how “good” a law school is, but the more important rankings are the brand new Party Law School Rankings. Arizona State comes in number 1, and Baylor comes in dead last at 102.

While I applaud the idea of this list, I call bullshit on it, as my alma matter BU comes in way down at 75. The list purports to be put together based in small part on “alcohol access” and in large part on surveys which asked about general student happiness, going out, alcohol and drug consumption and dateability.

But here’s the thing — those surveys were done by sending e-mails to students and asking for a response. But of course, if students are out boozing and having a good time they’re not going to bother responding to some bullshit survey e-mail. The site purports to have accounted for this:

We spammed current law students with a “Please take our survey” email. We considered using the amount of responses per school as a factor in the rankings, as students with enough free time to answer such a frivolous email probably deserve recognition, but we were concerned about punishing schools for spam detection.

If any school had a low response rate, we dispatched campus reps to directly collect survey answers. Every survey contained five questions from each of the four categories below (20 questions total.)

Bullshit. The amount of response is way important — a school loaded with the type of tools who are answering spam e-mail surveys rather than out partying aren’t exactly fun times. And I’m not sure I believe that this site actually went onto campuses to conduct in-person surveys but, even if they did, now the whole list is thrown off. Because people are going to answer a survey in-person differently than via e-mail, so you can’t fairly compare those numbers and results.

So I officially declare shenanigans on this list. Shenanigans!

(Hat tip: TaxProf Blog)

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Look, in these tough economic times, she’s just trying to teach the lil’ ones to appreciate what they have

george-is-getting-lazy.jpgA March story from WMAR-TV:

A kindergarten teacher in Connecticut has been arrested for allegedly forcing a 5-year-old boy to eat food the child had thrown in a garbage can.

Sixty-seven-year-old Anne O’Donnell, a teacher at Park City Magnet School in Bridgeport, was arrested Tuesday on a charge of risk of injury to a minor.

School officials say the charge stems from an incident last week when the boy apparently tossed out his lunch of chicken nuggets and a banana from the school cafeteria.

The teacher is accused of retrieving the items from the garbage can and forcing the boy to eat them in front of her. O’Donnell has been released on a promise to appear in court.

Reminds me of that episode of “Seinfeld” when George got busted picking food out of the trash. See, he was just thinking ahead, of the rough economic waters that were to come. George is saving some money!

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Yeah. But What a Way To Go

atlascopco_drill.jpgIn the be careful what you wish for department: Have you ever wanted to be fucked by a jackhammer? Maybe you should rethink that:

Sheriff’s investigators have closed the unsettling case of a 49-year-old female construction worker found dead in her driveway after a neighbor witnessed her using a high-powered jackhammer to pleasure herself.

After a two-day investigation in which officials initially suspected foul play-Shirley Dent’s death on May 1 has now been ruled an accident “after severe internal distress induced by the machine was discovered,” Det.-Sgt. Karl Sprout of the Alpara County Sheriff’s Office said yesterday.

On May 1, a neighbor witnessed a naked Ms. Dent in her driveway “struggling to direct a jackhammer toward her mid-section.” The alarmed neighbor notified police after hearing ear-splitting moans of distress that carried over the raucous jackhammer. Authorities arrived at the scene to an unresponsive Ms. Dent, who was then transported to West Grenier Hospital where she was pronounced dead shortly thereafter.

But here’s the best part:

A neighbor who declined to be identified said, “She was a horny lady, especially after her husband moved out. My family could hear moans coming from her place all the time.”

Horny? That is the most amazing understatement I’ve ever heard.

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It’s a good thing there’s not much call for lawyering up in Maine…

wheel-boot.jpg…because if Michael Harman is any indication, the lawyers up there are idiots. Harman has failed to pay at least three parking tickets that have been slapped on his truck. So when the Bangor police found his truck, recently, they threw a boot on it. You know, them big ugly hunks of metal that make it rather impossible to drive your car.

Well, Harman decided to try driving his truck away anyways. Didn’t work out so well:

“The metal device was found to be lodged under the vehicle’s wheel well when Mr. Harman tried to drive away, causing damage to his truck and the immobilization device,” [Sgt. Paul] Edwards said.

Harmon was busted by the cops, naturally, and he pulled out a checkbook to pay the tickets. After cutting a check, the cops took off the boot and let him go, though he’s facing a charge of criminal mischief for his stupid attempt to drive off.

