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Monthly Archives: November 2008

What did the hungry hooker say to her John?

Gobble gobble!

…Thank you, I’ll be here all week.

…Actually, I won’t. QuizLaw’s taking the rest of the week off. Enjoy your turkey, enjoy your football, enjoy your families leaving when it’s all over, and enjoy your Black Friday (dump some money into the commerce chain, would ya’). Smell ya’ next Monday.


Things to be Thankful for This Thanksgiving


I am thankful that “nature” didn’t make me fall in love with my sister.

An incestuous brother and sister are taking on the European Court of Human Right to win their right to continue their relationship. Patrick Stuebing, 31, and his sister Susan Karolewski, 23, have four children together - two of which have disabilities.
According to Mr Stuebing, the German couple didn’t know eachother as children and he therefore believes their relationship is valid and legal, reports the Austrian Times. He said: “The law came in under the Nazis as part of the Third Reich’s attempts to “purify” the Ayran race.
“We didn’t know each other as young children. It is not the same thing for us. We fell in love as adults and our love is real.” Mr Stuebing, an unemployed mechanic who lives on a welfare income, was adopted at the age of four before moving in with his biological family when he was 18. Miss Karolewski says “nature took over” when she met her brother and she simply fell in love.
She added: “There was nothing we could do about it. We both were attracted to each other and then nature took over from us. “It was that simple. What else could we do? We followed our instincts and our hearts.”

Those poor people. How can you keep a brother and sister who love each other — really, really bang-each-other-in-bathroom stalls love each other — away from one another? Oh, incest: You wicked cupid.

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Finally! A Solution to the Global Economic Crisis

On the one hand, ugh — this whole video is so cute I could puke. I mean, real honest to God projectile pea-vomit. But on the other hand: Puppies!

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Penis Print Bandit Holstered

41E79RTWTSL._SL500_AA280_.jpgWhat kind of guy leaves penis prints around town? That’s just weird. From the Smoking Gun:

Nebraska’s notorious “butt bandit” was charged today with a public indecency spree in which he allegedly lathered his private parts in baby lotion and then left “butt and penis prints on local business windows” in the city of Valentine. Thomas Larvie, named today in a nine-count misdemeanor criminal complaint, was arrested last Wednesday after Officer Dana Miller spotted him “trying to hide in the shadows” near a parking lot. A detailed (and gross) probable cause affidavit, a copy of which you’ll here, notes that Larvie, 35, was wearing a handkerchief over his face and had a 16.5 ounce bottle of “Baby Magic Baby Lotion” in his pants pocket when approached by Miller at around 3:30 AM.
Oh, and Larvie’s “erect penis was partially protruding” from his unzipped pants. A subsequent police investigation determined that eight Valentine businesses—including the post office, a livestock firm, and a pharmacy—had been left with butt and/or penis prints on their doors and windows. Some of the firms also had pages from a pornographic magazine stuck on the exterior of their premises. Jay Hollenbeck’s Farm Bureau was hit particularly hard, with “penis prints on a west window, a butt and penis print on a south window, a penis print on a west window, and a penis print on the door.”

To what end does this man rub his privates in baby lotion and smear his genitalia prints on windows? Well, at least he has a hobby. It’s good to have a hobby.

She’s just got a can-do attitude, willing to do more than the mere minimum asked of her

barefeet.jpgYou or me, a cop hauls us in and asks us to take our shoes off in jail, we take our shoes off.

Tina M. Boggess, when she’s taken in by the cops, placed in a holding cell and asked to take her shoes off, she takes off her pants and starts getting naked.

Do I need to tell you had been arrested for a DUI?

And if I didn’t need to tell you that, of course I don’t have to tell you this took place in Florida.

Look Out! He is a Spiderpig!

From the BBC:

A man has been jailed for breaching the peace by singing Spiderpig from The Simpsons Movie at police officers.
David Mullen was sentenced to three months for the incident and calling an officer “ginger” in a police van.
Mullen, 22, from Blairgowrie, claimed he was singing the ditty, performed by Homer in the cartoon, because it was the ringtone on his mobile phone.
He was given a further eight months in prison for assaulting a police officer and breaching a curfew while on bail.

What a valuable use of the prison system!

Easily the Biggest Load of Bullshit You’ll See This Week

It’s not a joke. Really. Not a joke. And those aren’t Democrats thanking her for making it easier for Obama to win the election. Those are real-life Average Joe Six Packs.

Geeyod. What an embarrassment.

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God Bless Texas

Hooters_narrowweb__300x374,0.jpgWhere even the politicians have no sense of decency:

Dallas County Constable Jaime Cortes is already feeling the Christmas spirit.
But this is not your average law enforcement holiday event.
Cortes, the Precinct 5 constable who was just re-elected, is holding a political fund raiser at the Hooters restaurant in downtown Dallas.
As you can see from the flier here, the “Santa Constable Fundraiser” offers all you can eat wings and beer on Dec. 17 for just $25, brought to you by women in skimpy, tight-fitting attire.

It’s a good thing he’s raising funds; he’s probably going to need it for his eventual sexual harassment suit. Good on you, Texas.

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The Daily Memo - 11/25/08

check.jpgThe bailout bill could hit over $7 trillion. Buckle up kids, it’s going to be a loooooong and bumpy flight. (Bloomberg

check.jpgMeanwhile, the Judges are still complaining about their fucking salaries. To be fair, if we’re already spending $7 trillion of taxpayer funds, what’s another couple million, right? (Law.com)

check.jpgW’s just gave out 14 pardons and 2 commuted sentences. (LawInfo)

check.jpgWhen you get ripped off because the bag of weed you bought was just, literally, grass, the cops probably won’t be inclined to help. (QCTimes)

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My favorite police officer

officer-barbrady.jpgBack in March, the Mayor of a small New York town (the Canadian article calls Mamaroneck a “bedroom community”) was pulled over for using her cellphone while driving by Officer Michael Petrillo. When Mayor Savolt appeared in court in September, she said the incoming call was an emergency and she didn’t have a chance to pull over. Said the judge: “Ok, case dismissed.”

But the good Officer Petrillo, he don’t listen to no stinkin’ judges:

That night, he rang Savolt’s doorbell and issued a second ticket, saying he thought the judge’s decision was wrong.
“He said to me, ‘I think the ticket was unfairly dismissed, so I’m issuing a duplicate ticket,”’ Savolt said Tuesday. “So then, once I was issued a second ticket, clearly in some people’s minds it’s not a legal ticket because the case had been closed.”

Whatever lady, just take your medicine. Don’t make Officer Petrillo come back with a third ticket. The third ticket comes with a clubbing.

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One town is living up to its name…

surprise.jpgOn Sunday, a 26-year-old man in a wheelchair was stabbed. Quite a surprise, no doubt. So fitting that he was stabbed in the town of Surprise.

The victim, James Del Rio … told police he was in his wheelchair going north on Parkview Place near Mountain View Boulevard about 12:30 a.m., when a white, four-door car going south stopped next to him…. [A] man came out of the rear-passenger door, stabbed Del Rio four times in the right arm and then took off with his backpack.

But here’s the real surprise — the backpack, it had a urinal container in it!

Beady eyes and floppy heads, indeed!

blame-canada.jpgFor all the good up in Canada, they still fuck some shit up, eh. A recent court case has cost an internet carpooling startup eleven grand (Canadian). The site was designed to let folks easily arrange carpooling — good for the wallet, good for the environment. But not good for the bus companies, who “sued under an Ontario law that limits carpoolers to traveling only from home to work and back, riding with the same driver every day and paying only by the week, among other restrictions.” And won.

So it’s basically illegal to rideshare in Ontario, except in very limited circumstances. Brilliant.

(Hat tip to the Anonymous Editor.)

This Week’s Best “SNL” Skit Left on the Cutting Room Floor

Why? Because it’s too f**king funny for general consumption. Also, because nobody knows who Rahm Emanuel is. But he will cut you. And he’ll probably cut Samberg for this skit.

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Sometimes, YouTube Is Too Good to Be True

The fact that this woman exists makes me happy. So happy. There’s nothing more satisfying than seeing a young mother teach her toddler to say,”F**k Obama.”

There’s just too much crazy, and not enough world to go around.

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Arrested for Farting? That’s Flutulent!

fart-button_large.gifOnly in Florida, folks:

A 12-year-old Florida student was arrested earlier this month after he “deliberately passed gas to disrupt the class,” according to police. The child, who was also accused of shutting off the computers of classmates at Stuart’s Spectrum Jr./Sr. High School, was busted November 4 for disruption of a school function. A Martin County Sheriff’s Office report, a copy of which you’ll find below, notes that the 4’ 11” offender admitted that he “continually disrupted his classroom environment by breaking wind and shutting off several computers.”

I’m guessing the kid wasn’t the silent but deadly type. But, come on: What do you expect after those school lunches?

The Daily Memo - 11/24/08

check.jpgAnne Coulter, Star Jones and Geraldo Rivera are on this lady’s list of sexiest lawyers? Eegads. (LawInfo)

check.jpgIf you’re surprised by Obama’s slide to the center, you haven’t been paying attention to what’s been behind the rhetoric. (Salon)

check.jpgAn Iowa jury has found four people guilty of trespassing in connection with their attempt to execute a citizen’s arrest of Karl Rove back in July. (Law.com)

check.jpgTaco Bell has filed a countercalim against 50 Cent. (The Trademark Blog)

You think you’ve got landlord problems?

i-want-to-believe.jpgYou ain’t got shit. Because at least your landlord isn’t Daniel Cunningham. A building owned by the Honolulu landlord recently collapsed and he claims it was the fault of the building’s residents. If that’s all we had, this story wouldn’t be worth much. But oh no, that’s just the beginning.

However, one tenant said he saw Cunningham on the roof of the makeshift structure before the collapse.
The story has gotten even stranger. Some tenants claimed they were getting injections because they feared eviction. Richard Sumiye said he went blind after Cunningham injected a solution around his eyes with a needle.
Cunningham, who lost his chiropractor’s license and wears socks on his hands, said he is helping extend lives with stem cell therapy.
“It sounds like you don’t want to answer my question about what treatment you are giving to these people,” KITV reporter Mahealani Richardson told Cunningham.
“I don’t think it’s intelligent for me to do that because it’s a bad law,” he said.
He said that aliens created the law.
“I think you work for them. The media works for them and they own the money and they are eating people down below,” Cunningham said.
The landlord said he is trying to help the homeless and that he will clean up the mess.

