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Monthly Archives: June 2008

The Daily Memo - 6/30/08

check.jpgHat tip to WIMB’s Stacey for this rather NSFW link. (Boobs4Barack)

check.jpgFree-floating Mylar balloons may soon be illegal in California. (Curbed LA)

check.jpgU.S. News is considering some tweaks to its methodology for ranking law schools. Can it stop penalizing BU for having a hideous law tower, please? (Above the Law)

check.jpgA book about patents, murder and conspiracy? Not my idea of beach reading, but to each their own. (Patently-O)

check.jpgCongressional hypocrisy? Naaaaaah…. (Supreme Dicta)

check.jpgMore on the Supreme’s big, big Second Amendment decision. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgIs Amazon facing just a smidge of tax trouble? (inRich)

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Get your hands off my science text book, you damn dirty ape!

mojo-jojo.jpgMother fuck. One of my biggest pet peeves, in a day and age where there are a lot of things that get my blood boiling, are these hick mother fuckers who simply can’t deal with the fact that evolution happened. The fact of the matter is, you can reconcile science and religion if you are truly so inclined. But all across this country, backwoods mother fuckers would rather blindly believe the Bible as being literal text, accepting that Eve came from a mother fucking rib and that the dinosaurs are just God’s version of a senior prank (what, he didn’t have enough gelatin power to turn the oceans into a big flobbly bowl of Jello?).

The impetus for me getting all bent out of shape is that Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal has signed the Science Education Act into law, ensuring that Louisiana students will be able to have the tripe that is Intelligent Design stuffed down their poor unsuspecting throats. Specifically, the law allows local school boards to authorize teachers to teach things that critique scientific theories. However, as Ars Technica puts it:

Unfortunately, it’s remarkably selective in its suggestion of topics that need critical thinking, as it cites scientific subjects “including, but not limited to, evolution, the origins of life, global warming, and human cloning.”
Oddly, the last item on the list is not the subject of any scientific theory; the remainder are notable for being topics that are the focus of frequent political controversies rather than scientific ones.

It will come as little surprise to those of us who are truly capable of critical thought that the legislation is supported by a host of religious organizations, and the Discovery Institute (an anti-evolution think tank) helped write the fucking thing. This is only the first wave people, so buckle up and get ready for the continued dumbing down of America.

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Now if we could just get some legislation protecting us from shitty Jerry Bruckheimer movies…

armageddon.jpgI hate Jerry Bruckheimer. Hate. He and Michael Bay are responsible for foisting some of the worst celluloid crap upon us this side of Uwe Boll. And I think it’s 1998’s Armageddon which really made my relationship with Bruckheimer irreconcilable. But the one good thing to come out of that movie is that at least folks now take the asteroid-smashing-into-Earth threat seriously. Which is why the House of Representatives recently passed H.R. 6063, legislation which would require NASA to come up with a plan to get a tracking device placed upon the Apophis asteroid, which is on track to come mighty close to our pale blue dot sometime in 2029.

In addition to paying close attention to Apophis, the bill requires the Director of the White House’s Office of Science and Technology Policy to come up with a policy for notifying Federal agencies and other emergency response groups of an impending near-Earth object threat. Hopefully they’ll come up with better plans than whatever it is they have enacted for natural disasters now, because their track record doesn’t really inspire confidence.

No doubt. No doubt.

jello-pudding-pops.jpgSpeaking of Bruckheimer, and this is absolutely a true story — I walked by him this weekend at The Grove, a fancy-schmancy outdoor mall here in LA. And without even thinking, my right hand clenched into a fist and I found myself overcome with a raging desire to slug him in the belly with all of my might. While I know controlling this urge was the right thing to do in the grand scheme of things, there is a part of me that will forever regret the decision (the same part of me that regrets not taking advantage of the opportunity, when I met Bill Cosby, to ask him what the fuck happened to Jello Pudding Pops).

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Congrats to Espana

spain-euro-2008.jpgIn honor of Spain pulling out a great win in the Euro 2008 tournament, here’s a soccer related story for all you footie fans. Over in Jolly Ol’, the police pulled over a car for speeding. The passenger decided to give a false name and, like others before him, had the bad luck of picking a name belonging to a wanted burglar. So he was arrested and taken in to the local police station. Amidst two hours of questioning, the man admitted that he wasn’t the wanted burglar. Rather, he claimed, he was Michael Thomas, a well known soccer star who had played for Arsenal and Liverpool.

Said a police source: “Nobody could believe it when he suddenly said, ‘Actually I’m Michael Thomas’. We hear things like that all of the time and thought he was having a laugh.” But he wasn’t having a laugh, and he was eventually released. Thomas now claims that the cops said he was specifically targeted because he was a black guy who seemed to have a lot of money, and he’s considering filing an official complaint.

And for the record, Arsenal sucks.

(And congrats to Spain for a well-deserved win, especially with the loan goal coming from my Liverpool boy El Nino!)

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My eyes … these goggles, they do nuzzing!

radioactive-man-goggles.jpgI’m no better than most everyone else. If I hear there’s a celebrity sex tape, I kinda want to see it just because. However, I have no, no, no desire to see the sex tape starring Verne “Mini-Me” Troyer, which TMZ started showing footage of last week. And apparently, Troyer realizes what an American travesty it is for others to see him getting his mini on, so he’s now sued TMZ over its showing of the footage.

The story his camp is spinning is that the tape of him and his ex-girlfriend was stolen and, despite being sent several cease-and-desist letters, TMZ chose to post and continue hosting the footage. I’m no supporter of Troyer, who seems like a raging mini-douchebag (although he is responsible for one of the greatest moments of reality TV ever, him standing naked on a scooter pissing in the corner of the “Surreal World” living room). But in this case, I hope his lawsuit causes TMZ to fucking fold up shop, never to be heard from again. Because just knowing that I could accidentally stumble upon online video of Troyer doing whatever dirty things he’s on video doing … well, it’s doesn’t give me a special feeling down there.

“George Carlin Is In Hell. Deal With It.”

If Heaven admitted Westboro Baptist Fuck, Fred Phelps, I’d gladly walk into the flames of Hell with a smile on my face.

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Friday’s in Colostomy Bag Punditry

“The last football game we’ll ever get to see before the United States gets blown up by the Islamists under Obama.” … Hugh Hewitt, June 25, 2008.

1) Wow! 2) Who the hell is Hugh Hewitt; and 3) I hope Ohio State wins. I fucking hate the Trojans.

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What the Hell is Going on in Canada?

595114795_35d5cd55cc.jpgLast week, we gave you the absolutely ridiculous case in Canada where a 12-year-old girl sued her father because she felt her punishment was too harsh and won. This week, the Human Rights Tribunal in Vancouver has agreed to hear a case brought against a stand-up comedian by two lesbians, who are complaining that … well … the comedian was being too mean to them, after the two lesbians heckled him


Isn’t that what comedians do? Mock hecklers by making stereotypical jokes about them? Is something going on in Canada? Seriously: Does the legal system have so little to do that they would actually entertain this case?

Still, I wish to hell I knew what the comedian said about the lesbians to prompt a couple of drunk gravy swappers to file suit. Those Canadians: They’re, like, legislating politeness now, aren’t they? The whole goddamn country should be forced to spend a month in Jersey, just to toughen them up a little. Sheesh.

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The Daily Memo - 6/27/08

check.jpgThe Secret Service is a bunch of heartless bastards, getting a crazy homeless guy tossed in the clink for five years just cause he said he wanted to head down to DC to shoot Mr. Bush. (Above the Law)

check.jpgEarlier this week, the NY Supremes tossed a case where a woman was suing her rabbi because, get this, she claimed that he talked her into having sex with him in order to help her find a husband. (Law.com)

check.jpgIt has nothing to do with laws and privacy and discrimination — you simply don’t shit where you eat, people. (LawInfo)

check.jpgFacebook’s long legal nightmare is finally over, and its owners can get back to rolling around in fitty dolla bills. (NY Times Blog)

check.jpgNo matter how much time you give the poor bastard for his stupid lawsuit, he’s still going to be, at the end of the day, a NY Jets fan. (SI)

check.jpgCrazy midget Prince is suing a bunch of folks who recorded covers of his songs for his birthday. (Wired)

Was her name Rosie?

rosie-robot.jpgOver in Italy, a 43-year-old Genoa man was upset about his ex-girlfriend leaving him. So he did what any cool-headed man does — he called up his buddies and went to the local pub to get trashed, lick his wounds and alternatively talk about how he can do better and how he’ll never do better.

Naaaaah, I’m just kidding.

He did go to a pub. But it was to find his ex. Then he drug her out by her hair and took her back to his place. Where he forced her to iron his clothes and wash his dishes!

Needless to say, he’s now facing kidnapping charges.

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Lemme see Adam’s Sandler’s shitty Zohan do this!

zohan.jpgIn Canton, Michigan, Joseph Webster wandered into a local bank thinking he was going to make some quick cash. He gave the teller a note telling her he had a bomb strapped to his chest. After hitting the silent alarm, the teller started filling Webster’s bag with cash. But another teller noticed what was going one, and she quietly brought it to the attention of Nabil Fawzi, a bank regular.

Who also happens to be a former member of the Lebanese army.

[Fawzi] tells WXYZ.com he pulled out a 9 mm handgun (for which he had a CCW permit), racked a bullet in the chamber, pointed it at Webster and announced, “You are not robbing this bank!”
The startled Webster countered with, “but, I have a bomb” — but Fawzi wasn’t impressed. “I don’t care. You are not robbing this bank!” was the reply from the other side of the gun. He then forced the Webster into a chair and held him at gunpoint until police arrived.

Fucking. A. Dude. Fucking A.

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The best trespassing story you’ll read all day

t-mobile.jpgIn Boulder, Colorado, 25-year-old Luke Barrett has been arrested for, and pleaded guilty to, trespassing and obstructing an officer. Seems that Barrett was homeless and so, last December, he made his own home on the property of a T-Mobile store.

Strike that. Rather, he made his home on the T-Mobile store. For the last half-a-year, he’s been living on the store’s roof!

According to the T-Mobile store, employees had a suspicion that someone was living on the roof. Cleaning employees and maintenance crews said on two occasions they found and removed cushions, garbage and a sleeping bag from the roof.

The real tragedy of this story is that I want to laugh at it but, fuck it all, it’s kinda’ sad. Of course, T-Mobile did give him the opportunity to remain on the roof for free. Catch being, he’d have to sign a two year exclusive agreement. Those fuckers get you every time!

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Who The Hell Are You Calling Black, Kettle?


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Lesser of Two Evils Loses Millions

hansen.jpgI’ve never been a huge fan of NBC’s “To Catch a Predator,” and I always suspected it was only a matter of time before they drove someone to suicide. And in fact, they did just that a couple of years ago: A district attorney who had a sexually explicit chat with an adult posing as a 13-year old boy didn’t show up for a sting operation. Instead, he killed himself.

His sister sued for $105 million and, after a judge concluded that NBC “crossed the line from responsible journalism to irresponsible and reckless intrusion into law enforcement,” the network settled. And I think that’s just.

On the other hand, the guy was probably a pedophile, so I’m not so sure how much enthusiasm I can muster for a woman who just won millions of dollars because her brother liked to chat-up little kids.

Either way: That’s one less lawyer. And that’s how Jesus would want it.

Aaaaaand, today’s Australia hat trick is complete

stones-tongue.jpgBrilliant. Just brilliant.

A police officer approached a motorist relieving himself on the side of the road in South Kitsap, a suburb of Washington.
The man explained to the officer that he had consumed “a bunch” of beers but was not driving drunk.
According to the officer, the man said he was slurring his words because “his dentist advised him his mouth was too big for his tongue.”
Now, that’s the best excuse for drunk-driving we’ve ever heard!

The Daily Memo - 6/26/08

check.jpgGod forbid an all-female law firm try to have a little fun with its advertising. (Buffalo News)

check.jpgCould gas prices plummet to $2 a gallon if Congress would just get off its ass and do something? (MarketWatch)

check.jpgThe Central District of California has used some common sense in telling a record label that its bullshit phony license is trumped by the first sale doctrine. (Likelihood of Confusion)

check.jpgMmmmmm … double double, animal style, please. (The Trademark Blog)

check.jpgYesterday, in addition to the death penalty/kiddie rape decision, the Supremes also “cleared up the muddied waters of maritime law [by] finding [that] punitive damages are indeed available.” (SCOTUSblog)

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Supreme Court Allows Heston to Keep Handgun in Cold, Dead Hands

hestonasdfadsf.jpgUnsurprisingly, and by another 5-4 vote, the Supreme Court just handed down it’s ruling on the D.C. handgun ban, ruling that it was unconstitutional under the 2nd Amendment. The biggest surprise to me, I suppose, is that there were four justices on the Court that actually decided to read the Constitutional more literally, i.e., limiting the right to bear arms to “militias.” I haven’t read the opinion yet, but I guess that also means that the strict constructionists on the Court — Scalia, specifically, who wrote for the majority — went against the literal interpretation of the Constitution, and extended the right to bear arms to individuals.

And can you believe it — Scalia based part of the decision on legislative history and arms-bearing rights in state constitutions. What a hypocrite. But, with Stevens — writing for the minority — scoffing at legislative history, it really does come down to politics. These Justices will bend law and Constitutional text any way they can to fit it into their own political biases. That’s nothing you don’t already know.

All well: If you piggyback this decision onto yesterday’s decision to give the death penalty to child rapists, at least a parent still has the ability to buy a gun and shoot the rapist. Woo-hoo! Long live vengeance!

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Zoinks! Like, no way man!

shaggy.jpgAustralia may not have free speech, but they’ve got a Scooby on the lam. In fact, Scooby Doo “has become one of Queensland’s most wanted after giving police the slip during a reckless track invasion at the Ipswich Cup race day.” Seems that some dude went to Hidden Identity Costumes and rented a Scooby costume. He then went to the Ipswich Turf Club, a race track, and wandered out onto the track itself while the last race of the day was going on. Said the club’s GM: He almost “got cleaned up” by the horses.

While the cops have a wonderful photo of Scooby (see below), they have no idea who he is. Neither does the owner of Hidden Identity Costumes, because the Scooby Bandit rented his costume with a stolen ID, and never bothered to return. The store’s owner said that the Scooby Bandit “definitely lost his $40 bond.”

Whatever dude. Forty bucks for that Scooby costume is a fucking deal.

What I want to know is, did he solve the crime? You know, go up to the winning jockey and peel back his face, revealing the old man responsible for stealing the Queen’s jewels. …pesky kids.


