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Monthly Archives: December 2008

This is like something out of a Penthouse letter…

penthouse-cover.jpgDear Penthouse,

So I’m sitting at home alone when a chick walks into my house. She opened a sliding door in the back and just quietly crept in. I was minding my own business when she walked in and up to me.

She was hot. Hot as shit.

And she was naked. Naked as shit.

She approached me, and backed me into the living room. What was I to do?

Then the hot naked chick pushed my face down into a chair. Again, what was I to do?

Only thing I could do was reach behind me and grab for some crotch, you know?

Only, the thing of it was, she wasn’t so much a hot naked woman as a sketchy nekkid guy with his willy all wonka’ed out.

Oh, and I’m actually an 88-year-old woman.

So yeah, I grabbed this fucker’s junk. And I squeezed. Seems he didn’t like that so much, so he took off and ran.

Forty-six-year old fucker was eventually caught and tossed into the clink, pending charges of burglary, harassment and private indecency.

Thinking of you,

Oregonian Ball Buster

(Hat tip to Cindy, care of our favorite little Gossip Maven.)

This gal is a peach

jane-hoffman.jpgLadies and gentlemen, I present Britain’s Jane Hofmann:

When a wealthy businessman’s wife got lost in her Mercedes on the way to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, she did not stop to ask for directions.
Instead she stopped at a supermarket, bought two bottles of wine and promptly downed them.
When police pulled her over for erratic driving Jane Hofmann was so drunk she could not turn off the engine.
Experienced officers described her as the most intoxicated driver they had ever come across and she was found to be five times over the drink drive limit.

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Silly couple, it’s “sleeps with the fishes

cats-poster.jpgA couple in Ohio got in some trouble when county officials found that they had a rather unsanitary home. Which certainly wasn’t helped any by the 124 cats. Seventy-one of which were dead. Most of which were wrapped in newspapers and in garbage bags. Four of which “were found under a bed.” And one of which was found under a fucking pillow.

“This is the first (case) I’ve been to where the people were actually sleeping with dead carcasses,” said Ed Sisler, Clark County humane society director.

Animal cruelty charges were, naturally, levied. Despicable human being charges were not.

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Cruel pigs!

police-escort.jpgDaniel Osborne just wanted to see his mother for Christmas. But she lives in Washington, and he was in Salt Lake City. What’s a guy to do, when he has no money for a plane, train or automobile? Well Osborne decided to steal a truck.

If this were a movie, when the cops busted him, they would’ve felt the Christmas spirit and given him a police escort to Washington.

That didn’t happen. Heartless pricks.

Of course, it probably didn’t help any that the truck Osborne stole was a firetruck

The (Kinda-Sorta) Daily Memo - 12/29/08

check.jpgHey, did you guys know some crazy broad cured cancer? (Above the Law)

check.jpgCongrats to Sean Hannity, 2008’s Misinformer of the Year. (Media Matters).

check.jpgHave you seen what’s going to be included in the W Library? (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgRumey and Cheney have been sued by a career Army specialist over an alleged failure to evacuate the Pentagon on September 11. Isn’t this a bit outside the statute of limitations? (The Raw Story)

check.jpgThe California Supremes don’t like good samaritans. (Law.com)

check.jpgNew Hampshire finally lives up to the “Live Free or Die” motto. (LawInfo)

check.jpgCalifornia’s Attorney General has asked the state’s Supremes to overturn Prop 8 because it would establish a “tyranny of the majority.” (WSJ Law Blog)

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Monday Morning Interrogation Theater

red-curtains.jpgWe open on a police precinct in Boulder, Colorado. Specifically, we open in a suspect interrogation room, where we find Officer Kevin Granberg and two 17-year-old boys. We shall call them Acne and Backne.

Officer Granberg: Do you boys know why you’re here?

Backne: Cause you gave me a friggin speeding ticket last month, man.

Officer Granberg: Well, in a roundabout way, that’s why you’re here. But you know we don’t generally brings folks downtown just for speeding.

Backne: Whatever.

Acne: Hey, I wasn’t even the car with Backne last month, so I dunno why I’m here at all.

Backne: Sut up, man. Don’t say nothin.

Officer Granberg: You boys are both here because you thought it was a good idea to get back at me for the speeding ticket by torching my truck.

Acne: Heh, that’s funny.

Backne: Fuck you pig.

Officer Granberg: You little fuckers made me and my fellow officers chase you. Fucked with us. Landed two of us in the hospital for minor injuries.

Backne: Pussy pigs.

Acne: Heh.

Officer Granberg: We’ll see how funny you think things are when I turn off this little camera for a moment.

Darkness for about 5 minutes.

Lights are back up, signaling that the camera is back on.

Acne: My ass hurts.

Backne: My mouth hurts.

Officer Granberg: Who’s laughing now, cockbreath?

Overreact much?

crying-baby2.jpgLast week, Dustin complained about parents who bring their screaming babies to the movies. Well a fella from my hometown feels your pain, Dustin, as Philadelphian (EAGLES!) James Joseph Ciaelell is now facing six charges, including aggravated assault and attempted murder:

A man enraged by a noisy family sitting near him in a movie theater on Christmas night shot the father of the family in the arm, police said.
Police said Cialella told the man’s family to be quiet, then threw popcorn at the man’s son. The victim, whom television reports identified as Woffard Lomax, told police that Cialella was walking toward his family when he stood up and was shot.

That’s a bit over the top, yes, but I think we all understand where his rage was coming from.

For the curious among you, the movie was The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

(Hat tip to readers Sharon and Katherin. Sharon thinks the dude needs a chill pill, while Katherin takes some hometown pride in a real-to-life rolling out of the MurderTank.)

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Well they don’t look fucking jolly at all!

In a dangerous midnight raid, a joint task force made up of agents from the CIA, the FBI, the NSA, the IRS, the FDA, PETA, the AARP and WKRP in Cincinnati stormed the lone house sitting on the vast snowscape, hoping to catch the slave owner unawares. They had been hunting this man for years, but everytime they got close, he would unleash one of his hell hounds, those cruel beasts with massive horns and no souls, and they would make quick work of the threat to their owner, their master, their keeper.

But on this dark night, the agents hoped they could take the man by surprise. Catch him unaware. They were the ones taken aback, however, when they found not one slave owner inside the shop, but twelve, which makes sense really, because how could one man truly run such a massive operation on his own?

A shootout turned into a knife fight turned into a bake off, and agents were shot, fat men were stabbed, and cakes were baked. But in the end, Justice prevailed and the men were arrested. Ho. Ho. Ho.


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Why Does this Man Want to Kill the Internet?

mug-jimfisher.jpgA state lawmaker in Idaho, whose head is full of shiny, clinky rocks, has come up with worst idea ever:

State Rep. Steve Hartgen, a former newspaper publisher, says he might introduce a bill to force people to use their real names when posting comments on the Internet.
“A modest proposal that simply required the posting of a true name with respect to comments and blogs would go a long way,” Hartgen, R-Twin Falls, told the Times-News, adding that the absence of such a provision “discourages people from participating in civil life. To me, it reflects a coarsening and cheapening of public debate, which I think is not healthy for Idaho.”
Hartgen, who was appointed to the Legislature in July and won election in November, is a former publisher and managing editor of the Times-News but hasn’t been affiliated with the newspaper since 2005.
His suggestion has prompted an outcry from Web users, who argue that it would chill the spontaneous exchange of ideas on the Internet.

You know why most users post anonymously? So their bosses won’t know they’re posting comments during work time. If they had to use their real names, every boss in America could check time-stamped comments and know when their employees were doing things more productive than their crappy day jobs. No one would post anymore. And then the Internet would die. Does Representative Hartgen want that on his conscience.

Also, not for nothing, but such a law would be absolutely, completely unenforceable and just about the stupidest piece of legislation ever passed by any state in the history of law passing.