Add some black oil, and this is the X-Files sequel everyone really wants.

Are you there God? It’s me, Mugshot.


(From The Smoking Gun, of course.)

These boots were made for stealin, and that’s just what I’ll do….

cowboy-boots.jpgLast month I told you about the dangerous Florida Bra Bandit, a gal who stole 452 bras worth a little under two hundred grand.

Well there’s a Texas truck driver who’d like to tell her that she ain’t shit. Because this motherfucker stole over 20,000 boots and accessories, worth over $3 million. And while the Bra Bandit did it over the course of months, our boy works fast, doing this all in two strikes, once over Labor Day weekend and again on November 9.

And what does one do with 20,000 stolen boots, you ask? Walk them all over you, of course!

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If a Tree Falls in the Woods and Everyone is Watching, Will Anyone Clean Up the Mess?

FRYE0E2FB7FC41M.MEDIUM.jpgSo, there’s this online reality TV deal called Lifecaster, right? Lots of the kids these days, they tape themselves all Ed style, and you can go on over there and watch folks go on about their mundane lives. I don’t know why anyone would want to watch someone else fiddle around on their Facebook page and Twitter, but there you go.

Anyway, so this one guy, a 19-year-old kid, he decides to kill himself on camera. Hahaha, right? What a practical joker! And all these people are watching him, live, swallow some pills, and they’re all whooping it up, having a great time watching this dude off himself, encouraging him, and waiting around for the punchline.

Only the punchline never arrives — they sat there and watched the guy fall into the afterlife. Live on the Internet. And, after several hours, the police arrived, and they were still watching the guy, leaving stupid little OMG WTF comments like it was online entertainment. Because that’s what the online world has become. Voyeuristic to the point of absurdity.

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This year, I’m thankful for Stormy Daniels

stormyd.jpgAn appeals court has said that Pulaski Township’s anti-porn ordinance is unconstitutionally vague. Which means that the local adult video store no longer has to shut down on state-recognized holidays. So this Thanksgiving, the folks in Pulaski can say “whatever” with turkey and stuffing, and go get them a video with some real stuffing.

If you know what I mean.

And I think you do.

I mean sex, people. Hardcore fucking.

Turkey basters optional.

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Florida-level Genius Found in California

big-bud.jpgChris Baker, a true American hero.

Chris Baker, 19, pulled up next to a police vehicle early Monday morning and rolled down the driver’s side window, according to the Merced County Sheriff’s Department. Baker allegedly asked Deputy Delray Shelton if he wanted something to drink, then hurled an open 12-ounce can of Budweiser through his open window into the deputy’s vehicle.
Baker then allegedly drove off and refused to stop when a nearby deputy gave pursuit. Baker allegedly sped through a parking lot and evaded pursuit on Hillside Avenue.
As authorities searched the areas, Deputy Shelton recognized Baker walking down the 9000 block Of Rochester Avenue and confronted him. Baker allegedly resisted arrest, and Shelton used his taser to subdue him.
Baker reportedly told deputies that he wanted to be arrested after his relationship with a girlfriend ended, and found it funny that he struck the deputy with the thrown beer.

You’re right, Baker. Hilarious. Thank you.

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Ra-ra, sis-boom-fail

bring-it-on.jpgIn Houston, several cheerleaders have been indicted for hazing, and the 17- and 18-year-olds of the squad now face up to six months in the clink.

It was only a tradition — a friendly pre-dawn breakfast hosted by the varsity cheerleaders at Katy’s Morton Ranch High School for the girls of the junior varsity squad. But this year, a grand jury indictment handed up on Wednesday alleges, something went horribly wrong.
Rather than being driven to an area restaurant, the junior cheerleaders were taken to a private home where, bound and blindfolded, they were pushed into a swimming pool, the indictment charges.

Wait, that’s it? They threw some bound-up girls in the pool. Ok, yes, the girls could have died, I guess. But come on. If the girls can’t survive that, how are they going to handle Cheer Camp, and the grueling national competitions? I saw Bring It On. I know what happens when it’s broughten. You gotta be tough. It ain’t all human pyramids and jazz hands, damn it!

(Hat tip to reader Stephanie.)

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Unbelievable. The 24/7 News Back to Mind-Numbing Tedium

Makes you miss election coverage. And Natalee Halloway coverage. And Anna Nicole Smith.

I mean, really: Doodles? DOODLES?!

The one redeeming point: Hearing Wolf Blitzer say doodle. Talk about a guy who needs some doodlin’.

Conspiracy Theorist Make It To the Supreme Court

thomas.jpgYeah. Barack Obama was elected to be the next President of the United States. But it’s not official yet. And apparently, Clarence Thomas thinks there’s enough evidence that he’s not a U.S. Citizen to review his birth certificate in the highest court in the land.

A case that challenges President-elect Barack Obama’s name on the 2008 election ballot citing questions over his citizenship has been scheduled for a “conference” at the U.S. Supreme Court.
Conferences are private meetings of the justices at which they review cases and decide which ones to accept for formal review. This case is set for a conference Dec. 5, just 10 days before the Electoral College is scheduled to meet to make formal the election of Obama as the nation’s next president.
The Supreme Court’s website listed the date for the case brought by Leo C. Donofrio against Nina Wells, the secretary of state in New Jersey, over not only Obama’s name on the 2008 election ballot but those of two others, Sen. John McCain and Roger Calero.
The case, unsuccessful at the state level, had been submitted to Justice David Souter, who rejected it. The case then was resubmitted to Justice Clarence Thomas. The next line on the court’s docket says: “DISTRIBUTED for Conference of December 5, 2008.”

Hey! You know what’d be funny? A laugh riot! If Barack Obama wasn’t a U.S. citizen and his election was tossed out the window! Hahahahahaha.

Oh wait. Then we’d all be fucked.

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OMG!! What are you guys, like, doing um, next weekend?

britney_spears1_300_400.jpg‘Cause evidently Britney has some pearls of wisdom to bestow. Following the incredibly horrible reception of her last attempt, Britney Spears is trying it again with a new documentary film, the brilliantly-titled and, I’m sure, thoughtfully conceived, “For the Record,” which is set to air on MTV on Nov. 30. Evidently, she feels she’s recently had some time to reflect on the past five years and develop some insight into the events and her psyche. Stuff like, you know, how she “married for all the wrong reasons.” Like what reasons, Britney? “Instead of following my heart and, like, doing something that made me really happy. I just did it because … for just, like, the idea of everything.” Oh. Right.

Other choice quotes include this gem: “It’s weird because your music is a reflection of what you’re going through,” “It’s such a part of me, the record, ‘cause of what I’ve gone through.”

Huh. Doesn’t sound too weird to me…but you know what is kind of strange? These quotes have started to remind me of someone. Can anybody say Palin-Spears 2012?

The Daily Memo - 11/20/08

check.jpgThe CA Supremes will hear arguments in March in the Prop 8 case. (LA Observed)

check.jpgMitt Romney thinks a Detroit bailout is a bad idea if we want to see the industry fix itself. And I’m half-inclined to agree, particularly because a bailout won’t fix management or bust the union power hold. (NY Times)

check.jpg…Oh, and the asshole CEOs of Ford, GM and Chrysler showed up at Congress via fucking private jets. (ABC News)

check.jpgMan, I can’t wait for some changes at the fucking FCC. (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgThe Scalia makes a rare apology. (WSJ Law Blog)

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Knock knock …. who’s there … bar results!

bar-bri-stack.jpgTomorrow is the dreaded day, here in California, when bar results come out. Reader three elle asked what recommendations we had to avoid insanity tomorrow, forced to watch the minutes tick away until the results go live. She said she thought a lot of alcohol would be necessary. She thinks correct.

When I was in that position several years back, all my fellow first years at my firm went out for a liquid lunch, and drank straight through until about 4. Then a friend and I came back to my place, and we continued the drinking until 6. Perfect way to be ready to check results. And then my internet was fucked and I couldn’t get the results.

A friend calls from DC to ask if I passed, and I tell her I can’t get onto the website. She could, so she looked up my results and told me I passed. Then she looked up my friend’s results. But my friend didn’t want to be on the phone, which made this ten time more nerve wracking than finding out if I passed, because if my friend failed, I was going to have to be the one to tell her. Fuck.

Thankfully, she also passed. Drinking promptly recommenced, we almost ordered Southwest tickets to Vegas (decided we were probably too drunk to get on the plane, which we almost certainly were were), and later that night we almost got thrown out of the bar when my friend started having words with the manager.

But all was well, and I woke up the next morning to find that I had shredded three of my BarBri books and left them in a pile in the middle of my living room.

And that, three elle, is how you deal with tomorrow. Good luck to all our Cali law clerks!

Abracadabra … Marthastewart Lawsuit!

gob-magician.jpgMartha is being sued by a magician who is also a hand model. Actually, he’s suing some of her companies, because he bought a Martha Stewart Everyday lounge chair and, when he was moving it on his deck last year, the chair collapsed. And sliced of a hunk of an index finger. Good times.

While the tip was reattached and he’ll be able to continue his hand modeling ways, he’s gotta wait until he’s fully healed. And thanks to decreased sensation and function, he says his magician career may be truly impacted.

Plus he may have trouble playing the banjo.

I want to make fun of this guy. Hand model, magician, banjo player. But then I remember he’s suing Martha, and I can’t mock anyone suing Martha.

Plus, because he’s a banjo player, I have an excuse to post this:

And this:

And this (my favorite Bela Fleck song):

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They may not be able to get married in most states…

online-dating.jpg…but now that eHarmony has settled its lawsuit with NJ’s Attorney General, gays can find love through one of the biggest online matching services. Sorta. eHarmony isn’t going to let them onto the main site, but will create a special new site for gays to find each other. So they, too, can spend weeks online only to find that the person they meet for coffee doesn’t have six pack abs, but stores a six pack of beer a day in their gut. Congrats!

