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Monthly Archives: May 2008

Power Trippin’ Judge Wants You To Rub Her Corns

art.halverson.file.jpgThis bit of news is actually a few weeks old, but I just caught it. And let me just say: Woah!

Elizabeth Halverson is a judge. But the way courthouse staffers see it, she expects to be treated like a queen.
Judge Elizabeth Halverson will face hearings next month by a judicial discipline panel.
Her former bailiff, for example, says Halverson made him feel like a “houseboy.” He says the judge — who is obese and uses a motorized scooter to get around — made him put her shoes on her feet, massage her back, cover her with a blanket for naps and make sure her oxygen tank was filled. He says she asked him, “Do you want to worship me from near or afar?”
Halverson also surrounded herself with her own hired guards, saying she did not trust the courthouse security force to protect her. Another time, she allegedly had her husband sworn in so that she could ask him under oath whether he had completed chores at home.

But despite taking naps, swearing in her husband to ask if he did the chores, and asking the bailiff to put on her shoes, after Halverson was locked out of her courtroom, she still managed to find a defender:

Jeffrey Stempel, a law professor at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, said he is troubled by what appears to be an attempt to “micromanage” a judge.
“Judicial removal should generally be reserved for corruption and complete incompetence or inability to do the job,” Stempel said. “One question you have to ask is, `Is this judge so bad we have to remove her before the voters have a chance to do so?’

Ummm. Yes.

Crazy White Obama Preacher More Entertaining than the Crazy Black One

I have no idea what’s offensive about this guy, or even what was offensive about what he said. It was clearly in jest, but I think there’s probably some truth to it, nevertheless. And if whitey hates anything, it’s being made fun of by a white preacher in a black church. Turncoat!

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Weird Crime Department

parnell.jpgWhat kind of crime is this?

A woman told Cincinnati police that she heard a noise and then felt something cold on her feet. Police said a man crawled under a table at a University of Cincinnati library and used a syringe to spray saltwater onto the woman’s shoes.
The woman told officers that after she heard something coming from under her table and felt the sensation on her feet, she looked down and saw a man on his knee holding a syringe.

What’s even more absurd: His bond was set for $75,000. For spraying salt-water on a woman’s shoes.

Man, if spraying salt water on a woman’s shoes is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Weird-looking guy, though. I’ll give you that.

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If You Don’t Want to Hear it From Me, then How About the Original Hawkeye Pierce?

244.sutherland.donald.101006.jpgThose goddamn Canadians have a way with big words, don’t they? Just because they have a better vocabulary than we do, doesn’t mean they’re smarter.

Oh, wait: Sometimes it does. See, e.g., Donald Sutherland’s scathing attack on Hillary Clinton:

Haven’t we had enough of Mrs. Clinton’s mad antics in her pursuit of the realization of venal personal ambition; her ‘say anything, do anything, no matter what’ effort to manipulate our all too willing media to gull this country’s populace into believing that her wretched illegitimacy is indeed legitimate. How much mendacity do we have to suffer, how much brazenness do we have to swallow before someone, anyone, has the decency, the common sense, to relieve us of this terrible trifle, this pathetic madness? (Source)

It’s an even more effective screed if you can hear, in your mind, Sutherland delivering it. But don’t worry, Donald. It’ll all be over this time next week.

(H/T Deus Ex Malcontent)

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The Daily Memo - 5/30/08

check.jpgWisconsin’s Governor Jim Doyle has signed off on an interstate compact to help protect the Great Lakes by banning diversion of lake water. (Physorg)

check.jpgMLB hates little league. (The Southtown Star)

check.jpgAwww … poor old man McCain has trouble saying “Ahmadinejad.” (Change of Subject)

check.jpgYou probably heard this already, but New York’s Governor David A. Paterson has issued a directive that the state will recognize same-sex marriages from other states and Canada. (NY Times)

check.jpgYup, technology can really fuck your shit up. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgClassy — a lawyer has been arrested for groping lady lawyers in his office. (Law.com)

His name was Robert Paulson. His name … was Robert Paulson

robert-paulson.jpgOver in England, the Daily Mail newspaper can just be so damn entertaining some time. With a great picture of Jack Nicholson and his man tits, they ran this story:

It is a subject that most men manage to keep under wraps - or at least under their shirts.
But yesterday male breasts, or moobs as they are sometimes known, were right out in the open in one of the highest courts in the land.
Three senior judges grappled with the question of whether male breasts could be regarded as having any sexual allure.
The leading legal minds got to grips with the issue after a man who secretly filmed another man’s top half at a public swimming pool was convicted of voyeurism.
Care worker Kevin Bassett, 44, was found guilty last year after using a video camera hidden in a plastic bag to take shots of a swimmer.
Yesterday, his conviction was quashed at the Court of Appeal after Lord Justice Hughes, Mr Justice Treacy and Sir Paul Cresswell ruled that a man’s bare torso did not count as ‘private parts’.

The tagline under the Jack photo? “Jack Nicholson is a proud owner of man boobs — and he doesn’t seem to care whether they’re ogled or not.” He’s Jack, man, of course he doesn’t care.

Inside Man

inside-man.jpgDown in Jacksonville, Florida, there’s a pizza joint by the name of Hungry Howie’s Pizza. Recently, it was robbed in the early hours of a Wednesday morning. Someone busted up the read door, trashed the security cameras, and made off with some cash and credit card receipts. However, the robber didn’t get the actual surveillance video, which the owner took to the cops. From this video, they were able to identify Joseph Whittenton as the likely burglar.

And it was all the easier to ID Whittenton as the burglar since he’s a Hungry Howie’s employee. And since he was wearing his Hungry Howie’s uniform in the video. I mean, come on dude — at least change your shirt before robbing your own place of employment, you know?

Come on man, do your job!

portable-dvd.jpgIt’s nice to know that it’s not just here in the States where cops don’t really always get the job done right. For example, up in Canada, eh, a man was recently pulled over for speeding. He wound up with an even greater fine, however, when the officer got to the minivan’s window and saw that the driver was watching a DVD on a portable player sitting on the van’s dahsboard. The driver admitted to watching the flick and claimed he didn’t realize it was illegal. Which it is. And so he got himself an extra fine.

But here’s the thing — the officer didn’t find out what movie the driver was watching. Come on man, that’s the only thing any of us want to know from this story. Disappointed!

Worst. Wedding. Ever.

dog-wedding.jpgSeriously, this could only happen in Arkansas. God bless my home state. No, really: It needs a lot of God’s blessings:

A shooting at an outdoor wedding ended in chaos as a man sped off to find help for the three victims loaded into the back of his pickup.

Arriving Pope County sheriff’s deputies found a woman lying in the truck’s bed with a gunshot wound to the head. A man next to her had blood pumping down over his body from a wound his neck. Another man sat in the back, suffering from a chest wound.

As deputies got to Piney Creek, they found another woman with a gunshot wound to the wrist, according to their initial reports.

But now, three days after the shooting, the chief prosecutor said that trying to piece together what went wrong Saturday remained difficult. There were reports that the suspect’s dog and the wedding couple’s dog got into a fight, and it escalated from there. (Source)

Piece of advice: Never invite dogs to a wedding.

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Presidential (Adjective): Befitting a president.


The Problem with a Nude Maid Is Easy Access to a Hiding Spot

41qNE3wOeML._SS400_.jpgIf you’re going to hire a nude maid, let me ask you this: Why leave her alone in another room to do the cleaning? That completely defeats the purpose.

A nude maid is accused of really cleaning up at a Florida man’s home. The Hillsborough Sheriff’s Office said a 50-year-old man hired the maid from the Internet on Friday to clean his Tampa home.

Authorities said the woman arrived at the home in a one-piece, light colored dress. She took off the dress and cleaned the house for $100-per-hour. Sheriff’s office spokeswoman Debbie Carter said the man told deputies he left the maid alone in the bedroom to clean.

When the man’s wife came home from vacation, she discovered $40,000 in jewelry missing from their bedroom. (Source)

I say, she’s just really, really thorough. That damn jewelry was just cluttering up the place.

Calling All New York Bar Applicants

orgyfirst.gifTaking the NY Bar? Stressed out? Worried about the 22 subjects you need to learn for one of the hardest bar exams in the country? Can’t deal with the droning Bar-Bri instructor or the nightly MBE questions?

Well, you could relax with a nice glass of wine, a little nicotine, and a Top Chef marathon this weekend, OR, you could engage in an orgy!

Check this Craiglist post (since removed):


The NY bar exam is coming… It’s a time of intense study for recent law school graduates with a phenomenal amount of stress involved. Stop studying for a few hours and de-stress at a weekly orgy!

Every week, my girlfriend and I will be hosting an orgy for those studying for the bar and/or their partners.

We realize that the law profession is very much about one’s good name and reputation, so we will host with the greatest of care and anonymity. Don’t use your real name, don’t talk about your school or your firm, just come and have fun.

Ummmm …. ewwwwwwwww. No offense to the lawyers and future lawyers amongst our readership, but take a look at, say, any Law Review photo from any law school in the country, and you’d quickly realize that an orgy comprised of lawyers would likely be just about the least titillating experience of your lifetime. And can you imagine the Aspergerish retards that’d actually show up to a Craiglist lawyer orgy? They’d bring flash cards and diagrams. Yikes. 

(Major Hat Tip to Above the Law)

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The Daily Memo - 5/29/08

check.jpgAlbany, NY judge to Dell: “You some misleading, deceptive, unlawful business practicing motherfuckers.” (Engadget)

check.jpgWait, what’s the problem with cops fondling your anal beads? It’s not like they stuck ‘em up their own asses? (Above the Law)

check.jpgDelta is being sued by a lawyer who says his 80-year-old mother’s birthday was wrecked because of nasty and obnoxious employees. (Law.com)

check.jpgA new report says terrorism cases are best left to civilian courts, not military tribunals. “P.S.,” says the report, “suck our nuts, Mr. Bush.” (LawInfo)

check.jpgThis story is awesome — a stripper who got drunk and got in a car wreck says she had to get drunk because it’s part of her job, so her managers should cover the accident. (Supreme Dicta)

check.jpgEarlier this week, the feds pinched a dude for owning and running six medical weed joins in LA. (LAist)

check.jpgThe White House says former press secretary Scott McClellan is just a bitter Nancy. (The Huffington Post)

P-p-p-p-p-p-p-please, Eddie!

roger-rabbit.jpgThere’s this scene, I think in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, where a can of yellow paint is hung from the back of a car bumper, with a hole punctured in its side. Thus, when the car eventually drives off, it leaves an easy-to-follow yellow trail behind it. (Am I totally wrong here? Was it some other movie?) Well in Sacramento, a car thief found the real-life version of this happen to him, thanks to an oil leak in the car they stole:

Two police officers found a stolen car abandoned in a Sacramento alley, still dripping from its engine. Officer Sang Koo Park of the Sacramento Police and his partner saw that the oil left a trail, so they followed it.
“This particular fluid trail was very discernable,” said Officer Park. “It was fresh, it was uniform, you could have taken a highlighter and highlighted the trail back to his house. It was that noticeable.”

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Beam Me Up, Your Honor

beam-me-up.jpgSeems that this October, civil and family law judges in jolly ol’ England will be giving up the wigs that they’ve worn for several centuries. The Lord Chief Justice (how much cooler is any title with “lord” in front of it?) said that he thought these wigs were old and stuffy, and it was time to get modern. In fact, along with letting their natural locks flow, the British judges are also getting modernized robes that are less out of touch with our modern day and age.

But some think that this change stinks “because it’s a break with tradition,” and many a stuffy Brit dislikes breaking with tradition. Also, some are opposed to the new robes, which they say is a little too modern, looking more like something out of Star Trek:


Criminal judges, meanwhile, are keeping their wigs both because they like the appearance of dignity, and because it helps make them less recognizable, in case a criminal defendant comes a-looking for them later. But don’t they know that’s what Scotty and the transporter are for, to get them out of such hairy situations?

Let the children’s voices be heard!

children-voting.jpgThe mother of 5-year-old Alex Barton is considering filing a lawsuit against his elementary school teacher because she had the nerve — the audacity — to try to teach her kindergarten class about democracy. Melissa Barton has filed a complaint with the authorities, but no criminal charges will be filed, because it was determined that this vote didn’t amount to emotional child abuse, as she contends.

I mean, why would you think it’s emotional child abuse for a kindergarten teacher to allow her students to vote on whether an autistic kid should be kicked out of the class?

Yup. Wendy Portillo let the sixteen kids in her class vote on whether Alex, who’s currently undergoing testing to determine for sure if he’s got Asperger’s syndrome, should stay or go. And in a 14-to-2 vote, the kids said “send him the hell out.”

…Need I mention what state this class teacher works in? It rhymes with Schmorida.

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What’s Better Than Stories about Stupid Criminals?

Video evidence of stupid criminals.

And these guys may take the motherfucking cake.

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From our readers’ mouths to your eyes

mailbag.jpgBack to the QuizLaw mailbag, for two more stories from the readers, we go.

First, reader Dawn B. sends us the story of a Georgia teenager who’s been arrested and charged for biting or grabbing the asses of at least 10 women at his local Wal-Mart. Always leaping at a new opportunity, Wal-Mart has now announced a new line of ass cushions which its shoppers can rent for the bargain price of $1, to protect their tushies from such trouble-making youngins.

And from an Australian reader of ours who blogs over at The Stumblng Tumblr (you know, we have a surprisingly large Australian readership — y’all just like mocking us silly Americans from down under?) comes the tale of a brilliant Kiwi (i.e., New Zealander) who tried to pay for food with weed when he realized he was out of money. But dumb luck for him — the guy right behind him in line was a cop, in uniform, and our doped-up Kiwi was promptly arrested for possession.

What? No Penny Whistles?

MoonPie.jpgWhat is even more lethal than a gun, more dangerous than a knife, more fierce than an axe?

Moonpies, bitches.

Police in Galesburg said a homeless man was arrested for allegedly attacking an 84-year-old man with a box of Moon Pies.

The elderly man told police he was on his way out of a dollar store on Friday when he felt something striking him repeatedly in the back. He said he turned around and saw that 53-year-old Michael Farquer was hitting him with something inside a yellow plastic bag.

The victim went back inside the store, and Farquer followed him, whereupon the staff called police. Officers determined that the weapon was a one-dollar box of Moon Pies, which they confiscated as evidence before taking Farquer to the Knox County Jail on a battery charge. (Source)

Well, at least it wasn’t stale ding dongs. Those motherfuckers sting.