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Dude: At Least Let Her Finish the Job before Calling the Cops

Police arrested a married couple Sunday after a dispute over a haircut.
J. Houston, 34, told police that his wife, 29-year-old A. Houston, cut off some of his hair during an argument at their Mount Healthy home. Authorities charged each of them with one count of domestic violence, but they did not release any details about how Houston might have harmed his wife.”

That’s the Way the Cookie Cru … What? He’s Gonna Slash Their Wrists?

simpsons_otto_mann.jpgI appreciate a man who takes pride in his job, but maybe this guy is a little too serious about his job.

A Texas school bus driver has been arrested after allegedly brandishing a knife and threatening three sixth-graders for leaving cookie crumbs on a seat.
Police say they confiscated a pocket knife with a 2-inch blade after taking the 66-year-old into custody.
Two students told their parents that William Allen took them out of the bus this week. He reportedly threatened to cut their wrists if they didn’t admit eating Oreo cookies and leaving crumbs.

It’s pathetic, really. I mean: It was the kid who was eating Oreo’s on the bus, and they punish the bus driver? Maybe kids deserve a little wrist-slashing every once in a while. It builds character!

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Why Does Saving the Environment Have to Be So Disgusting?

149adfdjpgA plastic surgeon out in L.A. has found an interesting alternative to unleaded fuel. Human fat!

Liposuctioning unwanted blubber out of pampered Los Angelenos may not seem like a dream job, but it has its perks. Free fuel is one of them.
For a time, Beverly Hills doctor Craig Alan Bittner turned the fat he removed from patients into biodiesel that fueled his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator.
Love handles can power a car? Frighteningly, yes. Fat—whether animal or vegetable—contains triglycerides that can be extracted and turned into diesel.

Hey! Tummy tucks for everyone! It’s good for the environment, although I’m not so sure how I’d feel about polluting the environment with my leftover pizza.

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That’s dedication!

examination-book.jpgThis one law professor in Michigan, he apparently thinks all the hypotheticals that law profs use are bullshit. Why give the students hypothetical problems to discuss when you can give them the real deal:

A law student and the professor who paid to have sex with her face up to a year in jail after the student told police she was a prostitute.
The woman went to police in Ann Arbor, Michigan to press charges against the professor for slapping her during sex.
She ended up confessing to having as many as nine other clients who paid up to $US500 for sex. She told police she needed the money to pay tuition.
“Perhaps she should have cracked a legal textbook before coming in to the police station to talk about this,” Ann Arbor Detective Sergeant Richard Kinsey said.
The two met in April after the associate professor in the University of Michigan’s department of near eastern studies responded to an online ad describing the student’s sexual services. She was not a student of his.
They met at an Ann Arbor hotel where the student told police she reluctantly agreed to let the professor whip her with a belt but got angry when he slapped her twice in the face.
The professor paid her $US300 and asked if he could see her again. She told him she’d have to think about it and then went to the police station to report she’d been assaulted.

And the wonderful professor’s wife works in the same department, so she gets to use these in her class, too. This guy’s economical!

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Stupid is As the Pervert Does

womenbathgifHey! When you’re trying to tape the ladies taking a wee, you might want to avoid capturing yourself on camera.

A video camera was found in the women’s bathroom of a Buffalo Grove business Wednesday afternoon, but no footage was found on it except for an image of the man who had placed it.
Police said an employee of a company on the 1300 block of Barclay Boulevard reported that she found a camera hidden under some paper towels that was set in video mode.
Police said the data card showed nobody but the man who put the camera there.
“We believe we have some strong leads in the case,” Cmdr. Steve Husak said Thursday.

I like the story for no other reason than because, when I picture the officer saying, “We believe we have some strong leads in the case,” I pictured Jerry Orbach in full-on deadpan. Also, who the hell wants to watch women take a leak?

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Gotcha Journalism is Back

328-4123469.3099.original.embedded.prod_affiliate.7.jpgHey! Did y’all hear that Bristol Palin — Sarah Palin’s knocked-up daughter— is expected to have her child on Saturday? Looks like Grandma Johnston — the father’s mother — may not be able to make it.

A 42-year-old Wasilla woman was arrested Thursday at her home by Alaska State Troopers with a search warrant in an undercover drug investigation. Sherry L. Johnston was charged with six felony counts of misconduct involving a controlled substance.
Johnston is the mother of Levi Johnston, the Wasilla 18-year-old who received international attention in September when Gov. Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, announced their teenage daughter was pregnant and he was the father. Bristol Palin, 18, is due on Saturday, according to a recent interview with the governor’s father, Chuck Heath.
Troopers served the warrant at Johnston’s home at the “conclusion of an undercover narcotics investigation,” said a statement issued Thursday by the troopers as part of the normal daily summary of activity around the state.

That’s conservative values, for you, eh?

I’d say more — maybe take a potshot at Palin’s “known associates,” but really, why rub it in? Sarah Palin — God Bless her poor ignorant soul — is gonna be stuck with Levi Johnston as a son-in-law and his family as a part of her life for decades. I feel kind of sorry for her, though I’m happy as hell that all of this drama won’t have any part in the President-elect’s transition, as it would’ve had the election gone the other way.

(H/T branded)

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How Many Prostitutes Look 12-Years-Old and Scream, ‘Daddy, Daddy’?

CopssjpgThis story, out of Texas, comes again from QuizLaw confidential informant, Joyce:

It was a little before 8 at night when the breaker went out at Emily Milburn’s home in Galveston. She was busy preparing her children for school the next day, so she asked her 12-year-old daughter, Dymond, to pop outside and turn the switch back on.
As Dymond headed toward the breaker, a blue van drove up and three men jumped out rushing toward her. One of them grabbed her saying, “You’re a prostitute. You’re coming with me.”
Dymond grabbed onto a tree and started screaming, “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.” One of the men covered her mouth. Two of the men beat her about the face and throat.
As it turned out, the three men were plain-clothed Galveston police officers who had been called to the area regarding three white prostitutes soliciting a white man and a black drug dealer.

Joyce’s ire is also appropriate, so here it is in full:

Where the fuck do these guys get off? They are called out because three white woman were allegedly soliciting, and the cops end up arresting (kidnapping) a twelve year old black girl two blocks away. After wrongfully arresting and brutally restraining her (scaring the bejeezus out of the little girl and scarring her for life), they had the gall to arrest her three weeks later AT HER SCHOOL for resisting arrest. The case was declared a mistriail on the first day but still. This girl should be rewarded damages, a full, heartfeld apology, and a lifetime of free maid service by the policemen who mistreated her so. Since they apparently aren’t very useful as police officers, OR human beings, they should be made to fetch her slippers. Being a black girl’s man servant for the rest of their life has to be a more just punishment than jail time (and will cost the state nothing). I should totally be a judge.

With that kind of ruling, I’d totally hire you as a judge, Joyce.

I also loved a very appropriate quote from H.L. Menken left in the comments section to this story:

“Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats.”

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Can I Smell Your Schweaty Balls?

6a00d83451f25369e200e54f85e8368834-800wi.jpgI guess it’s cheaper than hiring a private investigator:

Police are seeking an arrest warrant for a man accused of hitting his wife after she asked to smell his penis to determine whether he was cheating with another woman, according to a police report released Wednesday.
The 37-year-old victim told investigators her husband of three years punched her face and kicked her arms and legs Monday night after she accused him of having an affair.
The victim said she told her 25-year-old husband as he used the restroom “to display his penis to her so that she can smell it,” the report states.
She said she asked him to show his genital area so she could determine whether he was cheating with another woman.
As she went to sniff her husband’s penis, he reportedly punched her mouth and started to kick her when she was on the floor. The husband then fled the scene.

You know what’s almost as bad as being punched in the mouth? Smelling a penis that’s just been removed from adultery sex.

