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Monthly Archives: February 2009

The Breastmilk Joke Would Be Way Too Easy Wouldn’t It?

isp_coffeelove-copy.jpgLook. A Maine story. A Maine story about topless women. I live in Maine! Maine is cold. Topless women in Maine can cut glass. And poke your eye out!

A topless coffee shop that raised the ire of many residents of a small central Maine town is open for business.
The Grand View Topless Coffee Shop, located at the site of the former Grand View Motel, opened its doors Monday on busy Route 3 in Vassalboro. A sign outside says, “Over 18 only.” Another says, “No cameras, no touching, cash only.”
On Tuesday, two men sipped coffee at a booth while three topless waitresses and a bare-chested waiter stood nearby. Topless waitress Susie Wiley said men, women and couples have stopped by.

I’m sorry, but I really wouldn’t want to drink my coffee while a topless woman was walking around. It’s just a very uncomfortable thought. Coffee, scones and boobs? No. That’s not a good combination.

What’s even more amazing about this coffee shop: There were 150 applicants for 10 positions. In Maine. The last place in the U.S. you want to be walking around without a sweater. Damn economy.

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God Bless the Coen Brothers

Here’s a fun little commercial naysaying the idea of a “clean” coal industry put together and directed by the Coen Brothers, although I’m not sure why both of them were needed for a 30-second spot. That’s just how they roll, I reckon.

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See, American cops don’t have the patent on lazy incompetance

dog-poker.jpgFYI, across the pond, a “pensioner” is a retired bloke:

A pensioner who went to a police HQ over a burglary yards away was sent home - because 14 cops there were playing poker.
Graham Hall, 69, was told the building was shut - and a guard gave him a fridge magnet with a non-emergency number. The former financial adviser said: “I’m flabbergasted. You can’t even report a crime at police HQ.
“A crime was committed on their doorstep but not one person could be bothered to come out to talk to me because they were gambling. They would rather play cards than catch criminals.”
Graham dialled the fridge magnet number and was told an officer would ring back. He has heard nothing a week on.

(Source: UK Mirror)

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Might Have Shoulda Considered Cremation, Eh?

s80_hearse.jpgKeep this in mind when your grandma dies and you can’t afford her funeral expenses:

A funeral director accused of leaving a woman’s body to decay in a parked hearse after her relatives failed to pay the bill was arrested on a felony charge of abusing a corpse, police said Wednesday. Watson and Sons Funeral Home embalmed the remains of Edna Kathleen Woods, 52, after she died of natural causes in November 2007, said Gadsden police Sgt. Jeff Wright. Relatives wanted the body cremated but failed to sign the necessary paperwork or pay owner Harold Watson Sr., he said.
After storing the corpse at his funeral home for more than a year, Wright said, the 76-year-old Watson decided to move it because he couldn’t reach the woman’s family.
Someone complained about a foul smell near downtown Gadsden, about 60 miles northeast of Birmingham, and officers on Tuesday found the woman’s remains in a cardboard box that was inside a locked hearse parked on a piece of property that Watson owns.

A cardboard box inside a hearse? There are better ways to dump a corpse, dude. That’s what rivers are for, right?

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So, Does This Mean I Can Refer to Mr. Freilich as “Seth the Jew”?

clint-eastwood-dirty-harry.JPGAccording to Clint Eastwood, there’s just not enough racist humor anymore.

In former times we constantly made jokes about different races.
‘You can only tell them today with one hand over your mouth otherwise you will be insulted as a racist.
‘I find that ridiculous. In those earlier days every friendly clique had a “Sam the Jew” or “Jose the Mexican” - but we didn’t think anything of it or have a racist thought.
‘It was normal that we made jokes based on our nationality or ethnicity. That was never a problem.
”I don’t want to be politically correct. We’re all spending too much time and energy trying to be politically correct about everything.’

Wow, Eastwood. You know what else you had in those “earlier days”? Separate but equal. Chinese internment camps. And Jim Crowe laws. Funny times, weren’t they, old man? You know what’s still politically correct? Geriatric jokes. You know what’s great about Alzheimers, Clint? You get to meet new people every day.


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Ok, this is taking the “lawyers are bloodsucking vampires” thing a little too far

once-bitten.jpgJonathon Sharkey has filed a lawsuit on behalf of himself and “The Vampyre Nation” against the United States government, seeking sovereignty for the Vampyre Nation. For those like me who didn’t know any better:

The Vampyre Nation herein known as -VN, which consist of several territories here in America, as well as in other nations in the world (Russia, Romania, Poland, Germany, South America, Australia…). The VN’s primary location is in Tracy City, Tennessee.

About 90 miles south of Tracy City, the ever trustworthy Wikipedia tells us that, as of 2000, Tracy City held 1,679 citizens. According to a website for a vampire role-playing game, the general rule-of-thumb is that “the worldwide ratio of Kindred to kine is 1:100k.” By that rule-of-thumb, Tracy City has 0.017 vampires, which doesn’t exactly seem like a nation to me.