I thought he was just a hotrod builder?

ministry-cover.jpgIn Australia, a 16-year-old boy has been arrested because he had the audacity to wear a t-shirt. Down under, they’ve got this Summary Offences Act 2005 which makes public nuisance illegal and, apparently, t-shirts are public nuisances. To be fair, the shirt did have a picture of a nun masturbating with a huge slogan on the back reading “Jesus is a cunt,” but still — who would find that offensive or blasphemous?

And since Australia doesn’t have our lovely little First Amendment, you can get arrested for publicly blasphemous statements like that. One local lawyer says this story is exactly why the country needs its own Bill of Rights: “One of the great problems with our country is that we talk about rights such as privacy and freedom of speech and the like but they are not enshrined or protected in any way as they are in America.”


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Well, It’s About Damn Time …

13435609_400x400.jpgSeattle police — good men and women with a healthy amount of common sense — have appropriately started ticketing folks who hold up traffic in the passing lane of the freeway, even if they are going the speed limit.

And as well they should.

People that hog the passing lane while refusing to go above the speed limit, while haughtily justifying it in their mind, should be taken out behind a woodshed and run over by a speeding car.

In fact, nationwide, there should be two different speed limits: One for the right lane, and one for the left lane. The speed-limit sign for the left lane ought to read simply: “Go faster, dumbass.”

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Clinton Holds Hand with Unidentified Woman; Canada Goes Apeshit

bill-clintonadsfasdf-thumb.jpgUpdate (6/26): We had to take the original picture down because we’re too poor and/or cheap to pay the licensing fee, but you can clink on the link to see the wild and raucous image for yourself.

The Edmonton Sun caught this image on camera and ran wild with it:

An Edmonton Sun photo of Bill Clinton holding hands with a smiling young woman has launched a new storm of gossip and speculation for the randy ex-commander-in- chief.
When the former U.S. president came to Edmonton for a speaking engagement on Friday, the Edmonton Sun snapped a photograph of Clinton holding the hand of an unidentified woman, who is now rumoured to be a campaign worker for his wife, Hillary.

Hmmm. I think it’s safe to say that, here in America, we’ll wait until Bill gets caught with his hand on a woman’s ass and his pants around his ankles before we even start to think about thinking about getting outraged. Holding hands with an unidentified woman is just a Friday morning for Clinton.

It’s about time man-tits were made illegal

bitchtits.jpgIn Easton, Maryland, 18-year-old Sean Cephus was given a ticket earlier this month for having the temerity to wander around outside with no shirt. This scofflaw was in direct violation of the town’s 1974 ordinance forbidding public toplessness and so Cephus became the third person in five years to get a ticket worth up to $100 and 10 days in the clink.

When asked about the ordinance, Police Lt. Gregory Wright said that it was a public nuisance to have folks walking around with no shirt on. Here in LA, more times than not I think it’s probably ok. The dudes who usually go shirtless are all jacked and if most of the gals wanted to go topless, well, this blogger wouldn’t complain. But I’ve lived in Maryland and, uhm, yeah — there, toplessness would totally be a nuisance. So well done Lt. Wright — keep up the good fight!

The Daily Memo - 6/25/08

check.jpgNote to self — when robbing a gas station, don’t give them my driver’s license first and then leave it there. (AL.com)

check.jpgSummer associates get drunk and hook up the night before they’re supposed to build a Habitat for Humanity house and then one, or both, of them don’t show up? This is indeed a lame season for summer associate shenanigans…. (Above the Law)

check.jpgTurns out that when the parents divorce, the kids still can win. Kinda sorta. (Law.com)

check.jpgWith 100 pro se claims under his belt, Harry Franklin might actually be a more experienced lawyer than me, even if he hasn’t practiced in 20-odd years. (Legal Antics)

check.jpgYikes — when depositions degrade to a lawyer making digs at another lawyer’s dead vet son, shit has gone south. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgWhen judges write limericks, everyone’s a winner. (Law.com)

Supreme Court Gets It Right, But I Don’t Like It

Electric-Chair.jpgI’m not a death penalty advocate whatsoever; in fact, I’m pretty set against it, so long as I’m not actually privy to the facts of a particular case (throw in the gruesome details, and my conservative “give ‘em the chair” streak runs wild). So today’s Supreme Court ruling gives me mixed emotions.

By a 5-4 margin, in an opinion written by Justice Kennedy (as of this writing, I don’t know all of the details, but it’s safe to say that Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, and the new guy are in the minority), the Supreme Court ruled that it is not constitutional to impose the death penalty on those who have been convicted of raping a child.

It makes sense, and I suppose that the punishment is not proportional, since it’s less of an “eye for an eye” thing and more of an “eye for the loss of your childhood and likely life debilitating trauma” thing. So, bully for the Sups.

But on the other hand: If you had to give out the death penalty, wouldn’t it feel good to fry the bastards who raped children? I’m just sayin’, you know?

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When opening the QuizLaw Mailbag, please bring your own terrorist funding

mailbag.jpgYou gotta love our diligent government. Reader Eric O. points us to the story of a poor Danish clothing boutique which tried to order six dresses from a dress manufacturer in Pakistan, only to find its $205 payment frozen by the US Government. The store’s owner, Christa Møllgaard-Hansen (god I love that o-with-a-slash thing) said that after giving the Feds all the info they asked for about who she was sending the payment too, they still wanted more — they wanted her to get the birth date of her Pakistani contact, Rashid, and she was none too pleased: “…I was just angry that the Americans could conduct that kind of surveillance on us and require such information. What was I supposed to say to Rashid? That the US suspected him of being a terrorist? I couldn’t do that.” U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Meanwhile, Wayne M. sends us the following obituary, which has nothing to do with the law, but I post it for two reasons. One, it’s just funny in and of itself if you read it all the way to the end. But more importantly, I love the irony of the “dignity” logo right above. Florida fucking rules, man.


How to get away with crimes in Norman, Oklahoma

norman-ok.jpgIt’s quite simple, really. Let’s say you suddenly find yourself in a high-speed chase. It’s late on a Sunday night, and the po-lice are on your tail. You turn left, they turn left. You turn right, they turn right. Like mother fucking glue, I’ll tell you what!

But there’s an out. Speed up, as fast as can, and get good and ahead of the cops. Then, before they can see you, ditch the car and run. Hide yourself real good, so when the cops conduct their door-to-door search, they can’t find.

And that’s it — you’re free!

…”But wait,” you say. “What about my fucking car?” Worry not, friend, because you can just go pick it up from the impound lot later!

[Captain Leonard] Judy said there are no suspects and stated that even when the owner of the car turns up at impound to collect the vehicle, it’s unlikely police will file charges due to lack of evidence.

Wow! What an Enthusiastic Endorsement!

Thumbnail image for bill-clintonasdfadsfd.jpgBill Clinton finally came out and did what he needed to do, delivering this written, one-sentence endorsement of Barack Obama:

“President Clinton is obviously committed to doing whatever he can and is asked to do to ensure Senator Obama is the next President of the United States.”

Now, that’s what I call an endorsement! He doesn’t beat around the bush, does he? Comes right out and gives it the old Bill Clinton hurrah! No splitting hairs, there. The man is obviously over the moon about the Obama candidacy. He best be careful, or else he’s gonna need another heart operation. Tone it down, Bill. Geez.

Bitter much?

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Wearing Saggy Pants? Well, You Get What You Deserve, Then

pullurpantsup.jpgIn Florida, though it’s not yet a petty crime to wear your pants halfway down your ass, it still might get you shot. Why? Cause that’s how they roll in Florida!

A Jacksonville man is accused of shooting an 18-year-old after telling him to pull his jeans up.
It happened about 7:15 p.m. Saturday at Cross Creek Apartments on Manotak Avenue. Police arrived to find the 54-year-old suspect standing next to the victim. The suspect had a gun in his waistband but kept his hands up for police.
Several witnesses told police the man followed David A. Mitchell into the courtyard from the pool telling him to pull his pants up. The two began to argue, and the younger man pushed the suspect before being shot in the stomach, according to the arrest report.
Mitchell, who was released from the hospital the same day, told the Times-Union Monday that the bullet is still in his side but the doctors say he’ll be fine. He said he had never seen the man and knew his shorts were sagging. He said he pulled them up, but the man said it wasn’t enough and just kept coming. So he pushed him off and tried to walk away.

This is why it’s always a good idea to wear suspenders, folks. They’re fashionable, and they might just save your life. Now get off my goddamn lawn.

Ha Ha Ha … Wait, That’s Not Funny

myspace.gifThose MySpace bastards have taken the “Punk’d” thing to a whole new level:

Police charged two Spotsylvania County men yesterday after a Timberwood Road resident called to report a break-in and death threat.
According to a press release from 1st Sgt. Liz Scott of the Spotsylvania Sheriff’s Office, the victim told police he woke up to his dogs barking at 7 a.m. and saw a man in a mask coming into his house.
He was able to identify the intruder by his voice, Scott said, although the relationship between the two men is unknown. The victim told police that the intruder, later identified as Paul Michael Hagan, 20, put a shotgun to his head and said he would shoot him as he demanded money and his X-Box.
The victim yelled to his girlfriend to call police and then wrestled over the gun with the intruder, Scott said.
The man identified as Hagan was eventually forced out of the home while the victim’s girlfriend was on the phone with a 911 dispatcher, Scott said.
While outside, the victim said to police, the intruder racked the shotgun and threatened him again.
The intruder then told the victim that it was all a joke and he was videotaping the incident for MySpace, a social networking Web site.

You know what would’ve made this the perfect prank? If the victim had turned the shotgun on his friend and shot him in the face and it was all caught on camera! Ha! How much fun would’ve been to see a real-life, warranted shotgun blast to the face!

Stupid people.

The Daily Memo - 6/24/08

check.jpgFor eight-year-old NYC boys, has lawyer-envy taken the place of penis envy? (Legal Antics)

check.jpg“How to get your security deposit back.” (LawInfo)

check.jpgOut in Weston, Ohio, a wonderful sheriff told kids that society would be so much simpler if we just boiled all our numerous pesky laws down to a few simple Commandment-like laws. (Supreme Dicta)

check.jpgThe Naked Cowboy has no right to privacy, but that blue M&M isn’t out of hot water yet. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgGoogle has lost the right to use the term “gmail” in Germany. (The Local)

check.jpgLast week, the Supremes ruled that “when an employer engages in business practices that place a disproportionate burden on older workers, the employer bears the burden of persuasion of showing that its action was based on reasonable factors other than age.” (SCOTUSblog)

Can you smell me now?

j-barrier.jpgThat fine specimen of Ohio man right there is Jeffrey Barrier. He was recently arrested for being a video-taking peeping tom at a tanning salon. Seems the fine Mr. Barrier traveled on over to Aloha Tanning, in Cincinnati, and climbed up on a chair to use his camera phone to snap some pictures of an unsuspecting and nekkid gal. He got busted and the cops showed up, but Barrier pleaded his innocence. A search found no camera, but oh no, them cops weren’t convinced.

So they searched again.

And found the phone stuffed up his ass.

While he’s been charged with disorderly conduct and obstructing an investigation, there are currently no charges for cruelty to cellphone.

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Finally, Congress is trying to do something right

television.jpgNow here’s a piece of legislation this TV Whore can get behind — Senator Roger Wicker, from Mississippi, has introduced legislation “that would require the Federal communications Commission to bar commercials from being broadcast at louder volumes than the program material they accompany.” Wicker has cutely titled his legislation the Commercial Advertisement Loudness Mitigation Act (the “CALM Act”), and says it’s “a common sense approach to a problem that plagues” families across this fine TV-loving country of ours. Amen brother, amen.

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Our Florida readers can sleep soundly now…

ratatouille.jpg…because the culprit behind last week’s rat dumping has been arrested!

Marion County investigators say they arrested Christopher Stephens after a tip from one of his former business partners. Stephens is accused of dumping several large containers, each full of hundreds of dead rats.
A jogger made the disturbing discovery along Southwest 114th Street. The suspect’s business partner says they had been in a reptile business that went under.

If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Bomb Iran!

Can’t beat Obama on the merits? How about scaring the bejesus out of America into voting for McCain. That’s what Bill Kristol seems to be doing; he’s suggesting that, if it looks like Obama is going to win the election in November, George Bush will bomb Iran on his way out.

That’s a strange new tactic. Vote for McCain! Or I’ll send the next generation of men and women to fight another unnecessary war for the next ten years! Well, they won’t get Alex, damnit.

Woah, Lady: That’s Not Sexism, That’s Good Old Fashioned Corporate America

B000059HAM.01._SCLZZZZZZZ_.jpgLast week, a judge threw out a sexual harassment suit a woman brought against her former company, a suit that alleged that making a female receptionist serve coffee to her male supervisors was, in and of itself, sexist.

Ummm. Really?

This is a tough call, actually. I can vaguely see her point — that being asked by men to serve them coffee is demeaning. But then again, she’s a receptionist, and male or female, that’s what a lot of receptionist do — they serve coffee. It’s no more demeaning, I’d argue, than most of the other receptionist duties (believe you me; I’ve been a secretary at a law firm before, and every fucking second of it felt demeaning, and I never served coffee).

Anyway, aside from the claim that serving coffee was grounds of sexual harassment, there was another item in support of her case, which I find absolutely ludicrous:

After just a few weeks on the job, Klopfenstein claims that a male co-worker invited her to lunch in an e-mail that said “I feel bad you have been working here for a couple of weeks and we haven’t gotten to know each other yet.” In her deposition, Klopfenstein testified that she found the invitation “very offensive” because “there is no reason why a man and a woman should go out to lunch together without any other party around. To me that’s a date.”

Well, that’s a fucked-up definition of a date, I’d say. It sounds like this woman was looking for reasons to claim sexual harassment, and this particular allegation was extremely weak. Besides, if her boss was trying to get in her pants, asking her to get coffee is no way to butter her up.

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Unlucky God Hates Irony

Church Sign2.jpgWhen your name is God Lucky, I can’t imagine a worse karmic fate than being arrested outside a church. But that’s Florida for you:

Police say a man named God was arrested near a Tampa church for selling cocaine.
Authorities began investigating God Lucky Howard in April, and he was arrested on Saturday. Police say he sold the cocaine to undercover detectives in his neighborhood. When officers searched his home, they reported finding another 22 grams of cocaine and a scale.

I blame the parents, actually. It’s like naming your daughter Candy Cane — she’s bound to wind up as a stripper. Likewise, God Lucky? That name has crack pusher written all over it.