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The $54 Million Pants Guy Goes Home with Empty Pockets

81129.jpgOur friend, Judge Roy Pearson, has finally come to the end of his long journey, losing his final appeal in his efforts to mock the legal system.

Roy L. Pearson, the former administrative law judge who sued his dry cleaner for $54 million over a misplaced pair of pants, lost his final appeal in the District’s highest court.
“Appellant failed to establish either that the Chungs’ ‘Satisfaction Guaranteed’ and ‘Same Day Service’ signs constituted false or misleading statements, or that they lost his pants.
“Thus, the judgment for the Chungs on the fraud and CPPA claims was proper. Further, the trial court did not abuse its discretion in denying appellant’s motions for a jury trial,” says the D.C.’s Court of Appeals ruling.

Damn it. I thought when someone advertised “Satisfaction Guaranteed,” they meant, “If we lose your pants, we owe you $54 million.” Guarantees just don’t mean what they used to, I guess.

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Shark Takes Joyride Down the Slide of Death

shark_attack_0005_Layer-5_full.jpgAbsolutely not legal related at all, but come on: A shark finds out what happens when you jump onto the kiddie slide. You die:

“Yesterday morning at around 9:30 AM, prior to the resort’s waterscape opening to guests, a 12+-year-old female reef shark jumped over an 18 inch wide and 1 foot high sustaining structure into the resort’s Leap of Faith water slide.
The Atlantis Aquarists believe the shark was startled by an unusual circumstance that we have no way of defining completely. In the over ten years guests have experienced the Leap of Faith, the reef shark itself, harmless to humans as it is fed regularly by our staff, had shown no previous incidences of leaping out of the water in the marine habitat …
… The habitat itself is part of the resort’s open system which filters water from the Atlantic Ocean and is completely separated from the chlorinated water system on the slides. Once the shark fell onto the slide and into the chlorinated water, it was in significant distress.
The Marine Aquarium Operations team responded immediately and was able to retrieve the animal at the bottom of the slide and return the animal to the main marine habitat in an attempt to resuscitate her. Despite the team’s best efforts to recover the animal, it died shortly after the occurrence.

I would feel sorry for the poor creature. Except it’s a shark. And all sharks, harmless or not, should be thrown into chlorinated water.

More photographs of the gruesome shark suicide over on TMZ, a website that should otherwise never be visited.

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Alex, I’ll take the left arm for $500


(Hat tip: The Smoking Gun.)

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Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em

honesty.jpgThere’s a woman in Muncie, Indiana named Honesty Knight. For serious. Honesty Knight.

Anyway, Ms. Knight was recently in a car that was pulled over for a traffic violation. The trooper was talking to the driver about the traffic violation, and Honesty was jonesing for a smoke, so she asked the trooper if it was ok for her to light a cigarette.

He said yes but, after Honesty lit the smoke, he got suspicious. Rightfully so, because it was a doobie. And Honesty was arrested for possession.

I mean, I can’t even begin to fathom what was going through her head. Maybe she was already high to begin with?

…I guess Honesty isn’t always the best policy.

Bah-dum-dum! Thank you, I’ll be here all night.

(Hat tip to reader Mike)

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Well, Someone at Fox News Is Decent Enough to Call a Bitch a Bitch

300_62402.jpgAlan Colmes — the weird looking liberal over on Fox News (that the one liberal on the channel looks like an alien is probably part of their master plan) — recently took issue with Anne Coulter after she inexplicably demanded an apology, saying that she was somehow in the justified in persistently calling President-elect Obama by only his middle name, Hussein, because he’s decided to go by his full name in his swearing-in ceremony in January.

“I would like my apology now,” she smirked, folding her arms and tossing her head pertly. “I’m ready.”
“Not an apology,” responded Colmes sternly. “He is following tradition in terms of how a president is sworn in. You purposely underscored his middle name, diminishing his first name, to point out that he had the name of a terrorist!”
Coulter, who had previously noted that Obama “also said that this was to ‘reboot’ our relations with the Muslim world,” insisted in response, “It can not simultaneously be a hate crime to use a man’s middle name and … for him to say ‘this is going to change our relations with the Muslim world.’”
“Ann,” Colmes finally said in frustration, “I think you are a hate crime.”
“Thank you,” Coulter replied smugly.

Evil. Pure fucking evil. If her head spun around and she spat out fire, I’d be the least surprised man on Earth.

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Another Law Designed to Keep Lawyers in Bidness

425.fourchristmases.vaughn.witherspoon.lc.102308.jpgThe latest state cyber-bullying law is getting its first test in Missouri after a 21-year-old woman threatened a 16-year-old girl via text message and dumped a can of pork and beans on her car. Apparently, the 16-year-old got a lot of vulgar voice mails and one person even threatened rape, all over some boy. Nicole A. Williams was charged with misdemeanor harassment for sending the voice and text messages, as well as letting her friends to do the same.

The law is part of a growing national trend — 18 states now have laws against cyber-stalking and Internet harassment. Illinois, in fact, has a law going into effect on January 1, stating which prohibits “a website with third-party access that contains ‘harassing statements made for the purpose of alarming, tormenting or terrorizing a specific person.’” Hmmm. What if that harassing statements were aimed at the website owner? In fact, a man threatened to kill my family the other day because I dissed both a movie and Santa Claus in my Four Christmases review.

People take their Christmas movies very seriously. Fortunately, I don’t take their death threats with equal measure.

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Well that’ll harsh your buzz

giant-joint.jpgDonald L. Johnson was just trying to enjoy his high, man, when the local cops had to come in and bust it all up by arresting him and issuing 10 citations. Well, not so much citations as traffic tickets. Because Johnson, you see, was driving his riding lawnmower around downtown at the time.

The better part of the story is that the Johnson drew attention to himself not just because he was riding the mower downtown at midnight, but because there was another man riding on the hood. And that guy got a ticket for not wearing a seatbelt!

What would Obama do?

birthday-cake.jpgAccording to one Pennsylvania man, he’d show love for Hitler.

Stick with me on this — it’ll make sense in a second.

Heath Campbell and his wife Deborah are flipping angry. Deborah called the local ShopRite (a PA-area grocery store chain) and ordered up a cake for her 3-year-old son’s birthday. And she wanted his name put on it. The baker refused, and the supervisor refused as well. This is the third time in as many years that ShopRight has refused to give this kid the treat his parents so want him to have.

What’s the stink about?

The kid’s fucking name is Adolf Hitler Campbell.

So the parents went to Wal-Mart to get their cake, because good ol’ Wal Mart has no qualms about such things.

Papa Heath says he just doesn’t get why folks are so worked up, because he thinks “people need to take their heads out of the cloud they’ve been in and start focusing on the future and not the past.”

And then here’s the money quote:

“There’s a new president and he says it’s time for a change; well, then it’s time for a change,” the 35-year-old continued. “They need to accept a name. A name’s a name. The kid isn’t going to grow up and do what (Hitler) did.”

So yeah, the change we want, the change we need, is apparently to love hillbilly parents who name their kid after Adolf Fucking Hitler.

And I suppose we also have to love young Adolf’s younger sister’s name which is, I shit you not, is JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell.

Great family, this one.

(Hat tip to our Pajiba Lover.)

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Taking hating your mother’s guts to a whole new level!

zombie-eating-guts.jpgA wonderful Dutch reader of ours, Joyce, passed along this email (with the above brilliant headline) about a case that’s right up QuizLaw’s alley. Unfortunately, the only stories she found were in Dutch and we can only read Dutch when we’re high. That’s OK. She does the story more justice than I could anyway. From the email (warning: Extremely Disgusting):

A Kazachstani national by name of Mikhail Bolshakov (21) stabbed his mother Vera (48) to death on Sunday night in Mechelen (Belgium) after they’d had a fight. Afterwards he cut her open, and proceeded to eat her guts. He then choked on said guts and had to be resuscitated by the police.