Ah, but reading on, we learn that it’s possible for the ratio to actually drop to 1 in 10,000. Which means Tracy City has 0.17 vampires so, yeah, totally a nation.

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The Usual Suspect

If you didn’t see Tuesday night’s “The Daily Show,” well, there’s something you need to know:

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Reefer Will Save The Economy

maryjane3.jpgWant to quickly raise money some cash to save your state’s massive budget deficit? A legislator in California has presented an easy, brilliant solution:

A state legislator is reviving the debate about legalizing marijuana as a way of raising money for cash-strapped state and local governments.
Assemblyman Tom Ammiano, a San Francisco Democrat, introduced a bill Monday that if approved by the California Legislature would put pot on the same legal footing as alcohol. Adults over the age of 21 would be allowed to buy it, and driving under the influence of marijuana would be prohibited.
Under Ammiano’s proposal, which has been endorsed by some law enforcement officials, pot would be taxed at a rate of $50 per ounce and bring an estimated $1 billion into state coffers.

$1 billion in taxes! An entire industry created out of thin air. Think of all the legitimate job that would be created. Cops would able to divert their resources to more meaningful activities. Pass this California. Make it work. Saving the economy might be the one thing that might get this passed. Then, maybe we can use the same argument for gay marriage: Think of all the wedding-related jobs it will create!

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Drunk? Get outta here!

DUI343-thumb.jpgGood on ya, Eric Marusak of Florida. The job carried out by the police is hard enough without folks lying to them:

According to a report from the Pasco County Sheriff’s Office, a Port Richey officer spotted the car going nearly 20 miles over the speed limit on U.S. 19 a little after 2 a.m.
Just as the officer was about to turn on his light, the car veered left, bounced over a curb and smashed into a chain link fence.
A man and woman inside the car were not injured.
The driver’s side door had a metal pole through it, so the driver — later identified as Eric Marusak, 37, of New Port Richey — crawled out the passenger door.
“I’m wrecked, dude,” he told the officer.
Marusak laughed and then added, “I got a suspended license.”

But then Marusak had to go and blow the good will he earned from me:

He soon stopped laughing and got angry — kicking the officer in the groin and leg, cursing at him, punching him and then acted like a dog, growling and trying to bite him, according to law enforcement.


impounded-car.jpgIf you live in Washington state and enjoy trolling for hookers, you’re gonna love these bits of proposed legislation. There are two identical bills pending in the state’s House and Senate which would allow cops to seize and impound your car if you’re “arrested in connection with soliciting, patronizing or promoting prostitution within neighborhoods designated as prostitution-heavy zones.”

But don’t worry, they won’t keep your car. Once you pay towing and impound fees (set at $500 by the bills), the state’s pockets will be a little bulgier and you can carry on your way. The $500 they collect, surprisingly, won’t stay in the state coffers, but will (in theory) be put to use to help hookers get treatments and related services.

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Compassion: Thy Name is Bunning

bunning.jpgFormer Phillies “great” and ridiculously conservative U.S. Senator, Jim Bunning, is the kind of compassionate Senator who is more interested in humanity than he is in politics. He’d certainly like to see a Conservative Supreme Court, but he’s not so tacky as to hope for a painful death to one of its members.

Or maybe he is:

During a wide-ranging 30-minute speech on Saturday at the Hardin County Republican Party’s Lincoln Day Dinner, Bunning said he supports conservative judges “and that’s going to be in place very shortly because Ruth Bader Ginsburg … has cancer.”
“Bad cancer. The kind that you don’t get better from,” he told a crowd of about 100 at the old State Theater.
“Even though she was operated on, usually, nine months is the longest that anybody would live after (being diagnosed) with pancreatic cancer,” he said.

What they the article failed to reveal, however, is that Bunning was probably smiling devilishly and playing with his mustache when he said that.

And now I don’t feel so awful wishing cancer upon Bunning. Hopefully, it won’t be of the nine months and you’re dead variety — I hope it sticks around for a couple of years, and debilitates him. Also: What in God’s name makes him think that Obama would appoint someone more conservative than Ginsberg to the bench?

What a fat-headed twatwaffle.

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The (Kinda-Sorta) Daily Memo - 2/23/09

check.jpgSome of the many ways BigLaw bilks BigCorporation. (Bitter Lawyer)

check.jpgWait, a “motion to kiss my ass” is the worst motion ever? I beg to differ. (Supreme Dicta)

check.jpgPACER is terrible, but it should still be free. (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgA Texas court has ruled that Texas Hold ‘Em is a game of skill. (Forbes)

check.jpgSorry Roman Polanski, just because you’re older and well-respected doesn’t mean your criminal sins of the past simply get washed away … without at least showing up to court. (Law.com)

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QuizLaw Oddsmakers: Utah State Senator Chris Buttars next politician to come out of the closet

buttars.jpgChris Buttars is a peach. Last month, he sat down for an interview in a documentary called 8: The Mormon Proposition. Check out some of these choice quotes about the gays:

“They’re mean. They want to talk about being nice. They’re the meanest buggers I have ever seen.”
“It’s just like the Muslims. Muslims are good people and their religion is anti-war. But it’s been taken over by the radical side.”
“What is the morals of a gay person? You can’t answer that because anything goes.”
And finally, this is how senator Buttars refers to the “radical gay movement.”
“They’re probably the greatest threat to America going down I know of.”