The Daily Memo - 5/28/08

check.jpg“How the Clintons would disenfranchise Florida and Michigan voters.” (Andrew Sullivan)

check.jpgGoogle has answered Viacom’s amended complaint against Google (for $1 billion), saying that this lawsuit could end life as we know it. (Above the Law)

check.jpgYahoo is suing spammers who make folks think they’ve won the lottery. (LawInfo)

check.jpgThe Supremes issued some new opinions, including offering some more protection for workers who complain about discrimination from facing retaliation. (SCOTUSblog)

check.jpgFollowing up on one of our entries form last week, here’s some retarded state legislation, Nevada-style. (Supreme Dicta)

check.jpgThe DOJ has reached a proposed settlement that will let internet-based realtors compete with brick-and-mortar agents. (NetworkWorld.com)

Scott McClennan Amazingly Capable of Independent Thought!

scottmclennan.jpgIf you haven’t heard yet, former Press Secretary Scott McClennan is releasing a book that promises to be the first real negative attack on the Bush Administration from someone inside the Bush White House. In the book, McClennan writes, in part:

President Bush “convinces himself to believe what suits his needs at the moment,” and has engaged in “self-deception” to justify his political ends, Scott McClellan, the former White House press secretary, writes in a critical new memoir about his years in the West Wing.

In addition, Mr. McClellan writes, the decision to invade Iraq was a “serious strategic blunder,” and yet, in his view, it was not the biggest mistake the Bush White House made. That, he says, was “a decision to turn away from candor and honesty when those qualities were most needed.” (Source)

Nope, Scott. The decision to invade Iraq was definitely the biggest mistake of the Bush White House. Absolutely. 100 percent. No denying it. While I’m sure that the “decision to turn away from candor and honesty” was a mistake, it’s the Iraq War that costs $12 billion a month. No comparison there, buddy. On the blunder meter, I think I’d put that whole candor and honesty mistake somewhere below No Child Left Behind, Hurricane Katrina, Guantanamo Bay, warrantless wiretapping, and the firing of Democrat U.S. Attorneys — I’d put it somewhere on par with trying to sneak Harriet Meiers onto the Supreme Court, I suppose.

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There’s at least one thing I can get behind McCain on

pmq.jpgFor those unfamiliar with British government, one of the great things our brothers of another mother do is to have the Prime Minister routinely go before Parliament for what’s called Prime Minister’s Questions, where an open discussion is held. It’s often quite lively, particularly when Members of Parliament decide to take the PM to task on various things they’ve done.

Well last week, McCain said that, if he were to win the election this November, he’d like to do the same thing:

I will ask Congress to grant me the privilege of coming before both houses to take questions, and address criticism, much the same as the prime minister of Great Britain appears regularly before the House of Commons.

That is seriously fantastic, not just from an entertainment standpoint, but from a governance perspective as well, and I hope that Obama might consider something similar if he wins the November election (and, ok, I’ll play along Hillary — I hope you’ll do it too, if you *cough* win in November).

Superman just melts cancer kids with his heat rays, but Batman actually uses their skin to make new utility belts

supes-and-bats.jpgWhen Thomas Denton’s nephew was diagnosed with cancer, a charity called Candlelighters stepped in to help his family out. So Denton decided to return the favor as best he could, using his comic book connections to set up some charity auctions featuring original artwork, the proceeds from which would go to Candlelighters. Some of the artwork included comic characters belonging to DC Comics, like Superman and Batman. And DC Comics’ parent corporation, Time Warner, was unhappy with the unauthorized use of its trademarked characters.

So it shut down the charity eBay auctions, which were going to provide money to help cancer kids.

Heartless corporations, is there anything they won’t do?

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God hates lawyers

god.jpgA recent study was done of first year law students at the University of St. Thomas Law School of Law in Minnesota, to find out how their spirituality affected their scholastic performance. And the study found that “[s]trong spirituality had a negative correlation with academic performance,” while “[m]edium and low spirituality had no correlation.”

Since I’m a heathenous pig, must be why I’m a reasonably decent lawyer. Knew all my sinning would come in handy one of these days!

Shut Up. Shut Up! Shut Up!

Just shut up, Bill Clinton. Please. You’re breaking my heart. Put a lid on it. Shove your pie-hole full of Big Macs and don’t speak. There are no vast left-wing conspiracies. There is no media cover-up, and in no way is “all of the evidence” suggesting that your wife is beating Barack Obama. You are deluded, sir. Apparently, the heart surgeons removed your intelligence and tact during your heart surgery several years ago. You may very well become the first president to go out with incredibly high approval ratings, and yet end up with a legacy no better than our current President’s. You have got to keep your mouth shut. Seriously. Don’t speak. Zip it. 

Today’s Classiest Law Firm Ad

shugar_tile.gifI can’t tell if it’s an ad for a law firm or an ad for a naughty stripper — you gotta wonder if, in addition to legal representation, you also get a few spankings? Or is that extra?

Just real classy.

(H/T Overlawyered)

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That Ferris Bueller Bullsh*t Doesn’t Work in the Real World, Son

Thumbnail image for 123046__ferris_l.jpgWhy did this dude even think he could get away with this?

Loren Elliotte Friedman is accused in a complaint filed May 6 by the Illinois Attorney Registration and Disciplinary Commission. He was listed as an associate at Curtis, Mallet-Prevost, Colt & Mosle in New York on the firm’s website earlier Tuesday, but his name was removed by the afternoon.

Joseph Pizzurro, managing partner of Curtis Mallet-Prevost, told ABAJournal.com that Friedman, a bankruptcy associate, disclosed the bar complaint to the law firm on Friday and submitted his resignation.

The complaint says Friedman altered transcripts of his law school grades in 20 classes to reflect better grades than he received. Friedman worked at Sidley Austin the summer of 2002, and the firm extended an employment offer for him to begin work as an associate in 2003. (Source)

He went to the University of Chicago, one of the best law school in the nation. Even with mediocre grades, he’s more or less guaranteed a decent position at some corporate law firm. What the hell? And he lived this lie for six years — you have to imagine that getting caught actually was something of a relief, knowing that the inevitable wasn’t hanging over his head any longer. Of course, he has no future as a lawyer anymore, so really: It was a blessing!

Obama’s First Big Bushism …

On this Memorial Day, as our nation honors its unbroken line of fallen heroes — and I see many of them in the audience here today — our sense of patriotism is particularly strong. (Source)

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The Daily Memo - 5/27/08

check.jpgLast Friday, a Philly jury awarded $20.5 million to the parents of a college student who died from a botched liposuction. (Law.com)

check.jpgThe first federal criminal trial relating to online music piracy has led to a guilty verdict for a 25-year-old Brooklyn man, who’s now facing up to five years in the clink. (Listening Post (Wired))

check.jpgAn appeals court here in Cali has ruled that the state legislature can’t limit the amount of medical marijuana patients can possess. (Law.com)

check.jpgAre there trade dress rights in the design of those recognizable red law school books? (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgAfter ignoring demands to get off his cell phone while in-flight, a Southwest passenger was arrested for disorderly conduct. (AZ Central)

check.jpgMemphis police made 64 prostitution arrests over the course of a three day sting. (My Eyewitness News)

check.jpgThey mugged a 6-year-old? (USA Today’s On Deadline)

With a boss like this, who needs enemies?

adam-kutner.jpgAdam Kutner is the best kind of lawyer — the kind who runs his practice like an asshole tyrant. The kind who calls his employees kind words like “morons,” “fucking dumb-asses,” “fat bitches” and “cunts.” The kind who flings phone headsets and writing utensils around in anger and disgust. The kind who flings cell phones at a “stupid Mexican” employee.

The kind who punches holes in the wall, who slams doors so hard shit gets busted up, who threatens his employees with golf clubs, who brags about his sexual adventures to his female employees and who makes employees shave his neck.

And the kind who — and this one is over the fucking top — rants about hating large breasts on women.

I mean, calling your employees “fat bitches” and hucking phones at them? Fine enough. But not digging big titties? That’s fucking lunacy.

In any event, he’s currently being sued by three former female employees, and he has previously been sued by three others (he settled those cases). He’s also counter-suing, claiming it’s all a bunch of libel and that these gals are just trying to jump on board a gravy train of sexual harassment settlement money.

(Hat tip: Above the Law.)

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Dude, I totally want to take a speedboat equipped with machine guns to court!

gitmo-tshirt.jpgOver the weekend, Salon featured an interesting piece by Carol Chodroff, a former federal defender who, last week, had her “first experience with the military commissions at the Guantánamo Bay Naval Base, where the U.S. government is putting 15 terror suspects on trial.”

She tells the story of man who’s been held for five years and, now that he was finally getting his day in court, decided he wanted to boycott the hearing, eventually saying:

I don’t accept these charges. There is no justice with me. I am oppressed. I have been brought by force. I didn’t want to come to this court. They have been cruel to me — your strong people.

It’s a quick but interesting read, and I hope this is part of a series, because I’d like to read more.

I hope this past Memorial Day…

…you remembered to use sun lotion everywhere.


(This kind message, as always, comes to you from our friends at The Smoking Gun.)

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Did Obama kick McCain in the nuts?

mccain.jpgSo Senator Jim Webb has introduced a GI bill to increase the benefits given to vets. Our lovely President is against it, because why should we do more for those who actually make it home from Iraq and Afghanistan and the other places we send them? And John McCain has voiced his opposition to the bill, as well, for which Obama took him to task a little, last Thursday:

I respect Sen. John McCain’s service to our country. He is one of those heroes of which I speak. But I can’t understand why he would line up behind the president in his opposition to this GI bill. I can’t believe why he believes it is too generous to our veterans. I could not disagree with him and the president more on this issue.

Reasonable enough. But McCain thought this was some horseshit:

It is typical, but no less offensive that Senator Obama uses the Senate floor to take cheap shots at an opponent and easy advantage of an issue he has less than zero understanding of. Let me say first in response to Senator Obama, running for President is different than serving as President. The office comes with responsibilities so serious that the occupant can’t always take the politically easy route without hurting the country he is sworn to defend. Unlike Senator Obama, my admiration, respect and deep gratitude for America’s veterans is something more than a convenient campaign pledge. I think I have earned the right to make that claim….
Both Senator Webb and I are united in our deep appreciation for the men and women who risk their lives so that the rest of us may be secure in our freedom. And I take a backseat to no one in my affection, respect and devotion to veterans. And I will not accept from Senator Obama, who did not feel it was his responsibility to serve our country in uniform, any lectures on my regard for those who did….

If you see where Obama hit McCain below the belt with some cheap shot, would you let me know? Cause I just see him saying “I support this vet benefits bill, and I don’t get how a vet wouldn’t support it.” Seems pretty fucking reasonable to me.

QuizLaw remembers what it’s all about…

baseball-bats.jpgHappy Memorial Day QuizLaw kiddies. As you know, this is the day where we remember those that have died fighting for our country. Fighting to protect life, liberty and the pursuit of slavery.

What, you thought we didn’t have slavery anymore? Check out the best headline I’ve seen in some time:

Minor leaguer traded for 10 bats.

John Odom, has been traded from the Calgary Vipers to the Laredo Broncos for “10 Prairie Sticks Maple Bats, double-dipped black, 34-inch, C243 style.” Said the Broncos’ manager: “They just wanted some bats, good bats — maple bats.”

Awesome. Just awesome.

…See y’all tomorrow. And, in all seriousness, thanks to our troops. It’s not your fault that you work for an idiot.

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You can’t spell “assassinated” without a whole lotta “ass”

hillary-clinton-in-rolling-stone-thumb.jpgIf you haven’t heard by now, Hillary invoked RFK’s assassination as a reason why she needs to stay in this race, and some think she was ever so not-subtly implying that someone may try to take Obama out, so we need her around as a backup. When asked about why she’s still in the race, she noted that folks have been urging her to withdraw but that “historically, that makes no sense.” Then she went on to explain history:

My husband did not wrap up the nomination in 1992 until he won the California primary somewhere in the middle of June, right? We all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California.

There’s no question that this was a poooooooor choice of words, both given the Obama implications and the fact that it’s been a bad week for Teddy Kennedy. So it’s understandable that folks were pissed, and that Hillary’s campaign quickly tried to do some spin control, eventually having HIllary issue an apology. However, our man of righteous indignation, Keith Olbermann, doesn’t think any of that matters. He’s mad as hell — not sure I entirely agree with the level of his ire, but the underlying sentiment is pretty right:

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All your pork and beans are belong to us!!

Weezer’s new video for “Pork and Beans” is mmm-mmm good. I wanted to embed it for your Friday enjoyment but, for some reason, they turned embedding off, making you actually go to the the YouTube page for the video. Phooey. So here’s another video for you instead:

I don’t love you as much as I love Weezer, James Franco, but I’d sniff your jacket anytime!

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Woah. Not Cool.


So much for the picture of a glistening Obama with a unicorn. A Georgia newspaper decided, “Hey! Let’s bait the racists!”

Somebody needs to be fired. Pronto.

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Police Blotter Files — Killer Trees

pblovelessemails.jpgFrom Pennsylvania’s Times Leader:

Police said Andrew R. Tostevin, 19, of Coopersburg, was found hanging upside down from a tree at North Main and North streets at about 12:36 a.m. Thursday. Police said Tostevin told officers that the tree attacked him. Police said Tostevin was heavily intoxicated and was taken to Wilkes-Barre General Hospital.

Funny thing about killer trees: They only attack drunks.

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Lessons in Babysitting

1148184569_5086.jpgStrapped for cash? Gas prices giving you blues? Can’t afford a babysitter?

Try a cage!

A Florida mother has been jailed for 20 years for keeping her teenage adopted son in a cage. The 17-year-old weighed 22kg (3st 7lb) when child welfare workers found him in 2005. He suffered from severe medical and emotional problems and his mother, Brenda Sullivan, told a judge at the time that authorities told her to keep the boy in a crib.
But in January she pleaded guilty to three counts of aggravated child abuse. Prosecutors agreed to drop lesser child neglect charges. “There’s only one conclusion when you look at the medical evidence in this case, and that is that she literally starved him,” said prosecutor Julie Schlax. Sullivan’s husband was also arrested but died in January 2007 while awaiting trial.
Two other children, 13-year-old twins the couple adopted as infants, testified that they were also kept in similar cages.

Probably should’ve gotten the poor kid a hamster wheel.