His neigbour Suzy Juliens had heard the fight and went to her roof terrace to check if everything was all right. She saw the woman trying to escape towards her, but she was stopped by her son. Minutes later she heard banging and scratching at the door. When she opened it she found Mikhail on top of his mother as he was stabbing her. She slammed to door to go call for help, when all turned quiet. When the police came the hall was empty. They found them in their appartment, Vera’s throat had been sliced and she was gutted. Mikhael was choking on her uterus.

Apparently he had tried to gauge her eyes out two years ago, after which he was comitted. The neighbours found him to be a quiet and friendly boy, who was often seen riding his folding bike around the neighbourhood. The man has been arrested for matricide. The motive remains unknown.

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Fire Up Those Salivary Glands, Floridians …

spit.jpgIn Sarasota, spitting is legal again! Hooray!

City commissioners voted Monday to abolish a law dating back to 1908 that banned spitting. They argued the law was unenforceable. Lawyers said it was used to target those in lower income neighborhoods.
But for the past century it was illegal. And although seldom enforced, it’s still illegal to spit on sidewalks and other public spaces in many cities.

No word on whether spitting in someone’s eye is legal yet. It is Florida, after all.

Which judge got the call right?

judge.jpgBoth judges were looking at criminal defendants with a history of crimes.

In England, a 24-year-old heroin addict was sentenced with 14 years in the clink for burglary. But despite having committed 145 crimes, ">the judge deferred the guy’s sentence for three months and said if the guy stayed out of trouble, he wouldn’t have to serve any time.

Here in the states, meanwhile, a 42-year-old woman was facing charges for passing bad checks, the latest in a string of crimes dating back to when she was 15. But despite the fact that a jury found her innocent, the judge used a probation violation and her history of crime to toss her in the clink for 55 years.

One more chance, or a half-century in the clink … who ya got?

Ok, explain this to me

cigar-bar.jpgLook, I get the idea of banning smoking in the normal workplace. Workers didn’t sign-up to work in a smokey joint that’s bad for their health. And I get the idea of banning smoking in bars and restaurants, because, again, workers shouldn’t have to breathe the fumes, nor should all the non-smoking customers. Totally get it.

But what the fuck is the Nanny State doing banning smoking bars? Boston just put the kibosh on all cigar and hookah bars (though they’ll have 10-20 years before they have to shutter up), joining 50+ communities across the country that have banned private smoking clubs.

But customers and employees know what they’re signing up for with smoking bars. It’s in the fucking name!

The chairwoman of the commission says that this is about making the city as healthy as possible. Ok, so are they going to ban the gazillion Dunkin Donuts in the city? Shut down all the fast food joints?

Yeah, that’s what I thought. Fucking Nanny State bullshit.

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Well, You Can’t Argue They Don’t Have a Delicious Sense of the Ironic

bill-shatner-negotiator.jpgHere’s a kidnapping expert you probably don’t want to take any advice from:

A well-known U.S. anti-kidnapping expert has himself fallen victim to the wave of abductions in Mexico as unidentified assailants snatched him from a street in the northern state of Coahuila.

Local authorities say American Felix Batista was in Mexico to give talks and offer advice against kidnapping. The former U.S. army officer sometimes serves as a negotiator with kidnappers.

I think I’d suggest finding the area hostage negotiator before he becomes a hostage himself. Because then he’d be negotiating his own hostage while the kidnapping expert would be … oh shit … My poor attempt at meta just shorted out my brain.

I do hope they find this guy’s kidnappers soon.

He Had it Comin’ …

1193813220.pjpegThis is the best excuse since, “Honey. Honestly, I just slipped and fell and my penis landed in her vagina. For reals!”

A man who tried to suffocate a prostitute told police the woman accidentally put her head inside the plastic bag. The Supreme Court in Brisbane was told on Monday 22-year-old Dirk Antoni Van Den Brand had tried to suffocate the 37-year-old woman at her Brisbane home in September last year. Prosecutor Michael Lahane said Van Den Brand slipped the plastic bag over the woman’s head and tightened his hands around her neck as she escorted him to the door.
Mr Lahane said Van Den Brand told police he had arrived at the woman’s apartment with sex aids in the plastic bag. He said as he was going to leave he had simply been holding the open plastic bag at her head level, and the woman had turned and accidentally walked into it. Van Den Brand said the woman panicked and struggled, and then he was unfairly assaulted by her boyfriend.

Her head just fell into the plastic bag, huh? Sure, sure. And then she ran into my knife. She ran into my knife ten times! Right?

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The (Kinda-Sorta) Daily Memo - 12/15/08

check.jpgThe leading question on change.gov’s list of submissions for Obama’s transition teams is whether the soon-to-be-Prez will consider legalizing marijuana. (a href=”http://www.salem-news.com/articles/december122008/barack_cannabis_12-12-08.php”>Salem News)

check.jpgYeah, no shit the SEC has some questions to answer about this Madoff debacle. (Law.com)

check.jpgLame duck Bush undermining Obama? Shocking! (Guardian)

check.jpgTo grade or not to grade, that is the question! …But it’s ok if you get it wrong, because QuizLaw’s a pass/fail course. (Bitter Lawyer)

check.jpgLarry Lessig is heading back to Harvard, but it sounds like he won’t be focusing on IP any more, with a new project looking at the conflicts inherent in public institutes taking private funding. (WSJ Law Blog)

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Dude, her circus tickets are cheap!

No textbook left behind

textbooks.jpgOh, Philly, you never disappoint:

Superintendent Arlene Ackerman ordered audits of the textbook supply of every school in the 167,000-student district after some teenagers told Ackerman last month they did not have books. The district has spent $124 million in textbooks since 2005.
Teams of administrators have completed checks at all high schools and are moving on to middle schools, they said.
“In most cases, the books were available,” said Tomas Hanna, chief of school operations.

I know. You’re asking, “Seth, if the books were available, why didn’t the students have them?” There’s a simple question, of course — they lost the books.

The main issue, Ackerman said, is that the district has no central tracking system for books. She pledged to institute one by the spring.


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He Hates these Flags? Get Away from the Flags!

Man, I may never get tired of this video and the look of dumb-ass shock on W’s face when a shoe hurtles over his head. Is that a half-grin he displays?

Also, is anyone else the least bit bothered that it seemed to take a good 5 - 10 seconds before the Secret Service came out? If those shoes were bullets, no one would’ve been around to take one in the chest.

That’ll show Bush to make surprise visits, I suppose.

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Well that’s a relief because, frankly, that’s the last thing I want to see


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The (Kinda-Sorta) Daily Memo - 12/11/08

check.jpgShould we just let Obama enjoy his smokes? (Slate)

check.jpgSpoilsport judge orders a deposition excerpt to be taken down from YouTube. (Law.com)

check.jpgLearned Foote? (Supreme Dicta)

check.jpgHey Larry Craig, do me a favor. Go the fuck away already. (WSJ Law Blog)

How’s this for a technicality?

image_8061641.jpgIn most divorce cases, ex-spouses who are required to pay alimony usually only must do so until his or her ex picks up with a new significant other, generally defined by when that person is cohabiting with someone else. Out in Florida, an ex-husband paying $2000 a month in alimony, discovered neat little way to define cohabiting partner:

Andrew Craissati of Palm Beach Gardens had challenged paying alimony to his former wife, Patricia, arguing that their agreement called for him to pay only until her remarriage or if she “cohabitated” with another person for more than three months.
Patricia Craissati, 48, was later sentenced to prison.
The 4th District Court of Appeal ruled Wednesday that she is indeed “cohabitating” - with her cellmate.
Two members of the three-judge panel concurred and ordered her alimony payments stopped. A third dissented, writing Craissati’s involuntary assignment to a cellmate is not cohabitation. “I would affirm the trial court’s reasoning that this is an absurd result,” wrote Judge Larry Klein.
The couple divorced in 2001. In 2005, Patricia Craissati was sentenced to nine years in prison for a DUI accident which severely injured two men. She is at Hillsborough Correctional Institution on the west coast.