Well that’s a relief! I thought the economy might be the biggest threat to America. Glad to know there’s nothing to worry about there!

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Some articles speak for themselves…


(Source: MSN UK)

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Maybe Social Medicine Is Not Such a Great Idea

RSNN2004Xtooth_737203a.jpgNot unless you make it profitable for dentists, at least. Check out England’s newest problem:

Tooth decay is now the third most common reason children are admitted to hospital, official figures showed yesterday.
Nearly 37,000 kids a year are kept in with cavities — topped only by those with chest infections and premature tots.
Decay was not in the top FIVE reasons five years ago. Admissions are up 13 per cent since then.
Tories blamed a lack of NHS dentists, saying many went private when new Government contracts were launched in 2006. Shadow health minister Mike Penning said: “Labour’s decade in charge has resulted in a significant deterioration in dental health.”
Dr Nick Goodwin of The King’s Fund health think-tank added: “Dentists are leaving the NHS in droves as they make more money privately.”

It’s a good thing that the whole British people have bad teeth is just a nasty stereotype.

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Go Ahead: Tell Me How It’s Not Racist

Chimp Comic.jpgDespite the fact that it was the NY Post, which is about as classy as Coors Light nipple pasties, I was willing — in my mind — to give them the benefit of the doubt with regard to the controversial political cartoon. But I kept staring at it and wondering where the hell the political satire was. There is absolutely nothing — nothing — that you can take away from it except that they are calling Obama an ape. That’s it.

The Post couldn’t even offer a valid defense:

“The cartoon is a clear parody of a current news event, to wit the shooting of a violent chimpanzee in Connecticut,” Col Allan, editor-in-chief of the Post, said in a statement. “It broadly mocks Washington’s efforts to revive the economy.

That’s it? A “clear parody.” Listen, buddy: I’ve had a lot of years of higher education, and there’s no clear parody there to me, nor is there anything to suggest it’s mocking Washington. What does shooting a chimpanzee have to do with the economy? It’s not only racist, it’s completely fucking nonsensical.

I wish I had a Post subscription, just so I could cancel it.

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Who’s got time to run when there’s drinking to be done?

drinking.jpgFrom Florida, of course:

A man who tried to rob a convenience store and made off with two bottles of beer didn’t make it far — sheriff’s deputies found him sitting on the bench outside the store with the booze.
The suspect came into a Chevron in Deltona shortly after 3:30 a.m. on Saturday and tried to buy two beers, Volusia County Sheriff’s Office said. The clerk told the man that liquor laws prohibit the sale of alcohol between 3 a.m. and 7 a.m. but the suspect walked behind the counter, shoved the clerk and told him he would kill him if he didn’t turn over all of the money, authorities said.
The suspect put his hand under his sweatshirt to imply he had a gun, but the clerk refused to give him money. The suspect shoved the clerk one more time, grabbed the beer and walked out of the store, the sheriff’s office said.
The clerk called 911 and deputies arrived about three minutes later. Xavier Sierra, a 22-year-old Deltona resident, was still sitting outside the store with his beer. He didn’t have a weapon, authorities said. He was charged with robbery and resisting an officer without violence and is being held at the Volusia County jail in Daytona Beach on $5,500 bond.

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Obama’s going to fix the economy the same way I fixed my kitchen cabinet


(Hat tip to Tammy.)

This is what’s wrong with our education system people

teacher-prostitute.jpgWe don’t pay our teachers enough money. So sometimes they’re forced to go off and get second jobs. Like fourth-grade Ohio teacher Amber Carter, who picked up a side job as a prostitute. The lovely Ms. Carter found her johns on Craigslist and, get this, not only used the school computer to arrange for her shenanigans, but even skipped class to run off to a motel for the old dirty-dirty.

She was busted after an anonymous e-mail tipped off the local sherrifs, who gave Ms. Carter a lesson of her own.

(Hat tip to Laura who felt it worth pointing out: “Best of all…she’s hhhhhhhhot!)

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Whatever with the youth of tomorrow when I can get some serious scrilla in my own pocket!

judge.jpgWhen any governmental agency runs smoothly, you know that there must be shenanigans afoot. And so it was with one of the Wilkes-Barre, PA juvenile courts, where “[y]oungsters were brought before judges withou a lawyer, given hearings that lasted only a minute or two, and then sent off to juvenile prison for months for minor offenses.” Stole loose change from a car? That’s a lock-up. Possess some drug paraphernalia? That’s a lock-up. Write a prank note? You better believe that’s a lock-up.