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Kids Can Be So Cruel

20081115__ut_courts_hansen_1115~1.jpgThis is just mean: A few of the cool kids in a Utah high school convinced the mentally limited janitor to buy them beer in exchange for photographs of their penises (peni?). Fair enough, right? The boys get some beer, and the janitor gets some snapshots of goober. Everybody wins! Unfortunately, after the janitor hung up the pictures on his bedroom wall, the poor guy found out he got snookered! They were pictures of penis pulled from the Internet. Doh!

The case of a Brighton High School seasonal employee accused of providing beer to teenage boys in exchange for photos of their genitalia shocked and outraged the school community. But it turns out that the employee, Brian Scott Hansen, was the butt of a joke played on him by the boys, his defense attorney said Friday in 3rd District Court.
Hansen, 49, of West Valley City, believed he had genuine photos of the four boys, and even taped them to his bedroom wall with their names written on the backs. But defense attorney Steven Shapiro said the pictures were cut and pasted from the Internet, and that the boys never took any pictures of themselves.
“They laughed the whole time about the joke they played on Brian,” Shapiro told Judge Vernice Trease, adding that he felt Hansen - who has “functional limitations” - was “taken advantage of” by the boys.

You gotta cut the janitor a little slack, cause he’s functionally limited and all, but come on: The defense attorney actually argued that the janitor — who bought minors beer in exchange for penis pictures — was taken advantage of? That’s rich!

It worked, too. He got no jail time.

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Is That Your Penis in a Jar Or Are You Just Happy to S … Wait. Why is Your Penis in a Jar?

22502715_19737e60ae_o.jpgFreakshows. The whole world is full of ‘em. Who the hell thinks to get himself off by sticking his penis in a jar? And who doesn’t take it out of the jar before engaging in a high-speed chase with the coppers?

A man caught near Nobbys Beach with his penis in a pasta sauce jar led police on a 20 kmh car chase, Newcastle Local Court heard yesterday.
Police drew their weapons when they suspected Keith Roy Weatherley, 46, was armed.
Instead, they found him partially clothed with his genitals in a jar, a police statement said
The chase lasted five to 10 minutes, with a top speed of just 20 kmh, before Weatherley was stopped at Centenary Drive, Newcastle. He refused to leave the car.
Four officers used batons and capsicum spray to remove him.
They found a 750-millilitre jar around his penis and noted that Weatherley attempted to continue “pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling”.

Jesus! That’s determination! The dude was being beaten with batons and sprayed with pepper spray and he was still trying to pop a load. At the very least, you have to admire his tenacity.

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A Silver Lining in the Recession

james-dobson-715082.gifMan, this recession blows. I never thought that something like a little old worldwide economic recession would actually affect me, but Dear God, it’s killing me. Thankfully, I’m not like one of the 50,000 Citigroup employees laid off earlier this week, or among the 1 million people laid off since the beginning of 2008. I’m still making the mortage payments, y’all! For now.

But the recession isn’t all bad. I mean, gas prices are down $1 over the same period last year (and down, like, $2.50 since July), consumer prices, I read, were down a record one percent in October, and ummm … gun sales are up!

But you know what the best part of the recession is? Focus on the Family, the right-wing nutjob institute of religious zealotry that just spent $500,000 to defeat Prop 8 in California, is having to lay off 20 percent of its workforce! Yay for unemployed bigots! Want more: Oral Roberts, which spits out hate-and-fear mongering evangelist by the hundreds, is also laying off 10 percent of its staff! Yay for unemployed, academic bigots.

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That’s it — they’re taking over!

holder-jr.jpgOk, look. Obama’s our next President, I get it. But does he have to stick in the faces over every redneck racist out there? It’s widely believed that he’s going to nominate Eric H. Holder, Jr. for his Attorney General if he there’s enough bipartisan support in the Senate.. And for those who have never heard of the man, who was the number 2 justice guy in the Clinton Administration, he’s, uhm … to steal a turn of phrase from my beloved Kevin & Bean show … he’s “president colored.” If he’s approved by Congress, Holder Jr. will be the first black AG. Which is all well and good, but the more important question is, what’s the guy’s story? I don’t know much about him, but I imagine we’ll all learn plenty in the coming months. And if Obama is doing what we all thought and hoped, and making the smart decision to surround himself with good folk, we’ll think that Holder Jr. is a fine choice.

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I Must Know What Kind of Sandwich It Was

176450750_3c1dc199b3.jpgDamnit. Damnit. You ever get hung up on the minutia in an otherwise interesting story? Sure, beating your girlfriend with a sandwich makes for a fascinating post, but not knowing what kind of sandwich it was is going to eat at me all night. Or until I hit publish.

A 19-year-old man accused of hitting his girlfriend with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off and nearly causing a traffic crash is facing domestic battery and child abuse charges, according to a recently released police report.
The alleged melee on wheels began after the 19-year-old victim on Friday picked up Emmanuelle Rodriguez — her boyfriend and child’s father — from his mother’s house in Port St. Lucie. They headed north on Interstate 95 to their new apartment in Fort Pierce as their 7-month-old son slept in the back.
The victim told police that Rodriguez got angry while she drove and “started to hit her in the arm and striking her in the face with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off her face,” the report states.
The victim nearly lost control of the vehicle because she couldn’t see the road. Rodriguez then ripped off the rear view mirror and used it to beat and shatter the windshield. She exited I-95 at St. Lucie West and told Rodriguez to get out and get his mother to pick him up.
The type of sandwich hurled was not specified in the report.

If you don’t know what kind of sandwich it was, then why mention it? Was it a BLT? A Tuna Melt? Or was it a knuckle sandwich? Maybe it was one of those wish sandwiches my father was always talking about (take two pieces of bread and wish there was some meat inside).

Also, it probably doesn’t even need be mention, but the sandwich beating took place in Florida. Obviously. So it was probably a Cuban. Those things are lethal.

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Microsoft Helps Keep Lawyers Employed

windows_vista_092507.jpgVia the Tax Prof, there’s a wacky but legitimate employment law issue arising over computer boot-up times:

Lawyers are noting a new type of lawsuit, in which employees are suing over time spent booting [up] their computers. … During the past year, several companies, including AT&T Inc., UnitedHealth Group Inc. and Cigna Corp., have been hit with lawsuits in which employees claimed that they were not paid for the 15- to 30-minute task of booting their computers at the start of each day and logging out at the end. Add those minutes up over a week, and hourly employees are losing some serious pay, argues plaintiffs’ lawyer Mark Thierman, a Las Vegas solo practitioner who has filed a handful of computer-booting lawsuits in recent years. …

This is for real, too. And Windows Vista is not helping matters. For example, for some stupid reason, because of Vista, my Internet connection goes down twice a day, without fail. And the only way to get it back is to reboot my computer. That’s an extra 10 minutes, at least, plus the initial boot-up and log off at the end of each day. If I were an employee, I’m sorry, but I’d actually like to be paid for that time.

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Bad Way to Die: Episode #1

DSCN1631.JPGIn a folding couch:

A St. Petersburg woman who killed her husband by shutting him inside a folding couch has been given a one-year suspended sentence, prosecutors said Monday.
In response to an insulting comment from her husband in July, Vera Lukyanova, 55, closed the folding couch her spouse was lying on, St. Petersburg city prosecutors said in a statement.
Lukyanova was drunk at the time, they said.
Her husband was crushed as the couch folded up, and he suffocated after he was unable to free himself, the statement said.
In July, St. Petersburg’s Channel Five television showed rescue workers sawing through the folding sofa in order to reach the man, who was wearing his underwear and was trapped between the mattress and the back of the couch.
The rescue workers told Channel Five that Lukyanova had left her husband for three hours before checking on him and finding him dead.

Man, that’s a powerful folding couch. And how do you get away with a suspended sentence after killing your husband because he insulted you? That sounds like second-degree mattricide to me.

No. Really. I Was Just Adjusting My Pants. Vigorously.

0,,6355448,00.jpgYou hear about airplane sexual shenanigans a lot (in fact, an episode of “Entourage” this season centered on an airplane hand-job), but what I want to know is: How do you get away with that shit? There’s no where you can go on a plane where you’re not in view of at least a few people, besides the bathroom, but really, what two people can actually manage to monkey-bone in one of those tiny lavatories without getting a sink handle stuck in the wrong entry?

For example, take this guy — Lucas Steven Knudson — who claims he was just adjusting his pants, which were too tight. Adjusting his pants for four minutes. Adjusting his pants with his eyes rolled back in his head. Adjusting his pants with his toes curled.

Uh huh.

The Darwin Magistrates Court yesterday was told Knudson, 32, had just landed on board Virgin Blue flight DJ449 from Brisbane when he was escorted off the plane by Australian Federal Police after masturbating for “maybe four minutes” underneath his tray table in view of mother-of-two Simone Holt.
The court heard the man - wearing jeans, a flannelette shirt, white socks and thongs - told airport officers her story was “bull——”.
But the two police officers who spoke to him after the midnight flight on April 11 said his jeans were not “overly tight”.
After a two-hour hearing, magistrate Tanya Fong Lim found Knudson, from the northern NSW town of Ballina, guilty of committing an indecent act on the plane under the Commonwealth Crimes Aviation Act.
Ms Holt, from Kununurra in the northwest of WA, was emotional as she told the court she awoke about three hours into the flight to see Knudson masturbating.
The teacher’s aide said she was seated on a window seat in row 11 with no one between her and Knudson in the aisle seat - and he was shielding his activity from other passengers and flight attendants on the other side with his shirt.
Ms Holt said she turned her reading light on to indicate she was awake and he “should cease” the act.
She said he did stop “somewhat” but left his genitals exposed outside of his jeans.

Man alive: That is not how you wanna wake up during a flight. With some guy’s brain peering out at you. Here’s a suggestion: Adjust your jeans at home, you sick asshole.

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‘Sup. Me and the Old Man Are, Like, Best Buds Now

Check out this interaction/photo-op between Barack Obama and John McCain. Totally natural. It’s like these two have been best friends for eons. They clearly have nothing but respect and admiration for one another. It’s like video-taping two buds in a bar drinking over a football game.