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Florida women do it with brains!

smart-women.gifSheila Sue Williams is the kind of woman I want to marry, because she’s smart and industrious — when she was recently looking for a pay phone to call her mother, and was unable to find one, she did the smart thing and asked a cop where to go. He suggested the nearby Denny’s, and Williams asked for a ride there.

That’s when things went south, however, because, while the cop decided to run her ID before letting her in the car. And whoopsie-daisy, seems that Williams had an outstanding arrest warrant.

And just to make things worse, when the cop searched her prior to putting her in the car (where she would now be going to the clink, rather than Denny’s — a decided improvement from a quality-of-food view of things), he found a crack pipe on her.

Williams, when you get outta jail, come look me up and we’ll get hitched.

Jimmy Fallon Should Never Be Number 1

letterman.jpgFrom OhMyGov’s weekly breakdown of the best political jokes:

1. “After they finished the meal, Obama put the duct tape back over Biden’s mouth.” —Jimmy Fallon

2. “Six billion dollar loss. You know what that means? Somebody is in line for a pretty good looking bonus.” —David Letterman

3. “Obama and Joe Biden went there yesterday for lunch as well. But there was kind of an embarrassing moment when they went in and found that the guy behind the counter taking orders was Rod Blagojevich.” —David Letterman

“Spiderman, Tinky Winky and Oompa-Loompa spend night in the cells after fancy dress brawl”

spiderman.jpgThis entry’s title, was a real headline from the UK’s Daily Mail. One more time:

“Spiderman, Tinky Winky and Oompa-Loompa spend night in the cells after fancy dress brawl.”

I mean, I don’t even know what to do with that. Just go read the damn thing yourself.

Floridian Tennis

graham-brunson.jpgNo, no, you got it all wrong. This guy here isn’t some beat up loser. Because this comes from Florida, so he’s a winner. A winner, I says.

Don’t believe me? Dig it.

Graham Brunson was chilling out at Bayfront Inn, a local bar. He got a bit rambunctious, “yelling obscenities and disturbing customers at the bar, according to an arrest report.” So security asked Brunson to leave and Brunson did what any reasonable man would do. He took a piss on the bar.


The police showed up and, rather than taking it like a man, Brunson ran. He was found hiding in the pushes and he ran again. Cause that’s how he rolls.


He was caught again, but he wasn’t going down without a fight. No sir. So he fought. Sure, he may have lost the physical battle. But moral victory was his.


See? Winner!

Is this a new type of loan remodification?

loan-modification.jpgRussell Bileci is a real peach. The Oakland man borrowed $100 from Maurice Williams, promising to pay him back later that night. But Bileci apparently decided that he didn’t want to shell out a Franklin to cover his debt, so he told Williams that he would repay his debt by letting Williams have sex with his 46-year-old girlfriend of six years.

The girlfriend, needless to say, knew nothing about this. In fact, she was asleep at the time Bileci and Williams made the deal. Bileci and his girlfriend live in a downtown residential hotel, and Bileci let Williams into their room. Bileci then sat in the room and quietly watched as Williams began sexually assaulting the woman. This went on for a half-hour, until cops showed up, after being called by other residents who heard the woman’s screams, and arrested both Williams and Bileci.

The duo now face eight felony counts that could land them in the clink for over 30 years. Over a hundred freaking dollars. Asshats.

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patrol-car.jpgAh, Florida. I’ve missed you so. Polk County, Florida is where we find a 44-year-old deputy who was forced to resign late last month. This is because his peach of a wife and mother-in-law thought it would be a good idea to take the patrol car out for a joyride. Turns out, the authorities frown on that sort of thing. Wife and her mum were arrested, and now face charges of vehicle theft, firearm theft, and impersonating an officer. Oh, and since the guy’s wife is also a convicted felon, she gets a bonus charge for firearm possession.

The thing of it is, it’s a shame that the deputy had to quit. I mean, sure, he shows bad judgment by being married to a felon who is inclined to take cop car joyrides. But he didn’t know the car was taken, so he’s really more stupid than anything else. And if we’ve learned anything here at QuizLaw, it’s that there’s never really been a threshold intelligence standard for cops. Especially in Florida.

(Hat tip to Cathleen)

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Economies of Scale

So how significant is it that the Obama administration is going to trim $100 million out of the budget. Not so much, it turns out. NPR’s “Planet Money” recently did a more detailed discussion about our ability to comprehend scale when we’re talking about such big numbers, but for this particular point, this video does the trick quite nicely:

(Hat tip: Concurring Opinions)

See, nationalizing the banks is an f’ing fantastic idea