And the source of this was, of course, money — two of the judges in the courtroom took millions of dollars in kickbacks to send kids to private youth detention centers. Nobody at either of the detention centers have been charged, yet, although both judges have been charged and removed from the bench.

(Hat tip to Elizabeth who was left speechless by the story. Understandable.)

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Another reason Neil Gaiman is my favorite author

kindle.jpgI love me some Neil Gaiman. “The Sandman,” “American Gods,” “Anansi Boys,” too many short stories to name — brilliant shit, all of ‘em. But Gaiman has shown himself, time and again, to be more than simply a good writer. He’s shown himself to be a rather smart and well-reasoned man. Case in point — there’s been some kerfuffle over Amazon’s new Kindle because the new version of their electronic book gadget includes the ability to audibly read books to the owner (the so-called text-to-speech capability). The kerfuffle is that this could be a copyright violation, as the audiobook rights are spearate from print rights, and the Kindle purportedly infringes the audiobook rights.

Gaiman recently posted on his blog about this, noting that his agent was originally of the “this is copyright infringement” mindset. Gaiman’s response:

When you buy a book, you’re also buying the right to read it aloud, have it read to you by anyone, read it to your children on long car trips, record yourself reading it and send that to your girlfriend etc. This is the same kind of thing, only without the ability to do the voices properly, and no-one’s going to confuse it with an audiobook. And that any authors’ societies or publishers who are thinking of spending money on fighting a fundamentally pointless legal case would be much better off taking that money and advertising and promoting what audio books are and what’s good about them with it.

Smart, rationale, logical. …Gaiman would be a terrible lawyer.

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Judge to Hot Chicks: “Only a douchebag would file a lawsuit like this”

hot-chick-douchebag.jpgA while back we told you about a lawsuit filed over the “Hot Chicks with Douchebags” website and book. As you may recall, it wasn’t the purported douchebags suing — rather, three of the pictured hot chicks were suing for defamation because they didn’t like being depicted as digging on douchebags.

Well last Monday, a New Jersey judge told the ladies to get bent, granting summary judgment and dismissing the complaint because of that pesky little thing called the First Amendment. Judge Toskos noted that it’s not libel when something “is clearly understood as being parody, satire, humor or fantasy.” And then there’s this:

Citing passages from the book as examples, Toskos said a reasonable person would not believe that “in 1981 archaeologist Renee Emile Bellaqua uncovered in a cave in Gali Israel a highly controversial Third Century religious scroll suggesting that the ‘douchey/hotty’ coupling was a troublesome facet in early social religious structures” or that “Jean-Paul Sartre stated ‘man is condemned to be douchey because once thrown into the world he is responsible for every douchey thing that he does.’”

Good on ya’ Judge Menelaos Toskos, good on ya’.

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If you could sue anytime someone does anything remotely offensive, I’d be in a heap of trouble

miley-cyrus.jpgOk, look, we’ve all seen the picture of little Miley Cyrus pulling her eyes back all slantey-like, right? Sure, I can see how folks are offended. And I can see how Asians are particularly offended, which is why apologies were demanded and given. Fine. Good. Move on.

Well, except that Lucie J. Kim has filed a class-action lawsuit against Cyrus seeking $4 billion in damages. This money-grubbing asshat claims that Miley, in posing for this photo, “knew or should have known that her image would be publicly disseminated via the media, which Cyrus knew focused on her private life, specifically TMZ” and that it doesn’t matter that she’s “just a kid.” So she wants four grand for each Asian Pacific Islander in LA County, because their civil rights have been violated.

Yeah. The argument is that Cyrus knew the picture would get out in the media and would hurt people’s feelings, and this somehow violates Asian Pacificers’ civil right. Bitch, please.

(Hat tip to Patty and Amanda.)

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AFSCME: The Best Union in the Nation (NSFW)

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Man’s Truck Steals Itself

parking_etiquette.jpgYou know, back in the 90s, you could actually pull the keys out of your ignition without putting your car in park (I think most newer cars have corrected this flaw). For dumbasses like myself, the results aren’t always pretty. I had car that once rolled out of his parking space and halfway down a street before softly (thank God) running into another car. And yet, another time, I had gone to pick up my girlfriend. I knocked on her door, and when she opened it, she said, “Is that your car rolling down the street.”

Indeed it was.

But nothing beats this story in that department:

A California man who called police after his truck disappeared from a convenience store said security video revealed the vehicle had effectively stolen itself.
Michael Otero said he left the keys in the ignition and the doors unlocked when he exited the red pickup truck to enter a 7-Eleven store Sunday in Laguna Beach, so he feared the worst when he came out of the store to find no trace of his vehicle, the Orange County (Calif.) Register reported.
Otero said police arrived and screened surveillance camera footage to find a most improbable explanation for the mystery. The video shows the manual transmission truck — which Otero said had been put into first gear with the parking brake on — rolling in reverse from its parking space and heading toward the street until it curved and slid into an empty parking spot in an adjacent lot.
“I’m just cracking up,” Otero said. “I just thank God it didn’t hurt anyone.”