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The Daily Memo - 5/23/08, Take Two

Seems I labeled yesterday’s Daily Memo as being the 5/23 Daily Memo. Guess it was just wishful thinking that it was Friday already. But now it is Friday! Hot diggity.

check.jpgA co-exec producer of “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is suing A&E over money he says the network owes him. “Where’s my five million dollars?!” (Reality Blurred)

check.jpgStupid New Jersey Senators … the Giants are a New York team, don’t you know? Even though they play in Jersey. It’s right in their name, man. (ESPN)

check.jpgBone up on your Roman history, filibuster style. (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgWhy yes, Mr. Bush, that’s fucking fascinating. (Legal Antics)

check.jpgInteresting — a new website is looking to be the Watchmen for PTO examiners. (USPTO Examiners via Patently-O)

check.jpgA Texas court has said that the state was out of bounds in seizing all the polygamy compound kids. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgNice — a Florida judge is recommending that douchebag Jack Thompson be found guilty on a whole mess of misconduct counts. (WWdN: In Exile)

check.jpgEver wonder how Congress gets legislation over to the White House? Slate’s got your answers. (Slate)

Heeeeeere I come, to sue the daaaaaaay!

mighty-mouse.jpgSome company called Man & Machine has filed a lawsuit against Apple and CBS. The fight is over computer mice. Seems that Man & Machine started selling a mouse it called “Mighty Mouse” back in ‘04 — it’s waterproof and chemical-resistant, so it’s good for labs, hospitals and the like. But last year, CBS licensed it’s Mighty Mouse trademark to Apple, which then started using the term in connection with its own mice. And Man & Machine is having none of it.

Trademarks, goods and services, PTO oppositions, blah blah blah. Whatever with all that. The real reason I wrote-up the story was as an excuse for this:

…You’re missed Andy.

Johnny McCain likes the gays. Totally.

mccain.jpgMcCain was on Ellen Degeneres’ show yesterday to tell her to her face that he doesn’t dig the idea that she’s planning to marry her girlfriend Portia di Rossi. While he’s previously said he’s also against civil unions, however, he couldn’t resist the chance to pander at least a little bit and throw Ellen a bone (not that she’s into that — that’s the whole point!):

Well, my thoughts are that I think people should be able to enter into legal agreements, and I think that is something that we should encourage, particularly in the case of insurance and other areas, decisions that have to be made. I just believe in the unique status of marriage between man and woman.


Meanwhile, Chuck Hagel thinks McCain is saying some stupid shit. Personally, I think “I just believe in the unique status of marriage between man and woman” is a great example of saying some stupid shit.

That’s one small step for man, one giant — hey, get off my moonrock patch! …Damn kids.

fullmoon.jpgThe June issue of Popular Mechanics has an interesting article about property rights on the moon. Since 1967’s Outer Space Treaty, nations can’t lay claim to lunar property, but that says nothing about individual private rights. Thirteen countries have signed a Moon Treaty, which does prohibit private ownership rights, but none of the major players in space travel are signatories. So no help there either.

I won’t spoil the rest of the article — if you’re interested, you can go read it. And while we’re talking space, I wanna throw a link out to a great write-up over at Bad Astronomy about astronomers having witnessed the actual kablooey moment of a supernova. Back in my “I’m gonna be an astrophysicist” days, my career was moving towards the study of dying stars, particularly supernovas and pulsars. So I find this story fascinating, and I figure certain select nerds will appreciate reading out this pretty fantastic discovery.

Ok, Science Friday is over. Sorry about that.

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If at First You Don’t Succeed, Idiot

apgar.jpgYou’d think that arrest, jail, the threat of death, and a previous amputation might deter a man from naked wrangling an alligator, but you’d be wrong:

Adrian Apgar, the infamous naked gator wrangler, was arrested Monday and charged with failing to report for a scheduled court date. He was originally charged with trespassing, exposure of sexual organs and breach of the peace in March when deputies found him scratched up, naked and wading toward an alligator in a pond at Saddle Creek Park in Lakeland.
But that wasn’t Apgar’s first run-in with the reptiles.
In November 2006, the same deputies rescued Apgar from the jaws of an alligator in Lake Parker. That gator wrangle left him with a partially amputated arm. The gator also took out several chunks from his side and buttocks.

One word, folks: Florida.

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Read It and Weep. Literally.


A man left in excruciating pain after a vasectomy operation has won the right to claim up to £1 million compensation for medical negligence. Daniel Stalker, 51, said he complained three times that the anesthetic had not taken effect but, despite his pleas, the doctor proceeded with the operation.
Mr Stalker, a former soldier, suffered a nerve injury and later agreed to the drastic measure of having his testes removed, but this failed to alleviate the constant pain he has experienced since the operation 12 years ago.

The good news? He’s got a great falsetto now.

Narcissistic Much?

head-up-ass.jpgApparently, earlier this week, Senator Hillary Clinton — who most people have had enough sense to ignore over the last couple of weeks — decided to say something that simply can’t be ignored — she compared seating the Florida and Michigan delegates to the struggle to free the slaves and procure the right to vote for blacks and women.

The difference, I suppose, is that the slaves weren’t fucking United States Senators with more than $100 million in the bank. And I hope to God that Hillary Clinton doesn’t warrant a goddamn Civil War.

Earth to Hillary: Remove your head from your ass. :)

How Great Would This Look on Black Velvet?


The open-shirt, glistening chest of Obama is a nice touch, but the unicorn? Now, that’s just going too far.

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The Daily Memo - 5/23/08

check.jpgThe Ninth Circuit may not want to ask, but you should tell them how fabulous you are anyway. (Law.com)

check.jpgAh, the statute of limitations for filing a lawsuit…. (LawInfo)

check.jpgSeems fiar to me — he’s a regular Honorable King David. (Legal Antics)

check.jpgAlabama, what do you have against Archie the dog? (Supreme Dicta)

check.jpgChuck Hagel loves him some Obama. (The Huffington Post)

check.jpg…Seriously people, I’m trashed as I write this, so I apologize for any druken blogger typos that pop into the mix.

Dammit, there is a delete button for a reason!

delete_button.jpgJust a day or two after I reported about one dumbass who left child porn on a stolen computer, this comes up in my inbox.

Adam Ward, 33, had just went through a divorce, and now fell behind on payments to his ex-wife. In an effort to get him to pay up, she took his computer. So Adam did what any reasonable person would do: he called the cops.

According to the arrest report, Ward told an investigator that his wife wanted the money that they had agreed on during divorce proceedings. According to Ward his wife said she had all of his computer files and would turn them over. When the investigator asked what was on the files, Ward told him they contained child pornography.
Several days later, investigators searched Ward’s computers and found numerous images of child pornography. When confronted Ward admitted that he had what he called ‘inappropriate material’ and had tried to delete the files after his wife threatened him.
Ward was arrested on 12 counts of possession of child pornography. Investigators said that due to the nature of the images on the computers they asked the judge to double Ward’s bond to $150,000.

No, you didn’t read it wrong. He called the cops and told them there was child porn on there. So no one can say he is a liar on top of everything else. Neither he or his ex seem to have much sense between them in my opinion. At least she had a plan (though why she couldn’t just report him for failing to pay court-ordered monies still mystifies me), and didn’t expect the guy to rat himself out.

By the way, can you guess what state he is from?

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A dead man can’t complain

barnes-foundation.jpgIt’s hard to say that anyone is more influential on a person than their parents, but I had a professor and friend in undergrad who comes mighty damn close. I think she’s the single smartest person I’ve ever met. Not book smart — though she was — as much as she just gets things. She’s funny and insightful and well-rounded and I’ve always said if she were a couple decades younger, I would try to, as my grandparents might say, court her.

Anyway, I took a class of hers senior year called “Art, Gender and Ritual” — the kind of shit I never would’ve cared about in college, or probably even now, but for her. And as a result of that class, I learned about the Barnes Foundation, an absolutely fantastic little art institute/museum on the outskirts of Philly. Really cool place. And since the mid-90’s, it’s been involved in a major legal mess. This is because the founder, Albert Barnes (in whose house the institute now resides) set up a detailed trust about how shit would be handled after he died, including that they couldn’t change things around, they had to severely limit admissions, they couldn’t lend out the exhibits or take them on tour, etc.

It’s a fascinating story that is ever-ongoing (Art Held Hostage is an excellent book about the trial and tribulations, through 2003), and I was reminded of it earlier this week thanks to an update post over at the Wills, Trust & Estates Prof Blog, written in light of the most recent judicial opinion. Sadly, it seems that things are moving forward with plans to move the foundation to downtown Philly, around the Philly Art Museum. Great for tourism, great for meaning that more folks will get to see the Foundation and its art, but sad because it’s so against what Barnes wanted and what he stood for from an art and aesthetic perspective.

All of which is to say, if you’re ever in Philly and can get yourself to the Barnes Foundation (even if it has to be at its eventual new home on the Ben Franklin Parkway), do it.

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Sumertime, and the living’s easy…

summer-associates.jpgGod bless summer associates! I’m writing this at about 12:30 in the morning, when I should be sleeping so I can get up all early tomorrow morning (today morning, as you likely read this, and continue working on a brief, but it was just to difficult leaving the bar when I knew I could chit my credit card bill for booze to the firm since there were summer associates there (yes, I was the most “senior” attorney from the firm there, scary as hell as it might to think that I’m “senior” to anyone).

The point of the story being, there are some perks to working at BigLaw, and it’s not all just about killing babies, though that’s a nice added bonus!

…We have another summer associate happy hour tomorrow night, so while I can’t make any promises, you may just get another random rambling from me tomorrow. God bless the summer associates, god bless them everyone.

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Rep. Henry Waxman Loses His Shit …

The reservoir of rage is unleashed at around the 2:00 mark, but the first two minutes do provide some much-needed context. And I have to say, given the evasive, bullshit answers that Waxman was getting, I think he was a little reserved, considering the circumstances.

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Vegas Assembly Woman Stabs Husband — Shoe-In for Re-Election

francisallenvegas.jpgI’m sorry, but this lady rocks. I would totally vote for her. Twice. But I probably wouldn’t marry her.

State Assemblywoman Francis Allen faces a felony charge of stabbing her new husband in the arm with a steak knife and then telling him to call his mother after he asked for help with the wound, according to a police report.
The Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department report says the Republican assemblywoman and her husband of seven weeks, Paul Maineri, got into an argument over the weekend at their home and Maineri was stabbed in the left forearm. Maineri drove himself to a hospital, where his wound was closed with three stitches. Allen told police Maineri cut himself, and when Maineri realized Allen faced arrest he tried to say the same thing, the report adds.

Talk about whipped, man. Not that I blame him — Ms. Allen is scary — scary-sexy.

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Want Change? Write Your Local Elected Representative. Or Choke Him. Whichever.

chokeaimmigrant.jpgHe hates the immigrants. He really hates the immigrants!

A Parkville man charged with threatening in an e-mail to “choke the life out of” Gov. Martin O’Malley has been freed from house detention. However, a Baltimore County judge ordered Tuesday that Walter Abbott cannot possess a gun or be within 500 feet of the governor. Abbott was arrested in March, hours after state police say he sent an e-mail to the governor’s official Web site threatening him with strangulation. He is charged with threatening a public official and conveying a threat.
Police say Abbott disagreed with the governor’s position on immigration. Abbott’s wife, Linda, has said her husband, a construction worker, believes he is losing work to illegal immigrants.

I’m guessing he’s not losing work to immigrants as much as he’s losing work because he’s a goddamn psycho-homicidal freak. There’s just not enough openings for crazy people in the construction industry anymore.

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The Daily Memo - 5/21/08

check.jpgPaper money hates blind people! (Supreme Dicta)

check.jpgSorry Judge Posner, I know you’re a smart and important judge guy and all that, but I’m quite happy with my procrastinating ways. (Above the Law)

check.jpg“Is the government compiling a secret list of citizens to detain under martial law?” (Radar Online)

check.jpgThe Scalia says courtrooms aren’t cocktail parties. All the more reason I think they need to add an open bar, damn it! (Law.com)

check.jpgLittle bitty regional cell phone carriers are asking the FCC to ban exclusive phone deals, so they can get them some iPhones. (Gizmodo)

check.jpgA New York judge agrees that giving a teacher noogies should get a student a nine day suspensions. Purprle nurples? The jury is still out. (Law.com)

Sounds hilarious

laughing-smurf.jpgThree employees at Millstone BBQ, in Ohio, have been charged with unlawful restraint after pulling a “prank” on a co-worker. When Rochelle Crockett showed up late for work, she was put into a storage shed, and the three employees (including at least one of management level) beat on the shed and antagonized her.

Crockett’s attorney says Crockett was locked in for 20 minutes while this went on, while the employees say she wasn’t locked in and it was only for about three minutes. They also say she knew it was a joke and came out of the shed laughing. Crockett’s lawyer says Crockett wasn’t so amused, and went to the hospital with panic attacks.

This all comes down to how long she was really in there for. Because three-to-five minutes of torture is just good fun. Five-to-ten minutes … mildly inappropriate. Anything more than that, totally over the top.

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braveheart.jpgAm I nay speaking English, laddie? Then why canna the wee little court transcriber handle doin her job propa’ly? I dinnae get all dressed up in me finest kilt to come down and here testify just for her to go gettin the words wrong, aye. Ach!

Don’t you know who I am, brother?

hulkster.jpg“I’m the Hulkster, brother! And when I come into court to testify, my word is bond. And you better watch out brother, because this is my word — when you ask the Hulkster to take off his trademark bandanna and testify with his thinning hair exposed to the world, well that’s when the Hulkster and his Hulkamaniacs will run wild on you brother!”

Thankfully, when the Hulkster was recently in court testifying on his son’s behalf, this speechifying didn’t come to pass because the court didn’t bother to ask him to remove his bandanna, even though head coverings generally aren’t allowed in the courtroom. They say it was because he came in late and there was lots going on. I say it’s cause they were afraid of what the Hulkster would unleash. Brother.

The Anti-Smoking Crazies Go Overboard

antimsok.jpgIn at least one county in Florida, government workers not only suffer from Florida-itis, but their misery will now be compounded by nicotine deprivation:

Smokers looking for work need not apply with the Sarasota County government. On Monday, a tobacco-free hiring policy went into affect for all new job applicants. The policy requires anyone applying for a job with the county to acknowledge that they have not smoked in the last 12 months. All applicants will also be screened for tobacco use during a new-hire physical exam.
If the screening indicates the applicant has the presence of nicotine above a specified amount, the applicant will not be considered for a job. Sarasota County adopted this new policy after years of research revealed the negative effects of nicotine in the workplace. According to the 1997-2001 study, cigarette smoking was responsible for billions in health-related economic losses and a drain on productivity.

You know what else causes “billions in health-related economic losses and a drain on productivity?” Fat people. Why doesn’t Sarasota County prohibit employees from eating fast food, then?

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Common Sense Lesson #158

urinate.jpgDon’t pee on old people.

The mother of a 13-year-old autistic boy who was banned by a court order from attending services at a Roman Catholic church in Bertha, Minn., woke up Sunday determined to take her son to mass.
But Carol Race changed her mind when Todd County Sheriff Pete Mikkelson met her at the end of her driveway Sunday and told her she would be arrested if she brought her son, Adam, into the Church of St. Joseph.She is scheduled to appear in court today over a citation she received last week for violating the restraining order by taking Adam to church on Mother’s Day.
The Rev. Daniel Walz, who did not return calls left at the Church of St. Joseph parish office, wrote in court documents that Adam’s behavior was “extremely disruptive and dangerous.” He alleged that Adam, who is more than 6 feet tall and weighs over 225 pounds, spits and urinates in church and has nearly injured children and elderly people.