Totally not awkard. At all.

Are these morons getting dumber or just louder?

simpsons-schip-page-not-a-hack-say-republicans-mayor-quimby.jpgFinally, a politician that speaks his mind. Of course, it’ll cost him his political career. But the brutal truth can set you free. From your job.

No one can say Bill Beck is an indecisive politician. He tells it just as he sees it.
Beck walked into the last city council meeting in St. Antony, Idaho and announced his resignation as mayor.
Beck said the townspeople were too stupid to understand, and the city council members too stupid to work with.
He then told the town to go to hell.
When Beck announced his resignation, the audience broke into applause.

My favorite part here is that, after he resigned and called the townspeople stupid, they applauded as only stupid people can do.

Fun Fact: Sarah Palin attended college in Idaho.

Don’t Mess with a Law Student’s Laptop. Bitch.

laptop-robber.jpgYou ever see a first-year law student out and about? No, of course you haven’t. First year law students don’t leave their apartments. They burrow with a bunch of books, a lot of coffee, a pack of cigarettes, and maybe some meth. They lose their color, and over the course of the year, begin to mentally unravel. If there’s one person you don’t want to get into a fight with, it’s a first-year law student. They batshit. And if you fuck with them, they will fuck you up. Just ask this burglar (pictured, with the messed up face):

A thief learned the mistake of trying to steal a law student’s laptop last week after after becoming a punching bag for an Arizona State student he tried to rip off. Armed with a baseball bat, the intruder, Gabriel Saucedo, allegedly climbed through an open window into Alex Botsios’ apartment, waking the student and threatening to smash his head in.
Botsios was willing to let Saucedo take his wallet and guitars. Then the robber made the mistake that ultimately landed him in the hospital — he went for the laptop. According to Botsios, he said “Dude, no — please, no! I have all my case notes…that’s four months of work!” Saucedo, obviously underestimating the fury of an overstressed, overworked first-year, was unsympathetic. That’s when Botsios could take no more.
Wrestling Saucdeo to the floor, Botsios separated the bat from the thief and repeatedly punched him in the face. When it was all over, police had to get Saucedo stitched up before charging him with armed robbery and kidnapping, while Botsios only suffered some scrapes and a bruised knuckle. Most importantly, at least to the student, is that his laptop, which he called “his baby,” escaped unharmed. Next time, Saucedo might want to try robbing a third-year student, as they’re generally more docile.

A first year law student’s relationship with his laptop is a lot like a bear with its cub. If you want to steal it, you gotta lure the 1l away with coffee and uppers. When they approach, open a shade. The sunlight will probably blind them long enough for you to run away with the computer.

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Church State Divide Drowned in the Holy Water

communion_hands.jpgIn one South Carolina parish, if you voted for Obama, guess what? No communion for you!

A priest at a South Carolina Roman Catholic church says his parishioners shouldn’t take Holy Communion if they voted for Barack Obama because of the Democrat’s stance on abortion.
The Rev. Jay Scott Newman said Thursday church law doesn’t allow him to refuse parishioners the sacrament at St. Mary’s Catholic Church in Greenville.
But he said his congregants shouldn’t take Communion until they do penance for supporting “the most radical pro-abortion politician ever to serve in the United States Senate or to run for president.”

Who knew there were Catholics in South Carolina? I thought that was total Baptist country. And more importantly, will this church be allowed to keep its tax-exemption status?

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Second Life Bleeds into First

SecondLife_Me_and_My_New_Husband.jpgWhat the hell is up with this Second Life game? A few weeks ago, I posted a story about a woman in Japan who was arrested and charged after she killer her cyber-husband in a game similar to Second Life. And now, in Britain, a woman is divorcing her real husband after she discovered he was having an affair. On Second Life. With a virtual woman:

A British woman is divorcing her husband after discovering his online alter-ego was having an affair with a virtual woman in the fantasy world of Second Life, media reported on Friday.

Amy Taylor, 28, said her three-year marriage to David Pollard, 40, came to an end when she twice walked in on him watching his online character, Dave Barmy, having sex with other virtual women.
Second Life enables players to create online lives in which their virtual alter ego, or avatar, can socialize, develop relationships, buy property and set up businesses in an imagined world using the game’s virtual currency.

It’s probably no surprise to learn that this couple initially met in Second Life. Nevertheless:

Taylor always had suspicions about Pollard’s online loyalty. At one point she hired a virtual detective to test whether his avatar was cheating on her, after finding him at the computer watching his character having sex with a prostitute.
Pollard passed that honeytrap test but earlier this year Taylor found his character in a compromising position with another virtual woman.

Ummm. Some people take this shit way too seriously.

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Mac n’ Cheese Dinner Turns Ugly

513VJRfsFGL.jpgCompliments to a public defender reader, Jennifer, for this tip, about a man who really doesn’t like butterworms for dinner:

An unemployed man faces a domestic assault charge after he allegedly attacked his girlfriend last Saturday for making him macaroni for dinner. Investigator Dale Matuszczak said the woman called for help after locking herself in a bathroom.
Matuszczak said she apparently had been hit with a cooking pot, suffering a cut on her nose and bruise on her face.
According to the police report, the man was intoxicated and assaulted the woman when he discovered she made macaroni for his dinner. Food was tossed around the house as he hit the woman with the pot.

My guess: It wasn’t the macaroni he was upset about, per se. It was the brand. You gotta go with Annies. That Kraft shit is just toxic. I remember when I was too poor to eat anything but Kraft — oh, those days when there was no milk, and you had to substitute water. And margarine for butter.

Annie’s, folks: It’s for elitists!

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Politician Whips It Out and Sprays It on the Crowd

asm_lipski.jpgA reader of ours, Peter, pointed out that yesterday’s successful Bodily Fluids Day here on QuizLaw left out the best urination story of the day. He was right:

It’s not every day that a city councilman makes big news. Then again, it’s not every day that a local official is accused of urinating on concertgoers from a nightclub balcony.
Pea-brained Jersey City Councilman Steven Lipski swore off booze Sunday - two days after he was busted for urinating on a crowd of revelers at a Washington D.C. nightclub.
“I’ve resolved not to touch alcohol again,” Lipski told reporters outside his home.
He called the incident “deeply humiliating, very embarrassing” and “troubling.”

Oh, come on, Councilman: That’s just the hangover talking. Never give up alcohol! Alcohol is not the problem. Bladder control is.

It’s Bodily Fluids Day on QuizLaw!

taking_the_piss.jpgEarlier today, Seth gave you a story about a woman whose diarrhea didn’t get her out of a speeding ticket, and then Molly told you about a man in Sheboygan who pissed on an officer, and now I give you this:

An Indian man has beaten his neighbour to death for urinating against the wall of his house after a drinking binge, newspapers said.
Shri Pal, a 35-year-old scrap dealer, died of his injuries after Durga Prasad erupted in fury and attacked him, the Hindustan Times reported. “Pal was having drinks with a friend near his house. He then went to relieve himself on the wall of a neighbour who objected,” a police officer told the paper. Pal “could not defend himself as he was drunk,” the officer added.

So, what’s the take home from today’s lessons? Pee Pee and Poo Poo will never keep you safe from the Po Po.

I am overflowing with wit.

“It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!”

CB039966.jpgIn yet another sign that the economic downturn is ugly and getting worse, The New York Times reports that, contrary to popular belief, law firms are feeling the pinch as well.

It is easy to assume that an uptick in bankruptcies and corporate mergers & acquisitions would mean more work for attorneys, but evidently many of the biggest firms are shrinking their summer programs, and layoffs have started in many secondary markets. According to the article, fewer people are suing one another, So, ummmmm: Yay for the recession?

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Q. What’s funnier than living in Sheboygan?

urinatecop.jpgA. The fact that in Sheboygan, you can be charged with “felony discharging bodily fluids at a public safety worker,” which Daniel L. Shilts found out the hard way last week. After running his car into a pole and almost backing into a police cruiser, Shilts was arrested. Once in the cruiser enroute to the police station, however, Shilts “urinated in the back seat of the squad car and also sprayed some urine through the center divider, striking the officer in the head.” In addition to his DWI charges and three counts of bail jumping (it seems he had a few other felony cases pending at the time), Shilts was charged for getting pee on the officer.

Just keep it in mind, folks, the next time you’re in Sheboygan.

Also, Hat Tip to me for finding this Sheboygan post before Seth!


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No shit!

speeding.jpgThis is crap. Utter bullshit.

A court in Trelleborg, Sweden, has ruled that a woman’s diarrhea was not a sufficient reason for her to break the posted speed limit while driving.
The district court rejected the 49-year-old woman’s argument that she was forced to drive 53 mph in a 43 mph zone because of her digestive issues, Swedish news agency TT reported Thursday.
The court said the speed limit can only be broken in cases of emergency, which it defined as a danger to someone’s life or to prevent a serious crime.

Seriously, fucking bogus. Diarrhea ain’t an emergency? Then I don’t what the hell is.

Shame on you, Trelleborg court. If I’m ever in Sweden and I crap in my car because I wasn’t allowed to speed back to my hotel, I’m bringing the cleaning bill to you!

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Oh Scalia: Talk Dirty to Me, You Bitch

Hat Tip to Mark.

If we don’t stop them now, they’ll be teaching our kids about quadruple bypass!

surgical-tools.jpgMany of the better stories we post here on the QuizLaw (i.e., the *facepalm* and Florida stories) come from Fark. But it’s a double-edged sword, getting our story links from them. Because, yes, they find many great stories we’d never find on our own. Trouble is, the headlines they use with the articles are oftentimes much funnier or cleverer than we could ever come up. So we start off behind the eight ball, writing an entry already knowing we’ve missed the best joke.

Anyway, my point is this — today, Fark linked to a story talking about some new research which has determined “that heart transplant patients have better odds of survival and a lower risk of rejection if they get organs from donors of the same sex.” And Fark’s headline?

Study shows same-sex heart transplants to be better. Hordes of people immediately begin attempts to disprove this finding in order to “preserve the sanctity of surgery.”

Fark, we tip our hats to you!