The Daily Memo - 6/23/08

check.jpgCould Bob Barr play Nader-spoiler to the GOP this fall? ()

check.jpgGoogle’s increased presence and import has given rise to new legal problems. (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgWay to go Congress! (Politico)

check.jpgHearst has filed a lawsuit to stop the planned Cosmopolitan Resort Casino in Vegas from using “Cosmopolitan” and getting trade mark rights, because Hearst has that “Cosmo” magazine and the word should therefore apparently never be used by anyone else ever again. (The Trademark Blog)

check.jpgIs there a pro-McCain media bias? (The Huffington Post)

check.jpgNorthwestern University is rolling out a two-year path to getting a JD. (Above the Law)

Oh, hypocrisy, how many ways do I love thee…

(Hat tip: The Jed Report.)

A Full Slate

slate.jpgIt was a busy weekend for the crew over at Slate, with four Supreme Court-related posts going up on Friday and Saturday. One article takes a look at the now-five-year-old Lawrence v. Texas decision, which was where the Supremes struck down the Texas anti-sodomy law. The authors try to figure out what the legacy of Lawrence is, deciding that, among other things, it didn’t cause “the collapse of sexual-conduct laws but instead a modernization of their justification” and that it “helped make the country more gay-tolerant.” Both of which sound like pretty good legacies to me.

Meanwhile, another article compares the swinging ways of O’Connor and Kennedy, while the annual Breakfast Table has started its rundown and overview of the Supremes’ most recent term and the last week of the term is upon us.

Lastly, the always wonderful Dahlia Lithwick gives us a user guide for the Supreme Court in light of the upcoming election. Litchiwck notes that McCain “apparently wishes to appoint legal eunuchs” while “Obama evidently wants someone capable of channeling Ashlee Simpson,” explaining that issues like abortion and proper rights are only “half the story.” The bigger issue is this: “As you contemplate what you want your next Supreme Court to look like, ask yourself what happens when judges are sidelined—or when they’re chosen for their inclination to sideline themselves.”

“I asked for a car, I got a computer. How’s that for being born under a bad sign?”

ferris-b.jpgDown in Orange County, 18-year-old Omar Khan (“Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan”) has been charged with a whopping 69 felony counts tied to him breaking into his high school’s computers to change up his grades.

According to the DA and the Orange County Sheriff, Khan and fellow student Tanvir Singh committed their crimes between January and May 2008, breaking into the school on numerous times using a stolen key. The brilliant Khan also attempted to steal a teacher’s password to push his grades and those of 12 other students. All of this while both were exchanging text messages discussing their activities the whole time.

So now Khan (“Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan”) is facing charges of identity theft, computer fraud, second degree burglary and falsifyng public records, among other things. Sadly, there is no charge pending for half-assing his Ferris Bueller impression.

Today is Public Service Day here on the QuizLaw

From India comes this educational video about shields…

Dancing/singing condoms of many colors and flavors — what more can you ask for?

“I am good-natured and provide satisfaction.” Just like QuizLaw!

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The Unintentional Consequence of Juno’s Popularity

the-juno-movie-poster_292x410.jpgHave you heard about this story in Gloucester, Massachusetts. At the high school there, their pregnancy rate unexpectedly quadrupled this year, and a good number of the pregnant girls were under 15. School officials, however, have just now figured out why. Apparently, at least half the 17 knocked up girls had decided — in part because of the popularity of Juno and Knocked Up — to intentionally get pregnant. Indeed, they’d all made a pact to raise their children together. In fact, several girls have come in asking for pregnancy tests and were disappointed to learn that they were not with child.

How messed up is that?

Worse still: Some of the men involved were in their mid-20s, and statutory rape charges are being considered.

Let the countdown until Diablo Cody is sued begin. Meanwhile, does Gloucester have a Pennysaver?

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Man Attempts Armed Robbery with a … Palm Frond!

Palm Frond Robber.jpg

Oh, Florida. You win again! (link to video goodness)

The Daily Memo - 6/20/08

check.jpgRemember the power tripping judge who wants you to rub her corns? Well now you can see video of the ginormous gal. (Above the Law)

check.jpgThe good ol’ Ninth Circuit has limited my boss’ ability to search my text messages. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgMars needs women and W needs lawyers, he thinks. (Legal Antics)

check.jpgA Philly traffic judge is in a weeeee bit of trouble after a YouTube video popped up showing him soliciting campaign funds. (Law.com)

check.jpgYowzah — the Feds have charged over 400 people as a result of a massive probe into mortgage fraud. (CNN)

check.jpgIs the perp walk a legitimate way of getting folks to show up to court, or is it prejudicial and undermining of the presumption of innocence? (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgThe Supremes handed down a slew of decisions yesterday. (SCOTUSblog)

But your honor, they’re harmless. You might even say they’re greeeeeeeaaaaat!

tony-the-tiger.jpgEarlier this week, Michelle Ashton went before a judge to face a charge of interfering with public duties:

McAllen police saw her and four others gathering in the Wal-Mart parking lot on East Jackson. Court documents say the group then went to the Mervyn’s parking lot.
An officer spotted them moving large boxes to cars with Mexican plates. When the police officer questioned them, he heard strange animal noises.

Turns out Ashton and her pals were planning to sell some tiger cubs. She wasn’t actually arrested for that though — instead, she allegedly got disruptive and tried to interfere with the cops’ investigation and, thus, the interference charge. But don’t worry — the investigation has been taken up by Texas Parks & Wildlife, so I’m sure there are some more charges coming, because I can’t imagine possession of tiger cubs with intent to distribute is legal. …Although this is Texas we’re talking about. She’ll probably get charged with not shooting them!

We know he means it when he says he loves America this time, because he’s wearing his flag pin!

Obama has released his first official campaign ad for the general election, trying to introduce himself to the swing states.

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This is Hilarious, Clearly Because I’m 12 Years Old

God bless, YouTube.

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What? The Courts Have Nothing Else to do in Canada

canada-flagad.gifI guess the court system north of the border is so underused that they have deigned to step in the middle of parent/child disputes, as evidenced by this case, where a 12-year-old sued her parents to overturn a grounding:

A Canadian court has lifted a 12-year-old girl’s grounding, overturning her father’s punishment for disobeying his orders to stay off the internet, his lawyer said.
The girl had taken her father to Quebec Superior Court after he refused to allow her to go on a school trip for chatting on websites he tried to block, and then posting “inappropriate” pictures of herself online using a friend’s computer.
The father’s lawyer Kim Beaudoin said the disciplinary measures were for the girl’s “own protection” and is appealing the ruling.
“She’s a child,” Beaudoin said.
“At her age, children test their limits and it’s up to their parents to set boundaries.
“I started an appeal of the decision today to reestablish parental authority, and to ensure that this case doesn’t set a precedent,” she said. Otherwise, said Beaudoin, “parents are going to be walking on egg shells from now on”.

Apparently, Canadian courts have something against decent parenting. If my kid had done this, I’d have doubled the punishment for taking me to court. This is why, sometimes, a good old fashioned spanking is in order: Let’s see a court overturn that!

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That Dude is Really Happy to See You

marijuana.jpgA Canadian man, arrested for failing to show up to several court dates, is searched and thrown into jail. Unfortunately, the cops failed to check one certain area:

It was only when he was being checked in to prison that guards discovered nine grams of marijuana wrapped around his penis. [John Christopher] Williams says it was all a misunderstanding.

A misunderstanding? Dude: A misunderstanding is when your wife asks you to pick up bread and you bring home eggs. A misunderstanding is confusing a man named Barack Hussein for a Middle-Eastern dictator. Wrapping nine grams of bud around your schlong ain’t a misunderstanding, it’s an awesome Tuesday night for someone.

(Mini Diversion: How many grams can you wrap around your penis?)

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The Daily Memo - 6/19/08

check.jpgThis story about the headlocking summer associate was all the talk at the firms yesterday (at least, among those of us highly amused by the bad judgment and poor luck of drunk summer associates). (Above the Law)

check.jpgYikes — “former judge charged in human trafficking case.” (Law.com)

check.jpgOk, this may be misogynistic, but that doesn’t mean it ain’t true — there is totally a difference between real world hot and lawyer hot. (Legal Antics)

check.jpgThe lawsuit brought by Slash and his wife keeps it appetite for destruction. (Daily News)

check.jpgLawyers so addicted to blackberrys they’re interfering with depositions? …Naaaaaah. (Law.com)

“She’s not even black”

Warning: this video, while funny, repatedly spits out a NSFW word….

(A wonderful tip o’ the hat to Deus Ex Malcontent courtesy of If a TV Falls in the Woods…)

Let me see that thong-th-thong-thong-OW!

Courtesy of The Smoking Gun comes the tale of a thong gone wrong:

As she was attempting to put on a Victoria’s Secret thong, a Los Angeles woman claims that a decorative metallic piece flew off the garment and struck her in the eye, causing injuries and a new product liability lawsuit against the underwear giant. Macrida Patterson, 52, alleges that she was hurt last May by a defective “low-rise v-string” from the Victoria’s Secret “Sexy Little Thing” line, according to a lawsuit filed last week in Los Angeles Superior Court.
Victoria’s Secret officials asked to examine the garment and the decorative piece, but that request was rejected by Patterson’s counsel. For those unfamiliar with “v-strings,” the undergarment is the Victoria’s Secret variant on the “g-string,” which has long been favored in the battle against visible panty lines.

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Lessons in how not to win a state House seat

statehouse.jpgLesson 5 — Don’t get busted for a DUI.

Lesson 6 — If a cop is trying to pull you over for speeding and reckless driving, and you’re worried about getting busted for a DUI, don’t speed off. You’ll just get busted for DUI and evading arrest.

Lesson 7 — If you’re already facing federal prescription fraud charges, none of it probably matters anyway. You ain’t getting elected for shit.

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See, going to the dentist isn’t always bad?

little-shop-dentist.jpgLast week, Johnathon Shane May got himself a five year stint in the clink for being a meth dealer. “But your honor,” says May, “I got a dentist appointment coming up. Can my moms take me to the dentist before I go away to the Big House?”

The judge, being an apparently stupid nice stupid person, said yes.

So May left the courthouse and promptly fled away in a Ford Bronco.

The judge said that next time, he’s going to make the criminals pinky swear that they’ll come back.

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…Either that, or we just don’t like the cut of your jib

Shit kids, sorry. It just came to our attention that the little elves working behind the QuizLaw scenes have been holding all your comments hostage for about the last week. Those pointy-eared bastards can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.

But your comments should all be back in their rightful place now and, hopefully, things will run a little smoother with the commenting from here on out. At least, they will if those elves know what’s good for them. Cause I’m not even shy about going all Santa von Claus on them if I have to, busting out my red nosed bull whip and showing them the what’s what.

You hear me Keebler? Get busy publishing comments or get busy feeling my wrath!

Moveon.org Continues Semi-Sleazy but Effective Ways

Who can resist a cute kid? And no one wants to send an infant to Iraq, huh?

I’d watch yourself, though, lady: If you hold your infant to close to Crazy Wallbanger McCain, he’ll eat the body and give the head to Cheney. I’ve seen it.

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GOP State Convention in Texas Offers This Classy Pin


Everyone knows they’re gonna call it the Baby Daddy house.

(H/T Ameriblog)

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Stupid, Stubborn Pride About to Cost Government Millions

26cbfe078a_fiola.jpgSo get this: A government employee out in Massachusetts gets fired because his employer discovered kiddie porn on his state-issued laptop. However, after an extensive investigation, it was discovered that the government issued laptop virus software was corrupt and that the employee — Michael Fiola — had been hit with a ton of spam and viruses, which infected the computer with porn that was naked to the eye. Two forensic examinations of the laptop backed up the investigation, proving without a doubt that the illegal porn on Fiola’s computer was because of a virus infection.

Fiola was nevertheless terminated and his reputation was tarnished. And his employer, the Department of Industrial Accidents, responded this way:

“We stand behind our decision.”

It’s like the DIA is just asking to lose the inevitable lawsuit against them.

Meanwhile, a lesson to you all: Make for goddamn sure your virus software works.

The Daily Memo - 6/18/08

check.jpgA British lawyer faked a nervous breakdown to get a bigger payout in her employment lawsuit. Classy. (Above the Law)

check.jpgIs Justice Thomas depressed? Depends on whether you’re a strict constructionalist. (Supreme Dicta)

check.jpgThe PTO is looking at some changes to the trademark rules. (The TTABlog)

check.jpgMuy bueno. Via a constitutional amendment, Mexico is following the US by allowing trials to be public and giving defendants a presumption of innocence. (LawInfo)

check.jpgThe FDA’s not so happy with all the things out there claiming to prevent cancer. (CNN

check.jpgAn asshole corporate landlord in Florida (natch) won’t void the lease of a man shipping off to Iraq. (TBO.com)

Ye can’t spell Florida, matey, without an arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh

pirate2.jpgI know we bag on the penis state a lot but, and I’m dead serious here, I kinda want to move to Fort Walton Beach:

Booty rained down, shots rang out and airplanes roared overhead as hundreds cheered and chugged.
Mayor Mike Anderson acquiesced after doing what he could to distract the pirates. When negotiations failed, he brought out the first of his last-ditch efforts: temptation.
“He’s released his wenches on the (pirate) militia,” announced the battle’s narrators. “They look questionable to me, if you don’t mind me saying so,” one added.
Then Anderson unleashed the city’s secret mini-militia, a troupe of young defenders who also failed to stop the pirates’ march. Three Air Force T-6s circled overhead but offered no help.
It was the 53rd consecutive defeat suffered by the city, which has faced the pirates annually since the 1950s.
Medical responders had responded to about 25 calls by 6 p.m., said Okaloosa Emergency Medical Services Capt. Steve Speer. About eight of those were alcohol-related, he said. (Source)

Annual pirates, booty, and drunken shenanigans? Mayor Mike Anderson is totally my favorite mayor now.

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See — Obama is just like Indiana Jones!

eagles-fan.jpgBarack understands my Philly peeps. At a Philly fundraiser, he was talking about how his campaign will handle things if the McCain gang gets rough, warning folks that the general election could get dirty: “They’re going to try to scare people. They’re going to try to say that ‘that Obama is a scary guy.’” Then he busted out with this:

If they bring a knife to the fight, we bring a gun. Because from what I understand folks in Philly like a good brawl. I’ve seen Eagles fans.