It’s not like she really needs $2000 a month while in prison, right? And it’s hard to feel sorry for a woman who badly injured two men while drunk driving. Bad precedent? Perhaps. Lawyerly bullshit? Absolutely. Fair result? I’m not complaining.

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The economy is fixed!!!

bcs.jpgI mean it must be if Congress has time to focus on legislation aimed at ending the BCS in favor of a college football playoff The bill is being sponsored by a Texas Congressman, representative Joe Barton, and co-sponsored by another Texan and an Illinoisian (what the hell do you refer to those from Illinois as? Illinian?). It would ban the promotion of any football game as a “national championship” unless that game is the final game of a playoff system, and violations of the bill would be treated as unfair or deceptive business.

Look, I hate the BCS system as much as the next guy. But is this really the best use of Congressional time and resources? I mean, those fuckers still haven’t given me my bailout yet, you know? Let’s get Seth some money and then focus on college football. Much thanks.

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Congrats, Canada! Your Obama is Coming …

Thumbnail image for ignatieff-584-cp-5854727.jpg

Pajiba’s Canadian Wonder, Ranylt Richildis, alerted me to the latest development in the Canadian political clusterfuck, and by most accounts, it’s exceptional news. Michael Ignatieff has risen to the top of the Liberal Party, and looks likely to be Canada’s next prime minister.

Ignatieff is actually a little better known here in America than he was in Canada, up until recently. In fact, until 2005, he was the director of Harvard’s Carr Center for Human Rights (where my wife and sometimes QuizLaw contributor also worked during Ignatieff’s stint — she is mum on his dreamy factor). I understand, too, that he had taken a controversial position on the Iraq War, as well, supporting America’s invasion on grounds that Saddam Hussein was committing human rights atrocities in America, one that didn’t sit well with Molly while she was working there, though she was nevertheless an admirer.

After resigning from Harvard, he instantly became a favorite to become Canada’s leader, this despite the fact that Ignatieff — until recently — had not spent very much of the last 35 years in his home country and had long identified himself as an American.

In either respect, when and if Stephen Harper is ousted, as expected, after the budget vote in January, Ignatieff is in position to take over. I don’t know how most of our Canadian readers feel about it, but Ranylt describes him as a ” charismatic leader with a brain and an unsullied record” and a dream pairing to go along with Obama.

The economy is in global meltdown, but it does appear as though the civilized world is starting to turn to leaders who can help, instead of guys they can have a beer with.


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Men can’t help falling asleep after sex

asleep-after-sex.jpgSeriously, we can’t. It’s in our DNA. So you can’t really blame Vipul Romik Sharma for falling asleep after having sex. What you can blame him for is that said sex was forced after meeting a woman in a bar and abducting her off to a nearby park. When he was done raping her, he decided it was a good idea to let her drive, and he promptly fell asleep in the passenger seat. So his victim made a beeline for the local police station and the still sleeping Sharma was promptly arrested.

Last month, a New Zealand jury found him guilty of abduction and two counts of rape, and he’ll be sentenced next month. I hope his big burly inmate doesn’t let him sleep peacefully, if you catch my drift.

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RIP Boston Legal

boston_legal_tv_show.JPG(The following is cross-posted from Pajiba)

After four-and-a-half quietly strong seasons, David E. Kelley’s remarkable “Boston Legal” quietly passed away last night. We rarely mentioned “Boston Legal” around these parts, and though I contemplated it several times, I never mustered up the effort to write the review that “Boston Legal” deserved, knowing as I did that it would be received largely with indifference here (on Pajiba).

But “Boston Legal” was the best show of David Kelley’s long hit-and-miss career, and I say that as someone who actually loved most of his earlier shows (“The Practice,” “Ally McBeal” and “Picket Fences,” in particular, or at least the first few seasons of each, before they lost focus on the cases and devolved into soapy melodramas). “Boston Legal” on its face was no different than most legal shows. It had no gimmick. No high-concept premise. No one had telepathic powers, and there were (thankfully) no dancing babies. It was just a solid legal show that relied on the fundamentals: Compelling cases, sharp writing, and strong characters.

The strongest of those two characters were the Alan Shore and Denny Crane, played with Emmy-winning impeccability by James Spader and William Shatner in what I personally believe were the best characters of their respective careers. James Spader played a smug, misogynistic, sex-hungry, idiosyncratic, pinko-liberal attorney and Shatner was his gun-toting, Mad-Cow ridden, Alzheimer’s inflicted best friend and foil, and I’m not sure network television has ever featured a friendship as warm and homoerotic and caring as theirs was. They creeped my shit out more than a few times, but their end-of-show, get-off-my-lawn chats never failed to bring home a bit of poignancy. Kelley used those two as mouthpieces to vent about the legal system, the Bush Administration, the rising technocracy, and the state of network television. I’m actually pleasantly surprised with how much of “Boston Legal’s” content ABC allowed them to get away with — they probably assumed no one was watching. Props go to the network for allowing it to run as long as it has, despite mediocre ratings, and allowing Kelley to go out on his own terms with a two-hour finale.

Over the five years, there was also a rotating series of regulars, some of them more or less annoying than the others, though I found that this final season finally found the exact right, minimal balance with Candace Bergen, John Laroquette, Christian Clemson, and Tara Summers, who were each incredible in their roles, as was Julie Bowen in her stint, and Michael J. Fox in an Emmy-winning guest starring role.

But this is not a review of “Boston Legal.” It’s too late for that. And I very much doubt I could convince the unwilling to watch it in reruns, anyhow. I just wanted to mark the passing and, personally, show my appreciation for one of the few shows on television that I never missed an episode of. It wasn’t appointment viewing, and it wasn’t a show that got talked about on the blogs. But it was something I looked forward to every week — a solid, dependable show that rarely, if ever, let me down. And that, in and of itself, is a rarity on network television these days. I’ll miss the show’s swagger. Its bravado. Its intelligence. And its smug superiority. But most of all, I’ll miss it’s heart.

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If William Tell Were a Fetishist …

cheney-naked-woman.jpg… he’d probably be something like Vedran Ribaric, who combined his two favorite pastimes — sex and shooting — into one activity.

Vedran Ribaric, 26, forced wife Mirna to strip to her knickers and run round her garden while he took pot shots at the terrified woman.
He ever persuaded the frightened 23-year-old to pose provocatively while he took aim.
Ribaric was jailed for three and a half years for torture at Zapresic in Croatia.
A neighbour said: “Shooting at a beautiful woman like her is crazy. Couldn’t he have practised on a wild pig like everyone else?’

My favorite part is the quote: “Couldn’t he have practiced on a wild pig like everyone else?” If everyone else uses wild pigs as target practice, Croatia must be the world’s Florida.

And are we postiive that wasn’t Dick Cheney?

That Virgin Mary Sure Gets Around

MaryMRI_t220.jpgA reader, Mark, sent this tip, explaining that it doesn’t have any real legal substance, but it does take place in Florida. That makes it close enough for our purposes. After all, QuizLaw is just as much about documenting the crazy as it is the legally related. And you gotta admire the entrepreneurship of this cancer victim:

A 42-year-old woman without insurance and mounting medical bills plans to sell an MRI scan of her brain in which the image of the Virgin Mary seems to appear.
Pamela Latrimore has been sick for years with cancer, arthritis and a series of serious ailments she blames on a childhood in Jacksonville, Ark., a place that has been investigated by the U.S. government for possible dioxin exposure. Dioxin is a toxic chemical linked to a variety illnesses including cancer and liver problems.
In 2002, Latrimore had an MRI of her brain done and the results were stashed in her thick pile of medical records. Her sister-in-law looked at the sheet recently and pointed out what appeared to be the image of the Virgin Mary.

You gotta admit it’s a pretty impressive likeness. And it looks like the sort of picture that’d look great cast in velvet and adorned over a faux-mantle in a lovely trailer home.