C*nt Punditry of the Day, Take Two

lindsay_lohan_breasts.jpgOn the election of Barack Obama:

“It’s an amazing feeling. It’s our first, you know, colored president,” the 22-year-old actress said in response to a question from Maria Menounos on “Access Hollywood” about her reaction to Obama’s win in the 2008 presidential race.

… Lindsay Lohan

Colored? What is this, 1959? That’s some old-school racial slurring. How did she even pick up that term? From her racist grandmother?

Off to racist rehab for her.

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Happy Veteran’s Day, Sucker!

parking-ticket-220x146.jpgOut in Britain, Johnny Law doesn’t take time off to respect the dead.

A Chiswick motorist claims she was given a parking ticket as she stood alongside her car observing the two-minute silence on Remembrance Day.
Stephanie Jost says she was standing by her vehicle, paying her respects to Britain’s war dead, as the traffic warden stuck the ticket on her windscreen at 11am today.
“I have been parked on Turnham Green Terrace showing a valid parking ticket for an hour,” she said.
“I returned to the car at the exact time, 11am, and stood in respectful silence for two minutes next to the open boot of the car. In the meanwhile I was receiving a ticket.”
She said the parking attendant faced away from her while producing the £60 ticket, before turning and placing it on the windscreen of her car.

I suppose it could’ve been worse. She could’ve gotten a parking ticket while lying dead in her car.

A Very Special Message from Today’s C*nt Pundit

MichelleMalkinPhoto.jpg“I think it’s time for Democrat leaders to counsel the anti-Prop. 8 mob to stop the protests and accept the will of the people of California.

“Tell them to leave the churches alone. Tell them to stop blocking traffic and impeding businesses and harassing elderly couples and targeting donors.

It’s over. You lost. Move on.”

… Michelle Malkin


I wonder what the world would look like if women had listened to people like her during the suffrage movement in the early 20th century, or if African-Americans had listened to people like her during the Civil Rights movements of the 1960s. Hell, if people like her were the predominant voice from the 1940s until today, Asians may still be locked up in concentration camps.

So, way to go there, Michelle. Another shining example of bigotry we can look back on in a few years and gloat at. You simpering, blathering idiot.

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Well that’s some bad luck

burglar.jpgLast month, these two dudes broke into a house at 4:30 in the morning, guns ablaze. The house belonged to Lloyd Irvin, who was home with his wife and young son. A friend, Brandon Vera, was also there. The burglars apparently round up the gang and held them at gunpoint, demanding cash and jewelry (note to self: if I’m ever the burglar in that situation, be damn sure to say “I’m Mike D and I get respect, your cash and your jewelry is what I expect”).

One of the gunmen forced Llloyd Irvin into a bedroom where he was hoping to get the family jewelry. The thing of it is, turns out that the “friend” Brandon Vera is a UFC fighter, and Irvin is his grappling trainer. So when Irvin was taken into the bedroom by the gunmen, he decided that he could make a move without risking his family’s safety, and managed to quickly disarm the gunmen:

The intruder ran off, screaming to his partner that the guy had got the gun, and his partner then also ran off.

(Second note to self: if I’m ever the burglar in that situation, do some research first and be sure the house doesn’t belong to a fucking UFC trainer.)

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The Daily Memo - 11/11/08

check.jpgIf it weren’t the Onion, I’d have no problem believing that the RIAA was trying to ban word-of-mouth. (The Onion)

check.jpgOver at Columbia Law School, they’re planning a big game of Assassins, which is like Gotcha. Remember Gotcha? Remember the movie Gotcha? I fucking loved that movie back in the day. (Above the Law)

check.jpgFucking W. He’s a lame duck and he’s still trying to be a miserable spoil sport, fucking without our online poker. (Fight for Your Rights!)

check.jpgChief Justice Johnny learns what a “Romanette” is … and so do the rest of us. (Law.com)

check.jpgThe Law Blog reminds us what executive orders are all about. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgMmmmm … Hedy and heady. (IP Think Tank Blog)

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This law degree is for the dogs


When Amy Jones received her law degree from Baylor University, her playful service dog Skeeter got the same honor.
As Jones got her juris doctor degree on Saturday, Skeeter received an honorary law degree.
“Amy has busted through brick walls, and Skeeter has been faithfully by her side every step of the way,” law school Dean Brad Toben said. “Skeeter has become a part of our community and part of our family here at the law school.”
Jones has used a wheelchair since a 2002 skiing accident left her a quadriplegic. Two years after the accident, she was paired with Skeeter, a black Labrador retriever.
Born and raised in Alaska, Jones had attended California State University at Chico. After months of rehabilitation and with Skeeter’s help, Jones returned to school and received her undergraduate degree in construction management in 2005.
Fellow Baylor law graduate Jolie McCuiston of Lubbock said “everyone loves playing with Skeeter, but Skeeter always knows when he’s working.”
McCuiston said Skeeter will occasionally add a growl to a professor’s lecture for added emphasis.
“He always said what we couldn’t say,” McCuiston she told the Waco Tribune-Herald in Sunday editions.

What He Said

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The family that drinks together…

Baby Drinking Beer-thumb.jpggets DUIs together. Jesus.

Indiana state police said that after a mother was arrested for drunken driving, the three relatives who came to pick up her 1-year-old son also had all been drinking. A state trooper stopped a minivan for speeding early Saturday on U.S. 30 in Schererville in northwestern Indiana. He arrested the 24-year-old woman on a drunken driving charges.
The boy’s father arrived later to pick him up, but officers determined he was intoxicated and also arrested him on a drunken driving charge.
Police said the boy’s grandparents then arrived. Both of them also had been drinking, state police said, but the grandmother who was driving was not over the legal limit, so officers escorted them home with the child.

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Mississippi Students Not Allowed to Talk about Obama

pink-floyd-division-bell.jpgNow this is just weird:

More complaints from parents who say school officials will not allow students to talk about President-Elect Barack Obama. Melissa Hayes says teachers at Puckett Attendance Center told her daughters they could not talk about Obama in class or in the hallways.
Her daughters, 15 and 18, told Hayes the principal says students can only mention Obama in history class Hayes says she called the school district to find out why, but did not receive any answers.
WLBT was unable to reach a school official this afternoon.

Any explanation whatsoever? Anybody? Or is it just another brick in the wall?

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Dentist Botches Breast Reduction Surgery. Go Figure.

evilDentist.jpgWho goes to the dentist to get breast reduction surgery, anyway? I’d say you get what you paid for, but in this case, it was a 15-year-old who received the surgery for … medical reasons. From a dentist.

A dentist and oral surgeon with a controversial past, including a raft of malpractice suits and a reprimand in a patient’s death, has been sued again, this time by a Kirkland woman who said he botched a breast reduction on her three years ago when she was 15.
At the time, Thomas Laney was practicing in Seattle, where he was able to remain licensed and in business despite unorthodox training, the death of a patient and 10 lawsuits against him. The Seattle P-I found that Laney epitomized flaws in the state’s disciplinary system of oral doctors.
In the most recent complaint, the woman, now 18, had seen Laney for a breast reduction in August 2005. The woman had been a high school athlete with disproportionately large breasts that hampered her ability to play sports, even when she wore three sports bras, said the woman’s lawyer, Patricia Greenstreet. Her breasts also caused neck and back pain. “It was not a cosmetic procedure, but a medically necessary procedure,” Greenstreet said. “She was hurting.”
But instead of feeling better, the woman felt worse. According to a plastic surgeon who supported the woman’s complaint in court records, Laney lacked the training and education needed for the surgery. The surgeon wrote that Laney violated “the standard of care” by allegedly mismarking the woman’s breasts post-op and by placing her nipples “cross-eyed.” The surgeon also wrote that Laney gave the woman deformed breasts and “railroad” scars, by allegedly leaving her sutures in too long.

Wait a second? This guy is not only a dentist who does boob jobs, but he’s also killed a person during surgery? What the hell kind of dentist is he?

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Now that the Election is Over, We Can Get Excited About the Accidental Use of the F Word on a Morning News Show Again

Joe Scarborough, y’all! Big round of applause! Thanks, Joe. That was the only thing interesting in all of this morning’s news telecasts.

The Daily Memo - 11/10/08

check.jpgHall and Oats have filed a lawsuit over “Maneater.” (USA Today)

check.jpgInteresting writeup on the upcoming DOJ transition. (Law.com)

check.jpgA discussion of what happens next with Prop 8. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpg“FTC wants to de-muck the intellectual property quagmire.” (NetworkWorld)

check.jpg“Do you smell what Barack is cooking?” (Patently-O)

check.jpgTurns out judges probably shouldn’t mock the cases they’re sitting on. (Law.com)

Crazy, for lack of a better word, is good

gordon-gekko.jpgHey, remember Jonathan Lee Riches, everyone’s favorite pro se litigant, who went on a tear filing a ton of ridiculously awesome lawsuits from within his jail cell? Well he’s back, baby! It seems that he’s now doing business as a famous movie character, as he’s now listing himself as “Jonathan Lee Riches d/b/a Gordon Gekko.” Not sure what that’s all about, but in this lawsuit, Mr. Riches/Gekko and a bunch of others are suing Blizzard, the makers of the World of Warcraft video game. Riches/Gekko claims the game caused them “to commit federal crimes.” In fact, the game “caused Riches mind to live in a virtual universe, where Riches explored the landscape committing identity theft and fighting cybermonsterrivalhackergangs.”


Clink on the link for a PDF of the one-page handwritten motion.

(A big fat thanks to reader three elle for this link.)

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Best Batman lawsuit ever

batman.jpgChris Nolan, director of Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, may soon find himself sued by Batman. Not Bruce Wayne’s alter ego, mind you. Nah. Nolan may find himself sued by the city of Batman, a city in Turkey. The mayor of this city, Hüseyin Kalkan, thinks it’s bogus that Nolan has abused “the royalty of the name Batman,” which he says belongs to the city.

Mayor Kalkan, speaking to the Hürriyet Daily News and the Economic Review, said last year foreign media picked up on Batman and the city’s increasing suicide rates among women. He said a columnist asked why Batman’s mayor did not sue the movie Batman for royalties while struggling with economic problems. “We found this criticism right and started to look for legal possibilities of a case like that,” he said.