Word, dude. Word. And you know what, there just so happens to be a ginormous Eagles fan, who knows a little something about a good brawl, who would be all too happy to be your running mate. Governor Rendell will be waiting for your call.

The least the cops could’ve done was given him a chance for the hat trick!

drunk-adult.jpgReader Kristin E. asked us to “please cover this story.” Ask and ye shall receive, although there’s really not much to be said aside from simply telling the story, as it quite speaks for itself: A brilliant man in Sheboygan, Wisconsin (Sheboygan!) was busted twice for drunk driving in the span of 2 hours. It was easy for the cops to figure out he was drunk one of the times as the genius was driving the wrong way down a one way-street at 1:50 in the morning. That’ll usually tip the cops off.

The only thing I’m confused about is that I thought it was illegal in Wisconsin to not be drunk all the time. No?

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Hey, Associated Press — Take These Nuts!

associated-press.jpgIf you haven’t heard, the Associated Press recently caught some flak in the blogosphere when it sent cease and desist letters to at least one blog, asking the blog to stop quoting huge chunks of AP articles. In response to the uproar this caused (since all us blogs quote from the AP and other news sources quite liberally), the AP has now backtracked, and they’re totally not going to sue folks like your friendly neighborhood QuizLaw for quoting from their articles. Nah, they’re the good guy.

So instead, they just want us to pay them if we use more than 5 words!

Seriously. For 5-25 words, I’m supposed to pay a $12.50 license, and then it goes up from there. And Boing Boing points out something even better than this silly license fee:

It gets better! If you pay to quote the AP, but you offend the AP in so doing, the AP “reserves the right to terminate this Agreement at any time if Publisher or its agents finds Your use of the licensed Content to be offensive and/or damaging to Publisher’s reputation.”

Considering we already had a QuizLaw advertiser drop their support after about two hours because we were too offensive, I wonder how long we’d last with the AP? Thankfully, because of fair use, we’re not paying anyway, so it’s a non-issue.

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Clearly, This Python Needs Some Obedience School

16339198-16339200-large.jpgIn Connecticut, of all places, police — responding to a call that a man was threatening his girlfriend with his pet python — arrived at Victor Rodriguez’s apartment and got themselves a nice surprise.

Viadero says that when the building superintendent opened the apartment door for the officers, Rodriguez allegedly threatened them with the snake and told it to “Get them!”

Hahahaha! What the hell, man? Did the guy think he was in a Harry Potter novel, that he could speak a little parseltongue, and sic his python on the po-lice? Freak. Anyway, he was arrested and his albino python was taken to animal control, where I’m sure they’ll teach it to obey commands.

Sit Ubu Sit. Good snake.

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Mr. Bruised Testicle Sentenced; A QL Update

full.1014498aston.jpgA few months ago, we brought you news of David Aston, a Canadian man who was arrested for sexual activity with a child. As we told you then:

David Aston, 32, would lay a towel down to keep his clothes clean then make the youngsters boot him until he could not bear the pain. The court heard of two occasions when married Aston drove girls aged 13 to 15 to woods near Bicester, Oxon, after contacting one online in 2006.
He had oral sex with the 15-year-old both times before two, then three girls kicked him. He drove them home in his Honda Civic, paying two girls £10 and one a bottle of whisky, Oxford Crown Court heard. Cops investigated when he complained one was pestering HIM for sex.

Well, for those of you worried that this sick bastard was still roaming the streets of Canada begging women to kick him in the testicles, worry no more! Aston has been sentenced to prison for four years, where he can get the shit kicked out his nuts on a daily basis without leaving his cell or giving up a bottle of whiskey.

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No Sir, Uh Uh, That Ain’t Right

tietoatree.jpgLet me ask you folks something. A fairly innocuous question. Maybe you don’t know the answer, but maybe you do. Here it is:


A couple accused of killing their 13-year-old son by tying him to a tree for two nights for punishment appeared in a North Carolina courtroom Monday to face charges of murder and felony child abuse.
Attorneys appeared Monday with Brice Brian McMillan, 41, and his wife Sandra Elizabeth McMillan, 36, of Macclesfield.
The county sheriff’s office has said Brice McMillan told a deputy the teen was being disobedient and was forced to sleep outside last Tuesday while tied to a tree. The teen was released Wednesday morning, but again tied up that night for bad behavior.
Sheriff James Knight has said the boy was left tied to the tree until the following afternoon, when his stepmother found him unresponsive. Authorities believe the boy was bound to the tree with plastic ties and possibly other kinds of material.
Arrest warrants for both McMillans said the child sustained “bruising to the wrist, cuts to entire body, missing flesh from buttocks, results from being tied to a tree for approximately 18 hours resulting in death.” (Source)

Your kid misbehaves, you give him a time-out. You take away his video games. You ground him for a week. Hell, if you’re old school, give him a spanking — make him pick out the switch you use on his ass.

But you don’t tie him to a goddamn tree, you sick twisted fucks. 18 hours? To a tree? Did you think to check up on him? See if he needed dinner? See if his ass had all its flesh?

This folks is why we have the death penalty and that bitch up there in that picture deserves the guillotine.

And then there is Part II in today’s WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE series: A man who beat an infant to death in the middle of the street. He got to meet the business end of a police officer’s bullet; unfortunately, the infant didn’t survive:

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The Daily Memo - 6/17/08

check.jpgDespite some valid points by the author, I still think Chuck Hagel as Obama’s VP nominee is a pretty solid option. (Salon)

check.jpgWhen we quote from the AP, we are apparently copyright-infringing scum of the earth. (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgFor $2.5 million, I think I’d feel the spirit in me too. (Above the Law)

check.jpgIf you make over $200K, why should you have to pay taxes? (ABC News)

check.jpgA judge has taken $10 million away from Leona Helmsley’s dog. What a gip! (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgI wish I knew how to quit you. (43(B)log)

Reviving our faith in the legal system one wonderful case at a time…

dry-cleaning2.jpgCracked.com has posted an article listing the “nine inane cases” it thinks prove that “the US legal system is screwed.” They include some obvious choices, like our favorite asshat DC lawyer who sued his dry cleaners for $67 million over a lost pair of pants. But they also tell of at least one case I hadn’t heard of — the tale of a Dartmouth professor, Priya Venkatesan, who sued students in her class because they complained about her teaching abilities and argued with her during lectures on expository argument. Awesome.

(Hat tip to reader Jen who, of the above link, said: “I laughed, cried and drank every drop of vodka in sight.” …A girl who drinks all the vodka she can find is a girl after my own heart.)

That better have been one helluva joke

laughter.jpgChristopher Cocker was chilling out in his flat (he’s British, you see) watching the telly, when he heard a joke that tickled his fancy. He found it so funny, in fact, that he fell off his sofa in hysterics. Next thing he knows, the cops are knocking at his door because, unbeknownst to him, his downstairs neighbors called the cops after hearing a loud thud.

Cocker tells the cops, “s’just me here, and I’m all fine, so carry on,” but the cops want to know his name. For whatever reason, Cockersdecides not to give them his personal info, and the cops say he started getting aggressive. So they sprayed him with some British version of pepper spray (parva spray), tossed him into a cop van, hauled him to jail, stripped him, and threw his pasty ass into a cell.

He recently showed up in court and pleaded guilty to resisting a police officer. If he behaves, he’ll get along without any further time in jail.

And god damn it, Daily Mail, how can you report this story and not ask Cocker what was said on the show he was watching that was so arrestingly funny? Talk about shoddy fucking reporting.

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Call me?

old-timey-phone.jpgKristina Caban just earned herself a 5 year stint in the Big House for daring to get angry over a one night stand. Back in 2004, she and Samir “Sammy” Sara had themselves a little fling. One night, much love, no regrets. But then Sammy never called Caban again. She let her resentment linger and, two years later, hatched a plan with her new boyfriend, Robert Testagrossa. The pair lured Sammy to a hotel room, where Robert and another dude grabbed Sammy and used a Taser to freeze him.

Caban laughed at Sammy and kicked him and then used a metal wire shaped into an “R” to brand him.

Caban and Testagrossa both agreed to 5-year pleas, and were officially sentenced on Friday, with the judge saying that the branding was “not remotely justifiable.” Her lawyer, meanwhile, says that the picture painted by this story doesn’t really describe her: “She is not the monster the prosecution made her out to be.”

Nah, she’s just a bitter woman who held onto her resentment for two years and decided to brand a dude who didn’t call her. No monster there. She’s a fucking peach.

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Can We Just Skip the Election and Give This Man a Lifetime Term?

First, this speech is absolutely amazing — Barack Obama talks about religion reasonably, honestly, and candidly, consequences be damned. Second, I don’t know when this speech was delivered, but it does have a little something in common with this awesome rant delivered by President Bartlett a few years back on “The West Wing.”

Also: Barack — Can I be your Baby Momma?

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School Systems Have To Step in To Prevent These Travesties

061308_csore5NewWMV_4_3646-t240.jpgWhat kind of sick, twisted fourth grader shares her lip cream? Appalling!

An Oregon City fourth grader missed her last day of school Friday because she shared a lip cream with two classmates. Madison McFadden attends Redland elementary. She said she didn’t know she was breaking school rules.
Madison says it all began the day before school got out when students were cleaning out their desks.She found a medicated, over the counter, lip cream called “abreva” in her desk. It’s a cold sore medication and can numb up an area. A classmate asked her what it was and wanted Madison to share. She did and the classmate put some on her lips then passed it to a friend. Madison says a short time later the two classmates didn’t feel well and told the teacher.
When the teacher investigated, Madison and the classmates ended up in the principal’s office. All three were suspended and missed the last day of class.
District Superintendent Roger Rada defends the move. “We’re there to protect the kids,” said Rada.

I, for one, appreciate Mr. Rada looking out for the children. Children come first, and we certainly can’t have a bunched of spoiled rotten pre-adolescents sharing their VD-infested lip cream with other students. You know, you can get AIDS that way. I saw it on the Internet. This is a real public menace; I’m only disappointed that this charlatan didn’t get a more severe punishment. A one-day suspension? That’s like tipping a waitress who spits in your food 15 percent instead of 20 percent. This little girl should’ve been suspended for the rest of her fifth grade year and imprisoned, right along with her parents — who are probably already in jail, if their parenting skills are any indication.

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When FOX Anchors Throw Down

Link: sevenload.com

We don’t often agree with Geraldo Rivera, but sometimes, the man knows what he’s talking about — and in this case, we applaud him for basically pwning a colleague at FOX.

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The Daily Memo - 6/16/08

check.jpg“American Idol” is being sued because it apparently doesn’t make enough money to pay the live musicians their rebroadcast royalties. (LAist)

check.jpgNintendo no likey Nyko’s ninja nunchucks. (Engadget)

check.jpgSays the Scalia: The Court’s recent habeas decision “will almost certainly cause more Americans to be killed.” Nice to know fear-mongering in the name of anti-terrorism isn’t limited to the Executive Branch. (Think Progress)

check.jpgNo matter how you cut it, e-discovery e-sucks just as much as the old fashioned discovery. (Law.com)

check.jpgHey, the Scottish are just like us — yell “I have got a belt, not a bomb” while going through airport security, and ye’ll go t’court and get a fine, ye will. (BBC News)

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Keith Olbermann to McCain: “You want context? Here’s your context!”

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Next up on Pron Monday…

judge-koz.jpgSo you’ve heard about the well respected federal appeals judge (one step below our mighty Supremes) who was presiding over a porn trial and, lo, he turns out to be a porny judge himself, right? It was all the legal news last week. Well porny McJudgy has now declared a mistrial of that porn case he was presiding over. But that’s not really a surprise (even though I’m not sure that merely because he likes porn suggests he can’t be impartial in presiding over a porn trial).

What’s more interesting is this — the lawyer who started this whole business, by finding Judge Kozinski’s porny pictures and tipping off the LA Times, has a weeeee bit of a grudge against the porny Koz, having brought disciplinary charges against him after the Koz wrote an article dissing him for an article he wrote dissing the Koz because the Koz had recused himself from the lawyer’s divorce case. Got it? Overlawyered explains it a little more, with a hunk-a quote from Kozinski’s 2005 article, which slams the lawyer, Cyrun Sanai, for having previously been held in contempt and sanctioned, and for bringing a frivolous lawsuit.

Good times all around.

(And man alive, with all the references to “porn,” this post could get the highest Goggle ranking in our several years of blogging. Porny porn.)

I’m high-fiving my lawyer, and I’m walking out the court a free man, and I’m getting my camera, and I’m finding another thirteen-year-old girl…

trapped-in-the-closet.jpgJesus Christ. They had R. Kelly (allegedly) on camera doing nasty things with his thirteen-year-old god daughter. He was facing 14 counts in a child porn case that took six years to go to trial and now he’s a free man. Certain quarters will be very happy with this, while others will see it as yet another very public failure of our judicial system.

Normally, I’d be in the second camp. However, I’m going to look at the sole silver lining on this urine-stained cloud, which is that a free R. Kelly means more “Trapped in the Closet.” The first twelve chapters of his ridiculous hip-hopera make one of the funniest hours ever put to film. The follow-up Chapters 13-22 were a bit of a let down, but maybe this verdict will give him his mojo back and get us some more of the good stuff.

…You know what? Fuck it — I’m pissed off about this anyway. I didn’t follow the trial closely, but from what I’ve read, it doesn’t sound like the prosecution particularly blew it. Rather, the biggest problem was that the girl and her family all testified that it wasn’t her on the tape and, taken with Kelly’s claims that “it ain’t me on the tape neither,” any prosecutor faces an uphill battle. Cynics might think Kelly bought the family off. Others might say it wasn’t actually her on the tape. I don’t know, but I’ve sure got my opinion. And my opinion says a sick bastard just got skated free. Happy Monday!

Free Simonizing!

God bless you Jon Stewart.

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Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!

train-mugshot.jpgMany of y’all might be too young to remember “Candid Camera,” and that makes me feel sad. And old.

The image shows the thief moments after he had stolen a £200 silver necklace and bracelet from a 16-year-old boy.
Rather than escape, he decided to try on the jewellery, apparently unaware - or unconcerned - that he was being filmed by the camera he was gazing into.
The resulting image shows his face clearly.
Today, detectives appealed for anyone who can identify the mugger to come forward. (Source)

…Of course, this isn’t “Candid Camera” so much as “Don’t pose in front of an obvious camera with stolen goods in your hands, you fucking numb nuts.”

Speaking of which — numb nuts you say?

Tim Russert, 1950 - 2008, Dead of a Heart Attack


Man alive, I dug the hell out of that guy.