Not included in the article are unsubstantiated reports that the overly litigious church is also suing an Alzheimer’s patient for forgetting to bring donuts to coffee hour.

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If All Else Fails, Aim for a Mistrial

uglydude.jpgWhat do you do if your defense isn’t going well, and you think it’s your lawyer’s fault? Beat the hell out of two birds with one stone:

William E. Lehman didn’t like the way his trial was going, saying he thought his court-appointed lawyer had “sabotaged” his defense. So he beat him up.
Lehman, 58, of Chisholm, Minn., who was on trial for assault, had asked the judge for a new attorney. The judge said no. After everyone returned from a break, Lehman attacked public defender Mark Groettum from behind, locking his arm around his neck and punching him repeatedly in the face. A chair was knocked over, and both men ended up on the floor. “Blood was all over Groettum, the counsel table and the floor of the courtroom,” according to a court document.
And it all happened in front of the jury, the judge and all the others in the Hibbing courtroom.

This way, he gets a new trial and a new lawyer (plus a few extra charges, which is just the price of doing business).

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The Daily Memo - 5/20/08

check.jpgHow do the state courts rank up against each other? (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgThe SEC is bringing it to a bunch of former AOL execs. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgGetting out of Jury Duty 101. (Legal Antics)

check.jpgCould the Supremes be getting a pile of circumcision coming their way? (Supreme Dicta)

check.jpgIs it better for law students to read edited or unedited judicial opinions? …Depends on the opinions and the course, no? (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgThe Supremes say “no thanks” to kiddy porn. (NY Times)

check.jpgBut they love themselves some Kentucky municipal bonds. (WSJ)

check.jpgA Dallas jury has sentenced the fucknut who hocked HIV loogies at folks to 35 years in the clink. (WSJ Law Blog)

Identity Crisis


There’s this company called LifeLock which claims it can protect your identity from all the identity thieving folks out there. And CEO Richard Todd Davis was so confident of his company’s ability that he revealed his Social Security number to the masses just to show how not-worried he was about what people could do with it, with LifeLock on the watch.

Well now a class action lawsuit has been filed against LifeLock claiming false advertising. Among other things, the lawsuit claims that LifeLock couldn’t even keep its CEO’s identity safe:

While LifeLock has only publicly acknowledged that Davis’ identity was compromised on one occasion, there are more than 20 driver’s licenses that have been fraudulently obtained [using his personal information].
Furthermore, a simple background check performed using Davis’ Social Security number reveals that his entire personal profile has been compromised to the extent that the birth date associated with his Social Security number is Nov. 2, 1940, which would [inaccurately] make Davis 67 years old.

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It’s no Wade Blasingame commercial, but it’s not bad

Thomas Goldstein is the founder of SCOTUSblog and he currently heads up Akin Gump’s Supreme Court group. From Above the Law I found this little video he’s posted, in the vein of the “have you been hit by a car” lawyer commercials and, for what it is, particularly given that it’s coming from a lawyer (who we all know are comedy geniuses!), it’s amusing enough:

Dang! Foiled again!

vaio.jpgMark Baxter had a plan. He was going to scam his local Circuit City by buying a new Sony VAIO, and then returning the box with his old computer inside. Pretty sneaky, really. Except that he forgot they had his credit card on file.

But the idiocy didn’t stop there, ladies and gents. You see, once the police recovered the merchandise, they wanted to make sure it was still functional.

When [Detective Greg] Kneiss checked the new Sony computer to make sure it hadn’t been tampered with, he found several child porn videos, according to court records.
After examining the computer, the state Attorney General’s Office Computer Forensic Unit found 43 videos of child pornography.

He was arrested and charged with felony counts of sexual abuse of children, criminal use of a communication facility and misdemeanor charges of theft and receiving stolen property.

So, unless Sony has taken factory-installed bundles to some very dark places, Mark’s “genius” plan has bit him in the ass several times over.

McCain Still Leads All Candidates in Sense of Humor

For those of you who missed “SNL” this weekend, you didn’t miss much. Despite it being the season finale, and despite the fact that Steve Carrell hosted, there were only two good skits in the entire show. And both, believe it or not, featured John McCain. And they were political bliss.

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Get Up, Stand Up

chiroux.jpgMatthis Chiroux has been in the army for almost six years, having worked his way up to sergeant. He’s done several foreign tours, including in Afghanistan, and he’s slated to go to Iraq next month. Except he’s not going because, as he explained to Congress last week, he believes we’re involved in an illegal war:

I stand before you today with the strength and clarity and resolve to declare to the military, my government and the world that this soldier will not be deploying to Iraq,…. My decision is based on my desire to no longer continue violating my core values to support an illegal and unconstitutional occupation… I refuse to participate in the Iraq occupation.

His testimony followed that of several other Army and Marine folk who have already done Iraq tours and were there to tell Congress about the troubles this war has caused, from “lawless murders, looting and the abuse of countless Iraqis” to the breaking of soldiers upon their return, leading to anxiety and self-medication.

Chiroux isn’t technically AWOL yet, since he isn’t supposed to report again until June 15. But as of mid-July, he’ll be deemed a deserter, and he’s not planning to run off to Canada as others do, but intends to face whatever the Army throws his way. Good luck, buddy, ‘cause I suspect you’ll need it.

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Beef Jerky Bandits Crazy about Dried Meat!

Img68.jpgIt’s not theft if the cashier won’t take your goddam money. Right?

A man stole three packages of beef jerky from a Fill Ups Food Store on Monday, then chased down the witnesses with his wife before lawmen caught them.
[Leigh Stephen Cann Jr., 22, and his wife, 26-year-old Shannon Kelly Cann,] were at the Fill Ups on Harbor Boulevard when he stole the jerky. They threatened witnesses in the parking lot and then chased them when they fled — all the way to the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s station on Stahlman Avenue, where he punched through their car’s window and made verbal threats while she began punching one witness, according to their arrest reports.
A deputy pulled them over at Palmetto Drive and Azalea Drive, where Leigh Cann said, “I attempted to pay for the beef jerky but that [expletive] clerk would not take my money,” the deputy wrote. Shannon Cann resisted arrest and struck the deputy during the arrest.

I can attest to this fact: Sometimes, when you’re trying to step into a Slim Jim, there is a tendency to get carried away.

The Daily Memo - 5/19/08

check.jpgThe Motherboard Wars are impending, as ASUS is planning to sue Gigabyte for defamation and a disinformation campaign. (Engadget)

check.jpgA delivery man is back in court trying get a bite of $156 million he says Howard Hughes promised him after the man rescued the reclusive, crazy billionaire. (LawInfo)

check.jpgA wife is suing her husband for a piece of his $600K lottery winnings. (WT&E Prof Blog)

check.jpgWhat could the DOJ wind up looking like this time next year? (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgA Senate panel has approved a bill which would allocate over $1 billion (over eight years) to fight online kiddy porn and other related crimes. (News.com)

check.jpgSome Senators are asking the FBI to explain some subpoena shenanigans related to the Internet Archive. (Wired)

check.jpgHere’s 10 ways you might be breaking the law with your computer right now! (TechRepublic)

check.jpgOur long national nightmare is over folks! The two year ban against foie gras in Chicago has been repealed. (Chicago Sun-Times)

Aw, leave the poor old guy alone…

Sure, the Straight Talk Express might take a detour every once and while, but that’s just so we can enjoy the scenery.

The QuizLaw Mailbag

mailbag.jpgGot a few links in the ol’ mailbag last week which I didn’t have time to get to. Stupid real world job, and all that. So let’s get ‘em now.

First, a publicist for the Washington Post sent a link to a story about how our wonderful government forcibly drugs some folks getting deported so that they’ll be nice and sedated for their going away trip. The “pre-flight cocktail” is an antipsychotic drug that leaves some folks so conked out that they have to be boarded on a wheelchair. I can’t say this is surprising, since detainees waiting for deportation have less “rights” than us citizen types, and the Bush government doesn’t give a flick about our rights to begin with, let alone the rights of some detainees. But it doesn’t make it any less appalling. And my favorite part of the article is where it talks about how the government recruits the nurses that travel with sedated deportees by using newsletters asking things like: “Do you ever dream of escaping to exotic, exciting locations?” …I love our government.

Next up, reader Julie V. sent us a link to an awesome story about a Texas 13-year-old who’s been convicted of fraud for using his father’s credit card to order hookers as a celebration for winning a “World of Warcraft” tournament. Which, as Julie points out, is even more awesome when you look at the end of the story, which concludes with the fact that the kid’s “ambition is to one day become a politician.”

And lastly, reader Eric O. sends us a link to what he calls the “best Chris Matthews moment since Zell Miller.” If you missed this last week, Matthews had it out with Kevin James, who’s some right wing radio host. You can read about it over at The Huffington Post, and you can watch it right here (I love how Matthews is so amused that he just keeps falling into silent laughter):

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In Case You Missed It Department

What the hell was Mike Huckabee thinking? Anybody? Anybody? In what context could that have possibly been an amusing joke? What’s even more frightening is, if you listen, you can hear the audience chuckle. As in, “Ha ha! Racially-charged political assassination is hilarious!” Because it’s fun to crack wise about the first black president taking a bullet to the head!

You know what else is funny? Nooses!


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Well I’m glad that’s over

astrology.jpgI’ve been sick of all this election business, so I’m glad we can put this puppy to bed early thanks to the fine astrologers who are currently attending the United Astrology Conference. More than 1,500 professional whack jobs showed up for the convention and, tomorrow, they’ll be concluding the convention with a panel predicting who is going to be our next president.

[Astrologer Shelley] Ackerman and others insist their profession’s work is as accurate, if not more so, than many polls. They note pollsters wrongly predicted Obama winning New Hampshire’s Democratic primary.
“With astrology, I guess, there’s just more to it,” Ackerman said.

Yes, polls are inaccurate. But that doesn’t suddenly legitimize you and your whack job “it’s all in the stars and in when folks were born” hokum.

“We are part of a cycle of nature, between the sun and the moon, the planets and the stars,” Ackerman said. Then she paused to reflect on the current world situation.
“It’s funny how in this age of reason, we’ve gotten unreasonable. We have gotten out of touch with our own natural rhythms of heaven and earth.”

While it’s a bit too touchy/feely for me, I can deal with the notion of getting in touch with nature, trying to Zen it out. But that’s still a far cry from saying that because Mars was in such-and-such position when McCain was born back in the stone age, that he’ll be the next president. Because my star chart tells me that astrology is whack.

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Race Card 101

kwame06.jpgKwame Kilpatrick, representing Detroit in the Mayoral Sex Scandal Olympics, has been fighting all kinds of attacks due to his not-really-that-secret affair and subsequent horrible attempt at perjury.

Feeling quite oppressed, Kwame has recently decided to pull that most dignified of defenses: the race card:

“In the past 30 days, I’ve been called a nigger more than any time in my entire life.”

But there is a problem with that claim. Considering that the mayor has rarely been seen in public except for specially selected positive audiences, who is getting close enough to use that horrendous epithet? So the Detroit Metro Times, truly concerned and not at all cynical, decided to investigate. What they found was that Mr. Mayor has a very weird idea of pillow talk.

Since filing our FOIA, however, it turns out that someone actually was caught calling Kwame a variation of the N-word. And he called them the same right back.
Within the past few weeks, the judge presiding over felony perjury and obstruction cases being brought against Kilpatrick and former chief of staff/paramour Christine Beatty ordered the release of documents containing details from text messages that hadn’t yet been published by the Freep.
A brief previously written by Mike Stefani, the lawyer representing three whistle-blowing cops, revealed that text messages allegedly sent between Kwame and Christine show them lovingly calling each other “nigga,” or sometimes, just to mix things up, he’d charmingly refer to her as his “nigette.”

You learn something new everyday.

But wait a sec. What if this wasn’t a race card, but Kwame’s passive aggressive way of bragging about his sex life? Cheeky bastard.

Sometimes the Universe just works with you

Emmanuelle-Chriqui3.jpgYesterday, Dustin posted some wonderful pics of Emmanuelle Chriqui over on sister site Webster’s Is My Bitch. And I love Ms. Chirqui, and I love those pictures. And I thought to myself, “sexist-pig-self, how the hell can I find an excuse to get those pictures on QuizLaw? Because nothing says ‘happy weekend’ to me like those pictures.”

And lo, the Universe did answer, for mere hours later, I stumbled upon this story about those self-same pictures:

Emmanuelle Chriqui’s photo shoot with GQ magazine got so steamy that Malibu police came by just to make sure things remained tasteful.
The ‘You Don’t Mess With the Zohan’ actress explains the scenario as such: “I’m topless, and this cop car pulls up.” What did the officer ask the photographer? “‘Could you make sure that her areolas aren’t showing?’”

Pervy cops? That’s totally a QuizLaw-type subject — thank you Universe! And with that, let’s look at some pictures….





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Democrats Want Turd Blossom’s Ass

karl-rove.jpgYesterday, John Conyers, high ranking Michigan representative, told two people — as heard by The Crypt — that they were closing in on Karl Rove:

“Someone’s got to kick his ass.
Asked a few minutes later for a more official explanation, Conyers told us that Rove has a week to appear before his committee. If he doesn’t, said Conyers, “We’ll do what any self-respecting committee would do. We’d hold him in contempt. Either that or go and have him arrested.”
Conyers said the committee wants Rove to testify about his role in the imprisonment of former Alabama Gov. Don Siegelman, among other things. “We want him for so many things, it’s hard to keep track,” Conyers said

This is like the Yankees beating the Red Sox in an exhibition spring training game the spring after the Sox won the World Series. As in, so fucking what? You know what, Democrats — you had your chance to take down Rove — I mean, really take him down — and you blew it. Many times. Now, it’s time to leave the guy alone. He won. You lost. Let it go.

And you know what else I’ve just realized? While I loathe Karl Rove, I loathe him the same way I loathe Scalia or the way I would’ve reviled the Patriots if they’d gone 19-0, with begrudging respect. (Of course, since the Pats lost, I have no respect for them — just loathing).

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Judge Encourages Suicide; Wins My Heart

suicideout.jpgThis gal should give motivational speeches at area high schools:

Michigan District Court Judge Brian MacKenzie said Wednesday his office still is looking into comments made April 10 by Judith Holtz.
Holtz had told Michael Robert Dickey of Farmington Hills that it would be cheaper, faster and less painful for the people who cared about him if he took his own life. Court transcripts obtained by WXYZ-TV in Detroit show Holtz suggested Dickey jump from the roof of his house or slash his wrists as she chastised the 20-year-old for a third charge involving alcohol. He was being sentenced for being a minor in possession.