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Male Fantasy Not All that Fantastic

I think a lot of dudes probably get off on the idea of seeing two hot twins make out with each other. But when you really think about it … well, that’s “twincest.” And that’s kind of gross, actually.

A matched pair of burlesque dancers charge in a shocking new lawsuit that they were pressured to perform “twincest.”
In papers filed in Manhattan Supreme Court, “Porcelain Twinz” Heather and Amber Langley say the owner of a Manhattan nightclub bullied them into performing sexual acts on each other in private with him and on stage in their erotic show.
While the Langleys had made a ca reer out of simulating sex acts with each other on stage, they “are identi cal twin sisters who never before have engaged in incestuous sexual relations with each other either privately or professionally within the confines of their performance art,” their suit says.
He told them to get in to bed with him, and “required” them “to remove their underwear before demanding” oral sex from them, the suit says.
He then allegedly ordered them to engage in oral sex with each other.
Around the same time, he also allegedly demanded they change their erotic show to include “actual sex acts” with each other using sex toys.

Twincest is a lot like Coors Light — sure, it’s beer. But it’s also Coors Light. And that just ain’t right.

Moms Don’t Let their Kid’s Friends Drive Drunk

house-party.jpgOne of the laws we spend a lot of time on in first-year Torts was the dram shop laws, which hold bars and liquor stores liable if they sell alcohol to a visibly drunk person or a minor who goes out and injures someone while intoxicated. That same liability, of course, extends to serving alcohol to minors or other drunks at a house party, which briefly made many a law student nervous about refilling a buddy’s shot glass while he was at their house. Here’s why:

A Lake Forest woman’s homeowners insurance will pay $2.5 million to settle a lawsuit brought by a young man who was paralyzed in a crash that occurred after an underage drinking party in her home.
The settlement between Lauralee Pfeifer, whose teenage daughters hosted the party, and George Baldwin, 22, was approved Wednesday by Judge Christopher Starck in Lake County Circuit Court.
In 2006, Baldwin, then a 19-year-old Lake Forest High School graduate, went to Pfeifer’s home with a friend, William Klairmont, then 18 and also from Lake Forest. They were visiting Pfeifer’s daughters, and all drank beer in the girls’ bedroom.
Klairmont was intoxicated when he drove home and lost control of his car in Lake Bluff, said Patrick Salvi, Baldwin’s lawyer. Baldwin, a passenger, was injured.

And that, folks, is why all your parties should have a key master.

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What’s More Loathsome than the KKK? The P-E-T-A.

ku-klux-klan-salute.jpgI appreciate PETA’s no-fur message, but I’ll tell you what: They are a vile, odious little organization that is doing far more harm to their mission than they are doing good. Seriously.

“Is this really the KKK?” somebody asked the woman in the white robe and the pointy hat.
Crowds gawked at a table set up outside Madison Square Garden on Monday afternoon, where People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals was protesting the start of the Westminster Kennel Club show. PETA contends that the American Kennel Club promotes pure-breeding of dogs that is harmful to their health.
“Welcome AKC Members,” read a banner hanging from the table — with AKC crossed out and KKK written above it. Two PETA protesters dressed as Ku Klux Klan members, while other volunteers handed out brochures that read: “The KKK and the AKC: BFF?”
“Obviously it’s an uncomfortable comparison,” PETA spokesman Michael McGraw said. But the AKC is trying to create a “master race,” he added. “It’s a very apt comparison.”

I think this man had the appropriate response: “Earlier, a man strode away yelling, “That’s disgusting! I’m going to buy more fur!”

That’s about right. And if were going to extend the offensive, tacky analogy, I can think of a few “activists” who deserve a lynching.

(Hat Tip: Blonde Savant)

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Florida Epitomized

ap_witness_071026_mn.jpgLast week, we posted a story about a pizza shop owner who pistol whipped a customer who complained that his take-out order was incorrect. We thought at the time that the owner had perhaps blown things a little out of proportion. Now we understand why. He was a mafia hitman in the witness protection program!

A former mafia hitman turned informant looks like he may lose his federal protection in the witness protection program over a calzone. Joey Calco, the man who made a name for himself when he turned on the Bonanno crime family and ratted out consigliere Anthony Spero in 2001, has been living in Florida and running a pizza place under the name Joseph Milano. When he was arrested last month after being caught on tape beating down and pistol-whipping customers at Goomba’s pizzeria who complained about a calzone, a Daytona paper matched his new identity to the man known as “Crazy Joe” as part of the “Bath Avenue Crew.”
Calco himself was convicted for two murders he pleaded guilty to in 2004 and was out of prison two years later. After “Milano” was arrested for charges of possession of a firearm by a convicted felon, the newspaper’s discovery prompted police to reveal his true identity and charge Calco under his real name.
The former mobster has also been sued for sexual harassment while running Goomba’s. The News points out that he is not the sharpest tool in the shed, detailing how he repeatedly struggled to remember the word “foyer” during one of his trips to the witness stand. Below is the video of the attack that could end up making him a marked man.