Rest in peace, brother.

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Should We Be Concerned?

After the Supreme Court delivered its decision, yesterday, ruling that terror suspects in Guantánamo Bay have a right to appeal their detention to a civilian court, both John McCain and George Bush delivered what I thought were disconcerting statements. Both the Republican nominee for President and the current President suggested that the dissents were the right decision. And while Bush said that he’d nevertheless abide by the ruling (wink, wink, heh heh), John McCain’s statement, “I think we should pay attention to John Robert’s” dissenting opinion, was kind of scary. It’s if he’s saying: Fuck the majority — if I’m elected President, I shall pick and choose whichever opinion I like the best, regardless of whether or not it’s a majority opinion.

Plus, I’m sure it’s happened frequently, but I certainly don’t recall a sitting President coming out and slamming the Supreme Court, especially one that gave him the Presidency in 2000. That Bush is not much on gratitude, is he?

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Webster’s Dictionary Correction

billohumanity.jpgDear Readers:

Recently, it has come to our attention that a certain word in the Webster’s Dictionary is incorrectly defined. Through oversight or simple mistake, Webster’s defines “humanity” as the “quality or state of being humane”; or “human attributes or qualities.” In fact, the modern definition of “humane” is “bodily waste discharged through the anus;” or “excrement.” We sincerely apologize for the error and regret any inconvenience or confusion it may have caused.


The Webster’s Team

(Crossposted from Webster’s is my Bitch)

The Daily Memo - 6/13/08

check.jpgWell that was quick — the AT&T/Starbucks/T-Mobile lawsuit is settled and done. (Gizmodo)

check.jpgPorny Judge Kozinski is calling for an investigation by the Judicial Council of the Ninth Circuit of himself. (Above the Law)

check.jpgMan, we were so close to some Presidential puke right there, like father, like son. (Legal Antics)

check.jpgA New York Supreme Court judge has ordered the state legislature to give all state judges a pay raise, thank you kindly. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgObama’s campaign and Hillary lawyers, sitting in a tree? (Law.com)

Baby Mama Defined

babymama.jpgBaby Mama (Noun) A woman who has a child out of wedlock with a man. She may or may not be in a relationship with the man, but most of the time, she is not.

Check your dictionary FOX News and Michelle Malkin before you start calling people names. I believe what you meant was:

Nag Noose (Noun) “An emotional and/or psychological suffocation brought on by the constant nagging of someone close to you.”

Used in a sentence: You know Barack didn’t stop smoking to run for Prez; that nag noose has been all over him for years.

The Proclaimers Would Appreciate This Man

shoemaker.jpgYou gotta give some props to Stephen Shoemaker; while half the stories we write about DUI court appearances involve either showing up to court drunk or not showing up at all, this man shows that a little effort and a lot of dehydration will be looked upon favorably by a judge:

A Pennsylvania man says he had one alternative when his brother didn’t show up to give him a ride to court: start walking. Stephen Shoemaker of Shippensburg was scheduled to appear at 9:30 a.m. Tuesday for sentencing on a 2007 drunken-driving conviction.
Shoemaker, 33, doesn’t have a car or driver’s license. So he started walking to the Cumberland County Courthouse in Carlisle at dawn. He kept walking for about 25 miles in 90-plus-degree heat.
Shoemaker arrived about 3:30 p.m., after a detour to Carlisle Regional Medical Center where he was treated for dehydration. Judge Edward Guido had issued an arrest warrant when Shoemaker failed to appear. Instead he agreed to defer sentencing until July. Guido says he hesitated only because “That means he’ll have to walk back to Shippensburg.”

Ups to you, Shoemaker. You’re a fuck-up, but you’re a fuck-up that respects the judicial system.

Back in my day, we didn’t stand for bitches stealing money. Still don’t!

abe-simpson.jpgErin VanMatre was hard up for money, apparently, and thought it would be a good idea to rob a helpless old man. Seventy-one-year-old Harry Kopenis (hee … penis) walked down to his bank to get some cash from the ATM. Suddenly, Erin came running out of nowhere, knocked him over, and took off with the hundred bucks he had just taken out. But Kopenis’ old-man buddy Kevin Lamb was nearby, and saw this go down. He fired up his motorized wheelchair and took after her. Kopenis, meanwhile, caught up with Erin and threw her in a headlock. Lamb caught up, and the two wrestled her to the ground! Fucking. A.

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Don’t be cruel…

elvis.jpgThose Swedish authorities just have no sense of fun. The tax authorities over there have told a Stockholm couple that they can’t name their daughter what they want. Because, apparently, the Swedes frown upon girls named Elvis.

“We talked about lots of names and then Elvis popped up. We thought it was a name that was both pretty and gender-neutral. We’re not Elvis Presley fans at all,” the infant’s mother, Linda, told the newspaper.
The most important factor for the couple, who do not own any of The King’s records, was for the name to be “gender-neutral”.

Now I can totally get behind naming your kid Elvis. Even if the kid is a “she.” But arguing that “Elvis” isn’t gender-neutral? Not sure I buy that one. Neither did the National Tax Board:

It is the National Tax Board’s view that Elvis is a first name of a masculine type and as such may, in light of standard practice, be considered clearly inappropriate as a first name for a woman.

The kicker of this story, meanwhile, is that another Swedish family eventually won a fight to name their daughter Metallica. Here’s hoping that one day we live in a world where little Metallica’s and Elvis’s can grow up to be the best of friends.

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Freudian Gaffe, Or Is This Man a Beer Terrorist?

Oh, John: You can take away my privacy, you can take away women’s access to abortions, and you can even take away our government benefits.

But you can’t take away my Pabst Blue Ribbon, buddy.

Step back, asshole.

Diane Court Would Not Approve

Like every woman in America, I’ve had a crush on John Cusack for the last two decades, only I’m not a woman, and it’s more of an envy thing. Unfortunately, he’s starting to get on my nerves lately — I’ve learned some not so nice things about him personally, and the more he gets involved with politics, the more he starts to grate. And on the anti-Iraq war movie front, Grace is Gone was fantastic, but War, Inc. was pretty embarrassing.

At any rate, the man has decided, to my chagrin, to jump head first into politics, which pretty much puts him on the same level as Tim Robbins and Sean Penn. I don’t know why, but good actors who use their celebrity to endorse or attack candidates suddenly become completely insufferable to me. I’ll still see their movies, of course, but an ability to act makes them no less annoying. I say, either put your money where your pompous mouth is and run for office, or shut the fuck up, and I don’t care who you’re supporting.

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…And the Award for Grand Poobah of Stupidity Goes To…

a-trophy.gif…Fandi Pradipta, who basically held out his arms and asked the cops to cuff him.

Police say a Dover, New Hampshire, teen suspected of using a stolen credit card at a store left a pretty good clue to his identity by filling out a job application at the same store.
Fandi Pradipta, 18, pleaded guilty Tuesday to using a stolen card at a store in the Fox Run Mall in Newington.
Police said Pradipta made the investigation easier because he had been at the home of the card owner the day before it was reported stolen, then after using the card, he filled out a complete job application — name, address, telephone number.

Congratulations, Fandi. And as you’re reward, you receive a fine, a suspended sentence, and national public disgrace.

The Daily Memo - 6/12/08

check.jpgRenowned 9th Circuit appellate judge overseeing a porn video trial … busted for posting online porn. Hells yeah! You best believe this news was all around our office today quicker than a story about a summer associate/associate hook-up. (Above the Law)

check.jpg…And that trial has been suspended. Nice — our judicial system is going to get more mad props than usual. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgWhat the fuck? If I’m stuck on an Australian jury, you’re telling me I can’t play sudoku? That’s some shit, right there. (Law.com)

check.jpgIt’s only the special law firm that asks you to pitch a tent. And even rarer, the law firm with the talent to actually make you pitch a tent (save the e-mails, ladies, I know I’m a pig). (Above the Law)

check.jpgOn Monday, the Supremes decided that reliance isn’t a necessary part of a RICO claim … and Tony Soprano hopes that he’s able to keep hiding out in that black, post-Journey silence. (SCOTUSblog

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Well everyone knows you can’t trust a guy with a beard

zz-top.jpgHouston’s City Council is embroiled in a legal battle of epic proportions — trying to keep up its ban on uniformed policemen having beards. There’s a pending civil rights lawsuit by police officers who say that this ban is discriminatory again men who can’t shave for medical or religious reasons (“Pseudofolliculitis barbae is a dermatological condition common among men with thick and curly facial hair. Shaving can cause irritating rashes, ingrown hairs, bleeding and scarring.”). But City Council isn’t going down without a fight, as it’s authorized spending up to $150,000 to defend against the lawsuit.

This beard-ban has been around for 15 years and helps ensure, according to the city, that police officers look conservative, professional and proud of their appearance. Says the Mayor: “It meets the expectation of the public of what a law enforcement officer or member of the military, for that matter, ought to look like.”

Word. I’m sick of all the fucking hippies too!

Now why on Earth would this judge be biased?

judge.jpgFrom the UK’s Press Association:

US gangster Vincent Basciano says he cannot get a fair hearing at his forthcoming trial because he has been accused of plotting to kill the judge.
Lawyers for the New York mafia boss want Brooklyn federal Judge Nicholas Garaufis removed from the case.
“There is a serious question whether Garaufis has personal animosity towards a person who has allegedly sought to kill him,” one said.

How’s a dude ever supposed to get laid?

beer.jpgBack in 2003, a British man was sentenced to four years in the clink for raping a woman. Now a free man again, the Brit has admitted to breaking into another woman’s bedroom and stealing her underwear, which he said was “a trophy” he was going to use for sexual gratification. The woman was asleep in her bedroom when Andrew Allan snuck in, woke her up, stole a purse and four pairs of undies, and then took off.

And now he’s been hit with a unique punishment in his Sexual Offences Prevention Order — he has been banned from drinking in public and, worse yet, from ever “approaching any females who are not known to him whilst under the influence of alcohol and using sexualised and/or threatening behaviour towards them.”

And frat boys across the country just shivered.

Cranky Geezer Has Problem with Words

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South Carolina Knows How to Celebrate!


Authorities say seven people attending high school graduations in Rock Hill, South Carolina, are facing charges after police say they cheered while students’ names were being called.
Authorities say six people at Fort Mill High School’s graduation were charged Saturday and a seventh at the graduation for York Comprehensive High School was charged Friday with disorderly conduct.
Police say those arrested yelled after students’ names were called while diplomas were handed out.
A police spokesman says school officials request police patrols to prevent graduation disruptions that include standing, hollering and clapping.

I know you’re probably as shocked as I am by this turn of events. It’s outrageous! The audacity. The brazenness. I simply cannot believe that those assholes would actually clap and holler during a graduation! The nerve!

Put those sons of bitches away. For life.

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Ice Cream Headache!

brainfreeze.jpgWell, I don’t know if it’s as bad as suing McDonald’s for millions after burning yourself with their coffee, but don’t be surprised if a lawsuit against Sonic comes out of this:

Salina police say a 66-year-old man whose car crashed into a house blames “brain freeze” from a cold drink for the mishap. Robert Schulz told police that the sudden, sharp pain in his head while driving Tuesday afternoon was followed by a “chest freeze.” Schulz said he had just purchased the flavored, frozen drink from a Sonic restaurant and was drinking it while driving at 3:45 p.m.
But he was hit by the painful sensation that often comes after a big swallow of cold liquid. Schulz said his car then went out of control, left the street and slammed into the front steps of a house.

It looks like, from now on — if we’re going to survive the lawsuits — America is going to have to settle for tepid, lukewarm drinks.

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The Daily Memo - 6/11/08

check.jpgThe Bush Administration apparently took Lady Justice behind the dumpster and got her pregnant. (Above the Law)

check.jpgHee — endowments. I got some big endowments for you. …I’m so juvenile, sometimes, I disgust myself. (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgWhat happens when out-of-state gay couples get married in California and then later want to get divorced? See people — totally ruining the institute of marriage! (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgMan, it would’ve been so awesome if the Blue Man Group actually showed up in the court house. (Law.com)

check.jpgBarack is putting together a team to fight the impending internet smear campaign. (The Guardian)

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Zombies beware!

zombies.jpgTwo Australian men dug the flick I Am Legend so much that they decided to recreate it. So they took a bunch of fake weapons and climbed up onto the roof of a newspaper building:

They were taking turns posing in “sniper position” with replica military-style weapons while the other held a video camera. Occasionally they stopped to rerun the tape of their performances.
One of yesterday’s “legends” was dressed in imitation combat fatigues and had a fake pistol in a holster on his hip.
They carried another half-dozen imitation firearms, police said.
Nearby residents and Age security guards called police, unaware that the weapons were only replicas.
When the two men tried to ride away on their bicycles they were arrested.

You know what, people? You’re lucky — at least these guys didn’t try to emulate the end of the movie by shitting all over the place.

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Must the government always get in the way of good parenting?

ebay2.jpgThere are times when I think it’s ok for the government to get mixed into our personal affairs. If parents are beating their kids, not feeding them, etc., sure — child services needs to step in and do something. But sometimes, it’s best just to let parents be parents. In Germany, however, the stupid authorities just don’t get this, which is why a 7-month-old boy has been taken away from his parents and placed into the care of youth services. All because his parents posted an eBay ad offering to sell the boy for $1.60.

Of course, one wonders whether the German authorities are really pissed about the parents’ attempt to sell the kid (although the parents claim it was a joke) or the fact that they think the German youth was being undervalued.

Lessons in Courtroom Attire

Let’s say you are a criminal defendant who is coming into court for the first day of your murder trial.

It’s an excellent idea to stroll in with a suit and tie on.

It’s a terrible idea to also have shit smeared all over yourself. (This is good fashion advice outside of a courtroom too, in fact.)

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I want my babybackbabybackbabyback, I want my babybackbabybackbabyback…

chilis.jpgAnne Paskett has filed a lawsuit because she says she was duped by the allegedly low-fat offerings at Chili’s and Macaroni Grill. She’s been on Weight Watchers for three years and wound up eating more calories than she thought at Chili’s because their menu undercut the actual fat and caloric values of their low-fat meals.

“I would go in and weigh in and the scale, and the lady behind the counter would say ‘you’re up 2 1/2 pounds,’” she said. “And I would say, ‘but how could I be? I’ve been eating according to my plan.’”

