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Monthly Archives: April 2009

Today’s Story Brought to You By the Letter “D” for “Dirty”

dumpster.jpgUp in Canada, eh, a 30-year-old woman and her 26-year-old male friend were discovered by a police officer who had been called to the area because of suspicious activity. When he arrived, eh, he heard noises coming out of a nearby dumpster. He looked in and (likely after yelping something like “what’s this all aboot, buddy?”) found the couple naked and, uhm, coupling.

The woman was sent on her way, but the guy was arrested on some unrelated charge (unspecificied in the article, so probably some outstanding warrant or some souch).

When the man was later asked for a statement, he said, “I’m Oscar the Grouch and I fuck where I wants, son!”

(Hat tip to reader Kecia)

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I am so smart, I am so smart. S-M-R-T!

kiss-me-smrt.jpgMany might argue that, on the whole, society’s getting dumber by the minute. Well to whatever extent folks are getting dumber, lawyers are getting dumberer!

This, according to some study by the Centre for Market and Public Organisation. Comparing the IQ scores of lawyers born in 1958 and 1970, the study found that the older group did about 11 percent than the average Joe, while the 1970’s group only did 8 percent better. This three-percent drop “was a greater fall than the majority of other professions where the gap narrowed by about 1 percentage point.” So lawyers are still smarter than the average bear, but not by as much as they used to be. Doctors, teachers and bankers all got dumber too, just not as precipitously fast as us law-talking guys. We rule!

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Wacky t-shirts speak the truth!

This guy’s the best. Not content to just buy a hi-lar-ious t-shirt from his local Spencer’s Gifts, he decided to take things to the next level by making the shirt’s dream a reality. Good on ya, sir. Good on ya.


(From The Smoking Gun, as always.)

Things not to do on an airplane…

airplane-wing.jpg…Ram your seat back as quickly as possible the second the dinger dings and the light goes off, ensuring that the person behind you gets a swift shot to the knees.

…Call the stewardess flight attendant “Sweet Tits McGee” or “Bulging Sac McBuster.”

…Tell the mother with the crying baby to shut her kid’s piehole or you’ll shut it for them both.

…Stand up and start pissing on the person sitting next to you.

Yeah, turns out that last one will get you up to 21 days in the clink.

Well how do you really feel?

Nicole Marty is a girl after my own heart. Not so much because she was arrested for crashing her car into a utility pole due to bein high on the drugs. Or because her young daughter was also in the car (injured but, thankfully ok). Or because she injured the cop who was guarding her while she was in the hospital.

Rather, it’s because she didn’t pull any punches in expressing herself when it came time for the eventual mugshot.


(From The Smoking Gun of course.)

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Duct Tape Saves the Day Again!

duct.jpgJudges may want to consider keeping a roll of duct tape sitting next to them on the bench at all times. That way, if they want to follow Idaho Judge Peter D. McDermott’s lead, they’ll be good to go.

McDermott recently got fed up with a defendant in his court room who was being disruptive, so he ordered the guy’s mouth to be sealed up with duct tape.

During Monday’s hearing, [Nicklas] Frasure interrupted the proceedings with repeated verbal outbursts and unusual behavior and ignored several orders from McDermott to restrain himself. After another series of outbursts, McDermott told bailiffs to silence Frasure.

The bailiffs then found a roll of duct tape, tore off a piece and put it over Frasure’s mouth, according to the Idaho State Journal.

When asked for a comment about Judge McDermott after the hearing, Fraser was reported to say, “phee’s a mmmphfer-fffcker.”

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David Adkins finds a way to once again be culturally relevant, sort of

sinbad.jpgYou might know David Adkins better as Sinbad, that hunky dude right over there. Jingle All the Way, Good Burger, Houseguest … he’s the bringer of joy into all of our lives. But lately, he’s been flying under the radar. All that’s changed now, however, as the California’s latest list of the state’s biggest tax evaders has been released. Because right there at number 7 on the list is Mr. Sinbad himself. Dude owes over $2.5 million to the state. He’s one of three celebrities on the list, with Dionne Warwick right on his tail in the number 9 spot, owing over $2.1 million (the third celebrity, Burt Reynolds, ranks a paltry 244, owing $225,000).

Number one on the list is a Mister Winson T Lee who owes the state a hefty $9.9 million! If I made enough money that I owed almost $10 million in taxes, I’d not only be paying my taxes, but I’d be bragging about it to everyone.