Where else can you read about Canadian politics and stupid Floridians in one fell swoop?

quirky-scrabble.jpgNo where but QuizLaw, that’s where!

Look, last week I posted about the fact that the ol’ QuizLaw is in the running for quirkiest blawg of the year. I also said that we may not sink to the type of demeaning tactics we undertook last year to win the ABA Journal’s award for Best Generally Speaking Blog.

And we still may not. That being said, it doesn’t sit well in my belly, or my auntie nellie for you fans of Cockney rhyming slang, that we’re currently losing to a blog from across the pond, one that is questioning our country’s ability to have fair elections is this here internet contest. That’s some shenanigans. Are you going to let some English website come into our internets and belittle us like that?

Vote QuizLaw if you love America!

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Public humiliation, thy name is this guy

humiliation.jpgFrederick Tanne is a Manhattan senior partner at Kirkland & Ellis, a big firm of which I could say nasty things but won’t because I’m about to go to trial against them and don’t need to give them locker room bulletin board fodder. Anyway, earlier this year he sued his wife of 22 years, claiming that she cheated on him and, as a result, gave him herpes. Which led to pain and suffering, etc. etc., money please.

The thing of it is, his wife recently filed court papers showing that she’s negative for the herp so, whoops, looks like you got it from some straying of your own, Mr. Tanne. To be fair, it is possible to get the herp with actually having sex, but it means Tanne was at least rubbing up against another. And now what’s he got to show for it? A worthless lawsuit and a public record of his STD. Fail.

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QuizLaw’s Mother of the Week Award Goes to:

18210872_240X180.jpg… Sherri A. Feuston, who discovered a better way than washing his mouth out with soap to punish her child for swearing. She drew on his head. With crayon.

A Delaware County woman was arrested after her 9-year-old son told police she held him down and used a crayon to scratch a derogatory word onto his forehead before sending him to school.
Selma Elementary School officials called police on Tuesday when the fourth-grader showed up with the word “b**ch” written on his forehead, 6News’ Rick Hightower reported.
“When little kids at school came up asking him what happened to his forehead he became embarrassed and cried,” said Delaware County investigator Nancy Marvin. “That made his face red. It stood out even more, which made it worse.”
The boy’s mother — Sherri A. Feuston, 30 — when questioned about the incident, told police she was just playing around with her son. She said she sat on the boy’s chest and wrote the word as they were roughhousing.

The prize for winning this week’s Award: All three of your children will be taken away from you and place in the care of family members. Congratulations, Sherri. You’re a true inspiration.

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The Law is the Law is the Law. Damnit.

539daw.jpgAnd don’t think that going into labor is gonna get you out of it.

A man in Massachusetts is appealing a $100 ticket he got for driving to a hospital in the breakdown lane of a gridlocked Boston highway while his wife was in labor.
The Boston Globe reports that a state trooper pulled over John Davis and his wife Jennifer for using the breakdown lane on Nov. 18.
The Dracut man says his wife’s contractions were three minutes apart. The couple says the trooper made them wait five to 10 minutes while he wrote a ticket for another car on Route 2, asked to see Jennifer’s belly to prove her pregnancy, then issued them a ticket.
The couple made it to Mount Auburn Hospital in Cambridge. Their daughter was born five hours later.

How’s that for entitled parents? Pffft. You think just because you’re about to give new life to the world you’re supposed to be excepted from traffic laws? Hell no. That cop should’ve tased them both. And then escorted them back to their home and made them start again. The only problem here is that $100 wasn’t enough — how’s the Great State of Massachusetts gonna raise capitol if they let off soon-to-be-parents with a $100 slap on the wrist. Lock ‘em up. Make her have that baby in prison. That’s what I say! And then give that baby to DSS so it’ll be able to grow up a normal child outside the influence of those despicable traffic violators.

Oooooh. Cute baby.

The (Kinda-Sorta) Daily Memo - 12/8/08

check.jpgHere’s a trick to upping the odds of the Supremes granting you some cert. (Slate)

check.jpgLooks like the Big 3 are getting their bailout as well. Seriously, where the fuck is my bailout? (Reuters)

check.jpgThe first military execution in almost half-a-century has been stayed by a federal judge. (CNN)

check.jpgObama may have to make an early decision regarding “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” (Law.com)

check.jpgMmmmmm … “pissing contest: urine removal lawsuit continues.” (34(B)log)

check.jpg:( Emoticons may equal entrapment. (WSJ Law Blog)

“That guy’s bell sounds a bit muffled, no?”

salvation-army.jpgPoor Gerald Warner is homeless. So you could understand if he was feeling a bit bitter about his lot in life, or if he’s lost a few of his marbles from years of the street life. But would you be surprised to learn that he was recently at a local Kmart, where he encountered a Salvation Army volunteer and offered to donate the small amount of change he, himself, had collected over the course of the day?

Of course you would. Because Warner actually offered to donate something else, telling the man: “If you don’t stop ringing that bell, I’m going to shove it up your ass.”

Warner was also sharing his Christmas Spirit with the blue light customers, throwing some curses their way as they came and went. So the Sheriff was called and Warner was arrested for disorderly intoxication. He also landed a charge of resisting arrest when he refused to get out of the cop car when it pulled up to the station.

What I don’t understand is this — this took place in Florida (of course). So how could the cops tell that he was drunk just because he was out in the public cursing and threatening the Salvation Army guy? I mean, that sounds like S.O.P. for Floridians, no?

This is some Hollywood shit…

point-break2.jpgLast Thursday, four men stormed into a Harry Winston boutique in Paris. They were carrying sawed-off shotguns and disguised (two were wearing ski masks, and two were wearing wigs and makeup). The staff was pistol-whipped, rounded up, and ordered by the thieves to fill a sack with lots of gems and watches. Meanwhile, one robber escorted the manager off to a hidden safe to get some of the high-end booty.

Minutes later, without having fired a shot, the foursome left the boutique, hopped on motorcycles, and took off into the night, having just pulled off the largest heist in French history (and at about 80 million euros, it’s one of the biggest heists ever).

The thieves are believed to be foreign, likely Russian or Balkan, and they clearly knew a lot about the store, as they not only knew most of the staff’s names, but knew exactly where the most valuable and precious items were. Danny Ocean is being sought for questioning.

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Email Spam Now Threatening Your Personal Extinction

hitman8.jpg So, I’m one of the dumbasses over on Facebook who just got a virus because I couldn’t resist when I got a message from a “friend “I haven’t spoken to in years that promised a video that included me. All I could think was, “How am I in a video with this guy? I barely knew him.”

Stupid me. Now all my google searches take me to paid advertisements. Good times.

Still, that’s not as bad another email spam making the rounds, the contents of which read:

“I felt very sorry and bad for you,” read the e-mail, “that your life is going to end like this if you don’t comply, I was paid to eliminate you and I have to do it within 10 days. … I might just spare your life, $8,000 is all you need to spend.”.

It gets worse:

From there, the message warns of certain death — ordered by an unnamed “friend” — unless the reader sends in $8,000 in two separate payments.
The e-mail also cautions the reader against contacting the authorities because the threat “will extend it (sic) to any member of your family since you are aware that somebody want you dead, and the person knows some members of your family as well.”

That email is gonna mess up a lot of folk’s day.

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The Situation in Canada Just Got a Little More Interesting

parliamenthill01.jpgA couple of days ago, I posted a piece on what’s going on in Canadian politics, which turned out to inspire one of the most heated comment threads we’ve had on QuizLaw. What I learned was basically two things: 1) We have a lot of (well-spoken) Canadian readers I didn’t know about, and 2) the Canadian political system is both confusing and seemingly very much in shambles right now. If the American media wasn’t so ethnocentric, this story would be on the front page of our papers every day, just for the sheer drama of it all.