If they are, in fact, putting false numbers on their menu, that’s totally false advertising and they deserve to be sued for that. I have no problem with this. But seems to me, regardless of fat and calories, Chili’s and Macaroni Grill probably aren’t the best places to eat when you’re dieting anyways, you know? That’s what In-n-Out is for, man!

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Guns Don’t Kill People, Hole Punches Do

06_Single_Hole_Punch.jpgCan’t afford a gun or a knife? Stop by Staples before your next robbery attempt:

Two robbers beat an 18-year-old with a three-hole paper puncher after breaking into his home Saturday night in the 400 block of Northeast 15th Court, police said. The teen, whose name was not released, told police he answered a knock at his door and two robbers wearing masks and carrying a black gun forced their way inside shortly before 11:45 p.m.
The robbers punched, kicked and struck him with the hole puncher while demanding money, he told police. The assailants took cash from his wallet and left in an unknown direction.

Well, at least they didn’t punch holes in him.

And oh yeah: Florida.

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“Top of the world, ma!”

Hey, you’re already getting your mugshot taken and there ain’t shit you can do about it, so you might as well at least make a good time of it.


(This mugshot was part of The Smoking Gun’s Mugsapalooza LIII, celebrating the site’s first anniversary of running weekly mugshot collections. Keep up the excellent work, good sirs.)

The Daily Memo - 6/10/08

check.jpgDamn it! I love the Scalia, and now I learn that he may be a Sex and the City fan? Phoo-ey. (Above the Law)

check.jpgThe Bratz case is heating up … the lawyers are fighting over the hotels they’re staying in. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgArt + case law = cases on a plate. (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgSo far the Supremes have had a pretty harmonious term. (FindLaw)

check.jpgSpeaking of the Nine in Black, they threw down a pretty big patent decision yesterday (and in honor of the “they’re so harmonious” article, it was even unanimous). (Patently-O)

check.jpgAnd here’s an interview trying to make a bit more sense of that patent decision. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgA convicted Canadian drug dealer has gotten clemency and will get out of prison sooner than he’s supposed to because he’s too fat for the jail. (Newswatch50)

Breaking! Crazy Alien Troll Stumbles into the House of Representatives, Brings Articles of Impeachment Against Bush

The House really ought to hire some security; try to keep the riff-raff to a minimum.

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“I’m Troy McClure, and now it’s time for what we all came here to see — hardcore nudity!”

troy-mcclure.jpgA federal trial here in Los Angeles is getting ready to start up, and the jury is going to be in for quite a treat — hours of hardcore fetish porn.

At issue is how a jury will define obscenity in a region that boasts its status as the capital of the pornography industry and at a time when technology has made the taboo adult flicks of a generation ago available to a mainstream audience.
Hollywood filmmaker Ira Isaacs says the videos he sells are works of art, protected under the Constitution. Federal prosecutors contend they are criminally obscene.
The prosecution is the first in Southern California by a U.S. Department of Justice task force formed in 2005 after Christian conservative groups appealed to the Bush administration to crack down on smut.
For jurors to determine whether Isaacs’ work is obscene, they will view hours of hard-core pornography so degrading that in one film, an actress cries throughout, prosecutors said in court papers.
But if jurors find that any of the four videos at issue in the case have any “literary, scientific or artistic value,” the work is not legally obscene, according to a 1973 Supreme Court ruling.

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A Terrorist Fist Jab? FOX News Sinks to New Level of Absurdity

Ha ha ha ha ha!



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The frozen tundra…

john-facenda.jpgJohn Facenda, a Philly radio and TV guy, used to be known as the “Voice of God” thanks to a long career as the voice of NFL Films (a position which was admirably taken up, and still held, by the splendiferous Harry Kalas). Anyway, there’s an ongoing legal battle between his estate and NFL Films, with Facenda’s estate claiming that Facenda’s voice was used in “The Making of Madden,” a show put together as a promotion of the Madden video game, without permission.

A federal judge granted summary judgment in the estate’s favor, and NFL Films’ appealed to the Third Circuit. They just heard argument on the case last Friday and the court was especially “hot,” with questions flying from the moment the NFL lawyer opened his mouth. And it seems likely that the Third is going to send this case back down so that it can be argued before a jury.

All of which is interesting enough. But this is really just an excuse to post a classic example of the Voice of God in action (the only bad thing that can be said about this clip, in fact, is that it shows the Raiders):

Take That, You Samamabitch!

Occasionally, Bill O’Reilly will send out a reporter to badger another news personality, and the result usually entails the ambushed news reporter dodging questions and fleeing, which O’Reilly then uses to bolster whatever dumbass opinion he has of the news personality.

But I think Bill-O may have learned a valuable lesson this time: Don’t fuck with Bill Moyers. Because, even with O’Reilly nowhere to be seen, Moyers manages to humiliate and own him. It’s a long video, but it’s enlightening, if only to see a real goddamn journalist at work.

Suck it, Bill-O.

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Who the Hell Commissions These Studies?

derogatory-names.jpgMan alive! Statisticians must have a lot of free time on their hands to conduct a study like this. Strategic Name Development, a useless outfit out of Minnesota, decided to conduct a study to see how a person’s presidential candidate preference correlated with how they named their dog. And the results are not only completely uninteresting, but pointless as well.

But, in case you’re wondering, people who give their pets derogatory names like Fuzzbutt, Killer, Weasel, and Lucifer, and more inclined to vote for McCain and Hillary. Similarly, people who give their pets eponymous names (they name them after famous people) are also more likely to vote for McCain and Hillary. Meanwhile, people who coin their own names — like D’og, Jinxie, or Kitty Dawg (?) are more likely to vote for Obama.

Hmmm … one wonders, however, who a person would vote for if they eponymously and derogatorily named their dog John McCain? But more importantly who gives a shit?

One More Reason Not to Vote for John McCain

1975_abba_w_swedish_flag.jpgNow that Hillary has dropped out and endorsed Obama (great speech, by the by), we can turn our attention to John McCain: war hero, septuagenarian, cranky old man and … ABBA fan. And proud of it, damnit.

That’s what we’re learning today at the candidate’s new campaign blog, The McCain Report.
Of course, the Abba anthem displayed there, Take a Chance on Me, provides the perfect soundtrack for the headline on the blog: “Take a Chance on McCain.” (This the song that the McCain camp played at rallies in South Carolina and Florida as he was closing in on the GOP nomination.)
And this blog-entry is directed at a very specific audience on this day that Hillary Clinton finally bows to Barack Obama, the Democrats’ candidate : “Attention disaffected Hillary supporters, John McCain is a huge ABBA fan. Seriously.”

I implore you folks not to vote for McCain. Not just because he wants to keep the troops in Iraq for another 100 years, and not just, by his own admission, because he doesn’t know much about the economy, but because this country can not deal with four years of an ABBA loving war hawk.

There’s no justification. It’s just plain un-American, damnit.

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The Daily Memo - 6/9/08

check.jpgThe family of the autistic kindergartener who was voted out of class has officially put the school district on notice of its intent to file a lawsuit, giving the district six months to try to fix things. (TC Palm)

check.jpgT-Mobile is suing Starbucks over its transition to AT&T for in-store wireless service. (Engadget)

check.jpgThe removal of that asshat NY judge who sent 46 people to jail because of a ringing cellphone has been upheld by NY’s high court. (Law.com)

check.jpgAre teenagers “perfect and pure, or dangerous, unguided missiles?” (Slate)

check.jpgThe White House is actually unhappy about Scott McClellan’s book because, among other things, McClellan spent a whole chapter detailing his “lurid fantasies about Laura Bush.” (The Onion)

check.jpgA new liberal think tank has opened up in D.C. to take up Constitutional fights. (Law.com)

check.jpgSo it’s a bad idea to call my teenage pot dealer and leave a message on his voicemail, threatening to come to his school with a gun and a bat? (WCBSTV)

check.jpgNote to self — if I ever start carrying a purse, and I ever start keeping bricks of heroin in that purse, I should probably keep it closed when my car gets pulled over. (WPXI)

Well why should the government behave like the rest of us?

calculating.jpgIf I ever got audited by the IRS (*finds biggest fucking piece of wood in the forest and knocks on it hard as a motherfucker*), I don’t imagine the agency would be too pleased if it determined I was being “creative” with my accounting. I don’t know, but I’m guessing that they prefer that standard accounting rules be used. And yet, seems that our own federal government isn’t necessarily so keen on those standard practices. At least, that’s what one takes away from this story about the fact that the government keeps two sets of books.

One set of books, for example, shows a deficit of $318 billion in 2005. That’s the number the Feds like to tout. But the other set of books, which the government apparently doesn’t talk about, is audited and uses standard accounting rules — it shows the 2005 deficit to be either $760 billion or $3.5 trillion. Either one of which is just a bit larger than the Fed’s “little” $318 billion number.

Some Congress members want the government to start using the audited numbers, and while the House supported such a proposal, the Senate decided not to bother considering the matter. Feeling better about the state of the economy yet, when Congress can’t even decide on using standard accounting for figuring out its own budget? Yeah, me neither. Me fucking neither.

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Opening up the QuizLaw Mailbag and finding greasy Dutch ham…

mailbag.jpgReader Caitlin P. said that we had to do this story and, well, she ain’t wrong. I had read stories about folks stealing gas in the face of increasing gas prices, like this story about gas thieves targeting truckers. Makes sense, and isn’t terribly surprising. A little more surprising, however, is that folks are also hitting restaurants and stealing kitchen grease and cooking oil. One dude snagged 300 gallons of grease out of a Northern California Burger King (and had 2,500 gallons of the shit in his truck!). Yellow grease, what they call fryer oil, traids for about $2.50 a gallon on the commodities market. Mmmmm … greasy commodities.

Meanwhile, Harlan, from over at Supreme Dicta, said he didn’t have time to blog about this story, and that’s just un-American. Because how do you not find the time to at least mention a story about a Dutch man accidentally cutting his ass when he pressed it against a restaurant window? Seems he pressed ham a little too fiercely, breaking the window and lacerating his ass. Reader Annelise happened to send the story along too, and her link offers a little more info:

…[A]t one point the 21-year-old “pushed his behind against the window of a restaurant” that broke and resulted in “deep wounds to his derriere.”
The statement released Tuesday says police detained the three men after the incident Sunday morning. But the cafe owner decided not to press charges after the men agreed to pay for the broken window.

There’s a joke in here about pressing charges for pressing ham, but I’m not stooping to that level.

Oh, and thanks for the kind words Bill W. — if your kids ever do read your comments here and try to have you committed, here’s hoping your new institutional home has a net connection so you can keep on commenting!

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Texas Justice may leave you red and sore-bottomed

paddle.jpgA Justice of the Peace in Southern Texas has been sued just because he tried to get a little creative — Justice Gustavo Garza has been offering parents the option of paddling their out-of-control kids. When Daniel Zurita was before Justice Garza over issues involving his 15-year-old daughter skipping school, Justice Garza offered Zurita a decision: pay a $500 fine, or give your daughter a paddlin’. Zurita begrudgingly paddled his daughter in open-court, and he, his wife and daughter are now suing Garza over this paddlin’ policy:

“It is lawful,” said Garza, who said he has practiced law for 26 years, including work as a prosecutor in Willacy and Cameron counties. Garza stressed that he never ordered a parent to paddle a child, he simply offered it as an option in place of a fine and a misdemeanor mark on their records.
Mark Sossi, who is representing Josie Vasquez and her parents Mary Vasquez and Zurita, said it is not much of an option.
“It’s not really a choice when your choice is buying groceries or spanking your child,” Sossi said. And doing it in open court in front of other parents and juveniles caused “humiliation, fear and mental anguish,” according to the lawsuit.
The lawsuit alleges that Garza told Zurita he did not hit his stepdaughter hard enough. Garza said he did not recall the specific case with Vasquez, but did say some parents paddle with more gusto than others.

Maybe this guy will get cancer and die a horribly painful death too…

jigsaw.jpgJesus, this is like right out one of the Saw movies. Robert A. Williams, a NYC man with a long history of trouble, is currently on trial facing 71 criminal counts, including rape, attempted murder, arson and assault:

Over many torturous hours, [a 23-year-old-woman] had been repeatedly raped, sodomized and forced to perform oral sex, a prosecutor told a jury on Thursday. The accused, Robert A. Williams, 31, had doused the woman’s face and body with boiling water and bleach, forced her to swallow handfuls of pills and to chase them with beer, sealed her mouth with glue, and bound her wrists and legs with shoelaces, cords and duct tape, said the prosecutor, Ann P. Prunty. And now, Ms. Prunty said, he was asking the woman to gouge out her own eyes with a pair of scissors.
And so the woman, sitting on the floor of her studio apartment in Hamilton Heights and holding a pair of scissors between her knees — the blade pointing toward her face — tried to stop the suffering. She lowered her face to the blade, but turned her head at the last moment, trying to stab herself in the neck instead of her eyes.
The scissors slipped from her grasp, the suicide attempt failed, and the woman suffered several more hours of torture, Ms. Prunty said.
The woman survived the nearly 19-hour ordeal, which ended, Ms. Prunty said, when she used a fire started by Mr. Williams to burn the cords that secured her wrists to a futon.

Williams is obviously a sick mother fucker — he made her cut her hair so he could “see her face, her fear and humiliation” — but he’s been found mentally fit to stand trial. Here’s hoping he never sees daylight again.

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He’s balls deep and he’s yelling k’plah

I can’t even think of a stretch to argue that this video has anything to do with the law but, whatever man, Fridays are all about mindless diversions to get us into the weekend. And all my nerds in the house will appreciate Those Aren’t Muskets’ Star Trek TNG Rap because raunch and sci fi equals comedy, particularly if you were a TNG fan. The video itself is absolutely safe for work, but the audio not so much, so turn the volume down if need be:

The One Where I Suck It Up and Endorse Hillary for VP

abc_obama_clinton_070615_ms1.jpgFor the few (or many) of you who, a few days, weeks, or months ago, might have switched your long-held allegiances from Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama, you might have noticed a weird phenomena: All those things you used to say about the Clintons, in their defense, suddenly felt spectacularly stupid. Moreover (at least for me), it only took a few hours before I began to notice things about Bill and Hillary that I didn’t notice before. And since March, as those things mounted, I’d grown doubly angry — part of me was upset with some of her tactics, the way I thought her and Bill were destroying the party, and the other part was just disappointment — disappointment that I’d put so much into them, only to slowly realize who, in my mind, they actually were.