I think the real question here is why the Feds would even allow a guy in the witness protection program to open up a pizza shop called “Goombahs.” Goombas, people. That’s just too goddamn perfect. Our taxpayer dollars a work, folks!

(Super Special H/T branded)

Is this part of their new “show your thighs for the skies” promotion?

flight-attendant.jpgKarin Keegan is a Delta flight attendant. In October ‘07, she tried to snag herself a standby seat ib a JetBlue flight (JetBlue has an agreement to let Delta flight attendants standby on flights to their job assignment cities). But she was denied because she was dressed too provocatively.

Strike that — that would be just another one of “those” stories.

Keegan was denied because she wasn’t dressed provocatively enough! According to her new lawsuit, some male employee tool said she needed to sexy herself up a little, and proceeded to let other attendants with less seniority get on in her stead. Keegan, meanwhile, actually went and got changed, only to be denied a second time, being told it was now too late.

Moral of the story? Get it right the first time!

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A Random F**king Thought …

pelosi-reid.jpg I’m sure this is the sort of thing that’s probably been discussed to death on actual political blogs, and I’m sure there’s a very simple answer to it that I just don’t know. But this question has been nagging at me over the last few days: Why the hell can’t Congressional Democrats replace their respective leaders, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?

Seriously: If there is anyone over the last year that is actually less popular George W. Bush, it’s Pelosi and Reid, the absolute worst faces that Democrats can put forth. They are both whiny, weak, out-of-touch morons. The Democrats hate them nearly as much as the Republicans do. And yet, the right wing media continues to equate the rest of us with Pelosi and Reid. They are the leading reason why the stimulus bill is gaining in unpopularity.

Why doesn’t Congress replace them? They can keep their seats, of course. But in the opening weeks of the Obama adminstration — a presidency that’s supposed to be all about change — why do we have the same two ninnies running the show in Congress? There are countless Senators, and at least two Representatives that would better serve the ideals of the average Democrat. Why can’t we put in Russ Feingold? Or Barbara Boxer? Or Blanche Lincoln? Hell: Anyone is better than Reid.

So what gives, Congressional Democrats? We can’t do a damn thing about who y’all elect as your representatives, and there’s no reason Californians or Nevadans would kick them out, what with all the perks their respective constituencies get. So, what can we do? What can you do? How do we make this happen?

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Common Sense Lesson #160

pregnant-lady.jpgDon’t tell your girlfriend, pregnant for nine months, that you’ve been cheating on her. At least not in person:

A woman who is nine months pregnant was charged with felonious assault early Friday morning after she allegedly stabbed a man in the chest with a kitchen knife.
Twannette Woods, 20, of University Heights, is accused of stabbing her boyfriend around 5 a.m. Friday after “he told her that he was cheating on her,” according to Cincinnati police. The incident occurred in the 700 block of W. Martin Luther King Drive.
Police records also say that Woods was transported to University Hospital because she is so near her due date.

What provoked this dude to tell her at 5 a.m., anyway? Did he just wake up and think, “Now would be a great time to ruin my girlfriend’s life!” If I’d been spoken to at 5 a.m., I’d probably be a little stabby myself.

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Common Sense Has No Place in Legal Briefs!


(Courtesy Daily Legal Cartoons, with a hat tip to Legal Antics)

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What does this have to do with the law?

Not a god damned thing. But it’s Friday, and a dad filming his kid fresh out of the dentist’s office and all hopped up on the pain meds is just good times. (I realize most of you may have already stumbled upon this but, whatever.) The real question is, where can I get me some of what this kid is on?

(Hat tip: Slowly Going Bald)

Still think old people shouldn’t have to take special driver exams?

old-driver.jpgEvery few years, there’s a story of some batty old person who has no business driving causing mayhem behind the wheel. The most vivid in my recollection is from a few years ago, where some old dude plowed through the Santa Monica farmer’s market, killing several people, including a little girl. Fucking sad.

This story, while coming to a less sad conclusion, is no less disturbing. Late last month, a 73-year-old attorney was hit with charges stemming from an incident last December. The old fucker “drove through a construction barricade outside his favorite restaurant in Mill Valley and drove up Highway 101 with a Caltrans worker clinging to the hood of his Mercedes Benz.”

[Witnesses] followed the Mercedes as it exited at the Seminary Drive exit, where two drivers blocked the car long enough for Ramsey to jump off the hood, unscathed. The Mercedes then continued on the Redwood Highway frontage road, followed by witnesses.
The CHP arrived and found the Mercedes parked outside Buchanan’s law office at 591 Redwood Highway. When they went inside to question him, they found him at his desk, eating his lunch, Ziegenbein said.
“He said that there was a crazy guy on his hood and he told him to get off,” Ziegenbein said.