To recap: Two liberal parties have joined forces with, I guess, a crazy party (secessionist) and are planning to dump the Prime Minister (who is from the conservative minority) just two months after an election where the Liberal party and it’s unpopular leader were trounced. The Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, is threatening to suspend Parliament in order to avoid a vote of no-confidence (which would remove him from office). And apparently, there are absolutely no popular politicians in Canada right now.

Last night, Stephen Harper took to the airwaves and, in a four-and-a-half minute speech (is that all they get in Canada? Less than five minutes?) tried to convince the nation that this takeover, in which the secessionists Bloc Quebecois are the power players, is undemocratic.

He said the opposition’s bid to replace his government with a coalition is a threat to Canada’s democracy. “I pledge to you that Canada’s government will use every legal means at our disposal to protect our democracy, to protect our economy, and to protect Canada.”
He added the coalition can’t be allowed to enter into a power-sharing arrangement with the separatist Bloc Quebecois.
“This is no time for backroom deals with the separatists; it is the time for Canada’s government to focus on the economy.”

From an American perspective, the idea of a conservative leader in Canada strikes many of us as odd — we sort of equate Canadian conservatism with something, perhaps, just to the right of Dennis Kucinich. Because we’re dumb and uninformed and Canadians apparently pay 80 percent of their income to taxes in exchange for the right to wait three weeks in an emergency room. But, from what I gather now, Stephen Harper is a legitimate right winger, at least fiscally. Though he apparently still has quite a bit of support.

I’m not sure how this is all gonna shake out, but you know what? I’m intrigued, and we’re going to follow it. Because Canadian politics just got fascinating.

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Give Your Child the Gift of Poison this X-Mas

08272horserider.jpgAs the economy continues its free-fall and we head into the holiday season, we’ve started to hear a lot about the joys and benefits of cutting back on presents this Christmas. In case you need another reason, NPR reported today on a new study of children’s toys that suggests we’re quite literally poisoning our kids. The team behind the “Healthy Toys” study tested over 1,500 toys — including books, stuffed animals, games, action figures, toy jewelry etc — and found that “one-third of the toys contained significant levels of lead, arsenic and other chemicals. The results showed no consistent correlation between the presence of toxic chemicals in toys and where they were made or how much they cost…The one exception to that rule would be cheap children’s jewelry…[which] is five times as likely to have elevated levels of lead in it than any of the other products tested.” In addition, NPR reports that “Infant books and bath toys are among other products that received poor scores.”

Perhaps most chilling for those who have assumed buying US-made toys might circumvent the problem, this study suggests that provides no protection: “21 percent of toys made in China and 16 percent made elsewhere contained high or moderate levels of lead. Of the U.S.-made toys tested, 35 percent had detectable levels of lead.”

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Dr. Horrible gets political…

This video was everywhere on the internet yesterday. I ran across it on at least a dozen separate sites over the course of the day. Fuck, it was even posted as an article on our fantasy football league’s site.

And yet I’m betting there’s at least one of you out there who hasn’t seen. So here you go.

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This explains so much …

Men_in_Black_1.jpgRemember the movie Men in Black, where the big joke was that all the creepy, marginal, bizarre people in New York are actually aliens? It was funny because it kind of seemed like it could be true, right? Well, a new study suggests that, while we might not be constantly interacting with extraterrestrials, we ARE constantly interacting with crazy people. Or rather: Most of us are crazy people.

According to the study, released Monday in the Archives of General Psychiatry, 1 in 5 young Americans has a personality disorder. The numbers get worse if you cast a slightly wider net — “Counting substance abuse, the study found that nearly half of young people surveyed have some sort of psychiatric condition.” And evidently the National Institute of Mental Health has estimated that 1 in 4 U.S. adults suffers from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year.

All I have to say is, no wonder GW got elected twice.

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The Christmas Spirit — Florida Style

i2christmas_tree.pngForget beating up Carolers. In Florida, they do Christmas right. And by “right,” I mean: They beat each other up with Christmas trees.

Authorities say a west Florida man who lives with his parents has been arrested on a felony assault charge after he used a Christmas tree as a weapon to attack his father.
According to the Manatee County sheriff’s report, 37-year-old Thomas Edward Lackie was arrested last week after he threw a 3-foot Christmas tree at his father. The tree missed, but Lackie then tried to use the steel base from the tree to strike his father.
His father and mother were able to grab Lackie’s arms to prevent the attack. Deputies say the tree could have caused serious injuries because the metal base weighs about five pounds.

Sometimes Christmas fights back, y’all. Happy Holidays!

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Kids stab the darndest things

knife-robbery.jpgYou want quirky, ABA, how’s this for quirky — in Florida (where else?), a seven-year-old first grader has been arrested. And accused of robbing one of his classmates.

In the school bathroom.

For a dollar.

At knifepoint.

Oh, wait. That’s not very quirky at all, is it? Kinda sad, really.

At least the poor victim/kid wasn’t too hurt, with only a nosebleed to show from the ordeal (it’s apparently unclear whether this was from the knife being pressed against his nose, or whether it was just a regular, run of the mill “shit, I’m just a kid and this other kid has a fucking knife pressed against my nose” variety).

Knifey McYoungster has been suspended for 10-days, and will likely be expelled to a school that can supposedly deal with problem childs.

Remember the movie Problem Child? Fucking John Ritter, man! Is it at all weird that one of my fondest memories of him is from a certain classic scene in Skin Deep?

…You know what? I don’t want our readers to go vote for us as quirkiest blawg. Fuck that shit. I want our readers to pour one out for our homie John Ritter.


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We’re quirky!

2008-blawg-100.jpgLast year, we won a hotly contested battled to be named the Best Generally Speaking Blog in the ABA Journal’s Blawg 100. We begged, pleaded and stole to get the necessary votes, and it was worth it, because look at that little badge that’s lived in our sidebar for the past year. Hells yeah!

Well the Journal’s posted its new list of the top 100 Blawgs, and this year the ol’ QuizLaw has been nominated in the “Quirky” category. We’re already losing to several blawgs and, this year, we’re not going to campaign as madly as we did last year. We’d love your vote, and we’d love to win and get a shiny new badge, but we’re not going to talk about the fate of the anti-robot world being held in the balance, nor are we going to take toys away from cute kids. We’re better than that.


But if you want to throw a vote our way, we won’t hold it against you.

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All I Want for Christmas is your Two Front Teeth

SantaCo.jpgHere’s yet another story out of Canada. Now that their Prime Minister is on the outs, irritated people have taken to punching out Christmas Carolers.

Vancouver police say they are investigating a possible hate crime after a 24-year-old man was punched in the face several times for singing Christmas carols.
The victim was walking past a Christmas light display in downtown Vancouver on Sunday night when he and a friend broke into song.
Another group of men objected, shouted a gay slur, then punched the victim and ran off.
The victim’s friends called 911 and followed the alleged attacker. Police quickly arrested 21-year-old Christopher Mercier, who is charged with one count of assault.
Michael Kandola is awaiting trial on aggravated assault charges in that incident, and prosecutors have also suggested they will seek to have Kandola convicted under Canada’s hate crime legislation.

Hate crime? Oh, come now. He didn’t punch him because he was gay, he punched him for being earnest and happy and cheerful and that’s annoying. And if he was singing “Grandma Got Run over by a Reindeer,” I’d punch him, too.

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The Canadian Political System Confuses Me in the Brain

081202-harper-vmed-215a.widec.jpgI’m on the fence with regard to the logistics of the Canadian Parliamentary system. It’s a weird feather. Right now, it’s conservative Prime Minister, Stephen Harper — who is in the minority government — is in quite a pickle. He’s basically been futile as PM in the face of the current global economic crisis (though, to be fair, I don’t know any world leader that’s been particularly effective), so the opposition groups and gotten together and signed an agreement unilaterally giving themselves power. Meanwhile, it’s also set a confidence vote for Monday, which would basically topple the current administration.