As for Sinbad, the most recent entry on his IMDB page is a 2008 flick called Cuttin Da Mustard. Sounds like someone needs to explain to Sinbad that not paying your taxes most certainly does not cut da mustard.

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Nothing cheers me up on a busy work day like some Southern hijinks

pbr-can.jpgBusy busy beaver at work at the moment, so let’s cut right to the chase. A 52-year-old Texas woman showed up to a wake in Arkansas with a can of beer (“nothing drowns the sorrow like PBR!”). When asked to leave, she grabbed some dude’s face, scratching him up. So dude’s mom slaps the the drunk lady and kicks her in the chest. Despite her protestation that “no backwood country cop” was going to take her to jail, the drunk lady was, indeed, hauled off. As was the chest-kicking mommy.

Back to work I go, a little happier for knowing of this tale.

(Hat tip to reader Laura)

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Let’s see you do that, Twitter!

twitter.jpgThe folks that run Facebook are, if you believe the press, running amuck with concern that Twitter is the next big thing that will lay waste to Facebook’s paper value and user base. But Facebook, not Twitter, is what helped save the day for one theft victim:

It all happened on March 13 when [Carla] Mote and a friend were out for drinks at a local Philly eatery. Mote sat at the bar…. To her left sat her friend Stacy.

As the two sipped wine, chatting and catching up, a suited young man sat down to the right of Mote. He was visibly intoxicated, she says, and almost immediately he started behaving oddly…..

The night went on, the bar-restaurant filled up, the man got more drunk. “At one point I heard the bartender say to (the perp), ‘I’ll serve you food but I can’t give you any more drinks’, so the guy was definitely wasted.”

Then the dude got up to leave. But Mote said she could feel him awkwardly shuffling around next to her at the crowded bar. Little did she know he was preparing to drunkenly steal her computer bag, with taxes and wallet inside. Did we mention she’s a senior level staffer and the computer contained delicate data? She is, it did.

By 9:15-9:30pm, Mote and friend had wrapped up their conversation and were ready to leave. Ta da, the bag was gone, and based on the drunk guy’s oddness, Mote’s inner detective sensed the guy who had been next to her was to blame. So she asked the bartender for the guy’s name — he had used a credit card. He gave it to her, so she ran to the front desk and asked if there was a phone number for, we’ll call him, Melvin Bransky (we made that name up) — there were two numbers, one local and another from St. Louis (the man’s city of origin has also been changed).

And Facebook status updates tell the rest of the tale, sorta (you can read the longer non-statusy rundown over at mediabistro):


(Hat tip: Gawker)

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Well fiddle-dee-sticks, this here arrest is the spot of oil done wasted my perfectly good bucket of water


(From The Smoking Gun, as always.)

Aussie politics is so much better than our US baloney

pocket-rocket.jpgDanny Lim is a Sydney politician (I don’t understand a lick about Australian politics, but it sounds like he sits on the city council, as a representative of Strathfield, a Sydney suburb). Back in February, he lodged a motion with the city council, directed towards Virginia Judge, who is the NSW Fair Trade Minister (again, I don’t know nuthin’ bout no Australian politics, so don’t ask me what that means).

But even though I don’t know anything about Aussie politics, I do know that this is awesome — Lim’s motion was for the city council to buy a vibrator so that Judge could literally go screw herself (in the words of the motion, it was so she would “stop screwing with the people of Strathfield and screw herself instead”).

Awesome, right?

Well others weren’t amused — the council refused to table the motion and Judge lodged a complaint which led to the cops being called to investigate Judge’s harassment claim.

I’m Good Enough, I’m Smart Enough and, Doggone It, The Court Likes Me

stuart-smalley.jpgSo there’s still a little Senate race going on in Minnesota, even though the election was five months ago. Comedian Al Franken beat out incumbent Norm Coleman and Coleman didn’t take his loss siting down. Recounts and court challenges ensued, and they continue to ensue. The final vote tally has Franken leading by 225 votes, although there are still outstanding absentee ballots to be counted. Coleman was hoping to have about 1,400 of them recounted, with a chance for a come-from-behind win resulting.

However, following a seven-week trial, a court has now ruled that only 400 absentee ballots will be counted, meaning Coleman needs to have at least 313 of them go his way, something that’s not expected to happen as many of those ballots come from counties that Franken took significant wins in. Coleman will likely move things into the federal judiciary, and nobody knows exactly when this thing will be over for reals, but the signs continue to point to Franken being the next Minnesota Senator, sometime, somewhen.

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