(Hat tip to reader Anthony)

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America, Fuck Yeah!

america-f-yeah.jpgRemember that guy from a few hours ago, the cat with the friendly little “how ya’ doing” on his forehead? Well if he had been arrested in South Dakota instead of California, and if he were facing charges for cursing at the cops via his head tattoo, rather than for robbing a liquor store, he might be feeling pretty good.

That’s because, last month, the S.D. Supremes ruled that yelling profanities at the cops can be an exercise of one’s free speech rights:

Marcus J. Suhn yelled a stream of profanities beginning with “Fucking cop” on the sidewalk at 2 a.m. after the bars closed on Sept. 2, 2007, as two police officers were riding down the street in their patrol car. One officer heard Suhn, got out of his patrol car, arrested him and charged him with disorderly conduct….
According to Meierhenry, Suhn’s profanity about the police did not “tend to incite an immediate breach of the peace,” as the other people standing on Main Street did not react with any type of violence.
“The crowd merely responded with facial expressions of disbelief,” he wrote. “Just because someone may have been offended, annoyed, or even angered by Suhn’s words does not make them fighting words.”

That’s what I’m fucking talking about!

Yeah, but how does he really feel?


(From The Smoking Gun, natch)

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Hey! Star Trek Nerds: Here’s a Dumb Criminal Story for You

I’d never heard of a bat’leth before some dude robbed a couple of 7/11s with one. For the unfamiliar, it’s the most popular weapon among Klingon warriors. It was forged by Kahless the Unforgettable. And if you want to know what a Klingon is, well, you’re on your own.

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Congress Really Knows How to Improve its Image (*Facepalm*)

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OMG! If Obama’s Stimulus Package Doesn’t Pass, We’re All Going to Lose Our Jobs. Twice!

Well, at least according to Nancy Pelosi, who believes that, without the package, “500 million” of us will lose our jobs. That’s more than twice the working population of America.

We’re deep sh*t, folks.

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The Great Escape … Not so Great

Here’s what happens when two men attempt to escape police, while handcuffed to one another. Hey! Watch out for that pole … Doh! Jumping Jellybeans, that’s embarassing.

(H/T JP)

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Rod Blagojevich on The Late Show

Here’s just the first part (if you want the other parts, check YouTube). And Letterman mocks the living hell out of the guy. God bless Dave: He’s not timid.

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Ricky Gervais almost has it right

tsott_funster.jpgOver on his blog, funnyman Ricky Gervais has posted a proposal to Barack Obama via an open letter. It’s funny, as you will read, but it’s not quite the right plan.

Dear Mr President,
Firstly, congratulations on your historic win. I have never been so behind a candidate for what must be considered the boss of the world.
You seem to be a man of grace and integrity, who would never shirk responsibility in any way.
I’ll get to the point.
As I’m sure you are aware, one of your flock has strayed. A Miss Paris Hilton, who is, I believe, a resident of Beverley Hills, is in England doing a reality game show for ITV2 called Paris Hilton’s British Best Friend. Fine. I have no problem with that. I don’t have to watch. But now it has come to my attention that she has bought a house in North London a few miles from me, and is out and about ingratiating herself with the Great British public.
Mr President. We are not stupid. This is clearly a retaliatory strike for Posh Spice moving to LA. I know it, and you know it, so let’s cut the “it’s a free country” nonsense and come to some agreement.
I propose an exchange.
This is how it would work. We call them both and tell them that we’ve found a giant “paparazzi nest”, in New York say. (half way home for both of them already)
At first they may be confused that they’d never heard of such a thing before, but the thought of that many photographers in one place will be irresistible.
Once we get them there, while they are having their photos taken (we will have hire a few guys with cameras to make it look good) we will swap their limos around. It’s fool proof.
This is a covert operation of which Mr Gordon Brown knows nothing. (I’ve got him working on finding a synthetic fur for The Queen’s guards’ bearskin hats.)
Have your people call my people. They may have to call a few times as my people are useless to be honest.
Thank you,
Ricky Gervais

See, the right move here is, once they’re both in NYC, you ship ‘em off to China or the Middle East. Or Antarctica. Some place where they can’t bother none of us. Come on Ricky, you should know better.

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Taxachusetts Set to Become Douchiest State in the Union

masshole9xi.jpgOh, sure: Gays can get married in Massachusetts, but if the Bay State has its way, they won’t be able to avoid state sales tax by registering for wedding gifts in New Hampshire:

Massachusetts has ordered a tire chain to charge Bay State residents a 5 percent sales tax on their purchases in New Hampshire in an unprecedented move that could have huge implications for consumers and other merchants.
Town Fair Tire Centers, which is based in Connecticut but has six shops in New Hampshire and 25 in Massachusetts, is fighting back with a lawsuit now before the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court that accuses the state of violating the US commerce clause. If Massachusetts prevails in the case, which is likely to be heard next month, it could drive up costs for consumers and retailers such as Best Buy and Sears that sell expensive home appliances and other goods in New Hampshire, which doesn’t have a state sales tax. It also could mean millions of dollars in new tax revenue for the Commonwealth as it faces a $1.1 billion budget deficit, according to tax analysts.