The Daily Memo - 5/16/08

check.jpgLawyers write bad? That’s unpossible! (Law.com)

check.jpgI’m happy to live in a state that now recognizes gay marriage… (LA Metblogs)

check.jpg…Although it might be a short-lived kind of thing. (Slate)

check.jpgAw, my boy Charles Barkley, the Round Mound himself, got himself into some gambling-related trouble (for those who are unaware, Barkley fucking gambles more in a night than you’ll make over the course of years). (SI)

check.jpgLori Drew has been indicted over the MySpace suicide. (LAist)

check.jpgMy god, Jay Leno would be a more competent president. (Legal Antics)

Ah, the police — you gotta love ‘em

chief-wiggum.jpgSo Car and Driver posted this little list of things to do and not do when you get pulled over by a cop. Pretty standard fare — don’t get out of the car, do what the cops ask, be calm and respectful, etc.

The interesting part for me comes from a discussion of one of the things not to do: “Don’t slam on your brakes when you see the flashing lights, and don’t continue driving for an extended distance.” Trooper Larry Coggins (Florida, natch) says this about the issue:

Motorists should try to put themselves in my place. Just because I stopped a guy for speeding, it still runs through my mind that he might be fleeing a crime scene, might be a wanted fugitive, impaired, a kidnapper with a body in the trunk, a carjacker who hasn’t been called in yet—I just don’t know.

Yup. Everyone he pulls over, he thinks about how they might be a fugitive or transporting a dead body. Absolutely the right mind frame for a cop to be in each and every time he interacts with the civilian populace.

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Coke Smuggling 101

coke.jpgWhen you’re driving a semi truck loaded up with 18 pounds of coke, make sure you have a license plate on the truck. I mean, don’t give the cops a reason to pull you over, you know?

Leave no teacher’s sexual misconduct behind

teacher.jpgThe California Senate has passed a bill which would allow teachers to be suspended where they have had their license revoked in another state because of sexual misconduct. And yes, right now, there’s a nice little loophole that kinda keeps this as a current grounds for suspension, at least for a while.

The AP’s investigation last year found 2,570 educators nationwide whose teaching credentials had been revoked, denied, surrendered or sanctioned following allegations of sexual misconduct. The investigation covered the years 2001 through 2005.

And who says our education system is broken?

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Elections rule, don’t they?


(Yesterday’s Non Sequitur, from Go Comics.)

Back in My Day…

cell-phone.jpgOk, not to get all “old manish” here, but these NYC parents are ridiculous. The city’s public schools issued a ban, back in 2005, on cell phones. It was part of a revision to the school system’s disciplinary code and the ban was to try to cut down on cheating and in-class distractions. Makes sense.

But some parents were pissed off because this means there’s no instant line of communication between them and their kids. The horror!

So they went to court, and a state judge recently said “shut up and deal,” finding the ban’s positives outweigh any negatives. The parents are planning to appeal this ruling.

I mean, seriously. I know we’ve all gotten used to the instant communication of the modern technology age, but back when I was in school, everyone managed to get along just fine without being able to instantly call the ‘rents at the drop of a dime. Somehow, I think these kids will be just fine too. The parents? I’m not so sure.

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Kick Me In the Nuts! (Take Two)

kick-in-the-nuts.jpgA couple of months ago, we reported on a Canadian man who would corner strangers in a park and ask them to kick him in the nads as hard as they could, which this guy apparently got his own kick out of. Well, the newest sex craze in North America has now crossed the Atlantic.

David Aston, 32, would lay a towel down to keep his clothes clean then make the youngsters boot him until he could not bear the pain. The court heard of two occasions when married Aston drove girls aged 13 to 15 to woods near Bicester, Oxon, after contacting one online in 2006.
He had oral sex with the 15-year-old both times before two, then three girls kicked him. He drove them home in his Honda Civic, paying two girls £10 and one a bottle of whisky, Oxford Crown Court heard. Cops investigated when he complained one was pestering HIM for sex.

Rough Sex a Little Too Rough

360341552_7632326c49.jpgHere’s a valuable lesson, folks: Knives, alcohol, and sex don’t mix:

A Winnipeg woman who accidentally plunged a knife into her boyfriend’s chest during a drunken bout of rough sex received a three-year conditional discharge yesterday. “Hospital staff thought he was going to die, he was very close to death,” said Crown attorney Larry Allan, adding the man has fully recovered. Allan said the man and woman had been drinking heavily and were engaged in “rough sex activities” when the man requested she “carve artwork” into his chest.
“He said they engaged in dangerous play, and due to her intoxication, was not precise with the knife and punctured his heart,” Allan said. The man told police the stabbing was an accident and that the two routinely cut and scratched each other with knives. The man showed police several wounds, including a heart-shaped scar on his back featuring the woman’s initials.

Well, at least she wasn’t using a chainsaw.

The Daily Memo - 5/15/08

check.jpgDolly Parton may sue Howard Stern because of his amusingly NSFW edits of her audio book. (Defamer)

check.jpgDustin and I had a property professor who was a notorious Celtics fan, so we knew that people in our exam who were named after Lakers players were guilty as hell. (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgDon’t gossip in the workplace just cause it might be defamation? Pshaw! (LawInfo)

check.jpgMmmmm … pomegranate juice. (43(B)log)

check.jpgBut what goes with a good sandwich better than some sex? Stupid Pennsylvania court. (Supreme Dicta)

Dude, I would totally watch “Mind of Scalia”

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Andy Dufresne is shaking his head

andy-dufresne.jpgAcross the pond, prisoner Paul Wright made a daring jailbreak. He was being escorted to a secure cell when he managed to get going:

Wright ran off and jumped over the boundary wall before sprinting across a field pursued by prison staff.
Perth Sheriff Court heard yesterday that a police car arrived at the other side of the field and Wright gave himself up to the officer.
The sheriff told Wright that if he had simply walked out of the front door, he would have been much harder to catch.

In total, Wright was free for about four minutes. Well done, sir.

Rant On, Keith. Rant On.

He’s on top form, again. A little self-indulgent? Sure. Spot on? Absolutely.

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Everything comes down to poo

mr-hankey.jpgIn Connecticut, a woman has filed a $100 claim against the city of Norwalk because her son stepped in dog shit. Kelly DeBrocky and her family were taking an excursion at the aquarium when it all went to pot, thanks to some dog shit. DeBrocky says the shit ruined her 10-year-old kid’s shoe and put a damper on their day, so she wants to be reimbursed for what she spent replacing her kid’s show, and for the costs of parking and admission at the aquarium.

Norwalk’s city attorney has denied the claim saying that “poop happens.”

But whatever with all that. The real reason I wanted to post this story was just to give me yet another reason to embed the following video:

Stephen Colbert Nimbly Justifies Bill O’s Tirade


This Is Why They Should Hand Out Abortions with Packs of Cigarettes

choildsmoking.jpgI have no idea how it happened, but a couple of days ago, when I got home from a car trip where my 10-month old son was being unusually quiet in his car seat, I went to the backseat to let him out and discovered he’d somehow found a tea bag and started chewing on it. He’d only managed to ingest a few tea leaves, but man: I felt like a dipshit parent.

I feel better now:

Two women were arrested at a Greenfield Ponderosa restaurant after allowing a 2-year-old to smoke. According to police: The boy’s 26-year-old mother and 39-year-old aunt were eating at the restaurant last week, when they held a cigarette up to the boy’s mouth and attempted to light it.
The aunt told police that the boy often says “smoke, smoke” and sometimes takes cigarettes out of the pack and puts them in his mouth. The aunt said the mother keeps a rolled up dollar bill in the bedroom, which the child plays with. Anytime the boy has the dollar bill he holds it up to his nose and says, “fix, fix” over and over again.

“Bob Barker signing off, saying ‘Please don’t forget to spay or neuter your White Trash.’”

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This Is How They Scratch Their Back in Texas, Y’all

Worlds_Smallest_Revolver.jpgIf you’re reading it on QL, I’m guessing you already where this is going:

A Fort Worth man trying to scratch an itch on his back used a revolver and accidentally shot himself. Jorge Espinal, 44, was drinking beer and playing poker around 3 a.m. Sunday morning in his home in the 3500 block of Montague Street, when he got up from the table and walked into another room, said Fort Worth police Lt. Kenneth Dean.
“He told officers he had an itch on his back and grabbed the first thing he could get a hold of, which was a revolver,” Lt. Dean said. “The gun went off.” Espinal went back and told his buddies that he shot himself. “They didn’t believe him until they saw the blood coming down his back,” Lt. Dean said.

I guess the question really is, was he at least successful in scratching out that itch?

The Daily Memo - 5/14/08

check.jpgA big ol’ counterfeit ring here in Southern Cali done gone and got themselves busted. (LAist)

check.jpgWait — so it’s bad to drop your pants and ask the judge to blow you? (Above the Law)

check.jpgTwo million bucks a year for “Happy Birthday” royalties? Holy hell, I needs to write me a stupid jingle that everyone will know and sing many times a day. (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgNYC’s high pot arrest rates just might be more about police deception, scams and fraud than good, hard police work. (AlterNet)

check.jpgA PA appellate court isn’t interested in helping the asshat little league coach convicted for trying to bribe a pitcher to hit an autistic batter. (LawInfo)

check.jpgAre summer associates going to have any work to do? Hell, I’ve already got about 4 assignments waiting for fresh little summer associates. (WSJ Law Blog)

This is how it starts people!

drunk-adult.jpgSure, at first its just parents hanging out on the bus that took their kids to high school prom, getting all drunk and committing a misdemeanor of consuming alcohol on school grounds.

But then it’s parents going to visit their kids at college and buying drinks for everyone, and getting drunk and hitting on chicks and such.

Stop the endless cycle now, damn it!

Longtime at Bernie’s

weekend-at-bernies.jpgSeems that Tammy Lewis and Alan Bushey (whom Tammy calls her “superior,” and who goes by the name “Bishop Jon Peter Bushey”) were living with a dead woman in their home for two months. They told the cops that the woman wasn’t “fully dead,” and that prayer was going to fix her right up. Meanwhile, the dead old lady was propped up on a toilet, and Lewis and her kids were using a pail for their bodily functions since, you know, there was a dead lady on the can.

Turns out the cops weren’t so keen on all this, so Lewis’ two kids were taken away to child services, Lewis and the Bishop were arrested, and the dead old lady was presumably hauled off for a proper disposal.

The “not fully dead” business, meanwhile, kinda reminds me of one of my favorite scenes from Monty Python and the Holy Grail:

Hey fatty … way to be fat!

fat-dog.jpgHey, remember that fat fuck inmate in Arkansas I told you about? The one suing folks because he was — god forbid! — losing weight. Remember how he claimed he wasn’t being fed enough? Well he’s now been caught giving food away:

Carter [a guard] stated he witnessed Laswell [the fat fuck inmate] wrap a bologna and mustard sandwich in toilet paper and conceal it against his right thigh while walking to the corner cell.
As Laswell went to slide the sandwich under the cell, Carter got on the intercom and asked him to bring the sandwich to him, according to the report. Laswell immediately began to eat the sandwich.
Laswell stated he was giving away his sandwich but was going to receive another one later. Laswell refused to name the inmate who he was trading with, according to the report.
Soon thereafter Laswell changed his story, saying he was walking around the pod eating the sandwich. He also claimed he was never told by deputies to not trade food.
Inmates are not authorized to trade food amongst themselves, according to the report.

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Racist much?

racist-george.jpgJesus Christ.

That image comes from a T-shirt being hawked by Mike Norman, who owns a bar down in Georgia. He says they’re not supposed to be offensive. He doesn’t think all blacks look like monkeys, just Obama:

We’re not living in the 40’s. Look at him … the hairline, the ears - he looks just like Curious George.

I’ll give you the big ears. But, uhm, dude — even if he looked exactly like Curious George, I mean, what the fuck is the matter with you?

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What’s this bloody “light” thing you speak of, guv’ner?

rave-glowsticks.jpgWell it seems that Kent may just be England’s version of Florida. Dig this:

A police force has sparked fury by admitting it is powerless to break up illegal raves - because it’s too dark when the party is in full swing.


Here’s a Man Who Knows His Priorities

buckle-up-every-time.jpg Hmmm. What’s more important? Baby or beer?

Police in Alice Springs say they were appalled to find a driver put a seatbelt around a carton of beer - but left a five-year-old child unrestrained.
Officers stopped the unregistered sedan on the Ross Highway south of Alice Springs on the weekend.
They found the child sitting in the back seat without a seatbelt, but the driver had put a belt around a slab of beer.

You don’t want your beer shifting all around the car — one little fender bender, and your six pack could shoot through a window and ruin your Friday night.

(This story took place in Australia, and it’s good to see that they’re learning from what us fine Yanks do Stateside. — Seth)

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Man Sues after Passenger Upgrade

tdy_kotb_germs_071023.300w.jpgAfter all the seats are taken on a plane, a passenger was offered the throne:

A New York City man is suing JetBlue Airways Corp. for more than $2 million because he says a pilot made him give up his seat to a flight attendant and sit on the toilet for more than three hours on a flight from California. Gokhan Mutlu, of Manhattan’s Inwood section, says in court papers the pilot told him to “go ‘hang out’ in the bathroom” about 90 minutes into the San Diego to New York flight because the flight attendant complained that the “jump seat” she was assigned was uncomfortable, the lawsuit said.
Initially, Mutlu was told a flight attendant had taken the last seat on the plane, but then he was advised she would sit in the employee “jump seat,” meaning he could have the last seat, the lawsuit said. The pilot told him 1 1/2 hours into the five-hour flight that he would have to relinquish the seat to the flight attendant, court papers say. But the pilot said that Mutlu could not sit in the jump seat because only JetBlue employees were permitted to sit there, the lawsuit said.
When Mutlu expressed reluctance to go sit in the bathroom, the pilot, who was not named in the lawsuit, told him that “he was the pilot, that this was his plane, under his command that (Mutlu) should be grateful for being on board,” the lawsuit said.

You know what, man: The guy should show a little gratitude — do you know how much more leg room there is on the shitter than there is on those tiny airplane seats? It’s not quite first-class, but you get an aisle all to yourself and you don’t have to deal with obnoxious seat meat falling asleep on your shoulder.

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Uhhh. Well. Ummm. Errrr. Hmmmm. How ‘Bout Those Mets?