But in another way, now that the nomination process has come to an end, I’m also realizing that it wasn’t Bill and Hillary who were destroying the Democratic Party. It was Obama. The “change” that Obama is always referring to is not just his approach to policy, and it’s not just a nice slogan (though, it is that, too), it’s what he’s done to the Democratic Party. He’s brought in a new order, and it was the old order - Bill, Hillary, Lannie Davis, James Carville, Harold Ickes, and the rest of Bill’s entourage (or at least those that didn’t abandon them early on, realizing that a sea change was upon us) who were clinging to the old Democratic Party, the one populated largely by moderates, Southern Dems who were a hair’s breadth from being a from being a liberalish Republican. And the thing is, when you’ve had control over something for 20 years, I suspect that — like a decades long marriage that’s slowly unraveled — it’s awfully goddamn hard to let it go, even when all the signs are there.

The point I’m getting at is this: Late or not, Hillary Clinton — the last in the line of the old-school Democrats — has finally ceded control. But before she did so, she did a tremendous amount to galvanize this new order. But while she’s managed to rally racist Appalachia around her, she’s also brought millions of new people into the fold. And for that — and that alone — I do think she should be the vice-presidential nominee.

And I’m not just saying that as my small part in party unification; the truth is, the woman deserves it. Were it not for a hundred or so delegates, a small blunder here or there, or a lot of bad luck in Iowa, the New York Times headline the other day would have been “First Woman Presidential Nominee for a Major Party,” instead of the first “Black.”

And, in case you hadn’t noticed, the woman is fucking fierce — it’s something you hate when it’s her against your guy, but it is absolutely something I want when it’s her against the other guy. If it comes down to a handful of electoral votes in November, or if another 2000 Florida recount situation arises, Hillary won’t bend over like our man Gore and butter up her sphincter and let John McCain ram it in; she’ll pull out the strap-on and make the Republicans wish they’d never put a dog into this fight. She’s a brilliant woman, and she’s also dirty — and for all the shit the Dems have taken for the last eight years for being political wimps, it’d be nice to have the biggest set of balls on our side. And as uncouth as that sounds, she’s the one I want sharing the ticket. It not only gives the Dems the best chance to win in November, it gives the Dems the best chance, over the next four years, to actually push through some of that “change” Obama keeps trumpeting.

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Hey! Them’s Fightin’ Words!

061115_McFadden_vmed_8p.widec.jpgA Texas judge — faced with a decision as to where a deposition between a Texas-based plaintiff and an Arkansas defendant, Wal-Mart, should take place — is apparently trying to start a riot on the Arkansas/Texas border by dredging up some very painful memories:

On one hand, [Judge] Nowlin wrote in an order filed earlier this week, the judge was sympathetic with Wal-Mart’s argument that the deposition take place in Bentonville, Ark.
Wal-Mart’s representative, he wrote, “would feel great humiliation by being forced to enter the home state of the University of Texas, where the legendary Texas Longhorns have wrought havoc on the Arkansas Razorbacks with an impressive 55-21 all-time series record.”
On the other hand, Nowlin wrote, he understood why the plaintiffs, who want to take the deposition at law offices in San Antonio, would not want to go to Arkansas, where many residents “are still seeking retribution for the ‘Game of the Century’ in which James Street and Darrell Royal stunned the Razorbacks” and went on to win the 1969 national championship.

Hey now! Asshole. We’re talking about a wrongful death case here! Not everything is about football, you know!

Nah. I’m just messin’. Of course, everything is about football, especially if it concerns Texas and Arkansas. And let’s not forget, Judge Nowlin: We won the last bowl game, 2000’s Cotton Bowl, when we took your funny-named QB, Major Applewhite, out behind the woodshed and beat the livin’ tar out of him.

And also don’t forget: The Razorbacks have the edge in the basketball rivalry. And oh yeah: Two words: Darren McFadden.

Suck it, Texas.

Sure: Rip His Eyes Out, But Don’t Pee on the Kid!

eyeballs123.JPGA Georgia high school teacher, who happens to be the son of a state house representative, lost his cool juuuuust a wee bit, and said some things I don’t think he’s going to be able to take back.

Travis Corey Heckstall, 36, is charged with disorderly conduct and terroristic threats. Heckstall taught science at Mount Zion High School since August and resigned May 30, about a week after the alleged incident, said school system spokesman Charles White.
Police said Heckstall confronted a male student May 21 after the boy threatened and cursed the teacher and disrupted the class. During the alleged incident, which police said was videotaped by other students on cell phones, students said Heckstall suddenly “started acting crazy,” telling the class to “shut the (expletive deleted) up.”
Heckstall allegedly directed his anger toward the male juvenile student, telling him he would “rip his eyeballs out and (urinate) on the student, and kill your family,” according to the police report. Heckstall then spat on the floor and began to apologize, police said.

That’s always how I like to preface my apologies: By spitting on the floor.

Well, I just hope the kids weren’t tested on it later that week.

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The Daily Memo - 6/6/08

check.jpgWhat happens when the Man keeping a brotha down is black? (The Musings of a New Millennium Nigga)

check.jpg…Well, first things first, he’s gonna “have to do a better job winning over racist voters.” (KSK)

check.jpgThe former headwriter of “The Daily Show” has sued chef Mario Batali and Gweyneth Paltrow over a book about the culture and food of Spain. (TV Squad)

check.jpgFormer Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor and video games, sitting in a tree… (Techdirt)

check.jpgWhat’s the matter with a women’s-rights lawyer watching porn at his desk — clearly he’s supporting women’s right to take it long and hard. (Above the Law)

check.jpgThe Alliance Defense Fund has filed a lawsuit to stop New York from recognizing out-of-state same sex unions because the gays getting married would ruin — ruin — it for the rest of us!!! (WST&E Prof Blog)

Thanks, Brian. Now We’ll Never Forget It, Either

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Suck it, Jack Thompson!

jack-thompson2.jpgWe’ve talked about Florida nutjob Jack Thompson several times before (see, e.g.,He’ll Be Riding Six White Horses When He…” and “Florida Gets Something Right!”). Well god bless the Florida Bar, which is recommending that the fucknut be disbarred for 10 years because “It’s a privilege to practice law in the state of Florida, it is not a right.”

Thompson, for his part, went fucking nuts as usual, calling the whole thing a star chamber kangaroo court. He is so a special kind of crazy….

Best Lawsuit of All Time

time-warner-cable.jpgI’m not one to use hyperbole often, but seriously, I live in LA and I’m here to tell you that Time Warner Cable mother-fucking buuuuuh-lows. So the fact that the City Attorney’s Office has filed a lawsuit against the monolithic company for allegedly breaching its franchise agreement with the city? Best mother fucking lawsuit since Brown v. Board of Education. (What? Cable and equal opportunity aren’t the same thing? Show’s what you know!).

The suit says the company failed to live up to its part of the franchise cable agreement requiring that a company answer subscribers’ calls within 30 seconds and begin repairs of service interruptions within 24 hours of notification in 90% of its calls for service. The suit claims that no more than 60% of customer service calls were answered in time.
Service also was sub-par, the suit says, quoting a brochure saying that if a customer needed a service appointment, technicians would “fix the problem fast.” Instead, technicians failed to show up on time to appointments to fix outages, the suit says.

Shit, I’ve probably called Time Warner a good 5 times since moving back to LA seven months ago, and I’ve never had a call answered in less than about 10 minutes, and I had technicians fail to show up twice. Fuck you TWC! Long and hard, with no interruption of service.

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Even when in-laws aren’t your in-laws, they still suck

the-in-laws.jpgMike Oberthaler and Jennifer Wilson were engaged to be married this September. But sometime last year, the two got into a pretty big fight, and when Jennifer came home to find her shit tossed all about her apartment, that was it — she moved out and the wedding was off. All well and good, but for the fact that she’s now being sued by her almost future mother-in-law for part of the down payment on the reception hall where the wedding was going to be held.

Jennifer says Mike’s mom is simply suing her for $1,100 out of spite, while Mike says that Jennifer had agreed to split the cost of the reception hall and pay his mom back. What about the part where Mike agreed not to be an asshole, tossing his wife-to-be’s shit all around the apartment? You must be proud, Mama Oberthaler.

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Well Isn’t This Cute … Anderson Wants to Be Donna’s Boo

Today in D*ckhead Punditry

Rush_Limbaughadsfadsf.jpgFrom Rush Limbaugh, on Barack Obama:

He has trouble articulating with a bunch of stutters and pauses and so forth. So — but my point in telling you this is that there must be real animosity toward the Clintons at high levels of this party. To go with a veritable rookie whose only chance of winning is that he’s black.

And then, on women’s right to vote:

I mean, it’s — the growth of government started like crazy when women got the right to vote. Which just proves: Size does matter to ‘em.

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One Bold M’Fer

ronniecraven.jpgSo, there’s this guy named Ronnie Craven, who lives out in Somerville, MA (where both Seth and I have lived at separate times — represent!). And in an effort to get a date, he posted an ad on Craiglist claiming he was Jeff Turner, a front-office employee and former dribbler for the Seattle Supersonics. Things we’re going well for a while, until the woman he was dating did a simple Google search (note to online daters: Google first, fuck second) and realized that Ronnie was not who he said he was. Now, the Seattle Supersonics are actually threatening a cease and desist letter, if Craven benefited financially by the fraud (he did not).

But, my favorite part of this incident is Craven’s chutzpah; he’s not denying. He’s rolling with it:

“I am going to be honest with you. I don’t work for them,” the man who posed as Turner said from his home in Somerville, a Boston suburb, when reached by the Seattle P-I on Monday. “(The situation was) all brought on by an online dating thing. Craigslist. I lied to her. Does that mean I can go out there and represent the Sonics? No. Does that mean that I did it to get some (sex)? Absolutely.”
“This wasn’t meant to be (anything negative) toward the Sonics,” said Craven, who said he has three daughters, is separated from his wife and works in property management. “People get lied to all the time. Did I do anything illegal against the Sonics? No. Did I go out and represent the Sonics in any fashion? I’m not actually proposing that I did that. Did I do this for the broad? Yes.”

Wow. This guy is never going to get laid again. Ever.

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I Want To Be … Anarchy!

johnny rotten.jpgI don’t mean to be insensitive here, but there ought to be a certain level of implied assumption of risk when you’re working with Johnny Freakin’ Rotten.

According to a lawsuit filed moments ago in Los Angeles County Superior Court, the Sex Pistol singer allegedly beat the crap out of a female assistant and called her every horrible name in the book after the taping of a television show in 2007.
In the lawsuit, Roxane Davis claims Rotten, real name John Lydon, “cocked back his fist … and punched her in the face” when the rocker was forced to stay in a room at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel that didn’t share a door with his other assistant … a dude named Rambo. Davis says both Rotten and Rambo unleashed a verbal tirade, calling her a “fat f**king c*nt, f**king c*nt, and fat f**king whore.”
Davis, who was an employee of the show Rotten was working on, says she reported the incident to her supervisor, “but the complaints fell on deaf ears.” But get this — Davis admits the company did give her one warning about Rotten: “Under no circumstances was anyone to touch Rotten’s hair.”

Well, he is a man who admits, freely, that he’s the Anti-Christ. An unfortunate punch in the face seems to go along with the territory.

But dude: Punk rocker or no, it’s not nice to call people names.

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The Daily Memo - 6/5/08

check.jpgI’ll tell you what you can do with this iced venti mocha with extra hazelnut and caramel, Mr. Barrista Man! (Above the Law)

check.jpgYou wanna see Bill Murray’s pre-nup? Of course you do. (Slate)

check.jpgDude — you’ve gotta love a judge who takes college football rivalries in mind when figuring out where a deposition should take place. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgJimmy Carter’s endorsing Barack… (Yaho! News)

check.jpg…and he doesn’t think Hillary should be Obama’s VP candidate. (The Guardian)

check.jpgDid you know there’s a Harvard Law Review note controversy going on right now. Yeah, me neither. (Above the Law)

check.jpgThe Cali Supremes have declined to put a stay on its same-sex marriage decision (e.g, “fuck you people, the gays are getting married!”). (WSJ Law Blog)

“Rhinitis” means inflammation of the nose

pillows.jpgThe British authorities have no sense of fun:

Police in Leeds narrowly averted a major outbreak of public disorder and non-specific rhinitis this weekend when they convinced the organisers of a mass pillow fight to pull the plug on the Facebook-advertised event.
The West Yorkshire city had been almost drowned just a few weeks ago when a flashmob staged a 350-person water fight which resulted in the trashing of an ornamental garden and thousands of pounds worth of damage.
The bedding-powered bundle was scheduled for the weekend at Woodhouse Moor in Leeds, prompting fears of further mayhem, not to mention mass allergy outbreaks.
But this time the authorities swung into action, and after desperate pleas from the police, the organisers removed the ad from Facebook.

Said one of the local inspectors: “”The last thing we want is for a thousand drink-filled youths fighting each other and getting the wrong idea. That could turn into something a lot more awful that we’re not able to sort of police.” Amen, dude. Those pillow-fighters, nothing but fucking bloody trouble.

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toilet.jpgWhen Lisa Bess got home, she was a bit confounded to find her bathroom door locked, with the water running. She called the cops, who came over and kicked the door open to find a man sitting on the toilet, butt nekkid. Seems that Tom Wilkerson had wondered up to Bess’ home and, finding a spare key outside, helped himself to a shower and shit in her bathroom.

“There was still a stench of my body lotion; actually, water was still draining from the bathtub,” Bess said. “And he was refusing to get off the toilet until he finished doing his business.”
The time in the house gave him a chance to shower up, using Bess’ Victoria’s Secret lavender body wash, and shave. She could smell her body wash in the air and said there was still steam on the bathroom mirror.
“He was perfectly clean cut when we saw him, but he was wearing our clothes,” she said. “I couldn’t tell you what underwear he was wearing, but I don’t think I want to know.”

Well his request to finish up before being taken away is pretty reasonable, no? I mean, you don’t let the dude finish his business, he’s just going to end up leaking on your rug on the way out to the patrol car, you know.

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Common Sense Lesson #159

delivery-van.jpgOk, look. It’s a bad idea to steal a delivery van. Because if you’re caught, you can be charged with a felony count of theft and, if you tried to evade the cops, a count of eluding a law enforcement vehicle. And you’re most definitely going to get chased by the cops for stealing a delivery van when it’s a delivery van for Donut Delight Delivery. I mean, come on dude, what the hell were you thinking?