How can you even enforce that? And if a guy from Massachusetts travels to NH for some new tires and the company is forced to tax them, why wouldn’t NH get to collect on those taxes? What’s absolutely insane is that, based on an audit, Massachusetts levied a tax penalty of over $108,000 on that tire company for not taxing Mass residents.

This has terrible idea written all over it, and should Massachusetts prevail (it won’t), it could lead to a system where every town, city, county, and state in the country will have to keep track of where their buyers are from, and where to send the tax difference. Hell, will this also mean that, if a NH resident buys tires in Massachusetts, that he won’t be taxed on it? Could a NH resident then go to any state in the nation and buy goods tax-free by virtue of NH being a sales-tax free state?

Come on, Massachusetts. Pull your head out of your ass.

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Introducing Our Newest Caped Crusader: Sleepy Man

unbranded-lippi-selk-all-in-one-sleeping-bag-yellow-.jpgHey: In these tough economic times, it’s not always affordable to go out and buy an actual cape. Sometimes, we just have to make do.

Authorities said a man wearing a sleeping bag as a cape and carrying a screwdriver as a weapon tried to rob someone in the parking lot of a Gainesville business.
Police said Marcus Lee Mattox, 46, approached the intended victim early Sunday morning and asked for money. When the man refused, police said Mattox threw off the cape and pulled the screwdriver from his waistband. The other man quickly ran into a store and called 911.
Mattox was arrested a few blocks away and charged with attempted armed robbery. He was being held on $20,000 bail.

The cold shouldn’t be an impediment to robbery. I like this man’s ingenuity. Plus, he’s already got a blanket ready for his prison cell.

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Manhattan Cops Bamboozle the Gays

This little scheme the cops are pulling on gay men in Manhattan is downright ridiculous:

Anger is building against the police department in the wake of an increase in arrests of gay men for prostitution at Manhattan adult video stores. Last week, City Council Speaker Christine Quinn joined in the outcry. She said she is working with the mayor’s office and commanders of the police department to set up a meeting that will include gay community groups “to get to the bottom of this.”
The arrests have been documented by Duncan Osborne of the Gay City News over the last several months. Police are allegedly using handsome young undercover cops to cruise middle-aged gay men, offering to go home with them for consensual sex. As they leave the store together, the cop offers to pay the man for the sex, confusing the victims who can’t imagine why the younger man would make such a proposal. Then, as they walk out of the store, the victim, despite never having agreed to any exchange of money, is surrounded by undercover cops, handcuffed and charged with prostitution.
Gay activists and civil libertarians see the arrests as part of a continuing effort to shut down porn operations in the city and a tendency by the police department to criminalize gay sexual behavior.

It’s one thing to pose as a prostitute and wait for someone to solicit, but this is absurd. Cruising dudes and then offering free sex, only to suddenly ask for cash?

But then again, isn’t that how porn websites are ran? Free Pr0n! Free Pr0n! Just give us your credit card.

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A Few Super Bowl Watchers Got More Than They’d Anticipated

41093424.jpgWhat’s better than the Super Bowl? How about a little porn? That’s what a few Arizona watchers got during last night’s telecast. It might’ve been OK had it occurred during the otherwise dull first quarter, but it cut in during the last three minutes of the fourth quarter, and MY GOD — the last thing the folks in Arizona wanted to see right then was a guy’s schlong. But, three minutes later, a lot were probably wishing that they’d just stuck with the porn:

Comcast continued this morning to investigate how pornography interrupted it’s feed during the final quarter of the Super Bowl on Sunday.
It is unclear how many viewers were affected by the clip, which lasted about 30 seconds, and featured full male nudity, said Kelle Maslyn, a Comcast spokeswoman.
“We are mortified by last evening’s Super Bowl interruption, and deeply apologize to our customers for the inappropriate programming,” Maslyn said in a statement. “We are aggressively investigating the situation including the possibility of foul play.”
Comcast is working on a plan to compensate customers, but nothing has been set in stone, Maslyn said.
The pornography clip was from Club Jenna, an adult cable television channel. The Star newsroom was flooded with calls from irate viewers who said that the porn cut into the game with less than three minutes left to play, just after Arizona Cardinals player Larry Fitzgerald scored on a touchdown pass from Kurt Warner to put the team in the lead.
Callers said that the clip showed a woman unzipping a man’s pants, followed by a graphic act between the two.

Graphic act? That’s all they’re giving us? At least in honor of the Super Bowl, the Arizona Daily Star could’ve given us a play-by-play. Booo!

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