(Source: APNews)

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It’s Merely a Flesh Wound


(Source: Gocomics)

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The Daily Memo - 5/13/08

check.jpgOh Dahlia, when you mention Homer Simpson in the title of your post, you just know I’m going to throw you a link! (Slate)

check.jpgSpace law? Wait — what? I want a fucking space law degree! (Space.com)

check.jpg“Why do we vote for judges?” (LAist)

check.jpgUhm, no. No sir. There’s no “right way” for a dude to wear a speedo. (Above the Law)

check.jpgTrapped in the Jury Box … at R. Kelly’s trial. (LawInfo)

check.jpg“HEINEKEN” is a trademark for … meat juices? Wait a minute, are we still in the jury box at R. Kelly’s trial?(The TTABlog)

check.jpgIs Stevens working to avoid 5-4 Supreme Court decisions. (MSNBC)

It’s pronounced Eye-gor


(God bless the never ending mugshots of The Smoking Gun.)

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Wait, John McCain is old?

mccain.jpgWith a hat tip to If a TV Falls in the Woods I found out about the amusing blog called Things Younger than Republican Presidential Candidate (Oh, and Did I Forget to Mention “War Hero”) John McCain. It’s … uhm, well yeah. It just an ongoing list of things younger than John McCain. Plutonium, Bugs Bunny, Mount Rushmore, Israel, etc.

You see, McCain’s old. That’s the point here.

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What’s the point of being a judge if you can’t say shit like this?

viagra.jpgA Magistrate Judge in West Virginia is fighting a suspension recently handed down by a judicial panel by going to the state’s Supreme Court. He’s hoping that the WV Supremes don’t mind when judges sexually harass folks from the bench. Because, apparently, Magistrate Alvie Qualls likes him some benchial harassment.

According to a brief filed with the court on behalf of the panel, five women testified at a hearing in February that Qualls made inappropriate sexual comments to them at the courthouse.
One witness testified that Qualls told her that he would need “a gallon of Viagra to keep up with her,” the brief states. He also told her that when he used to work as a constable, women who couldn’t pay for tickets would get out of them by performing oral sex on him, according to the brief.

Actually, I’m tempted to feel a little bad for Judge Qualls, as the 78-year-old has some physical and mental issues, and even spent a hunk of time in March living in the courthouse. Maybe the state Supremes should cut the guy a break and just give him a gallon jug of Viagra, you know? After all, a happy judge is a fair judge.

Message from a Sex Offender

little-children.jpgHi, My name is Paul Laurence Briggs. And sure, I’m a sex offender. But the thing is, you wouldn’t know it, because I beat the system — I didn’t register!

I’m smart like that.

Trouble is, I like the kiddy porn. Love it. Luhrve it! So much so that I keep it on my MP3 player because nothing goes with tunes like naked children.

Actually, the perfect recipe for a good time is one part tunes, one part nekkid kids, and one part Moons Over My Hammy. Which is why I took my kiddy porn MP3 player with me to the Denny’s.

… But, uhm, I left it there. And the manager found my kiddy porn. And the cops played the Denny’s surveillance video on TV, and now everyone knows that I’m an unregistered sex offender and that I like my kiddy porn with a side of Moons Over My Hammy.

I’m gonna rethink this plan when I get out of the clink. I think it still has some flaws.

Man Mistakes Himself for Firestorm; Sets Self On Fire, Dies Before He Can Save the World

225px-Firestorm_raymond.jpgStraight outta Tokyo, this is bizarre, and proves that sometimes the cops are dumber than the criminals:

Hifumi Kubota, 45, was taken for questioning to a police station in the central Japanese city of Nagoya on Saturday after a woman who was living with him told police that he was acting violently. When officers came to his house, “he poured kerosene over himself in front of police,” a police spokesman said.
Kubota refused to change his kerosene-soaked clothes at the police station and asked to smoke during questioning, according to the Yomiuri Shimbun and other Japanese media. Despite no-smoking rules in the building, a police official gave him a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. When Kubota stood up, his right knee was ablaze and he quickly turned into a fireball, the reports said.
The police spokesman declined to give further details, but said Kubota was rushed to hospital where he died Sunday due to burns over a wide area of his body.

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Alas, poor Yorick! I smoked him, Horatio, a fellow of infinite … heh. “Horatio.” Your name has “whore” in it.

hamlet-and-yorick.jpgLast week, three Texas teens were arrested for “decapitating a corpse and using the head to smoke marijuana.” Which is just … uhm … you know, wrong. Seems these three wise men (and there may have been a fourth) dug up an 11-year-old boy who died back in 1921, and the cops don’t know where the poor kid’s noggin is now.

Morbid story, but it’s made all better by Slate, where Arthur Delaney provides a detailed exploration of how, exactly, one might make a bong out of a skull. I mean, how can you go wrong with an article with insight like this: “The disadvantage of this method would be the tendency for the skull bong to roll over when set down.”


And I’m totally naming my next band The Rolling Skull Bongs.

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If You Don’t Vote for Hillary, You’re a Sexist and a Racist

An Oldie but Goodie: Bill O’ in Full-On Unhinged Psycho Mode

NSFW (language) and Awesome!

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The Daily Memo - 5/12/08

check.jpgIsiah Washington has filed a complaint against “Grey’s Anatomy” because they had the gall to use his photo in a fake newspaper article (although, to be fair, it is technically a violation of the show’s contract with SAG). (TV Squad)

check.jpgWell yeah, when I wanted to get info about what law school to go to, I totally thought “CBS Sports!” (Above the Law)

check.jpg“It there a constitutional right to an orgy?” There will be once I become President, I’ll tell you what. (The Cuban Revolution)

check.jpgAnd yeah, I’m all about a constitutional amendment banning the election of fucking morons, too. (Supreme Dicta)

check.jpgBut the real question is, could the Scalia persuade the knickers off a nun? (Slate)

check.jpgSome in Wisconsin, including the Governor, want to make a third DUI conviction a felony, and my only question is, why is it taking so long for folks to toughen up against repeat DUI offenders? (JS Online)

check.jpgWhat’s this world coming to when a comedian can’t give a lady’s breast a high-five without ending up with a harassment charge? (UPI)

“Oh look everybody, a black lady voter!”

This woman has Hillary down pretty damn cold:

Senator Feingold Loves the Bush Administration … Only, It’s a Secret Love

russ-feingold.jpgI love Russ Feingold (D-WI), because he’s one of the few high-ranking Dems who actually speaks his mind and says the shit many of us want to hear. Last Thursday, he published an op-ed in the LA Times bringing it Bush for being so secretive with the law:

It’s a given in our democracy that laws should be a matter of public record. But the law in this country includes not just statutes and regulations, which the public can readily access. It also includes binding legal interpretations made by courts and the executive branch. These interpretations are increasingly being withheld from the public and Congress.
The memos on torture policy that have been released or leaked hint at a much bigger body of law about which we know virtually nothing. The Yoo memo was filled with references to other Justice Department memos that have yet to see the light of day, on subjects including the government’s ability to detain U.S. citizens without congressional authorization and the government’s ability to bypass the 4th Amendment in domestic military operations.
The code of secrecy also extends to yet another body of law: changes to executive orders. The administration takes the position that a president can “waive” or “modify” a published executive order without any public notice — simply by not following it. It’s every president’s prerogative to change an executive order, but doing so without public notice works a secret change in the law. And, because the published order stays on the books, Congress and the public have no idea that it’s no longer in effect. We don’t know how many of these covert changes have been made by this administration or, for that matter, by past administrations.

The money quote is where Feingold notes: “But there’s a big difference between withholding information about military or intelligence operations from the public and withholding the law that governs the executive branch. Keeping the law secret doesn’t enhance national security, but it does give the government free rein to operate without oversight or accountability.” And so Feingold is calling on Congress to pass legislation that would require Bush to bring his “secret” actions to Congress’ attention.

Don’t hold your breath on this one though, because most of Congress doesn’t have the balls of Mr. Feingold.

Where Do the QL Folks Stand on the Obama VP Choice?

obamavp.jpgNow that Barack Obama is pretty much the presumptive nominee, the VP rumors are already starting to swirl. A lot of folks are suggesting that Hillary may be the choice (one that I support, if only because Hillary could be Barack’s Cheney), and given the softer stance that Obama has taken toward his Democratic opponent since Tuesday, I certainly see that as a possibility. The Times Online has already put a top ten list of possible VP choices together, and it’s an intriguing list, though many of the names have no business being on there (Al Gore would never take the position, for instance).

Anyway, for our own edification here at QL, where do the rest of you stand?

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Winslow Friday, You’re on Notice!

colbert-notice-board.jpgRemember that commercial with the American Indian shedding a tear because America isn’t being kept beautiful? (If not, it’s at the end of this post.) Well when a Northern Arapaho Indian shot and killed a bald eagle back in 2005, I picture Stephen Colbert similarly shedding a lone tear of sadness.

Winslow Friday is the Indian in question, and he shot the eagle as a part of his tribe’s Sun Dance, a religious ceremony. And the Tenth Circuit has now ruled that Friday must face criminal charges because, according the Tenth, the trial court was wrong in deciding that the laws protecting eagles violate Native American religious freedoms. Friday will likely appeal this case some more, so it could be some time before he actually faces charges.

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“It’s fun to do bad things”

Recently, upon my return from the promised land of Florida, I told you about a seven-year-old who stole his granny’s SUV for a joy ride. Well here’s a video news report and I gotta say, while I don’t support anything about what this kid did, and while it’s clear that he’s a troubled youth … well, I think I kinda love him. I mean, who doesn’t want to do hood rat stuff with their friends?

No videogames for a whole weekend? Well let’s not get crazy with the punishment suggestions, kid.

(And I apologize for dissing the grandmother in my last post, because I kinda love her too.)

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Congratulations Cornell Class of 2008

graduation_2006.jpgIt’s law school graduation season again, and this year actually has some personal meaning. Having now endured both sides of the law school experience, both as a student and as the spouse of a student, I can safely say that being involved in a relationship with a law student is the more difficult role — there’s a lot less drinking and lot more helplessness. (It also helps to explain why, during Seth and my three years of law school, no one we knew left in the same relationship they came in with). In a way, my wife’s graduation this Sunday feels a lot more earned than my own, seven years ago (hell, I’m old) — I put a lot more effort into her experience than my own, that’s for goddamn sure.

But then again, the wife is a lot smarter than I am and one of the few people who could follow a brutal first year with a pregnant second year and a third year that coincided with the first year of our son’s life. Many congratulations to my wife and the rest of CLS ‘08, who will walk the plank into the shark-infested waters of reality this fall (you may have thought you hated law school, but wait until you’re billing 2100 hours a year).

The same goes for everyone else graduating this spring — we hope your name doesn’t pop up on our pages anytime soon.

And, for good measure, he’s a video a few of the folks from CLS ‘08 put together last year, which just goes to show how much law school dulls the sense of humor (I kid, I kid).

And then, although Cornell may be a smarter school than Boston University, where Seth and I hail from, we are infinitely more cool, as typified in a dance from last year’s BU Legal Follies. Get some:

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He so crazy

Man alive do I love Tom Waits. Too bad there’s no “LA” in “PEHDTSCKJMBA,” cause I’d love to see me some Nighthawks.

Bank Robbers: Officially the Dumbest Class of Criminal

12615794.jpgThis is why we don’t need a Dark Knight — bank robbers have absolutely no common sense:

Charleston City Police have arrested a man suspected of robbing the Federal Credit Union. Police say 41-year-old Carl Lee Mikell gave the teller a note demanding money that was written on the back of his cell phone bill!
Mikell is charged with entering a financial institution with the intent to steal. Police say he walked into the James Island bank around 9:30am Thursday and poured a flammable liquid on the carpet.

Also, I’d like to know what kind of dumbass tries to rob a bank by pouring flammable liquid on the carpet? What the hell is that supposed to accomplish? Oh No! There’s a robber! And he’s gonna torch the rug! Give him all the money!

The Daily Memo - 5/9/08

check.jpgWho watches the Watchmen Office of the Special Counsel? Turns out, the FBI. (Slate)

check.jpgMarvell Technology has been ordered by the SEC to pay up a $10 million fine over some backdating shenanigans. (Law.com)

check.jpgThey weren’t saying, “boo,” Hillary. They were saying … naaaah, they were booing you. (The NY Times)

check.jpgAl Sharpton and a hunk-a-protesters were arrested on Wednesday for mucking up NYC traffic. (LawInfo)

check.jpgMaking decisions are what, W? Speak your mind, damn it! (Legal Antics)

check.jpgMore retarded legislation from the fine state of California. Although I actuallly think this is pretty sweet. (Supreme Dicta)

check.jpg“What’s the right way to fire an associate?” With chocolate. Definitely with chocolate. (WSJ Law Blog)

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This is an outrage. An outrage!

prisoner.jpgIn Benton County, Arkansas (homeland of our own Dustin!), prison inmate Broderick Lloyd Laswell is pissed off, and he’s not taking it anymore. Laswell has filed a civil rights lawsuit claiming that the inmates aren’t being given enough food. Among other things, his complaint says:

On several occasions I have started to do some exercising and my vision went blurry and I felt like I was going to pass out.
About an hour after each meal my stomach starts to hurt and growl. I feel hungry again.
If we are in a small pod all day do next to nothing for physical exercise we should not lose weight.
The only reason we lost weight in here is because we are literally are being starved to death.

Here’s the thing though — Laswell is 308 pounds, down from a svelt 413 when he started in the clink eight months ago.

First of all, fatty should be thankful for a diet that gets rid of over 100 pounds in under a year. Second of all, so the State is supposed to pay to feed him the trough-loads of food he requires to keep himself “healthy” and nourished? Really?

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He was just trying to be like Dr. Sam Beckett by putting right what once went wrong … where the hell’s Al when you need him?

sam-and-al.jpgThose wacky British cops, or “bobbies,” if you will, just hate them some do-gooders:

A graffiti vandal was arrested in South-West England after he returned to the scene of his crime to repair the damage.
Aaron Miller, 18, drunkenly spray-painted his name and ‘crack head’ on a garage door.
But he later bought paint from B&Q and began to right his wrong - which is when the police caught him.
Miller, of Weymouth, Dorset, was given a conditional discharge.

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I know just the guy to ask!

question-mark-2.jpgIn Ohio, state employee Marc Dann has gotten into a little hot water. He’s admitted to cheating on his wife with an employee and says that this little affair caused the atmosphere in his office to get all sexual-like, to the point that sexual harassment claims were levied against one of his aides. On both sides of the aisle in the state house, folks are now calling for Dann to resign and, if he won’t, the state House is thinking about trying to impeach him.

Trouble is, the state House doesn’t really have what it takes to properly investigate the issue to determine if any of Dann’s shenanigans amount to impeachable offenses. So they’d like the state attorney general to appoint an independent investigator to look into the issue.

Which makes sense. Until you realize that the attorney general is … Marc Dann.

Mike Gravel Panders to Obama Girl Enthusiasts, Crazy People

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What? I Was Just Sampling the Evidence

M_IMAGE.118eaf352b3.93.88.fa.d0.d9327b50.jpgPop Quiz: You’re a prospective juror for a marijuana possession case. What’s the best way to avoid jury duty?