This guy give the Joker a run for his money when it comes to crazy….

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Crack. Butt. Butt Crack. Surprise!

crackpipewomanSP_450x412.jpgAh. Now that the election is over, we can get back to what matters around here: Florida.

Police who arrested a woman for stealing money from a car found a glass crack pipe hidden between her buttocks.
Cops made the surprise discovery during a routine search on Evelyn Russo while she was being booked for taking $2 in change.

Man alive: What officer decided it’d be a good idea to search this woman’s ass?

Sarah Palin: 1,142 Days Until the 2012 Election

Oh, sure: The election is over. And Sarah Palin has gone back to Alaska. But the late-night hosts know a good punch-line when they see one. And they’re going to hang on to this one as long as they possibly can.

Hoarding is Such a Weird Psychological Condition

rubbish.jpgTrue story: Back in my legal services day, I had a client in a nursing home who had a terrible hoarding problem — he’d go out into dumpsters and pull anything and everything out of them and drag them up into his room. That room was filled with trash, and the only spot in the entire room free of any debris was a small section of his bed, where he slept. The nursing home was trying to evict him because, not only did he bring in pounds and pounds of trash, but he smoked, presenting a clear fire hazard.

After some negotiation and a cleaning service, however, we were able to convince the nursing home to allow this old guy to stay in his room. We thought it was a success. A few months after I left the office, however, I asked my old boss whatever happened with that old guy?

He’d burned down the nursing home.


Anyway, I mention this by way of introducing another hoarder: A pensioner in England, who was so bad, health officials were called in to clear 100 tons of trash from his home:

It’s been a while since pensioner Merv Jones tidied up or vacuumed.
In fact, it’s been so long that he might never have been able to find the Hoover amid the astonishing 100 tons of rubbish and bric-a-brac in his home - assuming he ever looked for it.
Every room in the terraced house was filled from floor to ceiling with mouldering junk. It was even piled up in the hall. Both front and back gardens were also a mess.
After years of complaints from neighbours, council officials finally moved in to empty the building in Grimsby, filling skip after skip.
The extraordinary array of bric-a-brac had been collected over decades by the 73-year-old, including old rifles, ammunition and swords, along with hundreds of more ordinary items, such as dolls, electrical equipment, toys, pictures, books and ornaments.
As well as all the junk, there was a great deal of household rubbish. Windows were broken, pigeons had moved into the loft and bait traps had to be laid for the rats.

Poor guy … and the thing is, he won’t be happy once they clean it up. He won’t be happy unless it’s a mess. I suspect that, once the place is cleared away, he’ll just slowly start the process anew.

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Dutch People = Whack Jobs with Common Sense

britney-spears-kids-bodyguard-10.jpgThe Netherlands is officially hoping to become the only country in the world smart/dumb enough to pass legislation preventing shitty mothers from procreating:

Women in the Netherlands deemed “unfit mothers” may soon be forced to take contraception, if a draft bill currently before the Dutch parliament is passed. The bill “targets women who have been the subject of judicial intervention due to their bad parenting,” says its author, a member of the Netherlands’ socialist Labour Party.
Under the proposed legislation, a woman judged unfit who refuses to take contraception and becomes pregnant would have her child taken away at birth. The infant then would be placed in a foster home.

The only problem with this bill is 1) it’ll never fucking work, and 2) it doesn’t include similar provisions for unfit fathers. Also, it’s completely crazy. I just hope they can extend the laws to stupid people, too. Also, the Dutch Parliament.

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Maybe He’ll Work on a Nice Mosaic Fountain!!

Movie_poster_the_terminal.jpgThe BBC reports that Osama Bin Laden’s son Omar is currently stranded in the Madrid airport following the rejection of his asylum application. Omar and his British wife Zaina (formerly Jane) first attempted to secure UK visas, but were told that Omar’s “presence in [England] would not be ‘conducive to the public good.’”

The couple have most recently lived in Egypt, but it seems Zaina has a visual impairment that she believes needs western-European style treatment … unfortunately, Omar has made some statements suggesting that his Father might not have been responsible for the Sept. 11th bombings.

As a result, its not clear where the couple are headed next, and they have spent over four days in a “transit area” in Barajas airport. I wonder if Tom Hanks has any interest in The Terminal II?

He Bit Off His Nose to Spite … Obama

nosebite.jpegYesterday, I marveled at the fact that there didn’t seem to be many sour grapes being tossed by the Republicans after the victory of Barack Obama. They seemed downright civil, which was actually a bit disconcerting. Well, thank God for Pennsylvania:

A 70-year old man was charged earlier today with biting the nose of another man because police said he was upset that Barack Obama won the presidency.
Alexander J. McKenna, of South Landon Avenue, was charged with three counts each of simple assault and harassment, and one count of disorderly conduct and public drunkenness. He was released on $2,500 unsecured bail.
Police were called to Pizzle’s Bar on Cherry Street at about 2:20 a.m. Wednesday for a man, identified as McKenna, swinging a cane at other patrons.
Police found McKenna on the ground yelling obscenities, the criminal complaint says
Joe Blight and Ronnie Blight told police, the criminal complaint says, that they were inside the bar when McKenna began screaming obscenities about President-elect Barack Obama winning the presidential election.
McKenna walked across the bar and bit Joe Blight on the nose, and swung his cane at Ronnie Blight, according to the criminal complaint.
McKenna told police, according to the criminal complaint, that he was drunk and upset Obama won the presidency, and took out his anger on the Blight brothers.

Now that’s more like it! I bet he was one of those bitter, gun-clingers that Obama was talking about, too.

It also reminds me of a friend I had in high school. He was an honest-to-God gang member. He had a gun and committed a drive-by and everything and, for a short while, he was even on the run from Johnny Law. Anyway, this gangster friend of mine, the night that George Bush Sr. lost, he actually wept! Wept, I say! Our Republican Gangster.

Last I heard, he was an attorney in Texas (and a google search confirms it). I wonder if he’s still trying to shoot people?

The price is kablooey, bitch

plinko.jpgSo this guy walks into a San Francisco law firm with a white tube and flashing light adorning him. He tells the receptionist that he’s got a bomb. The bomb squad was called out, they determined it was a dud, and crazy was arrested. That’s pretty much the end of the story.

Here’s what makes it just bizarre:

[W]itnesses quoted the man as saying he was angry because he h ad not been selected to appear on the TV game show, “The Price is Right.”

First of all, what the hell does this have to do with San Francisco, considering that any such rejection by the show to let him be a contestant would’ve happened here in Los Angeles, where the show is filmed and where folks line up to try to get called on down? More importantly, how the fuck does not getting to play Plinko lead you to decide to threaten a law firm? I mean, I love that game as much as the next guy and all, but, you know, it’s not like he got rejected from “Press Your Luck.” Denied the chance to call for “no whammies,” now then I could understand fake bombing some motherfuckers.

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Maybe the gays should just take their discrimination and go away quietly…

gMarriage.jpgAs we’ve talked about on this site, and as has been talked about a gajillion other places, California’s Prop 8 passed on Tuesday, stripping gay couples of their recently court-granted right to marry. Because, apparently, if they marry, our schools will have to teach our children about gay marriage and our daughters will come home talking about marrying princesses. …If I ever have a daughter, she could do a helluva lot worse than marrying a princess, but that’s beside the point.

Two interesting things yesterday, about this. First is the credible argument that Obama inadvertently helped the demise of gay marriage in California as our state had a record black voter turnout, and blacks were polling in favor of Prop 80 70-to-30, well beyond any other racial denomination. According to one political scientist, while there’s been a “generational shift” causing younger voters to be more in favor of equal rights for gays, that shift hasn’t hit the black community.

But folks aren’t taking Prop 8’s success sitting down. The ACLU has filed a petition with the California Supreme Court arguing that the Prop is an improper attempt to chisel away the constitutional right to equality. The linked article doesn’t discuss the details, but the basic gist of the argument as I understand it is that California law allows propositions or other methods to make tiny amendments to the California constitution on their own. But where there’s a significant change to the constitution, changing its application or effect, the amendment must be legislatively approved. And the Legislature never approved Prop 8 and, thus the argument goes, the amendment to be created by Prop 8 is illegal. The argument sounds good on its face, though I admit to being ignorant on any of the details so I have no idea how strong it will turn out to be. But we can hope.

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Can you Barack it like this?

barack.jpgWe’re stealing this cross-post, whole hand and without permission ahead of time, from our boy The New Millennium Nigga. Great piece about our new president, and I think NMN will forgive us our thievery.

“There won’t never be no Black President!” I’ve said it and I know I wasn’t the only one. No, I’ve heard many speak of Jesse Jackson or Shirley Chisolm and the importance of their campaigns. But the significance was always symbolic. Never did anyone really believe that they would become President of the United States. There won’t never be no Black President! That was my belief.

I woke up this morning. The sun seemed to be shining just a little bit brighter. I thought it was me, but then one of my boys called. When I told him about my observation, he told me he was driving to a meeting and had noticed that the sky was a most beautiful blue. I’m sure you can guess what was going on; a new day has dawned.

There won’t never be no Black President! This ain’t South Africa. Black people ain’t the majority. Shit, I was surprised that with White people voting, they let a Black woman walk off with a million dollars at the end of the second season of “Survivor.” A Black President?! Of the United States?! Come on, man. Ridiculous.

There won’t never be no Black President! Yet there I sat last night, my children up after their bedtime because I didn’t want them to miss this. The impossible was becoming possible before my eyes. Pennsylvania… one nail in the coffin. Ohio… another. For weeks I’d been saying that I didn’t just think Barack Obama would win, but that he would crush, leave absolutely no doubt. But as Tuesday progressed and I waited for the numbers to come in, I started remembering all the reasons why this was impossible.

There won’t never be no Black President! I thought of a friend who relayed a staggering “Facebook” story. He’s Black. He’d gone to school with White kids. One girl, in particular, had harassed him on the school bus. She’d called him a nigger… repeatedly. And though others - including the bus driver - didn’t join in her chorus, they did nothing to stop her from spewing her hate. This wasn’t Selma in the 60’s. This was New York in the ‘80’s. Oddly, that girl - now a woman - sent him a friend request on Facebook recently. I couldn’t help but laugh the laugh born of agony when I read his email about the whole thing. “This is a metaphor for America,” I thought. “He’s supposed to forget she called him a nigger and be friends. After all, she’s forgotten.”