But what I find kind of fascinating about this whole thing is that Stephen Harper — who apparently won a strengthened minority in October — can effectively post-pone his own toppling by possibly suspending Parliament, preventing them from voting him out. Moreover, the no-confidence vote comes because three other political parties have ganged up on the conservative party, including the Bloc Quebecois, who apparently want to break up Canada.

Want more bizarreness? If the no-confidence vote goes as planned and Stephen Harper is removed, the Liberals want to install Stephane Dion, who led his party to a thumping two months ago in national elections. So, essentially, the guy who lost in national elections two months ago would replace a Prime Minister who gained support.

I don’t get it, really. The system seems kind of sketchy and subject to whim. But, my political alignment is rooting for the Liberals, all the same.

(H/T to Ranylt, an Ottawan rooting for the coup)

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Why so bad fathering?

batman-and-joker.jpgA Salt Lake City man has pleaded guilty to a charge of reckless endangerment, stemming from an incident last July. Seems that David James Farnham decided to go see The Dark Knight while leaving his 2-year-old son locked up in the car. Now there are two ways to look at this. Farnham told the cops that his kid was sleeping, so maybe Farnham’s just a good dad who decided to let his boy get some shut eye. On the other hand, good fathers take their kids to see awesome flicks like The Dark Knight, so maybe the real recklessness of the situation isn’t leaving the kid in the car but denying him the chance to hear some raspy Christian Bale.

Plus, how’s the kid ever going to learn cool magic tricks like making a pencil disappear? Poor fathering, I’ll tell you what!

The internet just makes it easier for cops to track stupid vandals

banksy-soldier.jpgMelanie Brockway, a suburban woman of my hometown Philly, was recently busted for vandalism after tagging a ton of local properties. The woman, who apparently calls herself an aspiring artist, “spray painted graffiti on homes, businesses, newspaper boxes, playground equipment and other property.” And on some of these, she included the phrase “Devient Art.” When the cops searched the internet for this term, it eventually led them to a MySpace page using that as the username. They tracked the page back to Brockway, and when they searched her home and found spray paint, she fessed up to the tagging.

Since it obviously does not go without saying, to all you other aspiring artists out there - don’t use your internet handles as part of your graffiti. It may be good business in the short run, free advertising and all that, but it’s just not going to work out well long term.

Here’s a New One: Harassment-by-Orgy

orgy.gifI love cases of first impression. Especially ones that deal with orgies.

A former manager of the upscale restaurant at the Hilton Minneapolis who allegedly walked in on upper management having an orgy has filed a lawsuit that probably stretches liability for “undirected” sexual harassment beyond its limits.
Deborah Smith’s case may be the first to allege harassment-by-orgy, testing to what extent a plaintiff may be injured by “undirected” sexual conduct and whether a single incident of group sex amounts to “sufficiently severe or pervasive” sexual harassment.
According to the complaint, which is regrettably vague, Smith opened a door to a banquet room at the Hilton where “she discovered an orgy” with “various Hilton executives inebriated and engaging in sexual acts.”
“In fact, she observed Hilton executives on top of a table engaging in sexual activity,” the suit specifies.

Well, you know what I always say: If you can’t beat ‘em, join … actually, you know what? Beating them would be a lot more fun.

There Are Worse Ways to Be Robbed, I Suppose

ugandaboobsjpgThe “booby trap” pun is inevitable. And too appropriate not to re-use.

Uganda’s police warned male bar-goers to keep their noses clean after a probe found a gang of robbers had been using women with chloroform smeared on their chests to knock their victims unconscious.
“They apply this chemical to their chest. We have found victims in an unconscious state,” Criminal Investigations Directorate (CID) spokesman Fred Enanga told AFP.
“You find the person stripped totally naked and everything is taken from him,” he said. “And the victim doesn’t remember anything. He just remembers being in the act of romancing.”

The lesson: Don’t motorboat strangers. The unfortunate thing is, I understand that several men have been robbed repeatedly by the same woman. In the same day.

Now I Know Why the Cheesecake Factory is So Delicious

cheesecake-factory-blossom.gifThey put a little love into every bite.

Also, their genitals.

Bryce Fitzpatrick was working at the Cheesecake Factory at Chandler Fashion Center when he was promoted from server to food expeditor, a step toward management. One day, while he was inside the produce walk-in to hunt down watercress, the door suddenly swung open.
“About 10-plus cooks and dishwashers shut the lights out,” Fitzpatrick recalls. “A guy grabbed me from behind and made me put my butt on top of his genitals.” One cook grabbed Fitzpatrick’s right leg and held it up in the air. Another held his left leg. Two other men grabbed Fitzpatrick’s arms. “A cook would stand in the middle and rub his genitals into my genitals,” Fitzpatrick said.
During his tenure at the restaurant, he suffered the attacks more than 20 times (italics mine), he said. In interviews with The Arizona Republic, two other former employees of the restaurant chain described being similarly grabbed and held down by co-workers while men simulated sex with them.
A fourth worker, a manager, told The Republic of seeing firsthand one of the attacks and threatening to fire the offending workers.
Now lawyers are involved.

Here’s my question: After you’ve been sexually assaulted once, how many people stick around and allow it to happen 19 more times? Apparently, this was all part of some sexual hazing that the employees had to go through. In fact, one dude stated, “They would take turns dry raping me. I was on my back being held down. Once they were all finished taking turns on me, they threw a bunch of lettuce on me, and a bunch of herbs.”

But … who … I mean … why would … listen people: Sexual hazing is not part of the job application process. If someone dry rapes you, you quit the job. Then you file a report. Then you sue the company. Then you never need another job again. Period.

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The (Quasi) Daily Memo - 12/1/08

check.jpgIs the Bush Administration’s stance on torture ultimately a question of truth or consequences? (Slate)

check.jpgBe warned — in light of the verdict in the MySpace case, Orin Kerr has promulgates some new Terms of Use. (The Volokh Conspiracy)

check.jpgIs the bad economy resulting in less divorces? (LawInfo)

check.jpgThe Asian edition of the Wall Street Journal and two of its editors have been fined by Singapore’s highest court for publishing “scandalous” editorials damaging the country’s reputation. (WSJ Law Blog)

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Well that’s one way to end a high-speed chase

high-speed-chase.jpgHere in Southern California there are a lot of high-speed chases and the local news loves cutting into broadcasts to show the chases live. With good reason — high-speed chases are awesome. Especially when they end like this one in New Mexico:

A Santo Domingo man is in jail, accused of driving drunk and leading police on a chase that ended when he ran over himself.
A tip to the DrunkBuster hot line led police to Aguilar on Sunday.
He was heading toward Cochiti Lake, swerving across both lanes of the highway. He drove through a ditch and a barbed-wire fence before stopping. He tried to put the truck into park, but it ended up in reverse.
Police say Aguilar fell from his open door and both of his legs were run over by the front tire.

(Hat tip to reader Kristen, who thinks that “New Mexico is nearly as bad as Florida.” Come on now. If this were Florida, Aguilar would have been stone cold sober, and he would have climbed back into the car after running himself over and tried to drive off using his hands on the pedals!)

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This lawsuit stinks

perfume.jpgA federal judge has given the thumbs up to a civil suit brought by a Detroit city employee. Susan McBride, who works in the city’s Planning Department, recently filed a lawsuit under the Americans with Disabilities Act against the city, claiming that a co-worker’s perfume and cosmetics have made it difficult for her to breathe. And while the city tried to have the case dismissed, Judge Lawrence Zatkoff ruled that McBride has a potential ADA claim and is letting the case move forward.

This really sucks. I used to work at this place where I had a co-worker who wore so much perfume, you’d think she was trying to raise the fucking dead (I wonder if anyone’s ever named a perfume “Zombie Riser?”). One sniff of that shit, and a jury would’ve given me the kind of damages award I could retire on. Damn it.