A prospective juror in a marijuana possession trial was hauled off to jail Tuesday after police said they caught her smoking a joint outside the courthouse. Attornies in the case had narrowed the jury pool down to 20 people when they took a 45 minute break. When the break was over, 49-year-old Cornelia Turner Mayo didn’t return to Judge Sherman Ross’ courtroom.
Turns out she was on a smoking break — but what she was allegedly smoking was illegal. “I’ve had prospective jurors get lost before, but it never occurred to me that they might be getting ready for a marijuana trial by, allegedly, smoking marijuana,” Judge Ross told the Houston Chronicle.

Works every time!

[Seth: What I don’t get is that folks are supposed to have a jury of their peers. This girl is absolutely the defendant’s peer, right?]

A “Hiccup” Is an Involuntary Spasm of the Diaphragm; This Was a Giant “Fuckup”

57441045.gif.jpgSo, you’re telling me that TSA can now download files off your computer as part of its screening of foreigners, but they can’t stop a homeless man from sleeping on a plane?

A homeless man managed to sneak onto a plane on Wednesday morning. The man slipped past security guards at a perimeter check point while guards were inspecting a vehicle. He was found sleeping on a regional jet that was being worked on.
The Lambert police chief is calling this incident a “hiccup” in the system.

Don’t you feel safe now?

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Mysogynistic, Funny, or Both?

Horowitz-HillaryClinton1H.jpgA post over on MadAtoms, a blog I’ve never heard of until today, is suddenly making the rounds, thanks in part to a link from Wil Wheaton. It’s a parody of Hillary Clinton as “The Psycho Ex-Girlfriend of the Democratic Party.” And while it’s pretty goddamn amusing, I feel a little squeamish about laughing at it, since a male candidate, for obvious reasons, would never be the subject of such a parody. Whatever: Laugh or cringe, here it is, in part:

Despite all the math counting her out, Hillary Clinton fervently remains in the race to become the Democratic nominee for president in 2008. She has become the Democratic Party’s psycho ex-girlfriend, and she’s not going away without a restraining order.
It’s 2:31 AM. The Democratic Party is sleeping peacefully when it hears its phone buzz on the night stand. It rolls over and sees “Hillary” on the caller ID. It pauses briefly, considering pushing “END” and not dealing with this shit tonight. The thought is appealing but the Democratic Party knows that if it doesn’t take this call, another one is only minutes away.
DEMS: …Hello?
Hillary: Hey baby.
DEMS: C’mon Hillary. Enough with this.
Hillary: Don’t you get it? You NEED me.
DEMS: No, I don’t. It was fun while it lasted but I’m with Barack now. I made my choice, it’s done.
Hillary: You can’t really mean that. How can you say that after all the good times we had?
DEMS: To be honest, I started hanging out with you because Bill’s pretty awesome.
Hillary: But I’m just like Bill!
DEMS: No, you’re not. Bill is charismatic, inspiring, and gets me really good weed.
Hillary: Fuck you. You’re elitist!
DEMS: I’m going back to sleep.

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The Daily Memo - 5/8/08

check.jpgKansas lawmakers have passed a bill requiring slower-burning cigarettes. (KAKE)

check.jpgDan Rather loves CBS so much, he’s going to keep on suing ‘em. (TV Squad)

check.jpg“L.A. courts literally go to shit.” (Defamer)

check.jpgOoofta. The RIAA just got a hefty $110 million judgment against the company that used to run TorrentSpy. (Slyck News)

check.jpgHillary’s pandering proposal to bust up OPEC may not be so nutty. (Slate)

check.jpgHmmm … seems they do ADR a bit differently on the other side of the pond. (GeekLawyer)

check.jpgSigh. …This Philly PD thing is a right fucking mess. (LawInfo)

check.jpgLiberal/conservative labels and other political nonsense aside, I have zero doubt that Obama would pick better judges than McCain. (WSJ Law Blog)

Ham on, ham on, ham on whole wheat — all right!

weird-al-fat.jpgSo there’s this dude in Long Island who runs a little music shop. And he’s been accused of selling fake Gibson guitars for $1,500 to poor, unsuspecting folks who thought these were the real deal. Last week, he was due to be arraigned, but State Supreme Court Justice Robert Doyle had to get a little creative because the accused was too fat to get into the courtroom.

How fat was he, you ask?

A svelt 500 pounds!

His lawyer brought in a doctor’s note to explain that his “severe weight problem” was due to osteoarthritis. So the judge took pitty on Fatty and held the arraignment hearing in the courthouse parking lot.

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Third time’s the charm!

fatal-attraction.jpgNancy Warren is a democrat who represents the fine state of New Hampshire in the House. And her constituents must be a might proud of the fact that she was recently arrested for the third time in two months.

Back in March she was arrested for busting into the home of a neighbor. A month later, she was arrested for assault after tossing a drink in the man’s face. And then late last month she went to the guy’s house, in violation of a court order, which got her some nice trespassing and stalking charges. And she’s also awaiting trial on an assault charge stemming from an incident she had with her husband last year.

Live free or die!

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Is a purple nurple a misdemeanor then?

purple-nurple.jpgWell this headline is just a peach:

Police respond to call of felony wedgification

Last month, cops in Nebraska rolled out after a 911 caller complained about a wedgie being given to his son by a boy from the neighborhood. And if you’re unsure what a wedgie is, the North Platte Bulletin is happy to explain:

A wedgie is the condition of having one’s underwear or other garmets “wedged” between the buttocks. This can occur, due to tight garments or physical activity, or performed as a prank by another person by yanking the undergarments upward, thus “giving a wedgie.”

The cop managed to calm shit down when he showed up and, thankfully, no one was Tased or arrested. But a pair of undies was taken in for questioning.

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Things not to do

mistakes.jpgDon’t grow marijuana in your house.

But if you are going to grow weed, try to keep it reasonable — don’t grow 65 plants.

But if you must grow 65 plants, at least keep your house secure.

But if you don’t keep your house secure, and shit gets stolen, don’t call the cops.

But if you must call the cops, don’t report the theft of the 65 plants, plus six pounds of weed, plus a shotgun, plus some other shit.

And definitely don’t call the cops when you have three outstanding felony warrants.

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Well, Yeah: That’s About Right

villain_Mugger.jpgOnly in America can you run over someone else’s dog and sue them for damage to your car:

The driver of a car that struck and killed a dog in Minnesota is suing the dog’s owners for damage done to his vehicle. Jeffery Ely was driving near Duluth, Minnesota, on January 4th when Fester, a miniature pinscher, ran into the road. Ely’s 1997 Honda Civic struck Fester, killing the 5.8-kilogram dog instantly.

Next up: Muggers suing little old ladies when they strain their shoulders yanking said old ladies’ purses away.

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The brilliance of our government knows no bounds

airport-security2.jpgFrom The Washington Times:

False identifications based on a terrorist no-fly list have for years prevented some federal air marshals from boarding flights they are assigned to protect, according to officials with the agency, which is finally taking steps to address the problem.
Federal Air Marshals (FAMs) familiar with the situation say the mix-ups, in which marshals are mistaken for terrorism suspects who share the same names, have gone on for years — just as they have for thousands of members of the traveling public.
One air marshal said it has been “a major problem, where guys are denied boarding by the airline.”
“In some cases, planes have departed without any coverage because the airline employees were adamant they would not fly,” said the air marshal, who asked not to be named because the job requires anonymity. “I’ve seen guys actually being denied boarding.”

*slaps head into desk repeatedly*

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Somebody Try to Make Sense of This

backup_email.jpgThe Bush Administration doesn’t even try to disguise illegalities anymore, does it?

The Dubya White House has admitted that it has no backup tapes for administration emails sent and received between March 1, 2003 and May 22, 2003.
But it says that’s not a problem.
Last October, two separate government watchdogs sued the George W. Bush administration in an effort to recover millions of messages that seem to have disappeared from White House servers.
Previously, the White House hemmed and hawed when asked if the emails were available on backup tape. But late Monday, in response to a suit from the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW), it finally acknowledged that some of its backups do not exist.
This is hardly surprising. The administration isn’t exactly organized when it comes to email. According to court filings, Duyba IT workers liked to recycle backup tapes prior to October 2003.
With its Monday declaration, the White House also says that it prefers to ignore a court order ordering the preservation of its backups. You see, the administration is now claiming that those millions of emails did not go missing - even though it has previously said that they did.

… and what is the Democratic Congress doing about it? Probably playing footsie and giggling with each other, same as always. Accountability: Catch the Fever!

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The Daily Memo - 5/7/08

check.jpgStupid law students and their stupid marathon-running weekends. (Deadspin)

check.jpgIf ladies just billed from their hospital bed after spitting kids out (as one partner at my old firm notoriously did), this wouldn’t be a problem. (Above the Law)

check.jpg“Answers to the questions associates should be afraid to ask” (and some stupid answers you shouldn’t bother reading). (Law.com)

check.jpgUma’s stalker? Two years in the clink. Two years in the clink? Uma’s stalker. (LawInfo)

check.jpgFuck these sanctions, your honor. It was my fucking client, not me. Fuck him. …Fuck. (The Legal Reader)

check.jpgThe judge with $54 million pants is riding the plaintiff train once again. (Above the Law)

check.jpgJersey wants to put a “sin tax” on fast food. (WCBSTV)

check.jpgA maximum security prison is finding prisoner reform coming from bucking broncos. (Times Online)

Said the cow to the reporter: “It tastes like pork”

dont-have.jpgWhat. The. Christ? So this asshat cop in Jersey was arrested last month along with his ex-girlfriend for allegedly sexually assaulting three young girls. And now former officer Robert Melia has some new charges to add to the four pending sexual assault charges. Additional investigation has led to four counts of animal cruelty because, you guessed it, Melia had himself some cow loving back in 2006.

The part you may not have guessed is that he had the cow perform fellatio on him.

I’m just … I’m just so confused. I don’t get sexually assaulting young girls. And I really don’t get trying to get your sexual moooooooves on with a cow (see what I did there?). But I so totally do not get sticking your yum-yum in a cow’s mouth. I mean … I just died a little inside.

“Don’t have a cow man” just took a totally new meaning.

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Blue-Collar Millionaire Feels Your Pain / Is It Over?


The Associated Press reports that Hillary Clinton dug into her $108 million personal worth last month and pulled out another $6.4 million, thus enabling her to more readily identify with poor, blue-collar workers who have to live from paycheck to paycheck. Because when a mill worker runs out of cash and can’t pay his mortgage, you know what he does? He just dips into his millions, of course!

Meanwhile, did anyone see Hillary’s “victory” speech last night? Her sad little, deluded victory speech? The one where she basically begged people to send her money? …

Oh, wait: This just in — Hillary has canceled all public appearances today.

Is she finally dropping out? Is it over?

That’s some action movie shit

prosthetic-leg.jpgThe best stories always come from Florida:

A homeless man from Fort Pierce was arrested after authorities said he hid several weapons, including knives, in the hollow of his prosthetic leg.
Fire rescue officials picked up 64-year-old Jerry Moody from a truck stop and brought him to the emergency room. He told the staff he was armed with a loaded revolver and 23 rounds of ammunition.
He also pulled out four knives from his prosthetic leg.
Moody told police he has been robbed before and carries the weapons to protect himself.
He was arrested because he did not have a permit to carry concealed weapons.

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Waffles and Sheboygan? Be still me heart.

waffles.jpgI’ve talked before about how I love Sheboygan, Wisconsin for no other reason than it’s fun as shit to say “Sheboygan.” And if I haven’t said it before, I also love waffles. So this story is just a wonderful marriage:

A pregnant teen from Sheboygan has been charged with disorderly conduct for allegedly throwing a waffle iron at the father of her unborn child, hitting him in the head.
The girl was at her apartment with a 19-year-old Milwaukee man and her two sisters when one of the sisters cracked a joke. The man told police the 17-year-old girl became upset, thinking everyone was laughing at her. She stormed into a bathroom and broke a shelf.
The girl — who is five months pregnant with her third child — then returned and confronted the man, slapping him in the face. He slapped her back, and she grew more angry and began pulling on his clothes.
The girl then grabbed a waffle iron and threw it at the man, striking him in the back of the head.

The only bummer about this story is that they had to go harsh my buzz with the whole thing about the 17-year-old being pregnant with her third kid. I mean, Jesus.

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Yankees Suck 60 Percent More Today

yankees_suck.jpgDon’t fuck with Yankees’ fans, folks. Or they will run your ass down.

A woman accused of running down a man in her car after a Red Sox-Yankees argument in a bar never hit her brakes as she accelerated toward the small group he was in, a prosecutor said Monday.
“She never braked, and she accelerated at a high speed for about 200 feet. She went directly at this group of people,” prosecutor Susan Morrell said of Ivonne Hernandez, who is charged with reckless second-degree murder in the death early Friday of Matthew Beaudoin, 29.
Authorities won’t describe the argument beforehand in Slade’s Food & Spirits, but witnesses said it heated up when Hernandez identified herself as a New York Yankees fan. Like the rest of New Hampshire, Nashua, 45 miles northwest of Boston, is Red Sox country.
Bartender Tanya Moran said the argument spilled outside, and at least one person in a group that included Beaudoin began chanting “Yankees suck!” when they saw a Yankees sticker on Hernandez’s car.
Hernandez, 43, allegedly gunned her car and struck Beaudoin and his friend Maria Hughes, 21. Hughes had only minor injuries, which Beaudoin’s sister Faith said was because her brother shielded his friend.
Hernandez, of Nashua, was arrested at the scene. She acknowledged she had been drinking and refused to take a breath-alcohol test, said Morrell, a senior assistant attorney general. Hernandez said she had been in an argument with the group.

Typical Yankees behavior, really. If they can’t beat you fairly, they resort to bitchery. Rest in peace, Sox fan. In Heaven, I hear the Sox win all the time, Ted Williams fluffs your pillows, and Curt Schilling is fitted with a permanent sock gag.

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Worse than a 3 a.m. Phone Call …

Jesus: How awful would it be to receive this phone call:

An Oregon couple received a frightening phone call from their son in Afghanistan when he inadvertently called home during battle. Stephen Phillips and other soldiers in his Army MP company were battling insurgents when his phone was pressed against his Humvee. It redialed and called his parents in the small Oregon town of Otis.
Sandie Petee, Phillips’ mother, and her husband, Jeff Petee, weren’t home at the time of the call. They returned home to find a three-minute voice mail on their answering machine.
“His friend died a year ago in Iraq and I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, this may be the last time I hear my son’s voice on the phone,’” Petee said.
They heard shooting, swearing and shouted pleas for more ammunition on the phone call from their son. “They were pinned down and apparently his barrel was overheating,” said Jeff Petee. “It’s something a parent really doesn’t want to hear. It’s a heck of a message to get from your son in Afghanistan.”
The three-minute call ended abruptly.
“You could hear him saying stuff like, he needs more ammo, or he needs another barrel,” said John Petee, Phillips’ brother. “At the end, you could hear a guy saying ‘Incoming! RPG!’ And then it cut off.”