There won’t never be no Black President! Shit, a Black man can’t even pick up his wallet without the NYPD blasting him with forty-one reminders of where he stands in this country. A Black man can’t have a bachelor party without being reminded of the same. President?! Amadou Diallo and Sean Bell would find it laughable… except they’re dead.

There won’t never be no Black President! Yet, there I sat watching Wolf Blitzer count down to the closing of the polls in the West Coast. I’m a numbers guy. The numbers were adding up, but… It couldn’t be. And then… they called it. Barack Hussein Obama would be the 44th President of the United States. A friend who’d stopped by shed a few tears. I cheered… I think. I don’t totally remember. Another friend refused to celebrate, sure it was too soon, sure that something could still go wrong. But there it was on the screen before us, for all to see… President-Elect Barack Obama. Then it hit me.

There won’t never be no Black President! There will only be a President who is Black. That may seem like an irrelevant distinction. But it makes all the difference in the world.

Barack Obama’s story is not simply the story of Black America. It is the story of America. It is a story of immigration and integration that captures the imagination. It is a story of the heartland meeting the motherland and making love.

Barack Obama’s story was penned by Horatio Alger AND Maya Angelou. Barack Obama’s story captures the dream that is America and places it within a slim frame, behind a charming smile and gives it an eloquence that would make Dr. King say, “You better preach.”

There won’t never be no Black president! As I watched celebrations - planned and spontaneous - around the country, I didn’t see Black America. I saw America. I saw the bright-eyed hope of fights to be fought in the future and the wrinkled faces of battles lost and won in the past. I saw the children of Asia and Europe and South America and, yes, Africa. I saw men and women. I saw gay and straight. (You can’t tell people are gay by looking at them, but that was a lot of people. There had to be some gay people in there somewhere.)

There won’t never be no Black President! But not for the reasons I imagined. There won’t never be no Black President because the country doesn’t need one. We need a President who speaks to and calls on what unites us, not what divides us. We need a President who inspires many of my friends, none of whom were Black, to text me with messages like “HNIC, baby!”

We need a President who will inspire my friend who is a blonde White woman to call me last night in a state of absolute euphoria to report that “your borough is rockin’.” Spontaneously, Brooklyn had taken to the streets and DeKalb Avenue was alive with the joy of the NEW “real America.” (Bye bye now, Sarah!) In that America a White woman from Boston finds herself literally “dancing in the streets,” as the old Motown hit once said, as a drumming circle provides the beat. She reported that the celebration was so wild that the buses couldn’t run. So, to clear the street. They got on the bus and celebrated with the passengers. No one had to sit in the back of that bus. No one sat at all. America had stood up to the politics of hate and division and on that bus, on that night, they all jumped to their feet to celebrate.

There won’t never be no Black President?! A friend sent me this email on election day:

My dad…

Just turned 79.

He voted for Eisenhower. Twice.

He voted for Nixon. Twice. Yikes! (He admits he regrets it)

He voted for Goldwater.

He voted for Ford.

He voted for Reagan. Twice.

He voted for Bush Sr. Twice.

He voted for Bob Dole.

He voted for W. Twice. Yeesh. (He was dissapointed with W)

But this morning he voted for Obama.

Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? Hope really is alive and well in America today!

There won’t never be no Black President?! We don’t need one. We need a president who will inspire “an old dog” to learn some new tricks. We need a President who will inspire a Black grandmother in North Carolina to weep as she stands in line to exercise her right to the ballot, crying because she “knows now why God kept me around so long.”

We need a President who makes a point of including gay Americans in his victory speech. We need a President who goes out of his way to pronounce the names of leaders and nations correctly. We need a President who so obviously adores his family that I find myself wondering whether Theo and Vanessa will be moving to The White House with them.

We don’t need a Black President. We need a President who is of the people, who was elected by the people, and who will be for the people. Only time will tell if Barrack Obama can be all of that once he resides at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. But I believe. And I rejoice that I’m not the only one. My apologies, America. I got this one wrong.

There won’t never be no Black President?! We don’t need a Black President. We need a President who calls on the best of who we are and the greatest of what we can be. And if that person should happen to have two X chromosomes or almond shaped eyes or a turban or a life-partner of the same sex or a name we have some difficulty pronouncing, we now know that we are capable, as a nation, of “learning new tricks,” of placing the best person in the highest office in the land. This time around many of us feel we found that person. His name happens to be Barack Hussein Obama. He happens to be Black. And he happens to be the next President of the United States of America.

We’re closing the comments on this one — if you’ve got something to say, go tell the man directly.

Where Are the all the Sour Grapes?

When your team wins the Super Bowl, or the World Series, or the Stanley Cup, half the fun has always been in the camera shots of the opposing team’s dugout. Man: There is nothing more satisfying than watching a New York Yankee or a New England Patriot cry. And then get all blame-y, and finger point-y. It’s so much fun!

So, in that spirit, I searched the nets this morning for McCain supporters, for Fox News pundits, and right-wing nutjobs puking up their sour grapes. For a few minutes, at least, I wanted to smugly bask in their misery.

But I couldn’t find any such videos. I found several videos from Republican pundits talking about what went wrong, what they needed to do to regain power, and where the future of the Republican party was. But no one on the right was crying foul. No one was crying in their Cheerios. Or talking about how awful the next four years are gonna be. They were strangely conciliatory. Even Karl fucking Rove.

McCain gave one helluva nice concession speech last night — probably the best speech of his campaign, ironically. And I honestly think that the Republicans took his cue. In the days to come, no doubt, they’ll crawl out of the woodwork. Rush Limbaugh, Anne Coulter, and Seam Hannity aren’t going to disappear just because we elected a Democrat. But maybe we’ve silenced them for a few hours. Or maybe — just maybe — deep down they’re not that upset about the defeat of McCain. Maybe a few of them even got caught up in the elation of this historic moment. Maybe they don’t think our country is going immediately into the toilet, after all.

Hey! Anything is possible. After all, we just elected a black man to the highest office in the land.

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Bye Fucking Bye

So long, W. You were great for a few laughs, but awful for the country. See you in hell, sir!

This guy is the best

captain-fantastic-short.jpgThat British dude right there just legally changed his name. He used to be called George Garratt. But the former Garratt said he wanted to be unique, and I guess “George Garratt” wasn’t cutting it for him. So now he’s changed it up, and given himself a fantastic name:

Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined

This is believed to be the new record for the longest name in the world, even topping a Texas girl’s hefty Rhoshandiatellyneshiaunneveshenk Koyaanisquatsiuth Williams name.

Sadly, Captain Fantastic’s grandmother is no longer speaking to him. Doesn’t she understand that he’s faster than all those heroes combined? What the fuck is her problem? …fucking old people.


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The Daily Memo - 11/5/08

check.jpgFucking manga lovers are out of control … a Japanese man wants to change the law so he can marry a fucking cartoon character. (Metro.co.uk)

check.jpgPoor Tim Robbins. Poor poor guy. (The Huffington Post)

check.jpgLast week, Philly was enjoying the World Series. This week, it got to enjoy Black Panther voter intimidation. (Philly.com)

check.jpg“Shit doesn’t happen.” …It’s been a while since I’ve mentioned how much I love Dahlia Lithwick. (Slate)

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Obama Wins! Gays Lose.

gayadoption.jpgBeyond the elation of seeing the first black man elected President, there were some deep disappointments in last night’s election. Apparently, as a country, we can come together behind a black man, but we’re still a long way from fully accepting homosexuality. Two states passed constitutional amendments to ban gay marriage, and — though it’s not official — it appears that California has also banned gay marriage, becoming the first state in America to extend same-sex marriage rights only to strip them away just a few months later. God, that’s depressing.

For me, what’s even more depressing is the fact that, in my home state of Arkansas, they passed an initiative, fairly overwhelmingly, banning gay couples from adopting. What the fuck? As a friend of mine in Arkansas wrote, “All children need homes.” Arkansas has just taken away thousands of opportunities for those children to get them.

That’s really upsetting. Apparently, loving someone of the same sex precludes someone from loving a child.

We’ve come a long way, folks. But we still have a long ways to go.

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Now wait a minute — Obama’s not actually going to be the first black president

(Hat tip: Fark.)

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A man rolls into a bar…

two-beers.jpgIn Georgia, Robert Gibson was recently arrested for a DUI. When the cops pulled the 59-year-old over, they say his speech was slurred, his eyes were bloodshot, and his shirt was slobbered-on. Gibson was taken to the hospital and apparently had a hefty blood alcohol level of .405.

The thing of it is, though, this arrest is unfair as shit. And that’s because Gibson is crippled, and his DUI wasn’t for driving a car, but for being in his motorized wheelchair. I mean, dude can’t ever get good and trashed if he’s going to get a DUI every time he just tries to get home by his own version of walking (and you can’t expect a dude with a .4 BAC to manually roll himself home, you know?). That’s some bullshit.

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One down, three to go…

obama-and-biden.jpgOf course, Obama’s win is the big get for the night. No doubt about it (there were literally folks out on my street cheering just after 8 when the election was called).

That being said, there are three other races that I’m still feverishly watching. First, I’m hoping that I’ll get to say a big “fuck you” to the bigots who want gay marriage out of California. Right now, Proposition 4 is losing by a few points, but it’s still real tight. If this stupid shit passes, it means our fucking state constitution is getting amended to include discrimination and, as Rachel Maddow put it last night, the fine citizens of California will have voted to affirmatively take away a right that has been granted to folks. I know there will be another one of these props in 2 or 4 years if Prop 8 loses, but I’ll take it. One fight at a time.

Meanwhile, it would also be nice to see Al Franken win the Minnesota Senate seat. Yes, he’s a no good comedian. But the mother fucker is smart and insightful, and I think he’d do good things for the party and for the people of the Twin Cities and the rest of the Gopher State. If he happens to lose, at least this’ll give him time to write another (hopefully) excellent book. But time will tell (at the time of this writing, he’s in a deadheat with 80% of the precints reported).