Today in C*nt Punditry Brought to you by Freud


He walks up to the closet, he comes up to the closet, now he’s at the closet, now he’s opening the closet (closet, closet, closet)…

trapped-in-the-closet.jpgA homeless woman in Japan has been arrested for finding a place to call home. For the past year, this woman lived in a man’s closet. The man in question had no idea he wasn’t living alone for some time, but eventually started to become suspicious when he noticed that his food was disappearing. So he set up security cameras at his home and last week one of the cameras caught someone moving about. The man called the cops, thinking it was burglars.

“We searched the house … checking everywhere someone could possibly hide,” [police spokesman Hiroki] Itakura said. “When we slid open the shelf closet, there she was, nervously curled up on her side.”
She had moved a mattress into the small closet space and apparently even took showers, Itakura said, calling the woman “neat and clean.”

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Actual AP Headline: “Dutch Man Injures Posterior in Mooning Accident”

mooning_gnome.jpgIf you hurt your ass while trying to moon someone, then you’re DOING IT WRONG.

Utrecht police say a 21-year-old Dutch man is recovering after a “mooning” that went horribly wrong. A police statement says the man and two others had run down a street in Utrecht with their pants pulled down in the back “for a joke.”
It says that at one point the 21-year-old “pushed his behind against the window of a restaurant” that broke and resulted in “deep wounds to his derriere.”

What the hell? Dumbass probably needed another ass crack, anyway.

The Daily Memo - 6/4/08

check.jpgYalie who forged his transcript is being prosecuted for fraud, after “stealing” $46,000 in scholarships. (WSJ’s Law Blog)

check.jpgCindy Sheehan’s political campaign is taking off like … er … if a tree falls in the woods and … (San Francisco Citizen)

check.jpgThe latest victim of the foreclosure crisis? Ed McMahon. (Wonkette)

check.jpgJail time for long lawns? Yup. In Ohio. (May It Please the Court)

check.jpgMom sues airline because it wouldn’t promise peanut-free flight. And we wonder why the airlines are going under. (Overlawyered)

check.jpgTaking the bar? Head on over to ATL and freak the fuck out. (Above the Law)

check.jpgChecking in on the R. Kelly trial. (Slate)

Ickiest headline of the week

God bless you Florida, you never let us down:

Man Posing as Woman Accused of Fondling Elderly Women at Church

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Think of the pure little children and their fragile little minds, won’t you please?

sex-ed.jpgFuck you, parents in Herriman, Missouri. Not all the parents in Herriman, but a long and hard fuck you to those who are riled up about a health teacher answering their your own kids’ questions about sex — so riled up that you’ve got a state representative filing a bill that would allow a teacher to be criminally prosecuted for deviating from state sex education standards.

At Fort Herriman Middle School, a seventh- and eighth-grade health teacher is being investigated for answering questions posed by the students about oral sex, masturbation and homosexual sex. That’s all a violation of state law, “which requires that [sex ed] focus on physical and emotional development of adolescents, healthy relationships and the threat and prevention of diseases” and “prohibits promoting or encouraging sexual behavior.”

To be fair, the law’s the law (albeit a fucking conservative, nanny-state stupid law), and the teacher broke it. Currently, that means the teacher can be administratively punished, and that to be enough of a punishment to me. The thought of criminal punishment for this, though? Ridiculous. And as for the parents who are all fired up and pissed off. I dunno, maybe they should spend a little less time going after teachers who deign to answer their kids’ questions and fucking talk to the kids themselves. Although I fear what answers the repressed parents might give the kids. “Gay sex bad. Oral sex bad. Masturbation bad! …Go wash your mouth out.”

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Terry McAuliffe Has Flipped His F*&^*&%^ Lid!

If you think Hillary is deluded (seriously — how could she not concede last night?), check out Terry McAuliffe on Jon Stewart last night. Dude’s hopped up on Red Bull and delusion. (It gets good around the 2:20 mark).

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Yeah, I got your “say cheese” right here

mugshot-finger.jpgDo these Smoking Gun mugshots ever get old? I think they do not.

The Further Misadventures of a Crazy Old F*cker

I’m gonna take Mike Gravel behind the middle school and get him pregnant. Dude is lights out, insane. Gravel 2008!

Fire it up.

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Holy Shiat

SNN0314A2G-682_498963a.jpgHow drunk do you have to be to plow into a crowd of bicyclers?

A car plowed into a weekend bike race along a highway near the U.S.-Mexico border, killing one and injuring 10 others, police said. The 28-year-old driver was apparently drunk and fell asleep when he crashed into the race, said police investigator Jose Alfredo Rodriguez.
A photograph taken by a city official showed bicyclists and equipment being hurled high into the air by the collision. Rodriguez said Juan Campos was charged with killing Alejandro Alvarez, 37, of Monterrey.

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Those Aren’t Disguises, They’re Accessories!

thongcrooks.jpgDo you spend much of your day pining away, trying to recall the scent of your girlfriend’s thong underwear? Well, two men in Colorado managed to find a way to combine their fondness for their girlfriends and a stick-up!

Police are looking for two crooks who tried to disguise their identities by covering their faces with women’s thong underwear during a robbery of an Arvada Diamond Shamrock gas station.
They wore thin, brightly colored, triangular-shaped underwear over their faces and demanded cash from the female clerk. They fled the scene with an undisclosed amount of money and cigarettes. They were not armed during the robbery.

It’s a good thing their girlfriends weren’t big girls, otherwise they’d probably not be able to see through the granny panties.

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The Daily Memo - 6/3/08

check.jpgHave a busted turn signal and you, too, can land in the clink. (WFAA)

check.jpgA Cali man has finally won the right to take his wife’s last name, after only two years of legal battles. (ABS-CBN News)

check.jpgI wonder if Lat gets upset when articles refer to him in the singular rather than the plural. (Above the Law)

check.jpgThe latest trade secret decision in California is a mixed bag. (Law.com)

check.jpgThe Supremes have decided to keep their nose out of MLB’s stupid attempt to require fantasy baseball licenses. (Nota Bene)

check.jpgThe Supremes also handed down three opinions yesterday about legal fees and money-laundering. (SCOTUSblog)

check.jpgA defense attorney who also fronts a rock band was tossed out of the R. Kelly trial last week for trying to give out his demo CD during a break. (WSJ Law Blog)

Why must we always punish creativity?

zip-line.jpgOver in Hong Kong, sixteen members of a gang have been arrested for running an across-the-border smuggling operation. This gang “used a crossbow to shoot [a] cable across the fenced-off border between” Chine and Hong Kong, and then they strung it “from the top of a Chinese highrise down to a viliage house in Hong King.” For the next two to three weeks, they then used this as a zip line, rigging up a pulley system to shuttle illicit goods over the border at night:

“They took 10 to 15 seconds to smuggle goods weighing 3-5kg, such as 20-30 mobile phones each time,” Leo Sin, a senior Hong Kong customs’ intelligence officer was quoted as saying.
Electronics goods worth more than $770,000 were seized, including 3,300 mobile phones and 2,100 computer memory cards, the paper reported.
The newspaper said it was the first time such a method had been deployed by cross-border smugglers, who have in the past dug tunnels to ferret electronics underground and to pump contraband diesel between the two sides.

It sure has. It sure has.

mugshot-party.jpg(From The Smolking Gun’s mugshot collection, of course.)

Maybe she’s just allergic to bullshit

fox-news.jpgSeveral companies have been sued over a building that they own and manage in NYC. They’ve been sued by Jane Clark, who’s a satellite feed coordinator at the Fox News Channel, which is located in said building. And Clark says that the building’s got critters, and not just the ones that work at Fox Noise (buh-dum dum!) — she says wound up with a mess of bedbug bites while at work:

Clark, 37, says the critter encounter last year left her unable to work and suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. She said an investigation revealed that another employee was bringing the bugs to work from his home, but that person no longer works at Fox.

See, I always knew you couldn’t trust those Fox News people, bringing bugs to work for no good reason and what-not.

Well I don’t think she’s a sociopath…

Ah “South Park,” is there anything you can’t do? Andrew Sullivan thinks that this clip offers a way for folks to deal with Hillary (which, if you believe the rumors, won’t matter past tonight anyways):

(Hat tip to If a TV Falls in the Woods….)

She Had it Comin’

chicago1211.jpgWell. this is a first: A guy is using the famous “Cell Block Tango” defense, from the Broadway musical, Chicago:

“And then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times!”

From today’s Buffalo News:

Police were called to a Pierce Avenue home early Sunday on a report that a woman accidentally walked into a knife.
Upon arrival, officers found the woman bleeding from the abdomen, and her boyfriend claiming that they had been “horsing around” and that the woman walked into a knife lying on a counter. No further details were provided. An investigation is ongoing.

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.

Well why should the Associated Press actually know about the law

prince.jpgA few weeks back, at the annual Coachella festival, Prince closed out one of the nights with a performance that included, along with his own hits, a cover of Radiohead’s “Creep.” I love that song, and I’d love to see/hear the crazy Purple One’s cover version of the song — trouble is, all the clips have been taken down because Prince’s record label claims the videos are a copyright violation.

Radiohead’s Thom York thinks it’s hilarious that Prince covered their song, and thinks it’s even more hilarious that his own guitarist, Ed O’Brien, has been unable to see the performance thanks to the video takedown:

“Really? He’s blocked it?” asked Yorke, who figured it was their song to block or not. “Surely we should block it. Hang on a moment.”
Yorke added: “Well, tell him to unblock it. It’s our … song.”

The AP then goes on to question the takedown of the videos, noting that the song was written by Radiohead and the videos shot by fan:

YouTube prohibits the posting of copyrighted material. If the site receives a complaint from a copyright owner, it will in most cases remove the video(s). Whether the same could be done for a company not holding a copyright is less clear, but Yorke’s argument would seem to bear some credence according to YouTube’s policies.

Seems the Associated Press needs to do some research on QuizLaw, where it would learn that there are actually quite a few rights folded up within a copyright. Sure, Radiohead owns the rights to the song itself, and the fans who shot the videos own the rights inherent in those videos. But Prince still owns rights related to his performance of the song (particularly because he had his own folks there recording the performance). Is his label an enormous asshat for having the videos taken down? Perhaps. But doesn’t mean they can’t do it. Well researched, AP.

Is It Over? Is It F$%@$# Over Yet?

hillary_clintonasdfasdf.jpgMaybe, according to Poliitco:

Members of Hillary Clinton’s advance staff received calls and emails this evening from headquarters summoning them to New York City Tuesday night, and telling them their roles on the campaign are ending, two Clinton staffers tell my colleague Amie Parnes.
The advance staffers — most of them now in Puerto Rico, South Dakota, and Montana — are being given the options of going to New York for a final day Tuesday, or going home, the aides said.

And in related news, the Hillary protesters — exemplified by this crazy lady — really freakin’ embarassed the party over the weekend:

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The Daily Memo - 6/2/08

check.jpgThe cross-dressing, drunk driving, bankruptcy deciding judge who resigned back in February has announced that he’s not coming back to the bench. (Above the Law)

check.jpgTen other states want California to hold off on the gay marriage business until after the fall election. (LAist)

check.jpgSome things to do when meeting with a lawyer for the first time. (LawInfo)

check.jpg“Magistrates malign magenta monopoly.” (Likelihood of Confusion)

check.jpgTHINKfilm is being sued for failing to pay advertising fees. (Cinematical)

check.jpgBabies R Us is facing an antitrust lawsuit for shenanigans with some manufacturers to allegedly stymie internet resellers. (Law.com)

People Really Will Believe Anything

Kill_Whitey2.jpgTrue or not, if you say it often enough, people will start to believe it, which is why Barack Obama, for so long, has had to fight off rumors that he was Muslin.

Well, now comes Fox News (and the right-wing blogosphere) with something even more absurd. They are hyping the existence of a video, in which Michelle Obama goes off on “Whitey,” a video they say is exactly the bombshell that Hillary is waiting for to derail his campaign. Roger Stone, a Republican strategist, despite never having seen the video, is now claiming that there is credible evidence that it exists. And, yes: It would hurt the Obama campaign, irreparably. But, according to the Daily Kos, the video in question includes these lines:

Why did Bush cut folks off medicaid? Why did Bush let New Orleans drown? Why did Bush do nothing about Jena? Why did Bush put us in Iraq for no reason?
How you’d say it:
Why’d he cut folks off medicaid? Why’d he let New Orleans drown? Why’d he do nothing about Jena? Why’d he put us in Iraq for no reason?

Nevermind that she’s saying “Why’d he” and not “Whitey,” it doesn’t matter. Roger Stone, Fox News, and those fuckers have put it out there that she’s saying “Whitey.” And before the video even pops up, this will filter out into the country — via Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly — and, for a large contingent of people who want to believe it’s true, it will become true.

How freakin’ disgusting is this? Despicable.

It’s going to be a long general election campaign.

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Scotty Mac and Keith, Part 4

Here’s the final part of last Thursday’s “Countdown” interview with Scott McClellan (and here are the links for Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3):

Scotty Mac and Keith, Part 3

Here’s the third part of last Thursday’s “Countdown” interview with Scott McClellan (or go back and watch Part 1 or Part 2):

Scotty Mac and Keith, Part 2

Here’s the second part of last Thursday’s “Countdown” interview with Scott McClellan (click here for Part 1):

Scotty Mac and Keith, Part 1

I haven’t read Scott McClellan’s hot button book What Happened yet, but Keith Olbermann spent almost all of Thursday’s “Countdown” interviewing McClellan, which seems to serve as a sort of Cliff Notes version of the book. So we’ll be tossing up some videos this morning for those of you looking to kill some time on a Monday morning.

Smoke em if you got em … just not in your apartment

homer-smoking.jpgCalifornia’s state Senate has approved a bill which would let landlords ban smoking in their rental apartments. The legislation now goes to the state Assembly for its review and vote. If it becomes law, landlords can put the kibosh on smoking anywhere on their rental properties and a violation of this ban would be considered a material violation of the lease, justifying eviction.

Some folks are obviously against this because of a “leave us the hell alone” type of thinking. Senator Dick Ackerman said this bill is against the public will, because “the vast majority of all renters, including … nonsmokers, are opposed to it.” The Western Center on Law and Poverty, meanwhile, is against it because they say the bill is discriminatory against the poor and minorities, “who smoke and rent at higher rates than other segments of the population.”

On the one hand, I’m not terribly offended by this insofar as it’s just confirming the landlords’ right to ban something in units they own. On the other hand, the “material violation” language seems to take it a bit too far. And on still a third hand, at least here in LA, such a ban is meaningless anyway, since the air in a smokey apartment is still probably better than the stuff I get when I stand out on my balcony.