Here’s the actual phone call, for the morbidly curious. You might also want to know that Stephen Phillips is OK.

The Sunglasses Do No Good When You’re Head is Pointed Right at Them, Kerry


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The Daily Memo - 5/6/08

check.jpgThurgood Marshall’s on Broadway, courtesy of Laurence Fishburne. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgA judge is suing a lawyer for defamation. (Law.com)

check.jpgI’m not sure I was against the plan to make two streets in LA go one-way during rush hour, but a local court sure didn’t dig it. (Curbed LA)

check.jpgIf this obviously one-sided story is to be believed, Paul Hastings needs a trip to Oz, cause it ain’t got no heart. (Above the Law)

check.jpgSorry Canadians — the age of consent has gone up two years, so no more nookie with 14-year-olds. …Ick. (cbc.ca)

check.jpgHee. A speed camera goes all astronomy-like, catching a picture of a full moon. (BBC News)

check.jpgSeriously dude, if you can’t get laid in law school, you’re just not trying very hard. (Legal Antics)

check.jpgAre girl fights hot? Sure. But when we’re talking about Riverside, California, not so much. (Supreme Dicta)

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You question will soon be answered, good sir


(From The Smoking Gun, as always.)

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So what — if it’s there, you’re not supposed to hit it?

booty-call.jpgAcross the pond, police sergeant Mark Downing is facing three counts of sexual assault for allegedly getting a little inappropriate with two lady officers. Last year during a barbecue, he allegedly tossed a female officer over his knee, spanked her and told her she was a “naughty girl.” He also gave her a smack on the ass once, allegedly saying “if it’s there, it’s only fair that I hit it.”

Which is just common sense, really.

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Damn it people!

drunkard.jpgI’m getting fucking tired of telling you this — stop showing up to court three sheets to the wind!

A $72 traffic ticket wound up being the least of Richard Erickson’s worries when he showed up to court to fight the ticket, only to be found three times over the legal intoxication limit. Erickson was shocked at his blood results — shocked, I say — saying: “I would never intentionally come to court that way. I had nothing today.”

And he only stunk of booze because of his new Jack and Coke flavored deodorant, I’m sure.

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The Empire Strikes Barack

Awesome. Really kind of awesome.

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What? Why Is this the First I’m Hearing About It …

xin_190504010855307145789.jpgAnd why is the source a UK paper?

Tourists visiting the US face even tougher security checks now airport officials can search through mobile phones and laptops. Guards can download any details contained in the items and keep them indefinitely, following a new court ruling.
The latest legislation could mean lengthier queues as security copy photos, emails and phone records. Visitors already face hour-long waits while armed officers take fingerprints and photos.
Travel agents’ group Abta stormed: “It’s another ratcheting up of Fortress America. It’s certainly not a good thing for passengers - it is rather Big Brother.”

Welcome to the Land of the Free, foreigners! I wouldn’t worry too much, though: Most TSA Agents probably have no idea how to download the files on your computer.

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Hillary’s Stubborn Ignorance Smacks of W’s Willful Stupidity

art.clintongastax.ap.jpgWhat does Hillary do when confronted with reason?

In the face of criticism from a slate of economists who say her gas tax holiday plan would be ineffective or even harmful, Hillary Clinton said she wasn’t taking stock of their opinions and emphasized that this was a short-term fix that would primarily benefit long-distance drivers.
I’m not going to put my lot in with economists,” Clinton told George Stephanopolous on ABC’s ‘This Week’ after he asked her to name a single economist supporting her plan. “If we actually did it right, if we had a president who used all the tools of the presidency, we would design it in such a way that it would be implemented effectively.”

God forbid you listen to people who know what they’re talking about. Really, the last people you want to be taking advice from about the economy are economists, right? It’s almost like rejecting the advice of military experts when designing a plan to invade Iraq. I mean: What could possibly go wrong?

Stupid economists are all elitists, anyway.

The Daily Memo - 5/5/08

check.jpgSigh … the FCC think that TMZ’s TV show is a “bona fide news program.” (ALOTT5MA)

check.jpgA California Superior Court’s web site makes it nice and easy-like to get Social Security numbers and other private personal info. (Computer World)

check.jpgLenny Dysktra’s got some legal hurdles holding up the second issue of his “The Players Club” magazine. (The 700 Level)

check.jpgDid the Supreme’s recent ruling about photo IDs at the voting booth ignore the 24th Amendment? (Slate)

check.jpgA Federal Judge has ruled that the Army Corps of Engineers can be sued over Katrina flood damage. (ABC News)

check.jpgWisconsin and other midwest states are thinking about lowering the drinking age to 19. (Lake County News)

check.jpgMore states are making it illegal to lie to get laid. (Above the Law)

check.jpgA TX Supreme’s wife has been indicted on three felony arson counts. (Law.com)

Hillary wants to nuke the Dems?

mushroom-cloud.jpgLast week on “The Daily Show,” DNC chair Howard Dean said that he was planning to allow Florida and Michigan to sit at the Convention. He didn’t hint at whether their delegates would actually be counted, but he said that it simply wouldn’t be right to not even have the delegates there.

Which is good news for Hillary, as it makes her so-called nuclear option one step easier. From The Huffington Post:

Hillary Clinton’s campaign has a secret weapon to build its delegate count, but her top strategists say privately that any attempt to deploy it would require a sharp (and by no means inevitable) shift in the political climate within Democratic circles by the end of this month.
With at least 50 percent of the Democratic Party’s 30-member Rules and Bylaws Committee committed to Clinton, her backers could — when the committee meets at the end of this month — try to ram through a decision to seat the disputed 210-member Florida and 156-member Michigan delegations. Such a decision would give Clinton an estimated 55 or more delegates than Obama, according to Clinton campaign operatives. The Obama campaign has declined to give an estimate.

There are a lot of “ifs” and “gotta happens” for this to even come to pass, and it seems unlikely. But the real point here is that shit is probably going to get uglier before it gets better.

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The Truth is Stranger than QuizLaw

big-brown.jpgFrom Time.com’s The Page comes this potentially quite-ironic metaphor:

Hillary Clinton enthusiastically picked a filly named Eight Belles to win the Kentucky Derby and compared herself to the horse. Eight Belles finished second. The winner was the favorite, Big Brown.
Eight Belles collapsed immediately after crossing the finish line, and was euthanized shortly thereafter.

And congrats on running a solid race Eight Belles — sorry you didn’t get to enjoy your second-place finish.

(Hat tip to If a TV Falls in the Woods.)

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Well that’ll really harsh your mellow

pot.jpgUp in the Seattle area, a 56-year-old musician has died after he was denied a liver transplant. The reason? Because he was using medical marijuana prescribed to him by his doctor. The Medical Center said that they told Timothy Garon that he could get back on the donor list if he stayed away from pot for 6 months and/or enrolled in a drug treatment program. But his doctors told him he wasn’t going to last that long anyway, which made the whole thing moot.

God damn this shit enrages me. There are many issues wrapped up in the cloud of medical marijuana smoke but the one that gets me here is that Garon was taking doctor prescribed medicine, so who the fuck is the medical center to decide that certain types of medicine gets you punted off the donor list while others are a-ok? If we weren’t talking about legal (by state law, at least) medicinal herb prescribed by a doctor, I’d get it to some extent. But this? Enfuriating.

(Hat tip to reader Jenn K.)

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Whadda ya mean my hair is funny? Funny how? Funny like a clown?

…Oh, funny like Don King. Yeah, you’ve got me on that one.


(Mugshot from The Smoking Gun, naturally.)

Nostalgia Gold

I will smite anyone who says that Dave Letterman isn’t funny anymore, but I will concede that he’s not as edgy as he once was. Here’s a chance to re-live the glory of old. My God, he was awesome.

C*nt Punditry of the Day


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The Entire Democratic Political Race to Date — In Seven Minutes

Now you’re completely caught up.

The Daily Memo - 5/2/08

check.jpgDouchebag shitty director Uwe Boll is suing Billy Zane over the douchebagy and shitty Bloodrayne. (The Hollywood Reporter)

check.jpgAnd Amazon is suing NY to try to put the kibosh on the state’s new internet sales tax. (Gizmodo)

check.jpgOrson Scott Card is less than impressed by J.K. Rowling’s little copyright lawsuit. (Linear Publishing)

check.jpgThe Florida Senate hates God and, therefore, won’t let Floridians have a cross on their vanity license plates. (Above the Law)

check.jpgThe media reports politics with a bias? Get. Out. (Media Matters)

check.jpgYesterday was Law Day. It’s like Cinco de Mayo with less tequila and more, uhm, rules. …Woo! (WSJ Law Blog)

It’s like Doogie Howser meets Omar from “The Wire”

doogie.jpgFrom Australia comes this tale of a 12-year-old criminal:

He has reportedly been committing criminal offences for years. On occasions, when chased by NSW police, he has given them the slip, like a character from Oliver Twist, by clambering “onto the roofs of houses and disappearing”, police have said.
When he has been caught, he has escaped, not once but at least 10 times in just on 12 months.
The police said that when he is on the run, friends and associates in and around Glebe “willingly hide him from the authorities”.
Details of his extraordinary Dickensian-style existence are in two police fact sheets on file at the Bidura Children’s Court.
One of them, written last year, says: “The young person is an 11-year-old boy who … is extremely well known to police … Since the age of seven he has been issued with warnings regarding a number of criminal offences.

Missouri to Rules of Grammar: “Fuck off.”

lol-grammer.jpgMissouri’s Department of Revenue recently ran an online contest, allowing voters to select a new slogan for the state’s license plates. The winner? “Show Me State.” Plates with a pretty little bluebird and the new slogan are due to drop in June, but the grammar Nazis are already pissing and moaning:

Missouri Southern State University English professor Dale Simpson told the Joplin Globe that the rules of grammar require the hyphen [between “show” and “me”].

But a spokesman for the Department of Revenue says that the slogan appeared, sans hyphen, online when voters picked. And since that’s what they picked, that’s what they’re getting. And that hyphen can just make like a comma and get bent!

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A public service announcement for our Australian readers

austrailia-thumb.jpgThis is just silly. Thanks to a strong breeze, some Australians have their personal and confidential financial info out there for anyone to find. Tax employees for Revenue and Customs were doing some work in an office when a stack of financial paperwork up and flew out the window.

One onlooker said: “Smart office workers were rushing around like street cleaners. It didn’t help that it was very blustery.
“But when we realised they had lost private tax information it was very worrying.”
Not all the files were recovered.

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The Worst Hip Hop Song. Ever.

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Join or Die

join-or-die.jpgSeattle’s Mayor Greg Nichols thinks that the city needs to declare its independence, seceding from the state. Apparently, he’s simply fed up with the traffic and transportation problems.

Our region should declare its independence. If we were a country, [our economy] would be just a little smaller than Thailand. We would be larger than Colombia, Venezuela. We are held back because our state and federal government still believe our economies are driven by wheat farms and timber logging.

Unsurprisingly, he now says this was all just being said tongue-in-cheek, even when he said, “I am serious when I say we ought to talk about independence.”

This reminded me of my favorite newspaper article ever when, back in high school, the local City Paper had a front-page declaration that Philly should secede from the state of Pennsylvania. The article was fantastic, and I completely agreed with it then, and agree with it now. No reason some cities shouldn’t be able to go off and declare their independence. Hell, while they’re at it, they can secede from the U.S. too, become their own country, like Vatican City nestled right in the middle of Rome. In fact, I bet many in the Philly area would love for the city to wall itself off (not sure how folks feel about Seattle).

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Five Years Ago Today, “Major Combat Operations Ended in Iraq!”


Only 96 percent of the Iraqi War casualties have occurred since then! Thanks, Mr. President!

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Prison Break!

a30gonzalesm.jpgA couple of Oklahoma boys were jailed after trying to do a solid for an old dead lady.

Two Wilson residents have been charged with second-degree burglary after they attempted to free a dog from the city animal shelter so they could take it to its owner’s funeral over the weekend. But the plan went awry, Wilson Police Chief Felix Hernandez said. The two men spent time in jail and a juvenile was cited and released to his parents.
The mixed-breed dog, called Luke, was picked up April 22 by the dogcatcher after he was caught once too often running the streets of Wilson. His owner, Saundra Vickers, 53, died the next day from health complications, Hernandez said. The word about town — and what prompted the attempted dog break — was that Luke was going to be euthanized after his owner’s death, Hernandez said.

I dunno why they didn’t just adopt the dog. But, this makes for a much better story — look for the television movie on FOX this summer.

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The Daily Memo - 5/1/08

check.jpgBreaking news! Clarence Thomas loves him some Egg McMuffins. (Above the Law)

check.jpgNice. A Mayor down in Chile is giving out free Viagra to all the local oldies to make life better in town. (BBC News)

check.jpgW’s awesome. (Legal Antics)

check.jpgBlogger: 1. Lawyers: 0. (Mesh Media Strategies via Likelihood of Confusion)

check.jpgGreat trademark dispute or greatest trademark dispute? I dunno, but I’ll tell you this — when we’re talking lesbians, we all win. (Supreme Dicta)

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No no no! It’s Barack Obama Who Is Out of Touch!

You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

carla-scharbach.jpgThis lady over here is Carla Scharbach, who’s like the drunk, female version of the Hulk. She showed up to pick her toddler up from school and, fine mother that she is, was totally trashed. So the school officials said “not so much” with the letting her take her daughter.

Which is when Scharback hulked the fuck out: “The woman allegedly used a brick to break a window, went inside, confronted the three employees and demanded her daughter. When they refused, she allegedly battered them.”

Oh, and she wasn’t just drunk, according to this article, but “grossly intoxicated.” Some might even say Hulkingly intoxicated.

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The Candian Supreme Court doesn’t care about two-beer queers

two-beers.jpgI don’t know if this is true in the states, too, but up in Canada, I guess there’s an oft-used defense against DUI charges, the so-called “two-beer” defense. The defense has apparently been used for over a decade:

The ‘two-beer defence’ is used to cast doubt on the accuracy of blood-alcohol readings. Defendants hire toxicology experts to calculate the rate at which their bodies metabolize alcohol, arguing that the level of actual impairment varies depending on age, weight and other factors. So just because they failed a Breathalyzer does not mean they were drunk.

Sounds good to me. But the Canuck Supremes said, “not so much, eh.” The Court recently ruled, 7-2, that breathalyzers remain the only accurate measure of blood-alcohol levels and, thus, drunky-mcdrunkenness.