And finally, another tight race here in Cali is for Proposition 4. The so-called Sarah’s Law would make way for another amendment to the California Consitution, this one setting up parental notification requirements for underage girls looking for abortions. Sounds ok on paper, but most of what I’ve seen and read says that these cause much more harm than good in practice. So it would be nice if that didn’t get permanently carved into our state consitution. As with Prop 8, it’s losing at the moment, but there are still a lot of votes to count.

But again, good on ya’ America for putting Obama into office. And to you, Barack, congrats. Now get Governors Richards and Rendell into your cabinet and let’s start fixing this shit up.

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A Nice Rational Discussion of the Candidates. With Paintball Guns

I fucking love this show.

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Who Needs to Vote; Fate Has Already Decided It

20081104pd_steelers1103e_500.jpgWell, with a 94 percent certainty. Ironically, 538.com has it at 98 percent.

The only thing as big as politics in the D.C. beltway is Redskins football. Political pundits and football fans noticed a trend between Presidential elections and the Redskins results from their last game before voters make their decision.
From 1940 to 2000 if the Redskins won in the week before the election so did the incumbent party. If they lost so did the incumbents.
In 1980 the Vikings played the Redskins with Jimmy Carter looking for a second term in the White House. The Redskins lost to the Vikings and days later Carter lost to Ronald Reagan.
The trend continued up to 2004 when the Packers beat the Redskins. However President Bush went on to win a second term in the White House. Still the predictor has been correct 94.4% of the time.
The Pittsburgh Steelers beat Washington Monday night, 23-6, so voters will now have to wait and see if Tuesday’s election if the predictor makes it 17 out of 18 in 2008.

It certainly helps that the Redskins suck.

The Five Defining Pop-Culture Moments of the Presidential Campaign

If you never watched a minute of the news over the last year, didn’t own a TV, and lived in a cave, you’d still somehow be familiar with the top five defining moments of the 2008 Presidential Election. Here they are:

5. Sarah Palin with Katie Couric

4. Obama Girl

4. “The Colbert Report’s” John McCain Green Screen Challenge

2. Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin on “SNL”

1. “Yes We Can”

(Cross-posted from Pajiba. Fuck You. It’s election day. I’m busy.)

Yeah. Sure. And Then a Nun Walked By

nundddd.jpgMy oldest friend loathes this story, which hasn’t held up very well over the years. But, fuck it: Back when he was in the third grade (maybe fourth), he was in Wal-Mart. And for reasons that escape me, though it probably had something to do with being in the third grade, he shat his pants. It’s a story we told frequently to embarrass him. However, whenever anyone brought up the story, in order to undermine our credibility, my friend would add disbelievingly, “Uh huh. Sure, and then a nun walked by, right?” The irony, of course, was that a nun did walk by, which is the only thing that makes the story even remotely interesting 20 years later.

OK. It’s not that interesting. But, I suspect a few years from now, an embarrassed Aniello Esposito will be adding a similar addendum whenever his friends tell this story.

An Italian man has claimed he was beaten up by two 83-year-old nuns and a priest in a row over the ownership of a restaurant in a small southern town.
Aniello Esposito, 49, told police he arrived at the restaurant he runs in Rutino in Campania to find the three throwing furniture into the street and smashing plates.
When he tried to intervene the priest knocked him to the ground with a chair and the two nuns began to kick him, he claimed.
Esposito was taken to hospital in an ambulance after the incident a month ago, where doctors found neck and abdominal contusions, according to his hospital file.

Uh huh. And next he’ll say I was beat up by a nun. Suuuuuuure.

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The Daily Memo - 11/4/08

check.jpgAn elderly New Zealand couple have divorced their deadbeat son after he stole twenty grand from them. (Stuff.co.nz)

check.jpgLying to a judge about your father’s death to get out of jury duty so you can go to a horse race is a bad idea when the case just happens to be in the national spotlight. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgOne site’s guide to watching the election results. (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgSo county councils in England aren’t supposed to spend £400,000 on hypnosis? (Daily Star)

check.jpgBrilliant! “Man freed from jail after white powder found to be deodorant, not cocaine.” (kare11)

We don’t need no bar license, let the mother fucker burn

burning-house.jpgSamuel Pontier is a helluva guy. He and his wife separated, and she moved into her own house. One day, however, he decided that the house was just too damn messy and that the only course of action was to burn it down, naturally, nevermind the fact that his 17-year-old daughter was inside the house.

This led to him pleading guilty to aggravated assault and arson a few years ago, landing him a healthy 10 years in the clink. And now the Pennsylvania state bar has stepped in and disbarred Pontier — did I mention that he is was a fucking lawyer? — because, you know, these things are kinda frowned upon. But to be fair, this wasn’t on the MPRE or the Bar Exam, so how was he supposed to know?

(Hat tip to the Blawg Review editor.)

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World Fucking Champions

ryan-howard.jpgI’ve always said The Scalia is my favorite Supreme. I may have to scratch that, now that I know that Alito is a big ol’ Phillies fan:

Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito Jr. has turned his desk at the Court into a mini-shrine to the Philadelphia Phillies.
There’s a Phillies towel, the front page of Thursday’s Philadelphia Inquirer with a headline proclaiming “CHAMPS!” and a baseball hat marking the team’s playoff win. The World Series hat, he says, “is on the way.”
Alito, a Phillies fan since he was 4 or 5 years old, granted a rare in-chambers interview Friday to convey his enthusiasm about the World Series victory after a 28-year drought. “Like millions of other fans, I feel like we did it,” Alito said.


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Happy Election Day from some politically minded convicts…


(From The Smoking Gun, of course.)

RIP: Madelyn Dunham (1922 - 2008)


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Here You Go, Folks: “Real” America!

hanged racoon.jpgYes. That is a hanged raccoon. And yes, that sign does say something to the effect of: “Vote No Blacks” (props for not using the word they probably wanted to use), and yes, that is a Confederate flag.

Vote McCain. They’ll string up your raccoons.

God Bless America. Or, as the Reverend Wright would say: God Damn America!

(H/T Wonkette)

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Welcome to Miami …

birdcagedd.jpgCBS News in Miami reported over the weekend that nobody was murdered in Miami during the entire month of October. Why is this big news?

It’s the first month without a murder since 1966! And here I thought post-Scarface Miami was all drag queens and the beach! OK … so evidently all I know about contemporary Miami I learned from The Birdcage.

The Daily Memo - 11/3/08

check.jpgThe Scalia gets wet for opera singers. (Above the Law)

check.jpgMagistrate Muirhead don’t like no hardboiled eggs. (Legal Antics)

check.jpgTomorrow, the Supremes will hear argument for a big (fuck the) FCC case. (SCOTUSblog)

check.jpgThe Georgia Supremes have ruled in favor of a transgendered politician who was being sued by other candidates “who claimed she misled voters by running as a female.” (WRCBTV)

When did bigots get computer savy?

gay-marriage2.jpgSome folks are saying that if Obama happens to take an early lead in the polls tomorrow, Democratic California after-work voters may skip the polls (because we all know this state’s going blue anyway). This is a bad thing for two reasons. First, assuming Obama sees this through, I’d like to see his popular vote count be as high as it can. But more importantly, a low Dem turnout here in Cali increases the odds of Proposition 8 getting passed. This is the fucking proposition to amend our state constitution to get rid of gay marriage because bigots only want the straights to be able to get divorced.

Anyway, Last week, the “No on Prop 8” website was hit with a DOS internet attack, in an attempt to shut it down:

It seems to be a coordinated national effort, coming in tandem with a similar attack on the No on 2 website in Florida (another campaign for marriage equality), and with participants from around the country.
So. Let me get this straight. One of the big tropes of the Yes on 8 campaign is that “activist judges” (i.e., the California Supreme Court enforcing the State Constitution) forced same-sex marriage down the throats of an unwilling state, and the Yes on Prop 8 campaign is simply an attempt to redress this wrong and restore democracy.
And yet somehow, their love of democracy doesn’t include the idea that their opponents have the right to publicize their views and raise money on their own Website. Their love of democracy somehow doesn’t include the right of people to donate money to the political campaign of their choice.

All of which is to say, if you live in Cali, please vote no on this stupid proposition — trust me, gay marriage does not mean the teachers will start telling our kids to get gay married.

(Hat tip to reader Jessica, who not only provided a link to this story, but the amusing question that is this entry’s title.)

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Obama or Treat

pumpkin.jpgIn the suburbs of Michigan, Shirley Nagel decided to mix politics and Halloween. A sign outside of Nagel’s house warned all the little trick-or-treaters that there would be “[n]o handouts for Obama supporters, liars, tricksters of kids of supporters.” And sure enough, if the kids didn’t swear their allegiance to all things McCain and Palin, they wandered away from the house empty-handed.

(Hat tip to reader Kathleen F., who says she’d consider looking the other way if her kids, in that situation, decided to egg Nagel’s house. No kidding — Nagel’s lucky that she didn’t wake up the next morning to find her place just wrecked, because a kid dissed on Halloween is an angry motherfucking kid.)

(Extra hat tip to reader Sharon B. for sending a link to a video piece about this story, which shows what a bitchy neighbor Nagel is.)

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Is there something going on tomorrow?

There’s, like, an election or some junk, right?

So Fark recently had one of its Photoshop contests, this one’s theme being the integration of McCain and Obama into a movie poster. There are several good ones, but this is my favorite because of the added analogy of politics and con artistry:


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I must’ve missed the definition of “self defense” when I was in law school

dexter.jpgSo a paralegal beheaded a dude and his lawyer, who he works for, gave a press conference to explain how it was self-defense. He says that a gang member allegedly forced his way into Brian Waldron’s home:

After a confrontation, Waldron allegedly hit the man with a metal pipe, placed him in the bathtub, cut off his head and limbs and bagged them in plastic, acts his attorney referred to as “not something normal.” He then buried the body parts in the Sierra.

Uhm, ok, hitting the dude with a pipe — sure, maybe that’s self-defense. But then acting like motherfucking Dexter? What the Christ?

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